Help me re-do my to-do list
July 7, 2013 11:44 PM Subscribe
I once had a to-do list, things I wanted to achieve/experience by the time i turned 30:
Establish a rewarding career / Travel / Find some degree of success with my music / Learn to swim / Get into a sport, get fit / Have a few close friends...
So, I've just turned 40 & I still have not managed to do any of these things.
And now I feel I am running out of time...
- My job is not rewarding, I am underpaid for what I do, but am too afraid to seek better. It took forever just to get this gig. It takes up most of my time and it exhausts me. But it pays the bills, barely. I have no savings.
- I have always so very much wanted to see at least some of the world, but there was never time or funds. I've never been out of my time zone. I used to have a passport; I did not renew it.
- My passion is music. I promised myself I would try to take this somewhere. I never left the living room. I was never satisfied with my skills, it was never good enough. Still I dream of getting out there.
- Sports, Swimming...I was a timid child. I cried my way through gym class. Later in life I regretted not learning at least one sport...I see so many people get great enjoyment from it, making connections, fellowship...I'd love to be on a team of some sort. But I am truly terrible at sports. I don't want to waste everyone's time. As for swimming: I always wanted to conquer one of my greatest fears. I was and still am too scared.
- A friend or two...I have none. A few acquaintances maybe. I guess I don't endear myself to people, kinda like a TV pilot, they see the first episode but don't bother to watch the rest of the season.
It occurs to me that I have no real life experience, and this gets worse as I get older, most people I interact with have done so much more than I have. It's difficult to have conversations with people, I'm so ignorant. I can't add anything, all I can do is listen.
Anyway, my specific-ish question is this: Since it is getting exponentially harder to reach all these goals, I think I should prioritize the list and perhaps strike off some things.
To those who actually have lived a little, what do you think would the most important, then the next most, etc.
* I should note this is my very first post. If I have done it wrong, i'm sorry, I do a lot of things wrong. I'll try to do better next time.
I most likely left out important details...if something is missing ask me and I will answer.
One more thing: I do not blame anyone but myself, it is all my fault. I just could never get my shit together. If somehow i manage to do so...well, I realize I won't be able to do everything at once.
And that is what this is all about.
- My job is not rewarding, I am underpaid for what I do, but am too afraid to seek better. It took forever just to get this gig. It takes up most of my time and it exhausts me. But it pays the bills, barely. I have no savings.
- I have always so very much wanted to see at least some of the world, but there was never time or funds. I've never been out of my time zone. I used to have a passport; I did not renew it.
- My passion is music. I promised myself I would try to take this somewhere. I never left the living room. I was never satisfied with my skills, it was never good enough. Still I dream of getting out there.
- Sports, Swimming...I was a timid child. I cried my way through gym class. Later in life I regretted not learning at least one sport...I see so many people get great enjoyment from it, making connections, fellowship...I'd love to be on a team of some sort. But I am truly terrible at sports. I don't want to waste everyone's time. As for swimming: I always wanted to conquer one of my greatest fears. I was and still am too scared.
- A friend or two...I have none. A few acquaintances maybe. I guess I don't endear myself to people, kinda like a TV pilot, they see the first episode but don't bother to watch the rest of the season.
It occurs to me that I have no real life experience, and this gets worse as I get older, most people I interact with have done so much more than I have. It's difficult to have conversations with people, I'm so ignorant. I can't add anything, all I can do is listen.
Anyway, my specific-ish question is this: Since it is getting exponentially harder to reach all these goals, I think I should prioritize the list and perhaps strike off some things.
To those who actually have lived a little, what do you think would the most important, then the next most, etc.
* I should note this is my very first post. If I have done it wrong, i'm sorry, I do a lot of things wrong. I'll try to do better next time.
I most likely left out important details...if something is missing ask me and I will answer.
One more thing: I do not blame anyone but myself, it is all my fault. I just could never get my shit together. If somehow i manage to do so...well, I realize I won't be able to do everything at once.
And that is what this is all about.
From the list you've given, I would say definitely learn to swim first. It's the one item that you can do without depending on external factors. Find a good instructor, learn to swim, tick something off your list and enjoy the benefits!
On preview: and what Nomyte said warrants serious consideration.
posted by nomis at 12:21 AM on July 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
On preview: and what Nomyte said warrants serious consideration.
posted by nomis at 12:21 AM on July 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
If I were you, (along with fixing the depression your post indicates) I'd work first on joining a team sport league. Join one that prioritizes fun/sociability over competition and they won't care that you're a newbie. At least some of the members may turn out to be good friend fodder. Let it snowball - maybe you'll meet some people who'd like to jam or who would be interested in teaching you how to swim.* (I offer to teach all my friends how to swim. Seriously. But if you'd prefer a professional obviously you can also get actual adult swim lessons, which would likely be a better caliber of instruction.) Networking is often the best way to get a new job, too, and my best travels have always been with a buddy.
*I do want to strongly advise you to learn how to swim before traveling. It will make travel both safer and likely more rewarding if you have that in your skill set. And frankly I personally prioritize swimming quite highly as a safety issue regardless of travel but you may tackle it better slightly later on your task list since it's a great fear of yours if you're more grounded socially and feel fitter from your interactions in team sports already.
Also, please remember to initiate asking your acquaintances or new friends to hang out sometimes; don't always wait for them to suggest it. People who feel down on themselves often hang back in friendships and that's often actually what's causing the lesser association, not that they don't like what they're seeing.
posted by vegartanipla at 12:31 AM on July 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
*I do want to strongly advise you to learn how to swim before traveling. It will make travel both safer and likely more rewarding if you have that in your skill set. And frankly I personally prioritize swimming quite highly as a safety issue regardless of travel but you may tackle it better slightly later on your task list since it's a great fear of yours if you're more grounded socially and feel fitter from your interactions in team sports already.
Also, please remember to initiate asking your acquaintances or new friends to hang out sometimes; don't always wait for them to suggest it. People who feel down on themselves often hang back in friendships and that's often actually what's causing the lesser association, not that they don't like what they're seeing.
posted by vegartanipla at 12:31 AM on July 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
It is not the answer to your question but Nomyte is right, I think.
I think joining a sports group/doing a class in something (music?) will knock two things off your list at once - the social and fitness/music part. I'd say do the sport thing first, because getting more active will do wonders for your sense of well being.
Hey I've travelled a bit, and can I just say, while it is great and amazing etc, you also don't need to go far to have a wonderful experience. You won't get a stamp in your passport, but travelling around your country can be just as cool and interesting. Start small. Your list might feel long and overwhelming because you feel like you're running out of time - go for a day trip out of your city.
posted by mooza at 1:02 AM on July 8, 2013 [4 favorites]
I think joining a sports group/doing a class in something (music?) will knock two things off your list at once - the social and fitness/music part. I'd say do the sport thing first, because getting more active will do wonders for your sense of well being.
Hey I've travelled a bit, and can I just say, while it is great and amazing etc, you also don't need to go far to have a wonderful experience. You won't get a stamp in your passport, but travelling around your country can be just as cool and interesting. Start small. Your list might feel long and overwhelming because you feel like you're running out of time - go for a day trip out of your city.
posted by mooza at 1:02 AM on July 8, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm wondering if you have any expenses that could be lightened somehow. Having no savings makes trying new things much scarier. Is there anything you could do without that would help you to build up some funds? TV/smartphone/Xbox/pricy car...? I like YNAB for setting specific savings goals like "trip to Costa Rica."
Also, mefi music accepts all submissions.
posted by rouftop at 1:23 AM on July 8, 2013
Also, mefi music accepts all submissions.
posted by rouftop at 1:23 AM on July 8, 2013
I agree that learning to swim should be first. It will get you fitter, and give you more confidence, which will help with your other goals. If you end up enjoying it, you can make that your sport, and look into other water related team sports (water polo! rowing! sailing!).
As someone else who always hated sport at school because I sucked at it, getting fitter has made a huge difference. I always thought you were either sporty or not, but it turns out even those of us born with no athletic skills, clumsy and naturally weaker/slower/with higher resting heartrates than even most other people who have no athletic training can make huge improvements.
I took up weightlifting and over about 10 years got to the point where I can totally outlift most untrained men (I am female). It takes even the most naturally gifted of women at least a year to reach my hard-gained abilities. The strength advantages from weightlifting then made various other sports I had previously found hard a lot easier (swimming, skiing, cycling, anything involving throwing or kicking balls, rock climbing).
I took up running in February, and couldn't even run for a full two minutes without stopping to walk. Now I am doing 8km three times a week at what for me is an amazing speed of 9kph. (My husband, on the other hand, who does no cardio training, decided to go for his first run in 10 years last week and did a full 10km at 12kph, which makes me hate him a little bit, but whatever, I'm still fitter and faster than most total couch potatoes, and I can now keep up with him and his friends without totally embarrassing myself if we go hiking or cycling, or play a friendly game of frisbee/soccer).
So yeah, pick a solo sport for now, get fitter and faster, and then go for some social team sport later when you are more confident. And based on your goals I recommend the solo sport should be swimming.
posted by lollusc at 1:40 AM on July 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
As someone else who always hated sport at school because I sucked at it, getting fitter has made a huge difference. I always thought you were either sporty or not, but it turns out even those of us born with no athletic skills, clumsy and naturally weaker/slower/with higher resting heartrates than even most other people who have no athletic training can make huge improvements.
I took up weightlifting and over about 10 years got to the point where I can totally outlift most untrained men (I am female). It takes even the most naturally gifted of women at least a year to reach my hard-gained abilities. The strength advantages from weightlifting then made various other sports I had previously found hard a lot easier (swimming, skiing, cycling, anything involving throwing or kicking balls, rock climbing).
I took up running in February, and couldn't even run for a full two minutes without stopping to walk. Now I am doing 8km three times a week at what for me is an amazing speed of 9kph. (My husband, on the other hand, who does no cardio training, decided to go for his first run in 10 years last week and did a full 10km at 12kph, which makes me hate him a little bit, but whatever, I'm still fitter and faster than most total couch potatoes, and I can now keep up with him and his friends without totally embarrassing myself if we go hiking or cycling, or play a friendly game of frisbee/soccer).
So yeah, pick a solo sport for now, get fitter and faster, and then go for some social team sport later when you are more confident. And based on your goals I recommend the solo sport should be swimming.
posted by lollusc at 1:40 AM on July 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
I, too, agree that what you have written sounds like the words of someone very depressed, and I hope that you will seek out therapy, which can also help you prioritize your goals and gain perspective on what you have accomplished.
Depression is like anything else -- it seeks to perpetuate and survive and one way it does this is by tricking us into believing us that nothing we do or want is worthwhile or possible, so we give up before we ever start. In your case, I feel like I'm seeing a list so long and so big that it looks very daunting. None of us could take on all those projects at once and lives don't turn on a dime, but you can still hold all of the goals as worthy ones while concentrating your efforts in one area to start. I think that exercise is a good one because along with all its other benefits, it can help with the physiological aspects of depression.
And while I don't disagree with those who are recommending swimming for many good reasons, I wanted to let you know that I too was never athletic etc but at age 51 I began running and it is astonishingly enjoyable to me. I can't do it on a treadmill -- that bores and exhausts me. But running outside turns out to be thoroughly delightful in every respect, including that it makes me feel powerful and like I have really accomplished something. Also, it's free and requires no equipment to speak of. I started doing it for a variety of reasons, all centered around thinking I should do it for my own good and never for a moment suspecting that I would fall in love with it.
Do consider therapy, though, and in the meantime see if you can channel some of the energy that now says "this is all my fault" into words that more closely resemble "my life is mine to direct and control. I can do whatever I set my mind to."
posted by janey47 at 3:36 AM on July 8, 2013
Depression is like anything else -- it seeks to perpetuate and survive and one way it does this is by tricking us into believing us that nothing we do or want is worthwhile or possible, so we give up before we ever start. In your case, I feel like I'm seeing a list so long and so big that it looks very daunting. None of us could take on all those projects at once and lives don't turn on a dime, but you can still hold all of the goals as worthy ones while concentrating your efforts in one area to start. I think that exercise is a good one because along with all its other benefits, it can help with the physiological aspects of depression.
And while I don't disagree with those who are recommending swimming for many good reasons, I wanted to let you know that I too was never athletic etc but at age 51 I began running and it is astonishingly enjoyable to me. I can't do it on a treadmill -- that bores and exhausts me. But running outside turns out to be thoroughly delightful in every respect, including that it makes me feel powerful and like I have really accomplished something. Also, it's free and requires no equipment to speak of. I started doing it for a variety of reasons, all centered around thinking I should do it for my own good and never for a moment suspecting that I would fall in love with it.
Do consider therapy, though, and in the meantime see if you can channel some of the energy that now says "this is all my fault" into words that more closely resemble "my life is mine to direct and control. I can do whatever I set my mind to."
posted by janey47 at 3:36 AM on July 8, 2013
Welcome Dear Soap,
Happiness does not depend on achievement. You don't have to do any of things on this in order for people to like you or to be an interesting person. (For example I think the name you chose is very interesting! If I met you in person I would ask you all about it and we would have a nice laugh)
I would recommend you think about "being active" as opposed to "playing a sport." Sometimes sports and being athletic sounds too daunting. But being more active? anyone can do that! I kept waiting until I was in shape in order to swim or play on the kickball team. And I never got into shape. So now, I just go do it. People are bowling - sign me up. People are playing kickball - I'm in. Be active because its a way to be good to yourself and i think you are having a hard time being good to your self.
(By the way, my mom took swimming lessons at the Y at age 76. The instructor was so used to adults who never learned to swim and who were terrified. You move at your pace. Look around and find a place like that.)
Finally -Get therapy. Read up about good therapy - there are a lot of posts on here about how to get started and how to choose someone good. It's another way to be good to yourself.
posted by SyraCarol at 3:51 AM on July 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Happiness does not depend on achievement. You don't have to do any of things on this in order for people to like you or to be an interesting person. (For example I think the name you chose is very interesting! If I met you in person I would ask you all about it and we would have a nice laugh)
I would recommend you think about "being active" as opposed to "playing a sport." Sometimes sports and being athletic sounds too daunting. But being more active? anyone can do that! I kept waiting until I was in shape in order to swim or play on the kickball team. And I never got into shape. So now, I just go do it. People are bowling - sign me up. People are playing kickball - I'm in. Be active because its a way to be good to yourself and i think you are having a hard time being good to your self.
(By the way, my mom took swimming lessons at the Y at age 76. The instructor was so used to adults who never learned to swim and who were terrified. You move at your pace. Look around and find a place like that.)
Finally -Get therapy. Read up about good therapy - there are a lot of posts on here about how to get started and how to choose someone good. It's another way to be good to yourself.
posted by SyraCarol at 3:51 AM on July 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
As someone who turned 40 a couple of years ago, let me also add that some of the panic about running out of time comes with turning that corner. However, there's nothing special about that number. It ends in a zero, but that's it. You're only one year older than you were at 39, and you are ten years younger than you will be at 50. You may live to 90, which means you're not even halfway done!
Now, go sign up for an adult swim class at the YMCA!
posted by Houstonian at 3:57 AM on July 8, 2013 [6 favorites]
Now, go sign up for an adult swim class at the YMCA!
posted by Houstonian at 3:57 AM on July 8, 2013 [6 favorites]
Like you said in your post, you can't do it all at once. And the cool thing about this kind of list is that you can add and remove items whenever you want, but that also means that success is "doing things on the list," not "finishing the whole list." Keep that in mind. Pick one thing and have fun with it for awhile, and then try something else.
For the music part of your list, look around your city for groups. Lots of groups have jam sessions, and some have formal plays. In jam sessions, no one cares if you're perfect, and people teach and learn from each other in a relaxed informal atmosphere. Groups that have formal plays or concerts expect a certain level of ability, but that can vary from being able to play a few chords to being able to play complex music from memory. Many groups also have structures in place for members to improve their skills. You will be surprised how much you improve just from playing with other people.
Also, look for open mike nights. I promise, there will always be someone at an open mike night who has poorer skills than you do. They get up there and play with passion, and sometimes they miss notes or jumble the lyrics or whatever, but they just keep going, and everyone claps for them at the end.
The thing about being a musician (or any artist really) is that you will always see the places where you need to improve. The average listener will only hear great music.
posted by rakaidan at 4:00 AM on July 8, 2013
For the music part of your list, look around your city for groups. Lots of groups have jam sessions, and some have formal plays. In jam sessions, no one cares if you're perfect, and people teach and learn from each other in a relaxed informal atmosphere. Groups that have formal plays or concerts expect a certain level of ability, but that can vary from being able to play a few chords to being able to play complex music from memory. Many groups also have structures in place for members to improve their skills. You will be surprised how much you improve just from playing with other people.
Also, look for open mike nights. I promise, there will always be someone at an open mike night who has poorer skills than you do. They get up there and play with passion, and sometimes they miss notes or jumble the lyrics or whatever, but they just keep going, and everyone claps for them at the end.
The thing about being a musician (or any artist really) is that you will always see the places where you need to improve. The average listener will only hear great music.
posted by rakaidan at 4:00 AM on July 8, 2013
Don't try to do everything at once. Start small, build confidence.
I suggest starting a physical activity that you can do alone and work at your own pace. Exercise is excellent for depression, and getting in shape will help you out when you feel more ready to take up a team activity of some sort. Being "bad at sports" is usually a combination of lack of lack of fitness along with lack of skill. You can deal with the fitness part on your own.
Two ideas: Do a Couch to 5K. All you need to get started is a pair of running shoes.
If running doesn't appeal, how about working out with weights? If you have a Planet Fitness near you, it only costs about $10 a month. And working out in a gym can help you meet people, especially if you go at a regular time you can get to know other regulars.
The other thing I suggest is to become a tourist in your own town/area. Read up on the history of the area. Find out what there is to do and do it all! Every place I've ever lived, from a tiny town in Ohio to the Chicago area, has had stuff to do, a lot of it free or cheap. Museums, art galleries, local theater, historic places, natural areas for hiking, etc. It will get you out of the house, it will give you something akin to the travel experience, and it will give you stuff to talk about/do with other people when the time comes.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:14 AM on July 8, 2013
I suggest starting a physical activity that you can do alone and work at your own pace. Exercise is excellent for depression, and getting in shape will help you out when you feel more ready to take up a team activity of some sort. Being "bad at sports" is usually a combination of lack of lack of fitness along with lack of skill. You can deal with the fitness part on your own.
Two ideas: Do a Couch to 5K. All you need to get started is a pair of running shoes.
If running doesn't appeal, how about working out with weights? If you have a Planet Fitness near you, it only costs about $10 a month. And working out in a gym can help you meet people, especially if you go at a regular time you can get to know other regulars.
The other thing I suggest is to become a tourist in your own town/area. Read up on the history of the area. Find out what there is to do and do it all! Every place I've ever lived, from a tiny town in Ohio to the Chicago area, has had stuff to do, a lot of it free or cheap. Museums, art galleries, local theater, historic places, natural areas for hiking, etc. It will get you out of the house, it will give you something akin to the travel experience, and it will give you stuff to talk about/do with other people when the time comes.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:14 AM on July 8, 2013
First thing for me would be to find a better job. If you're underpaid and exhausted, that's going to physically bar you from achieving a lot, and financially limit you. It's much easier to find a job when you have a job, so I'd spend some time each night and during weekends (or whenever you're off) looking for work that's at least better-paying. If that means you have to move somewhere better, then do that. You said you don't have friends, which (to me) would mean you don't really need to stay put.
With a job that doesn't tire you out and pays better, you can be in a better place to travel, take a class at the gym, and go to events where you could meet new people.
Good luck!
posted by xingcat at 4:40 AM on July 8, 2013 [5 favorites]
With a job that doesn't tire you out and pays better, you can be in a better place to travel, take a class at the gym, and go to events where you could meet new people.
Good luck!
posted by xingcat at 4:40 AM on July 8, 2013 [5 favorites]
Some research has shown that people do much more poorly following through on New Year's resolutions if they make more than one. I think my best advice would to pick only one of the things on your list and do it.
posted by jefeweiss at 6:32 AM on July 8, 2013
posted by jefeweiss at 6:32 AM on July 8, 2013
Here's the thing about therapy/medication for depression, if that's what you're dealing with (and only you and your doctor can make that determination), you start coming out of the quicksand and suddenly find that it's easier to move your body, make changes in your life and feel like it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about your decisions.
While I think seeing a doctor/therapist is top of the list, if you're at all motivated to start learning to swim, it seems like that's something you really want and would absolutely benefit from both physically and mentally.
Make a plan. Go for it. Feel free to memail me if you want.
(BTW, you did great for your first ask. You don't need to change a thing.)
posted by Sophie1 at 6:38 AM on July 8, 2013
While I think seeing a doctor/therapist is top of the list, if you're at all motivated to start learning to swim, it seems like that's something you really want and would absolutely benefit from both physically and mentally.
Make a plan. Go for it. Feel free to memail me if you want.
(BTW, you did great for your first ask. You don't need to change a thing.)
posted by Sophie1 at 6:38 AM on July 8, 2013
Your goals are not unrealistic. You want some friends and a decent job, you want to get your music out there somehow, etc... you can actually do this stuff. You'll have to do some work for it, but the alternative is not working for it and knowing you won't get the things you want unless you get extraordinarily lucky and it all falls into your lap.
Therapy would be a very good idea. It doesn't mean you're crazy, or weak. It means you've reached a point in your life where you're willing to do what it takes to feel better.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 6:44 AM on July 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Therapy would be a very good idea. It doesn't mean you're crazy, or weak. It means you've reached a point in your life where you're willing to do what it takes to feel better.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 6:44 AM on July 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
You are not running out of time! You can definitely do everything on your list, and in fact once you start ticking some off, you'll find it easier to accomplish the goals which are left.
I agree with everyone who says start with therapy and exercise.
It's difficult to have conversations with people, I'm so ignorant. I can't add anything, all I can do is listen.
People probably love talking to you (especially about their travels) because you're not constantly interrupting them to put in your 2 cents worth. So listen, and learn. And then the next time someone else talks about yak herding, if you want, you can say "Oh, someone I know had xyz experience with yak herding, was it like that for you?". You don't have to have first hand knowledge to be able to add to conversation. Plus, hey, you're on metafilter! Read the posts and you'll know a lot more about more interesting stuff than the average person :)
A friend or two...I have none. A few acquaintances maybe.
It's trite, but all friends start out as acquaintances. Just reach out a little, something low key like coffee or a drink after work. Not everyone will become a friend in this way, but someone will, and you only really need one friend...who can introduce you to their friends etc etc.
*hugs* I wish you well.
posted by pianissimo at 7:20 AM on July 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
I agree with everyone who says start with therapy and exercise.
It's difficult to have conversations with people, I'm so ignorant. I can't add anything, all I can do is listen.
People probably love talking to you (especially about their travels) because you're not constantly interrupting them to put in your 2 cents worth. So listen, and learn. And then the next time someone else talks about yak herding, if you want, you can say "Oh, someone I know had xyz experience with yak herding, was it like that for you?". You don't have to have first hand knowledge to be able to add to conversation. Plus, hey, you're on metafilter! Read the posts and you'll know a lot more about more interesting stuff than the average person :)
A friend or two...I have none. A few acquaintances maybe.
It's trite, but all friends start out as acquaintances. Just reach out a little, something low key like coffee or a drink after work. Not everyone will become a friend in this way, but someone will, and you only really need one friend...who can introduce you to their friends etc etc.
*hugs* I wish you well.
posted by pianissimo at 7:20 AM on July 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't think you need therapy and I don't think you're very depressed. You are 40, and despite all of the "40 is the new 30!" junk out there, you and I both know it's the halfway point of average life expectancy. I know this, because I turned 40 last year. It can be a real bummer.
The first thing I'd do is use one of the online budget calculators to find yourself money for swimming lessons. You might feel like a goofball being an older learner but there have been many goofballs before you (hello!) and many after you who will be doing the very same thing.
At the same time, take baby steps toward finding a new job. My quality of life soared once I got rid of the after work exhaustion and Sunday night dreads that I had with my old job. It can be a long journey, but one that you can start by sitting in your elastic-waist pants one night with a Diet Dr. Pepper and building up your LinkedIn page. I was hired for my current job when I was 39. It's possible!
Good luck, good luck, good luck. You can do this!
posted by kimberussell at 7:53 AM on July 8, 2013
The first thing I'd do is use one of the online budget calculators to find yourself money for swimming lessons. You might feel like a goofball being an older learner but there have been many goofballs before you (hello!) and many after you who will be doing the very same thing.
At the same time, take baby steps toward finding a new job. My quality of life soared once I got rid of the after work exhaustion and Sunday night dreads that I had with my old job. It can be a long journey, but one that you can start by sitting in your elastic-waist pants one night with a Diet Dr. Pepper and building up your LinkedIn page. I was hired for my current job when I was 39. It's possible!
Good luck, good luck, good luck. You can do this!
posted by kimberussell at 7:53 AM on July 8, 2013
I took a swimming class for adult beginners that met for an hour or two, once a week. You can probably manage that while working towards your other goals.
I suggest you take a group swimming class for adults who don't know how to swim. Talk to the instructor beforehand about how they structure their class, you want something where they don't pressure people. When I took the class, we met at an indoor pool that had no other classes or lap swimming happening at the same time, and everyone could go at their own pace, even just standing in the water or sitting on the edge if that's all they felt comfortable with. It was a completely different experience than the swimming lessons I had when I was younger, surrounded by screaming children and forced to follow along at the pace of the class.
So long as you can walk, an easy sport to get into is hiking, look for meetup groups or ask at a store like REI to find a hiking group. Even in the middle of a large urban area, there will be at least walking groups that you can join.
posted by yohko at 8:10 AM on July 8, 2013
I suggest you take a group swimming class for adults who don't know how to swim. Talk to the instructor beforehand about how they structure their class, you want something where they don't pressure people. When I took the class, we met at an indoor pool that had no other classes or lap swimming happening at the same time, and everyone could go at their own pace, even just standing in the water or sitting on the edge if that's all they felt comfortable with. It was a completely different experience than the swimming lessons I had when I was younger, surrounded by screaming children and forced to follow along at the pace of the class.
So long as you can walk, an easy sport to get into is hiking, look for meetup groups or ask at a store like REI to find a hiking group. Even in the middle of a large urban area, there will be at least walking groups that you can join.
posted by yohko at 8:10 AM on July 8, 2013
I think you're being unfair to yourself when you say that you haven't had any life experience, or that you haven't lived. You've been alive for 40 years! Even if your experiences haven't all been in activities that you would like them to be in, you've still had 40 years' worth of them - and comparing your life others' is just not fruitful, as there will always be someone who has more experience with something. I (an American) got to live in a ridiculously central area of London once, which was an awesome experience, but is probably nothing compared to a friend who up and moved to Australia, quit her day job, and became a successful photographer. And who is to say her experience is more rewarding than another friend who still lives in the same neighborhood in which she was born, but who has learned some seriously impressive home craftsmanship skills through the work she has done on her house?
Everything and everybody can be interesting if you look at them in the right way. If you were a character in a story, I am sure there are things about you that would make us want to keep reading.
Having said that, your to-do list reads like something you're keeping almost punitively - more like something you can look at to remind yourself of the things you haven't done than something you're using to get motivated and take action. And good lord, I think ANYBODY with a list like yours would be bound to feel bad about it more often than they felt good - your goals are at such a high level. That's not to say they aren't realistic, just that you'd do well to a) focus on one or two at a time and b) break those ones into actionable sub-steps that you can concretely check off at the end of a day. If you want to travel, maybe start by picking your top 5 destinations - that could be a single item on your list - then look up the cost of flights to each of those destinations - that could be another item - then cross off the three most expensive, etc. If you want to learn to swim, find two places near you that offer lessons, then look up their class schedules, then visit the facilities if you think that'd help, etc. Whatever you start with, turn your list into something you can use to track actual steps; there's something really satisfying about being able to actually cross things off of a list, and maybe having trackable, actionable items will at least get you going in the right direction. Good luck - as others have said, you can totally do this!
posted by DingoMutt at 8:40 AM on July 8, 2013 [5 favorites]
Everything and everybody can be interesting if you look at them in the right way. If you were a character in a story, I am sure there are things about you that would make us want to keep reading.
Having said that, your to-do list reads like something you're keeping almost punitively - more like something you can look at to remind yourself of the things you haven't done than something you're using to get motivated and take action. And good lord, I think ANYBODY with a list like yours would be bound to feel bad about it more often than they felt good - your goals are at such a high level. That's not to say they aren't realistic, just that you'd do well to a) focus on one or two at a time and b) break those ones into actionable sub-steps that you can concretely check off at the end of a day. If you want to travel, maybe start by picking your top 5 destinations - that could be a single item on your list - then look up the cost of flights to each of those destinations - that could be another item - then cross off the three most expensive, etc. If you want to learn to swim, find two places near you that offer lessons, then look up their class schedules, then visit the facilities if you think that'd help, etc. Whatever you start with, turn your list into something you can use to track actual steps; there's something really satisfying about being able to actually cross things off of a list, and maybe having trackable, actionable items will at least get you going in the right direction. Good luck - as others have said, you can totally do this!
posted by DingoMutt at 8:40 AM on July 8, 2013 [5 favorites]
Another thing that just occurred to me: while I would agree with the folks above who said that you could benefit from seeing a therapist, another avenue that you could pursue, if you want help in working on concrete goals, is a life coach. I used one to great effect when I felt stuck in a "holding pattern" years ago - I felt trapped in an unrewarding career path, knew I wanted to go back to grad school in a specific field, but only ever managed to talk and daydream about it (and then feel down on myself for not doing anything) for a good several years. My life coach was awesome in that he helped me brainstorm specific tasks that would move me forward on a week-by-week basis, and while part of me felt like this was something I SHOULD have been able to do on my own, just having someone else to whom I felt somewhat accountable made a huge difference in ensuring I actually did what I'd said for so long that I wanted to do.
My understanding is that the term "life coach" encompasses quite a lot of approaches, some of which you might find more or less effective (personally I would be put off by any that wanted to try, say, hypnosis or dream analysis), but there are definitely those out there who are more action and task-focused. I linked you to a page of an organization that is supposedly good for ensuring you find a reputable coach, but you'll definitely want to do your own homework if you go this route; just wanted to throw this out there as something that was of great help to me in achieving one of my big to-dos once.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:59 AM on July 8, 2013
My understanding is that the term "life coach" encompasses quite a lot of approaches, some of which you might find more or less effective (personally I would be put off by any that wanted to try, say, hypnosis or dream analysis), but there are definitely those out there who are more action and task-focused. I linked you to a page of an organization that is supposedly good for ensuring you find a reputable coach, but you'll definitely want to do your own homework if you go this route; just wanted to throw this out there as something that was of great help to me in achieving one of my big to-dos once.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:59 AM on July 8, 2013
Yes, your first problem is the depression and self-loathing evident throughout your question. So get to a doctor and work on that first. Solving THAT issue will result in some very nice life changes in very short order.
In my thirties I took up Ice Hockey. I joined a beginners skate school and there were about 14 of us learning how to get our skate on all at once. It was GREAT! Met some nice folks, and learned a sport that worked well with my complete lack of depth perception! I never got great at it, but I played in a co-ed league and had a ton of fun.
If you want to learn to swim, there are always adult beginner classes for that. The bonus is, you'll meet new people.
If you want some friends, one trick that works is to be fascinated with new acquaintances and to ask them lots of questions about themselves. People LOVE to talk about themselves.
As for the job, the time to look for your next job is ALWAYS. So update your resume, and start getting it out there. Apply only for jobs that are better than, and pay more than the job you currently have.
As for your job, most of us don't get our fulfillment from our work. I like my job fine, I'd say it's about 85% tedious and 15% interesting and fun. That's pretty good. It may seem like others get real enjoyment from their jobs. Most likely that's not really the case. They may like the company they work for, or their co-workers, or the money they make. Very rarely do people just ooze with excitement for their jobs. Make your goal to get a job that pays better, and you'll be on the road to ticking a box on your list.
As for the music, go into it with the idea that you'll find some nice folks to play with, and nothing more. My Uncle played guitar in a bluegrass band and he enjoyed the fuck out of it. They were never going to make it big, and that's not really the measure of "getting somewhere" with music. If you make music with your friends, that's success. Craigslist has a classified section for musicians, check out some of the ads, some fun group may be looking for you. Start off with jam sessions and see where it leads you. No musician is perfect, and you don't have to be.
Your perfectionism and anxiety really SCREAM depression. PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, get to your GP and be evaluated. The right drugs can really make a world of difference.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:27 AM on July 8, 2013
In my thirties I took up Ice Hockey. I joined a beginners skate school and there were about 14 of us learning how to get our skate on all at once. It was GREAT! Met some nice folks, and learned a sport that worked well with my complete lack of depth perception! I never got great at it, but I played in a co-ed league and had a ton of fun.
If you want to learn to swim, there are always adult beginner classes for that. The bonus is, you'll meet new people.
If you want some friends, one trick that works is to be fascinated with new acquaintances and to ask them lots of questions about themselves. People LOVE to talk about themselves.
As for the job, the time to look for your next job is ALWAYS. So update your resume, and start getting it out there. Apply only for jobs that are better than, and pay more than the job you currently have.
As for your job, most of us don't get our fulfillment from our work. I like my job fine, I'd say it's about 85% tedious and 15% interesting and fun. That's pretty good. It may seem like others get real enjoyment from their jobs. Most likely that's not really the case. They may like the company they work for, or their co-workers, or the money they make. Very rarely do people just ooze with excitement for their jobs. Make your goal to get a job that pays better, and you'll be on the road to ticking a box on your list.
As for the music, go into it with the idea that you'll find some nice folks to play with, and nothing more. My Uncle played guitar in a bluegrass band and he enjoyed the fuck out of it. They were never going to make it big, and that's not really the measure of "getting somewhere" with music. If you make music with your friends, that's success. Craigslist has a classified section for musicians, check out some of the ads, some fun group may be looking for you. Start off with jam sessions and see where it leads you. No musician is perfect, and you don't have to be.
Your perfectionism and anxiety really SCREAM depression. PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, get to your GP and be evaluated. The right drugs can really make a world of difference.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:27 AM on July 8, 2013
It looks like your question can be broken down into a bunch of pieces. That's the great thing about lists, you can take them piece by piece and make them more manageable.
1. I would try looking at this more like goals instead of To Do's. Goals are something you want to achieve because you will enjoy the results. To Do's are things you just feel like you have to get done.
2. Job: Don't be afraid to apply to other jobs! The worst people can say is no or not respond back. Looking for a better job will help you feel like you are going in the right direction and since you have a job, there's little rush.
3. Travel: This might sound less appealing than travel, but you can learn a lot about the world online. Sources like the CIA World Factbook, Wikipedia, and even Netflix can expand your understanding and awe for the world even when you don't have money and time for travel. It's a great substitute in the interim.
4. Music: I am totally a living room musician as well. Try busking and buy some ice cream afterwards with the profits. Maybe record some stuff and stick it up on YouTube. Check out open mic nights in your area. Create a website for your music and give out the URL to people you think would enjoy it. This way you avoid the pressure of big advertising but you can still share your music with the world and you might find some cool people to jam with.
5. Athletics: I always thought I was not athletic. after a while I decided it was my goal to live a healthier lifestyle, so I started sampling different exercise things. Yoga, Tae Bo, Richard Simmons workouts, running. All those things are great options and you can usually find free resources and videos at your local library. It helps to find a form of exercise that you like because you will feel more motivated to do it. So try a bunch of things just to check them out. Also, cardio might be exhausting at first, but it gets better and the power boost afterwards will make you feel like you just conquered the world.
6. Swimming: Yes on hiring a swim teacher who works specifically with adults. If cost is an issue, ask local college lifeguards, you may get a more affordable cost. A good teacher will encourage you to expand your boundaries while listening to the things that worry you.
7. Friends: The more you get out there and try different things, the more people you will meet. Make an effort to invite people over and to initiate contact. Deep inside most people would prefer to be invited to something instead of having to invite people. You can give yourself an edge by being the host.
Lastly, remember that no one is to blame for these things. Not even yourself. Our time constraints and life priorities change as we get older and most people don't achieve all the things they expected to. It's like looking at online home and life blogs: everyone else seems like they are having a perfect life and doing everything perfectly, but in truth life is complex for most people.
See a doctor if you are feeling more lethargic than usual, if you have lost interest in things you used to enjoy, and/or if you feel down most days of the week. Therapists and life coaches have a larger toolbox of life skills and management techniques to help you out. so it can give you a powerful foundation to jumpstart your life again.
Also, your user name is cool.
posted by donut_princess at 10:17 AM on July 8, 2013
1. I would try looking at this more like goals instead of To Do's. Goals are something you want to achieve because you will enjoy the results. To Do's are things you just feel like you have to get done.
2. Job: Don't be afraid to apply to other jobs! The worst people can say is no or not respond back. Looking for a better job will help you feel like you are going in the right direction and since you have a job, there's little rush.
3. Travel: This might sound less appealing than travel, but you can learn a lot about the world online. Sources like the CIA World Factbook, Wikipedia, and even Netflix can expand your understanding and awe for the world even when you don't have money and time for travel. It's a great substitute in the interim.
4. Music: I am totally a living room musician as well. Try busking and buy some ice cream afterwards with the profits. Maybe record some stuff and stick it up on YouTube. Check out open mic nights in your area. Create a website for your music and give out the URL to people you think would enjoy it. This way you avoid the pressure of big advertising but you can still share your music with the world and you might find some cool people to jam with.
5. Athletics: I always thought I was not athletic. after a while I decided it was my goal to live a healthier lifestyle, so I started sampling different exercise things. Yoga, Tae Bo, Richard Simmons workouts, running. All those things are great options and you can usually find free resources and videos at your local library. It helps to find a form of exercise that you like because you will feel more motivated to do it. So try a bunch of things just to check them out. Also, cardio might be exhausting at first, but it gets better and the power boost afterwards will make you feel like you just conquered the world.
6. Swimming: Yes on hiring a swim teacher who works specifically with adults. If cost is an issue, ask local college lifeguards, you may get a more affordable cost. A good teacher will encourage you to expand your boundaries while listening to the things that worry you.
7. Friends: The more you get out there and try different things, the more people you will meet. Make an effort to invite people over and to initiate contact. Deep inside most people would prefer to be invited to something instead of having to invite people. You can give yourself an edge by being the host.
Lastly, remember that no one is to blame for these things. Not even yourself. Our time constraints and life priorities change as we get older and most people don't achieve all the things they expected to. It's like looking at online home and life blogs: everyone else seems like they are having a perfect life and doing everything perfectly, but in truth life is complex for most people.
See a doctor if you are feeling more lethargic than usual, if you have lost interest in things you used to enjoy, and/or if you feel down most days of the week. Therapists and life coaches have a larger toolbox of life skills and management techniques to help you out. so it can give you a powerful foundation to jumpstart your life again.
Also, your user name is cool.
posted by donut_princess at 10:17 AM on July 8, 2013
Yoga, self-hypnosis and meditation focused on improving your self confidence could do wonders for you. And if you need to you can do them all for free with online resources. Swimming would be great too but it's quite challenging to learn as an adult so this would not really be a "quick win" for you. I would try to keep up with the job search as a priority as well because a shitty exhausting poorly paid job would suck the life out of anyone. Good luck OP we're all routing for you!
posted by hazyjane at 10:35 AM on July 8, 2013
posted by hazyjane at 10:35 AM on July 8, 2013
I'm older than you are and I have a 101 in 1001 list and accomplish things on it regularly. You can do this!
What I notice about your list of things to do is that you have no concrete goals. For example, looking at your list, I might make the following goals:
- Savings: Make a goal of "put $X in savings every month".
- Travel: Make goals of "obtain passport" "spend weekend in [big city near you]", etc.
- Music: Pick a basic song on your instrument of choice. Make a goal of "learn to play [X song] without mistakes".
- Sports: Make a goal of "swim [x] laps". Or "achieve a lifesaving certificate" if you decide you like that. Or "join a kickball league" or whatever.
- Friends: Make a goal of "once a month, ask a person out for lunch" so you can get a chance to socialize with people. Make a goal of "attend a Metafilter meetup in my area" (or set one up).
If your goals are nebulous, that makes it hard to surmount the lack of energy and the blues you seem to have. If your goals are concrete, at the end of 6 months, you can say "I put $6X in savings, I have a passport and went to the city, I can play Chopsticks on the piano, I swam 200 laps and joined a kickball league, and I had 6 people out to lunch and went to a meetup!" And that is a great feeling.
posted by immlass at 11:53 AM on July 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
What I notice about your list of things to do is that you have no concrete goals. For example, looking at your list, I might make the following goals:
- Savings: Make a goal of "put $X in savings every month".
- Travel: Make goals of "obtain passport" "spend weekend in [big city near you]", etc.
- Music: Pick a basic song on your instrument of choice. Make a goal of "learn to play [X song] without mistakes".
- Sports: Make a goal of "swim [x] laps". Or "achieve a lifesaving certificate" if you decide you like that. Or "join a kickball league" or whatever.
- Friends: Make a goal of "once a month, ask a person out for lunch" so you can get a chance to socialize with people. Make a goal of "attend a Metafilter meetup in my area" (or set one up).
If your goals are nebulous, that makes it hard to surmount the lack of energy and the blues you seem to have. If your goals are concrete, at the end of 6 months, you can say "I put $6X in savings, I have a passport and went to the city, I can play Chopsticks on the piano, I swam 200 laps and joined a kickball league, and I had 6 people out to lunch and went to a meetup!" And that is a great feeling.
posted by immlass at 11:53 AM on July 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
Welcome to AskMe!
How great that you've set yourself some major goals. That's a good start. I have one suggestion that should help you feel more in-control of those goals: make your goals more specific and concrete.
For example, let's look at some of the goals you've listed:
Establish a rewarding career
What constitutes a rewarding career for you? Would it mean working at [X] organization? If so, your new specific, targeted goal might include "Check [X] org for job openings" or "Submit a resumé." If a rewarding career means getting training in a new field, your new specific, targeted goal might be "get certification for [occupation]."
Travel
That's great! Where would you like to travel? And how? On vacation? As part of your work? To see friends or family? To visit new places?
Break it down into its particulars, then figure out what you need to achieve the particulars. Do you have a passport? Do you need luggage? Do you need to establish a nest egg dedicated for travel expenses? These are all doable: you just need to decide to do them.
Find some degree of success with my music
A great goal! What specifically does it mean to you? To become more proficient in your playing? To be an polished amateur? To play professionally? You get to decide what you're aiming for, and then you can set out goals to achieve that, whether it means simply practicing more or playing for your friends or going to auditions.
Learn to swim
Well done: this is a nice clear goal, which means you're that much closer to accomplishing it. Do you have access to a beach or pool? Can you sign up for swimming lessons? This goal is so close to being realized, because you've already identified the concrete thing at the heart of it; all you have to do is break it down into the to-do steps that will allow you accomplish it.
Get into a sport, get fit
Pick a sport! And once you get the hang of it, if you decide it's not the sport for you, it's okay to switch to another sport. Heck, maybe swimming will be your sport.
Have a few close friends...
This one's a great example of why it's useful to break down large goals into smaller objectives. Truthfully, this one isn't entirely in your control --- but the mechanisms by which one makes close friends are in your control. You can't make people be friends with you, but you can open yourself up to opportunities to make or strengthen friendships by putting yourself in situations where friendships often arise: around shared interests and time spent together, for a start.
If you end up taking swimming lessons, for example, you might find a friend in that class. Or if you decide to teach yourself to swim, it's safest to use the buddy system; maybe you have an acquaintance who would like to buddy up, and it's possible that buddy would turn into a close friend.
Or perhaps while you're perfecting/performing your music, you'll meet someone else who's interested in the same instrument/genre/venue, and that's a basis on which a lasting friendship could be born.
Your goals are all achievable, but it will be easiest if you break them down into smaller, specific goals first. As a bonus, they will also feel a lot more attainable when you see them as smaller steps. You can do it!
posted by Elsa at 12:01 PM on July 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
How great that you've set yourself some major goals. That's a good start. I have one suggestion that should help you feel more in-control of those goals: make your goals more specific and concrete.
For example, let's look at some of the goals you've listed:
Establish a rewarding career
What constitutes a rewarding career for you? Would it mean working at [X] organization? If so, your new specific, targeted goal might include "Check [X] org for job openings" or "Submit a resumé." If a rewarding career means getting training in a new field, your new specific, targeted goal might be "get certification for [occupation]."
Travel
That's great! Where would you like to travel? And how? On vacation? As part of your work? To see friends or family? To visit new places?
Break it down into its particulars, then figure out what you need to achieve the particulars. Do you have a passport? Do you need luggage? Do you need to establish a nest egg dedicated for travel expenses? These are all doable: you just need to decide to do them.
Find some degree of success with my music
A great goal! What specifically does it mean to you? To become more proficient in your playing? To be an polished amateur? To play professionally? You get to decide what you're aiming for, and then you can set out goals to achieve that, whether it means simply practicing more or playing for your friends or going to auditions.
Learn to swim
Well done: this is a nice clear goal, which means you're that much closer to accomplishing it. Do you have access to a beach or pool? Can you sign up for swimming lessons? This goal is so close to being realized, because you've already identified the concrete thing at the heart of it; all you have to do is break it down into the to-do steps that will allow you accomplish it.
Get into a sport, get fit
Pick a sport! And once you get the hang of it, if you decide it's not the sport for you, it's okay to switch to another sport. Heck, maybe swimming will be your sport.
Have a few close friends...
This one's a great example of why it's useful to break down large goals into smaller objectives. Truthfully, this one isn't entirely in your control --- but the mechanisms by which one makes close friends are in your control. You can't make people be friends with you, but you can open yourself up to opportunities to make or strengthen friendships by putting yourself in situations where friendships often arise: around shared interests and time spent together, for a start.
If you end up taking swimming lessons, for example, you might find a friend in that class. Or if you decide to teach yourself to swim, it's safest to use the buddy system; maybe you have an acquaintance who would like to buddy up, and it's possible that buddy would turn into a close friend.
Or perhaps while you're perfecting/performing your music, you'll meet someone else who's interested in the same instrument/genre/venue, and that's a basis on which a lasting friendship could be born.
Your goals are all achievable, but it will be easiest if you break them down into smaller, specific goals first. As a bonus, they will also feel a lot more attainable when you see them as smaller steps. You can do it!
posted by Elsa at 12:01 PM on July 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
Welcome to AskMe!
In addition to breaking your goals down into smaller, specific, measurable goals, consider doing one of these smaller goals each day. I find if I'm having a rough day, finding one thing I can do RIGHT NOW to improve it, even the tiniest bit, helps a lot. If you have 10 minutes free, do that one small thing that will help you towards a goal.
For example: renewing your passport! If you're from the US, still have your expired passport, and your passport expired less than 15 years ago, you can renew it by mail.
Steps (each of which can be done in separate days if needed)
1. Find forms online: http://travel.state.gov/passport/get/get_4855.html
2. Determine whether you can apply by mail or must apply in person.
3. Print out forms.
4. Fill out forms.
5. Get photo taken (in the US, you can often do this at Post Offices and drug stores like Walgreens)
6. Gather any additional identification needed. (Break this down into smaller steps if needed: identify which id you have/can get, where you need to get it from, schedule time to get it, etc)
7. Photocopy identification as needed.
8. Start saving to pay fee (or write check to pay fee, if you are able).
9. Find location to apply.
10. Apply.
11. Celebrate!
Make a tiny change each day and it adds up.
Good luck!
posted by wiskunde at 1:53 PM on July 8, 2013
In addition to breaking your goals down into smaller, specific, measurable goals, consider doing one of these smaller goals each day. I find if I'm having a rough day, finding one thing I can do RIGHT NOW to improve it, even the tiniest bit, helps a lot. If you have 10 minutes free, do that one small thing that will help you towards a goal.
For example: renewing your passport! If you're from the US, still have your expired passport, and your passport expired less than 15 years ago, you can renew it by mail.
Steps (each of which can be done in separate days if needed)
1. Find forms online: http://travel.state.gov/passport/get/get_4855.html
2. Determine whether you can apply by mail or must apply in person.
3. Print out forms.
4. Fill out forms.
5. Get photo taken (in the US, you can often do this at Post Offices and drug stores like Walgreens)
6. Gather any additional identification needed. (Break this down into smaller steps if needed: identify which id you have/can get, where you need to get it from, schedule time to get it, etc)
7. Photocopy identification as needed.
8. Start saving to pay fee (or write check to pay fee, if you are able).
9. Find location to apply.
10. Apply.
11. Celebrate!
Make a tiny change each day and it adds up.
Good luck!
posted by wiskunde at 1:53 PM on July 8, 2013
Here's something I have been thinking about with respect to getting older:
Q: what is the best time to plant a tree?
A: twenty years ago
Q: what is the second best time to plant a tree?
A: today
You are not out of time! 40 is the new whatever.
The other thing I try to keep in mind: anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. So keep making music in your living room. Laugh at your own mistakes. Find songs you like. It doesn't matter if it is "good enough" for anyone else. Just keep going and over time you will feel it getting easier.
The same goes for friendship, hard as that may be. Go outside. Jump in the lake and stay in the shallows if you don't swim well. Smile and make small talk. Yes it is excruciatingly awkward at first especially when you feel bad about yourself but just keep trying and it will get easier, and as you become more comfortable around others they will be more drawn to being friends with you.
Try to go a little easier on yourself. Nothing is ruined here. Your life, like everyone's, is a work in progress. If you make an effort, even if it fails, give yourself credit. Give yourself permission to feel a sense of accomplishment just for trying something new, because it is hard and you are brave just to try.
posted by mai at 3:00 PM on July 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
Q: what is the best time to plant a tree?
A: twenty years ago
Q: what is the second best time to plant a tree?
A: today
You are not out of time! 40 is the new whatever.
The other thing I try to keep in mind: anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. So keep making music in your living room. Laugh at your own mistakes. Find songs you like. It doesn't matter if it is "good enough" for anyone else. Just keep going and over time you will feel it getting easier.
The same goes for friendship, hard as that may be. Go outside. Jump in the lake and stay in the shallows if you don't swim well. Smile and make small talk. Yes it is excruciatingly awkward at first especially when you feel bad about yourself but just keep trying and it will get easier, and as you become more comfortable around others they will be more drawn to being friends with you.
Try to go a little easier on yourself. Nothing is ruined here. Your life, like everyone's, is a work in progress. If you make an effort, even if it fails, give yourself credit. Give yourself permission to feel a sense of accomplishment just for trying something new, because it is hard and you are brave just to try.
posted by mai at 3:00 PM on July 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
A few practical tips to add on to the great advice that everyone is giving:
In addition to YMCA that people are recommending, look at your city's Parks and Rec dept. They may have swimming lessons and easy sports leagues that you could join, and they are usually really cheap. Looking up the class schedule could be one of your concrete steps toward your goals.
I'm not sure of your exact reason why you're afraid to swim, but you should know that lots of pools in gyms and rec centers don't have a deep end. It's only 3-4 feet deep (waist high to chest high) all the way across. You can just walk back and forth in the lap lanes, you don't actually have to put your face in the water or support your body without touching the bottom. That might give you a chance to get in the water and get used to it, get some exercise, and build up to actually swimming.
In your first and only post on AskMe, you've gathered 17 people who have marked this as a favorite! This usually indicates that someone else relates to this question and they want to be able to follow the answers and use the advice that you are getting for themselves. So, recognize that you are not alone, and if you can gather the interest of 17 random strangers on your first try, you definitely have potential to grow in the friendship dept without all the tragic outcomes that you have predicted.
posted by CathyG at 5:05 PM on July 8, 2013
In addition to YMCA that people are recommending, look at your city's Parks and Rec dept. They may have swimming lessons and easy sports leagues that you could join, and they are usually really cheap. Looking up the class schedule could be one of your concrete steps toward your goals.
I'm not sure of your exact reason why you're afraid to swim, but you should know that lots of pools in gyms and rec centers don't have a deep end. It's only 3-4 feet deep (waist high to chest high) all the way across. You can just walk back and forth in the lap lanes, you don't actually have to put your face in the water or support your body without touching the bottom. That might give you a chance to get in the water and get used to it, get some exercise, and build up to actually swimming.
In your first and only post on AskMe, you've gathered 17 people who have marked this as a favorite! This usually indicates that someone else relates to this question and they want to be able to follow the answers and use the advice that you are getting for themselves. So, recognize that you are not alone, and if you can gather the interest of 17 random strangers on your first try, you definitely have potential to grow in the friendship dept without all the tragic outcomes that you have predicted.
posted by CathyG at 5:05 PM on July 8, 2013
"I don't think you need therapy and I don't think you're very depressed. You are 40, and despite all of the "40 is the new 30!" junk out there, you and I both know it's the halfway point of average life expectancy."
Thinking like that is a good way to stay depressed. There is something to be said for using the passage of time to motivate you, and for admitting when it's simply too late for some things. (40 would be a bad time to decide you want to become a professional ballerina, for example.) But this guy is clearly depressed and lacking confidence, and he's letting his age inhibit him. The goals he's outlined are things he can do at 40 or beyond, and a therapist could help him move forward with this stuff.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:56 PM on July 8, 2013
Thinking like that is a good way to stay depressed. There is something to be said for using the passage of time to motivate you, and for admitting when it's simply too late for some things. (40 would be a bad time to decide you want to become a professional ballerina, for example.) But this guy is clearly depressed and lacking confidence, and he's letting his age inhibit him. The goals he's outlined are things he can do at 40 or beyond, and a therapist could help him move forward with this stuff.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:56 PM on July 8, 2013
I think it's great you're ready for new adventures.
It's hard for us to know much about your background, the circles you move in, what these other people you compare yourself are doing exactly, and what you feel you are expected to do.
But you talk about yourself in such a dismissive way it kind of sounds like you might have some sort of inferiority complex. Or learned helplessness. Did your family tell you you couldn't do anything? Did they try to stop you or undermine you? Did they paint a picture of you as someone who was frail and helpless?
You can do things, why not?
most people I interact with have done so much more than I have.
I think you'll find most people sit in front of their computer a lot, looking at things other people have done and pretending it means they know all about them.
What are you like? Who are the people who are like you? Where are they? Go to them, and stop feeling weird.
If you feel out of shape, try a personal trainer for a while, to get you into new habits and feeling more confident. You could also try some sport where coaching is readily available, such as tennis. Swimming - you will feel so much more confident when you know how to stay afloat. And yes, you can learn. Do it. You will love it.
Travel - you can probably take short trips outside your time zone for not much money (although I don't know where you are!). Good way to meet people sometimes.
The best thing to know is adults trying new things are really cool. Start working on one or two things on your list this week.
posted by inkypinky at 3:42 AM on July 9, 2013
It's hard for us to know much about your background, the circles you move in, what these other people you compare yourself are doing exactly, and what you feel you are expected to do.
But you talk about yourself in such a dismissive way it kind of sounds like you might have some sort of inferiority complex. Or learned helplessness. Did your family tell you you couldn't do anything? Did they try to stop you or undermine you? Did they paint a picture of you as someone who was frail and helpless?
You can do things, why not?
most people I interact with have done so much more than I have.
I think you'll find most people sit in front of their computer a lot, looking at things other people have done and pretending it means they know all about them.
What are you like? Who are the people who are like you? Where are they? Go to them, and stop feeling weird.
If you feel out of shape, try a personal trainer for a while, to get you into new habits and feeling more confident. You could also try some sport where coaching is readily available, such as tennis. Swimming - you will feel so much more confident when you know how to stay afloat. And yes, you can learn. Do it. You will love it.
Travel - you can probably take short trips outside your time zone for not much money (although I don't know where you are!). Good way to meet people sometimes.
The best thing to know is adults trying new things are really cool. Start working on one or two things on your list this week.
posted by inkypinky at 3:42 AM on July 9, 2013
Response by poster: Wow, thanks everyone for such insightful responses. Truly a great collective of ideas here.
Looking at my question, I think I should break them down into smaller, specific questions...
I should point out that I don't believe I am depressed per se, just really bummed and disappointed. But I am seeking therapy nonetheless, which is taking forever ( I don't have a family doctor).
And the swimming thing: now that I need therapy for. I wish I could just go get lessons; but no, even the thought of it puts me in panic mode. I wish I could solve it.
posted by Soap D. Spencer at 10:23 PM on July 18, 2013
Looking at my question, I think I should break them down into smaller, specific questions...
I should point out that I don't believe I am depressed per se, just really bummed and disappointed. But I am seeking therapy nonetheless, which is taking forever ( I don't have a family doctor).
And the swimming thing: now that I need therapy for. I wish I could just go get lessons; but no, even the thought of it puts me in panic mode. I wish I could solve it.
posted by Soap D. Spencer at 10:23 PM on July 18, 2013
I think someone upthread suggested just walking in the water. The pools I know get progressively deeper, so you can just start at the shallow end and walk as far as you're comfortable with. No need to put your head underwater. In my experience, the "walking" lane is usually at the side, so you can even hold on to the edge if you're worried about falling (and you won't BTW). Can you take a bath? If you can take a bath, you'll be fine with this level of water interaction.
Then, or alternatively, can you work up just 10 minutes of courage? You'll need 5 to sign up for the lessons, and another 5 to make yourself go to that first one.
If you can't bring yourself to do either of the above, which is fine, then I'd say start with another sport. Once you have more confidence in another area of your life you'll be able to deal with the swimming thing better.
It's been more than a week since this question. Go ahead and ask another question!
posted by pianissimo at 10:58 PM on July 18, 2013
Then, or alternatively, can you work up just 10 minutes of courage? You'll need 5 to sign up for the lessons, and another 5 to make yourself go to that first one.
If you can't bring yourself to do either of the above, which is fine, then I'd say start with another sport. Once you have more confidence in another area of your life you'll be able to deal with the swimming thing better.
It's been more than a week since this question. Go ahead and ask another question!
posted by pianissimo at 10:58 PM on July 18, 2013
And the swimming thing: now that I need therapy for. I wish I could just go get lessons; but no, even the thought of it puts me in panic mode. I wish I could solve it.
Look at that: you're already doing well at recognizing what that goal means to you and breaking down it down into its component parts. Well done!
So what's your next step? (You don't have to answer that here. I'm posing the question for you, not for us.) It might be researching what kind of therapy you think will work best for you, or asking around (maybe here at AskMe) for a good therapist in your area, or looking up an appropriate therapist's office number, or researching sliding-scale costs.
Those are just ideas; you're in charge of deciding what is the best next step and doing it. And you can do it.
posted by Elsa at 11:26 AM on July 19, 2013
Look at that: you're already doing well at recognizing what that goal means to you and breaking down it down into its component parts. Well done!
So what's your next step? (You don't have to answer that here. I'm posing the question for you, not for us.) It might be researching what kind of therapy you think will work best for you, or asking around (maybe here at AskMe) for a good therapist in your area, or looking up an appropriate therapist's office number, or researching sliding-scale costs.
Those are just ideas; you're in charge of deciding what is the best next step and doing it. And you can do it.
posted by Elsa at 11:26 AM on July 19, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
Welcome to the Ask side of MetaFilter! You didn't do anything wrong. You're doing great.
You sound like a stereotypical depression sufferer. One of the go-to responses on AskMeta, as you'll hopefully soon see, is "get therapy." Or at least "see a doctor and get a prescription." Ultimately, this is about getting your head in the right place. If you don't have sufficient medical coverage, then your question is actually "how can I get access to affordable mental health services." I hope you will get help.
posted by Nomyte at 12:17 AM on July 8, 2013 [5 favorites]