I feel lonely
July 8, 2013 12:41 AM Subscribe
I've moved to Tokyo a couple of months ago for grad school and while I love it, I was suddenly overcome by a wave of severe loneliness and homesickness last week, and it won't go away.
Also, when I came here, I finally found a boyfriend (I was single for the first 24 years of my life), but lately, he just makes me feel lonelier than I already am...
Don't get me wrong, I love grad school (although it is tough) and I've met so many amazing people. I feel like Luna Lovegood felt about Dumbledore's Army, if you've read Harry Potter. I'm not the weird kid anymore, I have classmates that accept me and even like me. Sometimes that alone seems like a miracle to me. I'm still struggling a little to have normal relationships, but I think I'm doing pretty well given my history, and I have found people I can genuinely consider my friends.
For the first month after coming here, I lived with a German friend (I'm German as well, in case you were wondering about my English) until I could move into my own place. I had purposely chosen something a little off the city center because I need quiet, but it turned out that the place I ended up with had noisy neighbours and isn't all that quiet at all, so I'm considering moving. I know my budget better now and I could afford a place closer to university, which is where I think I want to move now because also, the two students I share my academic supervisor with (let's call them Ron and Hermione) both live there and do everything from studying to jogging together, and I feel left out. They're not excluding me on purpose, I think - they're both very nice -, it just seems like a logistic problem because I live an hour off campus. And even if they won't let me join them (they've recently started dating, it seems), a lot of people from my grad school live close to our university, as does my boyfriend.
He has offered to bring me food and medicine last month when I was sick, but when I was homesick last week and posted Facebook updates like "Why can't I stop crying?", nothing. I texted him an "I miss you" yesterday and his reply was a "yeah I was thinking about you too, let's do our best with school work". When I was so homesick I cried last weekend, I considered picking up the phone to call him and ask him to come over, but then remembered he told me he was busy and decided against it, which led to more crying because I felt so damn lonely. Apparently it was stupid of me to think that I'd never be lonely again once I had a boyfriend...
He stayed over from Friday night to Saturday morning, and after he'd left, this whole episode of gut-wrenching loneliness started. I have a very long weekend starting Friday at noon and no classes on Mondays, so I usually sit around in my apartment alone and do school work (or not) and skype with my family at night.
I've always thought I liked being alone because I love to just read or watch TV, but now when I think of the long weekends I spent in the middle of this small area where I know no one, I feel sick. I don't even know if moving will fix this, because even with more friends around, I'd still go back to an empty apartment at night. My boyfriend can't stay over more than once a week, and I've tried to look for a roommate but wasn't successful. (Or well, I don't want to move in with a stranger.)
I guess my questions are:
1) How can I cope with this loneliness?
2) How can I get emotional support from the boyfriend without disturbing his busy schedule?
Thank you in advance for your insights!
Don't get me wrong, I love grad school (although it is tough) and I've met so many amazing people. I feel like Luna Lovegood felt about Dumbledore's Army, if you've read Harry Potter. I'm not the weird kid anymore, I have classmates that accept me and even like me. Sometimes that alone seems like a miracle to me. I'm still struggling a little to have normal relationships, but I think I'm doing pretty well given my history, and I have found people I can genuinely consider my friends.
For the first month after coming here, I lived with a German friend (I'm German as well, in case you were wondering about my English) until I could move into my own place. I had purposely chosen something a little off the city center because I need quiet, but it turned out that the place I ended up with had noisy neighbours and isn't all that quiet at all, so I'm considering moving. I know my budget better now and I could afford a place closer to university, which is where I think I want to move now because also, the two students I share my academic supervisor with (let's call them Ron and Hermione) both live there and do everything from studying to jogging together, and I feel left out. They're not excluding me on purpose, I think - they're both very nice -, it just seems like a logistic problem because I live an hour off campus. And even if they won't let me join them (they've recently started dating, it seems), a lot of people from my grad school live close to our university, as does my boyfriend.
He has offered to bring me food and medicine last month when I was sick, but when I was homesick last week and posted Facebook updates like "Why can't I stop crying?", nothing. I texted him an "I miss you" yesterday and his reply was a "yeah I was thinking about you too, let's do our best with school work". When I was so homesick I cried last weekend, I considered picking up the phone to call him and ask him to come over, but then remembered he told me he was busy and decided against it, which led to more crying because I felt so damn lonely. Apparently it was stupid of me to think that I'd never be lonely again once I had a boyfriend...
He stayed over from Friday night to Saturday morning, and after he'd left, this whole episode of gut-wrenching loneliness started. I have a very long weekend starting Friday at noon and no classes on Mondays, so I usually sit around in my apartment alone and do school work (or not) and skype with my family at night.
I've always thought I liked being alone because I love to just read or watch TV, but now when I think of the long weekends I spent in the middle of this small area where I know no one, I feel sick. I don't even know if moving will fix this, because even with more friends around, I'd still go back to an empty apartment at night. My boyfriend can't stay over more than once a week, and I've tried to look for a roommate but wasn't successful. (Or well, I don't want to move in with a stranger.)
I guess my questions are:
1) How can I cope with this loneliness?
2) How can I get emotional support from the boyfriend without disturbing his busy schedule?
Thank you in advance for your insights!
Best answer: As a long term expat, I feel your pain. I can't answer about your boyfriend, but it seems to me like you haven't really explained to him your exact feelings. He isn't a psychic, so if I were you, I would tell him precisely what you are feeling and then he will either help or not. At least you will know where you stand, then.
Also, move closer to campus to be around your fellow students. Try to get involved in different activities that will fill up your free time and allow you to meet even more people to help you deal with your feelings.
And honestly, it gets better. I know it seems like a crummy thing to say right now, but if you hang in there you will become more comfortable with your new life and will soon forget you even had this adjustment period.
posted by Literaryhero at 1:15 AM on July 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
Also, move closer to campus to be around your fellow students. Try to get involved in different activities that will fill up your free time and allow you to meet even more people to help you deal with your feelings.
And honestly, it gets better. I know it seems like a crummy thing to say right now, but if you hang in there you will become more comfortable with your new life and will soon forget you even had this adjustment period.
posted by Literaryhero at 1:15 AM on July 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
(1) A couple of months in to any big move, ESPECIALLY an international one, is a very, very common time to have the gut-wrenching homesickness and loneliness you're experiencing. I've done it twice moving abroad in different situations, and yeah, it sucks. In the first case I was able to tell myself that it was only temporary (just a six month semester abroad), and in the second case it was just a matter of adjusting over time -- a year later, the feelings come back sometimes, just not as intensely or for as long. The best advice I can offer, which is not comprehensive, is to find something that gets you out of the house, doing something other than work, at least once a week. For me it's horseback riding. Hasn't made me any new friends to hang out with, but at least the people at the barn (and the horses!) are super nice and know me and interact with me and chat with me and it's amazing how much it can matter to you to know that someone where you are right now gives a crap whether you show up on any given day.
If nothing else, just know that these feelings are really, really common.
(2) It sort of sounds like this is not the emotionally supportive boyfriend you are looking for.
But if you want him to be I would maybe let him know you need support in a manner other than passive-aggressively updating your FB and hoping he notices and reacts the way you want him to.
posted by olinerd at 1:16 AM on July 8, 2013 [11 favorites]
If nothing else, just know that these feelings are really, really common.
(2) It sort of sounds like this is not the emotionally supportive boyfriend you are looking for.
But if you want him to be I would maybe let him know you need support in a manner other than passive-aggressively updating your FB and hoping he notices and reacts the way you want him to.
posted by olinerd at 1:16 AM on July 8, 2013 [11 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you for your answers! I guess some of this may really be the adjustment... It's hard to tell now while I'm in the middle of it, but I guess all I can do is hang in and persevere until it either gets better or... I don't know.
So I will move closer to campus (yeah, moving again - I've already moved four times this year) and hope that those friends who said if I did they'd invite themselves for dinner will really do that.
As for the boyfriend, he just started a chat with me on Facebook. My previous status updates weren't meant to be passive-aggressive, I was really just venting, but now I became a little, um, bitchy after he just messaged me his German homework to correct. He did end up asking if I was okay, though, and I started pouring my heart out. He even apologised for not noticing my clue, which is when I realised how ridiculous I was being expecting him to read my mind. He told me to just tell him what I want him to do, which I really appreciate, but I guess in the end, I won't really be the girl calling him sobbing, telling him to invest an hour of his time to come see me and pat me on the head and then another hour to go home again...
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:29 AM on July 8, 2013
So I will move closer to campus (yeah, moving again - I've already moved four times this year) and hope that those friends who said if I did they'd invite themselves for dinner will really do that.
As for the boyfriend, he just started a chat with me on Facebook. My previous status updates weren't meant to be passive-aggressive, I was really just venting, but now I became a little, um, bitchy after he just messaged me his German homework to correct. He did end up asking if I was okay, though, and I started pouring my heart out. He even apologised for not noticing my clue, which is when I realised how ridiculous I was being expecting him to read my mind. He told me to just tell him what I want him to do, which I really appreciate, but I guess in the end, I won't really be the girl calling him sobbing, telling him to invest an hour of his time to come see me and pat me on the head and then another hour to go home again...
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:29 AM on July 8, 2013
I've had some experience studying abroad (went to Canada from Japan) and understand what you mean by feeling incredibly lonely and homesick, esp. since you say you've only been here for a couple of months. Living by yourself in a foreign country can be isolating, I know.
So my take on your first question is, give it a year. At least. Two months must feel like ages to you right now, but it's really no time at all.
And during this year, I think you should teach yourself to handle those feelings on your own, and not expect other people to ease them for you. Get out more. Do stuff by yourself. Have you popped into a ramen place by yourself yet? Or to a rotating sushi place? Been to the Tokyo Skytree? To the Ueno Zoo to see the pandas? Have you seen the "life-sized" Gundam figure in Odaiba? I don't know where you live right now, but have you taken walks in some of the popular areas of Tokyo like Kichijoji and Shimokitazawa, or the snug narrow alleys in areas like Yanaka? Have you gone to seen any live bands? No? Then get yourself out there! Honestly, there are stuff going on around Tokyo every day that you will never run out of things to do. And it's not weird to do these things by yourself if your boyfriend is busy that day.
Good luck! Come to a meetup if you can. Tokyo (and Chiba!) MeFites are a friendly bunch if I say so myself!
posted by misozaki at 1:34 AM on July 8, 2013 [7 favorites]
So my take on your first question is, give it a year. At least. Two months must feel like ages to you right now, but it's really no time at all.
And during this year, I think you should teach yourself to handle those feelings on your own, and not expect other people to ease them for you. Get out more. Do stuff by yourself. Have you popped into a ramen place by yourself yet? Or to a rotating sushi place? Been to the Tokyo Skytree? To the Ueno Zoo to see the pandas? Have you seen the "life-sized" Gundam figure in Odaiba? I don't know where you live right now, but have you taken walks in some of the popular areas of Tokyo like Kichijoji and Shimokitazawa, or the snug narrow alleys in areas like Yanaka? Have you gone to seen any live bands? No? Then get yourself out there! Honestly, there are stuff going on around Tokyo every day that you will never run out of things to do. And it's not weird to do these things by yourself if your boyfriend is busy that day.
Good luck! Come to a meetup if you can. Tokyo (and Chiba!) MeFites are a friendly bunch if I say so myself!
posted by misozaki at 1:34 AM on July 8, 2013 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: Misozaki, thank you for your answer!
Actually, I should have clarified that this is the second time I'm living here, I did a one-year study abroad programme before.
Also, I do a lot of things alone. Even karaoke. I went on trips alone the last time as well, and concerts. I also do things with friends - it's not like I'm completely relying on my boyfriend now. But grad school means less time to go out, plus I have an erratic work schedule (I babysit), so it's hard to arrange meetings. I'm not usually this girl who sits at home thinking of her boyfriend sighing for hours, but I feel homesick and stressed and lonely and while I don't want to rely on someone too much, I feel like why shouldn't it, isn't one of the benefits of having a boyfriend having a shoulder to cry on? And then my inner independent soul starts scolding me for that and I start feeling so torn that I don't know whether to pick up the phone and call him or just cry by myself because this train of thought made me feel even lonelier than before...
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:43 AM on July 8, 2013
Actually, I should have clarified that this is the second time I'm living here, I did a one-year study abroad programme before.
Also, I do a lot of things alone. Even karaoke. I went on trips alone the last time as well, and concerts. I also do things with friends - it's not like I'm completely relying on my boyfriend now. But grad school means less time to go out, plus I have an erratic work schedule (I babysit), so it's hard to arrange meetings. I'm not usually this girl who sits at home thinking of her boyfriend sighing for hours, but I feel homesick and stressed and lonely and while I don't want to rely on someone too much, I feel like why shouldn't it, isn't one of the benefits of having a boyfriend having a shoulder to cry on? And then my inner independent soul starts scolding me for that and I start feeling so torn that I don't know whether to pick up the phone and call him or just cry by myself because this train of thought made me feel even lonelier than before...
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:43 AM on July 8, 2013
Best answer: "Why can't I stop crying?" ... I guess some of this may really be the adjustment
Probably. And it's not a coincidence that situational depression (i.e. depression induced by obvious stressors) is also called adjustment disorder.
So you might try doing things that are good for situational depression: avoid triggering thoughts, get good sleep at appropriate times, use exercise (lots of exercise) both as a way of focusing on something other than the thoughts that bother you and as a way to ensure you're tired out at the end of the day, remind yourself it's OK and normal to feel this way and that it'll improve gradually with time, keep a daily log just of positive things going on and take a few moments once a week to note what worked best and plan to repeat it, etc.
I sympathize with what you're going through, and I suspect the worst of it will resolve within a few months. If it turns out you're also a bit of an existential loner after that, it's a separate issue, but one you'll be in a stronger position to understand and cope with after having gone through this.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 1:58 AM on July 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
Probably. And it's not a coincidence that situational depression (i.e. depression induced by obvious stressors) is also called adjustment disorder.
So you might try doing things that are good for situational depression: avoid triggering thoughts, get good sleep at appropriate times, use exercise (lots of exercise) both as a way of focusing on something other than the thoughts that bother you and as a way to ensure you're tired out at the end of the day, remind yourself it's OK and normal to feel this way and that it'll improve gradually with time, keep a daily log just of positive things going on and take a few moments once a week to note what worked best and plan to repeat it, etc.
I sympathize with what you're going through, and I suspect the worst of it will resolve within a few months. If it turns out you're also a bit of an existential loner after that, it's a separate issue, but one you'll be in a stronger position to understand and cope with after having gone through this.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 1:58 AM on July 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
Hoo boy. Great answers here but I would like to add: I recall being in situations very like yours in decades past and yearning and longing and then eventually making a decision to cut the journey short for some supposed love interest back home. Boy, do I regret it now. Those love interests wxed and waned but the memories of the trips never leave me. YMMV.
posted by telstar at 2:27 AM on July 8, 2013
posted by telstar at 2:27 AM on July 8, 2013
Best answer: First off, I need to say please stop putting yourself down about your feelings right now. I think your emotional state is perfectly natural and understandable because there isn't a single issue that you are struggling with, there are several different and colliding issues that would each be at least somewhat overwhelming for most people. It might help to separate them out:
Homesickness (which is different from loneliness)
Moving stress (moving, death and divorce are the three top major stressors )
Culture shock (even if this is not your first experience, it usually takes a couple of years or more, in my experience, to become comfortably acclimated)
Loneliness (the regular kind)
New relationship stress (also, completely normal)
Wow. That's a lot, isn't it? Some things you need to "power through" to some degree and some things will just take their own time to resolve. The homesickness is not a thing that you can reason your way out of, so you do what you can by staying in touch and just working through that. The feeling of being unsettled will begin to get better when you find a place that suits you better and it begins to become "home" to you. Loneliness can be combated with a combination of seeking your friends and activity groups as well as you can, and perhaps having an interest or hobby that is very absorbing, and/or also exposes you to new people with the same interest. But really, it seems you are already well on the way to establishing a great social circle, and moving to a more congenial location will help this a lot.
I personally wouldn't jump to a roommate situation if I didn't have to at this point, because it would basically be another item on the stress list (adjusting to day-to-day life with another person).
With the boyfriend, you've both now established that you need to let him know more specifically when you need more support, and you can definitely do that without becoming clingy. As time passes it will become more clear if you two click in the ways that are important to both of you, but you guys have done well to address the more-communication thing at this point, and there's nothing weird about having doubts or concerns about these things in early stages. It's important to understand, though, that he cannot take away the sadness of all the different items I listed above, so you should enjoy your time with him without feeling guilty, sorry or disappointed that you still feel some sadness; eating does not make your thirst go away, and boyfriend-time will not make homesickness go away, for example. It will be easier if you don't feel like you are doing something wrong (or he is) if you still feel some sadness and anxiety.
I was with my husband nearly 24 hours a day when I moved to his country, and I still needed to go through my own stages of feeling homesick and lonely. How could I feel lonely with my best friend, lover and soul mate beside me nearly all the time? Because he is all those things, and I love him with all my heart, but he isn't the antidote to every feeling of loss, grief, or stress I will ever have. He makes my world so much better, but he can't be responsible for all my happiness. It's okay that you feel the way you feel, and I think that just accepting that it's okay will make it easier to find your way through these completely normal emotions. Good luck, and please be kind to yourself!
posted by taz at 2:27 AM on July 8, 2013 [8 favorites]
Homesickness (which is different from loneliness)
Moving stress (moving, death and divorce are the three top major stressors )
Culture shock (even if this is not your first experience, it usually takes a couple of years or more, in my experience, to become comfortably acclimated)
Loneliness (the regular kind)
New relationship stress (also, completely normal)
Wow. That's a lot, isn't it? Some things you need to "power through" to some degree and some things will just take their own time to resolve. The homesickness is not a thing that you can reason your way out of, so you do what you can by staying in touch and just working through that. The feeling of being unsettled will begin to get better when you find a place that suits you better and it begins to become "home" to you. Loneliness can be combated with a combination of seeking your friends and activity groups as well as you can, and perhaps having an interest or hobby that is very absorbing, and/or also exposes you to new people with the same interest. But really, it seems you are already well on the way to establishing a great social circle, and moving to a more congenial location will help this a lot.
I personally wouldn't jump to a roommate situation if I didn't have to at this point, because it would basically be another item on the stress list (adjusting to day-to-day life with another person).
With the boyfriend, you've both now established that you need to let him know more specifically when you need more support, and you can definitely do that without becoming clingy. As time passes it will become more clear if you two click in the ways that are important to both of you, but you guys have done well to address the more-communication thing at this point, and there's nothing weird about having doubts or concerns about these things in early stages. It's important to understand, though, that he cannot take away the sadness of all the different items I listed above, so you should enjoy your time with him without feeling guilty, sorry or disappointed that you still feel some sadness; eating does not make your thirst go away, and boyfriend-time will not make homesickness go away, for example. It will be easier if you don't feel like you are doing something wrong (or he is) if you still feel some sadness and anxiety.
I was with my husband nearly 24 hours a day when I moved to his country, and I still needed to go through my own stages of feeling homesick and lonely. How could I feel lonely with my best friend, lover and soul mate beside me nearly all the time? Because he is all those things, and I love him with all my heart, but he isn't the antidote to every feeling of loss, grief, or stress I will ever have. He makes my world so much better, but he can't be responsible for all my happiness. It's okay that you feel the way you feel, and I think that just accepting that it's okay will make it easier to find your way through these completely normal emotions. Good luck, and please be kind to yourself!
posted by taz at 2:27 AM on July 8, 2013 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: telstar, I don't have any love interest back home, so I don't think that will happen. If anything, I might feel tempted to go back home to my family, but they probably won't let me do that before I finish my degree, so don't worry.
taz, thank you so much for your answer! The way you put it makes it seem pretty natural to cause stress. A lot of the things you said make so, so much sense.
I'm trying not to rely on the boyfriend too much (don't want him running away if all he ever gets is to hear me cry and complain), but it's hard to find a healthy middle of shutting him out completely and unloading all my baggage on him. This is probably my lack of relationship experience...
I guess I'll just busy myself with classes and work and try to do fun things whenever I have time - anything that prevents me from thinking too much. I still hate coming home to an empty room - you are probably right when you say I need to make myself a home.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 2:44 AM on July 8, 2013
taz, thank you so much for your answer! The way you put it makes it seem pretty natural to cause stress. A lot of the things you said make so, so much sense.
I'm trying not to rely on the boyfriend too much (don't want him running away if all he ever gets is to hear me cry and complain), but it's hard to find a healthy middle of shutting him out completely and unloading all my baggage on him. This is probably my lack of relationship experience...
I guess I'll just busy myself with classes and work and try to do fun things whenever I have time - anything that prevents me from thinking too much. I still hate coming home to an empty room - you are probably right when you say I need to make myself a home.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 2:44 AM on July 8, 2013
My best friend in college was an international student, and I remember being fascinated by the resources the university gave him to help him deal with culture shock. One thing I was really surprised to learn was that culture shock comes in distinct waves, and the hardest part ("hostility phase", aka "negotiation phase") tends to come 2-3 months in, after one seems to have adapted successfully to the new environment ("honeymoon phase"). It sounds like this may be hitting you now; perhaps knowing its source will help you to get through it. I'd suggest reading up on culture shock and seeking out specific advice for dealing with it. Some particularly relevant advice from the link above:
Be aware of the symptoms. Once you realize you are experiencing culture shock, you can then take steps to deal with it.
Develop friendships with both Americans and people from your own country. At times the friendships with culturally different people will seem very taxing. That is why it is important to have people from your own country or area to spend time with also. This helps you re-energize for interacting cross-culturally. However, isolation in either group alone causes more adjustment problems.
Talk to people from your country about your stresses and ask how they have dealt with the same situation.
Find a place where you feel comfortable and spend time there.
When problems seem to be building up, mentally step back from them. Divide your problems up, understand each one, and work on them one at a time.
posted by ourobouros at 4:07 AM on July 8, 2013 [4 favorites]
Be aware of the symptoms. Once you realize you are experiencing culture shock, you can then take steps to deal with it.
Develop friendships with both Americans and people from your own country. At times the friendships with culturally different people will seem very taxing. That is why it is important to have people from your own country or area to spend time with also. This helps you re-energize for interacting cross-culturally. However, isolation in either group alone causes more adjustment problems.
Talk to people from your country about your stresses and ask how they have dealt with the same situation.
Find a place where you feel comfortable and spend time there.
When problems seem to be building up, mentally step back from them. Divide your problems up, understand each one, and work on them one at a time.
posted by ourobouros at 4:07 AM on July 8, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm trying not to rely on the boyfriend too much (don't want him running away if all he ever gets is to hear me cry and complain), but it's hard to find a healthy middle of shutting him out completely and unloading all my baggage on him. This is probably my lack of relationship experience..
A healthy and much more satisfying medium is for you also to have friends to share these feelings with so you're not holding it all in and a gentle "are you OK?" doesn't unleash an hour of weeping on his shoulder. Many other people at your university are likely experiencing similar feelings.
I've tried to look for a roommate but wasn't successful. (Or well, I don't want to move in with a stranger.)
Could you reconsider that? In a university town in a new country I would think that pretty much everyone is strangers ... and that's how you meet/get to know people.
So I will move closer to campus (yeah, moving again - I've already moved four times this year) and hope that those friends who said if I did they'd invite themselves for dinner will really do that
Don't hope it happens. Make it happen. This is your social life, you're in charge of it. Have a dinner party, invite people over.
posted by headnsouth at 4:18 AM on July 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
A healthy and much more satisfying medium is for you also to have friends to share these feelings with so you're not holding it all in and a gentle "are you OK?" doesn't unleash an hour of weeping on his shoulder. Many other people at your university are likely experiencing similar feelings.
I've tried to look for a roommate but wasn't successful. (Or well, I don't want to move in with a stranger.)
Could you reconsider that? In a university town in a new country I would think that pretty much everyone is strangers ... and that's how you meet/get to know people.
So I will move closer to campus (yeah, moving again - I've already moved four times this year) and hope that those friends who said if I did they'd invite themselves for dinner will really do that
Don't hope it happens. Make it happen. This is your social life, you're in charge of it. Have a dinner party, invite people over.
posted by headnsouth at 4:18 AM on July 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: ourobouros: Thank you, but I don't really think culture shock is my problem at the moment, or at least not a very big one.
headnsouth: I am talking to friend, of course, but most of them are Japanese (aka they live in their home country) or come from countries not that far away so they can go home much more easily. Or they're like my boyfriend and don't really miss their familes much...
I will not live together with someone I don't know. I lived in a dorm the last time I was here, and it was horrible. People were loud, dirty and rude. If my neighbour back then had been my roommate, I would have killed myself (or her.)
I will invite lots of people, then. Thank you for reminding me of that possibility!
posted by LoonyLovegood at 5:34 AM on July 8, 2013
headnsouth: I am talking to friend, of course, but most of them are Japanese (aka they live in their home country) or come from countries not that far away so they can go home much more easily. Or they're like my boyfriend and don't really miss their familes much...
I will not live together with someone I don't know. I lived in a dorm the last time I was here, and it was horrible. People were loud, dirty and rude. If my neighbour back then had been my roommate, I would have killed myself (or her.)
I will invite lots of people, then. Thank you for reminding me of that possibility!
posted by LoonyLovegood at 5:34 AM on July 8, 2013
I'm sorry you're feeling crappy right now.
Regarding your facebook post - you said you "posted Facebook updates like "Why can't I stop crying?" and were sad that your boyfriend did not respond. Don't do that. Update your facebook however you want to, but don't use it as a way to communicate with a specific person or to ask to have your needs met. Instead, try calling/ texting him something along the lines of, "Hey, I'm feeling really down right now. Are you free to hang out later today?" Tell your boyfriend how you are feeling directly, and if there's something specific he can do to help (spend time with you, listen to you vent, study together, etc) - ask him!
posted by insectosaurus at 7:01 AM on July 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
Regarding your facebook post - you said you "posted Facebook updates like "Why can't I stop crying?" and were sad that your boyfriend did not respond. Don't do that. Update your facebook however you want to, but don't use it as a way to communicate with a specific person or to ask to have your needs met. Instead, try calling/ texting him something along the lines of, "Hey, I'm feeling really down right now. Are you free to hang out later today?" Tell your boyfriend how you are feeling directly, and if there's something specific he can do to help (spend time with you, listen to you vent, study together, etc) - ask him!
posted by insectosaurus at 7:01 AM on July 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
Finding other expats can be a big help. If there is any kind of German community in Tokyo - and as large as Tokyo is, I'd be surprised if there isn't - just having people to talk to who are missing the same things as you are and have cultural commonalities with you can be so important when lonely and abroad.
Coming home to an empty apartment is much easier when you've filled your day with activities and talking to other people.
I hope things improve for you soon. Good luck!
posted by capricorn at 7:47 AM on July 8, 2013
Coming home to an empty apartment is much easier when you've filled your day with activities and talking to other people.
I hope things improve for you soon. Good luck!
posted by capricorn at 7:47 AM on July 8, 2013
Apparently it was stupid of me to think that I'd never be lonely again once I had a boyfriend...
It wasn't stupid of you to believe this; there's a lot of media invested in making people believe this. That said, it is a total and complete lie. Even if you someday marry and have many children, you will have times--maybe even many--when you feel lonely.
Your situation now is an ideal time to learn how to accept these moments and cope with them in a healthy way, because both graduate school and living as an expatriate can be INTENSELY lonely pursuits (just browse some of the grad school posts on ask mefi!)
Also, maybe there is a slight language barrier here, or maybe you're not the sort of person who ever cries, but you seem to be very upset by the fact that things have made you cry. Crying isn't the end of the world! I probably cry at least once every other day, and that's when I'm not depressed! You can make it through a bout of crying, even by yourself. It's not a sign of something unfixably awful. :)
posted by like_a_friend at 7:49 AM on July 8, 2013
It wasn't stupid of you to believe this; there's a lot of media invested in making people believe this. That said, it is a total and complete lie. Even if you someday marry and have many children, you will have times--maybe even many--when you feel lonely.
Your situation now is an ideal time to learn how to accept these moments and cope with them in a healthy way, because both graduate school and living as an expatriate can be INTENSELY lonely pursuits (just browse some of the grad school posts on ask mefi!)
Also, maybe there is a slight language barrier here, or maybe you're not the sort of person who ever cries, but you seem to be very upset by the fact that things have made you cry. Crying isn't the end of the world! I probably cry at least once every other day, and that's when I'm not depressed! You can make it through a bout of crying, even by yourself. It's not a sign of something unfixably awful. :)
posted by like_a_friend at 7:49 AM on July 8, 2013
Best answer: The excitement of moving is over and BAM homesickness and loneliness. I had a a horrible, horrible, case of this (curl up on the bed for days crying bad) after travelling to the US. I got hit hard by it, I always thought it was because I hadn't planned on staying in the US when I came here but having talked to other people about it apparently it's pretty common and the 3 to 4 month mark. It's OK to be sad, and to feel in a bit of shock, you have been through a lot, new country, new school, new relationship (and though you deny it, yes even culture shock) it's all new stimulus and though it's all good and exciting, your brain needs a bit of a time out to process all the emotions and experiences. I looked at the sadness as the brains way of going you sit here quietly for a while and cry to yourself while I process all of this new input.
Some of it you do just have to power through, and it does get better, it really does. I spoiled myself for few weeks, cooked a lot of familiar foods, hunted up missed tv shows, read familiar books. I also had a big long talk to my boyfriend about what I needed to feel at home and secure so I could relax and process everything. Getting out and meeting people helped. Are there any groups you can join at school? Maybe arrange to meet other grad students or some friends also from Germany? Talk to other people that have moved there from overseas about what you are feeling, if they are honest I am sure most of them will admit to having gone through the same thing.
I moved from Australia to the US, 2 countries that couldn't be more similar if they tried and I still experienced mental exhaustion at all the little cultural changes so despite your protests and even if you like the changes, I'd be really surprised if you aren't going through a bit of culture shock.
posted by wwax at 8:19 AM on July 8, 2013
Some of it you do just have to power through, and it does get better, it really does. I spoiled myself for few weeks, cooked a lot of familiar foods, hunted up missed tv shows, read familiar books. I also had a big long talk to my boyfriend about what I needed to feel at home and secure so I could relax and process everything. Getting out and meeting people helped. Are there any groups you can join at school? Maybe arrange to meet other grad students or some friends also from Germany? Talk to other people that have moved there from overseas about what you are feeling, if they are honest I am sure most of them will admit to having gone through the same thing.
I moved from Australia to the US, 2 countries that couldn't be more similar if they tried and I still experienced mental exhaustion at all the little cultural changes so despite your protests and even if you like the changes, I'd be really surprised if you aren't going through a bit of culture shock.
posted by wwax at 8:19 AM on July 8, 2013
I just wanted to second that homesickness/culture shock hit me HARD at the three-month mark when I moved abroad. It resolved, for me, in about a month, but during that time I hated everything about my host country. I think it's the brain's way of coming to grips with the new environment, once all the "ooh shiny new!" excitement has worn off a bit. I really suspect that if you give it time, it'll pass and you'll be happy there again.
posted by jaguar at 8:41 AM on July 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by jaguar at 8:41 AM on July 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
1) posting facebook updates like "why can't I stop crying" is, imo, not a great way to get your needs met. It's easy to interpret that as passive-agressive or attention-seeking; maybe that bothers your boyfriend and that's why he didn't respond. If you're upset and want him to comfort you, telling him that directly might ve more effective...
2) however, based on his response to your text, I'm not so sure that he's able to offer you the support you need. Maybe he's got his own stuff going on, maybe he's not as invested, maybe he just doesn't do this stuff well.
At the end of the day lonliness is super difficult and, weirdly, we can't depend on other people to help us out of it. I find the only thing that helps me is to do something really vigorous and difficult so that I can't think- maybe something active so that I get the endorphins- something that's not going to give me a chance to wallow. Like rock climbing or digging a garden or singing in a choir.
posted by windykites at 10:30 AM on July 8, 2013
2) however, based on his response to your text, I'm not so sure that he's able to offer you the support you need. Maybe he's got his own stuff going on, maybe he's not as invested, maybe he just doesn't do this stuff well.
At the end of the day lonliness is super difficult and, weirdly, we can't depend on other people to help us out of it. I find the only thing that helps me is to do something really vigorous and difficult so that I can't think- maybe something active so that I get the endorphins- something that's not going to give me a chance to wallow. Like rock climbing or digging a garden or singing in a choir.
posted by windykites at 10:30 AM on July 8, 2013
Are you interested in and able to get a pet? Like a cat, maybe? They can really take the edge off an experience like this and help you find that center of self-sufficiency and satisfaction that homesickness seems to undo.
posted by batmonkey at 11:31 AM on July 8, 2013
posted by batmonkey at 11:31 AM on July 8, 2013
Best answer: I moved to a new city to attend graduate school and it was hard on me too, as I was commuting 1.5 hours to school. I ended up doing and dealing with a lot of things on my own and I was really missing the support that proximity might have provided. It took me a while before I began to feel comfortable -- I was never homesick, but I just felt out of sorts, out of my element/comfort zone, and frequently bored and lonely. So like others who've posted here, I can relate!
I do think you need to articulate your loneliness/what would help more. Just because everyone may not be able to relate to your feelings doesn't make them any less valid, and people who care for you generally want to be there for you when you're down. Your boyfriend can be supportive from a distance (phone or online) or perhaps you could meet halfway; your friends could invite you to hang out more when you're on campus or recommend someone they know who might make a good roommate; people could come shopping with you for things that will make your place feel more home-y, etc.
posted by sm1tten at 12:27 PM on July 8, 2013
I do think you need to articulate your loneliness/what would help more. Just because everyone may not be able to relate to your feelings doesn't make them any less valid, and people who care for you generally want to be there for you when you're down. Your boyfriend can be supportive from a distance (phone or online) or perhaps you could meet halfway; your friends could invite you to hang out more when you're on campus or recommend someone they know who might make a good roommate; people could come shopping with you for things that will make your place feel more home-y, etc.
posted by sm1tten at 12:27 PM on July 8, 2013
Best answer: It's not stupid to think that you wouldn't feel lonely with a boyfriend. That is a cultural script that is sold really, really hard, and it's bullshit. The loneliest I've ever felt was lying in bed with an ex-boyfriend. You can feel lonely in a crowded room. Being lonely is a state of mind, not a state of being. And moving to a new place is a recipe for a year or so of intense loneliness. You are normal, and it's okay to feel the feelings. Cry if you need to cry.
Passive aggressive facebooking is a bad idea, and I don't know if it's fair to judge your boyfriend harshly for not being supportive. He's your boyfriend, not your therapist. Does your school offer mental health services? Therapy isn't just for people with "problems," it's a great place to talk things out and not have to lean on your loved ones so much. (Not sure if talk therapy is a thing in Japan, though).
And while I know you need quiet, I think you're underestimating how much better you might feel if you live closer to your friends and school. Even if you don't see people that much more often, feeling geographically isolated sucks. It's weird, huh?
posted by ablazingsaddle at 2:30 PM on July 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Passive aggressive facebooking is a bad idea, and I don't know if it's fair to judge your boyfriend harshly for not being supportive. He's your boyfriend, not your therapist. Does your school offer mental health services? Therapy isn't just for people with "problems," it's a great place to talk things out and not have to lean on your loved ones so much. (Not sure if talk therapy is a thing in Japan, though).
And while I know you need quiet, I think you're underestimating how much better you might feel if you live closer to your friends and school. Even if you don't see people that much more often, feeling geographically isolated sucks. It's weird, huh?
posted by ablazingsaddle at 2:30 PM on July 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
If it makes you feel any better, I am an American who studied abroad in Germany, and that was quite the adjustment for me, after I had had about 3 years of studying the language. I felt like such a stranger, especially when I couldn't bag my own groceries fast enough (in America, cashiers do that) and the German cashiers would look at me like I was a moron and push my things away from the register as they rang up the next person and give me a steely "Auf Wiedersehen" that sounded like they would rather see their dog throw up than deal with my stupidity again.
It took me a while to adjust to Deutschland, and to see the beauty in all of it. I spent a lot of time feeling very unhappy and lonely, just like you describe. My recommendation for you is to immerse yourself in discovery - do something, anything that gets you outside, exploring Japan, and away from your emotions. Emotions are all very well, but sometimes you have to just let them float right by you and not engage them too much. When you're an Auslaenderin and away from all those native culture things that distract you from your emotions, it's much more difficult.
Get a journal. Start a blog. Take a TON of pictures. Get a ton of guidebooks, and give yourself a schedule to stick to, and explore your heart out. My time in Germany ended up being one of the most enriching experiences of my life, even though some large swaths of it sucked.
Feel free to message me.
posted by Unangenehm at 3:16 PM on July 8, 2013
It took me a while to adjust to Deutschland, and to see the beauty in all of it. I spent a lot of time feeling very unhappy and lonely, just like you describe. My recommendation for you is to immerse yourself in discovery - do something, anything that gets you outside, exploring Japan, and away from your emotions. Emotions are all very well, but sometimes you have to just let them float right by you and not engage them too much. When you're an Auslaenderin and away from all those native culture things that distract you from your emotions, it's much more difficult.
Get a journal. Start a blog. Take a TON of pictures. Get a ton of guidebooks, and give yourself a schedule to stick to, and explore your heart out. My time in Germany ended up being one of the most enriching experiences of my life, even though some large swaths of it sucked.
Feel free to message me.
posted by Unangenehm at 3:16 PM on July 8, 2013
Response by poster: Thank you for all your answers!
I want to clarify that I didn't post the things I did on Facebook to be passive-agressive. I just always hesitate to call up one specific person, so I post something on Facebook and whoever has time responds to it. Some friends have told me to hang out in response to my posts concerning my loneliness, so that was good.
As for the boyfriend, he told me I should really just call him anytime I need him. I still don't know if I'll be able to do that, because who the hell wants a needy girlfriend, but I'll try.
As for the crying: I don't usually cry much, I think. In fact, the last time I cried before this was when I came here in late March and wanted to go straight back home because I was so overwhelmed. (Oh, and the single tear I shed at the last concert of my favourite band before they split up in May.) So if I do cry, something's usually really wrong and that scares me a little.
As for your suggestions to cope with the loneliness:
I would love a pet, but most places don't allow them, plus my childhood cat died last year and I'm not ready for a new one. :/
I have decided to move closer to campus and will see some places today, actually.
Grad school and work don't allow for much exploring or joining a lot of activities (especially because all that costs money as well), and it's not as if Japan is new to me, either. What I want the most now is just to hang out with friends, even if it's just studying in the same room. I guess when I think about it, this can probably be arranged.
Thank you so much for all your answers!
PS: Unangenehm, yes, Germans can be rather rude. I apologize for that. I'm glad you liked Germany, though, despite its weaknesses.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 4:02 PM on July 8, 2013
I want to clarify that I didn't post the things I did on Facebook to be passive-agressive. I just always hesitate to call up one specific person, so I post something on Facebook and whoever has time responds to it. Some friends have told me to hang out in response to my posts concerning my loneliness, so that was good.
As for the boyfriend, he told me I should really just call him anytime I need him. I still don't know if I'll be able to do that, because who the hell wants a needy girlfriend, but I'll try.
As for the crying: I don't usually cry much, I think. In fact, the last time I cried before this was when I came here in late March and wanted to go straight back home because I was so overwhelmed. (Oh, and the single tear I shed at the last concert of my favourite band before they split up in May.) So if I do cry, something's usually really wrong and that scares me a little.
As for your suggestions to cope with the loneliness:
I would love a pet, but most places don't allow them, plus my childhood cat died last year and I'm not ready for a new one. :/
I have decided to move closer to campus and will see some places today, actually.
Grad school and work don't allow for much exploring or joining a lot of activities (especially because all that costs money as well), and it's not as if Japan is new to me, either. What I want the most now is just to hang out with friends, even if it's just studying in the same room. I guess when I think about it, this can probably be arranged.
Thank you so much for all your answers!
PS: Unangenehm, yes, Germans can be rather rude. I apologize for that. I'm glad you liked Germany, though, despite its weaknesses.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 4:02 PM on July 8, 2013
lots of good advice here, also,
"my boyfriend lives an hour away from me"
translates to, both of you could make a trip and meet somewhere in like 30 minutes.
my boyfriend lives an hour away from me, and if I really want or need to see him, I have to travel that hour to him sometimes if he's busy.
posted by euphoria066 at 4:03 PM on July 8, 2013
"my boyfriend lives an hour away from me"
translates to, both of you could make a trip and meet somewhere in like 30 minutes.
my boyfriend lives an hour away from me, and if I really want or need to see him, I have to travel that hour to him sometimes if he's busy.
posted by euphoria066 at 4:03 PM on July 8, 2013
Response by poster: euphoria, I know we could do that, but this is Japan where you can't be affectionate in public, so if I want a hug, there's only my place... (He lives in a dorm where non-residents can't enter.)
posted by LoonyLovegood at 4:05 PM on July 8, 2013
posted by LoonyLovegood at 4:05 PM on July 8, 2013
I just always hesitate to call up one specific person, so I post something on Facebook and whoever has time responds to it.
This is an ineffective way to make connections with people. If you want to hang out with someone, call them up! Or text them! Don't just throw something out on the internet and hope that it sticks. Just cowgirl up and contact people individually. No one's going to be offended if you do. They'll probably be delighted.
What I want the most now is just to hang out with friends, even if it's just studying in the same room.
Set up a study group! When my old roommate was in grad school, she and her friends would hang out and study together at different people's houses all the time. They were too busy to hang out much but still wanted social interaction, so I guess that worked.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 4:30 PM on July 8, 2013
This is an ineffective way to make connections with people. If you want to hang out with someone, call them up! Or text them! Don't just throw something out on the internet and hope that it sticks. Just cowgirl up and contact people individually. No one's going to be offended if you do. They'll probably be delighted.
What I want the most now is just to hang out with friends, even if it's just studying in the same room.
Set up a study group! When my old roommate was in grad school, she and her friends would hang out and study together at different people's houses all the time. They were too busy to hang out much but still wanted social interaction, so I guess that worked.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 4:30 PM on July 8, 2013
Response by poster: ablazingsaddle, I know you're right. I guess I still haven't got it into my head that people don't hate me anymore.
And I will definitely try to set up a study group, hope it works!
posted by LoonyLovegood at 4:37 PM on July 8, 2013
And I will definitely try to set up a study group, hope it works!
posted by LoonyLovegood at 4:37 PM on July 8, 2013
Adding on to the study group suggestion, try study groups with people in related fields but not the same department. It can be handy to have perspective, and people you can blow off steam with.
Fun is important, especially because you're a new expat. Make sure your professors understand that not only is leisure time nice to have, it's a necessity to a) acculturate yourself and b) maintain mental health. It is unreasonable to expect someone to be successful with so many stressors and not enough downtime.
Try finding activity partners; there are lots of potential meetups out there.
It can be good to find a web forum specific to expats living in Tokyo. When I was living in Taiwan, I hung out a lot on Forumosa, which is the main such website for Taiwan. Forumosa has a German-specific sub-forum. TaiwanEase is another such forum, also with a German sub-forum. It looks like GaijinPot and JapanForum may be the equivalents for Japan, though I don't know for sure. People on Forumosa may be able to give you more suggestions.
posted by jiawen at 12:00 AM on July 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Fun is important, especially because you're a new expat. Make sure your professors understand that not only is leisure time nice to have, it's a necessity to a) acculturate yourself and b) maintain mental health. It is unreasonable to expect someone to be successful with so many stressors and not enough downtime.
Try finding activity partners; there are lots of potential meetups out there.
It can be good to find a web forum specific to expats living in Tokyo. When I was living in Taiwan, I hung out a lot on Forumosa, which is the main such website for Taiwan. Forumosa has a German-specific sub-forum. TaiwanEase is another such forum, also with a German sub-forum. It looks like GaijinPot and JapanForum may be the equivalents for Japan, though I don't know for sure. People on Forumosa may be able to give you more suggestions.
posted by jiawen at 12:00 AM on July 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I just noticed you were saying you can't be affectionate in public in Japan - the way the Japanese solve this is by going to a manga kissa and getting a booth. Karaoke boxes are another great place to get a room if you just want to get a hug - though they are way louder than manga kissa. Also, if you want some extra privacy for hugs or more, there is a reason love hotels are so very, very popular! (The reason is that it can be impossible to get privacy anywhere else.)
Speaking of hugs, if you're a cat person, you might benefit from a visit to a cat café.
Another thing you can do to deal with loneliness is - do you have any hobby? Any interest in some band or some music style or some anime? Because there will be a Japanese community for that thing, almost certainly, and as long as they are vaguely in your age group they will almost certainly be interested in meeting someone they can practice English with. The hobby or whatever would just be a way of getting in touch with them - that's one of the best ways I found of meeting people who would talk to me no matter what. "You like X? I love X! Isn't X wonderful?" is all it takes to have made a chat-with-regularly type friend.
Yet another idea is to do a language exchange or just offer to meet people and speak German or English with them. There should be notice boards and such at your university - there might already be people looking for language partners. It's a great way of distracting yourself for a bit and making human connections in your new country (which will hopefully make you feel less lonely).
posted by harujion at 1:17 PM on July 9, 2013
Speaking of hugs, if you're a cat person, you might benefit from a visit to a cat café.
Another thing you can do to deal with loneliness is - do you have any hobby? Any interest in some band or some music style or some anime? Because there will be a Japanese community for that thing, almost certainly, and as long as they are vaguely in your age group they will almost certainly be interested in meeting someone they can practice English with. The hobby or whatever would just be a way of getting in touch with them - that's one of the best ways I found of meeting people who would talk to me no matter what. "You like X? I love X! Isn't X wonderful?" is all it takes to have made a chat-with-regularly type friend.
Yet another idea is to do a language exchange or just offer to meet people and speak German or English with them. There should be notice boards and such at your university - there might already be people looking for language partners. It's a great way of distracting yourself for a bit and making human connections in your new country (which will hopefully make you feel less lonely).
posted by harujion at 1:17 PM on July 9, 2013
Response by poster: Thank you for all the suggestions! I know karaoke boxes etc., but it's gonna get easier once I move closer to him and university, so that doesn't really matter now.
It's not like I don't know enough people or have enough friends, I just started hating coming home to my empty apartment lately. And when I have fun with friends during the day, the nights just feel even lonelier.
I have one offer to share a flat, but it's a little far from my university (although closer than here), I don't know the girl and she'd probably not want my boyfriend to stay over, but we can't afford love hotels all the time (and him just coming over to hug me would be more difficult than when I lived near campus as well.)
At the moment, I just really, really want to go home to my family. :/
posted by LoonyLovegood at 5:18 AM on July 10, 2013
It's not like I don't know enough people or have enough friends, I just started hating coming home to my empty apartment lately. And when I have fun with friends during the day, the nights just feel even lonelier.
I have one offer to share a flat, but it's a little far from my university (although closer than here), I don't know the girl and she'd probably not want my boyfriend to stay over, but we can't afford love hotels all the time (and him just coming over to hug me would be more difficult than when I lived near campus as well.)
At the moment, I just really, really want to go home to my family. :/
posted by LoonyLovegood at 5:18 AM on July 10, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by mollymayhem at 1:12 AM on July 8, 2013 [3 favorites]