Can a relationship progress if you see each other only on weekends?
June 9, 2013 9:09 PM Subscribe
We usually get together Friday evening, spend all day Saturday, and then I go home Sunday afternoon. He's a self-employed lawyer and has had a habit of going into the office Sunday afternoons to prepare for court Monday. (He goes to court Monday afternoons after working in his office that morning and then works in his office the rest of the week.) If there's a holiday Monday or special event (e.g., Superbowl), he skips going to the office Sunday afternoon, and I'll usually stay Sunday night.
He says he's tired during the week and just wants to "crash" lots of nights after getting in from work, so he's not big on doing anything during the week. We do exchange texts every day, and he generally calls me a couple of nights during the week. Occasionally, I call him. While school is going on, I am usually pretty busy, too, as I teach all day and then teach one or two evening classes. Very rarely, we do something during the week (usually at his suggestion), but there are times I'd like to see him more than just weekends.
Some background info: we have been seeing each other since January 2012, with a brief 3-month break last year, during which we worked through some issues. We are both divorced. I was married for about 16 years, and he was married for 19. He's been divorced for 16 years, much longer than I have.
His ex cheated on him, and he says he has defense mechanisms. I'm the first person he's had an actual relationship with since his divorce. He dated a few people, but he says until he met me, his inclination was to "run." I'm wondering, too, if he moves at a slow pace when it comes to commitment. He also said it took him a long time to "get into" his relationship with his ex, as they dated for 7 years before getting married. Although he is not verbally affectionate and prefers to show care in other ways, he has told me he loves me. He also wanted to be exclusive almost immediately after we started going out, so we haven't been seeing other people anytime we've been together.
It's not a long-distance relationship. We live about 12 miles apart, but I'm about to move into town and will be about two miles from him. (It's in a small town.) I'm not purposefully moving closer to him, but there's nothing to do where I've lived for the past five years, and I'll be closer to some volunteer activities in which I'm involved.
I'm willing to give him some time if he simply moves at a slower pace, but I don't know if I want merely to be his "weekend lover" five years from now. I am not ready right now, but I might be open in the future to cohabitation or marriage with someone.
This question is kind of a follow-up to my previous post: http://ask.metafilter.com/240863/Should-I-feel-hurt-that-my-boyfriend-may-be-going-on-a-trip-without-me
I think he does care about me but, yes, has become comfortable. I have communicated the desire to see him more, and he says he realizes maybe he has been too casual, which he says he guesses comes from being single for so long after his divorce. He says he compartmentalizes, which has been a coping mechanism of his for years. He has been calling me a little more during the week after I communicated my feelings to him a couple of weeks ago.
We hug, kiss, touch, and are intimate, but, yes, he isn't overly affectionate (hand-holding, saying "I love you," "I miss you," etc.) As I mentioned, though, he does show care in other ways and does "romantic" stuff in his own way. He took me to a really nice restaurant for my birthday and bought me a massage. He gave me a dozen roses on Valentine's Day. He always cooks breakfast for me Saturday and Sunday.
He seems to want to make sure I have an enjoyable time when we're together, whether we go out for dinner and a movie, go away for a weekend event like a concert, or just stay home and eat pizza and watch a movie. (We do share similar interests in movies, literature, politics, etc.) He also likes to joke with me and pick at me in a fun way. He bought me a haiku book at the local coffee shop last week because he knows I like poetry. He takes an interest in the community theater where I volunteer.
If I go to the doctor, he wants to know how it turned out. The air isn't working in the apartment into which I'm in the process of moving, and yesterday he wanted to know how that was coming along. Last summer, I had a fender-bender and texted him, after which he called me from work immediately to make sure I was okay.
I've met all of his family (including two siblings) and been out with his elderly parents on several occasions and to their home. (He said his mother just about cried after meeting me because she likes me, and it's been so long since he's had someone in his life.) I've met his three grown children and done things with them, including a trip where we all met up together.
He says he's tired during the week and just wants to "crash" lots of nights after getting in from work, so he's not big on doing anything during the week. We do exchange texts every day, and he generally calls me a couple of nights during the week. Occasionally, I call him. While school is going on, I am usually pretty busy, too, as I teach all day and then teach one or two evening classes. Very rarely, we do something during the week (usually at his suggestion), but there are times I'd like to see him more than just weekends.
Some background info: we have been seeing each other since January 2012, with a brief 3-month break last year, during which we worked through some issues. We are both divorced. I was married for about 16 years, and he was married for 19. He's been divorced for 16 years, much longer than I have.
His ex cheated on him, and he says he has defense mechanisms. I'm the first person he's had an actual relationship with since his divorce. He dated a few people, but he says until he met me, his inclination was to "run." I'm wondering, too, if he moves at a slow pace when it comes to commitment. He also said it took him a long time to "get into" his relationship with his ex, as they dated for 7 years before getting married. Although he is not verbally affectionate and prefers to show care in other ways, he has told me he loves me. He also wanted to be exclusive almost immediately after we started going out, so we haven't been seeing other people anytime we've been together.
It's not a long-distance relationship. We live about 12 miles apart, but I'm about to move into town and will be about two miles from him. (It's in a small town.) I'm not purposefully moving closer to him, but there's nothing to do where I've lived for the past five years, and I'll be closer to some volunteer activities in which I'm involved.
I'm willing to give him some time if he simply moves at a slower pace, but I don't know if I want merely to be his "weekend lover" five years from now. I am not ready right now, but I might be open in the future to cohabitation or marriage with someone.
This question is kind of a follow-up to my previous post: http://ask.metafilter.com/240863/Should-I-feel-hurt-that-my-boyfriend-may-be-going-on-a-trip-without-me
I think he does care about me but, yes, has become comfortable. I have communicated the desire to see him more, and he says he realizes maybe he has been too casual, which he says he guesses comes from being single for so long after his divorce. He says he compartmentalizes, which has been a coping mechanism of his for years. He has been calling me a little more during the week after I communicated my feelings to him a couple of weeks ago.
We hug, kiss, touch, and are intimate, but, yes, he isn't overly affectionate (hand-holding, saying "I love you," "I miss you," etc.) As I mentioned, though, he does show care in other ways and does "romantic" stuff in his own way. He took me to a really nice restaurant for my birthday and bought me a massage. He gave me a dozen roses on Valentine's Day. He always cooks breakfast for me Saturday and Sunday.
He seems to want to make sure I have an enjoyable time when we're together, whether we go out for dinner and a movie, go away for a weekend event like a concert, or just stay home and eat pizza and watch a movie. (We do share similar interests in movies, literature, politics, etc.) He also likes to joke with me and pick at me in a fun way. He bought me a haiku book at the local coffee shop last week because he knows I like poetry. He takes an interest in the community theater where I volunteer.
If I go to the doctor, he wants to know how it turned out. The air isn't working in the apartment into which I'm in the process of moving, and yesterday he wanted to know how that was coming along. Last summer, I had a fender-bender and texted him, after which he called me from work immediately to make sure I was okay.
I've met all of his family (including two siblings) and been out with his elderly parents on several occasions and to their home. (He said his mother just about cried after meeting me because she likes me, and it's been so long since he's had someone in his life.) I've met his three grown children and done things with them, including a trip where we all met up together.
If he's not investing and using work as an excuse, and you're frustrated, stop investing. What makes him so worth it that you can't look for guys who are more open and prioritize spending time w/ you. You'll just feel lonely and frustrated if you keep hanging on to him.
In short, you don't seem happy with him. So end it. You don't want to get caught in a faux relationship.
posted by discopolo at 9:31 PM on June 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
In short, you don't seem happy with him. So end it. You don't want to get caught in a faux relationship.
posted by discopolo at 9:31 PM on June 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'm willing to give him some time if he simply moves at a slower pace, but I don't know if I want merely to be his "weekend lover" five years from now.
I am not ready right now, but I might be open in the future to cohabitation or marriage with someone.
My question would be what exactly do you want from him at this point in terms of more intimacy? The one concrete thing you've mentioned is to see him occasionally on weekday evenings. Given that you're moving quite a bit closer, it seems that you could cook dinner together one night a week, watch a movie, or just drink a glass of wine and look at the sunset. Since you're both busy people, I don't know if staying the night would be all that great in terms of work life and other commitments, but an pleasant evening or two might make you feel more intimate without anyone feeling crowded.
Sounds to me like you need to sit down and talk about goals and expectations. There doesn't have to be a consensus at this point, but perhaps it's time to get some ideas on the table.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:31 PM on June 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
I am not ready right now, but I might be open in the future to cohabitation or marriage with someone.
My question would be what exactly do you want from him at this point in terms of more intimacy? The one concrete thing you've mentioned is to see him occasionally on weekday evenings. Given that you're moving quite a bit closer, it seems that you could cook dinner together one night a week, watch a movie, or just drink a glass of wine and look at the sunset. Since you're both busy people, I don't know if staying the night would be all that great in terms of work life and other commitments, but an pleasant evening or two might make you feel more intimate without anyone feeling crowded.
Sounds to me like you need to sit down and talk about goals and expectations. There doesn't have to be a consensus at this point, but perhaps it's time to get some ideas on the table.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:31 PM on June 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
Also, you're wasting numerous opportunities to find what you want and need. If a relationship isn't progressing, end it.
Go google "baggage reclaim" and read her posts. See if they ring true. You don't have to accept his scraps of affection. Yeah, he bought you a book. Lots of guys buy things for women for a number of reasons, either because he's in love or because he likes you, etc. all the way to he feels guilty or wants to keep you invested a little longer by feigning interest and stalling to buy time to decide what to do.
It's time to figure out if this suits you. He can say a lot of things you want to hear, but how you feel and figuring out what you need is most important, and you shouldn't minimize the importance of that or sacrifice it to accommodate a guy who can't be bothered to spend more time w/you.
posted by discopolo at 9:41 PM on June 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
Go google "baggage reclaim" and read her posts. See if they ring true. You don't have to accept his scraps of affection. Yeah, he bought you a book. Lots of guys buy things for women for a number of reasons, either because he's in love or because he likes you, etc. all the way to he feels guilty or wants to keep you invested a little longer by feigning interest and stalling to buy time to decide what to do.
It's time to figure out if this suits you. He can say a lot of things you want to hear, but how you feel and figuring out what you need is most important, and you shouldn't minimize the importance of that or sacrifice it to accommodate a guy who can't be bothered to spend more time w/you.
posted by discopolo at 9:41 PM on June 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
He says he's tired during the week and just wants to "crash" lots of nights after getting in from work, so he's not big on doing anything during the week. We do exchange texts every day, and he generally calls me a couple of nights during the week. Occasionally, I call him. While school is going on, I am usually pretty busy, too, as I teach all day and then teach one or two evening classes. Very rarely, we do something during the week (usually at his suggestion), but there are times I'd like to see him more than just weekends.
The thing i want to clarify on this part is basically, does it feel like a structural issue here? As in, do you not regularly hang out during the week because you're both working or tired after work and just go home? or does it feel arbitrary.
I think this is a very different situation if it seems like a choice is being made to not spend time with you here, Vs if both of you just happen to have schedules that align as far as when you're active and when you just go home and watch some netflix and zonk out.
With that determined, the Big Question would be do you see this changing in a meaningful amount of time. Whether this is structural or by choice, do you see his(or your!) schedules changing in a way that makes it plausible to spend time together during the week?
The reason i'm curious about this, is that my current relationship started out in a very similar way where work schedules/school/commitments caused us to basically only see eachother on the weekends, but then our schedules changed allowing us to spend a lot more time together.
Even if this seems like a constructed thing on his part though, the real question here is do you see it changing.
posted by emptythought at 10:00 PM on June 9, 2013
The thing i want to clarify on this part is basically, does it feel like a structural issue here? As in, do you not regularly hang out during the week because you're both working or tired after work and just go home? or does it feel arbitrary.
I think this is a very different situation if it seems like a choice is being made to not spend time with you here, Vs if both of you just happen to have schedules that align as far as when you're active and when you just go home and watch some netflix and zonk out.
With that determined, the Big Question would be do you see this changing in a meaningful amount of time. Whether this is structural or by choice, do you see his(or your!) schedules changing in a way that makes it plausible to spend time together during the week?
The reason i'm curious about this, is that my current relationship started out in a very similar way where work schedules/school/commitments caused us to basically only see eachother on the weekends, but then our schedules changed allowing us to spend a lot more time together.
Even if this seems like a constructed thing on his part though, the real question here is do you see it changing.
posted by emptythought at 10:00 PM on June 9, 2013
I was married for about 16 years, and he was married for 19. He's been divorced for 16 years, much longer than I have... He also said it took him a long time to "get into" his relationship with his ex, as they dated for 7 years before getting married.
OK, this guy has to be in his sixties, or is my math wrong? Do you have any idea if he has plans to retire? Romantically, age is not necessarily a big factor but practically, this is a time when many people are thinking about making pretty big changes in their lives. Maybe he's not; maybe he's planning to leave the courtroom feet first and to keep the rest of his life exactly as it is until that day. Point being, knowing about this stuff would also give you a good idea of where the relationship is going.
posted by BibiRose at 10:01 PM on June 9, 2013
OK, this guy has to be in his sixties, or is my math wrong? Do you have any idea if he has plans to retire? Romantically, age is not necessarily a big factor but practically, this is a time when many people are thinking about making pretty big changes in their lives. Maybe he's not; maybe he's planning to leave the courtroom feet first and to keep the rest of his life exactly as it is until that day. Point being, knowing about this stuff would also give you a good idea of where the relationship is going.
posted by BibiRose at 10:01 PM on June 9, 2013
He says he's tired during the week and just wants to "crash" lots of nights after getting in from work, so he's not big on doing anything during the week.
Wait, 12 miles? We are not talking about fighting DC Maryland Suburbs/NOVA traffic for two hours, we are talking about 12 miles in an area you describe as a "small town".
Also wonder about his age and energy level. He does not want to drive 12 miles or even have you over or go out to dinner during the week? That would not work for me.
posted by mlis at 10:05 PM on June 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
Wait, 12 miles? We are not talking about fighting DC Maryland Suburbs/NOVA traffic for two hours, we are talking about 12 miles in an area you describe as a "small town".
Also wonder about his age and energy level. He does not want to drive 12 miles or even have you over or go out to dinner during the week? That would not work for me.
posted by mlis at 10:05 PM on June 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't have the impression that you are greatly unhappy with him. Rather I have the impression that you have some uncertainties about where your relationship is headed, and at what pace. My answer to the question of whether it can progress would be that every situation is different and it's hard to know whether yours can develop into something more than a weekend lover situation fairly soon. He seems like a decent and open guy, so why don't you just talk to him openly about your concerns?
posted by Dansaman at 10:17 PM on June 9, 2013
posted by Dansaman at 10:17 PM on June 9, 2013
Response by poster: Yes, he's 61. I'm just over 20 years younger. However, we share so many common interests (music, movies, politics) that it's uncanny.
To answer, he says he currently has no plans to retire. While school is going on, even though I teach Monday + Wednesday evenings, I would like to get together each week on Tuesday or Thursday, even if just for dinner. He says he's just really tired and doesn't want to see anyone in the evening when he gets home. There are times I would be okay just doing "mundane" things together around the house. The main thing for me is spending some time together, no matter what we are doing.
I think if someone cares about you, over time, they would want to spend more time with you. I guess I just feel excluded from his life in some ways (like the trip he's taking without me, referenced in the previous post I mentioned above), even though he says he cares about me.
As an aside, one thing that I don't understand is that he doesn't mind me staying overnight on the weekends or holidays when his sons (age 25--lives there part time--and age 30--lives out of town) are there, but if his daughter (age 27--lives out of town) is there he says he doesn't feel comfortable with me staying overnight, even if it's the weekend, when I usually stay there, and she knows it. As I said earlier, I have been around all of his children and like them, and they seem to like me.
posted by femmefatale123 at 10:21 PM on June 9, 2013
To answer, he says he currently has no plans to retire. While school is going on, even though I teach Monday + Wednesday evenings, I would like to get together each week on Tuesday or Thursday, even if just for dinner. He says he's just really tired and doesn't want to see anyone in the evening when he gets home. There are times I would be okay just doing "mundane" things together around the house. The main thing for me is spending some time together, no matter what we are doing.
I think if someone cares about you, over time, they would want to spend more time with you. I guess I just feel excluded from his life in some ways (like the trip he's taking without me, referenced in the previous post I mentioned above), even though he says he cares about me.
As an aside, one thing that I don't understand is that he doesn't mind me staying overnight on the weekends or holidays when his sons (age 25--lives there part time--and age 30--lives out of town) are there, but if his daughter (age 27--lives out of town) is there he says he doesn't feel comfortable with me staying overnight, even if it's the weekend, when I usually stay there, and she knows it. As I said earlier, I have been around all of his children and like them, and they seem to like me.
posted by femmefatale123 at 10:21 PM on June 9, 2013
I think if someone cares about you, over time, they would want to spend more time with you. I guess I just feel excluded from his life in some ways (like the trip he's taking without me, referenced in the previous post I mentioned above), even though he says he cares about me.
If you don't feel cared for, then you're not being cared for. Go find what you need. It's a big world, and he's not in sync with you or for you. Stop seeing him and find someone who gives you more than crumbs and confuses you and doesn't make you feel wanted or good. You're much too young for that. Everyone is.
posted by discopolo at 11:00 PM on June 9, 2013 [6 favorites]
If you don't feel cared for, then you're not being cared for. Go find what you need. It's a big world, and he's not in sync with you or for you. Stop seeing him and find someone who gives you more than crumbs and confuses you and doesn't make you feel wanted or good. You're much too young for that. Everyone is.
posted by discopolo at 11:00 PM on June 9, 2013 [6 favorites]
I would like to get together each week on Tuesday or Thursday, even if just for dinner. He says he's just really tired and doesn't want to see anyone in the evening when he gets home.
Then no, he doesn't want to live with you, or with anyone else.
I think if someone cares about you, over time, they would want to spend more time with you.
That's you. That's not him.
Look, you keep asking questions that amount to "does my boyfriend like me?" and getting answers that range from "chill, everything is fine" to "he's just not that into you." At this point it sort of doesn't matter. The relationship you describe sounds ideal to me, but your boyfriend isn't dating me, he's dating you and this is not the relationship you want.
Has he said he loves you? Because it's been a year and a half and that would seem pretty key here.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:02 PM on June 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
Then no, he doesn't want to live with you, or with anyone else.
I think if someone cares about you, over time, they would want to spend more time with you.
That's you. That's not him.
Look, you keep asking questions that amount to "does my boyfriend like me?" and getting answers that range from "chill, everything is fine" to "he's just not that into you." At this point it sort of doesn't matter. The relationship you describe sounds ideal to me, but your boyfriend isn't dating me, he's dating you and this is not the relationship you want.
Has he said he loves you? Because it's been a year and a half and that would seem pretty key here.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:02 PM on June 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
My boyfriend (59) and I (53) have a tremendously happy, loving, and supportive 5-year relationship and we mostly see each other on weekends - rarely during the week. It may be different for us because, although he might be open to cohabitation or marriage, I'm less inclined toward those. If you are thinking about "progress" in a relationship being a permanent move like that, pay no attention to me.
He has an adult son. I have no children (by choice). I have been divorced once (18 years ago), he has been divorced twice (most recently, 9 years ago). We each have busy careers and our own way of doing things. For us to live together, we would probably need a pretty big place. But instead of that, we are each welcome in the other's home and we really appreciate the time we have together.
I am a little slow with the words "I love you", as I think it takes a minimum of 9 to 12 months to know someone well enough to know whether you love them. It took him 4 years to say it to me. He acts like he loves me (and he says it frequently now) so I wasn't bothered.
This is the strongest and best relationship I've ever had. If I need him, he's there. It's just that neither of us is at all interested in the "whatcha doooin?" phone calls or trying to fit our respective diets together every day.
So for my money, the answer to your question is "yes," but only you know if you are happy and loved and safe and cherished.
posted by janey47 at 11:02 PM on June 9, 2013 [6 favorites]
He has an adult son. I have no children (by choice). I have been divorced once (18 years ago), he has been divorced twice (most recently, 9 years ago). We each have busy careers and our own way of doing things. For us to live together, we would probably need a pretty big place. But instead of that, we are each welcome in the other's home and we really appreciate the time we have together.
I am a little slow with the words "I love you", as I think it takes a minimum of 9 to 12 months to know someone well enough to know whether you love them. It took him 4 years to say it to me. He acts like he loves me (and he says it frequently now) so I wasn't bothered.
This is the strongest and best relationship I've ever had. If I need him, he's there. It's just that neither of us is at all interested in the "whatcha doooin?" phone calls or trying to fit our respective diets together every day.
So for my money, the answer to your question is "yes," but only you know if you are happy and loved and safe and cherished.
posted by janey47 at 11:02 PM on June 9, 2013 [6 favorites]
This kind of relationship works really well if both people have the same expectations and needs. I'm one of those. Fourteen years ago when I was 48 years old, single for a long time, divorced with grown kids and no particular interest in marrying again, I started going out with a man with whom I had a compatible blend of attitudes. He had a house 14 miles from my house. We got together every weekend and a few times a year for 2-3 week trips. It was like a little honeymoon every weekend. Occasionally we got together mid-week for special events. A few years into the relationship, we agreed that we were lifetime partners, best friends, buddies, lovers. We continued this arrangement for over 12 years and it was ideal, except for all the driving back and forth, one weekend at my house, one weekend at his. Seattle traffic keeps getting worse, especially crossing the bridges.
Two years ago we got fed up with the driving and after a lot of pissing and moaning, procrastination on my part and serious qualms, we made a joint decision for me to move to his house and for me to rent out my house. He has always lived in the bottom floor and rented out the main floor of a nice Craftsman house. I now live on the main floor! He has 2 cats who live downstairs and I have 3 who live upstairs. We adopted a dog last year who we share. We see each other during the day and have dinner together every night and I spend every Saturday night downstairs with him but otherwise sleep upstairs. Two years later, I love living like this. We each have our own spaces and privacy but he's just 15 steps away. We know that we're lucky to be able to do this. Most people who know us think it's a brilliant modern solution for two independent people to share their lives. We're not getting married anytime soon.
Your boyfriend is 60 and you're around 40 if I read that right and that could be a critical factor. My partner and I are are similar places in our lives at 63 and 66. He didn't have children and he loves and supports my children fiercely so we never had the 'kids' issues. Maybe I'm really lucky (which I am) but I do believe that for some relationships, space and independence is important. Both partners have to honestly assess their needs. I was clear that I didn't want or need to be married. YMMV but do try to consider that non-traditional relationships can work and it sounds like you two also have a compatible blend of attitudes - nothing to sniff at these days!
Best of luck!
posted by lois1950 at 11:20 PM on June 9, 2013 [11 favorites]
Two years ago we got fed up with the driving and after a lot of pissing and moaning, procrastination on my part and serious qualms, we made a joint decision for me to move to his house and for me to rent out my house. He has always lived in the bottom floor and rented out the main floor of a nice Craftsman house. I now live on the main floor! He has 2 cats who live downstairs and I have 3 who live upstairs. We adopted a dog last year who we share. We see each other during the day and have dinner together every night and I spend every Saturday night downstairs with him but otherwise sleep upstairs. Two years later, I love living like this. We each have our own spaces and privacy but he's just 15 steps away. We know that we're lucky to be able to do this. Most people who know us think it's a brilliant modern solution for two independent people to share their lives. We're not getting married anytime soon.
Your boyfriend is 60 and you're around 40 if I read that right and that could be a critical factor. My partner and I are are similar places in our lives at 63 and 66. He didn't have children and he loves and supports my children fiercely so we never had the 'kids' issues. Maybe I'm really lucky (which I am) but I do believe that for some relationships, space and independence is important. Both partners have to honestly assess their needs. I was clear that I didn't want or need to be married. YMMV but do try to consider that non-traditional relationships can work and it sounds like you two also have a compatible blend of attitudes - nothing to sniff at these days!
Best of luck!
posted by lois1950 at 11:20 PM on June 9, 2013 [11 favorites]
I think if someone cares about you, over time, they would want to spend more time with you.
This is not true. There are as many relationship styles as their are people and you don't want to resent someone for not going along with a program they (or maybe even you) didn't know about.
You want to see him during the week some. So I suggest you suggest a weekday thing he'll like. Take into account his need for low-key fun at night. Take him to things he likes.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:32 PM on June 9, 2013
This is not true. There are as many relationship styles as their are people and you don't want to resent someone for not going along with a program they (or maybe even you) didn't know about.
You want to see him during the week some. So I suggest you suggest a weekday thing he'll like. Take into account his need for low-key fun at night. Take him to things he likes.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:32 PM on June 9, 2013
Best answer: I am not ready right now, but I might be open in the future to cohabitation or marriage with someone.
Okay -- so the confusing part of this is why there's an idea that he should be a bit more go-ahead with looking like he's on his way there, when you're not ready, and the future is a 'maybe' on that front.
Yes; people who want to see more of you will: see more of you, instead of finding ways to not do that. But it seems hard to blame him for not 'progressing' towards more when you are 'not ready...might be'? Few would want to invest in such uncertainty.
Mostly it just sounds like talking to each other, with and with the anticipation of potentially painful (or potentially joyous) honesty, would sort a lot out at this point.
posted by kmennie at 11:48 PM on June 9, 2013
Okay -- so the confusing part of this is why there's an idea that he should be a bit more go-ahead with looking like he's on his way there, when you're not ready, and the future is a 'maybe' on that front.
Yes; people who want to see more of you will: see more of you, instead of finding ways to not do that. But it seems hard to blame him for not 'progressing' towards more when you are 'not ready...might be'? Few would want to invest in such uncertainty.
Mostly it just sounds like talking to each other, with and with the anticipation of potentially painful (or potentially joyous) honesty, would sort a lot out at this point.
posted by kmennie at 11:48 PM on June 9, 2013
Response by poster: After some consideration, let me rephrase what I said in the OP: I would be open to marriage in the future, but I love him and am ready to live together. I guess I don't know how to broach the subject, considering his behavior.
I co-own two houses (in other parts of the state) with my ex-husband, one of which he still uses as a residence, and I rent an apartment to be close to my work. So if we ever made that decision together, we'd have to 1) live in his house or 2) buy a home together.
I don't think he'd be up for the second option, just for the sake of convenience. When he got divorced, his ex moved out, and he kept their house, where he still lives. His 25-year-old son (the youngest) lives there with him part-time--when he's not 2 hours away at college, and that son uses the basement fairly regularly for practice with his band, so we'd have to have a house that would accommodate him, which would be okay with me. His grown kids' bedrooms are also in the basement, and they still have toys and possessions in there from the time they were very small, which he has never cleaned out. So moving would be a heck of a lot of work.
posted by femmefatale123 at 12:06 AM on June 10, 2013
I co-own two houses (in other parts of the state) with my ex-husband, one of which he still uses as a residence, and I rent an apartment to be close to my work. So if we ever made that decision together, we'd have to 1) live in his house or 2) buy a home together.
I don't think he'd be up for the second option, just for the sake of convenience. When he got divorced, his ex moved out, and he kept their house, where he still lives. His 25-year-old son (the youngest) lives there with him part-time--when he's not 2 hours away at college, and that son uses the basement fairly regularly for practice with his band, so we'd have to have a house that would accommodate him, which would be okay with me. His grown kids' bedrooms are also in the basement, and they still have toys and possessions in there from the time they were very small, which he has never cleaned out. So moving would be a heck of a lot of work.
posted by femmefatale123 at 12:06 AM on June 10, 2013
Have you ever been in love with a piece of furniture. Carried it around for years, even to places it really didn't fit? Until finally you just give up and donate it to some worthy charity that sells it for $5.
He's treating you like an adored pet that he just doesn't have time for, right now. Of course right now will never come up until he is one of those essential people found in every graveyard.
You're an entertainment to him (and my suspicion about why his wife cheated on him is probably in there as well) not a way of life.
If your ego can handle that assignment than move in. If you live together you'll be in separate bedrooms.
And, if you've reviewed the mefi age difference relationship questions here, you'll find your situation is not unique.
And I think I'm being optimistic.
posted by ptm at 12:17 AM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
He's treating you like an adored pet that he just doesn't have time for, right now. Of course right now will never come up until he is one of those essential people found in every graveyard.
You're an entertainment to him (and my suspicion about why his wife cheated on him is probably in there as well) not a way of life.
If your ego can handle that assignment than move in. If you live together you'll be in separate bedrooms.
And, if you've reviewed the mefi age difference relationship questions here, you'll find your situation is not unique.
And I think I'm being optimistic.
posted by ptm at 12:17 AM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
A good friend once made an off-hand comment that's stuck with me for decades: People have time for what they want to have time for.
posted by ambient2 at 12:37 AM on June 10, 2013 [30 favorites]
posted by ambient2 at 12:37 AM on June 10, 2013 [30 favorites]
He doesn't have the space in his life for what you want. There's nothing wrong with what you want and there's nothing wrong with what he is comfortable with. It's just sadly incompatible. You have to move on.
posted by inturnaround at 2:23 AM on June 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by inturnaround at 2:23 AM on June 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think he would be very sad to lose you. I also think he thinks things are just fine the way they are. For you, they are not. You want more. You need to say it, right in to his eyes, and he needs to feel for real that You. Want. More. If he retreats, your questions will be answered.
posted by thinkpiece at 4:00 AM on June 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by thinkpiece at 4:00 AM on June 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
Is it possible for a relationship to progress if the partners only see each other on the weekend? Sure, certainly. Is it possible for THIS PARTICULAR relationship to progress, considering how youve described it? Yikes, it doesn't sound likely..... there are a bunch of red flags to address first.
You live 12 miles apart in a small town --- so you're saying that he can't ever be bothered to drive what, 20 minutes at most?, to see you: you are always the one to drive over to his place, because "he wants to crash". That, plus the fact that he doesn't want to see you most of the week, says that he's keeping you at arms' lenght. "His ex cheated"; he has 'defense mechanisms'; you are the very first person he's been serious about but he's basically hiding you from his grown children....
This all sounds very convienent for him --- he has a relationship when & as he wants it. That's fine, he's satisfied, and yes: nothing is likely to ever signifigantly change. The question is, are YOU happy? Is the relationship as it stands now (and is likely to continue) enough FOR YOU?
posted by easily confused at 5:06 AM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
You live 12 miles apart in a small town --- so you're saying that he can't ever be bothered to drive what, 20 minutes at most?, to see you: you are always the one to drive over to his place, because "he wants to crash". That, plus the fact that he doesn't want to see you most of the week, says that he's keeping you at arms' lenght. "His ex cheated"; he has 'defense mechanisms'; you are the very first person he's been serious about but he's basically hiding you from his grown children....
This all sounds very convienent for him --- he has a relationship when & as he wants it. That's fine, he's satisfied, and yes: nothing is likely to ever signifigantly change. The question is, are YOU happy? Is the relationship as it stands now (and is likely to continue) enough FOR YOU?
posted by easily confused at 5:06 AM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
Oh, and all your thinking about where you'd live if you moved in together or married this guy, and how his grown kids' stuff would all have to be cleaned out.... you're WAY out of sync with a person who has specifically said that he "doesn't want to see anyone when he gets home in the evening".
posted by easily confused at 5:13 AM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by easily confused at 5:13 AM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
This was my wife and I when we started dating. We were both in our 30s, never married. I was a strategy consultant at the time, and on the road at least a few days every week, and working from my home office when I wasn't travelling. I worked at least half a day on the weekends, every weekend. On Friday evening, one of us would drive to the other's place and spend the weekend. On Sunday evening, we'd drive home. More often than not, she'd come to my place. We'd talk on the phone and email during the week, but never see each other. We went on like this for just over a year before deciding to get a place together. Six months later we were engaged, and six months afther that we were married.
It worked for us. It wouldn't have worked any other way, actually. This workload and schedule is the only acceptable path in some jobs and industries.
Is there something wrong with him or your relationship? I don't know, and sure can't tell from what you've told us. But knowing what I've gone through and how it worked out for us, my first reaction isn't to assume there's something broken here.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 5:14 AM on June 10, 2013
It worked for us. It wouldn't have worked any other way, actually. This workload and schedule is the only acceptable path in some jobs and industries.
Is there something wrong with him or your relationship? I don't know, and sure can't tell from what you've told us. But knowing what I've gone through and how it worked out for us, my first reaction isn't to assume there's something broken here.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 5:14 AM on June 10, 2013
As I see it, what you're really asking is (just like before), "Is he actually more into me than he seems to be, and therefore should I stick around even though it isn't making me happy?" The answer is, just like before, "No, and no."
Someone doesn't have to be a horrible abusive troll for you to break up with them. Maybe they just don't want what you want. Ignore all the blather about how hurt he's been before and la la la . . . Actions speak louder than words. The most positive interpretation is that he just doesn't want what you want. The more likely interpretation, it seems, is that he is far less concerned about your needs than he is about his own. Your relationship is set up around what works for him. He knows it doesn't work for you, and he doesn't care -- at least, not enough to change things.
Your inner voice is telling you you need to move on, and these AskMeFi questions are your attempt to drown out that inner voice. Don't do that -- all you're doing is prolonging the pain. As soon as you stop fantasizing that he is going to change this late in the game, you will be able to gather the strength to move forward. You want to be and deserve to be a cherished partner, not a weekend playmate that is hidden away when guests come over!
posted by ravioli at 6:31 AM on June 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
Someone doesn't have to be a horrible abusive troll for you to break up with them. Maybe they just don't want what you want. Ignore all the blather about how hurt he's been before and la la la . . . Actions speak louder than words. The most positive interpretation is that he just doesn't want what you want. The more likely interpretation, it seems, is that he is far less concerned about your needs than he is about his own. Your relationship is set up around what works for him. He knows it doesn't work for you, and he doesn't care -- at least, not enough to change things.
Your inner voice is telling you you need to move on, and these AskMeFi questions are your attempt to drown out that inner voice. Don't do that -- all you're doing is prolonging the pain. As soon as you stop fantasizing that he is going to change this late in the game, you will be able to gather the strength to move forward. You want to be and deserve to be a cherished partner, not a weekend playmate that is hidden away when guests come over!
posted by ravioli at 6:31 AM on June 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I wanted to talk to him this weekend, since these issues have really been bothering me lately, but he had a vasectomy Friday, and I decided it might not be the best time. (I never wanted kids, nor do I now, and obviously, at his age, he doesn't want any more.)
posted by femmefatale123 at 6:35 AM on June 10, 2013
posted by femmefatale123 at 6:35 AM on June 10, 2013
Yeah, just bear in mind that it will never be the right time to have this kind if make or break conversation..
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:55 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:55 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think you might see the situation differently if you changed your opening question to better reflect the situation, from
Can a relationship progress if you see each other only on weekends?
to
Can a relationship progress if you see each other only on weekends, when one partner does not want to make more space in his/her life for the other one, whilst the other partner really, really wants much more closeness and intimacy, but is scared to admit to this need/wish, even to strangers on a website?
I think it is noteworthy that it took quite a few replies (and one of them very targeted) before you felt comfortable admitting that yes, it's not a question of maybe and might, rather you DO want to be closer to him, to move in, and to have marriage on the table for the future. My guess is that you only half-admitted to this before, even to yourself, because the way he acts makes you unsure of his response. Do you think he might pull back even more if you ask for more commitment? Do you think he might break up?
My vote would be to broach the subject, it does not even matter how tactfully, because after one year and a half, if he is not ready, it is important for you to know (I know, easy to say, since I am not in your shoes, but...). The only thing that will happen if he doesn't respond well is that you know what the situation is, and can break up now, lick your wounds, feel the sorrow, and then move on - it is not doom for life. Better to know the answer now than to keep hoping something miraculously changes to make him meet your needs spontaneously and as if by magic. You'd just be suppressing your desires and needs, getting more and more insecure and unhappy all the while, and your life and possible happiness and fulfillment will pass you by.
Best.
posted by miorita at 7:00 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Can a relationship progress if you see each other only on weekends?
to
Can a relationship progress if you see each other only on weekends, when one partner does not want to make more space in his/her life for the other one, whilst the other partner really, really wants much more closeness and intimacy, but is scared to admit to this need/wish, even to strangers on a website?
I think it is noteworthy that it took quite a few replies (and one of them very targeted) before you felt comfortable admitting that yes, it's not a question of maybe and might, rather you DO want to be closer to him, to move in, and to have marriage on the table for the future. My guess is that you only half-admitted to this before, even to yourself, because the way he acts makes you unsure of his response. Do you think he might pull back even more if you ask for more commitment? Do you think he might break up?
My vote would be to broach the subject, it does not even matter how tactfully, because after one year and a half, if he is not ready, it is important for you to know (I know, easy to say, since I am not in your shoes, but...). The only thing that will happen if he doesn't respond well is that you know what the situation is, and can break up now, lick your wounds, feel the sorrow, and then move on - it is not doom for life. Better to know the answer now than to keep hoping something miraculously changes to make him meet your needs spontaneously and as if by magic. You'd just be suppressing your desires and needs, getting more and more insecure and unhappy all the while, and your life and possible happiness and fulfillment will pass you by.
Best.
posted by miorita at 7:00 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It sounds like you are going to talk to him, so great! I think the best course of action is to be honest about what you want, and try your best to be open to the idea that the answer may be no. If it is, then you can take steps to move on, but only after you state what you need/want. None of this "just go and find what you want elsewhere" talk. If he is otherwise awesome, then it's worth just asking and maybe you will get what you want. It's putting yourself out there, and it's risky, but being dissatisfied and unable to express yourself comfortably is not particularly nice.
Your guy perfectly nice but perhaps used to a particular way of living. Time to ask if he's willing to try something different.
Good luck.
posted by mooza at 7:37 AM on June 10, 2013
Your guy perfectly nice but perhaps used to a particular way of living. Time to ask if he's willing to try something different.
Good luck.
posted by mooza at 7:37 AM on June 10, 2013
A great piece of advice I received a few years ago I think applies acutely here:
"Sometimes to save a relationship you have to be willing to have a conversation that might end it."
Asking for what you need is scary because your partner might say no. Never asking is a death sentence carried out over a lifetime because you will never get what you need.
posted by French Fry at 8:00 AM on June 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
"Sometimes to save a relationship you have to be willing to have a conversation that might end it."
Asking for what you need is scary because your partner might say no. Never asking is a death sentence carried out over a lifetime because you will never get what you need.
posted by French Fry at 8:00 AM on June 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
I had the same issue with my last relationship. We're both in our thirties and both very busy people. I know he cared about me, but I just never felt we could get on the same page. The more we dated, the more I wanted to spend time with him. It was difficult trying to maintain that healthy balance of keeping my own life and wanting to increase our intimacy. He just always seemed like he was perfectly content with his life, and whereas I was willing to make some sacrifices/compromises, he wasn't. I think I subconsciously began building my wall back up because I instinctively saw that we weren't going to make it. I'm really really sad, because we had so much in common and I really liked him, but he just never made me feel that I was special enough in his life. If your not happy now, chances are it's never going to change. I'm sorry, OP. :(
posted by Butterflye1010 at 9:10 AM on June 10, 2013
posted by Butterflye1010 at 9:10 AM on June 10, 2013
Response by poster: Strange that you say that, Butterflye1010. I'm starting to feel myself building a wall between us.
posted by femmefatale123 at 9:18 AM on June 10, 2013
posted by femmefatale123 at 9:18 AM on June 10, 2013
I don’t think there’s anything inherent about a relationship where you only see each other on weekends that means it’s unhealthy. There are a lot of good examples upthread of relationships with this pattern either by necessity or mutual preference.
You don’t have necessity or mutual preference though. You have his preferences, which you seem very accommodating to, but I don’t get the sense that he’s ever willing to return the favor in this relationship and try to accommodate your needs or preferences even when it’s not convenient for him.
posted by Asparagus at 10:24 AM on June 10, 2013
You don’t have necessity or mutual preference though. You have his preferences, which you seem very accommodating to, but I don’t get the sense that he’s ever willing to return the favor in this relationship and try to accommodate your needs or preferences even when it’s not convenient for him.
posted by Asparagus at 10:24 AM on June 10, 2013
Response by poster: One thing that makes me mad is that he goes home and "crashes," but after he gets up--before he goes to bed--he feels like playing on Facebook for half an hour or an hour each night.
posted by femmefatale123 at 7:34 PM on June 10, 2013
posted by femmefatale123 at 7:34 PM on June 10, 2013
I often feel too tired after an intense, people-filled workday to go out or interact with people, but Facebook is undemanding. I don't see why that couldn't count as "crashing;" it's relaxing not to deal with someone else's expectations. But if you're resenting his behavior choices or they seem inconsistent to you with what he says, you need to talk to him about that. We can't necessarily answer for him. What I can say is that's indirect to obsess about such a small and inconsequential piece of the bigger issue that you seem to have a good grip on at this point: are you two a match in terms of what you each hope to get out of this relationship?
posted by Miko at 9:00 AM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Miko at 9:00 AM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Good point, Miko. I guess I do want more communication. I look at it this way: if he can stay on Facebook for an hour, couldn't he at least send me a text before he goes to bed or call for a minute or two if we haven't talked all day and have maybe exchanged one measly text that day?
posted by femmefatale123 at 9:50 AM on June 11, 2013
posted by femmefatale123 at 9:50 AM on June 11, 2013
He could, but he's not going to. Have your conversation. He's going to say that he'd like to keep things just the way they are, because your current relationship is what he wants. Because it's not what you want, your next step will probably involve breaking up.
posted by MsMolly at 1:53 PM on June 11, 2013
posted by MsMolly at 1:53 PM on June 11, 2013
I look at it this way: if he can stay on Facebook for an hour, couldn't he at least send me a text before he goes to bed or call for a minute or two if we haven't talked all day and have maybe exchanged one measly text that day?
No. Those are not the same. Look, he sounds like a great match for someone else -- someone who is really independent and enjoys a lot of space in a relationship. It's OK if that's not what you want.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:47 PM on June 11, 2013
No. Those are not the same. Look, he sounds like a great match for someone else -- someone who is really independent and enjoys a lot of space in a relationship. It's OK if that's not what you want.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:47 PM on June 11, 2013
Best answer: No, it can't progress. He needs to make more of an effort to see you, as seeing you during the week should be the highlight of his day instead of a huge chore. DTMFA and find a better guy.
posted by lotusmish at 10:48 AM on June 17, 2013
posted by lotusmish at 10:48 AM on June 17, 2013
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posted by Miko at 9:18 PM on June 9, 2013 [3 favorites]