It all started with a joke about Sodium, but I said Na.
April 21, 2014 9:45 PM   Subscribe

So I posted one simple chemistry joke to Facebook for my friends, and they loved it - but now they want more. Give me some science jokes!

It started out simply enough with that one cheesy chemistry joke. Then I started posting one every day. Then it expanded to all types of science jokes. One-liners, cat pics in lab coats, physics jokes, nerd jokes, programming jokes, etc. etc.

I've gotten all material from simply googling things like 'nerd jokes', 'science jokes', 'physics jokes', and the like. Teachers are starting to contact me. Parents with kids are laughing and asking for more. I think it's great because folks get a laugh and learn something at the same time.

This has been going on for over a couple of months now - every day- and I'm running out of material from simple google searches, so I ask you MeFites - what's YOUE great 'science' joke?
posted by matty to Science & Nature (56 answers total) 77 users marked this as a favorite
If you're not part of the solution … you're part of the precipitate!
posted by wemayfreeze at 9:56 PM on April 21 [2 favorites]

There was a recent thread on Metafilter about science jokes which has some good material. (In both the article and the thread itself.)
posted by jcreigh at 10:08 PM on April 21

My doctor called to tell him my potassium level was low. I replied "K."
posted by cushie at 10:08 PM on April 21 [4 favorites]

One atom says to another atom, "I think I've lost an electron"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive"
posted by empath at 10:10 PM on April 21 [6 favorites]

What did the Italian chemist say when the wind gave out while he was sailing?

Avogadro (I've a-gotta row)
posted by rhizome at 10:23 PM on April 21

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'.
posted by mazola at 10:29 PM on April 21 [44 favorites]

Two men walk into a bar. "I'd like some H2O," the first one says. The second one adds, "I'd like some H2O too." Then he dies.

Ok, there are some good ones here.
posted by mazola at 10:38 PM on April 21 [8 favorites]

What's new?

C over lambda!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:42 PM on April 21 [2 favorites]

What do you do with a sick chemist?
Well, if you can't helium and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

My chemistry experiment blew up. Oh well, oxidants happen.

I tried to think of one more good chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.
posted by Oriole Adams at 11:53 PM on April 21 [13 favorites]

Helium, Neon and Argon walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve noble gasses here!"

They show no reaction.
posted by Noisy Pink Bubbles at 11:57 PM on April 21 [5 favorites]

Werner Heisenberg is driving along when he sees police lights flashing in his rearview mirror. He pulls over. The cop comes to the window and asks for Heisenberg's license and registration. After looking over the documents he says "So Dr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg responds "No. But I know where I was!"
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 12:10 AM on April 22 [3 favorites]

I've heard the last one somewhat different: Cop says, "Dr. Heisenberg, you were doing 100 miles per hour", Heisenberg responds "Great, now I'm lost!".
posted by Dr Dracator at 1:00 AM on April 22 [8 favorites]

Okay, this barely passes for a joke, but it's all I got:

Q: Why did the chemist always end up alone at parties?
A: Because his stories were a real Bohr.
posted by topoisomerase at 1:45 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]

A neutron walks into a bar, orders a gin and tonic, asks the bartender, "How much?" The bartender replies, "For you? No charge."
posted by Mister Moofoo at 2:06 AM on April 22

Two cats are sliding down a roof. Which one falls off last?

The one with the highest mu.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 2:49 AM on April 22 [2 favorites]

How about a chemistry poem?

Little Willy was a chemist.
Little Willy is no more.
What he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4
posted by wjm at 2:49 AM on April 22 [3 favorites]

As the computer scientist said, "God is real! Unless explicitly defined as integer."
posted by wjm at 2:57 AM on April 22 [2 favorites]

(Are vector operations jokes too obscure?)

Q: What do you get when you cross a physicist with a gorilla?
A: Magnitude physicist x magnitude gorilla x the sine of the angle between them.

Q: What do you get when you cross a physicist with a rock climber?
A: You can't. The rock climber's a scaler.
posted by wjm at 3:00 AM on April 22 [4 favorites]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the other ... wait a minute... that's not right.
posted by sciencegeek at 3:10 AM on April 22 [9 favorites]

Q: What did the radioactive duck say?
A: Quark.

hee hee!
posted by mibo at 3:20 AM on April 22 [4 favorites]

This one only works in the UK.

A muscle cell walks into a bar and says "Can I have a pint of adenosine triphosphate please?"

The barman nods and says 'For you, that's 80p'.
posted by Happy Dave at 3:22 AM on April 22 [4 favorites]

I'll be annoying and give you four.

1) I was told to write a thousand words on acid for my chemistry mid-term. Unfortunately, my pen turned into a giraffe and the floor melted.

2) My chemistry teacher asked me to name an element so I went up to her and shouted "ARGH!!" She jumped, startled, and said "What was that?" I said, "The element of surprise."

3) I failed my chemistry exam because of the Rolling Stones. It turns out Jumpin' Jack Flash is not a gas.

4) A biologist and a physicist got married but soon got divorced due to the lack of chemistry.
posted by wackybrit at 3:23 AM on April 22 [14 favorites]

One hydrogen atom says to another, "I have to pee." The other one says, "You must be excited!"
posted by Sublimity at 3:30 AM on April 22 [9 favorites]

A mosquito was heard to complain
"A chemist has poisoned my brain"
The cause of his sorrow?
Yes, it was dichloro

(aka DDT)
posted by Gwendoline Mary at 3:44 AM on April 22 [2 favorites]

Oh and....

Two atoms are walking down the street when one stops suddenly and say "uh-oh, I think I've lost an electron". The second atom says "woah, are you sure?" and the first replies, "yes, I'm positive!"
posted by Gwendoline Mary at 3:48 AM on April 22

A group of psychologists are sitting round a table when the telephone rings. Pavlov jumps up and says "Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dogs."
posted by Jakey at 4:02 AM on April 22 [16 favorites]

A constant, C, left the nightclub late but was scared to go through the dark alleyway to get home. He exclaimed to his friend, ex, "I'm afraid there's a differential operator lurking in there and I will be reduced to nothing!"

"Don't worry," ex assured him. "You're safe with me!"

So together the two friends walked through the alleyway. Just then, a differential operator jumped out of the shadows. "Ha ha!" he exclaimed. "You're dead!"

"You can't get me," said ex. "I'm ex!"

"Ha ha again," said the operator. "I differentiate with respect to y."
posted by forza at 4:32 AM on April 22 [7 favorites]

What's the contour integral of Western Europe?

Zero. All the Poles are in Eastern Europe.
posted by forza at 4:32 AM on April 22 [5 favorites]

Whoever named it Kosher salt is an idiot. They obviously should have gone with TaberNaCl.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 4:49 AM on April 22 [21 favorites]

The Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says "We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here." The Higgs Boson says "But without me, how can you have mass?"
posted by exogenous at 4:57 AM on April 22 [5 favorites]


A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5 ft to the right, and the statistician yells, "We got ‘im!"
posted by Tandem Affinity at 5:00 AM on April 22 [8 favorites]

A mathematician and computer scientist are both assigned the task of boiling a pot of water. They both start scribbling furiously - the mathematician writing out proofs and the computer scientist writing state transition diagrams. After hours, each fills a pot with water, puts it on the stove, turns on the stove and waits for the water to boil. Then each are assigned the task of boiling water, but with a pot already filled with water. The computer scientist writes out proof of a push down automata to solve the problem, scribbles all kinds of notes, and finally, hours later, puts the pot on the stove, turns on the stove and waits for the water to boil. The mathematician stares at the pot for several hours, starts writing proofs and scribbles them out. Finally, he dumps out the water and writes "reduced to a problem already solved."

What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? Works it out with a pencil.
posted by plinth at 5:58 AM on April 22 [2 favorites]

Johnny's gone forever,
He's gone forevermore;
What he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4

And there is a version of Gwendoline Mary's that scans slightly better:

A mosquito was heard to complain
That chemists had poisoned her brain.
The cause of her sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:03 AM on April 22

Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A: Four.
posted by brina at 6:11 AM on April 22

Two fermions walk into a bar. The first orders a Tanqueray martini with a twist. The second says, "damn. I was going to order that!"
posted by mr vino at 6:15 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]

What do you get if you cross a lab rat with a grad student?
A formal sanction from the ethics review board and your tenure revoked.
posted by zamboni at 7:03 AM on April 22 [5 favorites]

It's a cation.
posted by phunniemee at 7:04 AM on April 22

3 statisticians are duck hunting. A duck flies overhead.

The first statistician shoots, but misses. "Damn," he says, "too high!"

The second statistician shoots, but misses. "Damn, she says, " too low.

The third statistician pumps her fist. "We got him!"
posted by COBRA! at 7:16 AM on April 22

geologists know what makes the bed rock.
posted by bruce at 7:52 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]

This awful joke got favourited on twitter: Someone asked for good chemistry jokes. After trawling google I have decided that there are 10210.
posted by h00py at 8:09 AM on April 22

Why do computer scientists get confused around the holidays?

Because Oct 31 == Dec 25.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 9:20 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]

Have you seen the Chemistry Cat meme?
posted by getawaysticks at 9:37 AM on April 22

I told a chemistry joke, but there was no reaction.

Some rocks are gneiss, while others are just schist.
posted by tckma at 10:22 AM on April 22

A CS major is asked by his mother to pick up some groceries:

"Please get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The CS major leaves, and, after a while, returns with 12 gallons of milk.

His mother asks, "Why on earth did you get 12 gallons of milk?"
He replies, "Because they had eggs!"
posted by tckma at 10:51 AM on April 22 [2 favorites]

My favorite:

Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog Cauchy?
A: Because the dog left a residue at every pole!
posted by Rob Rockets at 10:53 AM on April 22 [2 favorites]

"What do Greek cows say?"
posted by cardinality at 10:57 AM on April 22

A biochemist, an inorganic chemist, and a physical chemist are at the track talking about their betting schemes. The biochemist tells the others "I have a sure way to pick the winning horse. I sneak down to the stables and draw blood from them, then I run some protein analyses." The inorganic chemist says "That's not bad, but risky. Me, I just get some samples of their drinking water, then I check out which one's getting the best mix of minerals." The physical chemist scoffs and says, "You wet chemists, all the same. I can tell you which horse is going to win, and I don't need to run any tests." The other two say, "Tell us! Tell us!" The p. chemist says, "First, assume the horses are perfect spheres...."
posted by solotoro at 10:58 AM on April 22 [2 favorites]

Three foreigners: a businessman, physicist, and mathematician, are talking about the country they're all visiting for the first time.

Suddenly, the businessman points out the window in surprise. "Look at that! The sheep in Scotland are black!"

Amused at how readily his new friend jumps to conclusions, the physicist corrects him: "No, all we can be certain of is that some of the sheep in Scotland are black."

The mathematician looks out the window himself, and corrects the both of them: "We know there exists a sheep in Scotland which is black on at least one side."
posted by roystgnr at 11:47 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]

Ah, wait, someone already posted a version of that in one of the "related questions" links. I'll back away sheepishly, and point you to another collection that Google probably found for you already.
posted by roystgnr at 12:04 PM on April 22

Does anyone remember the jokes about ortho docs, para docs, and methyl ethyl chicken wire?
posted by SemiSalt at 1:46 PM on April 22

A chemistry teacher is recruited as a radio operator in the first world war. He soon becomes familiar with the military habit of abbreviating everything. As his unit comes under sustained attack, he is asked to urgently inform his HQ. "NaCl over NaOH! NaCl over NaOH!" he says. "NaCl over NaOH?" shouts his officer. "What do you mean?" "The base is under a salt!" came the reply.
posted by IfIShouldEverComeBack at 7:10 PM on April 22 [1 favorite]

Many of these I first read in the Guardian's 'Scientists tell us their favourite jokes' which was posted on the blue here.
posted by undue influence at 7:19 PM on April 22

Loving these, keep them coming!
posted by chasepeople at 5:42 AM on April 24

One tectonic plate bumped into another and said, "I'm sorry. That was my fault."
posted by youngergirl44 at 5:57 AM on April 24 [2 favorites]

Similar to above...

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scalar.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
posted by huckit at 2:57 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]

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