Lost Everything
July 9, 2013 11:14 AM Subscribe
Well, this is somewhat of a negative post, but I thought it would be interesting to get some feedback from others.
About two years ago I had a great job, I was in graduate school and I was engaged to a terrific woman. We broke up a little over a year ago in May and I have had a really hard time moving forward since that time.
I believe that I am over her, but the life that I was trying to lead up until that point is completely gone. I am currently working two jobs and I am not very good at either one of them. I have been diagnosed with ADD in the past, and the medications that I take don't seem to be having any effect on me anymore.
One of the things that I have learned in the last year is that there are so many things that we take for granted on a daily basis that can disappear - just like that. My physical health seems to be getting worse. Mentally, my working memory and short term memory is just as problematic as it has always been. I can't do the things that most people seem able to do, and I don't believe this is just from a lack of trying.
People are quick to tell someone to get up and try again. "Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength." - Mahatma Gandhi.
My response to this is that maybe we are better off realizing at some point that we are not that bright and to accept working in a position where you are never going to blaze a trail or accomplish anything short of just getting a paycheck. I could have stayed in the restaurant business that I worked in during college and said this is going to be my job and arrange my life around that rather than keep on trying to do different things.
I regret all the time I have wasted in my life going to school and getting an education because while it may be viewed as something great, it hasn't led me to be any happier than the good majority of people. I would have been better off going to high school and being very involved in sports and being much more involved socially with others.
Having graduated from a psychology program, I can say that I know where a lot of my weaknesses have been. Executive functioning, short term memory, impulse control, delaying gratification. These are all signs of things that people with ADHD struggle with but they don't tell the entire story.
What really gets me right now is that I can take a religious view and say that there are no coincidences and that all of my poor decisions have led to where I am at. It angers me a little bit, since I wish that someone could have gotten through to me as a kid that while what I thought made sense in my own sort of private logic way that it didn't make sense overall.
I used to believe what people told me as being for the most part honest. Now, I realize that people don't always say what they mean nor do they tell you the truth necessarily. I was raised in a family that did not follow any particular religion and I think that in a lot of ways this has been my downfall. I was told by someone that once you lose your integrity you can never get it back. It's a lot like virginity, in that regard. I can see how that works now, but I wasn't able to see it in the past.
I am living with my parents at the age of 37 and I realize that for the most part my entire life has been wrong. There have been very few things that I have done correctly in my life. Yes, I muscled through college and graduate school, but information is not that important on the grand scheme of things in life. People have told me that, "everything you know is not everything there is." I like this statement because I have been living in the dark for the good majority of my life even though I was totally unaware of it.
I could write a book about stupid life decisions and how not to go about making them. Do you advise people to just listen to everyone around them and follow their advice blindly or do you advise people to go with what they know?
I also heard a joke once about some people looking around at different rooms in hell. They opened one door and people were sitting in their own feces. The group of people went to the next room and saw people sitting in some other vile existence. The group moved on to the next room and there were just a few people standing in a room with some excrement on the floor so they thought this doesn't look too bad. They decided on this room and entered. The devil comes in about half an hour later and says, "OK, everyone back on your heads."
My intention was not to tell a very bad joke about good or evil, but the fact that what can appear good may not necessarily be so either. Are cigarettes and alcohol inherently bad, or are they bad when used to excess?
My therapist warned me a long time ago that if you don't do what you are supposed to do in life that you are left with nothing. I heeded his warning and finished up my graduate degree, but that was only one small part of my life. My life is unraveling based on some really bad decisions that I have made from my past. Listening to people when I should have done what was in my heart. The crappy part is realizing that your parents don't have all the answers in the world either and that they might be giving you bad advice for where you are in your life.
The single two best years of my life were in 2009 and 2010. They were new chapters in my life and the future seemed hopeful. Now, I realize that most of my life has been a grand illusion. I have lived a wasted life and don't even know what to look forward to moving forward.
For people out there who say that there are rules that you have to live by, I would agree but there are also things that you don't want to do to yourself to self-sabotage. Being totally honest with others and showing too much of yourself is not necessarily the right way to go in life.
I have very little left in my life that I feel is worth anything. I realize that most people are kind enough to be cordial with me and to be nice to me despite knowing that I have some serious character flaws.
Seven years ago I began therapy and all sorts of different things started to come together. It has been an interesting journey in that regard. The really shitty part is that I am still ignorant to a lot of the goings on in the world but at least I can connect the dots and see all the poor choices that I have made and how they have led me to where I am now.
I was originally diagnosed with ADHD and PDD-NOS back in the early stages of therapy, but I find that the PDD-NOS label doesn't seem to fit as well nowadays even though this was certainly correct in the beginning of therapy.
I don't have anything left to say other than that I wish that I had lived my life very differently. I wish that I wouldn't have wasted so much time on personal accomplishment in school as life can teach you a lot about the world that you won't necessarily find in some stupid book.
Having friends, relationships, and people that are better than you around you seems to be some of the good advice that I wish I could have recognized earlier in my life. It's just very depressing to finally have some insight and understanding into my life only to realize that I have squandered everything.
I believe that I am over her, but the life that I was trying to lead up until that point is completely gone. I am currently working two jobs and I am not very good at either one of them. I have been diagnosed with ADD in the past, and the medications that I take don't seem to be having any effect on me anymore.
One of the things that I have learned in the last year is that there are so many things that we take for granted on a daily basis that can disappear - just like that. My physical health seems to be getting worse. Mentally, my working memory and short term memory is just as problematic as it has always been. I can't do the things that most people seem able to do, and I don't believe this is just from a lack of trying.
People are quick to tell someone to get up and try again. "Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength." - Mahatma Gandhi.
My response to this is that maybe we are better off realizing at some point that we are not that bright and to accept working in a position where you are never going to blaze a trail or accomplish anything short of just getting a paycheck. I could have stayed in the restaurant business that I worked in during college and said this is going to be my job and arrange my life around that rather than keep on trying to do different things.
I regret all the time I have wasted in my life going to school and getting an education because while it may be viewed as something great, it hasn't led me to be any happier than the good majority of people. I would have been better off going to high school and being very involved in sports and being much more involved socially with others.
Having graduated from a psychology program, I can say that I know where a lot of my weaknesses have been. Executive functioning, short term memory, impulse control, delaying gratification. These are all signs of things that people with ADHD struggle with but they don't tell the entire story.
What really gets me right now is that I can take a religious view and say that there are no coincidences and that all of my poor decisions have led to where I am at. It angers me a little bit, since I wish that someone could have gotten through to me as a kid that while what I thought made sense in my own sort of private logic way that it didn't make sense overall.
I used to believe what people told me as being for the most part honest. Now, I realize that people don't always say what they mean nor do they tell you the truth necessarily. I was raised in a family that did not follow any particular religion and I think that in a lot of ways this has been my downfall. I was told by someone that once you lose your integrity you can never get it back. It's a lot like virginity, in that regard. I can see how that works now, but I wasn't able to see it in the past.
I am living with my parents at the age of 37 and I realize that for the most part my entire life has been wrong. There have been very few things that I have done correctly in my life. Yes, I muscled through college and graduate school, but information is not that important on the grand scheme of things in life. People have told me that, "everything you know is not everything there is." I like this statement because I have been living in the dark for the good majority of my life even though I was totally unaware of it.
I could write a book about stupid life decisions and how not to go about making them. Do you advise people to just listen to everyone around them and follow their advice blindly or do you advise people to go with what they know?
I also heard a joke once about some people looking around at different rooms in hell. They opened one door and people were sitting in their own feces. The group of people went to the next room and saw people sitting in some other vile existence. The group moved on to the next room and there were just a few people standing in a room with some excrement on the floor so they thought this doesn't look too bad. They decided on this room and entered. The devil comes in about half an hour later and says, "OK, everyone back on your heads."
My intention was not to tell a very bad joke about good or evil, but the fact that what can appear good may not necessarily be so either. Are cigarettes and alcohol inherently bad, or are they bad when used to excess?
My therapist warned me a long time ago that if you don't do what you are supposed to do in life that you are left with nothing. I heeded his warning and finished up my graduate degree, but that was only one small part of my life. My life is unraveling based on some really bad decisions that I have made from my past. Listening to people when I should have done what was in my heart. The crappy part is realizing that your parents don't have all the answers in the world either and that they might be giving you bad advice for where you are in your life.
The single two best years of my life were in 2009 and 2010. They were new chapters in my life and the future seemed hopeful. Now, I realize that most of my life has been a grand illusion. I have lived a wasted life and don't even know what to look forward to moving forward.
For people out there who say that there are rules that you have to live by, I would agree but there are also things that you don't want to do to yourself to self-sabotage. Being totally honest with others and showing too much of yourself is not necessarily the right way to go in life.
I have very little left in my life that I feel is worth anything. I realize that most people are kind enough to be cordial with me and to be nice to me despite knowing that I have some serious character flaws.
Seven years ago I began therapy and all sorts of different things started to come together. It has been an interesting journey in that regard. The really shitty part is that I am still ignorant to a lot of the goings on in the world but at least I can connect the dots and see all the poor choices that I have made and how they have led me to where I am now.
I was originally diagnosed with ADHD and PDD-NOS back in the early stages of therapy, but I find that the PDD-NOS label doesn't seem to fit as well nowadays even though this was certainly correct in the beginning of therapy.
I don't have anything left to say other than that I wish that I had lived my life very differently. I wish that I wouldn't have wasted so much time on personal accomplishment in school as life can teach you a lot about the world that you won't necessarily find in some stupid book.
Having friends, relationships, and people that are better than you around you seems to be some of the good advice that I wish I could have recognized earlier in my life. It's just very depressing to finally have some insight and understanding into my life only to realize that I have squandered everything.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Hey, you need to ask this in a much shorter and direct way, there's no real question here that people can help with. Also, you've posted a handful of similar previous questions like this, so be clear in future questions what new problem you are needing help solving. -- mathowie
Response by poster: You don't get to restart your life at any point? You have opportunities and once you have squandered them, you don't get them back. Can any negative be re-worked in this life or is that just positive psychology bullshit? Can even the worst people on the planet come back and take a stab at finding happiness and rebuilding their character flaws and the people that they have wronged?
posted by nidora at 11:21 AM on July 9, 2013
posted by nidora at 11:21 AM on July 9, 2013
nidora.... take a breath.... accept my e-hug through the internet & beyond....
No one's life is perfect, everyone makes mistakes, there's no shit so dirty that you can't wash it off again.
You're feeling bad, and so you're painting it all bad. But it's not all bad. You've got to cut out this "all or nothing" thinking. It will kill you.
We're here for a good time, not a long time
So have a good time
The sun can't shine every day
Every single person has their stuff to work through, some is more internal, some is more external. There's no measuring stick but the one you beat yourself with. We're all in this boat together.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:22 AM on July 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
No one's life is perfect, everyone makes mistakes, there's no shit so dirty that you can't wash it off again.
You're feeling bad, and so you're painting it all bad. But it's not all bad. You've got to cut out this "all or nothing" thinking. It will kill you.
We're here for a good time, not a long time
So have a good time
The sun can't shine every day
Every single person has their stuff to work through, some is more internal, some is more external. There's no measuring stick but the one you beat yourself with. We're all in this boat together.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:22 AM on July 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
This kinda sounds like a midlife crisis. Good news- no matter how old you are, you can improve. I know a 78 year old lady who went through therapy and then did a lot of work helping others.
People have three aspects- physical, mental, and spiritual. If you lack food & shelter, you can't function at all. If you lack mental well being, you can't function terribly well. If you lack a spiritual component, be it religion or faith or love or sheer pursuit of happiness, you have no goal. This too is ok, for a while, but does not promote growth. Volunteer. Do something that makes you happy. Help others.
Also standard, but get good food and exercise. These help a ton on their own.
posted by Jacen at 11:24 AM on July 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
People have three aspects- physical, mental, and spiritual. If you lack food & shelter, you can't function at all. If you lack mental well being, you can't function terribly well. If you lack a spiritual component, be it religion or faith or love or sheer pursuit of happiness, you have no goal. This too is ok, for a while, but does not promote growth. Volunteer. Do something that makes you happy. Help others.
Also standard, but get good food and exercise. These help a ton on their own.
posted by Jacen at 11:24 AM on July 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I fear you're going to be disappointed in the answers you get because we really cannot help but say: pursue treatment for depression and hang in there.
Positive mind atoms to you, though.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:25 AM on July 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
Positive mind atoms to you, though.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:25 AM on July 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
Are you trying to just ask a question, answer it yourself, then tell us we were wrong?
Yes, things can get better, as I know from experience. I also know there is no substitute for breaking your problems down and solving them one by one, even if it seems like it's not working. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.
posted by tel3path at 11:25 AM on July 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yes, things can get better, as I know from experience. I also know there is no substitute for breaking your problems down and solving them one by one, even if it seems like it's not working. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.
posted by tel3path at 11:25 AM on July 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
You're "asking" the same "question" over and over. AskMe isn't the Universe to whom you plead for another chance. It's where other people give you advise, that you can follow or not. Have you followed any of the other advise you've gotten here?
posted by bleep at 11:30 AM on July 9, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by bleep at 11:30 AM on July 9, 2013 [5 favorites]
A lot of the negative, helpless worldview you describe here aligns with symptoms of major depressive disorder. Please talk to your therapist (or a different therapist) and a doctor, preferably a psychiatrist.
posted by jaguar at 11:30 AM on July 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 11:30 AM on July 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
Looking at your past questions: Please go to a doctor immediately, and find a new therapist. If your current therapist has not been treating you for depression or basically insisting that you should get a medical evaluation for antidepressant medication, you are with the wrong therapist.
posted by jaguar at 11:35 AM on July 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 11:35 AM on July 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
Nthing that depression is an illness, and it needs treatment. And you have this illness right now. Arguing that a nihilistic, self hating view of the world is valid is a hallmark of the illness.
I'd add that depression is a life-threatening illness. You don't need AskMeFi, you need a very good treatment provider. Me, I'd do as jaguar suggests and head straight to a psychiatrist.
posted by bearwife at 11:35 AM on July 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'd add that depression is a life-threatening illness. You don't need AskMeFi, you need a very good treatment provider. Me, I'd do as jaguar suggests and head straight to a psychiatrist.
posted by bearwife at 11:35 AM on July 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
Get more aerobic exercise!
My therapist warned me a long time ago that if you don't do what you are supposed to do in life that you are left with nothing.
Are you sure that's an accurate quote?
I remember a (npr) story about actually one of the great early usenet ranters, a phd grad in an obscure field, unemployed for years, was anonymously famous posting from his parents basement. Then he got a dream job and went on with his life and left the other stuff behind. Just because you're not on a normalized path with mortgage in the burbs with 2.37 kids in stickerd minivan, well, hang in there.
Oh did I mention exercise!
posted by sammyo at 11:35 AM on July 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
My therapist warned me a long time ago that if you don't do what you are supposed to do in life that you are left with nothing.
Are you sure that's an accurate quote?
I remember a (npr) story about actually one of the great early usenet ranters, a phd grad in an obscure field, unemployed for years, was anonymously famous posting from his parents basement. Then he got a dream job and went on with his life and left the other stuff behind. Just because you're not on a normalized path with mortgage in the burbs with 2.37 kids in stickerd minivan, well, hang in there.
Oh did I mention exercise!
posted by sammyo at 11:35 AM on July 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You don't get to restart your life at any point?
Not as far as anybody knows, and it's not like it would do any good. You lived your life the way you did it because it made sense to you to live it that way. What assurance do you have that you would live it any other way? You don't.
You have opportunities and once you have squandered them, you don't get them back. Can any negative be re-worked in this life or is that just positive psychology bullshit?
That's right. You don't get them back. The past is gone. You can't have any more of it, or have it any differently.
But the flipside is, the past is gone. You don't have to live in it or be ruled by it. You can live this moment however you want to live it.
Try it. Try, right now, to live this moment free of regret. Breathe. Be still. Notice your body. Feel the earth pushing against your feet or your butt. Feel your pulse in your fingers and does. Breathe. You're okay. You're not hurting anyone right now. You are not in immediate danger.
Also, you could probably not change your circumstances very much in any particular way in this moment, so you are free of having to feel like you should be doing something else or bettering yourself. Just be in this moment. You have nothing to regret about how you lived this moment right here.
Now do another moment. And maybe another. And work yourself up. You can live two moments today free of everything but who you are in the here and now. Tomorrow, maybe you can live a whole half-hour that way. Mindfully. Taking care to live up to your own personal ethics and to be the person you know you want to be. Just for a moment. Just for a short time.
Eventually, you can do this for the entire day. But you don't get to live the day all at once, you get the day by living each moment without regret, in a way that you know is right for you.
Can even the worst people on the planet come back and take a stab at finding happiness and rebuilding their character flaws and the people that they have wronged?
You can't make other people do anything. You can't make them forgive you or accept you back or trust you again or anything. They will do that or they won't, but that's their decision to make. Not yours.
All you can do is, you can be the person you want to be, one moment at a time. Other people will see that, or they won't, but you can't control them. You can only control you.
You use a lot of catastrophizing language about how totally over your life is, but your life is not over. You have life still. You have this moment. Your life changed for the better a few years ago, and then it changed again, perhaps for the worse. It will keep changing and changing. Work on this moment. That's enough for you. It's really all anybody gets.
posted by gauche at 11:36 AM on July 9, 2013
Not as far as anybody knows, and it's not like it would do any good. You lived your life the way you did it because it made sense to you to live it that way. What assurance do you have that you would live it any other way? You don't.
You have opportunities and once you have squandered them, you don't get them back. Can any negative be re-worked in this life or is that just positive psychology bullshit?
That's right. You don't get them back. The past is gone. You can't have any more of it, or have it any differently.
But the flipside is, the past is gone. You don't have to live in it or be ruled by it. You can live this moment however you want to live it.
Try it. Try, right now, to live this moment free of regret. Breathe. Be still. Notice your body. Feel the earth pushing against your feet or your butt. Feel your pulse in your fingers and does. Breathe. You're okay. You're not hurting anyone right now. You are not in immediate danger.
Also, you could probably not change your circumstances very much in any particular way in this moment, so you are free of having to feel like you should be doing something else or bettering yourself. Just be in this moment. You have nothing to regret about how you lived this moment right here.
Now do another moment. And maybe another. And work yourself up. You can live two moments today free of everything but who you are in the here and now. Tomorrow, maybe you can live a whole half-hour that way. Mindfully. Taking care to live up to your own personal ethics and to be the person you know you want to be. Just for a moment. Just for a short time.
Eventually, you can do this for the entire day. But you don't get to live the day all at once, you get the day by living each moment without regret, in a way that you know is right for you.
Can even the worst people on the planet come back and take a stab at finding happiness and rebuilding their character flaws and the people that they have wronged?
You can't make other people do anything. You can't make them forgive you or accept you back or trust you again or anything. They will do that or they won't, but that's their decision to make. Not yours.
All you can do is, you can be the person you want to be, one moment at a time. Other people will see that, or they won't, but you can't control them. You can only control you.
You use a lot of catastrophizing language about how totally over your life is, but your life is not over. You have life still. You have this moment. Your life changed for the better a few years ago, and then it changed again, perhaps for the worse. It will keep changing and changing. Work on this moment. That's enough for you. It's really all anybody gets.
posted by gauche at 11:36 AM on July 9, 2013
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This thread is closed to new comments.
I don't see an actual question here, so this may get deleted by the mods - but it sounds like you're going through a rough patch now, and could greatly benefit from therapy and/or anti-depressants.
If you're already in therapy, do you feel like it's helping at all? If not, maybe try another therapist. Bring this post with you and show it to them.
Regarding your last line - you haven't squandered everything. You are still alive, and with the *right* help, you can and will get better. Don't give up on that.
posted by trivia genius at 11:21 AM on July 9, 2013