Just not into him or fears from the past? 35f ponders marriage, again.
January 9, 2014 2:21 PM Subscribe
TL/DR: My BF (30) and I have been together a year and 1/2. Moved too fast for me, and him too in retrospect. Never got on my own feet after bad divorce and that feeling has endured the length of my current relationship. Close friend and 1000000 people on Meta suggest breaking up. But...I panic at that, too.
posted by dollyllama to Human Relations (25 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I had awesome responses to my last question and want to ask if the wise minds here for some validation. I fully admit I'm a bit relationship stunted so please forgive me if my questions sound like no-brainers to you. I asked my previous question in September regarding my relationship ambivalence. The consensus was that we should break up. I heard you loud and clear.
My boyfriend (live-in of over a year) and I have talked about this stuff with brutal honesty. It was really hard for me to be that honest, but I did it! I have a past full of abuse and trauma stuff, so this was a big deal for me. I've learned I can tell my BF *anything* and he won't get violent (he never never would anyway) or threaten to kick me out. My marriage was like that and it's taken me a year of being with a Good Guy to feel that safe emotionally.
My BF also backed way off on marriage pressure. It was killin' me. It's super important for him to be married and he wants that with me. I'm, of course, unsure.
Here's why I'm unsure, and I would like to hear if you think these are valid reasons. (I do, but I second guess and don't trust my own judgement sometimes):
-We reallllly rushed things and that has been a cloud over the entire relationship. Dated 18 days, I went away for 3 months for work, moved in together a week after my return. Marriage talk in the first few months. There's no way to undo that and maybe we set ourselves on an untenable path.
-I lost my job and have been out of work for over a year. I am 35 and there is some amount of existential crisis going on. I need a career and not finding anything in my area (California), even Starbucks. Feel like I need to move to another location, which I would do if single. BF cannot move due to work.
-Along with the lack of career/financial independence, I feel like I never really got on my own 2 feet after my divorce and before I started dating my current BF. Who am I outside of that wife/companion role? All that shit.
-After having such a bad marital experience before, I am super gun shy. My ex was horrible to me and threatened my life. I got out as soon as I understood what was happening but I felt trapped and in peril much of the time. So, I value my independence in a way that feels like life or death.
For these reasons, I've told my BF that marriage is not something I am going to consider right now. He doesn't understand, but has agreed to back off any marriage talk for 6 months or so. His view is, if we love each other we should get married to show that commitment. I don't see what the rush is, especially since we both acknowledge that we moved way too fast.
My BF is so special to me and the longer we are together, the better we are getting at communicating. Yet I'm still not feeling any zoom for him like I think I should. Dead bedroom. All this points to breaking up and being on my own. I told my BF that I don't know if it's even possible to get on my own feet, get my life straight and do all that post-divorce discovering who you are now stuff, all the while being in a relationship. That maybe we are good on paper but not good in execution. Bad timing. He doesn't believe in any of that stuff or why I can't "find myself" while in the relationship. I don't know what to think. Am I just not that into him? Am I confused about what love is? I do love him. I know he loves me. I trust him, he trusts me. We don't argue over stuff like household chores or money. We treat each other well. We are both loyal and faithful. But something is holding me back, my feelings aren't YIPPEE LET'S GET MARRIED and all evidence (myself and observations from others) says to be kind to him and bail out now.
So why can't I just do that? After a year and 1/2, at my age (35) shouldn't I have a clear idea if I want to spend my life with someone? And the fact that I don't know, is that an automatic MOVE ON?