I am bitter about "happy people". Why am I feeling this way?
June 11, 2013 9:32 AM Subscribe
Lately, I've realized that I'm increasingly bitter and even quite angry about people that appear too happy (think your average idealized personality on Facebook).
How do you go from being an empathetic person, to thinking everyone needs to put a sock in it? I guess I could trace it back to having a chronic illness and not feeling well most of the time, as well as friends that are too immersed in their own lives/vacations to ask how I am, etc. but I am truly bewildered by my thought patterns these days. While I was walking by a few university students that were graduating (I'm currently a 2nd year undergraduate who didn't get to convocate with my peers because I took a few years off to get better) and had images of taunting them about being nothing but a number out in the world of increasing unemployment. I am not sure what is going on. Do I need therapy?
How do you go from being an empathetic person, to thinking everyone needs to put a sock in it? I guess I could trace it back to having a chronic illness and not feeling well most of the time, as well as friends that are too immersed in their own lives/vacations to ask how I am, etc. but I am truly bewildered by my thought patterns these days. While I was walking by a few university students that were graduating (I'm currently a 2nd year undergraduate who didn't get to convocate with my peers because I took a few years off to get better) and had images of taunting them about being nothing but a number out in the world of increasing unemployment. I am not sure what is going on. Do I need therapy?
Feeling bitter and angry can be a symptom of depression. Most chronic illnesses can cause or exacerbate depression, as can being isolated. Can you talk to a GP about getting screened for depression?
Also, therapy sounds like it could be helpful -- if not for the anger, then for the other stuff you're going through. Chronic illnesses are hard and frustrating! I hope things get better for you.
posted by pie ninja at 9:46 AM on June 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
Also, therapy sounds like it could be helpful -- if not for the anger, then for the other stuff you're going through. Chronic illnesses are hard and frustrating! I hope things get better for you.
posted by pie ninja at 9:46 AM on June 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
I think bitterness can be caused by wanting to blame someone else for things that are wrong in our lives. Especially when things that are hard for us seem so easy for others, it's natural to feel bitter. Maybe focusing on feeling empathy for yourself would be a good place to start.
posted by chickenmagazine at 9:48 AM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by chickenmagazine at 9:48 AM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
I actually hid someone from my Facebook feed once because it seemed like every single update this person posted was about the great run they just had, or the success of their business venture, or how happy they were with their partner, etc., and if I was having a bad day it would really rub me the wrong way. This is a thing when it comes to social media making us feel envy, exacerbating depression and anxiety, etc. It can create the illusion that other people lead perfect lives, when the reality is more that they either (a) just want everyone else to think that or (b) simply choose not to share the negative things that happen in their day-to-day.
And honestly, in a world where de-friending people is seen as a hostile act, I think liberal use of the hide feature is key to a good Facebook experience. If someone bothers you and you don't want to terminate the social link completely, just hide them.
That said, it sounds like you're worried about a larger pattern you're falling into, and talking to a therapist about that would probably be a good idea. I took a lot of time off of school when I was younger for reasons related to my health and it created some serious struggles for me in terms of feeling "behind" when I looked at my peers' lives. That sort of thinking can also lead you to being really self-critical ("why am I having such mean thoughts? am I a terrible person now?") and that doesn't help matters. A good therapist can help you work through those feelings.
posted by Kosh at 9:48 AM on June 11, 2013 [7 favorites]
And honestly, in a world where de-friending people is seen as a hostile act, I think liberal use of the hide feature is key to a good Facebook experience. If someone bothers you and you don't want to terminate the social link completely, just hide them.
That said, it sounds like you're worried about a larger pattern you're falling into, and talking to a therapist about that would probably be a good idea. I took a lot of time off of school when I was younger for reasons related to my health and it created some serious struggles for me in terms of feeling "behind" when I looked at my peers' lives. That sort of thinking can also lead you to being really self-critical ("why am I having such mean thoughts? am I a terrible person now?") and that doesn't help matters. A good therapist can help you work through those feelings.
posted by Kosh at 9:48 AM on June 11, 2013 [7 favorites]
I think your feelings are understandable. Having a chronic illness and not being able to do all the things you want to do is tough. I feel the same way sometimes and I don't even have an excuse. As long as you don't do anything to act on it (like, give your friend a hard time, or actually taunting those kids) I think you should feel free to just say "Hm, OK, I feel like this now, I guess I just feel bitter because I can't have what I want, maybe today or tomorrow I'll [take X step towards doing something I want to do]." Remove the person from your news feed and go on with your day. If you have trouble doing that, then therapy might be helpful.
posted by bleep at 9:49 AM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by bleep at 9:49 AM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
keep in mind, Facebook is the highlight reel of all your facebook friends. out of dozens of friends, each one only has to post a happy update or two for you to get a continuous stream of "happy" people.
posted by mulligan at 10:08 AM on June 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by mulligan at 10:08 AM on June 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
You're just stressed and have allowed this thought pattern to become a habit.
You can break it by noticing when you do this, then actually reminding yourself to be nice and cut other people some slack. Physically smile to reinforce that positive thought and make it a renewed habit.
posted by General Tonic at 10:17 AM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
You can break it by noticing when you do this, then actually reminding yourself to be nice and cut other people some slack. Physically smile to reinforce that positive thought and make it a renewed habit.
posted by General Tonic at 10:17 AM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
I sank into a major depression after an 18 month period in which my sister, my father and I all went through treatment for cancer, and my youngest brother died after a long illness. It took several years and lots of intense therapy to come out of it. Part of it manifested as a deep envy of other people that I never experienced before in life - I did not like it one bit.
Things are much better now and I am back to my old self following a lot of self-work and therapy of a few different modalities. I found biofeedback/neurotherapy to be especially helpful for me. Exercise and forcing myself to get more social time also helped. Although I don't meditate as much as I would like to, reading Buddhist texts and listening to podcasts often helped me find a new way to think about things.
Illness takes a LOT out of you, physically and emotionally. Find a good therapist, talk to your doctor and see if medication is appropriate for your situation, and don't be too hard on yourself or the other people around you. I hope you find some relief soon.
posted by deliciae at 10:18 AM on June 11, 2013
Things are much better now and I am back to my old self following a lot of self-work and therapy of a few different modalities. I found biofeedback/neurotherapy to be especially helpful for me. Exercise and forcing myself to get more social time also helped. Although I don't meditate as much as I would like to, reading Buddhist texts and listening to podcasts often helped me find a new way to think about things.
Illness takes a LOT out of you, physically and emotionally. Find a good therapist, talk to your doctor and see if medication is appropriate for your situation, and don't be too hard on yourself or the other people around you. I hope you find some relief soon.
posted by deliciae at 10:18 AM on June 11, 2013
Often when you find yourself being harsh or bitter about others, what is really happening is that you are being harsh on yourself. It can help to examine the feelings you have when you see others being happy, compare them to feelings you have about yourself, then try to examine where those feelings about yourself are coming from.
posted by selfnoise at 10:20 AM on June 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by selfnoise at 10:20 AM on June 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
"Hedonic Consequences of Social Comparison: A Contrast of Happy and Unhappy People".
TL;DR: unhappy people are more sensitive to comparisons with others, so I'd suppose you're experiencing a common problem the root of which has little to do with these other folks.
Therapy might be a good idea for addressing the stuff that really has you feeling badly. Doing your best to avoid contemplating the successes and happiness of others probably makes sense in the meantime.
And when it's not avoidable, practice remembering that others' situations are mostly irrelevant to yours, that criticizing them is largely futile, and that you can usually eke out a "win"--a positive and mutually beneficial social interaction--by finding something reasonable to praise in others even if the first thing that came to mind was something negative.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 10:38 AM on June 11, 2013
TL;DR: unhappy people are more sensitive to comparisons with others, so I'd suppose you're experiencing a common problem the root of which has little to do with these other folks.
Therapy might be a good idea for addressing the stuff that really has you feeling badly. Doing your best to avoid contemplating the successes and happiness of others probably makes sense in the meantime.
And when it's not avoidable, practice remembering that others' situations are mostly irrelevant to yours, that criticizing them is largely futile, and that you can usually eke out a "win"--a positive and mutually beneficial social interaction--by finding something reasonable to praise in others even if the first thing that came to mind was something negative.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 10:38 AM on June 11, 2013
I became chronically ill in college too. Fourteen years later, I'm still chronically ill and have a mostly invisible sensory disability. Pretty much everyone I come into contact with on a daily basis has no idea that I feel pretty terrible a lot of the time. Early on, I felt the way you do quite a bit...but I think it's gotten a lot more infrequent as I've gotten a bit older (currently mid-thirties). Part of that is seeing virtually all of my peers made humble by life in general—all of the challenges that take us down a notch, including health issues. I also think that it helps that I just happen to work in a field where I'm surrounded by people of all ages, so I'm faced with their own health struggles, family issues, etc. What I'm saying is you'll inevitably gain more perspective just by soldiering on through this part of your life and being out in the world, not surrounded by other happy twenty-somethings (who are kind of blamelessly basking in their intact health and good fortune, annoying as it may sometimes be).
One thing I would advise is to not really expect many other people to acknowledge how much you're suffering, how much harder it is for you to get through the day, etc. Leave that sort of thing to support groups, therapists, partners, family...and maybe (if you're lucky) a friend or two. In reality, I've found that most people are just not cut out for this kind of empathy...especially not on an ongoing basis. It's not a coincidence that the two friends I can think of that were really patient and supportive when I was really sick very early on, eventually became: a psychologist; and a social worker.
Therapy couldn't hurt. I did pursue therapy a few times over the years and will probably do so again in the future. Dropped a couple of therapists because we didn't click, and eventually found someone who was really great, and helped me change a lot of my crappier thought patterns. All the best!
posted by bennett being thrown at 10:39 AM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
One thing I would advise is to not really expect many other people to acknowledge how much you're suffering, how much harder it is for you to get through the day, etc. Leave that sort of thing to support groups, therapists, partners, family...and maybe (if you're lucky) a friend or two. In reality, I've found that most people are just not cut out for this kind of empathy...especially not on an ongoing basis. It's not a coincidence that the two friends I can think of that were really patient and supportive when I was really sick very early on, eventually became: a psychologist; and a social worker.
Therapy couldn't hurt. I did pursue therapy a few times over the years and will probably do so again in the future. Dropped a couple of therapists because we didn't click, and eventually found someone who was really great, and helped me change a lot of my crappier thought patterns. All the best!
posted by bennett being thrown at 10:39 AM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
In my experience, when someone's obsessed with posting to FB about how happy they are, they're usually trying to convince themselves.
posted by evil otto at 10:46 AM on June 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by evil otto at 10:46 AM on June 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
I totally get what you're saying. The thing I tell myself is that all feelings, good and bad, are temporary - the ones you deal with as well as the ones that others deal with. Also, as someone in this space said, don't judge other people's insides by their outsides.
I frequently struggle with envy but I've taught myself, when I've felt envious, to try to figure out what someone else doesn't have that they would really like. For example, everyone in my family has advanced degrees except me. They also have student loans to pay off that I don't have. I was jealous of a cousin who was buying a house in New Jersey but then I thought, yikes, now she has to live in New Jersey. This is not the most healthy activity - I'm sure that her neighborhood is fine - but it's a crutch you can lean on when you're struggling.
Also, props on recognizing that this is a problem and that you don't want to feel this way. You can count self-awareness as a thing you have that plenty of other people don't.
posted by kat518 at 10:46 AM on June 11, 2013
I frequently struggle with envy but I've taught myself, when I've felt envious, to try to figure out what someone else doesn't have that they would really like. For example, everyone in my family has advanced degrees except me. They also have student loans to pay off that I don't have. I was jealous of a cousin who was buying a house in New Jersey but then I thought, yikes, now she has to live in New Jersey. This is not the most healthy activity - I'm sure that her neighborhood is fine - but it's a crutch you can lean on when you're struggling.
Also, props on recognizing that this is a problem and that you don't want to feel this way. You can count self-awareness as a thing you have that plenty of other people don't.
posted by kat518 at 10:46 AM on June 11, 2013
All this bitterness and anger means the way you deal with the stress from your illness (and life in general) isn't working for you. Chronic illness and stress form a nasty feedback loop, and that means dealing with that stress is as important as dealing with the illness itself.
Think of it this way: you drop a glass on the floor and the only way you know to clean it up is to sweep those spiky little shards under the rug. You've swept them under the rug for years, but now every time you walk across that rug you end up with cut-up feet. And you get real fucking mad at the rug because your every interaction with it ends up hurting you. But your cut-up feet have nothing to do with the rug, save for the fact that it is concealing the true source of your suffering. You need to learn the right way to clean up that glass, and therapy is where you'll learn it.
posted by A god with hooves, a god with horns at 10:59 AM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Think of it this way: you drop a glass on the floor and the only way you know to clean it up is to sweep those spiky little shards under the rug. You've swept them under the rug for years, but now every time you walk across that rug you end up with cut-up feet. And you get real fucking mad at the rug because your every interaction with it ends up hurting you. But your cut-up feet have nothing to do with the rug, save for the fact that it is concealing the true source of your suffering. You need to learn the right way to clean up that glass, and therapy is where you'll learn it.
posted by A god with hooves, a god with horns at 10:59 AM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Hiya,
I had a chronic illness while I was in college and I soldiered through at about 50% of my capacity. Thank goodness the internet and social media didn't exist then because if I had seen all my friends constantly posting about nonsense, I'd have lost my shit.
I too had depression and frankly, it's a lot to take on board, especially when you're supposed to be having a ball and being carefree.
So talk to your doctor, talk to a counselor and prehaps take a break from social media for awhile.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:13 AM on June 11, 2013
I had a chronic illness while I was in college and I soldiered through at about 50% of my capacity. Thank goodness the internet and social media didn't exist then because if I had seen all my friends constantly posting about nonsense, I'd have lost my shit.
I too had depression and frankly, it's a lot to take on board, especially when you're supposed to be having a ball and being carefree.
So talk to your doctor, talk to a counselor and prehaps take a break from social media for awhile.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:13 AM on June 11, 2013
Best answer: It's pretty obvious what's going on here, you've had a horrible and frightening setback and you're envious of other people making progress you wish you'd made.
If I could point out *one* way in which you're wrong in your thinking, which, if you corrected it, would set you on the path to feeling better about this: it isn't a zero-sum game.
Other people graduating doesn't take your own future graduation away from you. There aren't a finite number of graduations in the world, which were being handed to everybody else in the world while you were standing behind the door. It sucks that you'll graduate later than your peers, but in all likelihood you will graduate.
There isn't a finite amount of happiness in the world. Other people being happy doesn't mean they're being handed all the happiness in the world while you are standing behind the door. There's plenty for everyone.
I could go on, but you see where I'm going with this.
Also, cut yourself some slack, if you're chronically ill as you write this you're just not going to have the energy to feel good about anything much. That truly truly sucks. But, although your chronic illness sucks, it wasn't caused by other people's happiness, so don't make it worse by dwelling on that thought.
What I do see coming out of this is that you feel left out and ignored by your friends, who are out there Facebooking their perfect lives and leaving you to suffer alone. Now I admit I think that's possible, especially since people in their early 20s can be thoughtless. But... even then, I urge you to ask yourself how realistic it is. Is it that you're sending them your congratulations and good wishes, and they're not reciprocating? Are they going to stuff without you that you would like to go to - is that because you can't, or they think you can't? Or is it that the isolation of your situation has led you to not contact people very much? Or is it that your friends don't really know what you want from them - which could lead them to do nothing? What do you think might happen if you called one of them up, struck up a conversation, and when they ask you how things are for you you said "actually, I'm struggling a bit today. I could really use *your* company [emphasis mine], seeing you always cheers me up [note: lie about this if you have to, statements like this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy]. I haven't got a whole lot of strength, so no doing jello shots until 2am, but how about you could come over and we eat soup and watch Family Guy?" Chances are, at least some people will respond warmly to that.
Finally - I get that some people use Facebook propagandistically, but there are good reasons for posting positive rather than negative things on social media that can be read by everyone, as it makes you vulnerable to people who might use it against you. Also, when you do see people making negative statements about their lives on social media, it quickly becomes apparent that there are other reasons why it's a bad idea; for example, I know someone who used Facebook to complain that his job was boring, his customers were contemptible, and his GF was stupid and ugly. His attempts to also use Facebook to professionally network and trawl for other women on the side were strangely unsuccessful, big wonder why.
posted by tel3path at 12:20 PM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
If I could point out *one* way in which you're wrong in your thinking, which, if you corrected it, would set you on the path to feeling better about this: it isn't a zero-sum game.
Other people graduating doesn't take your own future graduation away from you. There aren't a finite number of graduations in the world, which were being handed to everybody else in the world while you were standing behind the door. It sucks that you'll graduate later than your peers, but in all likelihood you will graduate.
There isn't a finite amount of happiness in the world. Other people being happy doesn't mean they're being handed all the happiness in the world while you are standing behind the door. There's plenty for everyone.
I could go on, but you see where I'm going with this.
Also, cut yourself some slack, if you're chronically ill as you write this you're just not going to have the energy to feel good about anything much. That truly truly sucks. But, although your chronic illness sucks, it wasn't caused by other people's happiness, so don't make it worse by dwelling on that thought.
What I do see coming out of this is that you feel left out and ignored by your friends, who are out there Facebooking their perfect lives and leaving you to suffer alone. Now I admit I think that's possible, especially since people in their early 20s can be thoughtless. But... even then, I urge you to ask yourself how realistic it is. Is it that you're sending them your congratulations and good wishes, and they're not reciprocating? Are they going to stuff without you that you would like to go to - is that because you can't, or they think you can't? Or is it that the isolation of your situation has led you to not contact people very much? Or is it that your friends don't really know what you want from them - which could lead them to do nothing? What do you think might happen if you called one of them up, struck up a conversation, and when they ask you how things are for you you said "actually, I'm struggling a bit today. I could really use *your* company [emphasis mine], seeing you always cheers me up [note: lie about this if you have to, statements like this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy]. I haven't got a whole lot of strength, so no doing jello shots until 2am, but how about you could come over and we eat soup and watch Family Guy?" Chances are, at least some people will respond warmly to that.
Finally - I get that some people use Facebook propagandistically, but there are good reasons for posting positive rather than negative things on social media that can be read by everyone, as it makes you vulnerable to people who might use it against you. Also, when you do see people making negative statements about their lives on social media, it quickly becomes apparent that there are other reasons why it's a bad idea; for example, I know someone who used Facebook to complain that his job was boring, his customers were contemptible, and his GF was stupid and ugly. His attempts to also use Facebook to professionally network and trawl for other women on the side were strangely unsuccessful, big wonder why.
posted by tel3path at 12:20 PM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh and! Another important point!
Someone posted a while back about feeling bad because their friends were talking about their great jobs on Facebook, while they were still stuck doing shitwork.
Imagine how they'd feel if all their friends were talking about their ongoing 3 years of unemployment on Facebook. That would be really encouraging, wouldn't it?
At least if your friends have great jobs, you know those jobs exist to get, and while the fact that you don't have one of those jobs may mean you're doing something wrong, at least maybe your friends can help you figure out what it is. And maybe your friends can help you figure out how to get a job like theirs.
Conversely, if all your friends were in dire straits and that thought made you *happy...* it wouldn't be a good sign.
posted by tel3path at 12:25 PM on June 11, 2013
Someone posted a while back about feeling bad because their friends were talking about their great jobs on Facebook, while they were still stuck doing shitwork.
Imagine how they'd feel if all their friends were talking about their ongoing 3 years of unemployment on Facebook. That would be really encouraging, wouldn't it?
At least if your friends have great jobs, you know those jobs exist to get, and while the fact that you don't have one of those jobs may mean you're doing something wrong, at least maybe your friends can help you figure out what it is. And maybe your friends can help you figure out how to get a job like theirs.
Conversely, if all your friends were in dire straits and that thought made you *happy...* it wouldn't be a good sign.
posted by tel3path at 12:25 PM on June 11, 2013
Irritability is a sign of depression. Chronic illness is a well-known contributor to depression. You lost years of your life to illness; it's no wonder you feel a bit bitter about people who are healthy and happy. Some things that may help
- Realize that you can't tell what's under anyone else's skin. Stephen Fry is successful, well-reviewed, loved, and suicidal. Catherine Zeta-Jones is beautiful, talented, successful and bipolar. Some of those happy graduates are facing crippling debt. Some are uncertain about their future, have eating issues, are terrified, etc. You can't tell.
- I think you are genuinely happy for your friends who are doing well, but angry about your lost time and life, and the pain and misery of illness. That's a perfectly reasonable way to feel, but it's eating you up. Therapy can be a path to acceptance of misfortune.
- Find whatever's positive. I have been through a rough patch with health and personal crises, and feel better when I look at how much better off I am than somebody who doesn't have good health insurance or who has lots of debt, or whatever. I try not to focus on the lack of family support because they're all so far away, or the people in my life who have been mean or bullying, etc. I think about being lucky to have an affectionate dog, access to nature, good friends, etc.
- Find a support group of people who have similar experiences. There are support groups online, on facebook, or in real life. You need to commiserate with people who can understand what you've experienced, who will know that even though you look fine, you may be in pain, or who understand how it feels to lose a chunk of your life to illness.
- Sometimes, comedy is therapeutic. Watch some funny movies and tv shows, and listen to upbeat music, show tunes, etc. Read jokes.
- Watch Ted talks and anything else that will inspire you and help you look forward.
posted by theora55 at 12:26 PM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
- Realize that you can't tell what's under anyone else's skin. Stephen Fry is successful, well-reviewed, loved, and suicidal. Catherine Zeta-Jones is beautiful, talented, successful and bipolar. Some of those happy graduates are facing crippling debt. Some are uncertain about their future, have eating issues, are terrified, etc. You can't tell.
- I think you are genuinely happy for your friends who are doing well, but angry about your lost time and life, and the pain and misery of illness. That's a perfectly reasonable way to feel, but it's eating you up. Therapy can be a path to acceptance of misfortune.
- Find whatever's positive. I have been through a rough patch with health and personal crises, and feel better when I look at how much better off I am than somebody who doesn't have good health insurance or who has lots of debt, or whatever. I try not to focus on the lack of family support because they're all so far away, or the people in my life who have been mean or bullying, etc. I think about being lucky to have an affectionate dog, access to nature, good friends, etc.
- Find a support group of people who have similar experiences. There are support groups online, on facebook, or in real life. You need to commiserate with people who can understand what you've experienced, who will know that even though you look fine, you may be in pain, or who understand how it feels to lose a chunk of your life to illness.
- Sometimes, comedy is therapeutic. Watch some funny movies and tv shows, and listen to upbeat music, show tunes, etc. Read jokes.
- Watch Ted talks and anything else that will inspire you and help you look forward.
posted by theora55 at 12:26 PM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't know...I think it's perfectly normal when you are having a bad and stressful time yourself to want to strangle everyone you meet, especially those damned cheerful people, who do they think they are anyway! And don't remind me about those effing idealists, first ones against the wall.
To the point where when I find myself being strangely vindictive and contemptuous of strangers in the subway I start checking in on myself: How am I really doing? How bad do I feel? What can I do against it?
That said, you may well have a depression and obviously your chronic illness and feelings of neglect are a league above my garden variety annoyance. So definitely listen to the advice given above.
All I'm saying is, just because you feel assholish towards happy people right now doesn't mean you actually are turning into an asshole, it just means you're having a really hard time right now.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:11 PM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
To the point where when I find myself being strangely vindictive and contemptuous of strangers in the subway I start checking in on myself: How am I really doing? How bad do I feel? What can I do against it?
That said, you may well have a depression and obviously your chronic illness and feelings of neglect are a league above my garden variety annoyance. So definitely listen to the advice given above.
All I'm saying is, just because you feel assholish towards happy people right now doesn't mean you actually are turning into an asshole, it just means you're having a really hard time right now.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:11 PM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't think you should give yourself too much trouble about this, especially if you live in the US. Americans set greater store on acting happy in public than any other culture I know. It's completely normal to feel angry and bitter at times, especially given what you've been going through. But in our culture, these aren't feelings you're allowed to show in public. This has the effect that, when you're unhappy and surrounded by seemingly happy people, you feel lonely and hence even more unhappy. If you lived in, say, Britain (which I'm assuming you don't), where there's a general tacit agreement that life isn't always a glorious cycle of song, this might be less of a problem.
So, although I agree with previous commenters that it can't hurt to look into therapy (to work on the deeper issues behind your discontentment, not necessarily on the "bitterness towards happy-seeming people problem"), and although in the long term I would strongly recommend mindfulness meditation, which is the best cure for bitterness I know, at the moment it might help to watch some bitter British comedians. You could start with Frankie Boyle.
posted by zeri at 5:44 PM on June 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
So, although I agree with previous commenters that it can't hurt to look into therapy (to work on the deeper issues behind your discontentment, not necessarily on the "bitterness towards happy-seeming people problem"), and although in the long term I would strongly recommend mindfulness meditation, which is the best cure for bitterness I know, at the moment it might help to watch some bitter British comedians. You could start with Frankie Boyle.
posted by zeri at 5:44 PM on June 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
If one only wished to be happy, this could be easily accomplished; but we wish to be happier than other people, and this is always difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are.
Montesquieu
posted by bukvich at 6:05 PM on June 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
Montesquieu
posted by bukvich at 6:05 PM on June 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
I struggle with this too, although I have not had a chronic illness. My boyfriend wakes up feeling generally happy and in a positive disposition whereas I can always find something to worry about right off the bat. My feeling is that there is a spectrum of people's average "baseline" happiness states and that that is a meaningful part of what makes us human. Your general emotional state is a viable and important representation of the human spectrum of emotional baseline state. "Happy" people don't have more of a claim on living a meaningful life than anyone else, other people just find it differently, and still have a lot to offer the world.
I guess this is just a nice way of saying I stopped giving a crap about other people and their life journeys or whatever, and letting it affect me. I gotta admit it was ultimately motivated by laziness because it turned about to be a lot less work to just not care, than to put all this energy into giving a crap and feeling crappy about not feeling some specific way about life. I still care about people, I just let their emotions roll off me a little better now.
I hope you feel better (more peaceful, more at ease, whatever) soon. I'm going to leave you with this piece by Max Ehrmann, it might not be for you but it's always calmed me in moments where this discontent is especially intense.
posted by shortskirtlongjacket at 6:43 PM on June 11, 2013
I guess this is just a nice way of saying I stopped giving a crap about other people and their life journeys or whatever, and letting it affect me. I gotta admit it was ultimately motivated by laziness because it turned about to be a lot less work to just not care, than to put all this energy into giving a crap and feeling crappy about not feeling some specific way about life. I still care about people, I just let their emotions roll off me a little better now.
I hope you feel better (more peaceful, more at ease, whatever) soon. I'm going to leave you with this piece by Max Ehrmann, it might not be for you but it's always calmed me in moments where this discontent is especially intense.
posted by shortskirtlongjacket at 6:43 PM on June 11, 2013
I've been waylaid by chronic illness for the past two years and often find myself hating everyone and their goddamned perfect lives, too. It means we're both terrible people.
Nah, just kidding.
Therapy is never a bad idea, in my opinion. Depression can sometimes manifest in exactly the way you are describing, and chronic illness is a risk factor for depression.
In the mean time, stop looking at Facebook. When you find yourself looking at Facebook despite this advice (who doesn't like torturing themselves with Facebook?), remember that what you are looking at isn't real. I have FB friends whose profiles and walls are full of beautiful photos and clever and happy updates, when I know for a fact they are often miserable. And last year I mentioned to a few friends in a private group on Facebook how awful I was feeling and several of them expressed surprise and said they would never have guessed anything was going on, based on my online presentation. You really only need two or three good minutes in a day to have an upbeat FB presence. I don't even think it's malicious or deliberately misleading--people are just more likely to share good things than bad, and to go silent when things are really bad.
I also find actually talking to people helps with this. I had a friend years ago whom I loved very much, but I found myself more and more resenting her because her life seemed so perfect. We didn't see each other as often as we once had, and I was making up all these great things in my head for her life. Then we re-connected and she filled me in on reality and I realized I was making all kinds of assumptions that weren't true. Her life was as full of good and bad as anyone's. Now when I find myself feeling grumpy about someone else's perfect life, I try to connect with them to get my head on straight. Even if their life turns out to be perfect after all (which really never happens) just having a conversation and remembering why I liked them makes a big difference.
Anyway, I sympathize. I feel like I've fallen behind my peers, career-wise, with this set back. But like you, it has been a temporary one. Once you get you get back on track and move forward with your degree, you'll probably feel better.
posted by looli at 7:17 PM on June 11, 2013
Nah, just kidding.
Therapy is never a bad idea, in my opinion. Depression can sometimes manifest in exactly the way you are describing, and chronic illness is a risk factor for depression.
In the mean time, stop looking at Facebook. When you find yourself looking at Facebook despite this advice (who doesn't like torturing themselves with Facebook?), remember that what you are looking at isn't real. I have FB friends whose profiles and walls are full of beautiful photos and clever and happy updates, when I know for a fact they are often miserable. And last year I mentioned to a few friends in a private group on Facebook how awful I was feeling and several of them expressed surprise and said they would never have guessed anything was going on, based on my online presentation. You really only need two or three good minutes in a day to have an upbeat FB presence. I don't even think it's malicious or deliberately misleading--people are just more likely to share good things than bad, and to go silent when things are really bad.
I also find actually talking to people helps with this. I had a friend years ago whom I loved very much, but I found myself more and more resenting her because her life seemed so perfect. We didn't see each other as often as we once had, and I was making up all these great things in my head for her life. Then we re-connected and she filled me in on reality and I realized I was making all kinds of assumptions that weren't true. Her life was as full of good and bad as anyone's. Now when I find myself feeling grumpy about someone else's perfect life, I try to connect with them to get my head on straight. Even if their life turns out to be perfect after all (which really never happens) just having a conversation and remembering why I liked them makes a big difference.
Anyway, I sympathize. I feel like I've fallen behind my peers, career-wise, with this set back. But like you, it has been a temporary one. Once you get you get back on track and move forward with your degree, you'll probably feel better.
posted by looli at 7:17 PM on June 11, 2013
You should Facebook friend me. All I ever do is post about how much my life sucks. It would make you feel better about your own life in comparison.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:07 PM on June 11, 2013
posted by Jacqueline at 9:07 PM on June 11, 2013
Yes, you sound like you're being bitter. Yes, we all get snarky about happy shiny Facebook crap, but being resentful of graduates like you describe is kind of mean. Don't be a hater. It can develop into a lifelong misery, and quite possibly wouldn't do your chronic illness any good either.
General remedies may include acts of generosity towards people, accounting for your own achievements and expressing gratitude for what you have. If you need to, it may take some time of getting into new thinking habits.
Get help where you need it. Have contact with people who are in your situation with regards to your health. Address any problems but don't *dwell* on them or define yourself by them. My mother used to remind us that there were always people worse of than ourselves.
posted by inkypinky at 6:45 AM on June 12, 2013
General remedies may include acts of generosity towards people, accounting for your own achievements and expressing gratitude for what you have. If you need to, it may take some time of getting into new thinking habits.
Get help where you need it. Have contact with people who are in your situation with regards to your health. Address any problems but don't *dwell* on them or define yourself by them. My mother used to remind us that there were always people worse of than ourselves.
posted by inkypinky at 6:45 AM on June 12, 2013
My mother used to remind us that there were always people worse of than ourselves.
Making yourself feel better because others are worse off can't be said to be any nicer than feeling resentful about other people graduating with their class.
It's natural to be feeling a bit bitter about people who are doing what you'd be doing if you hadn't had to deal with your illness. Thinking about them being unemployed is a way of comforting yourself for being in school now -- after all, hiring may have picked up by the time you graduate.
If you can find an in person or online support group for people with chronic illness, especially if it's for people your age or for students, this can be a great place to discuss some of these things. It's hard to discuss chronic illness and not feeling well for an extended time with many people, because it makes them feel vulnerable, and they don't like to think about it -- and it ends up skewing a lot of your conversations and interactions in a subtle way.
You say your friends don't ask how you are, and I'm guessing you've found yourself more an more reluctant to talk about "bad days" with your illness because of reactions you get; but if you had a "bad day" where you couldn't find your keys, got a speeding ticket, and a stain on your shirt you'd be having a different conversation.
You are missing out on the ordinary give and take of discussion of the good and bad in your life, because people who haven't been through your experiences can't deal with it.
Therapy if you want, but I think the main thing is you just need people to talk to who have been where you are at, people who can react to you telling them about a negative experience as just a part of life that happens, instead of retreating in terror from discussing it. School can be really insular, and you might not meet many people who haven't followed the standard path.
posted by yohko at 5:32 PM on June 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Making yourself feel better because others are worse off can't be said to be any nicer than feeling resentful about other people graduating with their class.
It's natural to be feeling a bit bitter about people who are doing what you'd be doing if you hadn't had to deal with your illness. Thinking about them being unemployed is a way of comforting yourself for being in school now -- after all, hiring may have picked up by the time you graduate.
If you can find an in person or online support group for people with chronic illness, especially if it's for people your age or for students, this can be a great place to discuss some of these things. It's hard to discuss chronic illness and not feeling well for an extended time with many people, because it makes them feel vulnerable, and they don't like to think about it -- and it ends up skewing a lot of your conversations and interactions in a subtle way.
You say your friends don't ask how you are, and I'm guessing you've found yourself more an more reluctant to talk about "bad days" with your illness because of reactions you get; but if you had a "bad day" where you couldn't find your keys, got a speeding ticket, and a stain on your shirt you'd be having a different conversation.
You are missing out on the ordinary give and take of discussion of the good and bad in your life, because people who haven't been through your experiences can't deal with it.
Therapy if you want, but I think the main thing is you just need people to talk to who have been where you are at, people who can react to you telling them about a negative experience as just a part of life that happens, instead of retreating in terror from discussing it. School can be really insular, and you might not meet many people who haven't followed the standard path.
posted by yohko at 5:32 PM on June 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I find that "faking" excitement and happiness for others tends to get infectious, and after a while, the good vibes come back to me. If you're celebrating everybody's birthdays, anniversaries, new jobs, and happiness, they in turn will ask after you and how you're doing.
Being isolated tends to make me bitter.
posted by xingcat at 9:40 AM on June 11, 2013 [8 favorites]