Saying no?
May 6, 2013 3:31 PM Subscribe
After seeing this comment, I would like to ask: How do you say "no" to someone you do kinda want to have sex with?
I have used: "Oh, I really like you, and I think I want to sleep with you at some point in the future, but right now I'm not feeling it. Can we go back to kissing/oral only/tickling/mud wrestling/other alternate activity instead?" and "Hey, I really like you, but I'm not ready to have sex yet. Can we revisit that awesome thought some other time? Right now just kissing you is pretty freaking excellent."
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 3:37 PM on May 6, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 3:37 PM on May 6, 2013 [3 favorites]
When I was in high school, mumbledy-mumble decades ago, "you know, I'm just not ready for it right now" worked just fine. We remained friends and were able to carry on pretty much as we had before. There may be gender issues (I'm male, the interested party was female) and era issues (yay the '80s!) that are different now, but I think that's about as neutral a way as you can put it.
posted by straw at 3:41 PM on May 6, 2013
posted by straw at 3:41 PM on May 6, 2013
"Not right now," if you want to keep the door open to later hookups.
posted by xingcat at 3:48 PM on May 6, 2013
posted by xingcat at 3:48 PM on May 6, 2013
Best answer: These Birds of a Feather's lines are good advice. I've said stuff like "I'm okay with x activity (cuddling/kissing/etc) but I don't want to do y tonight," or "I want to take things slow so I can figure out what I like and what you like."
I would also say that even if you say you want to have sex later, you can change your mind for no reason whatsoever. You can't promise what you are going to feel in the future and it's okay to change your mind. I said something similar to my first boyfriend, "I don't want to have sex now, but I think I want to in a few months. What about you?" and we had a decent conversation for teenagers talking about sex. Then a few months passed, I realized that I didn't want to have sex and had no idea how to explain that I'd changed my mind. If my boyfriend had pressed me, I would have been uncomfortable and possibly given in, but he didn't and we broke up for other reasons.
It's also okay to try something and decide you don't want to do it anymore or right now. If you try sex (or any other activity) and decide it was too soon or you're not sure how you feel about it, you can say "Hey, I"m not sure how I feel about that, I don't feel like doing it again. Can we do (some other activity that you're comfortable with)."
posted by raeka at 3:56 PM on May 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
I would also say that even if you say you want to have sex later, you can change your mind for no reason whatsoever. You can't promise what you are going to feel in the future and it's okay to change your mind. I said something similar to my first boyfriend, "I don't want to have sex now, but I think I want to in a few months. What about you?" and we had a decent conversation for teenagers talking about sex. Then a few months passed, I realized that I didn't want to have sex and had no idea how to explain that I'd changed my mind. If my boyfriend had pressed me, I would have been uncomfortable and possibly given in, but he didn't and we broke up for other reasons.
It's also okay to try something and decide you don't want to do it anymore or right now. If you try sex (or any other activity) and decide it was too soon or you're not sure how you feel about it, you can say "Hey, I"m not sure how I feel about that, I don't feel like doing it again. Can we do (some other activity that you're comfortable with)."
posted by raeka at 3:56 PM on May 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
"How do you say "no" to someone you do kinda want to have sex with?"
You say no, politely. If you're not feeling it, you say so. If you simply don't want to have sex, you say so. If the answer is no, you say no. Politely.
If you say "Not right now, but maybe later" or "maybe another time" you're potentially being a tease since you're unintentionally dangling someone along.
Think of it this way: imagine something you'd really like to get. Not sexual at all... it could be anything. How about a raise at work. Now, imagine someone saying they may give you that. Not this time, but maybe another time. Now, imagine if they'd dangled that possibility, but in the end, they never gave it to you.
It's best to learn how to say no, politely, if your answer is no. Trust me, if you decide the answer is yes at a later point, and you tell him you'd like to have sex, you're probably going to have sex. On the other hand, if you dangle the possibility of sex at some point, just not right now, and the sex never happens, you could easily damage a friendship/relationship/connection/whatever.
Learn to say no if your answer is no.
posted by 2oh1 at 4:11 PM on May 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
You say no, politely. If you're not feeling it, you say so. If you simply don't want to have sex, you say so. If the answer is no, you say no. Politely.
If you say "Not right now, but maybe later" or "maybe another time" you're potentially being a tease since you're unintentionally dangling someone along.
Think of it this way: imagine something you'd really like to get. Not sexual at all... it could be anything. How about a raise at work. Now, imagine someone saying they may give you that. Not this time, but maybe another time. Now, imagine if they'd dangled that possibility, but in the end, they never gave it to you.
It's best to learn how to say no, politely, if your answer is no. Trust me, if you decide the answer is yes at a later point, and you tell him you'd like to have sex, you're probably going to have sex. On the other hand, if you dangle the possibility of sex at some point, just not right now, and the sex never happens, you could easily damage a friendship/relationship/connection/whatever.
Learn to say no if your answer is no.
posted by 2oh1 at 4:11 PM on May 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
Assuming I have understood your question correctly: "I feel like we are headed in that direction, but it is too soon for me right now."
If you are asking more along the lines of willpower, ie, you are horny for the person but rationally believe you shouldn't have sex with them (yet), you have to figure out that dichotomy for yourself. Then share your feelings honestly.
A good (potential) partner will be OK with what you want to do. They might be disappointed and frustrated, but nice people don't take those feelings out on others.
posted by gjc at 4:15 PM on May 6, 2013
If you are asking more along the lines of willpower, ie, you are horny for the person but rationally believe you shouldn't have sex with them (yet), you have to figure out that dichotomy for yourself. Then share your feelings honestly.
A good (potential) partner will be OK with what you want to do. They might be disappointed and frustrated, but nice people don't take those feelings out on others.
posted by gjc at 4:15 PM on May 6, 2013
I get the ambiguity here and why you'd ask this question, since an awful lot of people interpret "maybe" answers to just mean no, while a lot of jackasses interpret them to mean "i should keep pushing and trying and eventually they'll give in"
"I'm not ready yet" answers are probably good, but "Not right now, maybe later" could be interpreted in two ways you don't really want.
The young rope riders answers are good in this regard of not sending an overly ambiguous message, as is "i'm not ready yet" type stuff. And yes, sincerity and delivery is key.
posted by emptythought at 5:03 PM on May 6, 2013
"I'm not ready yet" answers are probably good, but "Not right now, maybe later" could be interpreted in two ways you don't really want.
The young rope riders answers are good in this regard of not sending an overly ambiguous message, as is "i'm not ready yet" type stuff. And yes, sincerity and delivery is key.
posted by emptythought at 5:03 PM on May 6, 2013
Best answer: There's a ton of good advice in this thread for saying no to someone you kind of want to have sex with, and with whom you've never had sex before, but think you might want to in the future. There is also the situation in which you've had sex with someone before, kind of want to again, but want/need to say no to sex right now without permanently foreclosing the possibility of doing it again in the future.
For that, depending on how long the relationship has been going on, I'd suggest one of two routes:
1) If you've been dating for a short time, had sex once or twice, and now realize that you'd prefer not to have sex again until you get to know the person better, so you want to stop for a little while, but leave open the possibility of resuming again somewhere down the line, something like: "Hey, I had a really great time the other night, but I sort of feel like we're moving a little fast, and I'd like to slow things down and get to know one another a little better. I really like you, and you're really hot, so it's hard for me to do this, but can we wait for [a few more dates/a few more weeks/a little while longer] to have sex again?"
2) If you've been dating for longer and have had a bunch of sex, but for whatever reason, you just don't feel good emotionally about continuing a sexual relationship right now, but don't want to break up, something like: "Hey, this is really hard for me, especially because of how much I like you, but something is just not feeling quite right to me right now, and I'm feeling a little [emotionally vulnerable/strange/upset/etc.], and I think that what I need right now is for us to temporarily take a break from having sex. I'm not breaking up with you, and I still really like you, but I need some time to get my head on straight, just for myself. Can we put the breaks on having sex for [a few dates/a few weeks/a little while]?"
In other words, with someone you've already slept with, depending on how emotionally intimate you've been with them, you want to just be honest about how you're feeling about having sex. So if it isn't about not enjoying the sex or not finding them hot, maybe it's about the fact that you need to get there emotionally in addition to physically, or whatever is true for you. It's not that you owe them an explanation; you're well within your rights to just say no. But telling the truth about your feelings, while reassuring them that you still like them, is probably the way most likely to prevent them from feeling like it's a personal rejection of them or of their performance in bed. They still might break up with you; just as you have every right to say no to sex, they have every right to say no to a relationship that doesn't include a sexual element. But I think if you're honest and ask for a bit of patience, and explain a little about why you need that, many people will understand that.
posted by decathecting at 5:08 PM on May 6, 2013 [7 favorites]
For that, depending on how long the relationship has been going on, I'd suggest one of two routes:
1) If you've been dating for a short time, had sex once or twice, and now realize that you'd prefer not to have sex again until you get to know the person better, so you want to stop for a little while, but leave open the possibility of resuming again somewhere down the line, something like: "Hey, I had a really great time the other night, but I sort of feel like we're moving a little fast, and I'd like to slow things down and get to know one another a little better. I really like you, and you're really hot, so it's hard for me to do this, but can we wait for [a few more dates/a few more weeks/a little while longer] to have sex again?"
2) If you've been dating for longer and have had a bunch of sex, but for whatever reason, you just don't feel good emotionally about continuing a sexual relationship right now, but don't want to break up, something like: "Hey, this is really hard for me, especially because of how much I like you, but something is just not feeling quite right to me right now, and I'm feeling a little [emotionally vulnerable/strange/upset/etc.], and I think that what I need right now is for us to temporarily take a break from having sex. I'm not breaking up with you, and I still really like you, but I need some time to get my head on straight, just for myself. Can we put the breaks on having sex for [a few dates/a few weeks/a little while]?"
In other words, with someone you've already slept with, depending on how emotionally intimate you've been with them, you want to just be honest about how you're feeling about having sex. So if it isn't about not enjoying the sex or not finding them hot, maybe it's about the fact that you need to get there emotionally in addition to physically, or whatever is true for you. It's not that you owe them an explanation; you're well within your rights to just say no. But telling the truth about your feelings, while reassuring them that you still like them, is probably the way most likely to prevent them from feeling like it's a personal rejection of them or of their performance in bed. They still might break up with you; just as you have every right to say no to sex, they have every right to say no to a relationship that doesn't include a sexual element. But I think if you're honest and ask for a bit of patience, and explain a little about why you need that, many people will understand that.
posted by decathecting at 5:08 PM on May 6, 2013 [7 favorites]
I really believe that the best way is to take a moment and be honest with yourself about exactly what you feel, and then say that exact thought out loud, frankly, even if it makes you feel vulnerable or awkward or the other person might react badly. Because the first half of this is having the guts to be honest. The second half is having the guts to face the reality that other people can and do react to honesty in a way that can be upsetting. But I think it gives you incredible freedom in relationships, when you can start doing this, even if you have to close your eyes to go through with saying certain things, and even you get some reactions afterwards that are upsetting. So you take a moment and look at what your feeling is, and find that your feeling is, simply, "I kind of do want to have sex with you but not right now," I think it is best to say exactly, exactly that. Yeah, you may get some people who get pissed off, feeling like your honesty about reality is a way of "teasing" them and being a big meanie. I think it's still worth operating this way even if you sometimes have to deal with the reactions of some people who are bothered by certain realities.
posted by cairdeas at 5:28 PM on May 6, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by cairdeas at 5:28 PM on May 6, 2013 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Excellent answers so far. Thank you all so much. I asked semi-generally because I thought it would be useful to hear answers for myself and also to be able to give advice to others in different cases.
For me personally: I am generally pro-sex, but at times feel like maybe I don't want to take my shirt off right now OR maybe I want to take it slow OR maybe I feel like I have had too many glasses of wine for this to be any good right now OR maybe this is a person that I just want to make out with and not go any further. That said, I also like to have sex with men who I am attracted to, and so I have had sex at times when I would have possibly preferred to take things slower (because it may have been better for the sex/intimacy or the relationship or both). I feel that I have a hard time communicating "no, let's not have sex even though I kinda want to" in that kind of situation.
posted by anonymoosemoosemoose at 5:38 PM on May 6, 2013
For me personally: I am generally pro-sex, but at times feel like maybe I don't want to take my shirt off right now OR maybe I want to take it slow OR maybe I feel like I have had too many glasses of wine for this to be any good right now OR maybe this is a person that I just want to make out with and not go any further. That said, I also like to have sex with men who I am attracted to, and so I have had sex at times when I would have possibly preferred to take things slower (because it may have been better for the sex/intimacy or the relationship or both). I feel that I have a hard time communicating "no, let's not have sex even though I kinda want to" in that kind of situation.
posted by anonymoosemoosemoose at 5:38 PM on May 6, 2013
Best answer: I prefer to speak forthrightly: "I don't want to have sex tonight."
The word "tonight" indicates that it's the timing, not the person, that's at issue. I avoid language that sounds apologetic. When I say that I don't want to have sex tonight, I'm making an assertion about what I want. I'm not insulting the other person and I sure as hell am not breaking any kind of obligation to them.
I think it's fine, and probably a good idea, to be equally explicit about what you DO want to do. Like, "I want to make out with you for a while, then go home." Or, "I want to give you a big kiss and make a date for next week." The other person is free to say what they want, too, and if they want something different, you can find a happy compromise or figure out with minimal drama that your desires are incompatible.
posted by LBS at 6:06 PM on May 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
The word "tonight" indicates that it's the timing, not the person, that's at issue. I avoid language that sounds apologetic. When I say that I don't want to have sex tonight, I'm making an assertion about what I want. I'm not insulting the other person and I sure as hell am not breaking any kind of obligation to them.
I think it's fine, and probably a good idea, to be equally explicit about what you DO want to do. Like, "I want to make out with you for a while, then go home." Or, "I want to give you a big kiss and make a date for next week." The other person is free to say what they want, too, and if they want something different, you can find a happy compromise or figure out with minimal drama that your desires are incompatible.
posted by LBS at 6:06 PM on May 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
I also like to have sex with men who I am attracted to, and so I have had sex at times when I would have possibly preferred to take things slower
I can relate to this and am learning that having sex "too soon" really doesn't work for me. And yet, in the moment, it always seems like a good idea.
That said, the easiest way I've found is simply to avoid being in intimate settings with the person until such a time when I feel like we are both ready.
Now, if only I could heed my own advice more often.
posted by Milau at 8:33 PM on May 6, 2013
I can relate to this and am learning that having sex "too soon" really doesn't work for me. And yet, in the moment, it always seems like a good idea.
That said, the easiest way I've found is simply to avoid being in intimate settings with the person until such a time when I feel like we are both ready.
Now, if only I could heed my own advice more often.
posted by Milau at 8:33 PM on May 6, 2013
Sometimes I've just wanted to prolong the fun, so have said something like "I want to stop for now because I want to have something to look forward to."
If you have already been down that sexual path with someone, it is really important to be honest, and say something - say something, anything, rather than becoming avoidant, sullen, cruel, etc. Based on a bad experience with a dear friend who faded away with no explanation after good, but confusing, sex, I try to be as upfront as possible in my relations. If my old friend had said to me, "That was fun, but confusing, and I don't think I want to do it again," I could've handled it - but instead I'm out a friend.
posted by analog at 8:44 PM on May 6, 2013
If you have already been down that sexual path with someone, it is really important to be honest, and say something - say something, anything, rather than becoming avoidant, sullen, cruel, etc. Based on a bad experience with a dear friend who faded away with no explanation after good, but confusing, sex, I try to be as upfront as possible in my relations. If my old friend had said to me, "That was fun, but confusing, and I don't think I want to do it again," I could've handled it - but instead I'm out a friend.
posted by analog at 8:44 PM on May 6, 2013
I'm not ready right now... it's too soon for me... but we can do other stuff...
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:48 PM on May 6, 2013
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:48 PM on May 6, 2013
Best answer: I want to address something that was said above about being a "tease". That word gets thrown around a lot as a pejorative (almost always directed at women), and its current usage really undermines the whole idea of being able to say "No" now, but leaving the door open for future intimacy.
In order to respond to your own wants in the moment, you need to internalize the idea that there shouldn't be obligations or expectations in sexual intimacy. Saying "I don't want to do X with you right now, but I might be interested in the future" should never be construed as an IOU. It should give all parties anticipation (which is awesome!) but not an expectation. Saying someone shouldn't be a "tease" (with all that implies) only helps to internalize the idea that your words about future sexual intimacy being possible somehow implies an obligation. It's healthy to get away from that dynamic.
posted by baniak at 9:25 AM on May 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
In order to respond to your own wants in the moment, you need to internalize the idea that there shouldn't be obligations or expectations in sexual intimacy. Saying "I don't want to do X with you right now, but I might be interested in the future" should never be construed as an IOU. It should give all parties anticipation (which is awesome!) but not an expectation. Saying someone shouldn't be a "tease" (with all that implies) only helps to internalize the idea that your words about future sexual intimacy being possible somehow implies an obligation. It's healthy to get away from that dynamic.
posted by baniak at 9:25 AM on May 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
Re: being a tease, sometimes I have said things like, "I know it can be uncomfortable for some people to make out and then not have sex. If you want, we can stop seeing each other this way and don't have to do anything at all. I want you to have a good time. Or, if you like, you can masturbate here next to me. Whatever feels good to you, just let me know."
I sometimes just say straightforwardly, "I don't tend to have sex a lot outside of relationships, but I am really enjoying what we are doing here. Is it okay with you if we keep things at this level for now?"
I don't love to say, "Maybe later" because it sounds like, "Just suffer through this, and I promise we can have sex later." Ugh. Not having sex is totally a fine option in and of it self, even if there is no "later." There are lots of ways to enjoy people physically that are not as emotionally intense and intimate as sexual intercourse.
There are some people I probably don't ever want to have intercourse with, because IMO that brings things to a different emotional level, at least for me. However I still like them and might like to make out and enjoy each other's bodies in more casual ways, if they want to.
posted by htid at 9:38 AM on May 7, 2013
I sometimes just say straightforwardly, "I don't tend to have sex a lot outside of relationships, but I am really enjoying what we are doing here. Is it okay with you if we keep things at this level for now?"
I don't love to say, "Maybe later" because it sounds like, "Just suffer through this, and I promise we can have sex later." Ugh. Not having sex is totally a fine option in and of it self, even if there is no "later." There are lots of ways to enjoy people physically that are not as emotionally intense and intimate as sexual intercourse.
There are some people I probably don't ever want to have intercourse with, because IMO that brings things to a different emotional level, at least for me. However I still like them and might like to make out and enjoy each other's bodies in more casual ways, if they want to.
posted by htid at 9:38 AM on May 7, 2013
If a man says "I might want to get married later but not right now" is he being a tease? What if that's the truth?
If you think you might be open to sex later and guy doesn't want to wait around, i.e. wants sex NOW he is welcome to end the relationship and go find someone who is ready for intimacy right away. If a man doesn't feel ready for marriage his partner can end the relationship and look for someone who is ready.
This is what happens when you have relationships. Feelings can be ambiguous and uncertain. Feelings can get hurt.
Never INTENTIONALLY hurt people, and yes think through how they will be affected as you're doing now, but anyone who thinks you're a tease because you wanted to go slow with sexual activity and weren't ready to jump in the sack right away can break up with you (or not go out with you to start if you haven't started dating) and find someone more compatible (and more the better for you if so.)
These stereotypes are SO sexist. I would caution against a dynamic where one person is ready for dynamic x and you don't know when or if you're ready for dynamic x and is really miserable or pressuring you to get ready for x. Often it's just a sign of relationship incompatibilty because you're having really different relationship style and needs from the start. It might help to start relationships by saying "I like to take things slow with regard to sexual intimacy but I like you and would like to get to know you for a while (a few weeks/months) and see if we're compatible, is that something you like to do before getting intimate?"
then think about what sort of things you're looking for to know you're ready so you can let your partner know when you're really feeling ready, and let them know you're happy to wait for them to work out what things would make them ready. I'm a fan of communication so I would prefer to find out a persons life philosophy, interests, community involvement, family values, parenting values, health habits and all kinds of things to see if we would be compatible. That takes time and it saves a lot of heartache to not jump into the sexual intimacy when there's no practical possibility of a happy relationship.
posted by xarnop at 1:03 PM on May 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you think you might be open to sex later and guy doesn't want to wait around, i.e. wants sex NOW he is welcome to end the relationship and go find someone who is ready for intimacy right away. If a man doesn't feel ready for marriage his partner can end the relationship and look for someone who is ready.
This is what happens when you have relationships. Feelings can be ambiguous and uncertain. Feelings can get hurt.
Never INTENTIONALLY hurt people, and yes think through how they will be affected as you're doing now, but anyone who thinks you're a tease because you wanted to go slow with sexual activity and weren't ready to jump in the sack right away can break up with you (or not go out with you to start if you haven't started dating) and find someone more compatible (and more the better for you if so.)
These stereotypes are SO sexist. I would caution against a dynamic where one person is ready for dynamic x and you don't know when or if you're ready for dynamic x and is really miserable or pressuring you to get ready for x. Often it's just a sign of relationship incompatibilty because you're having really different relationship style and needs from the start. It might help to start relationships by saying "I like to take things slow with regard to sexual intimacy but I like you and would like to get to know you for a while (a few weeks/months) and see if we're compatible, is that something you like to do before getting intimate?"
then think about what sort of things you're looking for to know you're ready so you can let your partner know when you're really feeling ready, and let them know you're happy to wait for them to work out what things would make them ready. I'm a fan of communication so I would prefer to find out a persons life philosophy, interests, community involvement, family values, parenting values, health habits and all kinds of things to see if we would be compatible. That takes time and it saves a lot of heartache to not jump into the sexual intimacy when there's no practical possibility of a happy relationship.
posted by xarnop at 1:03 PM on May 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
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posted by elizardbits at 3:37 PM on May 6, 2013