Confused after a month of dating and a weird relationship talk
November 18, 2013 8:55 PM Subscribe
The "relationship talk" went way different than I thought it would. Now what?
I met him by striking up a conversation with him on a dating site. He wrote me me very thoughtful and interesting emails that got longer and longer. We met after 3 weeks and really hit it off.
We have been dating intensely for the past month. At first he called, texted, and emailed me several times per week, and that has turned into every day. We live about an hour apart and he wanted to have Skype calls many nights. He has asked to spend every weekend together. That turned into him coming down on Thursday and requesting to telecommute on Fridays to give us that extra day.
Last night (Sunday) he had to go back home and was asking me to take the week off of work and come back with him.
He has been calling me honey, sweetie, and special pet names that he has made up. He has used the word "boyfriend" in reference to himself, like "that's a good thing about having a boyfriend, to reach things on high shelves."
He has been very very very affectionate and overall treated me in an extremely giving and caring way.
He has introduced me to many of his friends and met many of mine, they all know we're dating.
Here's what happened today.
We have a mutual acquaintance and I told her we were in a relationship, which she didn't know, in fact I'm not sure she was aware we even knew each other. She emailed him about it, just because I think it was interesting news to her.
Shortly after that I got a text from him asking if I had time to talk. When I called him he made small talk for a bit but he sounded like he had something on his mind. Finally he mentioned how the acquaintance emailed him that I said we were in a relationship. He said we had never had that talk and should have it. I said sure.
Then he seemed uncertain and said we should have it this weekend when I'm scheduled to come see him. I said okay...
Then he said we should have it now. He started by saying he wanted to tell people were were dating in person, because they might feel bad that he hadn't told them. Then he said that he had a lot of uncertainty in his life and wasn't sure what he would be doing a year from now. He said he didn't want to waste my time if I was on some sort of tight time schedule. He said he had no plan for the future. And he said, "I hadn't really thought about our future."
Then he said he thought it was understood we were exclusive from the beginning. He also said we had only been dating for a month and he felt like we were still in the "getting to know you" phase. He said since we had only seen each other on weekends we had never seen each other in a bad mood on a regular day.
Then he said he hadn't really thought through what he was going to say and he hadn't thought about the future of "our relationship" at all and we should talk about it when I came up this weekend.
I pretty much didn't say anything while he was saying all of this since I wanted to hear what he was saying and try to understand it. Then he said he really wanted to know what I thought. I said that I liked him a lot and I would like for him to be my boyfriend but I understood if he felt like it was too soon. In reply he basically repeated several of the things he had already said and said he felt flattered that I wanted to be in a relationship with him.
Then he said he really liked how things had been going and he liked spending time with me, and he wanted to continue it. He repeated again that we should just talk about it when I come there.
Now I'm not sure what to think. I never would have expected him to say all this after all his actions and words this entire past month, which had all been very consistent and seemed very genuine.
I have a small feeling that now when he strokes my face and kisses me and calls me pet names, I will just feel like cold and empty. Like it's kind of all fake and meaningless, that it was just something he likes doing but doesn't really mean anything. I was starting to really develop feelings for him based on everything that has happened between us this past month, and now I feel really stupid and gullible.
Am I overreacting? Should I just give it time? What would you do?
I met him by striking up a conversation with him on a dating site. He wrote me me very thoughtful and interesting emails that got longer and longer. We met after 3 weeks and really hit it off.
We have been dating intensely for the past month. At first he called, texted, and emailed me several times per week, and that has turned into every day. We live about an hour apart and he wanted to have Skype calls many nights. He has asked to spend every weekend together. That turned into him coming down on Thursday and requesting to telecommute on Fridays to give us that extra day.
Last night (Sunday) he had to go back home and was asking me to take the week off of work and come back with him.
He has been calling me honey, sweetie, and special pet names that he has made up. He has used the word "boyfriend" in reference to himself, like "that's a good thing about having a boyfriend, to reach things on high shelves."
He has been very very very affectionate and overall treated me in an extremely giving and caring way.
He has introduced me to many of his friends and met many of mine, they all know we're dating.
Here's what happened today.
We have a mutual acquaintance and I told her we were in a relationship, which she didn't know, in fact I'm not sure she was aware we even knew each other. She emailed him about it, just because I think it was interesting news to her.
Shortly after that I got a text from him asking if I had time to talk. When I called him he made small talk for a bit but he sounded like he had something on his mind. Finally he mentioned how the acquaintance emailed him that I said we were in a relationship. He said we had never had that talk and should have it. I said sure.
Then he seemed uncertain and said we should have it this weekend when I'm scheduled to come see him. I said okay...
Then he said we should have it now. He started by saying he wanted to tell people were were dating in person, because they might feel bad that he hadn't told them. Then he said that he had a lot of uncertainty in his life and wasn't sure what he would be doing a year from now. He said he didn't want to waste my time if I was on some sort of tight time schedule. He said he had no plan for the future. And he said, "I hadn't really thought about our future."
Then he said he thought it was understood we were exclusive from the beginning. He also said we had only been dating for a month and he felt like we were still in the "getting to know you" phase. He said since we had only seen each other on weekends we had never seen each other in a bad mood on a regular day.
Then he said he hadn't really thought through what he was going to say and he hadn't thought about the future of "our relationship" at all and we should talk about it when I came up this weekend.
I pretty much didn't say anything while he was saying all of this since I wanted to hear what he was saying and try to understand it. Then he said he really wanted to know what I thought. I said that I liked him a lot and I would like for him to be my boyfriend but I understood if he felt like it was too soon. In reply he basically repeated several of the things he had already said and said he felt flattered that I wanted to be in a relationship with him.
Then he said he really liked how things had been going and he liked spending time with me, and he wanted to continue it. He repeated again that we should just talk about it when I come there.
Now I'm not sure what to think. I never would have expected him to say all this after all his actions and words this entire past month, which had all been very consistent and seemed very genuine.
I have a small feeling that now when he strokes my face and kisses me and calls me pet names, I will just feel like cold and empty. Like it's kind of all fake and meaningless, that it was just something he likes doing but doesn't really mean anything. I was starting to really develop feelings for him based on everything that has happened between us this past month, and now I feel really stupid and gullible.
Am I overreacting? Should I just give it time? What would you do?
This post was deleted for the following reason: Sorry, in its current form this is more of a processing exercise than a question. I understand you are upset and need to work through some feelings, but if you want to try editing to a more clear actual answerable question, please hit us up at the contact form in the next hour or so. -- LobsterMitten
Response by poster: I also just feel kind of ashamed that the idea of being in a relationship with me would cause him distress or that it was something he wanted to push away. I felt like he was happy with me and that made me feel really good. I would want to be with someone who would be really thrilled to be in a relationship with me. The way he reacted just makes me feel kind of rejected and bad, it just kind of takes the spring out of my step when I think about being with him.
posted by anonymousme at 9:02 PM on November 18, 2013
posted by anonymousme at 9:02 PM on November 18, 2013
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posted by anonymousme at 8:57 PM on November 18, 2013