Can you convert a (literate) non-reader?
August 7, 2013 7:47 AM Subscribe
I would like my boyfriend to read more for leisure. Partly because I think he'd enjoy it, but also because I think it would be a good activity to share together. He's never been "into" reading; I think he sees it as a significant commitment. Were you a non-reader previously and now love to read? What made you change? If you are an avid reader yourself, have you ever inspired someone to start? How did you go about it?
This past weekend, one of my best friends/college roommates came to visit in Chicago. The trip was meant to serve as a last hoorah before she moves to Spain next month for a new job, but also gave her the opportunity to (finally) meet my boyfriend. He and I have been dating for about a year and a half, but every time my friend has come to visit, he’s been out of town. I was naturally curious about her opinion, since everything she’d known about him up until that point was based on what I’d shared. Luckily, he got rave reviews. One of the things she mentioned that I am most proud of (and, in a way, relieved about) is that he and I have “great cadence in [our conversation]” and “a good vibe with each other.” We know each other very well, and it’s easy for us to talk for hours without running out of topics (it should be noted, though, that I am more of a talker than he is). Usually there is a lot of joking and wit involved, a banter that is unique to us. It hasn’t always been this way.
I truly believe we have developed our connection in most areas that I suppose many people consider significant, and even necessary, in a romantic relationship. The physical, spiritual, sexual, emotional, and conversational bonds are all there – some stronger than others, but mostly all in a good place at this time. The one thing on which I wish we could connect more (and perhaps it sounds like I demand a perfect relationship. I don’t.) is our intellectual bond. He is extremely smart. If it matters, he has an MIS and spent some of his career trading stocks, and now works at the same consulting company I do (in a different area). If it helps answer the question – he’s almost 30, and I’m 24.
I love to read. He doesn’t partake – hardly ever. One of the excuses he gives is that he’s too busy, and if he gets a break, he’d rather sleep. He doesn’t watch tv. He works late (as do I), and comes back to his hotel and crashes. I, too, have long hours, but I usually find time to read for leisure, either right before bed, or in the morning if I wake up early, or on flights from my client back to Chicago. He does bring a magazine or two on his flights, but only gets through a page or two and then becomes disinterested or falls asleep. I gave him a book I thought he’d like, and he has been interested – he’s about halfway through – but it’s been maybe 4 months since I gave it to him. I don’t think he lacks interest in the subject, I think he lacks interest in putting the effort into reading. But he was never a reader, even when he was young. I was. I think those who grew up having a passion for reading carry that through to adulthood, and some who didn’t never quite get into it. Can I make him become a reader? I would love to share a book together and converse about it as we go. I am not worried about pace; rather, I’m hopeful he doesn’t view it as a chore. His interests are diverse, including aviation (he’s a recreational pilot), running (he ran track in college), travel, novel ideas, innovation, some historical figures, and more. I think it’d be easy to find something to read together since those interests are only a subset of mine.
What do you recommend, hivemind? We do exchange articles with each other we find online, but that’s about as lengthy as he’ll get. Should I start with a short book? Fiction, nonfiction? A collection of articles? A blog? Especially interested in hearing from those who used to “hate” to read, but now love it. All opinions are welcome, though!
This past weekend, one of my best friends/college roommates came to visit in Chicago. The trip was meant to serve as a last hoorah before she moves to Spain next month for a new job, but also gave her the opportunity to (finally) meet my boyfriend. He and I have been dating for about a year and a half, but every time my friend has come to visit, he’s been out of town. I was naturally curious about her opinion, since everything she’d known about him up until that point was based on what I’d shared. Luckily, he got rave reviews. One of the things she mentioned that I am most proud of (and, in a way, relieved about) is that he and I have “great cadence in [our conversation]” and “a good vibe with each other.” We know each other very well, and it’s easy for us to talk for hours without running out of topics (it should be noted, though, that I am more of a talker than he is). Usually there is a lot of joking and wit involved, a banter that is unique to us. It hasn’t always been this way.
I truly believe we have developed our connection in most areas that I suppose many people consider significant, and even necessary, in a romantic relationship. The physical, spiritual, sexual, emotional, and conversational bonds are all there – some stronger than others, but mostly all in a good place at this time. The one thing on which I wish we could connect more (and perhaps it sounds like I demand a perfect relationship. I don’t.) is our intellectual bond. He is extremely smart. If it matters, he has an MIS and spent some of his career trading stocks, and now works at the same consulting company I do (in a different area). If it helps answer the question – he’s almost 30, and I’m 24.
I love to read. He doesn’t partake – hardly ever. One of the excuses he gives is that he’s too busy, and if he gets a break, he’d rather sleep. He doesn’t watch tv. He works late (as do I), and comes back to his hotel and crashes. I, too, have long hours, but I usually find time to read for leisure, either right before bed, or in the morning if I wake up early, or on flights from my client back to Chicago. He does bring a magazine or two on his flights, but only gets through a page or two and then becomes disinterested or falls asleep. I gave him a book I thought he’d like, and he has been interested – he’s about halfway through – but it’s been maybe 4 months since I gave it to him. I don’t think he lacks interest in the subject, I think he lacks interest in putting the effort into reading. But he was never a reader, even when he was young. I was. I think those who grew up having a passion for reading carry that through to adulthood, and some who didn’t never quite get into it. Can I make him become a reader? I would love to share a book together and converse about it as we go. I am not worried about pace; rather, I’m hopeful he doesn’t view it as a chore. His interests are diverse, including aviation (he’s a recreational pilot), running (he ran track in college), travel, novel ideas, innovation, some historical figures, and more. I think it’d be easy to find something to read together since those interests are only a subset of mine.
What do you recommend, hivemind? We do exchange articles with each other we find online, but that’s about as lengthy as he’ll get. Should I start with a short book? Fiction, nonfiction? A collection of articles? A blog? Especially interested in hearing from those who used to “hate” to read, but now love it. All opinions are welcome, though!
I'm a voracious reader and a book editor, with a partner of eight years who also isn't much of a reader. I think you should respect that you and he have very different personal histories, preferences, and capacities when it comes to reading, and work on changing your assumption that Being A Reader is superior to Not Being A Reader. Yes, it's a thing that gives your life great meaning (it gives my life great meaning, too). But your question is filled with a sense of superiority and judgment ("One of the excuses he gives is that he’s too busy," "he lacks interest in putting the effort"), and that's going to put a wedge between the two of you a lot faster than not having one of your hobbies in common will.
posted by scody at 7:55 AM on August 7, 2013 [22 favorites]
posted by scody at 7:55 AM on August 7, 2013 [22 favorites]
Best answer: For a lot of avid readers, you and I included, reading is an incredibly simple activity. You just sit down and read. For non-readers, it is quite different, and it sounds like you actually understand that. So your question boils down to "how do I get someone to both do and enjoy something they don't want to do and don't really enjoy?"
Let me rephrase a bit and see if I can get across what I mean. I am stealing this metaphor from a different question on here that sounded a lot like yours; I'd link to it if I could track it down, but I can't:
"My boyfriend took some music lessons as a kid, but it never really stuck. He's just not fond of playing music; he'd rather watch TV or just relax. I gave him a guitar, but he strums it once in a while and maybe learns half a song, but he hasn't even touched it in months. He just doesn't want to make the effort to play guitar or learn songs. How do I get my boyfriend to play music so we can jam?"
For a person who doesn't enjoy reading, sitting down and reading something can be as difficult as picking up a complicated skill. Without any sort of reward or satisfaction attached to the concept, they're not going to bother, as you found out with that book he's halfway through.
posted by griphus at 7:57 AM on August 7, 2013 [8 favorites]
Let me rephrase a bit and see if I can get across what I mean. I am stealing this metaphor from a different question on here that sounded a lot like yours; I'd link to it if I could track it down, but I can't:
"My boyfriend took some music lessons as a kid, but it never really stuck. He's just not fond of playing music; he'd rather watch TV or just relax. I gave him a guitar, but he strums it once in a while and maybe learns half a song, but he hasn't even touched it in months. He just doesn't want to make the effort to play guitar or learn songs. How do I get my boyfriend to play music so we can jam?"
For a person who doesn't enjoy reading, sitting down and reading something can be as difficult as picking up a complicated skill. Without any sort of reward or satisfaction attached to the concept, they're not going to bother, as you found out with that book he's halfway through.
posted by griphus at 7:57 AM on August 7, 2013 [8 favorites]
Can I make him become a reader?
I'm doubtful. He knows how to read, he knows where the books are. If he's not doing it because he lacks interest in the activity then I don't see how you can make him interested.
Consider the risks of trying to change someone because you desire it, and the negative implications that has in relationships.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 7:57 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm doubtful. He knows how to read, he knows where the books are. If he's not doing it because he lacks interest in the activity then I don't see how you can make him interested.
Consider the risks of trying to change someone because you desire it, and the negative implications that has in relationships.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 7:57 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think you're looking for trouble. If you have a great connection then enjoy that - it's okay to have a hobby that your partner doesn't share and can even be healthy.
The language you use to describe how you've approached this idea so far doesn't sound very reassuring, to be honest. On preview, very much what scody is saying.
posted by pahalial at 7:59 AM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
The language you use to describe how you've approached this idea so far doesn't sound very reassuring, to be honest. On preview, very much what scody is saying.
posted by pahalial at 7:59 AM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
I dunno, it sounds like you're otherwise happy with your relationship, and in my mind he has some cool hobbies. I like when people are into different things than I am - it helps me learn more about them and exposes me to more things as well.
I really like to read but it's not so important to me if someone I'm dating does - if that's super important to you, you might need to date a different person who shares this passion.
posted by sweetkid at 8:03 AM on August 7, 2013
I really like to read but it's not so important to me if someone I'm dating does - if that's super important to you, you might need to date a different person who shares this passion.
posted by sweetkid at 8:03 AM on August 7, 2013
Popular pageturners sucker in some new readers: a colleague of mine who never read for pleasure was converted, if I remember correctly, after he was loaned a copy of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Another acquaintance was drawn in, years ago, by the works of Tom Clancy.
My late wife and I both read, but seldom read the same things: the overlap between our libraries was very small. We probably shared maybe a dozen books in as many years (out of the hundreds we each read). So, what I’m trying to get at, is, that even if your boyfriend becomes an avid reader, he may not become the same kind of avid reader as you, and even a common activity may not be an entirely shared one.
posted by misteraitch at 8:04 AM on August 7, 2013
My late wife and I both read, but seldom read the same things: the overlap between our libraries was very small. We probably shared maybe a dozen books in as many years (out of the hundreds we each read). So, what I’m trying to get at, is, that even if your boyfriend becomes an avid reader, he may not become the same kind of avid reader as you, and even a common activity may not be an entirely shared one.
posted by misteraitch at 8:04 AM on August 7, 2013
Don't do this. It is permissible for partners to have different hobbies. Reading is one of yours, it's not one of his, that is okay.
posted by ook at 8:05 AM on August 7, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by ook at 8:05 AM on August 7, 2013 [12 favorites]
On preview, I also nth Scody; be careful as to why you want this and how you approach this.
However, I do have 2 friends in a relationship and one person reads a ton, the other person never read as much due to competing time interests.
The first person wanted to share the stories with her husband. So they do audiobooks when they take their long distance trips. But they devoured books ranging from the Harry Potter series to Peter the Great this way.
For some of the books, they also read to one another at night.
I think that it is adorable and it really works for them,but I do not think that she approached it as "you need to read more." More along the lines of "I love this story,will you share it with me?"
posted by Wolfster at 8:06 AM on August 7, 2013 [7 favorites]
However, I do have 2 friends in a relationship and one person reads a ton, the other person never read as much due to competing time interests.
The first person wanted to share the stories with her husband. So they do audiobooks when they take their long distance trips. But they devoured books ranging from the Harry Potter series to Peter the Great this way.
For some of the books, they also read to one another at night.
I think that it is adorable and it really works for them,but I do not think that she approached it as "you need to read more." More along the lines of "I love this story,will you share it with me?"
posted by Wolfster at 8:06 AM on August 7, 2013 [7 favorites]
One thing you might try is reading out loud to each other. My wife and I have done that together on occasion (although we were both avid readers to start with, so the situation is a bit different from yours). Maybe you can find something short that you're both interested in, and make it an activity that you do together, rather than a homework-assignment type thing where you're monitoring his progess.
My wife and I read Salman Rushdie's Haroun and the Sea of Stories together, and then its sequel Luka and the Fire of Life (Haroun was better). And we also read The Yiddish Policemen's Union by Michael Chabon, which was awesome. But obviously, you should find something that you can both get into.
posted by number9dream at 8:07 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
My wife and I read Salman Rushdie's Haroun and the Sea of Stories together, and then its sequel Luka and the Fire of Life (Haroun was better). And we also read The Yiddish Policemen's Union by Michael Chabon, which was awesome. But obviously, you should find something that you can both get into.
posted by number9dream at 8:07 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't think you can make him become a reader if he's not interested in becoming a reader. Your best bet would be to let him know that reading is something you value and that you'd love to be able to be able to read the same books and talk about them together, and see what he thinks. Be prepared for the possibility that he might be willing to put in an initial effort to make you happy but unless the drive comes from within himself, his interest in it will wane.
One of the excuses he gives is that he’s too busy, and if he gets a break, he’d rather sleep.
Pardon me if I'm reading* too much into this, but the word "excuses" seems sort of telling, here. One gives excuses in the face of expectation - otherwise, they're just reasons. We have excuses for being late. We have excuses for incomplete work. One shouldn't have excuses for not participating in a hobby. It sounds like he's giving excuses because there's an expectation there, because he feels like you want him to read, and because "I don't really want to" isn't a good enough reason.
Think of it this way: You say he claims he's too busy, but then list all the ways that you are equally busy but find time to read. You're thinking of that as a question ("So since he's not really too busy, why doesn't he read?") when in fact it is an answer (he's not really too busy, and he still isn't reading).
Your boyfriend doesn't really enjoy reading books, it sounds like, and he isn't able to come out and say that. Maybe he feels pressured by your expectations - I don't know, and I have no way of knowing from just one question. Maybe he feels badly and doesn't want to admit to being someone who doesn't enjoy reading books (who would?).
Bear in mind that there's a difference between disliking reading books, which is not the sense I get here, and just not particularly enjoying it, which is what this sounds like.
So, again, I think your best shot at this is to communicate to him that this is a value of yours and you'd love to be able to share books and talk about the books you've read. At the same time, be prepared to allow him the polite fiction of opting out by way of anything other than an enthusiastic yes (in other words, "I'll try" is a no, and so on).
*rimshot
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:09 AM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
One of the excuses he gives is that he’s too busy, and if he gets a break, he’d rather sleep.
Pardon me if I'm reading* too much into this, but the word "excuses" seems sort of telling, here. One gives excuses in the face of expectation - otherwise, they're just reasons. We have excuses for being late. We have excuses for incomplete work. One shouldn't have excuses for not participating in a hobby. It sounds like he's giving excuses because there's an expectation there, because he feels like you want him to read, and because "I don't really want to" isn't a good enough reason.
Think of it this way: You say he claims he's too busy, but then list all the ways that you are equally busy but find time to read. You're thinking of that as a question ("So since he's not really too busy, why doesn't he read?") when in fact it is an answer (he's not really too busy, and he still isn't reading).
Your boyfriend doesn't really enjoy reading books, it sounds like, and he isn't able to come out and say that. Maybe he feels pressured by your expectations - I don't know, and I have no way of knowing from just one question. Maybe he feels badly and doesn't want to admit to being someone who doesn't enjoy reading books (who would?).
Bear in mind that there's a difference between disliking reading books, which is not the sense I get here, and just not particularly enjoying it, which is what this sounds like.
So, again, I think your best shot at this is to communicate to him that this is a value of yours and you'd love to be able to share books and talk about the books you've read. At the same time, be prepared to allow him the polite fiction of opting out by way of anything other than an enthusiastic yes (in other words, "I'll try" is a no, and so on).
*rimshot
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:09 AM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'm a yay reading person, and like just cuddling up with an SO and reading together. Er...near each other, I guess. But this is a bad idea. Let him do his own thing.
To flip this around, let's pretend that he's asking the question:
People need to have their own hobbies, and they need for their hobbies to not feel like unreasonable demands on their time or abilities. It's not fair to expect him to spend his leisure time doing something he doesn't want to do.
posted by phunniemee at 8:11 AM on August 7, 2013 [6 favorites]
To flip this around, let's pretend that he's asking the question:
"I like running. I enjoy it a lot as a leisure activity. It clears my head. But my girlfriend really doesn't enjoy it. She'd prefer to sit at home on the couch like a bump on a log and just read. I grew up as a pretty active kid, always running around outside, and I don't think she had the same experience. It seems like she sees running as more of a chore than a fun way to pass the time. I'd like for her to enjoy running; it would make her more fit, I think she'd like it if she gave it the chance, and it's something we could do together."If I were the "she" in this scenario, I'd be all, "oh fuck no, you go run, I have a book to read."
People need to have their own hobbies, and they need for their hobbies to not feel like unreasonable demands on their time or abilities. It's not fair to expect him to spend his leisure time doing something he doesn't want to do.
posted by phunniemee at 8:11 AM on August 7, 2013 [6 favorites]
My former partner used to joke that she could read, but just preferred not to for pleasure. Mind you, there was a lot of reading for work -- she was in a demanding professional field. Reading for a big exam took many months...and it was not fun. Reading stuff at work all day ...also not viewed as fun. Watching a move -- fun!
Some people just don't read for pleasure. This is a perfectly okay way to be and it should be okay with you if he's not a reader. It's not something you can convince an adult to suddenly enjoy anyway. Nor should you try in my opinion.
posted by Lescha at 8:11 AM on August 7, 2013
Some people just don't read for pleasure. This is a perfectly okay way to be and it should be okay with you if he's not a reader. It's not something you can convince an adult to suddenly enjoy anyway. Nor should you try in my opinion.
posted by Lescha at 8:11 AM on August 7, 2013
Is it that you want to read together or that you want the intellectual bond? They don't have to be the same thing.
I'm a reader with a mostly-non-reader and I get you. I would love to snuggle up and read together and it just isn't going to happen. For me, the solution to that is to chat with friends about books, and to toy with the notion that maybe I'll join an actual book club someday.
But that's not to say I don't have intellectual discussion with my partner. It's just not typically about books. It might be about some idea in a book that I'm reading, that sparks a more general conversation with my partner not based on the book. Or maybe about something happening in the news, or something that happened at work that brought up an interesting ethical question, or the latest horrifying-to-us political rant his mother emailed or whatever. He is smart as hell and always has something interesting and thought-provoking to say - it's just never going to be based on a book.
There may be a different way to get at what you're needing, if it's the intellectual bond rather than the actual book-reading experience.
posted by Stacey at 8:23 AM on August 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm a reader with a mostly-non-reader and I get you. I would love to snuggle up and read together and it just isn't going to happen. For me, the solution to that is to chat with friends about books, and to toy with the notion that maybe I'll join an actual book club someday.
But that's not to say I don't have intellectual discussion with my partner. It's just not typically about books. It might be about some idea in a book that I'm reading, that sparks a more general conversation with my partner not based on the book. Or maybe about something happening in the news, or something that happened at work that brought up an interesting ethical question, or the latest horrifying-to-us political rant his mother emailed or whatever. He is smart as hell and always has something interesting and thought-provoking to say - it's just never going to be based on a book.
There may be a different way to get at what you're needing, if it's the intellectual bond rather than the actual book-reading experience.
posted by Stacey at 8:23 AM on August 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
goblue_est1817: "Can I make him become a reader? I would love to share a book together and converse about it as we go."
As others have said, the answer to Can I make him become a reader is "Probably not, and it's likely a bad idea to try."
Let me take it a step further and point out that even if your boyfriend were to become a reader, you might well find yourself no closer to being able to share a book together and converse about it than you are now.
My husband reads, a lot, as do I. Books, magazines, online, you name it. And one of the things that I've had to come to peace with over the years is that somehow, my recommending something to him to read automagically puts it onto his mental pile of "things to never get around to". It used to make me NUTS. Still does, to be honest; it's an ongoing practice opportunity for me.
At least with your current situation, you're only dealing with "my boyfriend doesn't choose to read". You could be dealing with "my boyfriend loves to read but doesn't want to read anything I suggest to him", which IME feels quite a bit more personal.
posted by Lexica at 8:24 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
As others have said, the answer to Can I make him become a reader is "Probably not, and it's likely a bad idea to try."
Let me take it a step further and point out that even if your boyfriend were to become a reader, you might well find yourself no closer to being able to share a book together and converse about it than you are now.
My husband reads, a lot, as do I. Books, magazines, online, you name it. And one of the things that I've had to come to peace with over the years is that somehow, my recommending something to him to read automagically puts it onto his mental pile of "things to never get around to". It used to make me NUTS. Still does, to be honest; it's an ongoing practice opportunity for me.
At least with your current situation, you're only dealing with "my boyfriend doesn't choose to read". You could be dealing with "my boyfriend loves to read but doesn't want to read anything I suggest to him", which IME feels quite a bit more personal.
posted by Lexica at 8:24 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
Proud to say I turned my dear hubby into a reader. The key was just letting him wander in book stores and libraries until he found something he liked. He likes political intrigue stuff from the 60s and 70s - politician bios and Watergate-era stuff (Woodward and Bernstein inspired him to get into journalism), so he's read a lot of that stuff. He loves history of rock tomes and musician bios.
Some people don't realize that libraries have more than The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire on the shelves. Libraries were the Internet before the Internet, and still are. You can find every subject under the sun in them, from crafts to cooking to home renovation to antique collecting, etc.
I've been a bookworm since childhood, but it would be really exciting to experience an adult conversion to books. It's probably a slightly different thing, maybe even more intense than a gradual awakening. You're doing a good thing. I'm envious of all the fun your reader-to be guy has in store!
posted by cartoonella at 8:27 AM on August 7, 2013
Some people don't realize that libraries have more than The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire on the shelves. Libraries were the Internet before the Internet, and still are. You can find every subject under the sun in them, from crafts to cooking to home renovation to antique collecting, etc.
I've been a bookworm since childhood, but it would be really exciting to experience an adult conversion to books. It's probably a slightly different thing, maybe even more intense than a gradual awakening. You're doing a good thing. I'm envious of all the fun your reader-to be guy has in store!
posted by cartoonella at 8:27 AM on August 7, 2013
What does your boyfriend want? I recommend that you ask him and see what he says. Trying to make him engage in a hobby that he doesn't seem to want to engage in is kind of controlling, I think. He's an adult, and therefore capable of making his own choices. He seems to have made this one. Love him for who he is, not who you think he ought to be.
posted by Solomon at 8:28 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Solomon at 8:28 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
Look,I love to read and I work long hrs, in a job that requires a fair amount of technical reading. And how that works for me is that I refuse to read intellectually challenging stuff for leisure because a lot of the time I'm too tired to concentrate that much and ENJOY it. I am also reluctant to start reading much new to me stuff during the week because I won't put it down and then I'd sleep even less which would not be good because I don't sleep enough to start out with.
Which brings us to sleep - I don't have a car and all my travel to/from clients involves a train or plane journey and try as I might I can't read for leisure on these trips. I either work or sleep. Whenever I take the kindle it gets turned on, I try to read a page, struggle to keep my eyes open, turn it off again and go to sleep.
So please accept your boyfriend's reasons for not reading - unlike him I like to read and under the circumstances even I don't read.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:36 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
Which brings us to sleep - I don't have a car and all my travel to/from clients involves a train or plane journey and try as I might I can't read for leisure on these trips. I either work or sleep. Whenever I take the kindle it gets turned on, I try to read a page, struggle to keep my eyes open, turn it off again and go to sleep.
So please accept your boyfriend's reasons for not reading - unlike him I like to read and under the circumstances even I don't read.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:36 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: man, i get it. i love reading more than anything in this world. it was slightly disappointing when i started dating my boyfriend and found out that YET AGAIN i managed to latch on to someone who doesn't like to read books for leisure.
but he reads news articles and things like that voraciously, and is very current with news and political events, moreso than i am, and most of my entire job consists of reading articles in a newspaper.
at some point, if we're both in bed together and i'm reading a book and he's reading his iphone, then what's the difference. at least we're together.
posted by kerning at 8:41 AM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
but he reads news articles and things like that voraciously, and is very current with news and political events, moreso than i am, and most of my entire job consists of reading articles in a newspaper.
at some point, if we're both in bed together and i'm reading a book and he's reading his iphone, then what's the difference. at least we're together.
posted by kerning at 8:41 AM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
Partly because I think he'd enjoy it,
I'm curious to know why you think this. I didn't get that impression, myself.
posted by sm1tten at 8:51 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm curious to know why you think this. I didn't get that impression, myself.
posted by sm1tten at 8:51 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
My immediate response to your question was "This is not going to end well for her.". I get it, I am a big reader and I had a partner who just wasn't. I really believed that if he just TRIED surely he too would enjoy it as much as I did. It just doesn't work that way. Reading, like any other hobby, isn't for everyone. To be honest, it is normal and acceptable to not share all your hobbies with your partner.
Rather than trying to make him like your hobby, can you try to find a NEW hobby that you are both equally interested in to share? or maybe you can make more effort to like HIS hobbies and share that?
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 8:57 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
Rather than trying to make him like your hobby, can you try to find a NEW hobby that you are both equally interested in to share? or maybe you can make more effort to like HIS hobbies and share that?
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 8:57 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
So, I have been a big reader in the past---go to the library and check out 10 books and read them in two days type---and I'm not hardly reading books at all these days. And what I am reading is the same two crappy series (David Eddings and Terry Pratchett. Don't judge me.), because I don't have the mental energy to read a book where bad/unknown things might happen. I'm just too tired. (Ok, and a lot of my discretionary time is spent reading---not even commenting!---MetaFilter.)
It sounds like you both have very demanding jobs with lots of travel. Don't push this, and don't view it as a personal failing that your boyfriend doesn't read as much as you think he should or what you think he should.
posted by leahwrenn at 9:01 AM on August 7, 2013
It sounds like you both have very demanding jobs with lots of travel. Don't push this, and don't view it as a personal failing that your boyfriend doesn't read as much as you think he should or what you think he should.
posted by leahwrenn at 9:01 AM on August 7, 2013
His reason for not reading is that he needs sleep. It doesn't even seem to be an excuse, as you put it, because he actually is sleeping instead. Different people have different sleep needs, and it sounds like you need less than he does. I think his latent reader might emerge if he has more leisure time, so perhaps when he retires or switches to a less-time-consuming job, your wish will come true. In the meantime, I'd stop trying to get him to sleep less (which is effectively what you're doing). Exhausted people are in many ways unsafe people.
posted by vegartanipla at 9:11 AM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by vegartanipla at 9:11 AM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'm the non-reader in the relationship and I'm pretty happy my partner doesn't seem to think anything of the fact I don't read like he does.
Every so often I'll start a book I can't put down, but it's rare. Maybe once a year? I've found that I much prefer magazine or long form essays, but a huge part of it is that I just don't like reading fiction. I'm a librarian so there's a lot of "what? you don't read?" from friends and colleagues and it makes me less apt to pick up a book.
You gave him a book, I think that's the most you can do from here. If you find stuff he might like, recommend it. The discussion can help, but if he's anything like me (and a lot of people) nagging will make reading seem more like a chore.
Also, I have to read a lot for work. I spend all day looking at documents. When I'm not working it's pretty nice not to be looking at words, which is sort of why I have my hobbies.
One reason my partner and I probably get on so well is that we don't really have the same hobbies and we're OK with it. He reads sci-fi page turners or how to build everything, and I go off to band practice or soccer games. More room for conversation. Sounds like you don't have a problem with that, so don't go looking for trouble.
posted by kendrak at 9:12 AM on August 7, 2013
Every so often I'll start a book I can't put down, but it's rare. Maybe once a year? I've found that I much prefer magazine or long form essays, but a huge part of it is that I just don't like reading fiction. I'm a librarian so there's a lot of "what? you don't read?" from friends and colleagues and it makes me less apt to pick up a book.
You gave him a book, I think that's the most you can do from here. If you find stuff he might like, recommend it. The discussion can help, but if he's anything like me (and a lot of people) nagging will make reading seem more like a chore.
Also, I have to read a lot for work. I spend all day looking at documents. When I'm not working it's pretty nice not to be looking at words, which is sort of why I have my hobbies.
One reason my partner and I probably get on so well is that we don't really have the same hobbies and we're OK with it. He reads sci-fi page turners or how to build everything, and I go off to band practice or soccer games. More room for conversation. Sounds like you don't have a problem with that, so don't go looking for trouble.
posted by kendrak at 9:12 AM on August 7, 2013
Reading seems to be one of those things that you just either love or don't. Many very intelligent people are non-readers, and I don't believe that is changeable. They just do not want to be readers.
And then there's a second question, of whether or not you have the time to read. Needing sleep is a great reason to not read. For my part, if I need the sleep, I fall asleep on/in my book. Not because I don't want to read, but because I need the sleep.
My partner is a reader, but does not have the time to read right now. So if I want to share a book I'm reading, I talk about it. We often have conversations about what I'm reading, even though we haven't both read the books. Talking about the books you've read might be satisfying for you without imposing on him to take up a habit/hobby he isn't interested in.
posted by snorkmaiden at 9:14 AM on August 7, 2013
And then there's a second question, of whether or not you have the time to read. Needing sleep is a great reason to not read. For my part, if I need the sleep, I fall asleep on/in my book. Not because I don't want to read, but because I need the sleep.
My partner is a reader, but does not have the time to read right now. So if I want to share a book I'm reading, I talk about it. We often have conversations about what I'm reading, even though we haven't both read the books. Talking about the books you've read might be satisfying for you without imposing on him to take up a habit/hobby he isn't interested in.
posted by snorkmaiden at 9:14 AM on August 7, 2013
Best answer: Nting all of the "don't make him read; drop this idea" advice and want to add that I completely get your heart is in a good and positive place. Think about a brand-spanking-new activity that can be something that you two do together. Painting, kayaking, running, training for an athletic event, beer-making, a cooking class, the ideas are there...how about creating a new "thing" for you as a couple?
posted by kinetic at 9:19 AM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by kinetic at 9:19 AM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
I agree that not everyone will enjoy reading, like the music and running analogies illustrate, but my partner does claim to have never really read until college, and is now unable to walk past a bookstore without losing a few hours. Some things to consider:
- how are his eyes? Good vision or good reading glasses can make a difference.
- how does he feel about books-as-objects? signed books, antiquarian books, art books, graphic novels, or even just cool book art can interest some people and allow for shared perusing of bookstores...
- have you tried humor books or light topics like sports or travel? if well written or by someone you like (celebrity memoir type stuff), these kinds of books can be widely enjoyed.
- centrally: what are his interests? The main reason books are enjoyable is what they're about. He has to be curious about the topic for the book to intrigue him. (Plenty of people identify as voracious readers who don't share a single book in their libraries, so being a reader doesn't necessarily mean you like "books", just your subset of books. My partner still never reads fiction). If you have a conversation where he says, "i wonder..." or "I heard that..", that's a chance to see if there's a book on the topic that will answer the question better than wikipedia.
posted by mdn at 9:39 AM on August 7, 2013
- how are his eyes? Good vision or good reading glasses can make a difference.
- how does he feel about books-as-objects? signed books, antiquarian books, art books, graphic novels, or even just cool book art can interest some people and allow for shared perusing of bookstores...
- have you tried humor books or light topics like sports or travel? if well written or by someone you like (celebrity memoir type stuff), these kinds of books can be widely enjoyed.
- centrally: what are his interests? The main reason books are enjoyable is what they're about. He has to be curious about the topic for the book to intrigue him. (Plenty of people identify as voracious readers who don't share a single book in their libraries, so being a reader doesn't necessarily mean you like "books", just your subset of books. My partner still never reads fiction). If you have a conversation where he says, "i wonder..." or "I heard that..", that's a chance to see if there's a book on the topic that will answer the question better than wikipedia.
posted by mdn at 9:39 AM on August 7, 2013
I'm more ambivalent than most here about the whole "don't try to change them" diktat. I think if you are genuinely non-judgemental about it and not pushy then encouragement isn't a bad thing. As your boyfriend is a guy who is older than you (and apparently one who has had plenty of experience with high-pressure job situations), I doubt he is going to find a bit of encouragement overly judgey or too much pressure.
But reading is a thing that takes a certain amount of energy that doesn't fit into everybody's life very well. I used to read a lot as a kid but I do much less of it now. This is partially because I try to read mostly non-fiction and it's less engaging, partially because I have the internet--and friends. I still enjoy fiction but I don't read it in a way that would qualify me as a "reader" in most people's eyes.
You could try getting him an ereader--they do make reading more convenient.
Though I would ask yourself, what it is about reading that you value and can you find that with your partner in other places? E.g. going to plays or movies, maybe taking an online course together, etc...
posted by ropeladder at 9:50 AM on August 7, 2013
But reading is a thing that takes a certain amount of energy that doesn't fit into everybody's life very well. I used to read a lot as a kid but I do much less of it now. This is partially because I try to read mostly non-fiction and it's less engaging, partially because I have the internet--and friends. I still enjoy fiction but I don't read it in a way that would qualify me as a "reader" in most people's eyes.
You could try getting him an ereader--they do make reading more convenient.
Though I would ask yourself, what it is about reading that you value and can you find that with your partner in other places? E.g. going to plays or movies, maybe taking an online course together, etc...
posted by ropeladder at 9:50 AM on August 7, 2013
Two things occur to me from different angles:
If you do any roadtrips together, throw on an audiobook, something you know will have a good story and pace and might catch him up in the plot. Ideally it would be a new book by an author you like but haven't read yet, so you too will want to know how it works out. See if he gets caught up with that format at all. Maybe he was bored by books he had to read at school and thinks they're all like that, so try to pique him with something more fun.
On the other hand, griphus points out above that for some of us reading is like breathing or eating. We just do it, we feel weird if we don't. Do you know a second language? I do. I read news and functional stuff in that language every day, but reading whole novels in it feels like work, it's just that extra bit of effort I need to make which means I don't do it for pleasure, I wouldn't look forward to getting home from work and getting back to a book in my second language. It could feel like that for him in his first language, and you probably can't fix it if that's how it is for him.
posted by zadcat at 9:54 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you do any roadtrips together, throw on an audiobook, something you know will have a good story and pace and might catch him up in the plot. Ideally it would be a new book by an author you like but haven't read yet, so you too will want to know how it works out. See if he gets caught up with that format at all. Maybe he was bored by books he had to read at school and thinks they're all like that, so try to pique him with something more fun.
On the other hand, griphus points out above that for some of us reading is like breathing or eating. We just do it, we feel weird if we don't. Do you know a second language? I do. I read news and functional stuff in that language every day, but reading whole novels in it feels like work, it's just that extra bit of effort I need to make which means I don't do it for pleasure, I wouldn't look forward to getting home from work and getting back to a book in my second language. It could feel like that for him in his first language, and you probably can't fix it if that's how it is for him.
posted by zadcat at 9:54 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
Even if you could, I don't think you should convert a non-reader. Here's what you could do instead:
You certainly could explain to him what you, for yourself, find so great about reading. That will help him understand what you are up to, and partnership bonus points will ensue.
You also could ask him what things in his daily routine make him happy, and let him tell you why that is. That will help you understand what makes him happy, and your interest will make him feel appreciated. Partnership bonus points will ensue.
Because, really, choosing an activity for fun is mostly about the fun, and not about the goodness of the activity.
posted by Namlit at 9:56 AM on August 7, 2013
You certainly could explain to him what you, for yourself, find so great about reading. That will help him understand what you are up to, and partnership bonus points will ensue.
You also could ask him what things in his daily routine make him happy, and let him tell you why that is. That will help you understand what makes him happy, and your interest will make him feel appreciated. Partnership bonus points will ensue.
Because, really, choosing an activity for fun is mostly about the fun, and not about the goodness of the activity.
posted by Namlit at 9:56 AM on August 7, 2013
I find one common trait for people who read a lot, is they read extremely fast and process it easily. It doesn't take much effort. For people who spend little time reading, it takes them a lot longer to read - and thus the 'interest' generated by the item in question is spread over a longer amount of time... and is thus lower. Coming back to a book a week later, you may well have forgotten everything from a week ago, too. These people can also have a smaller vocabulary of words they understand, etc. Consider this in understanding why.
A slightly different take: how does your boyfriend tend to get information about what interests him? Does he talk to other people? Does he listen to radios/podcasts/TV? For example, if he enjoys listening to things, you could get him a recording of the book you'd like him to 'read'.
You note that you exchange articles that he reads. Perhaps he prefers a different (shorter/bytesized) form of information to you. The style of writing in articles is generally different from books, which again he might prefer. You don't specify whether the books you're suggesting are similar to the articles, or, say, fiction.
He may just not like fiction novels! I read a lot, and I love reading, but there is a very large subset of fiction novels I cannot read - regardless of how many recommendations I get to do so.
If you really want to read something that counts as a 'book' together, I'd suggest a book that is nonfiction, ideally with chapters that are relatively standalone. One example of this guideline is 'Freakonomics' - no guarantees on it actually matching your/his interests.
posted by Ashlyth at 10:11 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
A slightly different take: how does your boyfriend tend to get information about what interests him? Does he talk to other people? Does he listen to radios/podcasts/TV? For example, if he enjoys listening to things, you could get him a recording of the book you'd like him to 'read'.
You note that you exchange articles that he reads. Perhaps he prefers a different (shorter/bytesized) form of information to you. The style of writing in articles is generally different from books, which again he might prefer. You don't specify whether the books you're suggesting are similar to the articles, or, say, fiction.
He may just not like fiction novels! I read a lot, and I love reading, but there is a very large subset of fiction novels I cannot read - regardless of how many recommendations I get to do so.
If you really want to read something that counts as a 'book' together, I'd suggest a book that is nonfiction, ideally with chapters that are relatively standalone. One example of this guideline is 'Freakonomics' - no guarantees on it actually matching your/his interests.
posted by Ashlyth at 10:11 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
When I was a kid, I loved to read. In my younger adult years, I read regularly. But now I don't enjoy reading, and it irritates me a lot when reader-friends bug me to go back to it. They think they're encouraging me to do something I'll enjoy, but I feel like they're ignoring my clear statements that I don't like it, and somehow think they know better than I do about what I ought to be doing for fun.
BUT if my husband told me he'd love to be able to talk about books with me, I wouldn't have any problems with audio books in the car, or in the house while I'm doing mindless tasks. And I do like seeing good movies and watching an excellent TV series. I love seeing plays; those seem to spark plenty of discussion for us.
posted by wryly at 10:27 AM on August 7, 2013
BUT if my husband told me he'd love to be able to talk about books with me, I wouldn't have any problems with audio books in the car, or in the house while I'm doing mindless tasks. And I do like seeing good movies and watching an excellent TV series. I love seeing plays; those seem to spark plenty of discussion for us.
posted by wryly at 10:27 AM on August 7, 2013
People often assume that a person who reads for pleasure (especially the "right" books) is intelligent and sophisticated, and someone who doesn't is lowbrow and shallow. Make sure your interest in getting him to read isn't about reassuring you (or, even worse, your friends) of his smartness.
If you can share witty banter and discuss articles you find online, you already have an intellectual bond. And even if you do get him to read, there's no guarantee he'll appreciate reading and books in the same way as you. I've stopped recommending my favorite book to my friends and family because a lot of them have been all "eh" about it. Doesn't change my relationship to them.
All that said, the best way to get someone to read is to leave a really interesting-looking book in the bathroom, within reach of the toilet.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:52 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you can share witty banter and discuss articles you find online, you already have an intellectual bond. And even if you do get him to read, there's no guarantee he'll appreciate reading and books in the same way as you. I've stopped recommending my favorite book to my friends and family because a lot of them have been all "eh" about it. Doesn't change my relationship to them.
All that said, the best way to get someone to read is to leave a really interesting-looking book in the bathroom, within reach of the toilet.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:52 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Can I make him become a reader?
Based only on what you've written here, I doubt it. For the record, I don't necessarily share the "Don't do this!" sentiment expressed by most in this thread. I'm not interested in talking you out of it. I don't necessarily think it's a bad or selfish idea. But based on what you've told us, I doubt you'll be able to do it.
Here's why: there's a fine line between a chore and a hobby. From the outside, they mostly look identical. The difference is mostly internal: passion. As you said, you're passionate about reading, and your relationship with reading is deliberate (I usually find time to read"). The way you describe your boyfriend's relationship with reading is pretty much the opposite: occasionally he intends to read, he begins, and then quickly loses interest.
Sure, you can instill passion in someone. But when that happens, usually one of two things is true. Either the person long harbored a desire to be a reader, to play guitar, to take photos, etc; or else the first introduction flips a sudden switch: "OMG, this opera is fabulous, where can I hear more?!" It doesn't sound like your boyfriend has desired to become a reader, and you've thrown some bits his way and no switch flipped. That's not a good sign.
Having said that. He's a decent guy and you share a good relationship, so it's possible that he's willing to do this for you in the same way you might agree to go bowling with him occasionally if that were something he really enjoyed. If I were you, I'd frame it that way. "This is something I'd really enjoy. Would you be willing to share it with me occasionally?" Be willing to meet him halfway: subject matter he enjoys (aviation, running, travel, etc), and short lengths.
Also, be prepared for him to point out that maybe he's already meeting you halfway on this. "We do exchange articles with each other we find online, but that’s about as lengthy as he’ll get." That's not nothing. Maybe it would be helpful to identify what you're looking for, that apparently isn't being satisfied by what you've already got.
posted by cribcage at 11:00 AM on August 7, 2013
Based only on what you've written here, I doubt it. For the record, I don't necessarily share the "Don't do this!" sentiment expressed by most in this thread. I'm not interested in talking you out of it. I don't necessarily think it's a bad or selfish idea. But based on what you've told us, I doubt you'll be able to do it.
Here's why: there's a fine line between a chore and a hobby. From the outside, they mostly look identical. The difference is mostly internal: passion. As you said, you're passionate about reading, and your relationship with reading is deliberate (I usually find time to read"). The way you describe your boyfriend's relationship with reading is pretty much the opposite: occasionally he intends to read, he begins, and then quickly loses interest.
Sure, you can instill passion in someone. But when that happens, usually one of two things is true. Either the person long harbored a desire to be a reader, to play guitar, to take photos, etc; or else the first introduction flips a sudden switch: "OMG, this opera is fabulous, where can I hear more?!" It doesn't sound like your boyfriend has desired to become a reader, and you've thrown some bits his way and no switch flipped. That's not a good sign.
Having said that. He's a decent guy and you share a good relationship, so it's possible that he's willing to do this for you in the same way you might agree to go bowling with him occasionally if that were something he really enjoyed. If I were you, I'd frame it that way. "This is something I'd really enjoy. Would you be willing to share it with me occasionally?" Be willing to meet him halfway: subject matter he enjoys (aviation, running, travel, etc), and short lengths.
Also, be prepared for him to point out that maybe he's already meeting you halfway on this. "We do exchange articles with each other we find online, but that’s about as lengthy as he’ll get." That's not nothing. Maybe it would be helpful to identify what you're looking for, that apparently isn't being satisfied by what you've already got.
posted by cribcage at 11:00 AM on August 7, 2013
Mr. B and I are both avid readers (10-15 books a week). However, we rarely read the same books, or even genres. We do have frequent conversations on subject matter that we share with each other out of our reading. I consume web articles (and mefi), while he only checks email and news; but I send him articles I know will interest him, and we discuss those as well. Our relationship has a definite intellectual aspect to it, but not because we read the same stuff, but because we discuss issues and ideas.
Also, he likes movies, he watches 1 or 2 movies a day (we are retired). I hate TV (fortunately so does he), and am not fond of watching movies, I do so maybe once a month. He wants to share his movies with me, to discuss them like we do reading material. The more he tries to get me to watch a movie, the more I (subconsciously) avoid them. Sometimes he gets sneaky, and will watch one without the headphones. I feel pressured and vow to NEVER let him manipulate me into watching, so we both miss out. Be careful you are not doing something similar with the pressure for your SO to read.
posted by batikrose at 11:05 AM on August 7, 2013
Also, he likes movies, he watches 1 or 2 movies a day (we are retired). I hate TV (fortunately so does he), and am not fond of watching movies, I do so maybe once a month. He wants to share his movies with me, to discuss them like we do reading material. The more he tries to get me to watch a movie, the more I (subconsciously) avoid them. Sometimes he gets sneaky, and will watch one without the headphones. I feel pressured and vow to NEVER let him manipulate me into watching, so we both miss out. Be careful you are not doing something similar with the pressure for your SO to read.
posted by batikrose at 11:05 AM on August 7, 2013
My husband is decidedly not a reader, and I am a reader. For years, I kept buying books that I thought he would find interesting only to be sad that he *still* didn't read them. He was probably also sad that I kept getting "gifts" for him that he didn't really care for.
He did briefly enjoy having me read to him, but it turns out I don't particularly like the pace of reading a book out loud to an adult, so that didn't work out that well. I also don't enjoy audiobooks, and I'm glad no one is trying to "make me" like them.
He seems to enjoy reading now, to our kids ... picture books. I am interested to see if that develops into reading more as our kids get older, but I have learned not to try to push it.
All this is to say, I don't really know if you can change him. I haven't changed my husband, but maybe my kids have, sort of.
posted by freezer cake at 11:07 AM on August 7, 2013
He did briefly enjoy having me read to him, but it turns out I don't particularly like the pace of reading a book out loud to an adult, so that didn't work out that well. I also don't enjoy audiobooks, and I'm glad no one is trying to "make me" like them.
He seems to enjoy reading now, to our kids ... picture books. I am interested to see if that develops into reading more as our kids get older, but I have learned not to try to push it.
All this is to say, I don't really know if you can change him. I haven't changed my husband, but maybe my kids have, sort of.
posted by freezer cake at 11:07 AM on August 7, 2013
Chiming back in to suggest that this previous thread about relationships in which there's not a close intellectual bond might be useful to read, too.
posted by scody at 11:33 AM on August 7, 2013
posted by scody at 11:33 AM on August 7, 2013
Your boyfriend sounds like he really needs that sleep.
posted by grouse at 12:13 PM on August 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by grouse at 12:13 PM on August 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
I tried to do this for five years. It didn't work, and was a waste of my time and energy. We broke up and now I date someone who reads.
I realized the thing that bothered me most about my past relationship with a guy who didn't read wasn't that he didn't read any books, but that he seemed like he wasn't interested in much, or really passionate about anything. I would tell him about an awesome book I read about something interesting, and his eyes would glaze over. It isn't so much that my current boyfriend reads, but that he's got hobbies and interests and shares my nerdiness and curiosity about things.
It sounds like your boyfriend is a pretty interesting dude, who has a lot of interests, but just prefers to consume information differently than you. You like reading, he doesn't. Can you still have an intellectual conversation about Teddy Roosevelt (or whatever) if you read the book and he watched a documentary?
posted by inertia at 12:31 PM on August 7, 2013
I realized the thing that bothered me most about my past relationship with a guy who didn't read wasn't that he didn't read any books, but that he seemed like he wasn't interested in much, or really passionate about anything. I would tell him about an awesome book I read about something interesting, and his eyes would glaze over. It isn't so much that my current boyfriend reads, but that he's got hobbies and interests and shares my nerdiness and curiosity about things.
It sounds like your boyfriend is a pretty interesting dude, who has a lot of interests, but just prefers to consume information differently than you. You like reading, he doesn't. Can you still have an intellectual conversation about Teddy Roosevelt (or whatever) if you read the book and he watched a documentary?
posted by inertia at 12:31 PM on August 7, 2013
Best answer: Reader here.
Question: is he intellectual? Is that important to you?
My father is very intellectual - reads a great deal of articles and small essays - but he reads actual biographies or full-length books very seldom. He enjoys watching intellectual documentaries a great deal. He's quite intellectual, and remembers a great deal of facts, so he doesn't "come across" as a non-reader in conversation.
A dear friend of mine married a man who seems much like your SO - he's intelligent, an engineer, interested in how things work, planes, engines of all sorts, but he does not read at all apart from technical manuals and such. Very handy man, and they share the core values that are important to them. She is one of the biggest readers I know - and I know a lot of readers - but she shares that with her friends.
I dated a man who wasn't much of a reader, though he was somewhat intellectual, and I tried to convert him, my second try at converting a potential mate to reading, by suggesting novels, gifting books that were absolutely in his area of expertise, suggesting we read together (which was passed upon), and I'm not sure it can be done. I'll watch this thread to see if any later-in-life reading converts discuss their tale, but I'm not sure it's that common. Reading in childhood is so incredibly formative, that if you miss that I think most people are just not going to wake up and become readers as adults.
I'm now dating a reader. I love it with the fury of five thousand suns. It's like dating the library, but his selection is better and there are no late fines.
My only recommendation for you is to drop any judgments or assumptions you may have about Non-Readers. We Readers can be quite the snobby sort, and there are people out there making wonderful contributions to society who don't read. It's just such a deep passion of mine I think I will always prefer mates and friends who read, but if you have an intellectual SO, you could focus on that aspect of him, and leave your reading gossip to your friends.
posted by Unangenehm at 1:35 PM on August 7, 2013
Question: is he intellectual? Is that important to you?
My father is very intellectual - reads a great deal of articles and small essays - but he reads actual biographies or full-length books very seldom. He enjoys watching intellectual documentaries a great deal. He's quite intellectual, and remembers a great deal of facts, so he doesn't "come across" as a non-reader in conversation.
A dear friend of mine married a man who seems much like your SO - he's intelligent, an engineer, interested in how things work, planes, engines of all sorts, but he does not read at all apart from technical manuals and such. Very handy man, and they share the core values that are important to them. She is one of the biggest readers I know - and I know a lot of readers - but she shares that with her friends.
I dated a man who wasn't much of a reader, though he was somewhat intellectual, and I tried to convert him, my second try at converting a potential mate to reading, by suggesting novels, gifting books that were absolutely in his area of expertise, suggesting we read together (which was passed upon), and I'm not sure it can be done. I'll watch this thread to see if any later-in-life reading converts discuss their tale, but I'm not sure it's that common. Reading in childhood is so incredibly formative, that if you miss that I think most people are just not going to wake up and become readers as adults.
I'm now dating a reader. I love it with the fury of five thousand suns. It's like dating the library, but his selection is better and there are no late fines.
My only recommendation for you is to drop any judgments or assumptions you may have about Non-Readers. We Readers can be quite the snobby sort, and there are people out there making wonderful contributions to society who don't read. It's just such a deep passion of mine I think I will always prefer mates and friends who read, but if you have an intellectual SO, you could focus on that aspect of him, and leave your reading gossip to your friends.
posted by Unangenehm at 1:35 PM on August 7, 2013
Are you interested in making him a reader, or in increasing your intellectual bond?
Those aren't the same thing. Reading, or discussing things you've read, is only one way to be intellectual. Intellectual bond can be built by discussing many different topics-- it's in how you discuss the topic more than what the topic is; same with medium. You can be intellectual about sports or work or.. well, read the blue enough and you'll see people being intellectual about every possible topic and medium. You can consume media in film form or radio form or on the internet; books are just one way of learning about the world around you and just one way of engaging with it in an intellectual fashion.
So my major advice would be to figure out other ways to engage intellectually, hopefully ones that you already both enjoy.
Also do take heed of the "too busy" comments. Me, I love to read; I just don't really get to much right now. I've got so many other things to do, and I love reading so much that once I start a novel I enjoy, nothing will stop me-- not sleep, not work, not even eating or showering or ... yeah. So I mostly don't start them now. What I do instead is read shorter things- I've become very fond of short stories in the last few years, because I can get through one without disrupting the rest of my life. Old Askme questions have piles of suggestions for stories on many different topics if you're interested in this approach.
And lastly-- my boyfriend is a much bigger movie watcher than I am. I have a hard time watching tv shows or movies, because they take so much time and I am easily distracted and they can be so emotionally affecting and.. eh. I realize however that many movies and shows are important to him.. and that some of them are worth consuming. So I won't ever watch as many things as he does, and I won't ever have a huge DVD collection he can borrow from; but I will make time for a small number of movies or maybe 1 or 2 tv shows a year to watch (things that I can be intellectual about, as is my wont). And every so often I hear about something that I think he'd like, and I pass those recommendations on, even if I won't get around to them myself.
So perhaps changing your expectations here is a way to go; you might hope that he reads one or two things that are very important to you, you might find other ways to engage him intellectually, and you might concentrate on forms of reading that are quicker bites (short stories, sets of essays). Hopefully in turn he will appreciate your passion for reading, and engage with you about your reading even if he never fully shares the passion.
posted by nat at 3:27 PM on August 7, 2013
Those aren't the same thing. Reading, or discussing things you've read, is only one way to be intellectual. Intellectual bond can be built by discussing many different topics-- it's in how you discuss the topic more than what the topic is; same with medium. You can be intellectual about sports or work or.. well, read the blue enough and you'll see people being intellectual about every possible topic and medium. You can consume media in film form or radio form or on the internet; books are just one way of learning about the world around you and just one way of engaging with it in an intellectual fashion.
So my major advice would be to figure out other ways to engage intellectually, hopefully ones that you already both enjoy.
Also do take heed of the "too busy" comments. Me, I love to read; I just don't really get to much right now. I've got so many other things to do, and I love reading so much that once I start a novel I enjoy, nothing will stop me-- not sleep, not work, not even eating or showering or ... yeah. So I mostly don't start them now. What I do instead is read shorter things- I've become very fond of short stories in the last few years, because I can get through one without disrupting the rest of my life. Old Askme questions have piles of suggestions for stories on many different topics if you're interested in this approach.
And lastly-- my boyfriend is a much bigger movie watcher than I am. I have a hard time watching tv shows or movies, because they take so much time and I am easily distracted and they can be so emotionally affecting and.. eh. I realize however that many movies and shows are important to him.. and that some of them are worth consuming. So I won't ever watch as many things as he does, and I won't ever have a huge DVD collection he can borrow from; but I will make time for a small number of movies or maybe 1 or 2 tv shows a year to watch (things that I can be intellectual about, as is my wont). And every so often I hear about something that I think he'd like, and I pass those recommendations on, even if I won't get around to them myself.
So perhaps changing your expectations here is a way to go; you might hope that he reads one or two things that are very important to you, you might find other ways to engage him intellectually, and you might concentrate on forms of reading that are quicker bites (short stories, sets of essays). Hopefully in turn he will appreciate your passion for reading, and engage with you about your reading even if he never fully shares the passion.
posted by nat at 3:27 PM on August 7, 2013
My boyfriend has never been a big reader, but he does enjoy literature. He just doesn't like the actual act of sitting still and holding a book, so he started listening to audiobooks, and loves them. So maybe give audiobooks a try - there are lots of different books you can download, or check with your local library. I have always been a huge reader, and actually once I started listening to audiobooks, I do that waaaay more often - I can't recommend it enough, and boyfriend and I share books, so we are able to talk about them, compare notes, do the voices...
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 6:13 PM on August 7, 2013
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 6:13 PM on August 7, 2013
A quote from the end of The Valley of Bones, one of A Dance to the Music of Time by Anthony Powell: "I was impressed for the ten thousandth time by the fact that literature illuminates life only for those to whom books are a necessity. Books are unconvertible assets, to be passed on only to those who possess them already." One of the many pieces of wisdom in that wonderful series.
posted by wdenton at 8:21 PM on August 13, 2013
posted by wdenton at 8:21 PM on August 13, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:52 AM on August 7, 2013 [30 favorites]