What can you learn from a bad breakup?
September 12, 2013 4:00 AM
I was recently left by my partner of 4 years.... after I'd made significant life decisions based on the commitments he made to me. Now I feel like I've learned all these cynical life lessons. What should I take away from this? [special snowflake details inside]
My partner and I had an extended, cohabitational relationship - we referred to each other as 'life partners', we had a shared bank account for all non-personal expenses, and we consulted each other when making plans for things like retirement accounts. We had been discussing getting a formal civil union (we are not the marrying type).
In our relationship, there were many decision points where I had to make a sacrifice for the sake of his career. He got a job in Chicago, at the same time I was offered a $70,000/year fellowship at Stanford. He asked me not to take it - even if it was just a year, it would feel like a breakup to him. In Chicago, I would be doing a program to become a teacher (for which I had to incur $20k of debt)... I asked him to guarantee that I would have his support as a partner through my first year of teaching, or I wouldn't feel comfortable with such a sacrifice. He agreed.
Later on, we were deciding where to live in Chicago. He is very fussy about commutes, whereas I am not as bothered by them. We agreed that we would live close to his work - even though it meant a 90-minute commute for him. Once again, I pointed out this sacrifice would feel like an idiotic investment unless I felt like I was making an investment in my future. He re-upped his commitment, and made a promise to me to stay through a year of teaching.
Earlier this year, he decided to break up with me while I was away at a conference. I was taken by surprise - only earlier in the week we'd been cheerfully making plans for what would be my first year as a teacher. We'd always promised to see a counselor before breaking up, but he said he'd become fixed on the idea of being single again and now he couldn't talk himself out of it. When I pointed out that he made commitments to me that had consequences for my life, he said that I shouldn't have asked him to make promises.
Now I'm a first-year teacher, and my life is incredibly stressful. I would kill to have a support network right now - my days are insane, and I need to vent. I have to commute an hour each way to work, but I also don't feel like I can move out of what was our house, because I made it a home and it is where my community is based.
I am worried that I am taking away a bunch of lessons from this relationship that are cynical - don't trust promises, don't invest in other people, get things written down, marriage is the only thing that can protect you...
What are the lessons I should learn from this experience? And also, how can I deal with how unjust this feels? I still both love and like my ex-partner, and I wish there was a way for me to be friends with him - but I don't see how I can forgive this if he won't admit that he has done something wrong.
My partner and I had an extended, cohabitational relationship - we referred to each other as 'life partners', we had a shared bank account for all non-personal expenses, and we consulted each other when making plans for things like retirement accounts. We had been discussing getting a formal civil union (we are not the marrying type).
In our relationship, there were many decision points where I had to make a sacrifice for the sake of his career. He got a job in Chicago, at the same time I was offered a $70,000/year fellowship at Stanford. He asked me not to take it - even if it was just a year, it would feel like a breakup to him. In Chicago, I would be doing a program to become a teacher (for which I had to incur $20k of debt)... I asked him to guarantee that I would have his support as a partner through my first year of teaching, or I wouldn't feel comfortable with such a sacrifice. He agreed.
Later on, we were deciding where to live in Chicago. He is very fussy about commutes, whereas I am not as bothered by them. We agreed that we would live close to his work - even though it meant a 90-minute commute for him. Once again, I pointed out this sacrifice would feel like an idiotic investment unless I felt like I was making an investment in my future. He re-upped his commitment, and made a promise to me to stay through a year of teaching.
Earlier this year, he decided to break up with me while I was away at a conference. I was taken by surprise - only earlier in the week we'd been cheerfully making plans for what would be my first year as a teacher. We'd always promised to see a counselor before breaking up, but he said he'd become fixed on the idea of being single again and now he couldn't talk himself out of it. When I pointed out that he made commitments to me that had consequences for my life, he said that I shouldn't have asked him to make promises.
Now I'm a first-year teacher, and my life is incredibly stressful. I would kill to have a support network right now - my days are insane, and I need to vent. I have to commute an hour each way to work, but I also don't feel like I can move out of what was our house, because I made it a home and it is where my community is based.
I am worried that I am taking away a bunch of lessons from this relationship that are cynical - don't trust promises, don't invest in other people, get things written down, marriage is the only thing that can protect you...
What are the lessons I should learn from this experience? And also, how can I deal with how unjust this feels? I still both love and like my ex-partner, and I wish there was a way for me to be friends with him - but I don't see how I can forgive this if he won't admit that he has done something wrong.
Hopefully you will learn that you can survive betrayal, that happiness is possible even now. Hopefully you will come to see that there are many many choices in every relationship and the odds are that everyone will make some good and some bad ones. And now you know more than ever not to be That Guy, the one who breaks promises. You will discover that you are stronger than you thought and can do more than you thought.
posted by SyraCarol at 4:15 AM on September 12, 2013
posted by SyraCarol at 4:15 AM on September 12, 2013
I asked him to guarantee that I would have his support as a partner through my first year of teaching, or I wouldn't feel comfortable with such a sacrifice. He agreed.
Once again, I pointed out this sacrifice would feel like an idiotic investment unless I felt like I was making an investment in my future. He re-upped his commitment, and made a promise to me to stay through a year of teaching.
Maybe it's just the way you phrased it, but your description of these agreements sound very formal and almost as if these promises were extracted under duress.
In a strong relationship, both partners should be working for what's best for both of them. Both should work to make both successful in what they're doing. It sounds as if your ex was looking out for himself and had to have his arm twisted to be supportive of you. That doesn't strike me as a particularly healthy dynamic.
posted by Betelgeuse at 4:29 AM on September 12, 2013
Once again, I pointed out this sacrifice would feel like an idiotic investment unless I felt like I was making an investment in my future. He re-upped his commitment, and made a promise to me to stay through a year of teaching.
Maybe it's just the way you phrased it, but your description of these agreements sound very formal and almost as if these promises were extracted under duress.
In a strong relationship, both partners should be working for what's best for both of them. Both should work to make both successful in what they're doing. It sounds as if your ex was looking out for himself and had to have his arm twisted to be supportive of you. That doesn't strike me as a particularly healthy dynamic.
posted by Betelgeuse at 4:29 AM on September 12, 2013
In a sense, that is one of the benefits of marriage - it's a formal place where the promises to support each other can be enforced by the law. If you were married and he had divorced you for your first year of teaching, he would generally be obligated to financially support you still, given your sacrifices. Marriage is in many ways a protection.
When you say "you're not the marrying type", I also wonder what you mean. What about marriage would have seemed bad, but civil union would have seemed good? (Obviously disregard if you live in a state that does not acknowledge same-sex marriage and this was your relationship)
But in any sense, the lessons you have learned aren't "Don't trust promises unless they're on paper." They're "Don't trust promises by people who you sense are uncommitted enough to require making promises to hold their feet to the fire in the first place."
posted by corb at 4:43 AM on September 12, 2013
When you say "you're not the marrying type", I also wonder what you mean. What about marriage would have seemed bad, but civil union would have seemed good? (Obviously disregard if you live in a state that does not acknowledge same-sex marriage and this was your relationship)
But in any sense, the lessons you have learned aren't "Don't trust promises unless they're on paper." They're "Don't trust promises by people who you sense are uncommitted enough to require making promises to hold their feet to the fire in the first place."
posted by corb at 4:43 AM on September 12, 2013
He is very fussy about commutes, whereas I am not as bothered by them. We agreed that we would live close to his work - even though it meant a 90-minute commute for [me]. Once again, I pointed out this sacrifice would feel like an idiotic investment unless I felt like I was making an investment in my future.
Well, you could practice not deceiving yourself about your own feelings and preferences. If acquiescing to a 90-minute commute feels like a potentially idiotic investment then clearly long commutes do bother you, and the place you chose to live was not a fair compromise; it was all for his comfort. If you find yourself misrepresenting your own preferences for your partner's comfort, that's a bad sign. So, take that away.
But also keep in mind that the best you without eliminating intimate relationships entirely is reduce the risk, and keep communication honest and open. This guy sounds like a jerk. Don't blame yourself for his jerkiness.
posted by jon1270 at 4:45 AM on September 12, 2013
Well, you could practice not deceiving yourself about your own feelings and preferences. If acquiescing to a 90-minute commute feels like a potentially idiotic investment then clearly long commutes do bother you, and the place you chose to live was not a fair compromise; it was all for his comfort. If you find yourself misrepresenting your own preferences for your partner's comfort, that's a bad sign. So, take that away.
But also keep in mind that the best you without eliminating intimate relationships entirely is reduce the risk, and keep communication honest and open. This guy sounds like a jerk. Don't blame yourself for his jerkiness.
posted by jon1270 at 4:45 AM on September 12, 2013
I don't think this is a 100% chance (or even a very good chance) at all, but you may want to consult a lawyer if he made even an oral agreement to financially support you in return for your agreement not to go to Stanford and so on, especially if you can back it up with any kind of paperwork.
You may want to get this question anonymized if you plan to go that route, but it may already be too late, if he knows your metafilter account.
posted by empath at 4:50 AM on September 12, 2013
You may want to get this question anonymized if you plan to go that route, but it may already be too late, if he knows your metafilter account.
posted by empath at 4:50 AM on September 12, 2013
In time, life will have enrichened you to where you'll more clearly see just how twisted this dude's view of commitment and promises is. It is a gift of sorts because you'll start to recognize people like him much sooner. Please don't take that as an implied "you should have seen it coming" comment, it is not – no one can see this sort of thing coming unless they have already been there before, in one way or another. Trusting others is a good character trait, not a negative one, though yes, twisted people like to make you think that trust is for suckers. It is not. Also, fault-finding, as he did, and as the sort of "should have seen it coming" thinking is, really isn't constructive in relationships. As Betelgeuse rightly points out, relationships are supposed to be partnerships.
Time will heal the cynicism, don't worry. And don't feel bad that you are cynical right now, it's only natural. It will come and go in waves, the waves will get less pronounced as you meet more people and find out just how many make promises as responsible adults, not as immature folk who renege on a four-year relationship while you're away at a conference with "you made me make promises".
Your trust was broken. The way he did it was cruel. It is hard to trust, but when we do, we allow people to show they're worthy of it. By the same measure, they're also allowed to betray it. He betrayed it; he, the individual, doesn't deserve much trust any more. It doesn't have to be enlarged to include everyone. Think of all the people you've trusted who haven't betrayed you, and how much richer your life is for having them in it.
posted by fraula at 4:51 AM on September 12, 2013
Time will heal the cynicism, don't worry. And don't feel bad that you are cynical right now, it's only natural. It will come and go in waves, the waves will get less pronounced as you meet more people and find out just how many make promises as responsible adults, not as immature folk who renege on a four-year relationship while you're away at a conference with "you made me make promises".
Your trust was broken. The way he did it was cruel. It is hard to trust, but when we do, we allow people to show they're worthy of it. By the same measure, they're also allowed to betray it. He betrayed it; he, the individual, doesn't deserve much trust any more. It doesn't have to be enlarged to include everyone. Think of all the people you've trusted who haven't betrayed you, and how much richer your life is for having them in it.
posted by fraula at 4:51 AM on September 12, 2013
Here's what I learned from my bad break up:
- that I am guaranteed nothing, and therefore I should be able to live with each decision I make regarding the relationship assuming that I will still be able to live with it even if the relationship does not survive.
-that try as I might, I will never be the person who will happily make huge sacrifices for a significant other. Compromise, yes, but not life-altering, career-threatening, having-kids-when-I-don't-want-them-but-his-mom-won't-stop-nagging kind of sacrifice. I'm not sure if you are a woman, but I still feel that we have an unjust pressure to give up everything in order to make a relationship work. We're supposed to place men's needs above our own because being married with children is supposed to be the ultimate fulfillment. I don't want to just be the wife/girlfriend of someone with a great career, I want to BE the girlfriend with the great career. I refuse to be the cheering section for someone else, sacrificing my happiness for his. I refuse to play only a supporting role in my own life.
-that words are just that and that promises can be broken. That some words and sentiments can be shared without really understanding their profound significance, and sometimes people say things they don't mean because it's what the other party wants to hear, and that sometimes they promise one thing but begin to realize they cannot deliver.
-that no matter how hurt and angry I am, it will not last forever. That I will probably never truly know the Real Reason we broke up and I am not owed an explanation. It is not his responsibility to provide me with closure, and closure is overrated anyway.
-that I am a whole, complete person with or without a relationship. My singleness does not define me, yet it provides me ample opportunity to live the kind of life I want. That next time around, I know better than to dive into a relationship head first and lose my own identity, and that I should pay attention to those gut instincts if they tell me something is not right.
-that my pets are more faithful and loving companions than I think any person is capable of being, and I will always let then sleep in my bed no matter how unsanitary the media thinks that is, and the world can get over it.
posted by thank you silence at 4:54 AM on September 12, 2013
- that I am guaranteed nothing, and therefore I should be able to live with each decision I make regarding the relationship assuming that I will still be able to live with it even if the relationship does not survive.
-that try as I might, I will never be the person who will happily make huge sacrifices for a significant other. Compromise, yes, but not life-altering, career-threatening, having-kids-when-I-don't-want-them-but-his-mom-won't-stop-nagging kind of sacrifice. I'm not sure if you are a woman, but I still feel that we have an unjust pressure to give up everything in order to make a relationship work. We're supposed to place men's needs above our own because being married with children is supposed to be the ultimate fulfillment. I don't want to just be the wife/girlfriend of someone with a great career, I want to BE the girlfriend with the great career. I refuse to be the cheering section for someone else, sacrificing my happiness for his. I refuse to play only a supporting role in my own life.
-that words are just that and that promises can be broken. That some words and sentiments can be shared without really understanding their profound significance, and sometimes people say things they don't mean because it's what the other party wants to hear, and that sometimes they promise one thing but begin to realize they cannot deliver.
-that no matter how hurt and angry I am, it will not last forever. That I will probably never truly know the Real Reason we broke up and I am not owed an explanation. It is not his responsibility to provide me with closure, and closure is overrated anyway.
-that I am a whole, complete person with or without a relationship. My singleness does not define me, yet it provides me ample opportunity to live the kind of life I want. That next time around, I know better than to dive into a relationship head first and lose my own identity, and that I should pay attention to those gut instincts if they tell me something is not right.
-that my pets are more faithful and loving companions than I think any person is capable of being, and I will always let then sleep in my bed no matter how unsanitary the media thinks that is, and the world can get over it.
posted by thank you silence at 4:54 AM on September 12, 2013
I am not sure what you 'should' learn from this. Some experiences make you wiser; some just make you react and over-correct until something else happens, and then it's only after a lot more experience that you really figure some things out.
I can say one thing based in my own experiences in relationships. I have often been the more flexible partner within the relationship. Some things really, truly do not matter much to me, but if they do for my partner, then no problem, I can adjust or make a small compromise; we love one another, so it's all good. And then you get to the things that do matter to me as well. Even then, I can adjust or compromise if my partner really seems unable to adjust, because I figure, 'hey, I love this person, and the sacrifice does not measure up to losing the relationship.'
But then you get to much bigger conflicts; or the sum total of all the little sacrifices mounts, and you realize you have been doing a disproportionate share of the giving. I have found, for a personality like mine, it is all too easy to keep giving; to ignore the warning flags that you have blown right past the point of 'reasonable compromise' and you are now beginning to lose yourself.
I am guessing that you felt those warning pangs, and that is what led to you trying to extract guarantees and promises. And I think the point to take away from this is not necessarily 'never trust promises again'; rather it may be: no promise or guarantee is a substitute for doing what you need to do for yourself. If you lose yourself, no relationship will give that back to you. In this case, standing up more for what you wanted may have led to the end of the relationship -- but that ended up happening anyway.
The conflict that would have arisen, had you asserted more what you want, may have simply shown you much sooner that your partner was really not going to be there for you in deeds instead of just words.
posted by fikri at 4:54 AM on September 12, 2013
I can say one thing based in my own experiences in relationships. I have often been the more flexible partner within the relationship. Some things really, truly do not matter much to me, but if they do for my partner, then no problem, I can adjust or make a small compromise; we love one another, so it's all good. And then you get to the things that do matter to me as well. Even then, I can adjust or compromise if my partner really seems unable to adjust, because I figure, 'hey, I love this person, and the sacrifice does not measure up to losing the relationship.'
But then you get to much bigger conflicts; or the sum total of all the little sacrifices mounts, and you realize you have been doing a disproportionate share of the giving. I have found, for a personality like mine, it is all too easy to keep giving; to ignore the warning flags that you have blown right past the point of 'reasonable compromise' and you are now beginning to lose yourself.
I am guessing that you felt those warning pangs, and that is what led to you trying to extract guarantees and promises. And I think the point to take away from this is not necessarily 'never trust promises again'; rather it may be: no promise or guarantee is a substitute for doing what you need to do for yourself. If you lose yourself, no relationship will give that back to you. In this case, standing up more for what you wanted may have led to the end of the relationship -- but that ended up happening anyway.
The conflict that would have arisen, had you asserted more what you want, may have simply shown you much sooner that your partner was really not going to be there for you in deeds instead of just words.
posted by fikri at 4:54 AM on September 12, 2013
I am currently going through a similar situation - change some of the details regarding location and add a year to the relationship, and you would have basically the same question for ask.metafilter I drafted a few weeks ago and then decided not to post, right down to the sudden ending.
My current attitude is that there are no lessons to be learned from this, at least not right now. Maybe in time, some months or years hence, when you're not reeling from the shock, you will have the perspective to make sense of what happened, but dwelling on it so soon is not going to help you mend.
So how to deal? This is what is working for me: Lie to yourself. Make up some story about how you are a person who enjoys living in Chicago, and that this is really a Positive Thing that will turn out so much better than you ever expected. It doesn't really matter what the lie is, just make it a positive one, and make sure it doesn't have anything to do with your ex. Repeat this lie to yourself whenever you start trying to make sense of what happened, or when you are feeling particularly hard done by. Repeat it over and over. You will start believing it, and eventually it may even stop being a lie.
posted by logicpunk at 5:00 AM on September 12, 2013
My current attitude is that there are no lessons to be learned from this, at least not right now. Maybe in time, some months or years hence, when you're not reeling from the shock, you will have the perspective to make sense of what happened, but dwelling on it so soon is not going to help you mend.
So how to deal? This is what is working for me: Lie to yourself. Make up some story about how you are a person who enjoys living in Chicago, and that this is really a Positive Thing that will turn out so much better than you ever expected. It doesn't really matter what the lie is, just make it a positive one, and make sure it doesn't have anything to do with your ex. Repeat this lie to yourself whenever you start trying to make sense of what happened, or when you are feeling particularly hard done by. Repeat it over and over. You will start believing it, and eventually it may even stop being a lie.
posted by logicpunk at 5:00 AM on September 12, 2013
Well, you could practice not deceiving yourself about your own feelings and preferences. If acquiescing to a 90-minute commute feels like a potentially idiotic investment then clearly long commutes do bother you, and the place you chose to live was not a fair compromise; it was all for his comfort. If you find yourself misrepresenting your own preferences for your partner's comfort, that's a bad sign.
This is very good advice. I also think you should look into moving closer to where you work. Don't stay in your current place just to spite him and stew in what he did to you; playing victim only hurts you. You are in control now. You're done making compromises. You're free! Enjoy building the life you want for yourself.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:39 AM on September 12, 2013
This is very good advice. I also think you should look into moving closer to where you work. Don't stay in your current place just to spite him and stew in what he did to you; playing victim only hurts you. You are in control now. You're done making compromises. You're free! Enjoy building the life you want for yourself.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:39 AM on September 12, 2013
You learned that you can love someone.
You learned that you can make sacrifices for that love.
You learned he wasn't worthy of your love.
Don't be cynical. You're a super star.
posted by spunweb at 6:03 AM on September 12, 2013
You learned that you can make sacrifices for that love.
You learned he wasn't worthy of your love.
Don't be cynical. You're a super star.
posted by spunweb at 6:03 AM on September 12, 2013
You were making enormous, life-compromising sacrifices on the basis that you were in a committed relationship... except that you weren't, and you knew you weren't, otherwise why extract a promise from him that he'd support you for your first year as a teacher?
If you'd known you were committed, you wouldn't have had to insist on extending the (verbal) contract for a year. What might that have looked like - him gritting his teeth and enduring the relationship for a year before he left, instead of leaving now? Moving out but paying you financial compensation for lost earnings?
I think the reason you made these huge sacrifices was because you were only going to be in the relationship on his terms and you knew it. And having made the sacrifices, well, he'd have to have been a real shitheel to break up with you after you made such enormous, life-compromising sacrifices for him and only him, right? And as it turned out, fear of being a shitheel still wasn't enough to keep him in the relationship.
Marriage would have afforded you some legal protection in which you might well have had some financial recourse, but as you say, you're not the marrying kind. If financial recourse is really your chief concern, you could perhaps get a legal contract drawn up the next time you enter into any kind of joint financial arrangement with anyone. Although in general, a contract is only as good as each of the people signing it (including marriage contracts, though I understand that they are often quite enforceable).
I realize this sounds very harsh, and I'm not conveying the level of sympathy I want to convey to you at a time like this, while you're in pain.
You have framed all this in a very legalistic way, and you can point to the exact ways in which it's objectively unfair, but what's happening is, you're in pain. You gave 110% to keep him, and he got everything he wanted until he decided he'd had enough, whereupon he decided to do exactly what he wanted at your expense, again.
What you can learn from this is that you need to hang out for what you want. Saying "okay I will make this sacrifice and that sacrifice and then the rules are you will in the future do this and you will do that and our relationship is in category A.1(i) and not category A.1(ii) and this categorization does not affect my our your statutory rights..." You know you wouldn't have needed to say these things if the guy was truly going to be there for you, right? You know.
tl;dr Rules-lawyering is cold comfort, so make sure to go for what you want and only make choices that you can live with.
((((Hugs)))) I'm sorry. It really really sucks.
posted by tel3path at 6:11 AM on September 12, 2013
If you'd known you were committed, you wouldn't have had to insist on extending the (verbal) contract for a year. What might that have looked like - him gritting his teeth and enduring the relationship for a year before he left, instead of leaving now? Moving out but paying you financial compensation for lost earnings?
I think the reason you made these huge sacrifices was because you were only going to be in the relationship on his terms and you knew it. And having made the sacrifices, well, he'd have to have been a real shitheel to break up with you after you made such enormous, life-compromising sacrifices for him and only him, right? And as it turned out, fear of being a shitheel still wasn't enough to keep him in the relationship.
Marriage would have afforded you some legal protection in which you might well have had some financial recourse, but as you say, you're not the marrying kind. If financial recourse is really your chief concern, you could perhaps get a legal contract drawn up the next time you enter into any kind of joint financial arrangement with anyone. Although in general, a contract is only as good as each of the people signing it (including marriage contracts, though I understand that they are often quite enforceable).
I realize this sounds very harsh, and I'm not conveying the level of sympathy I want to convey to you at a time like this, while you're in pain.
You have framed all this in a very legalistic way, and you can point to the exact ways in which it's objectively unfair, but what's happening is, you're in pain. You gave 110% to keep him, and he got everything he wanted until he decided he'd had enough, whereupon he decided to do exactly what he wanted at your expense, again.
What you can learn from this is that you need to hang out for what you want. Saying "okay I will make this sacrifice and that sacrifice and then the rules are you will in the future do this and you will do that and our relationship is in category A.1(i) and not category A.1(ii) and this categorization does not affect my our your statutory rights..." You know you wouldn't have needed to say these things if the guy was truly going to be there for you, right? You know.
tl;dr Rules-lawyering is cold comfort, so make sure to go for what you want and only make choices that you can live with.
((((Hugs)))) I'm sorry. It really really sucks.
posted by tel3path at 6:11 AM on September 12, 2013
Here's what bugs me, you made compromises based on promises of future performance. No one can see into the future, and it's not fair for someone to stay in a relationship where he is unhappy because he promised some things into the future.
That said, start making decisions that are in your best interest in the NOW.
For example, when the issue of your fellowship at Stanford came up you had two options. Take it and break up, or not take it and incur debt to stay with your SO. That was the only actual data you had for making that decision. Because those were the two things that mattered in the NOW. Ask yourself, given those data points, would you have made the same decision?
As for the commute. Why is it that your comfort didn't matter to your SO, and why did you cave on that issue so easily? Again, the decision was: Do we pick this place where one person has no commute and the other has an ungodly commute, or do we keep looking for something more centrally located? The offer to "support" you in your first year of teaching is moot, since it's not in the NOW.
What you should take away from this is no cynical lesson, just a philosophical one. No one controls the future, what matters is NOW, therefore live for now, make decisions for now.
As for choosing SOs in the future, go with people who are willing to compromise in your direction every so often.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:13 AM on September 12, 2013
That said, start making decisions that are in your best interest in the NOW.
For example, when the issue of your fellowship at Stanford came up you had two options. Take it and break up, or not take it and incur debt to stay with your SO. That was the only actual data you had for making that decision. Because those were the two things that mattered in the NOW. Ask yourself, given those data points, would you have made the same decision?
As for the commute. Why is it that your comfort didn't matter to your SO, and why did you cave on that issue so easily? Again, the decision was: Do we pick this place where one person has no commute and the other has an ungodly commute, or do we keep looking for something more centrally located? The offer to "support" you in your first year of teaching is moot, since it's not in the NOW.
What you should take away from this is no cynical lesson, just a philosophical one. No one controls the future, what matters is NOW, therefore live for now, make decisions for now.
As for choosing SOs in the future, go with people who are willing to compromise in your direction every so often.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:13 AM on September 12, 2013
You learn that being happy in a relationship today doesn't mean living solely on someone else's terms and promises about tomorrow.
posted by sm1tten at 6:15 AM on September 12, 2013
posted by sm1tten at 6:15 AM on September 12, 2013
"In our relationship, there were many decision points where I had to make a sacrifice for the sake of his career. He got a job in Chicago, at the same time I was offered a $70,000/year fellowship at Stanford. He asked me not to take it - even if it was just a year, it would feel like a breakup to him."
Here's what jumps out at me. Married people (or long-term coupled people) sometimes have to live apart for a while -- for jobs, for military deployments, for school, for family circumstances. If you taking a prestigious, well-paid fellowship at Stanford for a single year "felt like a breakup" to him, rather than like something kinda shitty because he'd miss you but you'd find a way through it, to me that's a sign that he didn't really view you as "life partners." He viewed you as dating and knew the relationship wasn't very strong (from his point of view) and had an expiration date. Which is why he says:
"When I pointed out that he made commitments to me that had consequences for my life, he said that I shouldn't have asked him to make promises."
And which is why (I suspect) he doesn't view himself as the marrying type -- not because he held the same view of partnership you did, but because he wasn't "all in." It's okay to be long-term partners who are not the marrying type, but the reason many people want to be engaged, married, or civilly unionized before making these big two-person life decisions is that culturally, it signals a seriousness of intent even though it doesn't guarantee things won't fall apart anyway. Anyway, someone who doesn't want to live apart for a year AND doesn't want to make formal promises is probably someone who's not as committed as he's pretending to be. (Did he make sacrifices for you?)
(It really is okay to be "not the marrying type" -- I have a cousin who lived with his girlfriend for 20 years before they finally went, "Oh, we should probably get married, shouldn't we?" when they were named guardians of another relative's baby and just wanted to simplify the temporary-parent situation legally and without that impetus I'm quite sure they would have never gotten around to it. So they went to Vegas and there are two universal reactions, which are, "Wait, you guys weren't already married?" or "Oh, man, I keep forgetting you guys are married!")
I think you should be angry and this is shitty. Are you a naturally optimistic person? If yes, then I'd wallow in feeling angry and shitty for a while with the knowledge that my naturally optimistic self would eventually bubble back up when she was ready. ("Oh well, at least I got an awesome apartment and met all these cool people!") For me, at first these thoughts would be in the "cold comfort" and "sarcastic" realms, but gradually they'd come to be actual cheerful thoughts of "Well, that was a really shitty thing that happened, but I've learned a lot about myself and some good outcomes came from that bad situation!"
Are you driving? On the train/bus? If you're driving, get a headset (hello cook county!) and spend that hour venting to your mom or your BFF or some other teachers. Find someone! If you're on the train/bus, gchat people on your phone (and/or do grading).
Also if you're in CPS there are mentoring and support programs for first-year teachers because the first year of teaching suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks and is really hard. Ask your principal or your union rep. A lot of the mentor teachers are women in their 50s or 60s who have kids your age and they will mother you in addition to mentoring you. :)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:17 AM on September 12, 2013
Here's what jumps out at me. Married people (or long-term coupled people) sometimes have to live apart for a while -- for jobs, for military deployments, for school, for family circumstances. If you taking a prestigious, well-paid fellowship at Stanford for a single year "felt like a breakup" to him, rather than like something kinda shitty because he'd miss you but you'd find a way through it, to me that's a sign that he didn't really view you as "life partners." He viewed you as dating and knew the relationship wasn't very strong (from his point of view) and had an expiration date. Which is why he says:
"When I pointed out that he made commitments to me that had consequences for my life, he said that I shouldn't have asked him to make promises."
And which is why (I suspect) he doesn't view himself as the marrying type -- not because he held the same view of partnership you did, but because he wasn't "all in." It's okay to be long-term partners who are not the marrying type, but the reason many people want to be engaged, married, or civilly unionized before making these big two-person life decisions is that culturally, it signals a seriousness of intent even though it doesn't guarantee things won't fall apart anyway. Anyway, someone who doesn't want to live apart for a year AND doesn't want to make formal promises is probably someone who's not as committed as he's pretending to be. (Did he make sacrifices for you?)
(It really is okay to be "not the marrying type" -- I have a cousin who lived with his girlfriend for 20 years before they finally went, "Oh, we should probably get married, shouldn't we?" when they were named guardians of another relative's baby and just wanted to simplify the temporary-parent situation legally and without that impetus I'm quite sure they would have never gotten around to it. So they went to Vegas and there are two universal reactions, which are, "Wait, you guys weren't already married?" or "Oh, man, I keep forgetting you guys are married!")
I think you should be angry and this is shitty. Are you a naturally optimistic person? If yes, then I'd wallow in feeling angry and shitty for a while with the knowledge that my naturally optimistic self would eventually bubble back up when she was ready. ("Oh well, at least I got an awesome apartment and met all these cool people!") For me, at first these thoughts would be in the "cold comfort" and "sarcastic" realms, but gradually they'd come to be actual cheerful thoughts of "Well, that was a really shitty thing that happened, but I've learned a lot about myself and some good outcomes came from that bad situation!"
Are you driving? On the train/bus? If you're driving, get a headset (hello cook county!) and spend that hour venting to your mom or your BFF or some other teachers. Find someone! If you're on the train/bus, gchat people on your phone (and/or do grading).
Also if you're in CPS there are mentoring and support programs for first-year teachers because the first year of teaching suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks and is really hard. Ask your principal or your union rep. A lot of the mentor teachers are women in their 50s or 60s who have kids your age and they will mother you in addition to mentoring you. :)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:17 AM on September 12, 2013
Big decisions are made mutually - and there needs to be something good in the bucket for both. For a next round: as soon as you begin to think along the lines of "sacrifice" or hear yourself asking for commitment guarantees, there's your red flag of deja vu.
Or, as a formula: Your next partner should not arrange things exclusively his way, forcing you to say "yes okay, but only if"; you should not suggest to your next partner that it is okay to arrange things exclusively his way.
(And he should never have tampered with your fellowship. What an idea!)
posted by Namlit at 7:05 AM on September 12, 2013
Or, as a formula: Your next partner should not arrange things exclusively his way, forcing you to say "yes okay, but only if"; you should not suggest to your next partner that it is okay to arrange things exclusively his way.
(And he should never have tampered with your fellowship. What an idea!)
posted by Namlit at 7:05 AM on September 12, 2013
If you taking a prestigious, well-paid fellowship at Stanford for a single year "felt like a breakup" to him, rather than like something kinda shitty because he'd miss you but you'd find a way through it, to me that's a sign that he didn't really view you as "life partners."
I was going to post something exactly like this. Yeah it's shitty to be away from the person you love, but a year is nothing over the course of a lifetime. If he didn't recognize that you doing the thing that would be best for your career would not just be good for you, but good for him in the long-run as well -- because as your partner what is good for you is good for him -- then he didn't really see you as his partner. It's a "me/you" mindset vs "us."
As for a positive lesson to take from this -- I think as you pick up the pieces from this and start building the life you want for yourself, and pursuing the things that fulfill you and make you happy -- you will learn that you are stronger than you knew. But this will take some time.
posted by Asparagus at 7:15 AM on September 12, 2013
I was going to post something exactly like this. Yeah it's shitty to be away from the person you love, but a year is nothing over the course of a lifetime. If he didn't recognize that you doing the thing that would be best for your career would not just be good for you, but good for him in the long-run as well -- because as your partner what is good for you is good for him -- then he didn't really see you as his partner. It's a "me/you" mindset vs "us."
As for a positive lesson to take from this -- I think as you pick up the pieces from this and start building the life you want for yourself, and pursuing the things that fulfill you and make you happy -- you will learn that you are stronger than you knew. But this will take some time.
posted by Asparagus at 7:15 AM on September 12, 2013
When my future husband and I first started seeing each other, we both applied for the same grad school. He got in and I did not. He deferred for a year and ultimately decided not to go. While his decision was partially motivated by the fact that we started living together, he was also concerned about the cost of grad school and after working for a year, decided that he would rather earn money working than pay money to go to school. Our relationship was one factor in his decision not to go but it wasn't the only factor. Now that he has had the opportunity to hire people from that grad school program, he is more confident that he made the right decision.
You have to make decisions that are right for you. He has to make decisions that are right for him. Sometimes there's overlap but sometimes there isn't. In a relationship, each partner needs to feel like they are not giving up too much. It sounds like you feel like you gave up too much.
I don't think that it's fair or productive to say "but you promised!' in these types of situations. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, even if they promised to stay with me forever, support me, etc. Marriage isn't a safety blanket. My husband is free to say at any point that he no longer wants to be with me. It just means that our breakup would be a lot more complicated.
Move if you can. If you can't, remind yourself that your living situation is temporary and think about what you're going to do after that. Think about the things you've always wanted to do. Why can't you do them? Can you really not do them or have you just told yourself that you can't do them? If you really can't do them, work towards putting yourself in a position where you can. Make this breakup the best thing that ever happened to you by taking it as an opportunity to re-dedicate yourself to living your dream life.
posted by kat518 at 7:40 AM on September 12, 2013
You have to make decisions that are right for you. He has to make decisions that are right for him. Sometimes there's overlap but sometimes there isn't. In a relationship, each partner needs to feel like they are not giving up too much. It sounds like you feel like you gave up too much.
I don't think that it's fair or productive to say "but you promised!' in these types of situations. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, even if they promised to stay with me forever, support me, etc. Marriage isn't a safety blanket. My husband is free to say at any point that he no longer wants to be with me. It just means that our breakup would be a lot more complicated.
Move if you can. If you can't, remind yourself that your living situation is temporary and think about what you're going to do after that. Think about the things you've always wanted to do. Why can't you do them? Can you really not do them or have you just told yourself that you can't do them? If you really can't do them, work towards putting yourself in a position where you can. Make this breakup the best thing that ever happened to you by taking it as an opportunity to re-dedicate yourself to living your dream life.
posted by kat518 at 7:40 AM on September 12, 2013
Everyone's advice is spot on. You want to feel that your partner has your interests at heart, and he will show this when you state clearly what you want and don't start from a position of "my wishes are more flexible" which women are socialize to do. Finally I'm sorry about the Stanford part. Your partner should have been excited for you and you should have been talking how to keep in contact during that year etc. He sounded immature and needy.
Don't be bitter. These were in the end your own choices, so next time you'll remember this and openly state what you want. And I am old school about marriage for precisely this reason. "Oh it's just a piece of paper" is BS, it is a formal, public demonstration of ones intentions, which would otherwise be unclear and unknown.
Four years is tough but you could have spent a lifetime w this douche.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:06 AM on September 12, 2013
Don't be bitter. These were in the end your own choices, so next time you'll remember this and openly state what you want. And I am old school about marriage for precisely this reason. "Oh it's just a piece of paper" is BS, it is a formal, public demonstration of ones intentions, which would otherwise be unclear and unknown.
Four years is tough but you could have spent a lifetime w this douche.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:06 AM on September 12, 2013
Eyebrows McGee: Married people (or long-term coupled people) sometimes have to live apart for a while -- for jobs, for military deployments, for school, for family circumstances. If you taking a prestigious, well-paid fellowship at Stanford for a single year "felt like a breakup" to him, rather than like something kinda shitty because he'd miss you but you'd find a way through it, to me that's a sign that he didn't really view you as "life partners."
Exactly this. My mom once took a job halfway across the country one summer, and she, my sister, and I moved out there and left my dad back home to work at his regular old job. It sucked and he worked a lot of overtime just to have something to do. His social interaction was long conversations with the dog. At the end of my mom's job, he took time off to come out to us and we had a vacation together, and then we all went back home and got back to regular life. In no way did anyone think it was a separation, and in no way did it change the fundamental nature of my parents' relationship, which was that they were married and a family unit.
Your ex didn't feel like you two were a unit regardless of situation, so when it looked like you were going to be apart, he felt upset and asked you not to take the fellowship because he knew the relationship was not the foundation of your being together - physical togetherness was.
I would learn from this situation: that when you are confident that your relationship could survive a really crappy year of being apart and having no one to discuss your day with except your pets - that's when it's real.
posted by chainsofreedom at 9:16 AM on September 12, 2013
Exactly this. My mom once took a job halfway across the country one summer, and she, my sister, and I moved out there and left my dad back home to work at his regular old job. It sucked and he worked a lot of overtime just to have something to do. His social interaction was long conversations with the dog. At the end of my mom's job, he took time off to come out to us and we had a vacation together, and then we all went back home and got back to regular life. In no way did anyone think it was a separation, and in no way did it change the fundamental nature of my parents' relationship, which was that they were married and a family unit.
Your ex didn't feel like you two were a unit regardless of situation, so when it looked like you were going to be apart, he felt upset and asked you not to take the fellowship because he knew the relationship was not the foundation of your being together - physical togetherness was.
I would learn from this situation: that when you are confident that your relationship could survive a really crappy year of being apart and having no one to discuss your day with except your pets - that's when it's real.
posted by chainsofreedom at 9:16 AM on September 12, 2013
You may not feel the lesson right now, but I fully believe that wasting your time with someone who is not giving to you completely is sadder and ultimately more painful than loneliness or the inconveniences you have mentioned. Whoever he is as a person, he has freed you to live your life and find the real life partner you deserve.
posted by InkaLomax at 9:53 AM on September 12, 2013
posted by InkaLomax at 9:53 AM on September 12, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by thelastpolarbear at 4:13 AM on September 12, 2013