How can I become less reclusive and find a boyfriend?

June 15, 2013 12:33 AM

I'm a 21-year old female, soon-to-be college senior, and I'm ridiculously socially awkward and reclusive--to the point where I'm thinking that the reason I don't have a boyfriend is because I rarely leave my apartment and have a very small circle of close friends. I like to take walks by myself, to go to the grocery store by myself, to study by myself, and to listen to my iPod when I train in cycling/do my Ironman prep. The only time I'm social is when I'm on my computer emailing friends at different colleges and meeting with my MCAT tutors who are basically like friends that I pay to have.

I have a tendency to send boys I like love letters, to daydream endlessly about being married, to plan out what house and neighbourhood in Seattle I want to live in, and to even come up with a list of the names I want to give my five future sons. My Mom says that I'm not ready for marriage, but that I could be ready for a boyfriend. Is she right? What do I have to do to get a boyfriend, ideally someone who is just as reclusive as me? Do I need to change my natural introversion to find a boyfriend? Is it possible to meet someone who will actually like me back for once? Does love exist? Does "the one" exist? How can I improve my self-esteem about my looks (former ugly duckling turned model who still feels ugly)? Do you guys think any boy will ever marry me if my idea of a good time is dancing in my underwear by myself instead of going to a noisy club with strangers who want to put their hands on me? How long will I have to wait for my future husband? Is it possible to marry the man who will be your first love? Is marriage as big of a commitment as my Mom says? How will I know when I'm ready for it? Do I need to finish college to be ready to have a boyfriend? Is it possible to remain true to my belief to abstain from all forms of premarital sex if I have an Indian boyfriend with the same values as me? Do non-white boys who are virgins exist?

Super circumlocutory; it's late!

1) CONTEXT
I'm an Indian girl born and raised here, a Pisces, and sort of spacey by most accounts--I guess I'm competitive when it comes to the guy I want to marry and in sports, but I'm just not like most modern, corporate-raiding women. Like, my ideal marriage would be to someone who lets me tell him how I want the company to be run strategically, because I'm really good at coming up with ideas but not as good as implementing them. I sort of see my role as a future wife as the person who will propel my husband to insane amounts of fame and success, provided that he doesn't cheat on me, buys me flowers, writes me love letters, and loves me unconditionally. I'm not really a stickler for looks since I'm supposedly pretty but I don't really feel as pretty as people tell me I am, so I just want a nice Indian guy who sort of sees the world the same way as me and who isn't too extroverted.

I dated--well, went on what feels like a million miserable first dates--lots of white guys and I've found that they just don't understand me like someone from my culture would. I met some of them through this choir group I'm a member of--I joined to find a husband and I haven't found him yet, so I'm thinking about quitting--and others through the humour magazine I write for on campus. (I guess all of my dates come from activities that I do.) I feel like a lot of guys just didn't understand me, didn't like the outdoors as much as me, and weren't really ambitious enough for my interests. Like, one guy wasn't on time, another guy didn't write me love letters, another sent me paints instead of flowers for Christmas, another guy didn't tell me I looked beautiful when I spent three hours straightening my unruly hair, another didn't dance well with me, another was really stupid and couldn't keep up a conversation with me, and another wasn't very nice to me. I'm definitely not that picky, I just want someone who is an intellectual and who impresses me with their credentials. Like, I need someone I can be wowed with and I just haven't met anyone who really makes me get very excited. My Mom also says I need to find a guy who is just as well-off as we are, but I don't know how to do that because all the guys I like tend to be do-gooders just like me. Money just isn't very important to me, you know? I want someone with an impressive resume, a good personality and a brilliant brain, someone who can stand up to me in conversations and put me in my place.

Part of this reason, I think, is because I rarely go to parties. When I do go to parties, I tend to go to ones with my parents in their Indian doctor group in our hometown or ones in my current city with old people attending wine tastings, art gallery openings, opera performances, and symphony gala events. I'm very involved in the philanthropic circuit, am a prospie at the Junior League, and am a member of the most prestigious social club in my city, but I still feel like I'm not really doing the whole college thing right. Like, I've only been to two frat parties and I've never been drunk or done anything really stupid. My Mom says that other girls go to these parties and wind up having a blast because partying is what you're supposed to do when you're young, but I never get invited to them and don't fit in well with the white bible thumpers at my college, so I don't really see how that can change. I mean, I really like spending time alone and I don't want to make too many new friends because they'll take away from the friendships I already have and enjoy. I feel like I should rationally do stuff to be more social with people my age, but they don't like the same things that I do. Like, I'm a vp of my college's triathlon team and I did student government and stuff and I still didn't meet any girls I really connected with like my other friends from back home; when I transferred colleges and the situation got worse, I think. I miss my old friends! I just like dressing up and going to fancy parties, even if they're with old people, but nobody else at my school wants to do that. Everyone I've spoken to either likes to talk about the Bible or to get really drunk; there's just no in-between. People here really don't like thinking about ideas or wearing fancy dresses or getting their mani/pedis with me, so I have to do those things by myself. And it's really lonely, especially because all of my friends are spread out all over the country and we see each other only a few times per year. I mean, what should I do? I feel like if I were to get a boyfriend, he'd want to meet my friends, and I don't think he could just get on a plane to Boston or Ithaca to make that happen. I think he'd be happier if I had local friends. My Mom agrees. She says she's willing to come see me more often in my off-campus apartment--$2K/month in a posh area downtown with no students but lots of business people much older than me--to make me feel less lonely, and she gave me permission to fly out to see some of my Canadian friends at the end of the summer, but it's not enough! I think boys really want girls to have a big social network and maybe that's the reason I'm all alone when other girls have boyfriends they get to spend their time with. Anyway, what do I need to do to get invited to the cool kid parties at school? I really don't like any of my classmates but my Mom said I need to "live life" and "get out of my apartment."

2) MY DAYDREAMS
I spend about 50% of my time in daydream land. I really like thinking about my future and plotting out the kind of life I want to have once I'm married and get to raise my future sons. I already know where I want to live, what kind of car I want to have, what kind of professor I want to be, what preschool and prep schools I'm sending my future sons to, their names, and possible surnames that work with my name phonetically. Though I haven't really shared any of these plans with people, I think it might scare some guys off. Like, on a few of my dates, I've talked about marriage and several of the guys looked at me like I was very strange, as if they haven't thought about being married at all. I guess plotting out my dream life is something I enjoy doing and is something I want my future husband/boyfriend to be all right with. My Mom says that she's more than happy to give me an arranged marriage if that's what I want, but she said that I can find a boyfriend on my own with my looks and she refused to find me one. So this means I have to do something to be less awkward.

I feel like the problem is that no boys see the world the same way as me. I know so much about marriage statistics that I'm writing my economics thesis on marriage outcome predictors and I've taken so many relationship readiness quizzes and mastered all the relationship dynamic books that I just don't understand why nobody is madly in love with me yet. Like, I joined a sports league to meet boys but I didn't like any of the people there because they were all jocks; similarly, I faked several conversions to different religions to meet religious guys but I didn't end up liking any of them; I also tried online dating but my Mom found out about it and told me it wasn't as good as meeting people in real life as no Indian boy would take me seriously.

3) THE SITUATION
I'm so ready to have sex and to devote myself to the success of my future husband that I feel I just need to find some guy and marry him so I don't have to worry about having a date to the symphony on Saturday nights anymore. It feels weird to go to parties without someone on my arm, you know? Like, I hate having to wait for guys to ask me to dance because very few approach me and I don't really know why. My friend J has said that I can be standoffish and unapproachable, but I don't know how that could be because I always try to display open body language whenever I interact with other people and I'm always very receptive to people who approach me first. (I don't believe in approaching boys first.) I just want someone who is tired of this whole single thing, who doesn't make fun of me for daydreaming all the time, and who respects my feelings. How can I find this guy and make him mine? Do I need to become a really popular girl or something? I'm a 100% virgin and I'd like someone who is also a virgin because I think I'd get very jealous of his ex-girlfriends and because I think marriage and love is a lifelong commitment. How can I find him? Why do all the nice boys go after the popular, bad girls and not me if I'm prettier and have better values? How can I meet more Indian boys if I spend my time in my apartment? I don't really like studying in the library because there are too many people and I can't eat my homemade snacks in between study breaks. Why can't I just be married right now so I can finally have the kind of sex my friend talks about? (She's had sex in the back of a car and in an aeroplane and on a kayak and in Monticello. I want to do the kind of voyeuristic things I read about in novels, too, because it's unfair that everyone else gets to have fun but me.) I feel like I can't keep waiting to have sex and I need someone immediately because I want to have sex! What should I do? I have a blanket that I use specifically for masturbating because it doesn't enter my vagina but I don't want to do it forever because I keep falling asleep and getting very hungry/daydreamy after--I then have to go out of my way to find my big pillow to hug for twenty minutes and it's just too time consuming. I want the orgasms my friends talk about, because I don't know how I can possibly live like this anymore. Is it possible to find a nice Indian boy I can marry for the sole purpose of having sex? How can I not think about sex so much?

How can I find the one and just be done with all of this? Do I have to wait until I'm 25 to be ready for marriage? Will I miss out on important life experiences if I get married right after graduation? Wouldn't it make more sense to get married when I'm still young and pretty and have options instead of when I'm 25, old, and have wrinkles? How can I meet older guys that are single? I meet lots of people in their 30s and 40s who are white but they generally aren't single and they aren't prospects given that they aren't Indian. Should I pretend to like cricket to find a nice boy or something? I actually feel like getting married is more important to me than getting in a good medical school, haha. (My Mom thinks I should wait because she regrets getting married so early.) I want my first love to be my last love, you know? I have so much to give to the right guy even though I'm sort of awkward and something of a perfectionist. Please help!!!!

posted by lotusmish to Human Relations