Talking about previous relationships?

July 1, 2013 6:34 PM

I'm curious about how people talk about their previous relationships when they're with their current partner. How do you gauge what's right to say and what is not?

When you're in a relationship, how do you talk about your exes? I am curious to know different personal points of view on this. (One reason that I ask is that I've been criticized for saying too much about my exes.)

Presumably every relationship reaches a point when you can just talk over issues like this honestly and decide what is right for both people. But I am interested in what standards people use before that point is reached.

Personally I think that talking about exes can be good sometimes. Discussing previous relationship events (esp. negative ones) that were learning experiences can be good. But I also know it's important to respect people's sensitivities. Some people would prefer to not think of their significant other being with another person. It can be hard to draw the line between what's beneficial and what's not.

Thoughts? Rules of thumb?

posted by turgai to Society & Culture (31 answers total)

Don't ask, don't tell.
posted by four panels at 6:53 PM on July 1, 2013 [10 favorites]

When it's early days in a new relationship, I tend not to say much about exes unless a specific question is asked; or, rarely, if the conversation is so directly on point about a specific situation that reminds me of a previous relationship, I might mention something. But I just keep it brief, direct, and no unnecessary details -- not hiding anything, but also not hung up on anything.
posted by fikri at 6:56 PM on July 1, 2013

When I'm in a relationship with someone, I'm not interested in the men that came before me. I don't tend to talk about my previous relationships with a woman I'm dating unless she asks.

I'm interested in our future, not her past.
posted by 2oh1 at 6:57 PM on July 1, 2013 [3 favorites]

I've never been glad that I dissected previous relationships with someone I was in a new relationship with. Save that discussion for therapy.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:57 PM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

Previous boyfriends have wanted to know anything from 0 bits of information (ex: "please don't ever tell me about any other boyfriends") to just the facts (ex: "how many partners, safe sex, etc?") to a bit more emotional stuff.

I'm one of those people who tells absolutely everything to the person I'm closest to, so in the past have had to rein it in a bit or not tell a story I've wanted to tell, which doesn't really sit awesomely with me, but hey, it's not all about me.

But my current boyfriend is also like me, and it's actually been pretty cool that we've been able to talk about all of our past relationships together. I think I've learned a lot about myself by talking to him, and I've come to terms with an early, long, mostly crappy relationship of mine through listening to him talk about a similar relationship of his.

I've decided that after this, I will be much more insistent that whomever I'm with needs to be cool about sharing.
posted by phunniemee at 6:57 PM on July 1, 2013 [8 favorites]

Best answer: My general rule of thumb is to talk about the ex only if:
- I'm asked about it ("So why did you and ex break up?" etc.) If they want to know something, I'm generally okay with sharing it.
- If it's necessary/relevant to explain a weird behavior ("I'm sorry, I'm kind of weird about this thing/ that place because of something with the ex.") Something that would otherwise not make sense without the explanation- if it's not necessary, it's not necessary. Start with minimal detail and only add more if asked.

I think it's unsolicited and/ or irrelevant ex talk that annoys people. Sometimes the big conversation where you go into the whole story about exes happens. But in my experience it's best to follow the two rules above and if a bigger conversation is going to happen, it just evolves out of one of those conversations. Don't just launch into it out of the blue.
posted by Argyle_Sock_Puppet at 6:58 PM on July 1, 2013 [3 favorites]

I am in a new relationship, where we've been calling each other "boyfriend/girlfriend" for about a month. This comes up especially for me because I have a kid, and it's especially weird because my daughter'a mother died, I'm not divorced.

I don't ask anything specifically about my new girlfriend's previous partners. Sometimes exes are important parts of stories. I told my new girlfriend about going on a sailing trip in Greece, which required mentioning my wife, because that's who I went with.

Basically for me, exes are fine to talk about when they're relevant to stories or discussion in the same way you might say, "I used to have friend who [did something relevant to the discussion]".

I generally find talking about sexual encounters or number of partners is off limits, although it's the sort of thing that might come up infrequently in certain conversations, and once it's come up, then it's out there. I won't ask my girlfriend anything like, "how many guys have you slept with?" though.
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 7:09 PM on July 1, 2013 [2 favorites]

Apparently some people like to share, others don't mind.

Personally, I prefer to keep the past in the past, and if you're with someone who feels this way realize that it doesn't mean they are hiding all kinds of secrets it might be that they've just moved on emotionally and don't want to be forced to revisit a bunch of water under the bridge.
posted by 12%juicepulp at 7:14 PM on July 1, 2013

I may mention it if it's part of an interesting story that comes up organically in conversation. For example, I was talking with some friends a little older than me about ways to scare their daughters' future boyfriends and the "My ex-girlfriend had two brothers that were professional wrestlers and knew a WHOLE lot of other big strong men" story was both humorous and an organic part of the conversation.

However, I am old enough and have been with my wife long enough that those stories are now WAY in the past and those relationships are buried and decayed to dust, so there's nothing really to be jealous of or hurt by.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 7:28 PM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

Ideally you and your partner have the same boundaries with this sort of thing so it is easy for everything. In Realityville, I think levels of sharing should be led by the comfort level of the partner who wishes to share least.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:32 PM on July 1, 2013 [5 favorites]

Best answer: I often hear 'Men don't want to hear about your past boyfriends. Don't mention them. Ever', kind of thing. I've always found it kind of unrealistic.

I'm 40 and never married, I certainly haven't been living in a vacuum, or even a nunnery. A fair chunk of my interesting experiences involve ex-boyfriends. It's impossible to talk about one's past in a natural way without including the fact of their existence.

That said, I avoid discussing anything sexual/personal, or going into great detail, or airing my grievances. They're just present in a neutral way, like an old acquaintance might be.
posted by Salamander at 7:54 PM on July 1, 2013 [7 favorites]

I'm friends with a few of my exes, and I'm always up front about that sort of history. Once I'm in a relationship that's lasted more than a few months, I'm completely upfront with any questions about my past.

I'm also currently single, so take this all with a huge grain of salt. My last relationship lasted for two years, and it's going to be pretty hard for me to talk about anything that happened during that time-span without alluding to it, so I'll probably be pretty up-front about that as well.

I'm not saying that any of this is necessarily good advice, but I personally strongly value honesty in a romantic partner.
posted by schmod at 7:54 PM on July 1, 2013

i often change "my ex did such and such" to "my friend did such and such" when telling stories and keeping things a little vague unless it's necessary to clarify. it bothers me A LOT when someone i am dating continues to rehash their past or carries way too much baggage for us to move forward together. people learn from their experiences but then from there you have to let things go.
posted by cristinacristinacristina at 7:55 PM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

I think discussing previous relationships is just fine, after awhile. Who you've chosen to be with and how you were treated/how you treated them is something that shapes you. If you have trust issues because you had a cheating partner, that's good to know. If you lost the great love of your life and tend to compare, that's also good to know. If you've had totally boring, decent enough relationships, why not share?

I don't know if it's healthy to obsess over someone's past relationships, but it's kind of like knowing who your friends and family are/were. It's part of your history, thus is part of you.
posted by xingcat at 8:13 PM on July 1, 2013 [2 favorites]

If you are divorced, or had kids with someone, you should tell your current partner about that.
posted by dfriedman at 8:21 PM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yikes, am clearly in the minority here. I think nearly all my major long-term relationships started with both parties knowing a whole lot about the respective exes. Sometimes it was because we started out as friends, commiserating over our no-good rotten scoundrel exes who'd done us wrong, sometimes it was because I was a bit too enamored with the notion of emotional honesty.
posted by spamandkimchi at 8:50 PM on July 1, 2013 [3 favorites]

I wonder how much responses vary according to age and length of the prior relationships. My partner and I are both nearing middle-age and are divorced, and our marriages were so pivotal in our lives and our histories that I couldn't imagine not talking about our exes. We also met not long after we'd separated, so being in the middle of our divorces made it really natural to process stuff about our exes together.

Also, my partner has a daughter with his ex-wife and they are very active co-parents, so there is just no way to be a part of their lives without his ex also being involved - we see her at school plays and dance recitals and drop-offs and pickups. I've never been threatened or jealous of her or their history together - especially since I'm so close to my partner's daughter, and she loves to talk about her mom, so how could I be threatened? Once there are kids in the mix, that changes the whole equation.

(On preview, what xingcat said!)
posted by Neely O'Hara at 9:09 PM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

I also fall on the side of honesty. I'm pretty much with Salamander here. I'm 39 and my boyfriend is 47. We've never been married but have each had our share of relationships. I'm friends with a few of my exes. I don't tell explicit sexual stories of past relationships or anything, but it would be ridiculous to pretend that neither of us had any sort of history before we met. We don't talk about our exes incessantly, but when they come up, they come up.
posted by SisterHavana at 9:32 PM on July 1, 2013

Maybe I over-share but I've talked a bit about exes. Partly it's because I have an ex with whom I was involved for 13 years, and that relationship is responsible for me living in the country I now live in, so it's kind of hard to avoid that one altogether. But partly it's just that I'm pretty open and honest about my past, and I'm a bad liar. I guess I could just say "I don't want to talk about it" when asked about my first few years in the country etc but why?

I'm single now and likely to remain so for the foreseeable future, so it's not terribly likely to come up. But I also can't imagine being in a relationship with someone I'm not also friends with, and this is the kind of thing I'd talk about with friends. It doesn't seem to have been a problem in the relationships I've been in, except for the psycho ex. Gotta have one.
posted by Athanassiel at 11:50 PM on July 1, 2013

I'm with the "talk about exes just like everything else" camp. I have friends who don't talk about them in their relationships, but I can't even imagine that. How could you not talk about such an important part of your lives? My partner and I talk about exes fairly frequently and have from the beginning. Just like everything else.

I've been this way in every relationship I've been in, and I've encouraged my partners to talk about exes as well. I think it's a compatibility thing. I want to be with someone who wants to talk about everything, and who wants me to do the same.
posted by 3491again at 11:56 PM on July 1, 2013 [2 favorites]

I think it depends how serious the ex was, how recently they broke up, and whether they are still in touch.

Both my husband and I are still friends with most of our exes, so we have each met and hung out with (sometimes become friends with) the other person's exes. So it makes sense that we talk about them. But at this point we have been together for more than 10 years, and we aren't totally monogamous anyway, so it makes sense that we don't feel threatened by talking about the exes.

When I first met him, he had just been broken up with by his most recent girlfriend, and they had been on the point of getting engaged, so it was a really big deal in his life, and made him a bit weird about a lot of things, so we had to talk it through a lot, like it or not.

On the other hand, exes from a lot further in the past, that he didn't keep in touch with and hadn't really been serious with are more mysterious to me. I know their names, how long they were together, and why they broke up. Sometimes a funny story or two that involved them.
posted by lollusc at 1:01 AM on July 2, 2013

Yeah, probably depends how 'key' they are, whether they're still friends, whether your partner knows them, etc. I have exes who are still my (our) friends, and we've had them over for dinner parties and stuff. We absolutely tell 'hilarious Mike stories' among our circle of friends and some of them involve when I was dating him.

I know some people say, 'no inviting exes to the wedding!'. I feel like... if your only relationship with them is/was romantic, or if they don't support your marriage, then obviously you don't *want* to invite them to your wedding, because you aren't really friends. And if you DO have a platonic relationship with them now, why wouldn't you invite them to this big life event so you can celebrate with them? Is your relationship so fragile that it's going to shatter under the mere existence of other potential partners??

But if you're bringing up your exes to shame your current partner, or to compare him/her to them, then it's a horrible thing and you should stop immediately. And you really don't want 4/5 of your stories to be about exes; I think you need to make your current partner feel important and welcomed and not eclipsed by the past or compared to others.
posted by Lady Li at 1:42 AM on July 2, 2013

Hmmm.... (Guy here, for what that's worth.) I've never been that curious, though I welcome women relating things, all the more if there was something like death or abuse involved, maybe if there have only been relationships of less than a year.

Honestly, if someone's pretty fresh out of a big relationship, I would like to know that; I'm among those -- men and women -- who've met too many people who clearly aren't close to being over something that's ended not that long ago.

With me relating things, like some other folks, at least in the early days, I have left it at, "I went to ___," and not mentioned that I went with an ex. It's always seemed odd to bring it up because... I dunno, someone mentions a town where an ex grew up, a company where an ex used to work, etc. If people ask, I'm generally fine with answering -- assuming it doesn't feel like I'm getting grilled, which has happened in the early days (and I have heard women relate the same experience and discomfort).
posted by ambient2 at 3:31 AM on July 2, 2013

When you're in a relationship, how do you talk about your exes?

Vaguely and infrequently.

I have never been dishonest or evasive with my partner about my exes, but I also don't offer information too freely. I am happy to discuss what I learned/felt/thought in any given relationship and the subsequent breakup, but I don't regal my partner with Tales of the Ex.

It boils down to personal comfort level. My partner has no problem talking about exes with detail. I have had to tell him things like, "I want to talk to you about your previous relationships, but no, sweetie, I don't want to know her last name and where she went to college."

You should feel comfortable with a current partner to talk about exes, but also comfortable enough to lovingly end a conversation about that topic if it gets to be too upsetting or weird.
posted by peacrow at 4:13 AM on July 2, 2013

Since you wrote, "I've been criticized for saying too much about my exes," it's possible that you're either:

A) doing exactly that to potentially decent dating material or;
B) you're dating jerkwads who don't want to hear your stories.

Going with A), Assume you are talking too much about your exes. The basic rule of thumb is, at least in early days, to be vague to the point of, "I've had some really weird dates, a few difficult relationships where I learned a lot, and several successful relationships, the longest lasted two years," and leave it at that. It's great that you learned things, but your partner doesn't necessarily want to hear that you learned the value of ____ in your past relationship because you and your ex struggled over _____. Great, you learned a lesson. Keep it to yourself.

Going with B), assume you're not talking too much about your exes, you're just dating assholes.

What matters most to me is the way in which someone refers to past relationships. If all their exes were nuts, divas, drama-queens, or somehow every old relationship is mentioned as though their ex was insane and they were saints for putting up with them (and even if it's true and they've always dated high-maintenance nuts), if a person doesn't take some ownership and responsibility for past problems, you can be sure that one day, you'll also be referred to as "another crazy ex-gf."

Here's one more thing: I was in an abusive marriage. I now have minimal contact with my ex (like maybe emails 4 times yearly) and a fiance. My fiance knows the barest detail of the abuse in the marriage. Why? Because hearing about it upsets him and there's nothing he can do about it. He just ends up feeling really sad about what happened to me and the kids and wants to metaphorically punch my ex in the face.

But he also needs to know that I have certain triggers. Like, he once gently put his hand on my shoulder at the top of the stairs and I completely freaked out, so I needed to tell him that my ex pushed me down a flight of stairs and broke my ankle once.

He asked me, early on, what happened in the marriage...the good and the bad...and knows that my ex became abusive to me and the kids, that we had to leave to remain safe, and that none of us speak with him.

So to me, I don't ever see a reason to get into details about past relationships because they don't matter.
posted by kinetic at 4:46 AM on July 2, 2013

I'm marrying a man who was already married once. We have talked about his past relationships (especially his first marriage) because it is valuable to know where things went wrong the first time, what worked and what didn't, etc. so that we can avoid those pitfalls.

As for my dating history, we have talked about my exes some. It isn't something my fiance particularly enjoys, nor is it something we do often, but it is again good to know history to keep from repeating it.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:00 AM on July 2, 2013

I'm old and divorced and have kids by my first marriage, but I haven't talked a whole lot about the interior of that relationship with my now-husband of 8 years. Most of what has been shared has been in the context of therapy. Current husband is slightly more privy to the nature of ex-husband's history/relationship (or lack thereof) with our kids.

I've had even less to say about relationships prior to that--I think my husband has only a vague idea about the last guy I was dating/living with before I met now-husband. If I've ever talked about any of my other past relationships qua relationships (and there are quite a few), it has been in only the most fleeting and vague of senses. Like, I think I mentioned having an ex-BF in the Navy in the context of talking about how I don't care for the state of Florida and yet I've been there like 15 times in my life for various reasons. I'm pretty sure I've talked about the sex aspect exactly zero times. Plus, sometimes it feels like that stuff happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.

I'm not saying this is the right or wrong approach. I am a closed and guarded person who operates very much on a need-to-know basis. My husband, for better or worse, does not seem curious about my past--not just the BF thing but in general. He is also insecure, and because he does not stand clearly head-and-shoulders above the pack in a number of areas, there's a lot of harm that could come of going too far into that discussion.

I think you can learn from past mistakes and avoid repeating them without having to make it an open topic of discussion. The majority of that learning process is in changing how you act/react to begin with, which is an internal process. To the extent that it involves recognizing patterns of behavior in your partner, it's easy enough to say, "hey, you're doing that problematic thing" without tacking on "...that my ex used to do."
posted by drlith at 5:21 AM on July 2, 2013

How bizarre! It's incredibly useful in my relationship to know and share about past relationships, both to know what went wrong, what went right and also just in general to know what kind of life my partner had!

I mean, obviously "going on and on about your ex on the second date" is like, poison. As it should be. But down the road, it's wildly helpful to share information. Honoring people's histories brings you closer together, for one thing. (I do want to know about my partner's former partner, who died some time ago!) It's also important to me for him to know why certain relationships of mine ended as they did. ("Here are five things NOT TO DO or I will dump your ass.")

I understand that in the heterosexual community there's sometimes this archaic (and usually sexist!) "used goods" thing about people having had sex with other people before. That's really sad and undermining to intimacy, I think.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 7:15 AM on July 2, 2013 [7 favorites]

To give you a consulting answer, it depends on the maturity of partner. If you feel your partner is mature enough to manage the emotions, go ahead and share.

In general, most people find it tough to rationally handle the emotional consequences of their knowledge about the prior relationships. We, instinctively, don't like the fact that the person closest to us was close to someone else and probably, may be, might have, liked that other person more than they liked us. IF we are mature and aware of these emotions, we don't let (or at least try to) these emotions affect our behavior.

To be safe, only share what is important and urgent. On the other hand, you want to avoid the impression of hiding something. Answer questions truthfully but aim for a general impression rather than specific details. and try to avoid comparative responses ...

You have to keep track of the emotional maturity of your partner and the strength of your relationship while sharing information about prior relationships. What might be easy to share in a 7 year old relationship might not be good for a 7 month old relationship.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 8:01 AM on July 2, 2013

Best answer: When you say "talk about your exes," do you mean references to exes when telling a story or about something that happened in the past or otherwise describing your life, or do you mean specifically introducing a conversation with your current partner about what your prior relationships were like?

For the former, I fall waaaaaay on the side of having absolutely no problem with it. Travel stories, places lived, shows attended, explanations of habits, provenance of material possessions, etc. Crossing a line into talking about the nature of the past relationship itself, how you felt about that person and vice-versa, etc. -- that requires a much stronger level of relevance.
posted by desuetude at 8:14 AM on July 2, 2013

Response by poster: Thanks for all your answers. I got a sense of the spectrum of opinions on this.

I'm mainly interested in how to talk about exes during the early stages of a relationship. Putting together what I've read, I think that these may be good rules:
* Mentioning exes in an incidental way when talking about the past is fine.
* Going into more detail about past relationships is ok only if there is a good reason (i.e., if it is actually beneficial to the current relationship). (People gave examples, like ones in which a previous relationship has an ongoing effect on one's current emotional state.)

When I was criticized for saying too much, I was not sure if this was sincere or if it was just a way of expressing disdain for my exes. Now I'm thinking it was something in between.

(Re. the later stages of the relationship: I agree that it should be determined by both persons' sensitivities, and I'm one of those who prefers a high level of openness.)

Thanks!
posted by turgai at 7:16 PM on July 2, 2013