Ecclesiastes 3:1 - A time for solitude?
May 21, 2013 4:42 PM Subscribe
Is there a time to be alone/ How to feel like life is meaningful when I am mostly alone?
I realized, some of the happiest and most fulfilling moments in my life are when I can make people laugh. The feeling of making someone else's day a little lighter/sillier/better feels so awesome to me.
Despite my problems with being vulnerable and sharing, I do believe that the meaning of life is relationships with others. I've had failed/ unwell relationships with others, so I know we are not meant to connect with everyone out there. However, I find it hard to feel that life is meaningful when I am alone.
I don't know if this is right. Should I really derive happiness from making others happy? I am fine being alone, and I know that at the end of the day, our relationships with ourselves is what we have. I know very well that people come and go in our lives and few relationships (even family) last. Quality friendships are really rare and being with acquaintances 24/7 is not what I want. I also know, being around others can distract me from facing my own problems.
Despite knowing that having a lot of people around may not be all it seems, I still can't shake the feeling that life is meant to be shared. In fact, having a good material life or even being in a good mood feels a little taunting when I don't have others to share it with.
Right now I'm in my early 20s, so maybe it is the time to be selfish and focus on myself. My question is: Is there a right time/ period in your life to be alone? How do you feel like life is meaningful when you are alone?
I realized, some of the happiest and most fulfilling moments in my life are when I can make people laugh. The feeling of making someone else's day a little lighter/sillier/better feels so awesome to me.
Despite my problems with being vulnerable and sharing, I do believe that the meaning of life is relationships with others. I've had failed/ unwell relationships with others, so I know we are not meant to connect with everyone out there. However, I find it hard to feel that life is meaningful when I am alone.
I don't know if this is right. Should I really derive happiness from making others happy? I am fine being alone, and I know that at the end of the day, our relationships with ourselves is what we have. I know very well that people come and go in our lives and few relationships (even family) last. Quality friendships are really rare and being with acquaintances 24/7 is not what I want. I also know, being around others can distract me from facing my own problems.
Despite knowing that having a lot of people around may not be all it seems, I still can't shake the feeling that life is meant to be shared. In fact, having a good material life or even being in a good mood feels a little taunting when I don't have others to share it with.
Right now I'm in my early 20s, so maybe it is the time to be selfish and focus on myself. My question is: Is there a right time/ period in your life to be alone? How do you feel like life is meaningful when you are alone?
Since you used Ecclesiastes in your question title... would you be open to a religious suggestion? A friend of mine writes a Christian-centered blog and a recent post was about how to be alone, especially when you seem to be bombarded by negative thoughts.
I'm not a religious person, but I quite like alone time. I use the time to recharge, because I'm an introvert. I find it's easier for me to create things when I'm alone, whether that's baking, cooking, doing crafts, or writing. Meditation and exercise are also great ways to use alone time. All of these things enrich your life in some way. You're doing good things for your mind, your body, or your spirit (or "creative side," if you're not into the idea of a spirit).
posted by SugarAndSass at 4:57 PM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm not a religious person, but I quite like alone time. I use the time to recharge, because I'm an introvert. I find it's easier for me to create things when I'm alone, whether that's baking, cooking, doing crafts, or writing. Meditation and exercise are also great ways to use alone time. All of these things enrich your life in some way. You're doing good things for your mind, your body, or your spirit (or "creative side," if you're not into the idea of a spirit).
posted by SugarAndSass at 4:57 PM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
You can consider using alone time to work on your relationship with yourself. You can't truly give of yourself unless you know what you have to give and how much of it you can give without burning yourself out.
While it is true that relationships with others fosters spiritual growth, making people happy is not always the way forward. Being a true friend sometimes means being with someone who is unhappy and being okay with where they are. Being a good parent means not always doing what makes your child "happy" in the moment.
I am an introvert, which is to say that I re-energize through alone time (extroverts get energized through social time), so for me, being alone is a matter of life and death. Being alone allows me the breathing space that will then create more patience in my interactive life, and a more thoughtful way of approaching life. But if you're not an introvert, this may not apply to you. Maybe it is a good use of alone time to find out whether you need alone time. :-)
posted by janey47 at 5:25 PM on May 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
While it is true that relationships with others fosters spiritual growth, making people happy is not always the way forward. Being a true friend sometimes means being with someone who is unhappy and being okay with where they are. Being a good parent means not always doing what makes your child "happy" in the moment.
I am an introvert, which is to say that I re-energize through alone time (extroverts get energized through social time), so for me, being alone is a matter of life and death. Being alone allows me the breathing space that will then create more patience in my interactive life, and a more thoughtful way of approaching life. But if you're not an introvert, this may not apply to you. Maybe it is a good use of alone time to find out whether you need alone time. :-)
posted by janey47 at 5:25 PM on May 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
I came in to say janey47 said. My time alone is necessary to my relationships with others - alone time is when I improve myself, when I learn things, when I become interesting. I think being alone, or learning to be alone, is a critical part of growing as a person for me (if only because occasionally you will be forced to be alone, and if you haven't developed the skill of being alone, that can be kind of rough.)
Choosing to be alone isn't being selfish. Only when I have sufficient time alone can I give fully of myself to others in a conscious way.
I don't think that this is an all or nothing thing either, which I'm reading a bit in your question. I can have periods of time alone - an evening here or there, the odd weekend - and balance that with a perfectly full and fulfilling social life.
That all said, if being with others makes you happy and if you think you're operating in an optimal fashion when you have little alone time, go for it. There's no uniformly right or wrong way to do life (at least, not in this aspect.)
posted by punchtothehead at 5:42 PM on May 21, 2013
Choosing to be alone isn't being selfish. Only when I have sufficient time alone can I give fully of myself to others in a conscious way.
I don't think that this is an all or nothing thing either, which I'm reading a bit in your question. I can have periods of time alone - an evening here or there, the odd weekend - and balance that with a perfectly full and fulfilling social life.
That all said, if being with others makes you happy and if you think you're operating in an optimal fashion when you have little alone time, go for it. There's no uniformly right or wrong way to do life (at least, not in this aspect.)
posted by punchtothehead at 5:42 PM on May 21, 2013
I use time alone to cultivate qualities I like about myself. A lot of them take time, focus, effort: being calm, well read, well travelled, healthy, tidy, in decent shape, etc.
I also use time alone to be generous to myself: going places, experiencing and doing things I know I like, and others in my life don't.
The best habits for alone time combine both.
I spend quite a lot of time alone, pursuing these. When I do, it means that I can be better for other people: I can give them the best version of myself, and I will not resent them for the constraints and compromises they impose.
As for "should I derive happiness from making others happy?" in the plainest sense: yes. Absolutely. It brings lots of people pleasure, is totally normal and sustainable and a great free lunch on earth.
Just don't do it at the expense of taking care of your own needs, and don't elevate it beyond other forms of meaning that also speak to you.
posted by ead at 6:13 PM on May 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
I also use time alone to be generous to myself: going places, experiencing and doing things I know I like, and others in my life don't.
The best habits for alone time combine both.
I spend quite a lot of time alone, pursuing these. When I do, it means that I can be better for other people: I can give them the best version of myself, and I will not resent them for the constraints and compromises they impose.
As for "should I derive happiness from making others happy?" in the plainest sense: yes. Absolutely. It brings lots of people pleasure, is totally normal and sustainable and a great free lunch on earth.
Just don't do it at the expense of taking care of your own needs, and don't elevate it beyond other forms of meaning that also speak to you.
posted by ead at 6:13 PM on May 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you for your answers. I like being alone for the reasons your mentioned (being healthy, reflecting and recharging), it's just that I am spending a disproportionate amount of time alone/ thinking. Could you elaborate on whether there's a period in your life when being mostly alone was good?
posted by ichomp at 6:39 PM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by ichomp at 6:39 PM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Re: your update - I spend a lot of time alone, especially at the moment when I am on sick leave (back to work next week, sadly). There are times when I feel a bit grumpy or cross or sick of my own company, but mostly not. This has surprised me a bit.
For me this is very much a period in my life where I feel being alone is even more important than usual. Like others above, I'm an introvert, so it's always been important. But I also like to make people happy and surprise them and please them and, like you, I feel that the point of life is meaningful connections with others. But I've always felt a bit like water, conforming to the shapes around me, reflecting others back, that kind of thing.
Since the end of my most recent relationship nearly a year and a half ago, I've struggled at times with feeling that everything is meaningless and there is no point to anything. Over time, I think that this is actually a really important time to be alone, to be by myself, to think about things, to learn how to look after myself better and meet my own needs better. I don't think I woke up one morning and realised that the switch had flipped and I was happy to be alone much of the time, but over time that has become the case.
I get a good dose of people interaction through work, which frequently maxes me out. But outside work I have some very good friends and I think that being alone a lot of the time actually makes me a better friend and makes those relationships even more meaningful. And this is really hard to explain, but the sense of peace and serenity and quiet happiness in realising this, this is what I see, this is what I think, this is what I love, this is what I can do.
I don't know what's going to happen in the future, whether I'll continue to have a lot of alone time or not. But right now it feels like a blessing.
posted by Athanassiel at 1:21 AM on May 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
For me this is very much a period in my life where I feel being alone is even more important than usual. Like others above, I'm an introvert, so it's always been important. But I also like to make people happy and surprise them and please them and, like you, I feel that the point of life is meaningful connections with others. But I've always felt a bit like water, conforming to the shapes around me, reflecting others back, that kind of thing.
Since the end of my most recent relationship nearly a year and a half ago, I've struggled at times with feeling that everything is meaningless and there is no point to anything. Over time, I think that this is actually a really important time to be alone, to be by myself, to think about things, to learn how to look after myself better and meet my own needs better. I don't think I woke up one morning and realised that the switch had flipped and I was happy to be alone much of the time, but over time that has become the case.
I get a good dose of people interaction through work, which frequently maxes me out. But outside work I have some very good friends and I think that being alone a lot of the time actually makes me a better friend and makes those relationships even more meaningful. And this is really hard to explain, but the sense of peace and serenity and quiet happiness in realising this, this is what I see, this is what I think, this is what I love, this is what I can do.
I don't know what's going to happen in the future, whether I'll continue to have a lot of alone time or not. But right now it feels like a blessing.
posted by Athanassiel at 1:21 AM on May 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
warning: rambly....
I might question your assumption that you should be striving for "happiness." Maybe striving for "peace" is more appropriate. I would also question your assumption that the "meaning of life is relationships." I would entertain that relationships are only a vehicle to a larger purpose, expansion of consciousness? - which can most certainly be done in solitude. Such alone-time would add to yourself, which would benefit the dynamic of your future relationships.
A good time for this would seem when you are younger when you typically have fewer responsibilites and are "figuring things out." I wish I would have spent more extended periods of time alone when I was young.
Also-- The Buddha and Jesus are said to have spent a great deal of time alone.. so you might explore that/why.
posted by mrmarley at 1:38 AM on May 22, 2013
I might question your assumption that you should be striving for "happiness." Maybe striving for "peace" is more appropriate. I would also question your assumption that the "meaning of life is relationships." I would entertain that relationships are only a vehicle to a larger purpose, expansion of consciousness? - which can most certainly be done in solitude. Such alone-time would add to yourself, which would benefit the dynamic of your future relationships.
A good time for this would seem when you are younger when you typically have fewer responsibilites and are "figuring things out." I wish I would have spent more extended periods of time alone when I was young.
Also-- The Buddha and Jesus are said to have spent a great deal of time alone.. so you might explore that/why.
posted by mrmarley at 1:38 AM on May 22, 2013
Best answer: Could you elaborate on whether there's a period in your life when being mostly alone was good?
You're alluding to a more sustained period of solitude than a day of reflection or some quiet time to decompress after a social event.
I suggest using this period to become a better you:
posted by headnsouth at 6:06 AM on May 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
You're alluding to a more sustained period of solitude than a day of reflection or some quiet time to decompress after a social event.
I suggest using this period to become a better you:
- study something meaningful to you (language, economics, sustainable solutions to global food scarcity)Some of those pursuits will put you into contact with others; be open to connecting with them but don't sweat it if a bond doesn't happen; enjoy the moments of interaction on their own.
- master a skill (plaster finishing, plumbing, maintaining your own vehicle, permaculture gardening in zone 9)
- take care of your body (weight training, trail running, yoga, self-defense)
posted by headnsouth at 6:06 AM on May 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You are so right that learning to love me-time is something that for most of us takes time and effort. I think you need to learn to love yourself and enjoy your alone time, because relationships aren't completely healthy if you DEPEND on them for your happiness. You need to be self-sufficient, you need to be whole so that relationships are extras, rather than fillings for that hole in your heart that you never got around to filling yourself. Relationships come and go, but that isn't tragic, people come in and out of your life to make space for other people as you change and grow. That way you have the opportunity to have close relationships with more people. I think that's okay and beautiful in a way.
I guess this is a personal journey, but I find that it really helps to treat yourself well, and exercise, and eat well, and spend your alone time doing things you really love doing or working on goals that you care about.
However this doesn't mean that you have to cut yourself off, we crave social interactions and I think you need to make sure that you get enough of it one way or another, go to church groups, go to meetups, ease yourself into loving your me-time by getting enough social time so that it's completely voluntary and an enjoyable contrast. Be gentle and go easy with yourself, you don't have to swamp yourself in solitariness all at once to learn how to love it. :)
posted by dinosaurprincess at 7:31 AM on May 22, 2013
I guess this is a personal journey, but I find that it really helps to treat yourself well, and exercise, and eat well, and spend your alone time doing things you really love doing or working on goals that you care about.
However this doesn't mean that you have to cut yourself off, we crave social interactions and I think you need to make sure that you get enough of it one way or another, go to church groups, go to meetups, ease yourself into loving your me-time by getting enough social time so that it's completely voluntary and an enjoyable contrast. Be gentle and go easy with yourself, you don't have to swamp yourself in solitariness all at once to learn how to love it. :)
posted by dinosaurprincess at 7:31 AM on May 22, 2013
Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
See if you get that feeling of making someone's day if they are a complete stranger to you, if they have no way of even thanking you, but just knowing you made someone's day better.
posted by yohko at 2:36 PM on May 22, 2013
See if you get that feeling of making someone's day if they are a complete stranger to you, if they have no way of even thanking you, but just knowing you made someone's day better.
posted by yohko at 2:36 PM on May 22, 2013
In the question some assumption-making on top of other assumptions seems to be going on. I don't see the connection between failed relationships and not being meant to connect with people.
The right time to be alone is when you have a purpose because you are creating whatever, or are an artist, a writer, or really like practising 8 hours a day, are on a retreat, on a ramble or pilgrimage, and why not also when you feel a deep need to drop 200 hours on skyrim, want to be watching films by wikipedia category or all of Fullmetal Alchemist. I'm no stranger to temporarily giving up on the concept of relationships to recharge and regroup.
However I used to spend a lot of alone time making anticipatory hypothesis without IRL data points. They all got disproven once I actually did start making experiences. I may have been convinced I was thinking but it was my mind playing horrible tricks on me. Piling one assumption onto another somehow makes it feel more logical. This is not time well spent alone.
Anyway after my 20s I think that horrible string of catastrophes as which I occasionally view my relationship experience maybe was a prerequisite of getting a little of those quality friendships which are so rare. Isn't quality more important than happiness, after all?
posted by yoHighness at 3:39 PM on May 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
The right time to be alone is when you have a purpose because you are creating whatever, or are an artist, a writer, or really like practising 8 hours a day, are on a retreat, on a ramble or pilgrimage, and why not also when you feel a deep need to drop 200 hours on skyrim, want to be watching films by wikipedia category or all of Fullmetal Alchemist. I'm no stranger to temporarily giving up on the concept of relationships to recharge and regroup.
However I used to spend a lot of alone time making anticipatory hypothesis without IRL data points. They all got disproven once I actually did start making experiences. I may have been convinced I was thinking but it was my mind playing horrible tricks on me. Piling one assumption onto another somehow makes it feel more logical. This is not time well spent alone.
Anyway after my 20s I think that horrible string of catastrophes as which I occasionally view my relationship experience maybe was a prerequisite of getting a little of those quality friendships which are so rare. Isn't quality more important than happiness, after all?
posted by yoHighness at 3:39 PM on May 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
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I play videogames when I'm too burnt out to socialize. They keep me in a holding pattern until I muster up the energy to be around people.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 4:47 PM on May 21, 2013