What is this story about religious differences?

December 1, 2013 7:46 PM

I’m trying to find a short story I read a long time ago, but google is coming up short. The story is about two strangers who meet on the road and begin talking. Through a series of questions and answers, they discover that they are both Christians, both Protestants, both from the same denomination, both from the same branch of that particular denomination, etc etc. It keeps going on this way, with the strangers discovering that they belong to the same increasingly obscure religious sect. With each new discovery, they become more friendly and excited. At the end of the story, they realize there is one small difference between them (something like one belongs to the parish across the street from the other), at which point the strangers hate each other and nearly come to blows. What is this story, and where does it come from?
posted by helloimjohnnycash to Religion & Philosophy (10 answers total)

Best answer: Sounds like a bit from Emo Phillips' stand up routine. Am on mobile so can't link, but might help you refine your Google search.
posted by dotgirl at 7:52 PM on December 1, 2013

Best answer: It's a joke popularized by Emo Philips.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

posted by infinitewindow at 7:53 PM on December 1, 2013 [16 favorites]

Response by poster: Yes, this is it! Thank you!
posted by helloimjohnnycash at 7:56 PM on December 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

Best answer: The bit is called "Equustentialism" (the lead-in gag is that the guy about to jump off the bridge has the head of a horse), and it appeared on Emo's E=mo^2 album. It's available from the iTunes store. I occasionally play it for the students in my Renaissance and Reformation Europe course when we talk about the long-term ramifications of Luther's doctrine of sola scriptura and the unpredictable intervention of the Holy Ghost (from an emic point of view).
posted by brianogilvie at 8:34 PM on December 1, 2013 [8 favorites]

Hmm, so "emic" does not mean "of or relating to Emo Phillips". I'm a little disappointed.
posted by benito.strauss at 10:08 PM on December 1, 2013 [7 favorites]

It may predate Emo - I've seen a Russian Orthodox version, too.
posted by jquinby at 5:12 AM on December 2, 2013

It was voted the "funniest religious joke."
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 6:06 AM on December 2, 2013

People's Front of Judea. Predates Emo's version by 5 years or so.
posted by epo at 10:37 AM on December 2, 2013

Emo Phillips may have popularized the joke, but I've heard variations on it preceding his for…well, a long time.
posted by adamrice at 3:16 PM on December 2, 2013

He said, "Equustentialism is my favorite Emo Philips joke."
I said, "Mine too! The version off of E=mo², or the version off Live at the Hasty Pudding?"
posted by infinitewindow at 2:59 PM on December 3, 2013 [1 favorite]