How to temper arousal?
May 10, 2014 8:04 PM   Subscribe

Gentlemen of Metafilter: When you're hooking up, how do you temper the physical manifestation of your sexual arousal?

I'm pretty easily aroused, and when I'm on a date where we're cuddling and making out a lot of the time, I'm aroused the entire time, which ends up either in (ahem)vasocongestion, if we don't have sex, or not lasting particularly long, if we do. I just got out of a long-term relationship with a woman who preferred no foreplay and our lovemaking sessions were relatively short, so this wasn't much of an issue.

I get that this condition is vastly preferable to the opposite, but now that I'm meeting new women, I'd like to make out all night and not be worried about the negative effects.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

how long is your recharge? if it's a couple hours, take care of yourself before the date. you'll probably get hard slower the second time and should be able to last longer.
posted by nadawi at 8:11 PM on May 10, 2014 [8 favorites]

Getting the easy one out a little while before works wonders for this kinda thing.
posted by Sternmeyer at 8:35 PM on May 10, 2014 [3 favorites]

I'm a woman. You can easily make this work to your advantage. Tell her that this doesn't normally happen, that you are driving her so crazy that you are about to lose control. Huge ego boost for her. And if you do finish fast, be a gentleman and keep her going until you are ready again.
posted by myselfasme at 8:48 PM on May 10, 2014 [2 favorites]

I don't really see having an erection being a problem unless a gunman hops in the window while you're making out and you and your lady can't run away fast enough because your pants are all bunched up, or you can't fit through a narrow doorway, or something. I wouldn't consider it a negative, and I'm not sure why it should be a problem!

I definitely wouldn't lie to her ("this doesn't normally happen") OR be ashamed...and as for the OTHER problem, if there's "more to come" so to speak, then she probably will not be disappointed. Just don't roll over and begin snoring!
posted by destructive cactus at 8:58 PM on May 10, 2014 [8 favorites]

play a baseball game in your head. here's the windup, and the pitch...
posted by bruce at 9:37 PM on May 10, 2014 [1 favorite]

As a woman who likes to have sex a lot and has too often dated guys who have the opposite problem, if we were on a date I'd actually find this to be, well, encouraging. Seriously. I have actually started to actively pay attention to see how, uh, vigorous the response is when I'm on a date and we are making out. If it led to sex which ended quickly I'd be understanding, it happens in situations like that, as long as you're up for round two it's all good.

Your mileage will vary, I guess, but not hiding this might be good in terms of selecting for women who will see this as a positive. (I guess it's somewhat age dependent too, I'm a 30something who dates other 30something, if you're 21 it may not be totally applicable.)
posted by Argyle_Sock_Puppet at 10:16 PM on May 10, 2014 [10 favorites]

It's awesome to be aroused. Own it. Enjoy it. Being on a date with someone who turns you on is one of those life moments you oughta really savor.
posted by chrchr at 10:23 PM on May 10, 2014 [3 favorites]

Simple answer: I don't. I just make sure I can give my partner a good time regardless. If she's still unhappy, it's not going to work.
posted by fearnothing at 10:42 PM on May 10, 2014 [1 favorite]

One of my most memorable dating moments of late went like this: We were sitting next to each other, talking and having tea. The sexual tension was thick, but both of us were too nervous to make a move. All of a sudden, apropos of nothing, he announces, "I have a huge boner!" I, a woman, found this terribly charming and relieved that he didn't think of me as just a friend. So I kissed him. Happy times ensued.

Yeah, own it.
posted by so much modern time at 10:57 PM on May 10, 2014 [12 favorites]

Mmmm. Well, possibly I'm the biggest prude on the planet (clue: I'm not :D), but I wouldn't be so thrilled by a guy being too upfront about his boner on the first date. Or probably even the subsequent few. I mean, I wouldn't run screaming if he had one, obviously, I'd just prefer he didn't verbally announce it.

Which is not to say anyone else on the thread is wrong, of course. Just, you know...use the 'let it all hang out' approach with caution. Especially if you're talking about first or second-ish dates (which I thought you were).

I like Greg Nog's idea.
posted by Salamander at 11:06 PM on May 10, 2014 [6 favorites]

Being with someone new is very exciting and it's difficult to match your rhythms in those first few weeks. If your partner prefers a slow jam you can make it work, but it's gonna involve some trial and error. Don't get too hung up on it and don't retire if they're not done.

If you're seeing someone new every week it may always be clumsy, get good at making out.
posted by gorbweaver at 11:36 PM on May 10, 2014

Don't worry so much about controlling your arousal. Concentrate less on you and more on her.
And keep your fingernails short and clean.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 12:37 AM on May 11, 2014 [5 favorites]

No need to temper. No need to be ashamed of biology. No need to think about baseball - unless you like baseball. The Brewers are 23-14 but Aramis Ramirez strained his hamstring. Erections happen, even when you are watching Scooby-Doo while wearing your favorite Cowboy pajamas with the whole family there on Thanksgiving morning. Especially when you are watching Scooby-Doo with the whole family there in my experience.

Just move your hips back and don't dry hump, don't think of Velma, Fred, Norville, or Daphne - or the entire cast of H.R. Pufnstuf.
posted by vapidave at 12:47 AM on May 11, 2014 [1 favorite]

Tell her that this doesn't normally happen, that you are driving her so crazy that you are about to lose control.

This could read to some women as "I'm going to rape you if you say no" rather than "I may come in my pants," so I wouldn't. But yes, I agree with all the women above who say that this is flattering and not a problem.
posted by chaiminda at 5:49 AM on May 11, 2014 [9 favorites]

If you don't think you're going to have sex, and you're worried about getting blue balls, then you could always just go rub one out in the bathroom. I suppose that's not an ideal solution, but it's better than being in pain. And if you do end up having sex later then you'll probably last longer.

If you're the sort of guy who loses all interest in sex after one orgasm then I don't know what to tell you, other than suggesting you train yourself out of that. The average refractory period for men is a half an hour, so chances are you'll be able to go again soon if you put in a little effort.
posted by sam_harms at 8:34 AM on May 11, 2014

Yeah, stop thinking of this as a problem.

If the problem is really that you don't last long enough, work on addressing that.

If the problem is that you're embarrassed to have an erection when you're in a hot and heavy make out session, don't be!

If the problem is blue balls, well, I don't know what to tell you, except that sometimes it's okay to make out for 45 minutes and have sex rather than "make out all night" (assuming your partner wants that), but if sex isn't on the table, the answer still is not to try to get un-aroused.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:46 AM on May 11, 2014

Yeah, I concur with everyone, this is not a problem. Please do not attempt to fix it. Believe me honey, with age, porn being so readily available these days, and the stresses of daily life, you may sometime in the future look back on this question and laugh about asking it. I would say premature ejaculation/over-eagerness is both a more rare problem and a much, much less hurtful one for everyone involved than the opposite. I just take it as a compliment. You have hands and where there's a will there's a way, so it's totally not a deal. I mean, yes, there is a slight immature giggliness involved sometimes, but ladies don't mean that in a bad way.
posted by quincunx at 1:19 PM on May 11, 2014

Good advice already upthread but i wanted to nth masturbating pre-date (er...before you meet up, not the car on the way to the restaurant). Second round always lasts longer for me, at least, and then its not as built-up.
posted by softlord at 3:24 PM on May 11, 2014 [1 favorite]

I agree with most people saying it's not a problem...especially if you don't forget that you have a tongue, fingers, some teeth, etc. It can be really frustrating when a guy is just like, "Well, I'm done, so WE'RE done." If you either keep her going until you're ready for more or really finish her off once you're done...she will LOVE you. This, at least in my experience, is somewhat rare behavior and when you find a guy who does this, you want to hang on to him.
posted by hannahelastic at 7:26 AM on May 12, 2014 [1 favorite]

Don't view this as a problem. Don't apologize for being aroused or not lasting the perfect amount of time.

Be confident and be unapologetic. At the same time, obviously, don't be selfish. But as a formerly young person I worried so much about what she would notice, how to last just long enough, pinching myself, thinking about other/gross things, and then acting bashful if I didn't feel like I went long enough. As I've grown a little older that's all silly. In the end good humor, charm, and confidence, can really overcome almost anything (provided you aren't inherently selfish).

posted by jjmoney at 9:04 AM on May 12, 2014

All of a sudden, apropos of nothing, he announces, "I have a huge boner!"

Penis-having people of Mefi, please don't do this. At least to me. Maybe it's better in person, but that reads as incredibly off-putting and awkward.
posted by quiet coyote at 11:19 AM on May 12, 2014

Frankly if I were on a date with a guy and we were hot-and-heavy making out, I'd be kind of insulted if there weren't at least some reaction in that general vicinity. I'm a guy so YMMV.

If you're concerned about not lasting long enough, crank one out an hour or so before your date, it'll help.

If you're not lasting 'long enough,' just say "all that making out with you turned me on so much," which is the last thing you do with your mouth before you go down on her. Sex doesn't end just because a guy pulls off a condom. You have fingers and a tongue, employ them.

When you're ready to go again, go again.

If you're concerned about obviousness of your arousal (and I reiterate you shouldn't be unless you're in public), get tight briefs and that takes care of that problem.

tl;dr: hard cocks are awesome and always a compliment (when they're attached to someone you like); sex doesn't end just because you came in whatever time you think is 'too quickly.'
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:23 PM on May 12, 2014 [1 favorite]

Oh, and blue balls can be taken care of the moment you close your door after walking her to her car/train/bus/whatever.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:26 PM on May 12, 2014

put a thistle or burr in your pocket and push it into your thigh to cause pain and distract you

Please don't make out with someone when you have something in your pocket intended to cause pain once people's body parts start pressing into it (unless both of you are into that sort of thing, etc.)

I'm amazed people think this is a good idea! You are hoping your date will be pressing up against you, what happens if they straddle your thigh and press up against your thistle? Your makeout sessions are likely to go better on average if you don't suddenly stab your date in the crotch.
posted by yohko at 7:02 PM on May 14, 2014 [1 favorite]

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