Help me deal with my narcissistic ex
February 28, 2014 6:08 AM Subscribe
How do I protect myself and my child from an agonizingly selfish man during and after the divorce? In the long term, I think having him around my daughter will be harmful because of his demeaning views of women. He is one of those regressive men brought up in conservative societies and then abuse their freedom once they move to more sexually free societies (he lives in NYC) and treat their own women like trash.
As a recent example of his selfishness: Recently I tried to see how much of a help he would be to my daughter, but I am not sure he will be there for her as well. I created a hypothetical situation where I lost my job and couldn't pay the rent anymore, and asked if was he ok to have my daughter stay with him for a while till I get back on my feet, and the answer to that was "No". What's worse, is that he framed it in a way so as to sound the right thing for me and daughter "She will be miserable without you; plus my home is not ideal for a child". But the actual reason, which I found out by accident, is that he has been bringing home random women he meets at bars, and obviously they will be less inclined to sleep with him if they see toys, milk bottles, a crib etc. irrespective of whether my daughter is home or not when these women come home.
So I guess the point is that I am dealing with a super selfish ex and I can see him clearly for what he is now. He has no ethics or compassion what-so-ever.
Another example of his extreme selfishness is straining me financially: He has withheld most of marital property including my jewelry, and doesn't think that we should split the 401Ks (he earned 4 times my salary). He is refusing to return things that clearly belong to me including my jewelry.
His family has stopped communicating with me and my daughter for past year after this mother created a havoc in our already fractured marriage. So I am not entirely sure if they would have my daughters best interests in their hearts as well.
Earlier he wanted me to have full physical and legal custody of my daughter, now he says he would like to split the legal custody.
I want to put my emotions aside and deal with this guy smartly. I guess that's my only way out. Arghhhh... how did I end up marrying this narcissist???!!! :((
As a recent example of his selfishness: Recently I tried to see how much of a help he would be to my daughter, but I am not sure he will be there for her as well. I created a hypothetical situation where I lost my job and couldn't pay the rent anymore, and asked if was he ok to have my daughter stay with him for a while till I get back on my feet, and the answer to that was "No". What's worse, is that he framed it in a way so as to sound the right thing for me and daughter "She will be miserable without you; plus my home is not ideal for a child". But the actual reason, which I found out by accident, is that he has been bringing home random women he meets at bars, and obviously they will be less inclined to sleep with him if they see toys, milk bottles, a crib etc. irrespective of whether my daughter is home or not when these women come home.
So I guess the point is that I am dealing with a super selfish ex and I can see him clearly for what he is now. He has no ethics or compassion what-so-ever.
Another example of his extreme selfishness is straining me financially: He has withheld most of marital property including my jewelry, and doesn't think that we should split the 401Ks (he earned 4 times my salary). He is refusing to return things that clearly belong to me including my jewelry.
His family has stopped communicating with me and my daughter for past year after this mother created a havoc in our already fractured marriage. So I am not entirely sure if they would have my daughters best interests in their hearts as well.
Earlier he wanted me to have full physical and legal custody of my daughter, now he says he would like to split the legal custody.
I want to put my emotions aside and deal with this guy smartly. I guess that's my only way out. Arghhhh... how did I end up marrying this narcissist???!!! :((
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
First, stop making up what-if situations to test your ex's values. There's no joy there, and lots of needless stress for you.
Second, one of the purposes of being divorced is that you get to separate your value system from your ex's. He may indeed want to minimize kid time so there's less unromantic stuff around when he brings home the ladies. You work with a lawyer to determine how often and when your daughter sees her dad, and then it's up to Dad to figure out how his lifestyle is impacted by that.
Third, for your property and determining financial support of each person, you need a lawyer. Stop any and all conversations with your husband about it. They are, in some ways, irrelevant. Get a lawyer. The lawyer will explain what the law says about support, and you can figure out what emotion you have about that rather than poppycock conversations between you and your ex.
posted by cocoagirl at 6:20 AM on February 28, 2014 [8 favorites]
Second, one of the purposes of being divorced is that you get to separate your value system from your ex's. He may indeed want to minimize kid time so there's less unromantic stuff around when he brings home the ladies. You work with a lawyer to determine how often and when your daughter sees her dad, and then it's up to Dad to figure out how his lifestyle is impacted by that.
Third, for your property and determining financial support of each person, you need a lawyer. Stop any and all conversations with your husband about it. They are, in some ways, irrelevant. Get a lawyer. The lawyer will explain what the law says about support, and you can figure out what emotion you have about that rather than poppycock conversations between you and your ex.
posted by cocoagirl at 6:20 AM on February 28, 2014 [8 favorites]
Well, he's not wrong. He wouldn't be the best person to care for a child. You agreed before you did your test.
Often custody is used as a bargaining chip to get you to agree to less on the financial side. Courts are supposed to do what's in the best interest of the child. If you can show that he's not been there for the child, then your case should be stronger against him having any say in your daughter's upbringing.
posted by inturnaround at 6:23 AM on February 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
Often custody is used as a bargaining chip to get you to agree to less on the financial side. Courts are supposed to do what's in the best interest of the child. If you can show that he's not been there for the child, then your case should be stronger against him having any say in your daughter's upbringing.
posted by inturnaround at 6:23 AM on February 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
First of all, you need to stop creating these hypothetical "do you really love me?" situations. Because it sounds like you are not fully separated emotionally from this man, which is normal, but you have to start breaking the ties. Because what he does now in his personal life is not really your business, unless it affects your daughter.
Often, there are stipulations in custody agreements that disallow overnight visitors when the child is staying with the non-custodial parent (and vice versa, fyi, it could end up applying to you as well). That's something you need to talk to a lawyer about.
Same with the marital property and 401K, it's not really his choice, it's up to the lawyers and the law and the judge. Don't sign anything or agree to anything without your own attorney present.
If you want to put your emotions aside, seek counseling or join a support group for divorced women. Don't use your lawyer as a sounding board for your emotions, because that will just end up costing you money (time is money, those 15 minute phone calls add up! Trust me, I used to do billing for a divorce lawyer).
Write everything down in a list so that you can go over your concerns point by point.
Chances are, if your ex is the way you say he is, he may not even take advantage of visitation. Don't react to his talk of wanting joint custody, because that might make him do it out of spite. Just practice saying, "you can talk to my lawyer about that," and then you can go smack your pillow (or scream into it) later. But not in front of him and not in front of your daughter.
Good luck! It's rough but it will get better.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:24 AM on February 28, 2014 [8 favorites]
Often, there are stipulations in custody agreements that disallow overnight visitors when the child is staying with the non-custodial parent (and vice versa, fyi, it could end up applying to you as well). That's something you need to talk to a lawyer about.
Same with the marital property and 401K, it's not really his choice, it's up to the lawyers and the law and the judge. Don't sign anything or agree to anything without your own attorney present.
If you want to put your emotions aside, seek counseling or join a support group for divorced women. Don't use your lawyer as a sounding board for your emotions, because that will just end up costing you money (time is money, those 15 minute phone calls add up! Trust me, I used to do billing for a divorce lawyer).
Write everything down in a list so that you can go over your concerns point by point.
Chances are, if your ex is the way you say he is, he may not even take advantage of visitation. Don't react to his talk of wanting joint custody, because that might make him do it out of spite. Just practice saying, "you can talk to my lawyer about that," and then you can go smack your pillow (or scream into it) later. But not in front of him and not in front of your daughter.
Good luck! It's rough but it will get better.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:24 AM on February 28, 2014 [8 favorites]
I agree no hypothetical situations. A bit iffy to question his ethics after he doesn't respond to a lie in the way you'd like. Your tone is rather aggrieved, and it's for sure complicated, but putting thoughts of him sleeping with others or INJUSTICE! in general out of your mind will help. You have a lawyer; you're doing the right thing. Work on letting go.
posted by amodelcitizen at 6:51 AM on February 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by amodelcitizen at 6:51 AM on February 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
First of all, you need to stop creating these hypothetical "do you really love me?" situations.
Just wanted to clarify this: it seems to me this wasn't "do you really love me?" but "do you really care about your daughter's welfare, enough to make it a priority over your own comfort?"
Agreed that everything needs to go through the lawyers and the courts, and that a support group or counselor for you is a great idea. While I know that a lot of modern divorced couples make joint custody work, I was actually glad that my angry, misogynist father didn't seek any kind of custody.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:06 AM on February 28, 2014
Just wanted to clarify this: it seems to me this wasn't "do you really love me?" but "do you really care about your daughter's welfare, enough to make it a priority over your own comfort?"
Agreed that everything needs to go through the lawyers and the courts, and that a support group or counselor for you is a great idea. While I know that a lot of modern divorced couples make joint custody work, I was actually glad that my angry, misogynist father didn't seek any kind of custody.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:06 AM on February 28, 2014
Document everything, so that when he asks for custody (in whatever sense) you can say, "Here are some factors that might come into play." Resist the urge to be vindictive; just record everything as matter-of-factly as possible. His actions will speak for themselves.
posted by Madamina at 7:22 AM on February 28, 2014
posted by Madamina at 7:22 AM on February 28, 2014
A question: you refer to 'my' daughter throughout your question. Is she your and his daughter?
If so it sounds as if you have you have already decided he is out of her life. If not, I'm not clear why he should necessarily be involved in her life.
I don't doubt he is behaving like an arsehole but one of you needs to take the high ground for the sake of your daughter.
When you write about protecting your daughter from him you should also acknowledge that you need to protect your daughter from the toxic after effects of your divorce insofar as you can control or mitigate them - including your own bitterness with him and views on what a shitty guy he is. I'm not saying you can't think them or that you are wrong to think them.
I am saying that while you aim to take your daughter's best interests in heart, do not mix them up with your own views of what a selfish man he is with a meddling mother from a regressive society etc.
Your aim here - through your lawyer - is to safeguard your daughter firstly and yourself secondly. I would also be clear on whether you do or do not want him to have contact or custody. It sounds like you do. If so, putting emotion aside for a moment, think about what needs to happen for this to be possible - being clear on what you want and how you get it are the things to work through with both a lawyer and a counsellor: the first to negotiate it legally, the second to allow you to deal with a difficult and complex relationship issue with some structure and distance.
posted by MuffinMan at 7:29 AM on February 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
If so it sounds as if you have you have already decided he is out of her life. If not, I'm not clear why he should necessarily be involved in her life.
I don't doubt he is behaving like an arsehole but one of you needs to take the high ground for the sake of your daughter.
When you write about protecting your daughter from him you should also acknowledge that you need to protect your daughter from the toxic after effects of your divorce insofar as you can control or mitigate them - including your own bitterness with him and views on what a shitty guy he is. I'm not saying you can't think them or that you are wrong to think them.
I am saying that while you aim to take your daughter's best interests in heart, do not mix them up with your own views of what a selfish man he is with a meddling mother from a regressive society etc.
Your aim here - through your lawyer - is to safeguard your daughter firstly and yourself secondly. I would also be clear on whether you do or do not want him to have contact or custody. It sounds like you do. If so, putting emotion aside for a moment, think about what needs to happen for this to be possible - being clear on what you want and how you get it are the things to work through with both a lawyer and a counsellor: the first to negotiate it legally, the second to allow you to deal with a difficult and complex relationship issue with some structure and distance.
posted by MuffinMan at 7:29 AM on February 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
As the child of divorced parents, let me say this:
Please, please stop.
The harm your ex might cause your daughter by being selfish or misogynistic is hypothetical. The harm you can cause your daughter by demonizing her father as selfish and misogynistic and narcissistic and all the rest is almost certainly causing her harm now. If she's old enough to talk, she can sense this anger, and it will stay with her for life.
You have a lawyer. Good. That is how you protect yourself. Choose representation you trust and then have faith in that process. If, by doing so, you lose some of your jewelry or part of your 401(k), think of that money as given not to your ex but to your daughter. You are sacrificing it to a higher cause, and that cause is refusing to say anything nasty about your ex again, from this point forward. Not to your daughter. Not to your friends. Not even to internet boards. Not even to yourself.
Don't call your ex narcissistic.
Don't call him regressive.
Don't call him conservative.
Don't call him selfish.
Don't call him unethical.
Just stop.
Can you say, "I think my daughter would be better off in my custody?" Certainly. Can you say, "I think that I ought to have half the 401(k)?" Certainly. But the name-calling, the psychoanalyzing, the hate...It's not only unnecessary, it's actively harmful. It will ruin you and your daughter's lives if you let it. I've known too many people whose lives are built around hatred of their terrible, selfish, narcissistic exes. The exes don't suffer. They and their children do.
Let it go: the jewelry, the 401(k), even half custody, unless you think your daughter is actively at risk for abuse. Let it all go. Put it in the hands of your lawyers and of the courts. That is what an unselfish person would do, and if your ex is as selfish as you say, then you have to be unselfish for him.
That is how you protect your daughter, and that is how you protect yourself.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 7:51 AM on February 28, 2014 [21 favorites]
Please, please stop.
The harm your ex might cause your daughter by being selfish or misogynistic is hypothetical. The harm you can cause your daughter by demonizing her father as selfish and misogynistic and narcissistic and all the rest is almost certainly causing her harm now. If she's old enough to talk, she can sense this anger, and it will stay with her for life.
You have a lawyer. Good. That is how you protect yourself. Choose representation you trust and then have faith in that process. If, by doing so, you lose some of your jewelry or part of your 401(k), think of that money as given not to your ex but to your daughter. You are sacrificing it to a higher cause, and that cause is refusing to say anything nasty about your ex again, from this point forward. Not to your daughter. Not to your friends. Not even to internet boards. Not even to yourself.
Don't call your ex narcissistic.
Don't call him regressive.
Don't call him conservative.
Don't call him selfish.
Don't call him unethical.
Just stop.
Can you say, "I think my daughter would be better off in my custody?" Certainly. Can you say, "I think that I ought to have half the 401(k)?" Certainly. But the name-calling, the psychoanalyzing, the hate...It's not only unnecessary, it's actively harmful. It will ruin you and your daughter's lives if you let it. I've known too many people whose lives are built around hatred of their terrible, selfish, narcissistic exes. The exes don't suffer. They and their children do.
Let it go: the jewelry, the 401(k), even half custody, unless you think your daughter is actively at risk for abuse. Let it all go. Put it in the hands of your lawyers and of the courts. That is what an unselfish person would do, and if your ex is as selfish as you say, then you have to be unselfish for him.
That is how you protect your daughter, and that is how you protect yourself.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 7:51 AM on February 28, 2014 [21 favorites]
These are questions for your attorney.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:10 AM on February 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 8:10 AM on February 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your husband cannot keep court ordered finanical instruments and personal property. Once you have a decree, with items listed out, you go with a policeman, to your ex-husband's home and get the items. Let it alone until your divorce is finalized.
Any custody arrangements need to go through the family courts. Don't even discuss any possibilities with him. Practice saying, "Please go through the lawyers on that. I don't want to discuss it with you."
Only discuss visitation arrangements with your ex-husband, and those things that pertain to your daughter.
Stop letting your anger and frustration with your situation color your behavior. Rise above it.
Eventually, your divorce will be finanal, and everything will be in writing. Until then, let your lawyer handle it, that's what she's there for.
Who cares if he's bringing random women home? I don't care, why do you?
Fight for what you want in the divorce, THROUGH YOUR LAWYER. Keep conversations with your ex to a minimum and keep them as impersonal as possible.
Stop rising to his bait.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:41 AM on February 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
Any custody arrangements need to go through the family courts. Don't even discuss any possibilities with him. Practice saying, "Please go through the lawyers on that. I don't want to discuss it with you."
Only discuss visitation arrangements with your ex-husband, and those things that pertain to your daughter.
Stop letting your anger and frustration with your situation color your behavior. Rise above it.
Eventually, your divorce will be finanal, and everything will be in writing. Until then, let your lawyer handle it, that's what she's there for.
Who cares if he's bringing random women home? I don't care, why do you?
Fight for what you want in the divorce, THROUGH YOUR LAWYER. Keep conversations with your ex to a minimum and keep them as impersonal as possible.
Stop rising to his bait.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:41 AM on February 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
Per your follow up. Don't allow your husband into your home. Full Stop. Arrange to drop your daughter off at his place, or meet him for the hand off at the police station or another public place.
Rise above it. Keep your interactions to the minimum it takes to arrange for your daughter's care. That's it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:44 AM on February 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
Rise above it. Keep your interactions to the minimum it takes to arrange for your daughter's care. That's it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:44 AM on February 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you do not yet have a court order barring him from your house, this would be a very good thing to discuss with your attorney.
posted by disconnect at 8:48 AM on February 28, 2014
posted by disconnect at 8:48 AM on February 28, 2014
Please listen to pretentious illiterate. You have to let this go. Please, for your daughter's sake, do not demonize her father. If he is bad, she will see it on her own and come to you. Do not let her get hurt- of course- but you must stop this "he won't give me my money, his tacky whores, his awful family" talk right now. Definitely in front of her, at least. I hated, hated, hated that kind of talk from my mom. It made me reassure my own mother about my father- horrible, awful feeling for a child. Trust me.
Your hypothetical "take in daughter" scenario is weird and melodramatic and sounds like you're looking for an excuse to be mad. I also sense the beginning of resentment towards your daughter- she's "mine" (no, she is her own, a human being) and "only I am there for her." Oh God, she will sense your martyrdom and resentment of her and it will break her heart. It broke mine.
posted by quincunx at 8:54 AM on February 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
Your hypothetical "take in daughter" scenario is weird and melodramatic and sounds like you're looking for an excuse to be mad. I also sense the beginning of resentment towards your daughter- she's "mine" (no, she is her own, a human being) and "only I am there for her." Oh God, she will sense your martyrdom and resentment of her and it will break her heart. It broke mine.
posted by quincunx at 8:54 AM on February 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
Have you ever sat through a divorce trial? It would be worth a couple of days to see what actually happens in court.
Bill Eddy has written some good books that are relevant; Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, High Conflict People in Legal Disputes, BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns, and Don't Alienate the Kids!: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce
Also there's Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing
Our Family Wizard is a great tool, especially since when a message is sent to you it only says "you have a message" so you don't get an abusive subject line popping up on your phone during the day. It is also a great way of privately documenting things.
Lots of advice to trust your lawyer. I say "trust but verify". If some advice does not seem right, get another legal opinion. Use some kind of project management software so that you can track and verify things are getting done. Especially if your ex is pro-se he can burn up your lawyers fees, so if your lawyer is not keeping it under control you may need a new one.
You also may be facing charges of child abuse. If you brought the kid biweekly or monthly chiropractic visits, the kid could be examined and weighed so you would at least have some support to fight false charges. (just don't let him adjust the neck/jaw)
Facebook groups you may want to check out are After Narcissistic Abuse - There is Light, Life & Love and INTERNATIONAL Survivors of Sociopaths OR Domestic violence HEALING and the website One Mom's Battle
posted by Sophont at 9:07 AM on February 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
Bill Eddy has written some good books that are relevant; Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, High Conflict People in Legal Disputes, BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns, and Don't Alienate the Kids!: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce
Also there's Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing
Our Family Wizard is a great tool, especially since when a message is sent to you it only says "you have a message" so you don't get an abusive subject line popping up on your phone during the day. It is also a great way of privately documenting things.
Lots of advice to trust your lawyer. I say "trust but verify". If some advice does not seem right, get another legal opinion. Use some kind of project management software so that you can track and verify things are getting done. Especially if your ex is pro-se he can burn up your lawyers fees, so if your lawyer is not keeping it under control you may need a new one.
You also may be facing charges of child abuse. If you brought the kid biweekly or monthly chiropractic visits, the kid could be examined and weighed so you would at least have some support to fight false charges. (just don't let him adjust the neck/jaw)
Facebook groups you may want to check out are After Narcissistic Abuse - There is Light, Life & Love and INTERNATIONAL Survivors of Sociopaths OR Domestic violence HEALING and the website One Mom's Battle
posted by Sophont at 9:07 AM on February 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
Memail me privately if you want, but please do talk more about some behaviors of your mother that made you feel like you didn't get the best parenting possible by her. Seriously, I want to know more about this because I never want my daughter to suffer for the decisions I made.
I think you should make yourself comfortable with the fact that she will suffer for the choices you make, she probably already is, and that can be okay. You literally can't be perfect. You will make mistakes. Your kid will occasionally be the one who gets it in the face for those mistakes. Just like you did for your parents, and they did for theirs, and so on.
The best thing you can do for your daughter is to work towards being a happy and balanced person. If you can learn steps towards how to achieve that, then when your daughter is older you'll be able to turn around and teach those steps to her. Invaluable!
If in the future your daughter is exiting a bad and borderline abusive relationship, you'll have the tools on how to go forward from that, and be able to pass those tools on with love and no judgement.
(And seconding that mothers badmouthing fathers after the divorce is really really bad for kids, and will absolutely not have the affect you crave. It may even drive her towards him, especially if he's wealthy and generous and you're wallowing in anger and bile.)
posted by Dynex at 9:50 AM on February 28, 2014
I think you should make yourself comfortable with the fact that she will suffer for the choices you make, she probably already is, and that can be okay. You literally can't be perfect. You will make mistakes. Your kid will occasionally be the one who gets it in the face for those mistakes. Just like you did for your parents, and they did for theirs, and so on.
The best thing you can do for your daughter is to work towards being a happy and balanced person. If you can learn steps towards how to achieve that, then when your daughter is older you'll be able to turn around and teach those steps to her. Invaluable!
If in the future your daughter is exiting a bad and borderline abusive relationship, you'll have the tools on how to go forward from that, and be able to pass those tools on with love and no judgement.
(And seconding that mothers badmouthing fathers after the divorce is really really bad for kids, and will absolutely not have the affect you crave. It may even drive her towards him, especially if he's wealthy and generous and you're wallowing in anger and bile.)
posted by Dynex at 9:50 AM on February 28, 2014
>"She will be miserable without you; plus my home is not ideal for a child". But the actual reason, which I found out by accident, is that he has been bringing home random women he meets at bars, and obviously they will be less inclined to sleep with him if they see toys, milk bottles, a crib etc. irrespective of whether my daughter is home or not when these women come home.
Why not both? I'm sorry, but you're coming across as emotionally fraught. A man who has been recently separated is working and trying to regain a semblance of his life, and find some situation that works with his ex and child. When his ex calls and says "I lost my job, take the kid." And you think HE'S THE SELFISH ONE?! No, he correctly states that he's not in a position to take full-time care of the child, not to mention your child would be miserable without you (children love their mothers and are very sad to spend lots of time apart from them, it seems at least your ex understands this).
And yet, no, that couldn't be it. Surely the reason must be that it is because the child will get in the way of his other relationships. Relationships that, frankly, do not concern you. Yes, heartbreak hurts. But if you two are apart you don't get to choose who he sleeps with, and to assume that by sleeping with other women he is de facto a bad parent and his other reasons are false, is immature.
Get over yourself and start acting like an adult, for your child. You're jumping through hoops to create strange scenarios that make your ex seem like some horrible person. And heck, he very well may be. But you aren't the Virgin Mary here either, so get yourself together.
Also to add:
>I call my daughter mine because really, when I think about it, who else has been ever there for her?
Men tend to not play a large role in their child's life until the age of three. For many men this is challenging, because they feel left out. This is the time where women are in some ways the 'only parent.' So keep this in mind. Moreover, again, you created fake situations where your husband was to suddenly become 100% responsible for a 1 year old? He is clearly correct in saying a 1 year old female child will be miserable without her mother.
posted by jjmoney at 9:59 AM on February 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
Why not both? I'm sorry, but you're coming across as emotionally fraught. A man who has been recently separated is working and trying to regain a semblance of his life, and find some situation that works with his ex and child. When his ex calls and says "I lost my job, take the kid." And you think HE'S THE SELFISH ONE?! No, he correctly states that he's not in a position to take full-time care of the child, not to mention your child would be miserable without you (children love their mothers and are very sad to spend lots of time apart from them, it seems at least your ex understands this).
And yet, no, that couldn't be it. Surely the reason must be that it is because the child will get in the way of his other relationships. Relationships that, frankly, do not concern you. Yes, heartbreak hurts. But if you two are apart you don't get to choose who he sleeps with, and to assume that by sleeping with other women he is de facto a bad parent and his other reasons are false, is immature.
Get over yourself and start acting like an adult, for your child. You're jumping through hoops to create strange scenarios that make your ex seem like some horrible person. And heck, he very well may be. But you aren't the Virgin Mary here either, so get yourself together.
Also to add:
>I call my daughter mine because really, when I think about it, who else has been ever there for her?
Men tend to not play a large role in their child's life until the age of three. For many men this is challenging, because they feel left out. This is the time where women are in some ways the 'only parent.' So keep this in mind. Moreover, again, you created fake situations where your husband was to suddenly become 100% responsible for a 1 year old? He is clearly correct in saying a 1 year old female child will be miserable without her mother.
posted by jjmoney at 9:59 AM on February 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
Honestly it really sounds liek you are bringing the drama and you need to stop. He is likely just as fed up with you as you are with him. What you deserves based on what he made and all thath jazz is for the courts. stop complaining about it and try to move on with rebuilding your life. Divorce squeezes out most people financially, and is probably going to squeeze out your ex too if you persue alimony or child support. There are no winners or way to win in divorce. Maybe try to find some sort of divorce support group as a place to comiserate if you need one.
posted by WeekendJen at 10:26 AM on February 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by WeekendJen at 10:26 AM on February 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
Mod note: Comment removed. Spice_and_Ice, I can totally appreciate you feeling frustrated with this situation but you need to sort of take Ask Metafilter advice in stride and ignore the stuff you dislike or disagree with instead of arguing directly with folks answering.
posted by cortex (staff) at 10:31 AM on February 28, 2014
posted by cortex (staff) at 10:31 AM on February 28, 2014
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posted by rtha at 6:11 AM on February 28, 2014 [16 favorites]