Actually, that isn't my name
June 29, 2013 10:53 PM Subscribe
My name is Stephanie*. I go by Stephanie and always introduce myself that way. People shorten or change my name a lot - I get Steph and Stephie frequently. I don't like this, but can't think of a non-rude, non-awkward way to ask work colleagues and casual acquaintances to quit it (I don't have this problem with friends). How have others dealt with this, or should I just get used to being called Stephie, which makes me feel like some sort of repugnant plush unicorn?
*Ok, not really, but something similar
"Hey Steph!"
"Actually, I prefer to go by Stephanie, if you don't mind. What's up?"
Keep it casual, do it often, politely, and they'll eventually get it.
posted by HeyAllie at 11:01 PM on June 29, 2013
"Actually, I prefer to go by Stephanie, if you don't mind. What's up?"
Keep it casual, do it often, politely, and they'll eventually get it.
posted by HeyAllie at 11:01 PM on June 29, 2013
I hear you; I used to be super socially awk penguin about this when people (cough professors) would randomly call me Mishie without my permission. I think you should just casually say either "I go by Stephanie" or "you can call me Stephanie" and then give them a closed-lip smile.
posted by lotusmish at 11:04 PM on June 29, 2013
posted by lotusmish at 11:04 PM on June 29, 2013
-"Hey Steph!"
"Oh hey, I prefer to go by Stephanie."
-"Oh, okay, sorry."
"No biggie." The move on.
Done. Exactly as others have said.
My name is Crystalinne. I get Crystal all the damn time and it pisses me off to no extent. I mean I say my name is "Crystal" if I order coffee or something, but I always correct someone right away if I will deal with them more than just yelling out my order.
I have even had teachers or coworkers look at me with fear in their eyes and ask "Oh, you go by the WHOLE thing!?" Yes. Yes I do go by the whole thing and it's okay.
You have to start with someone right away, and as far as the friends, just correct them the next time they say it.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:11 PM on June 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
"Oh hey, I prefer to go by Stephanie."
-"Oh, okay, sorry."
"No biggie." The move on.
Done. Exactly as others have said.
My name is Crystalinne. I get Crystal all the damn time and it pisses me off to no extent. I mean I say my name is "Crystal" if I order coffee or something, but I always correct someone right away if I will deal with them more than just yelling out my order.
I have even had teachers or coworkers look at me with fear in their eyes and ask "Oh, you go by the WHOLE thing!?" Yes. Yes I do go by the whole thing and it's okay.
You have to start with someone right away, and as far as the friends, just correct them the next time they say it.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:11 PM on June 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
My name is Kathryn, and an irritatingly large cohort thinks that when I introduce myself by saying "Hi, I'm Kathryn," it's OK for them to shake my hand and say "Pleased to meet you, Kathie!" I usually just say "Actually, it's Kathryn, thanks;" if I really think they're going to be a dick about it and we're shaking hands, I keep holding onto their hand while I do it. I'll correct people up to three times. After that I just roll my eyes, deal with it, and lose respect for them.
posted by KathrynT at 11:23 PM on June 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by KathrynT at 11:23 PM on June 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
It's your name. It's OK for you to take that seriously.
Although, most likely no one has to die over it, so how about:
"Who is Steph?"
or
"I am Stephanie"
posted by current occupation: at 11:28 PM on June 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
Although, most likely no one has to die over it, so how about:
"Who is Steph?"
or
"I am Stephanie"
posted by current occupation: at 11:28 PM on June 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
This is funny to me. Honestly? It's all about your demeanor, which takes years to develop... How old are you?
I'm a Jennifer. When I was in grade school, people (adults) would sometimes try calling me "Jenny." This never went over well with me. By the time I was in high school, people would ask me if "Jen" or " Jenny" was OK - to this day I tell everyone, "Jenn" is fine. No, I don't tell anyone to use the extra "n" in "Jenn," but I use it on email and via text, so people just get it.
By the time I was 12 years old, and to this day, people remark, "You don't seem like a Jenny." And then I tell them that "Jenn" or "Jennifer" is fine.
Basically, I seem like I might punch you in the face if you call me "Jenny."
My mother-in-law calls me "Jenna" because she only speaks Arabic and can't pronounce "Jennifer." Whatevs. I love her son, she's cool, I deal.
But really. Most people know instinctively from my demeanor NOT to call me "Jenny."
People are more intuitive than you might think, and if you STRONGLY identify with the name "Stephanie" in your mind, people are less likely to shorten it. It comes across in your attitude, and people will register that.
Master a freezing cold expression the next time someone calls you "Steph" or whatever. Give that freezing look a pause before you respond as normal.
That's all you have to do.
posted by jbenben at 11:36 PM on June 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm a Jennifer. When I was in grade school, people (adults) would sometimes try calling me "Jenny." This never went over well with me. By the time I was in high school, people would ask me if "Jen" or " Jenny" was OK - to this day I tell everyone, "Jenn" is fine. No, I don't tell anyone to use the extra "n" in "Jenn," but I use it on email and via text, so people just get it.
By the time I was 12 years old, and to this day, people remark, "You don't seem like a Jenny." And then I tell them that "Jenn" or "Jennifer" is fine.
Basically, I seem like I might punch you in the face if you call me "Jenny."
My mother-in-law calls me "Jenna" because she only speaks Arabic and can't pronounce "Jennifer." Whatevs. I love her son, she's cool, I deal.
But really. Most people know instinctively from my demeanor NOT to call me "Jenny."
People are more intuitive than you might think, and if you STRONGLY identify with the name "Stephanie" in your mind, people are less likely to shorten it. It comes across in your attitude, and people will register that.
Master a freezing cold expression the next time someone calls you "Steph" or whatever. Give that freezing look a pause before you respond as normal.
That's all you have to do.
posted by jbenben at 11:36 PM on June 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
My name has several diminutives that I really dislike. When people call me the one I hate the most, I say, "I really dislike being called X," or "Please don't call me X, I go by Y." Honestly, it's not awkward or rude to correct someone when they're calling you by a name other than your own.
posted by Aquifer at 11:48 PM on June 29, 2013
posted by Aquifer at 11:48 PM on June 29, 2013
"No, just Stephanie is fine."
"I go by Stephanie, actually."
"I prefer Stephanie, thanks."
I have a lot of friends who don't go by the common nickname for their name and ONLY go by the longer form. All of them have managed to make it known when meeting new people, without coming off as rude.
posted by Sara C. at 12:00 AM on June 30, 2013
"I go by Stephanie, actually."
"I prefer Stephanie, thanks."
I have a lot of friends who don't go by the common nickname for their name and ONLY go by the longer form. All of them have managed to make it known when meeting new people, without coming off as rude.
posted by Sara C. at 12:00 AM on June 30, 2013
My twin's name is Christina. She *hates* it when anyone calls her Christine and will immediately correct them by saying "That's Chris-tee-NAH. Thanks." No one gets offended or thinks she's rude.
Actually, I run into this with my baby brother, whom I call Jimmy because I've always called him Jimmy and I can't get the name Jimmy out of my head, try as I might. But he's all grown up now and prefers the name Jim. So when I sometimes introduce him to people by the name Jimmy, he'll immediately correct that introduction with, "I prefer Jim" and I'll apologize and explain about the name Jimmy.
People want to be called by their name. I don't think you're being rude if you say, "I'd prefer Stephanie." or "That's Stephanie, thanks." And you shouldn't have to grin and bear it if they call you something else. It's your name. Claim it. Own it. And don't let anyone take it away from you.
posted by patheral at 12:09 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
Actually, I run into this with my baby brother, whom I call Jimmy because I've always called him Jimmy and I can't get the name Jimmy out of my head, try as I might. But he's all grown up now and prefers the name Jim. So when I sometimes introduce him to people by the name Jimmy, he'll immediately correct that introduction with, "I prefer Jim" and I'll apologize and explain about the name Jimmy.
People want to be called by their name. I don't think you're being rude if you say, "I'd prefer Stephanie." or "That's Stephanie, thanks." And you shouldn't have to grin and bear it if they call you something else. It's your name. Claim it. Own it. And don't let anyone take it away from you.
posted by patheral at 12:09 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
The "language culture" of my native language also makes it easy to generate lots of name variations that are only appropriate in specific social contexts. Some variations are officious, others are endearing, or friendly, or familiar, or intimate, or whatever. In the context of my native language, a supervisor wouldn't call me what a parent would call me, or a classmate, or a young child. It's one of those unspoken cultural rules that look absolutely transparent from the inside, and completely opaque from the outside. English is maybe a little looser with this kind of thing than the language I'm thinking of. But I'm pretty sure this is a near-universal in human languages.
With that in mind, is it possible that it's not so much the sound of a nickname that bothers you as much as who it's coming from? If a near-stranger is being too familiar with me, it feels weird. But it would also feel weird if a close friend started calling me "Mr. Nomyte" or "Nom-Nom."
I've been corrected by others when I addressed them the wrong way. "Hi, can I speak to Bill?" "It's actually William." I'm not sure there's any way to say that kind of thing without implicitly saying "please mind your social distance." But it's probably the surest and most polite way to send that message.
posted by Nomyte at 12:20 AM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
With that in mind, is it possible that it's not so much the sound of a nickname that bothers you as much as who it's coming from? If a near-stranger is being too familiar with me, it feels weird. But it would also feel weird if a close friend started calling me "Mr. Nomyte" or "Nom-Nom."
I've been corrected by others when I addressed them the wrong way. "Hi, can I speak to Bill?" "It's actually William." I'm not sure there's any way to say that kind of thing without implicitly saying "please mind your social distance." But it's probably the surest and most polite way to send that message.
posted by Nomyte at 12:20 AM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure there's any way to say that kind of thing without implicitly saying "please mind your social distance."
I don't think it's so involved as that. People make reasonable assumptions which are wrong and you just have to correct them time and again. It's not rude.
My son is named James - which in Sweden is pronounced Yames - and we basically have to correct everyone all the time - as does he. Yeah, it's tiresome but not really unexpected so you shouldn't be too hard on people or make a big deal of it.
All you need to say when people say "Steph" is "It's Stephanie."
The good thing is that people who continue to call him "Yames" - after being corrected - are just being assholes and this is a good tool for uncovering them.
Parents take note when selecting a name for your children.
posted by three blind mice at 12:44 AM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't think it's so involved as that. People make reasonable assumptions which are wrong and you just have to correct them time and again. It's not rude.
My son is named James - which in Sweden is pronounced Yames - and we basically have to correct everyone all the time - as does he. Yeah, it's tiresome but not really unexpected so you shouldn't be too hard on people or make a big deal of it.
All you need to say when people say "Steph" is "It's Stephanie."
The good thing is that people who continue to call him "Yames" - after being corrected - are just being assholes and this is a good tool for uncovering them.
Parents take note when selecting a name for your children.
posted by three blind mice at 12:44 AM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
I have this problem and the most effective thing I've found is simply leading by example. I was called a diminutive of my name all through my childhood and teen years and never really liked it but didn't really fuss.
Eventually I just got tired of it and decided "My name is (FULL NAME), not (DIMINUTIVE NAME)". I then used the name I wanted to be called everywhere. I signed my name that way, I labeled anything that would have my name on it with that name, I introduced myself that way and just generally always referred to myself by that name without ever deviating.
I never officially told anyone that I had "changed my name" but everyone I knew eventually picked it up.
There's already good advice here about how to correct people when they slip up but really it comes down to you never wavering on what name you want to be called.
posted by kassila at 12:46 AM on June 30, 2013
Eventually I just got tired of it and decided "My name is (FULL NAME), not (DIMINUTIVE NAME)". I then used the name I wanted to be called everywhere. I signed my name that way, I labeled anything that would have my name on it with that name, I introduced myself that way and just generally always referred to myself by that name without ever deviating.
I never officially told anyone that I had "changed my name" but everyone I knew eventually picked it up.
There's already good advice here about how to correct people when they slip up but really it comes down to you never wavering on what name you want to be called.
posted by kassila at 12:46 AM on June 30, 2013
I would try to keep it lighthearted...."oh, I gotta insist, it's Stephanie....there was this Steph I once knew, and you know how it is..."
posted by Pomo at 12:48 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Pomo at 12:48 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: It's all about your demeanor, which takes years to develop... How old are you?
I really don't think this is the case. I think that some people are somewhat oblivious. For example, a close friend is a Jennifer who goes by Jen - I have caught myself misspelling a name in an analogous setting (writing Jen to a Jenn because I have a close friend named Jen) and corrected myself before pressing send. My presumption is that the Steph and Stephies relate to others' personal experience with people who go by those diminutives and tone-deafness to interpersonal relations.
If it matters, I'm in my 30s and a supervisor. I'm confident that this is unrelated to my demeanor or age.
posted by arnicae at 12:49 AM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
I really don't think this is the case. I think that some people are somewhat oblivious. For example, a close friend is a Jennifer who goes by Jen - I have caught myself misspelling a name in an analogous setting (writing Jen to a Jenn because I have a close friend named Jen) and corrected myself before pressing send. My presumption is that the Steph and Stephies relate to others' personal experience with people who go by those diminutives and tone-deafness to interpersonal relations.
If it matters, I'm in my 30s and a supervisor. I'm confident that this is unrelated to my demeanor or age.
posted by arnicae at 12:49 AM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
Agreed that it's your name and you should be able to dictate your preferences! If you're worried about coming across as rude, though, you could try some variation of "Heads up, I might forget to respond to 'Steph' because I've always gone by Stephanie!"
posted by estlin at 12:50 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by estlin at 12:50 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: And I've always gone by "Stephanie", consistently, my entire life. I don't have any friends or family that call me anything other than Stephanie.
posted by arnicae at 12:54 AM on June 30, 2013
posted by arnicae at 12:54 AM on June 30, 2013
It's all about your demeanor, which takes years to develop... How old are you?
Yeah, no. Some people are just oblivious and will infantilize people even 20 years their senior. Assuming that the OP is has an immature personality that invites this behavior is weird and victim blame-y.
To address the actual question, the only socially acceptable thing to do (particularly in a work situation) is to correct people firmly and without being apologetic about it. If it's a social situation or something similar where you don't have to worry about it coming back to bite you on the ass, you can do the "call the other person by an incorrect name til they catch on" thing mentioned above, or, my personal favourite, the cut direct.
posted by elizardbits at 12:55 AM on June 30, 2013 [21 favorites]
Yeah, no. Some people are just oblivious and will infantilize people even 20 years their senior. Assuming that the OP is has an immature personality that invites this behavior is weird and victim blame-y.
To address the actual question, the only socially acceptable thing to do (particularly in a work situation) is to correct people firmly and without being apologetic about it. If it's a social situation or something similar where you don't have to worry about it coming back to bite you on the ass, you can do the "call the other person by an incorrect name til they catch on" thing mentioned above, or, my personal favourite, the cut direct.
posted by elizardbits at 12:55 AM on June 30, 2013 [21 favorites]
Yeah, you just straight up tell them that you prefer "Stephanie". I think most people are fine with being corrected like this if it's done lightly.
posted by Decani at 1:11 AM on June 30, 2013
posted by Decani at 1:11 AM on June 30, 2013
A lot of people will call you Steph or Stephie because they're trying to bond with you.
Just tell them that you prefer Stephanie.
posted by heyjude at 1:44 AM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
Just tell them that you prefer Stephanie.
posted by heyjude at 1:44 AM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
The trick is, you have to do it the first time (and every time, if they're slow to get it) or it just gets more awkward. Just mime like it gave you the chills when they said "Steph" and say "Ew, I hate that. I prefer Stephanie." BUT, your demeanor has to communicate that it's the word, and not the person saying it you don't like. I mean, they can't have known, right? So it's funny the first time. (Even if it's not to you, having been through this a billion times in your life.)
If you wait until the second time, then they feel awkward when they remember having called you Steph before.
posted by ctmf at 2:36 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you wait until the second time, then they feel awkward when they remember having called you Steph before.
posted by ctmf at 2:36 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
A) I once had a pact with a friend who was also trying to enforce a name change that we'd only refer to each other, privately and publicly, as our chosen new names, and that we'd correct people who used our old names. It worked really quickly and no one questioned it. Get backup. Enlist advocates.
B) My legal middle name is Cupcake, which is how I introduce myself. Sometimes people are just ***so curious*** about how I have such a weird name, and I explain the whole thing and also tell them my first name, and then they go "Ok, First Name." It is ALWAYS weird drunk gross bros, the ones who "flirt" by insulting me and who think disrespecting me by disregarding how I introduced myself brings them closer to me. Boundary-pushers, well, I push back. I'll mock and tease them, "Oh, you're too cool to call me Cupcake? All my friends call me that. If you don't want to be my friend, I get it. The feeling is kiiiiiiiiiinda mutual."
posted by Juliet Banana at 2:37 AM on June 30, 2013 [5 favorites]
B) My legal middle name is Cupcake, which is how I introduce myself. Sometimes people are just ***so curious*** about how I have such a weird name, and I explain the whole thing and also tell them my first name, and then they go "Ok, First Name." It is ALWAYS weird drunk gross bros, the ones who "flirt" by insulting me and who think disrespecting me by disregarding how I introduced myself brings them closer to me. Boundary-pushers, well, I push back. I'll mock and tease them, "Oh, you're too cool to call me Cupcake? All my friends call me that. If you don't want to be my friend, I get it. The feeling is kiiiiiiiiiinda mutual."
posted by Juliet Banana at 2:37 AM on June 30, 2013 [5 favorites]
I vote get over it.
Shortening a name is an overture of friendship. It's a low-stakes way for someone to say that they like you. You can go along with it or you can reject the overture.
I have an uncommon name and sometimes friends subtract a syllable and add a "z" or an "s" on the end. Sounds silly but it's not about what it sounds like.
posted by 4bulafia at 3:08 AM on June 30, 2013 [8 favorites]
Shortening a name is an overture of friendship. It's a low-stakes way for someone to say that they like you. You can go along with it or you can reject the overture.
I have an uncommon name and sometimes friends subtract a syllable and add a "z" or an "s" on the end. Sounds silly but it's not about what it sounds like.
posted by 4bulafia at 3:08 AM on June 30, 2013 [8 favorites]
A friend got read of an annoying nickname he'd had for years by telling people "Actually, it's Christian and not Shuffy*". Now I wouldn't dare call him Shuffy, and I never thought it was rude of him to insist on that. It's his name, he gets to make that call! I think most people will see it that way.
I am guilty of trying to shorten people's names, whenever I like these people. It's normally people I know long enough to have a closer relationship with them. Recently I tried to shorten Ursula into "Ursy" and she hated it. I can see why. I'm still trying to come up with something she likes, but she gets to veto whatever I come up with.
It's her choice, it's her name. And while it can be meant as a friendly overture, if the addressee rejects the name, I think that respecting that decision is a more meaningful sign of friendship.
*neither name is the real one.
posted by ipsative at 3:49 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am guilty of trying to shorten people's names, whenever I like these people. It's normally people I know long enough to have a closer relationship with them. Recently I tried to shorten Ursula into "Ursy" and she hated it. I can see why. I'm still trying to come up with something she likes, but she gets to veto whatever I come up with.
It's her choice, it's her name. And while it can be meant as a friendly overture, if the addressee rejects the name, I think that respecting that decision is a more meaningful sign of friendship.
*neither name is the real one.
posted by ipsative at 3:49 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
Back in the Eighties in Toronto I attended a panel discussion about Canadian film, moderated by producer, cinema chain magnate and crook Garth Drabinski. Margaret Atwood and David Cronenberg participated. During his fawning introductions, Drabinski referred to Atwood as Maggie, and she corrected him.
"It's Margaret, please."
"Oh, out in the lobby I thought I heard someone refer to you as Maggie."
"Yes, my friends call me Maggie. You may call me Margaret."
posted by Short Attention Sp at 3:51 AM on June 30, 2013 [33 favorites]
"It's Margaret, please."
"Oh, out in the lobby I thought I heard someone refer to you as Maggie."
"Yes, my friends call me Maggie. You may call me Margaret."
posted by Short Attention Sp at 3:51 AM on June 30, 2013 [33 favorites]
Firm and consistent correction is pretty much the only way to fix this, as has already been mentioned. Most people will get it soon enough. Other people may require more direct addressing of the problem, at a time determined by your own teeth-grinding threshold. But even then you shouldn't need to escalate to rudeness; the direct calling out should probably suffice.
It's also worth noting the question has little to do with friends(hip), but primarily mentions "work colleagues and casual acquaintances." These are people Stephanie, or anyone, may want to keep at the given "use my proper name" distance and not grant nickname privileges to.
posted by Su at 4:21 AM on June 30, 2013 [9 favorites]
I vote get over it.…and a greater overture would be calling someone by their preferred name and not something they've made clear they don't want to be called, against their wishes. Names are important, and this situation isn't all that different from intentionally mispronouncing and/or misspelling someone's name after having been corrected a reasonable number of times. (Have you ever known a Kara/Cara?)
Shortening a name is an overture of friendship.
– 4bulavia
It's also worth noting the question has little to do with friends(hip), but primarily mentions "work colleagues and casual acquaintances." These are people Stephanie, or anyone, may want to keep at the given "use my proper name" distance and not grant nickname privileges to.
posted by Su at 4:21 AM on June 30, 2013 [9 favorites]
As long as you say "I much prefer Stephanie" or some such every time, news will soon spread and folk will even start introducing you as such. My friend Elizabeth mnaged a smooth change to ownerhip of her own name in just this way.
posted by BenPens at 4:36 AM on June 30, 2013
posted by BenPens at 4:36 AM on June 30, 2013
"I vote get over it.Definitely in the minority here, but I agree with this. Might be a cultural thing, but where I'm from insisting on people using the long form of your name results in remaining distant from (most) others.
Shortening a name is an overture of friendship."
(Said as someone who prefers a certain distance.)
posted by dickasso at 4:48 AM on June 30, 2013 [4 favorites]
I would just tell them that you go by Stephanie and preferred to be called that.
For the oblivious ones...
My name is Christina and up until I was ~25 I went by Christy. Aside from a handful of people who I know will still call me Christy(which doesn't bother me and I am expecting them to call me that) I probably wouldn't realize someone was talking to me if they used Christy. I used to be the same way with Christina - my brain didn't even register the name.
So if someone calls me the wrong one, it takes me a couple of seconds to even respond because I don't realize they're talking to me. You could try that -it gets their attention because they can't get yours, then you can just remind them that you go by Stephanie.
posted by fromageball at 5:11 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
For the oblivious ones...
My name is Christina and up until I was ~25 I went by Christy. Aside from a handful of people who I know will still call me Christy(which doesn't bother me and I am expecting them to call me that) I probably wouldn't realize someone was talking to me if they used Christy. I used to be the same way with Christina - my brain didn't even register the name.
So if someone calls me the wrong one, it takes me a couple of seconds to even respond because I don't realize they're talking to me. You could try that -it gets their attention because they can't get yours, then you can just remind them that you go by Stephanie.
posted by fromageball at 5:11 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
I usually say "only my mom calls me that." It works, most of the time.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:12 AM on June 30, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:12 AM on June 30, 2013 [5 favorites]
Hey, Sephieee babeee, be cooo
All the comments are just right for 99%+ but have patience with that small percentage that for language or other personal history don't seem to cope with full names. Now I've never run into any Samuel that was called by anything other than Sam, except for a few categories including great aunts and dance gypsy's that can ONLY use Sammy.
posted by sammyo at 5:13 AM on June 30, 2013
All the comments are just right for 99%+ but have patience with that small percentage that for language or other personal history don't seem to cope with full names. Now I've never run into any Samuel that was called by anything other than Sam, except for a few categories including great aunts and dance gypsy's that can ONLY use Sammy.
posted by sammyo at 5:13 AM on June 30, 2013
But really. Most people know instinctively from my demeanor NOT to call me "Jenny."
My wife is also a Jennifer who prefers Jenn, but NEVER Jenny. If someone calls her Jenny, she's likely to say "A Jenny is a female donkey. I'm Jenn." This lets the other person know she takes offense at being called Jenny, it's said with a sense of humor (usually) and it's memorable.
So maybe you can do something similar. "Steph sounds too much like a type of infection! I'm Stephanie."
posted by The Deej at 6:00 AM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
My wife is also a Jennifer who prefers Jenn, but NEVER Jenny. If someone calls her Jenny, she's likely to say "A Jenny is a female donkey. I'm Jenn." This lets the other person know she takes offense at being called Jenny, it's said with a sense of humor (usually) and it's memorable.
So maybe you can do something similar. "Steph sounds too much like a type of infection! I'm Stephanie."
posted by The Deej at 6:00 AM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
So my name is Phoebe. Until I was ten, the only nicknames I ever heard were Feeb, Fifi L'Amour (both from my mother), Pho and PhoBWanKenobi (from my big sister). Then Friends came out, and suddenly every teacher, dentist, and stranger suddenly wanted to call me Feebs. I didn't like being associated with a fictional weirdo, bubblehead, former drug addict at ten and I don't particularly now, even though I'm really open to nicknames! In fact, since high school, I've added Probe and Fleeby to my repertoire.
I have no problem telling people I don't like being called Feebs. It's even on the FAQ on my website. Generally, I don't want people to feel bad about it, so if there's an opportunity to do so, I tell them that they can call me Feeb or Pho if they want to nickname me. I've had a few people insist on it, though, and you know what? It's generally a good sign of those people being assholes who will later step on my boundaries in other ways.
So I'd consider whether or not there's a nickname you are okay with, and offer that as an alternative (does Steph rankle less than Stephie? I cannot imagine trying to call a grown woman Stephie, by the way). That way, people still get an option to refer to you in a way that makes them feel a little closer and you don't have to hear the dreaded Stephie ever again.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:00 AM on June 30, 2013
I have no problem telling people I don't like being called Feebs. It's even on the FAQ on my website. Generally, I don't want people to feel bad about it, so if there's an opportunity to do so, I tell them that they can call me Feeb or Pho if they want to nickname me. I've had a few people insist on it, though, and you know what? It's generally a good sign of those people being assholes who will later step on my boundaries in other ways.
So I'd consider whether or not there's a nickname you are okay with, and offer that as an alternative (does Steph rankle less than Stephie? I cannot imagine trying to call a grown woman Stephie, by the way). That way, people still get an option to refer to you in a way that makes them feel a little closer and you don't have to hear the dreaded Stephie ever again.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:00 AM on June 30, 2013
I get this All. The. Time. And it used to drive me crazier than it does now, no idea why, though. Maybe because the short version of my name that people use isn't as "cute" as Stephie.
Two points to add: One is that with some people, I just won't be able to get them to change, and it's not worth trying. And I'm OK with it now.
The other is my experience as the name-shortnER once. I was calling a David "Dave," even after I'd been corrected, because our mutual friends called him Dave, both when talking to and about him. I think he wanted everyone to call him David. But it was so ingrained in my habits by the time I noticed, it took more than him correcting me once for his wish to sink into my brain.
Maybe the takeaway is correct early? And clarify to new people that you prefer Stephanie no matter what they hear other people calling you. Good luck!
posted by orange (sherbet) rabbit at 6:03 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
Two points to add: One is that with some people, I just won't be able to get them to change, and it's not worth trying. And I'm OK with it now.
The other is my experience as the name-shortnER once. I was calling a David "Dave," even after I'd been corrected, because our mutual friends called him Dave, both when talking to and about him. I think he wanted everyone to call him David. But it was so ingrained in my habits by the time I noticed, it took more than him correcting me once for his wish to sink into my brain.
Maybe the takeaway is correct early? And clarify to new people that you prefer Stephanie no matter what they hear other people calling you. Good luck!
posted by orange (sherbet) rabbit at 6:03 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm a Kimberly that goes by either Kim or Kimberly, which is fine. But it's Kimmy that eventually seeps into every job I've worked at. Kimmy doesn't belong at work, ever. So I smile (this is key) and say, "Oh no, no no...only two people are allowed to call me Kimmy and I in return I get to call them Mom and Dad." (big smile, which is still key)
99% of the time this nips it in the bud. For the rest, a very chilly "I go by Kim" is what they get.
posted by kimberussell at 6:35 AM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
99% of the time this nips it in the bud. For the rest, a very chilly "I go by Kim" is what they get.
posted by kimberussell at 6:35 AM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
I have the opposite problem. My name is Chris, and people assume my real name must be Christopher. It's not. Yet I constantly get mail and other formal type documents addressed to Christopher. Mostly I ignore it, unless it's something that has the potential to cause problems because the name doesn't match.
posted by COD at 6:37 AM on June 30, 2013
posted by COD at 6:37 AM on June 30, 2013
It is not rude to correct a person when they call you by the wrong name. It took me at least ten years to completely shed the diminutive of my first name. This, because I went about it a bit too timidly in the beginning. It required calm, friendly immediate correction every time, as mentioned above by many. A good rule of thumb I always thought is to call people whatever name they use when they introduce themselves. Unfortunately, not everyone subscribes to this.
The problem is being introduced to someone by a person who habitually shortens your name, such as a family member. Family members and old friends may feel like they have a stake in your old name. They have the hardest time adjusting. So you may need to talk to them about this more than once. Ask them, at minimum, to introduce you by your preferred name. And without any of the cutesy banter, "Oh, ha ha she wants to be called X now! My bad! Ha ha!", because that just undoes everything.
As well, a few people – if you are not perfectly calm, kind, half smiling, emotionally detached etc when you do the correcting – will decide that they've found a fun way to annoy you for the rest of your life. Don't mistakenly hand anyone your achilles heel. Be kindly neutral even if it's the twentieth time in a row you've corrected someone regarding your name, "It's Stephanie, please." And if they do decide to run with calling you a shortened version of your name, never let them know that it annoys you. This applies mainly to people you have to deal with, like coworkers/higher ups etc.
Some people, no matter how nicely you do this will take offense because they want a shortcut to closeness. It turns into a discussion ("Really? No one EVER calls you Steffie-Effie? You sure about that?"). Personally, I just smile or laugh. It totally annoys me and on a bad day can upset me, but some people are weird. They don't care what I want to be called, it's about them. So I just laugh. But I never back down. I say, "No, nobody calls me that."
posted by marimeko at 6:41 AM on June 30, 2013
The problem is being introduced to someone by a person who habitually shortens your name, such as a family member. Family members and old friends may feel like they have a stake in your old name. They have the hardest time adjusting. So you may need to talk to them about this more than once. Ask them, at minimum, to introduce you by your preferred name. And without any of the cutesy banter, "Oh, ha ha she wants to be called X now! My bad! Ha ha!", because that just undoes everything.
As well, a few people – if you are not perfectly calm, kind, half smiling, emotionally detached etc when you do the correcting – will decide that they've found a fun way to annoy you for the rest of your life. Don't mistakenly hand anyone your achilles heel. Be kindly neutral even if it's the twentieth time in a row you've corrected someone regarding your name, "It's Stephanie, please." And if they do decide to run with calling you a shortened version of your name, never let them know that it annoys you. This applies mainly to people you have to deal with, like coworkers/higher ups etc.
Some people, no matter how nicely you do this will take offense because they want a shortcut to closeness. It turns into a discussion ("Really? No one EVER calls you Steffie-Effie? You sure about that?"). Personally, I just smile or laugh. It totally annoys me and on a bad day can upset me, but some people are weird. They don't care what I want to be called, it's about them. So I just laugh. But I never back down. I say, "No, nobody calls me that."
posted by marimeko at 6:41 AM on June 30, 2013
I definitely agree with the people saying nicknames and shortened names can be a symbol of a close relationship, and correcting people can by a small social sign that you would prefer to keep some distance. Which makes sense in the case of co-workers and people you just met, since you probably DO want to keep some distance and not be treated like you are closer then you actually are.
I have a good friend that I started calling by a shortened version of a her name, and for a month she just went along with it until one day she really snapped in anger and demanded I never use it again. I instantly thought it meant we weren't as close as I thought we had been and distanced myself a lot. Now I realize it's more that she's rather socially awkward.
So, be aware how you correct people, if you are getting really snappish about it they'll read more into it then simply being tired of people calling you by something that is not your name.
posted by Dynex at 6:45 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have a good friend that I started calling by a shortened version of a her name, and for a month she just went along with it until one day she really snapped in anger and demanded I never use it again. I instantly thought it meant we weren't as close as I thought we had been and distanced myself a lot. Now I realize it's more that she's rather socially awkward.
So, be aware how you correct people, if you are getting really snappish about it they'll read more into it then simply being tired of people calling you by something that is not your name.
posted by Dynex at 6:45 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
This made me stop and think - people used to try to shorten my name all.the.time, through probably my mid-30's. I HATE the way that most people shorten my name (think "Steph") and only my family calls me the other way (think "Fanny"). But I don't think anyone has tried to shorten my name in at least the past 5 years. While my name is not unusual, people do mispronounce it frequently, so when I introduce myself I say it slowly and clearly, while making eye contact. Hasn't helped on the mispronunciation piece - I give people three tries (with corrections) to get it right and then quietly seethe and think about how oblivious they are if they still get it wrong. But no nicknames.
posted by sorrygottago at 6:48 AM on June 30, 2013
posted by sorrygottago at 6:48 AM on June 30, 2013
I'd just say your full name as the start of your conversational turn, without missing a beat and in the style of whatever it is you're going to say. It corrects but is so subtle that it isn't its own thing. And because you aren't giving them space to comment on it, they'll simply remember to use your full name the next time as a way of acknowledging that you've been heard.
Them: "I think this is a good design and we should go with it. What do you think, Steph?"
You: "Stephanie yes I agree with you, but I think we should add a unicorn. They're magical and fun."
posted by iamkimiam at 7:00 AM on June 30, 2013 [5 favorites]
Them: "I think this is a good design and we should go with it. What do you think, Steph?"
You: "Stephanie yes I agree with you, but I think we should add a unicorn. They're magical and fun."
posted by iamkimiam at 7:00 AM on June 30, 2013 [5 favorites]
My wife is also a Jennifer who prefers Jenn, but NEVER Jenny. If someone calls her Jenny, she's likely to say "A Jenny is a female donkey. I'm Jenn." This lets the other person know she takes offense at being called Jenny, it's said with a sense of humor (usually) and it's memorable.
So maybe you can do something similar. "Steph sounds too much like a type of infection! I'm Stephanie."
This approach is unnecessarily insulting toward people who like to be called Jenny or Steph. How would you like to be told that your preferred nickname is has some archaic meaning that is offensive, or sounds gross?
"I prefer Jennifer," or "I prefer Stephanie," expresses the preference for what it is, a personal preference, not a universal rule about the goodness of one form of a name over another.
I agree that you should remind people consistently every time they get it wrong, especially the first time. I'm not not great with names, and I am, from time to time, mortified to discover that I've been, for years, calling someone by a name that goes against their preference, just because I'm forgetful, or was introduced by someone who used the wrong name and they weren't corrected, or presumed that because their SO or closer friends called them by a name that they were okay with anyone using it.
posted by BrashTech at 7:00 AM on June 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
So maybe you can do something similar. "Steph sounds too much like a type of infection! I'm Stephanie."
This approach is unnecessarily insulting toward people who like to be called Jenny or Steph. How would you like to be told that your preferred nickname is has some archaic meaning that is offensive, or sounds gross?
"I prefer Jennifer," or "I prefer Stephanie," expresses the preference for what it is, a personal preference, not a universal rule about the goodness of one form of a name over another.
I agree that you should remind people consistently every time they get it wrong, especially the first time. I'm not not great with names, and I am, from time to time, mortified to discover that I've been, for years, calling someone by a name that goes against their preference, just because I'm forgetful, or was introduced by someone who used the wrong name and they weren't corrected, or presumed that because their SO or closer friends called them by a name that they were okay with anyone using it.
posted by BrashTech at 7:00 AM on June 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
I vote get over it.
Me too. It's a friendly gesture. Lonnie, Lon, Alonso, Lonster, Lon-boy -- who cares?
Yes, you have a right. If you insist, you'll win. But is it really a win? Although this probably goes against the majority here, when I encounter someone who makes a point of parsing their name so carefully, I can't help taking it a a sign of insecurity.
posted by LonnieK at 7:10 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
Me too. It's a friendly gesture. Lonnie, Lon, Alonso, Lonster, Lon-boy -- who cares?
Yes, you have a right. If you insist, you'll win. But is it really a win? Although this probably goes against the majority here, when I encounter someone who makes a point of parsing their name so carefully, I can't help taking it a a sign of insecurity.
posted by LonnieK at 7:10 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
can't think of a non-rude, non-awkward way to ask work colleagues and casual acquaintances to quit it
Say what you'd say if they called you the *wrong* name, like Serena. Which would probably be something like "It's Stephanie, actually."
I know a nickname is not exactly the same but they're essentially getting your name wrong. People call me by the wrong name at least once a week. If it's a coffee-ordering situation I don't correct them, but anyone else I just politely remind them of my name. 90-95% of people want to get it right, and will try not to call you [wrong name] again. The other 5-10% are playing a weird power game, run away if you can.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 7:12 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
Say what you'd say if they called you the *wrong* name, like Serena. Which would probably be something like "It's Stephanie, actually."
I know a nickname is not exactly the same but they're essentially getting your name wrong. People call me by the wrong name at least once a week. If it's a coffee-ordering situation I don't correct them, but anyone else I just politely remind them of my name. 90-95% of people want to get it right, and will try not to call you [wrong name] again. The other 5-10% are playing a weird power game, run away if you can.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 7:12 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
Mod note: A couple of comments deleted; as usual please don't argue with other commenters. Thanks.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 7:22 AM on June 30, 2013
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 7:22 AM on June 30, 2013
This is not the answer you want to hear, but here goes: It's a generational thing, in large part, and you're not going to be able to do anything about it.
My name is James. Almost 100% of the time, whenever someone over the age of 50 addresses me, they will call me Jim. It's just a thing that they think they are supposed to do. I do not like being called Jim, but that's what certain people will always call me. I have tried correcting them in various ways, but it's a dead cause. They are going to call me Jim, so I just smile and go on with my life. They don't define me, I do.
posted by jbickers at 7:24 AM on June 30, 2013
My name is James. Almost 100% of the time, whenever someone over the age of 50 addresses me, they will call me Jim. It's just a thing that they think they are supposed to do. I do not like being called Jim, but that's what certain people will always call me. I have tried correcting them in various ways, but it's a dead cause. They are going to call me Jim, so I just smile and go on with my life. They don't define me, I do.
posted by jbickers at 7:24 AM on June 30, 2013
I usually say "only my mom calls me that." It works, most of the time.
This is what I do too. I was called Jess through a lot of school and then went to college and became, mostly, Jessamyn. To me it's my kid name and I'm not a kid anymore. My mom and sister call me Jess usually so there is a bit of confusion sometimes. I feel like there's a slider on the whole business where on one end you get called the right name 100% of the time but have to have long annoying drawn out conversations with some people who can't or won't get it. At the other end of the spectrum you can get called whatever, whenever, but you don't have to discuss it with people. And so as you ratchet up the vigilance about your name you have to risk some awkwardness.
I am pretty friendly with people about it and I mostly start with "Jessamyn's my name, actually" and then I'll move to "Jess is what my mom calls me, please don't do that" and then I'll start telling long stories about how I had a mean English teacher who called me Jessie when she was mad at me which sort of ruined the nickname for me. If people persist (and really people are just being assholes or really super absent-minded if they don't get it at this point) I will either tell them the long story about where my name originally came from and why Jess and Jessie are both inappropriate nicknames and how no one calls me that and blablabla, or I put them into a small category which I label "hopeless" and work on getting over it. And anyone who notices that ("Hey you let that weird guy at the post office call you Jess...") gets the explanation that I've given up on those people, would prefer not to give up on my current companion and can we please move on.
It's totally okay to insist in your right name. It's also good for the blood pressure to realize that not everyone will get it, but most will.
posted by jessamyn at 7:28 AM on June 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
This is what I do too. I was called Jess through a lot of school and then went to college and became, mostly, Jessamyn. To me it's my kid name and I'm not a kid anymore. My mom and sister call me Jess usually so there is a bit of confusion sometimes. I feel like there's a slider on the whole business where on one end you get called the right name 100% of the time but have to have long annoying drawn out conversations with some people who can't or won't get it. At the other end of the spectrum you can get called whatever, whenever, but you don't have to discuss it with people. And so as you ratchet up the vigilance about your name you have to risk some awkwardness.
I am pretty friendly with people about it and I mostly start with "Jessamyn's my name, actually" and then I'll move to "Jess is what my mom calls me, please don't do that" and then I'll start telling long stories about how I had a mean English teacher who called me Jessie when she was mad at me which sort of ruined the nickname for me. If people persist (and really people are just being assholes or really super absent-minded if they don't get it at this point) I will either tell them the long story about where my name originally came from and why Jess and Jessie are both inappropriate nicknames and how no one calls me that and blablabla, or I put them into a small category which I label "hopeless" and work on getting over it. And anyone who notices that ("Hey you let that weird guy at the post office call you Jess...") gets the explanation that I've given up on those people, would prefer not to give up on my current companion and can we please move on.
It's totally okay to insist in your right name. It's also good for the blood pressure to realize that not everyone will get it, but most will.
posted by jessamyn at 7:28 AM on June 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
It's respectful to call a person what they prefer to be called. If someone choses not to do this (after being reminded more than once, for instance), it's safe to say that that person doesn't respect you. The reasons for wanting to be called your full name are immaterial. You get to enforce whatever boundaries you wish in life. People who take this the wrong way tend to be insecure so tread politely as possible with regard to their feelings without forgetting about your own.
posted by marimeko at 7:32 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by marimeko at 7:32 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
My first name is Alexis, but I generally go by Lex. I have never, ever, ever called myself "Lexie" but there are a truly alarming number of people (usually men, interestingly enough) who try to call me that upon first meeting or talking to me. I loathe it, and coworkers have taken to enforcing my no "Lexie" policy for me. Someone recently called for the first time and asked for Lexie and one of my coworkers said, "She doesn't like to be called that, please call her Lex, thanks." And I picked up the phone and he has called me Lex ever since. So, if this happens at work, see if you can get your coworkers on board.
posted by crankylex at 7:32 AM on June 30, 2013
posted by crankylex at 7:32 AM on June 30, 2013
Agree with everyone else that a quick, polite, "It's Stephanie," will work most of the time.
Do be patient and polite about it. Remember that yes, you have to deal with this all the time, but for each person you're dealing with, it's a first offense. I have a name similar to Stephanie (so similar that people often hear my name as Stephanie) that I actually prefer shortened and because my name is unusual I usually have to tell people to use my nickname. And sometimes people make their own nicknames out of it. I just deal. People don't know until I tell them.
I have a cousin named Janna and because her name is unusual people mistake it for Janet, or misspell it Jana. She corrects them loudly and nastily. ("No, it's not JANET, it's JANNA!!!!") Let me tell you, it wins her no friends, and she's someone who is always alienated from all her co-workers and neighbours shortly after starting a new job or moving and whose friendships never last long. Don't be like her.
posted by orange swan at 7:38 AM on June 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
Do be patient and polite about it. Remember that yes, you have to deal with this all the time, but for each person you're dealing with, it's a first offense. I have a name similar to Stephanie (so similar that people often hear my name as Stephanie) that I actually prefer shortened and because my name is unusual I usually have to tell people to use my nickname. And sometimes people make their own nicknames out of it. I just deal. People don't know until I tell them.
I have a cousin named Janna and because her name is unusual people mistake it for Janet, or misspell it Jana. She corrects them loudly and nastily. ("No, it's not JANET, it's JANNA!!!!") Let me tell you, it wins her no friends, and she's someone who is always alienated from all her co-workers and neighbours shortly after starting a new job or moving and whose friendships never last long. Don't be like her.
posted by orange swan at 7:38 AM on June 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
I vote get over it.
Me too. Of course you can tell people you want to be called Stephanie - but there will be a significant number of people you meet who will only be short term acquaintances. Some of them will forget your name, some will use the version you have told them, some will use the shortened form just because they want to try to be endearing, some will use the shortened form even though you don't like it (because they are shits). But as long as people are just short term acquaintances your energy is wasted in worrying about it too much.
Only when you start to get to know people better - after several meetings - is it worth correcting people. Beyond this correction those who continue to use versions you don't like are like those companies who send you email with the anti-spam version of your email address - filter them.
posted by rongorongo at 7:43 AM on June 30, 2013
Me too. Of course you can tell people you want to be called Stephanie - but there will be a significant number of people you meet who will only be short term acquaintances. Some of them will forget your name, some will use the version you have told them, some will use the shortened form just because they want to try to be endearing, some will use the shortened form even though you don't like it (because they are shits). But as long as people are just short term acquaintances your energy is wasted in worrying about it too much.
Only when you start to get to know people better - after several meetings - is it worth correcting people. Beyond this correction those who continue to use versions you don't like are like those companies who send you email with the anti-spam version of your email address - filter them.
posted by rongorongo at 7:43 AM on June 30, 2013
Straight, simple, non-angry, and quickly moved on from has worked for me. Just make sure to do it every time.
"Hey Steph, how's the TRX report coming?"
"Stephanie, please. I'll have it to you tomorrow."
--------------------
"Stephie, they've got a cake for Frank's birthday down in conference room A-134!"
"Stephanie, please. Thanks! I'll go get a piece! What kind is it?"
--------------------
"Any plans for the weekend, Steph?"
"Stephanie, please. I'm thinking about going down to Slargleston to check out the Woodchuck Festival. How about you?"
--------------------
"Oh, god, Steph, I had the worst night! The ceiling over my bed caved in at like three in the morning, and it turns out there was a huge nest of cockroaches right above it! At first I didn't know what was happening, and I jumped up and was all confused and then turned the lights on and oh my god it was horrible!"
"Stephanie, please. Oh, no! What did you do?"
--------------------
"Steph, I think I need some advice. I just found out my boyfriend hates Star Trek."
"Stephanie, please. DTMFA."
posted by Flunkie at 7:48 AM on June 30, 2013 [6 favorites]
"Hey Steph, how's the TRX report coming?"
"Stephanie, please. I'll have it to you tomorrow."
--------------------
"Stephie, they've got a cake for Frank's birthday down in conference room A-134!"
"Stephanie, please. Thanks! I'll go get a piece! What kind is it?"
--------------------
"Any plans for the weekend, Steph?"
"Stephanie, please. I'm thinking about going down to Slargleston to check out the Woodchuck Festival. How about you?"
--------------------
"Oh, god, Steph, I had the worst night! The ceiling over my bed caved in at like three in the morning, and it turns out there was a huge nest of cockroaches right above it! At first I didn't know what was happening, and I jumped up and was all confused and then turned the lights on and oh my god it was horrible!"
"Stephanie, please. Oh, no! What did you do?"
--------------------
"Steph, I think I need some advice. I just found out my boyfriend hates Star Trek."
"Stephanie, please. DTMFA."
posted by Flunkie at 7:48 AM on June 30, 2013 [6 favorites]
If it's someone you're fairly comfortable with:
Them: "Hey, Stephie."
(you laugh)
You: "Stephie?"
Them: "What?"
You: "Well, I usually just go by Steph, but ya know."
posted by timsneezed at 8:00 AM on June 30, 2013
Them: "Hey, Stephie."
(you laugh)
You: "Stephie?"
Them: "What?"
You: "Well, I usually just go by Steph, but ya know."
posted by timsneezed at 8:00 AM on June 30, 2013
I think it's important to point out the difference between the script that corrects the person and expects a response/discussion about the name, and the script that corrects the person and you just keep on talking about whatever the topic is (or you change it). I like the latter, like Flunkie did just above, but I might say "thanks" instead of "please".
If someone is trying to communicate with you, correcting your name can derail the conversation and make it all about you, when it was supposed to be about the TPS reports. I would make the correction and then carry on, and then observe to see if it sticks. Save the big conversation for the next time that person uses the wrong name.
posted by CathyG at 8:12 AM on June 30, 2013
If someone is trying to communicate with you, correcting your name can derail the conversation and make it all about you, when it was supposed to be about the TPS reports. I would make the correction and then carry on, and then observe to see if it sticks. Save the big conversation for the next time that person uses the wrong name.
posted by CathyG at 8:12 AM on June 30, 2013
I have a name that people shouldn't shorten-- Kelly. There is no diminutive to that name. But I get Kell and Kells all the time. People are just going to do it.
posted by oflinkey at 8:24 AM on June 30, 2013
posted by oflinkey at 8:24 AM on June 30, 2013
I'm Judith. While I loathe the nickname Judy, I don't mind what I see as just a sort of shorthand "Jude" conversationally (the equivalent of Steph or Jen vs. Stephie or Jenny). I think of it as a gesture of affection or informality rather than someone getting my name wrong. I don't know if your name works like that too, but it's been a useful distinction for me in terms of when to push back.
posted by judith at 8:26 AM on June 30, 2013
posted by judith at 8:26 AM on June 30, 2013
My name is Kathryn, and an irritatingly large cohort thinks that when I introduce myself by saying "Hi, I'm Kathryn," it's OK for them to shake my hand and say "Pleased to meet you, Kathie!"
I loathe that. There are all kinds of degrees of this behavior, but that's the barrel's bottom: the ones who do it immediately. They just met you so there's no camaraderie justification, and a literal half-second after you tell them your name they've decided to adjust it. But you can't take it personally, because it's not. The immediacy indicates they do it all the time.
Honestly? It's all about your demeanor, which takes years to develop...
I mostly agree with this, but not entirely. I have some advantages in the demeanor department: I'm a tall man, I don't have an especially quiet voice, and my job confers/requires a certain degree of assertiveness. I've been told I can be intimidating. That probably helps me avoid this problem in a lot of cases where it might otherwise happen.
But even still, that handshake thing will occasionally happen. Ultimately, uninvited nicknaming stems from a degree of self-centeredness. "But you're not Jonathan to me. You're Johnny!" And so there are some folks who are just so far inside their own heads that even a clear, obvious, dozen-red-flags demeanor isn't going to faze them, and they're just going to plow ahead because they don't even notice.
How have others dealt with this
It's tricky. It's in that area of problems that are worth addressing but not worth making into a major issue. I do it quickly, bluntly, and then move on immediately. In other words, I don't leave an opportunity for them to respond to the correction, which might indicate that I'm expecting an apology or inviting a conversation. I'm not. The trick (for me) is to be assertive about two things almost simultaneously: making the correction, and then pushing the conversation forward.
There are occasions where I let it go, certainly: five-second interactions with waiters or a retail clerk who read my name from a credit card, etc. But I assume you (OP) aren't folding those interactions into "casual acquaintances." There is nobody in my life who nicknames me. It's definitely something you can fix without causing major offense.
posted by cribcage at 9:04 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
I loathe that. There are all kinds of degrees of this behavior, but that's the barrel's bottom: the ones who do it immediately. They just met you so there's no camaraderie justification, and a literal half-second after you tell them your name they've decided to adjust it. But you can't take it personally, because it's not. The immediacy indicates they do it all the time.
Honestly? It's all about your demeanor, which takes years to develop...
I mostly agree with this, but not entirely. I have some advantages in the demeanor department: I'm a tall man, I don't have an especially quiet voice, and my job confers/requires a certain degree of assertiveness. I've been told I can be intimidating. That probably helps me avoid this problem in a lot of cases where it might otherwise happen.
But even still, that handshake thing will occasionally happen. Ultimately, uninvited nicknaming stems from a degree of self-centeredness. "But you're not Jonathan to me. You're Johnny!" And so there are some folks who are just so far inside their own heads that even a clear, obvious, dozen-red-flags demeanor isn't going to faze them, and they're just going to plow ahead because they don't even notice.
How have others dealt with this
It's tricky. It's in that area of problems that are worth addressing but not worth making into a major issue. I do it quickly, bluntly, and then move on immediately. In other words, I don't leave an opportunity for them to respond to the correction, which might indicate that I'm expecting an apology or inviting a conversation. I'm not. The trick (for me) is to be assertive about two things almost simultaneously: making the correction, and then pushing the conversation forward.
There are occasions where I let it go, certainly: five-second interactions with waiters or a retail clerk who read my name from a credit card, etc. But I assume you (OP) aren't folding those interactions into "casual acquaintances." There is nobody in my life who nicknames me. It's definitely something you can fix without causing major offense.
posted by cribcage at 9:04 AM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think you can easily, and very much within the bounds of politeness, correct people. Especially since it seems like this isn't an issue with friends, but rather colleagues/acquaintances. I have to do this frequently, since my actual given name is normally only a "nickname."
NB be aware that people who have done this awhile without correction will be extremely, extremely embarrassed when you do correct; if you want to be kind, you might say something like, "sorry I haven't mentioned it before, but actually it really bothers me to be called Steph."
says the girl who called a very close friend (the equivalent of) Steph for many YEARS, only to be put on blast very recently that she hates [Steph], nobody calls her [Steph], and she can't believe I would call her [Steph] for so long when I obviously never hear anyone else use it. I don't think we're friends anymore...? but I swear she never ever brought it up before...
posted by like_a_friend at 9:26 AM on June 30, 2013
NB be aware that people who have done this awhile without correction will be extremely, extremely embarrassed when you do correct; if you want to be kind, you might say something like, "sorry I haven't mentioned it before, but actually it really bothers me to be called Steph."
says the girl who called a very close friend (the equivalent of) Steph for many YEARS, only to be put on blast very recently that she hates [Steph], nobody calls her [Steph], and she can't believe I would call her [Steph] for so long when I obviously never hear anyone else use it. I don't think we're friends anymore...? but I swear she never ever brought it up before...
posted by like_a_friend at 9:26 AM on June 30, 2013
Nice to meet you Kevin, I'm Stephanie Jones.
Nice to meet you Steph.
Stephanie. What did you think of the speaker?
Think of it as saving them the embarrassment of learning that you hate to be called Steph. Outside Metafilter, I'm Joanne. You can call me Joanne, Anne, JA, or Mom. If you call me Jo, I won't answer, because I don't think of it as me. If I have to talk to you about calling me by the correct name, you'll have to listen to the long(boring) version of why I don't like to be called Jo, which involves my therapist, my family history, and 12 years of Catholic education. You're much better off calling me Joanne.
posted by Mom at 9:40 AM on June 30, 2013
Nice to meet you Steph.
Stephanie. What did you think of the speaker?
Think of it as saving them the embarrassment of learning that you hate to be called Steph. Outside Metafilter, I'm Joanne. You can call me Joanne, Anne, JA, or Mom. If you call me Jo, I won't answer, because I don't think of it as me. If I have to talk to you about calling me by the correct name, you'll have to listen to the long(boring) version of why I don't like to be called Jo, which involves my therapist, my family history, and 12 years of Catholic education. You're much better off calling me Joanne.
posted by Mom at 9:40 AM on June 30, 2013
Another thing you can do if you know the nicknamer is well-meaning, is tell a little story like "Oh actually I always go by Stephanie, because Stephie was this evil girl who sat behind me in 4th grade." That way you a) associate your name with something for them to remember in the future, and b) accomplish what they were trying to do with the nickname, i.e. make the conversation more personal. (I do a different version of that when someone's clearly trying to get my name right but failing. And I've seen others do it about short or long versions of their names to seemingly good effect.)
posted by DestinationUnknown at 10:12 AM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by DestinationUnknown at 10:12 AM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
It is not rude to correct a person when they call you by the wrong name.
Exactly. If I introduce myself with "Hi, I'm Elsa*" and the other person says "Hi, Elsie, I'm Mary, nice to meet you." I don't need to state a preference, because my correct name is not a preference, it's a fact. So I make a (gentle, civil) correction of an error: "It's Elsa. Nice to meet you too!" If you're calling me Elsie, it's because you don't know that's not my name.
I use exactly the same pleasant, matter-of-fact tone that I use when someone mispronounces or mistakes my last name: I take no offense, I keep the correction quick and clear, I don't make a joke of it, and I certainly don't add "if you don't mind" or suggest that it's a preference. It isn't a preference, it's my correct name, and I assume that reasonable people want to call me by the correct name.
Once upon a time, my then-boyfriend introduced me to his childhood friend Chuck. That's the name by which he was introduced, and understandably enough, I called him Chuck. Long after that old boyfriend evaporated from both of our lives, Chuck and I were still good friends. Finally, he said, "I hate 'Chuck.' I've always hated 'Chuck.' I'm Charlie." I was mortified. I'd been calling him the wrong name ---- introducing him to others by the wrong name! --- for YEARS.
The moral: When people get your name wrong, correct early and consistently. It spares you annoyance and it spares others long-term embarrassment.
*My name isn't Elsa; it's something that gets nicknamified or misheard routinely. And I correct people every time, because surely kind people would want to use the right name, and not-kind people deserve to have their not-kindness pointed out.
posted by Elsa at 10:47 AM on June 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
Exactly. If I introduce myself with "Hi, I'm Elsa*" and the other person says "Hi, Elsie, I'm Mary, nice to meet you." I don't need to state a preference, because my correct name is not a preference, it's a fact. So I make a (gentle, civil) correction of an error: "It's Elsa. Nice to meet you too!" If you're calling me Elsie, it's because you don't know that's not my name.
I use exactly the same pleasant, matter-of-fact tone that I use when someone mispronounces or mistakes my last name: I take no offense, I keep the correction quick and clear, I don't make a joke of it, and I certainly don't add "if you don't mind" or suggest that it's a preference. It isn't a preference, it's my correct name, and I assume that reasonable people want to call me by the correct name.
Once upon a time, my then-boyfriend introduced me to his childhood friend Chuck. That's the name by which he was introduced, and understandably enough, I called him Chuck. Long after that old boyfriend evaporated from both of our lives, Chuck and I were still good friends. Finally, he said, "I hate 'Chuck.' I've always hated 'Chuck.' I'm Charlie." I was mortified. I'd been calling him the wrong name ---- introducing him to others by the wrong name! --- for YEARS.
The moral: When people get your name wrong, correct early and consistently. It spares you annoyance and it spares others long-term embarrassment.
*My name isn't Elsa; it's something that gets nicknamified or misheard routinely. And I correct people every time, because surely kind people would want to use the right name, and not-kind people deserve to have their not-kindness pointed out.
posted by Elsa at 10:47 AM on June 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
Especially if it's a "cute" nickname, flinch and say, "Eeeww! Stephie?? Seriously?"
Also works with more serious, with a bit of an eyebrow-lift. "Steph? (shudder) Nope, never worked for me."
posted by aimedwander at 10:50 AM on June 30, 2013
Also works with more serious, with a bit of an eyebrow-lift. "Steph? (shudder) Nope, never worked for me."
posted by aimedwander at 10:50 AM on June 30, 2013
Best answer: I can't find the link, but I am almost certain that Miss Manners herself recommends, "I'd be so pleased if you'd call me Stephanie." Keeps it positive, which is a plus because the people who are abbreviating your name don't realize they are doing anything wrong. Correcting them in any but the gentlest of ways is going to be a shock.
posted by wnissen at 11:27 AM on June 30, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by wnissen at 11:27 AM on June 30, 2013 [8 favorites]
"It's actually Stephanie, not Steph." Boom, done. I have this kind of name, and no one has ever taken offense to this correction; they just apologise.
posted by windykites at 12:00 PM on June 30, 2013
posted by windykites at 12:00 PM on June 30, 2013
While you certainly can correct people by restating your name and then going on, as others have suggested, if it's the first few times you're meeting a person, I'd try something slightly different. Imagine if someone called you Miss Smith. You might smile warmly and say, "Oh, please, call me Stephanie." It makes it clear how you're comfortable being addressed. If you treat being too INFORMAL the same way you treat being too formal, I suspect people will better get the sense you're inviting them to speak with you in the way you'd damned well prefer.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 12:10 PM on June 30, 2013
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 12:10 PM on June 30, 2013
I think it's fine to state your preference with a smile, so you're not giving off a "I'm a huge bitch" vibe, but rather "That's my preference, thanks" .
That being said, while I always try to be respectful of other people's names, I find the whole thing strange. I've read too much Alan Watts or something, but I think we're all a component of the One-That-Is-Not-One, and that to insist on a "name" that is "yours" reinforces the ego; i.e., you are something which other people are NOT. While I do want to be called the correct name to avoid any confusion, or not coming when I hear the name associated with what "I" identify as "myself", I'll go by any variation of that. If someone wanted to call me the wrong name because they had a problem saying my name, I'd go with that too.
I just don't think that getting attached to "names" is healthy, and I'd caution you on that score.
posted by Unangenehm at 12:26 PM on June 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
That being said, while I always try to be respectful of other people's names, I find the whole thing strange. I've read too much Alan Watts or something, but I think we're all a component of the One-That-Is-Not-One, and that to insist on a "name" that is "yours" reinforces the ego; i.e., you are something which other people are NOT. While I do want to be called the correct name to avoid any confusion, or not coming when I hear the name associated with what "I" identify as "myself", I'll go by any variation of that. If someone wanted to call me the wrong name because they had a problem saying my name, I'd go with that too.
I just don't think that getting attached to "names" is healthy, and I'd caution you on that score.
posted by Unangenehm at 12:26 PM on June 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
I sympathize -- my kids are William and Catherine and my wife and I do like (and use) the full form of their name -- and it's a legitimate preference for you, too.
However, you REALLY don't want to achieve the preference by even by the politest form of correction -- doing so comes across, whether you want it to, as emotionally-fragile ego-centricism (the worst kind). "I know that 'Matt' is good enough for 99% of the Matthew's in the world, but not for me!"
The people in my life who are addressed even by friends and close business associates as James or Christopher or Andrew have done so by consistently referring to themselves by that name in non-correcting contexts (answering the phone, introducing themselves at meetings or parties, signing emails) and over time people become aware, and OTHER people tell new business and personal acquaintances of the preferred form of address. They still have to smile and nod when they get the inevitable Jim, Chris or Andy from a new person in their life.
I think the general exception to this is if you have a preference among equally common and equivalently-diminutive nicknames. Nobody minds a William saying he goes by "Will" and not "Bill."
posted by MattD at 2:03 PM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
However, you REALLY don't want to achieve the preference by even by the politest form of correction -- doing so comes across, whether you want it to, as emotionally-fragile ego-centricism (the worst kind). "I know that 'Matt' is good enough for 99% of the Matthew's in the world, but not for me!"
The people in my life who are addressed even by friends and close business associates as James or Christopher or Andrew have done so by consistently referring to themselves by that name in non-correcting contexts (answering the phone, introducing themselves at meetings or parties, signing emails) and over time people become aware, and OTHER people tell new business and personal acquaintances of the preferred form of address. They still have to smile and nod when they get the inevitable Jim, Chris or Andy from a new person in their life.
I think the general exception to this is if you have a preference among equally common and equivalently-diminutive nicknames. Nobody minds a William saying he goes by "Will" and not "Bill."
posted by MattD at 2:03 PM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
i recommend also not responding whatsoever to the diminutives you don't like.
posted by zadcat at 2:07 PM on June 30, 2013
posted by zadcat at 2:07 PM on June 30, 2013
I also find it irritating to be called by a nickname, and it happens so often! But try to keep in mind that this one person you're talking to isn't to blame for what others have said and done. Don't let your face or voice convey annoyance.
posted by wryly at 2:53 PM on June 30, 2013
posted by wryly at 2:53 PM on June 30, 2013
This is going to sound contrarian, but ... If someone politely corrects me on their name, I make an effort to do it right from then on. So, I would definitely call you Stephanie.
But if I heard you doing this repeatedly with other people, or if I heard you doing it in a rude way to me or someone else, I would think, "Stephanie is pretty damn uptight about this. She's a control freak. She gets off on having power over people in every small way. She must have a screw loose. Better avoid her in general."
In other words, be careful who you correct, how often you correct, and how exactly you correct them.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:02 PM on June 30, 2013
But if I heard you doing this repeatedly with other people, or if I heard you doing it in a rude way to me or someone else, I would think, "Stephanie is pretty damn uptight about this. She's a control freak. She gets off on having power over people in every small way. She must have a screw loose. Better avoid her in general."
In other words, be careful who you correct, how often you correct, and how exactly you correct them.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:02 PM on June 30, 2013
Steve Martin: Tom, Tom old bean! Let's have a look at you. That robe fits you smashingly.
Tom Hanks: Thanks, Mr. Martin.
Steve Martin: Please, call me Mr. Steve Martin.
Tom Hanks: Thanks, Mr. Steve Martin.
posted by Nomyte at 3:04 PM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
Tom Hanks: Thanks, Mr. Martin.
Steve Martin: Please, call me Mr. Steve Martin.
Tom Hanks: Thanks, Mr. Steve Martin.
posted by Nomyte at 3:04 PM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
My name actually is Stephanie and this thread is making my left eye twitch.
posted by thinkpiece at 3:21 PM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by thinkpiece at 3:21 PM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
tl;dr
If you just said "Please call me Stephanie" with a warm smile I would be very happy to call you Stephanie.
posted by JimN2TAW at 4:11 PM on June 30, 2013
If you just said "Please call me Stephanie" with a warm smile I would be very happy to call you Stephanie.
posted by JimN2TAW at 4:11 PM on June 30, 2013
I find names irritating, partly because I often cannot remember the name of men I've been in relationships with for years, and partly because names often don't reflect the poetry of a person's nature, so I just try to avoid saying anyone's name at all costs. I've had a number of Davids who were only and always Davids and never Daves, an Andrew who's no Drew or Andy, and more along the same lines, and it feels weird to say the full names as written because it sounds like one's mother telling them through full articulation that they are in trouble, so I just make noises to attract attention and dance sideways around names.
If your name is fun to say, though, I'll use it all the damn time, to the point of awkwardness. My (male) cousin Dixie Royal gets "Hey, Dixie Royal" every time. My middle school friend Eli Feen...well, his name was Eli Feen, so of course I said that all the time. Russ Fink, Russell Bounds, Randy Balderson—whole name pronounced every time. Hell, I dated a sexy librarian named Blane Holliday, except it was actually Halliday, but I needed to allude to Judy so I skewed the pronunciation, to his rolling eyes. If I can play with a name, or if I can call you The Plumber or Old Bean or Cowboy without offense, you'll have a name, but otherwise, I'll content myself to attract attention by other means.
It's peculiar, I know. My ex, Paul, grins every time I say his name because he knows I'm a non-namer, and I use his name relatively often because it makes him happy. I call my last ex, Andrew, the full-motion Andrew, often with an accent, though when I say "Andrew," it's hard not to cultivate a fake English accent. I've got him trained to enjoy being Old Bean, though, so Andrew only comes around when I'm making a point.
People call me all sorts of things. Joe, Joseph, Joe-Joe, José, Zé, Hey-Joe-Where-You-Going-With-That-Gun-In-Your-Hand, Joey, and, with the right people, Joe-B, but the latter is the only one that comes with any rules. Hated "Joey" as a kid, am fine with it now.
Manage the corrections with aplomb and you can be whoever you want.
posted by sonascope at 7:43 PM on June 30, 2013
If your name is fun to say, though, I'll use it all the damn time, to the point of awkwardness. My (male) cousin Dixie Royal gets "Hey, Dixie Royal" every time. My middle school friend Eli Feen...well, his name was Eli Feen, so of course I said that all the time. Russ Fink, Russell Bounds, Randy Balderson—whole name pronounced every time. Hell, I dated a sexy librarian named Blane Holliday, except it was actually Halliday, but I needed to allude to Judy so I skewed the pronunciation, to his rolling eyes. If I can play with a name, or if I can call you The Plumber or Old Bean or Cowboy without offense, you'll have a name, but otherwise, I'll content myself to attract attention by other means.
It's peculiar, I know. My ex, Paul, grins every time I say his name because he knows I'm a non-namer, and I use his name relatively often because it makes him happy. I call my last ex, Andrew, the full-motion Andrew, often with an accent, though when I say "Andrew," it's hard not to cultivate a fake English accent. I've got him trained to enjoy being Old Bean, though, so Andrew only comes around when I'm making a point.
People call me all sorts of things. Joe, Joseph, Joe-Joe, José, Zé, Hey-Joe-Where-You-Going-With-That-Gun-In-Your-Hand, Joey, and, with the right people, Joe-B, but the latter is the only one that comes with any rules. Hated "Joey" as a kid, am fine with it now.
Manage the corrections with aplomb and you can be whoever you want.
posted by sonascope at 7:43 PM on June 30, 2013
P.S. Just thought of an addendum, which is that if you want to have a specific name, you do need to enforce and cajole to make it stick before alternates kick in. With the unexpected death of a best friend earlier this year, I realized that I'd been pronouncing his brother's name wrong for thirty years. They come from a Lithuanian family, and Rimas is technically said as "Rimmis," with a little rolly thing at the front, but Joel Chandler Harris was my cousin and it was Remus, Remus, Remus for all these years, even though it's not right. Getting out of a longstanding habit is a bitch.
Pronounced the name of my favorite musician wrong for almost as long—it's not "Zookay," it's "Chook-eye." I still stick on "Rike" vs "Reyesh" for the minimalist composer.
We should all just be numbered. I want to be 6.
posted by sonascope at 7:53 PM on June 30, 2013
Pronounced the name of my favorite musician wrong for almost as long—it's not "Zookay," it's "Chook-eye." I still stick on "Rike" vs "Reyesh" for the minimalist composer.
We should all just be numbered. I want to be 6.
posted by sonascope at 7:53 PM on June 30, 2013
Nthing to just pleasantly correct people every time as suggested above. My given first name (which is what I use) does have several common nicknames, but they seem to have more distinct "personality" implications attached, and moreover, my name is only two syllables to begin with. It's more like a Megan/Meg/Meggie situation than a Jennifer/Jen/Jenny situation, if that makes sense.
Not only do the people who are being too intimate/presumptuous with the nicknaming need to be gently corrected, it's also a relief for others -- who want to make sure to call you by your preferred name -- to hear that they're not mistaken. This was driven home for me recently by a sort of sweet little kerfuffle.
Sooooo, see, I actually secretly like my name much better the way it is pronounced in the native accent of many other countries (it's comparable to the difference between "Jean" in English versus French, but no-where near as striking a difference of "George" versus "Jorges" in Spanish.) It's a little luxury to hear the "prettier" version when I travel...and I don't correct my foreign-born colleagues and friends, either. But at the end of two very intensive semesters with my graduate program, someone noticed that a couple members of the class pronounced my name a different way...and suddenly 8 out of 10 very conscientious people were struck with horror that they may have been saying my name wrong all that time. No, everyone's doing it right! No no no I've got a bit of a pedantic thing about calling people by their preferred names too I totally understand that look of horror and wouldn't do that to you! Eeek! Whew!
posted by desuetude at 10:59 PM on June 30, 2013
Not only do the people who are being too intimate/presumptuous with the nicknaming need to be gently corrected, it's also a relief for others -- who want to make sure to call you by your preferred name -- to hear that they're not mistaken. This was driven home for me recently by a sort of sweet little kerfuffle.
Sooooo, see, I actually secretly like my name much better the way it is pronounced in the native accent of many other countries (it's comparable to the difference between "Jean" in English versus French, but no-where near as striking a difference of "George" versus "Jorges" in Spanish.) It's a little luxury to hear the "prettier" version when I travel...and I don't correct my foreign-born colleagues and friends, either. But at the end of two very intensive semesters with my graduate program, someone noticed that a couple members of the class pronounced my name a different way...and suddenly 8 out of 10 very conscientious people were struck with horror that they may have been saying my name wrong all that time. No, everyone's doing it right! No no no I've got a bit of a pedantic thing about calling people by their preferred names too I totally understand that look of horror and wouldn't do that to you! Eeek! Whew!
posted by desuetude at 10:59 PM on June 30, 2013
I think MattD is on the right track. If you want people to call you something else, find a reason to state your preferred name in front of them (I didn't know I had been pronouncing a new acquaintance's name wrong until she called me. "Hi, it's X." "Oh, X? I thought it was Y! Sorry X.")
Trying to get people to call you by a different name is like overhearing someone talking about the woman in the orange jacket, realizing they mean you, and then saying, "Excuse me, I prefer to be known as the woman in the tangerine jacket." You can preemptively describe your jacket to them as tangerine and hope they catch on but that's about it.
posted by 4bulafia at 2:30 AM on July 1, 2013
Trying to get people to call you by a different name is like overhearing someone talking about the woman in the orange jacket, realizing they mean you, and then saying, "Excuse me, I prefer to be known as the woman in the tangerine jacket." You can preemptively describe your jacket to them as tangerine and hope they catch on but that's about it.
posted by 4bulafia at 2:30 AM on July 1, 2013
Like Non-Christopher above, I have the opposite problem, though my name is closer to the Jennifer/Jenny than Stephanie/Steph, which seems more like a shortening than a nickname to me.
Anyway, preferring to go by a nickname (I happen to dislike my Jennifer analog) is tough for professional purposes because, for example, "Jennifer" is in my email address and, really, people can "argue" that they are using my name (whereas there's not a great argument that someone named Elizabeth can reliably be called Beth).
I also have a difficult last name, so my usual response to a butchering of that or being called "Jennifer," is a cheerful, "Oh, 'Jenny," please!"
posted by Pax at 11:03 AM on July 1, 2013
Anyway, preferring to go by a nickname (I happen to dislike my Jennifer analog) is tough for professional purposes because, for example, "Jennifer" is in my email address and, really, people can "argue" that they are using my name (whereas there's not a great argument that someone named Elizabeth can reliably be called Beth).
I also have a difficult last name, so my usual response to a butchering of that or being called "Jennifer," is a cheerful, "Oh, 'Jenny," please!"
posted by Pax at 11:03 AM on July 1, 2013
Also, people have refused to call me by the shorter (admittedly less serious) name that I prefer, saying they like 'Jennifer' better or noting "oh, haha, I can't call you that, I knew a dog named 'Jenny'."
The latter has happened three times that I can remember.
posted by Pax at 11:06 AM on July 1, 2013
The latter has happened three times that I can remember.
posted by Pax at 11:06 AM on July 1, 2013
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posted by greta simone at 10:58 PM on June 29, 2013 [3 favorites]