Parents - what do you do to relax ?
April 19, 2013 12:19 PM
I'm interested in how other parents manage to share the workload and arrange rest times for themselves and their partners.
We have a 21 month child here and i'm wondering if any other parents figured out a self caring kind of routine for themselves - you know on sunday you get 5 minutes for a cup of tea all to yourself kind of thing. I've noticed that places that are oases of peace for adults - beaches, farms etc are now places where danger lurks around every corner, its quite tiring and we could use some suggestions on relaxation from those more experienced.
We have a 21 month child here and i'm wondering if any other parents figured out a self caring kind of routine for themselves - you know on sunday you get 5 minutes for a cup of tea all to yourself kind of thing. I've noticed that places that are oases of peace for adults - beaches, farms etc are now places where danger lurks around every corner, its quite tiring and we could use some suggestions on relaxation from those more experienced.
Babysitters FTW! We'd be toast without a sitter on the occasional weekend night. Also, we try to communicate clearly with each other so if one is getting burnt out from dealing with the spawn the other can take over so the burnt one can go hide under the bed for a while.
It does get better as they get older, though, and you can let them alone for 30-45 seconds at a shot.
posted by tigerjade at 12:27 PM on April 19, 2013
It does get better as they get older, though, and you can let them alone for 30-45 seconds at a shot.
posted by tigerjade at 12:27 PM on April 19, 2013
We do this two ways: we rotate mornings on the weekends (for self care) and have date night every other week (for relationship care). Weekend mornings might be for yoga or haircuts or sleeping in or coffee and a book.
posted by dpx.mfx at 12:29 PM on April 19, 2013
posted by dpx.mfx at 12:29 PM on April 19, 2013
It varies according to one's own tastes, but yeah, a daily or weekly "free time" can be invaluable. The kid won't end up traumatized.
In my case -- after the baby was asleep, one of us (alternating) got 15 uninterrupted minutes, period. Anything south of a meteor strike, the "on duty" parent had to handle.
We each got one free weekend afternoon each month as well. There were times that each of us had to chase the other out the door on those days, but it helps both before and after to know that the other person will not burn the house down while you're at the mall or seeing a movie.
The earlier you get the baby used to having a babysitter for date nights, the better off you'll all be generally.
posted by Etrigan at 12:31 PM on April 19, 2013
In my case -- after the baby was asleep, one of us (alternating) got 15 uninterrupted minutes, period. Anything south of a meteor strike, the "on duty" parent had to handle.
We each got one free weekend afternoon each month as well. There were times that each of us had to chase the other out the door on those days, but it helps both before and after to know that the other person will not burn the house down while you're at the mall or seeing a movie.
The earlier you get the baby used to having a babysitter for date nights, the better off you'll all be generally.
posted by Etrigan at 12:31 PM on April 19, 2013
Its more of a tool to allow you free time, but Babysitting cooperative; we have teamed up with about 8 or so other couples that we know very well, and we've created a closed economy with points to buy hours of babysitting. It's free, you just have to sit other kids too.
We make certain to go out twice a month together, and make sure the other person can get out on their own once a month at least.
As far as self care, switching from car commuting to riding my bike to work gave me some serious good vibes in that department. My wife loves her to-work bus ride for alone/bookreading/podcast time.
posted by furnace.heart at 12:34 PM on April 19, 2013
We make certain to go out twice a month together, and make sure the other person can get out on their own once a month at least.
As far as self care, switching from car commuting to riding my bike to work gave me some serious good vibes in that department. My wife loves her to-work bus ride for alone/bookreading/podcast time.
posted by furnace.heart at 12:34 PM on April 19, 2013
Once the kids are asleep, we stop with the cleaning and other work and just take some time to talk, read books, and watch TV.
posted by Area Man at 12:39 PM on April 19, 2013
posted by Area Man at 12:39 PM on April 19, 2013
I have a more difficult case of this than many people, as I have a 20-month-old daughter who's mother passed away a few months ago. I just have to take advantage of any help offered, I live close to grandparents on purpose, and honestly, I am as hands-off as possible a lot of the time. If she wants to run around the backyard and is having fun, that's fine. I'll sit on the deck and drink my beer even if she's getting dirty or splashing in the birdbath or walking on top if the retaining wall. Maybe she'll fall down a couple more times than other kids, but she'll probably also be more independent.
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 12:47 PM on April 19, 2013
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 12:47 PM on April 19, 2013
tylerkaraszewski makes a good point. There are two of us, but we've started switching to his approach. With the first two kids, we sort of hovered around them a lot of the time. We now let the youngest (23 months) roam around and play on her own (or with her siblings) much more than when the older two were little and it seems to work out. Maybe they make a big mess in the yard or the living room while I'm reading a book or looking at metafilter, but cleaning it up is worth having a few moments to do something I enjoy.
posted by Area Man at 1:07 PM on April 19, 2013
posted by Area Man at 1:07 PM on April 19, 2013
I think Tyler's attitude is great. Let the kid run a bit, get messy, fall down, etc. I also think 20 months is sort of a crazy time. They are super mobile and motivated and have zero sense of self-preservation or, really, any kind of consequences. It does get better and you are better able to predict the kind of disasters that your kid is most liable to get into and head them off. But those months leading up to their first birthday I recall as being pretty full-on and stressful.
My husband and I trade off bedtime. Though, when I was 100% full-time mommying, he did all the bedtimes. Now that the little one is in daycare, I typically do bedtimes on those days and he does them on the other days. Sadly, a lot of "me" time involves passing each other like ships in the night. Someone has to wrangle the baby, after all. So, a regular night out together is a must if you can swing it. We also just discovered that our very verbal 2-1/2 year old is less interactive when we put her in the stroller. Before this, she's been in a carrier or on Daddy's shoulders or Mom's piggy-back and lately it's non-stop talking from her and she gets pissed if she thinks anyone is tuning her out. So, throw her in the stroller, go for an invigorating walk while having grown up conversation with the occasional, "Wow! That is a birdie!"
I just recently read How Studio Night Saved My Marriage and like it a lot. I forwarded it to my husband and we tried to put it into action immediately. Sadly, there was a string of bad bedtimes that stretched from 7-10 BUT, we each managed to go to our corners and do something a little more creative than usual. I think that's key. Do something with your hands, make something, etc., not just watch TV or surf the internet.
If you have a backyard, get a hammock. I instantly feel relaxed when I lay down in my hammock. It's really weird. I'll set up the kid with some kind of activity -- a tub full of water, a bucket and a pile of dirt, even my iPad -- and then I lay in my hammock and throw a quilt over me and read on my phone/kindle. I can't wait for warmer weather to hit to do just this. Plus, snuggling with kids in a hammock is better than regular snuggles.
posted by amanda at 1:14 PM on April 19, 2013
My husband and I trade off bedtime. Though, when I was 100% full-time mommying, he did all the bedtimes. Now that the little one is in daycare, I typically do bedtimes on those days and he does them on the other days. Sadly, a lot of "me" time involves passing each other like ships in the night. Someone has to wrangle the baby, after all. So, a regular night out together is a must if you can swing it. We also just discovered that our very verbal 2-1/2 year old is less interactive when we put her in the stroller. Before this, she's been in a carrier or on Daddy's shoulders or Mom's piggy-back and lately it's non-stop talking from her and she gets pissed if she thinks anyone is tuning her out. So, throw her in the stroller, go for an invigorating walk while having grown up conversation with the occasional, "Wow! That is a birdie!"
I just recently read How Studio Night Saved My Marriage and like it a lot. I forwarded it to my husband and we tried to put it into action immediately. Sadly, there was a string of bad bedtimes that stretched from 7-10 BUT, we each managed to go to our corners and do something a little more creative than usual. I think that's key. Do something with your hands, make something, etc., not just watch TV or surf the internet.
If you have a backyard, get a hammock. I instantly feel relaxed when I lay down in my hammock. It's really weird. I'll set up the kid with some kind of activity -- a tub full of water, a bucket and a pile of dirt, even my iPad -- and then I lay in my hammock and throw a quilt over me and read on my phone/kindle. I can't wait for warmer weather to hit to do just this. Plus, snuggling with kids in a hammock is better than regular snuggles.
posted by amanda at 1:14 PM on April 19, 2013
When we had a 21 month old, we also had a 9 month old and a 36 month old. I would get up early on Sat and Sunday and take all three somewhere like the park or grocery store or playground. Like Tyler, my rule was similar to the school yard basketball rule, no blood, no foul. We met a couple with 5 kids in 7 years around that time and I asked the mother when she had all five at the park if she ever lost one. She said, "Yup, but so far we have always found them too." He light hearted response made me relax with ours much more.
So, my wife would have weekend mornings and I would get the afternoon nap time to well nap. I used to love to give all three a bath (water and bubbles everywhere!!!!) and the wife would often sit and read with a glass of wine during bath and book time.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:29 PM on April 19, 2013
So, my wife would have weekend mornings and I would get the afternoon nap time to well nap. I used to love to give all three a bath (water and bubbles everywhere!!!!) and the wife would often sit and read with a glass of wine during bath and book time.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:29 PM on April 19, 2013
Mother's days out. Part-time daycare. These are things that are well worth your money. Just knowing you have a break coming every Wednesday afternoon or what have you will keep you sane.
We did (still do to some extent) the switching off-on-weekends thing. We each got one weekend morning to sleep in. I kind of joined my church because Sunday was the husband's day and trying to keep a kid quiet until lunchtime in the house was too hard. I stayed for other reasons, but an hour where my kid was entertained and I could be a lone adult was worth freaking gold to me. The sermons were pretty much irrelevant. It was also a good place to meet likely playdate pals.
So; one weekend morning to sleep in, at a minimum. Segregation of tasks: I always did wake up and bedtime, he always did afternoon playing, we handled meals together. One of you will probably be good at some things, and the other at other things. I excel at doing storytimes; he excels at doing Legos.
It also ok to beg for a 30 minute nap period if child is happy with other parent at the moment, followed by you taking over.
Playdates are kind of a help in this; you are still on parent duty but the kid has a new person to focus on and the other parent gives you another adult to talk to/laugh with. Helps in tiring the kid out too.
posted by emjaybee at 1:47 PM on April 19, 2013
We did (still do to some extent) the switching off-on-weekends thing. We each got one weekend morning to sleep in. I kind of joined my church because Sunday was the husband's day and trying to keep a kid quiet until lunchtime in the house was too hard. I stayed for other reasons, but an hour where my kid was entertained and I could be a lone adult was worth freaking gold to me. The sermons were pretty much irrelevant. It was also a good place to meet likely playdate pals.
So; one weekend morning to sleep in, at a minimum. Segregation of tasks: I always did wake up and bedtime, he always did afternoon playing, we handled meals together. One of you will probably be good at some things, and the other at other things. I excel at doing storytimes; he excels at doing Legos.
It also ok to beg for a 30 minute nap period if child is happy with other parent at the moment, followed by you taking over.
Playdates are kind of a help in this; you are still on parent duty but the kid has a new person to focus on and the other parent gives you another adult to talk to/laugh with. Helps in tiring the kid out too.
posted by emjaybee at 1:47 PM on April 19, 2013
Little kids are not for the faint of heart. If it helps, my Dad, a fabulous family therapist, says that it's all "front-loaded" you will work like a dog when your kids are young, but if you do it right, you can coast after about the age of 7.
At 7, I cooked breakfast and took care of my sister while my parents slept in on the weekends. I'd read the comics to her. We have an awesome relationship.
Rule 1. Bedroom time is 7:00PM. You don't have to sleep, but you can't come out.
Rule 2. Date Night. At least 1 time a month, give the baby to someone to look after and go out on an honest-to-goodness date. Reconnect with each other, find out what's up in the workplace, talk about the news. See a movie that doesn't have an action figure or Happy Meal associated with it.
Rule 3. It's not selfish to have time to yourself. Perhaps you both join a gym that has child care, so you can each work out and someone else can watch the kiddo a couple nights a week. On alternate Saturdays, you each go for treatments: Manicures, Pedicures, Massages, Haircuts, whatever. Lunch or dinner with friends, either as a couple or separately.
Rule 4. Family-time doesn't have to be kid-centric. Just because you've brought the kiddo along, doesn't mean that you can only leave the house for Gymboree or a Barney Show. Go to adult places and bring the little one. Museums, art galleries, walks, breakfast. Little kids just like getting out of the house. Sure, you can't stay out all day, and lunch at the Entrail Hut restaurant isn't going to go over all that well, but I got dragged to all kinds of adult-oriented fun and to this day I'm still a live music, museum-goer.
Rule 5. Outsource what you can. I was little when my dad went to grad school, so we were very broke when I was a kid. But even at that, my mom joined the UC Berkeley Co-Op Day Care so she could have some time to herself during the day. Similarly, if you can manage it, pay a kid $20 a week to spend an hour or two after school playing with your child. Instead of doing laundry, pay for Fluff and Fold. Hire a housecleaning person. Pay to mow the yard. Hire a handyman to get around to the chores in the house. A nearly two-year-old is so much of a handful, common household drudgery is the last thing you want to deal with. Even if you can't do it regularly, skipping it every so often is a pleasure.
Rule 6. Ask for help. Call in the reserves. Other friends with kids, childless folks who enjoy playing with your little one, grandparents, random cousins, anyone you know and trust. "Hey, can you come over here? I'm about one more tantrum away from murdering little Horatio." Sometimes respite is a lifesaver.
Rule 7. Lower your standards. Dinner can be PBJ. The bathroom can be give a quick once-over with a Clorox wipe instead of a scrub, the Trader Joes heat and serve meal is pretty good and Juinor will eat it. Not everything has to be done to the level of Martha Stewart.
Hang in there, it doesn't last forever, and if you do it right, you have years of relaxing times to come.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:58 PM on April 19, 2013
At 7, I cooked breakfast and took care of my sister while my parents slept in on the weekends. I'd read the comics to her. We have an awesome relationship.
Rule 1. Bedroom time is 7:00PM. You don't have to sleep, but you can't come out.
Rule 2. Date Night. At least 1 time a month, give the baby to someone to look after and go out on an honest-to-goodness date. Reconnect with each other, find out what's up in the workplace, talk about the news. See a movie that doesn't have an action figure or Happy Meal associated with it.
Rule 3. It's not selfish to have time to yourself. Perhaps you both join a gym that has child care, so you can each work out and someone else can watch the kiddo a couple nights a week. On alternate Saturdays, you each go for treatments: Manicures, Pedicures, Massages, Haircuts, whatever. Lunch or dinner with friends, either as a couple or separately.
Rule 4. Family-time doesn't have to be kid-centric. Just because you've brought the kiddo along, doesn't mean that you can only leave the house for Gymboree or a Barney Show. Go to adult places and bring the little one. Museums, art galleries, walks, breakfast. Little kids just like getting out of the house. Sure, you can't stay out all day, and lunch at the Entrail Hut restaurant isn't going to go over all that well, but I got dragged to all kinds of adult-oriented fun and to this day I'm still a live music, museum-goer.
Rule 5. Outsource what you can. I was little when my dad went to grad school, so we were very broke when I was a kid. But even at that, my mom joined the UC Berkeley Co-Op Day Care so she could have some time to herself during the day. Similarly, if you can manage it, pay a kid $20 a week to spend an hour or two after school playing with your child. Instead of doing laundry, pay for Fluff and Fold. Hire a housecleaning person. Pay to mow the yard. Hire a handyman to get around to the chores in the house. A nearly two-year-old is so much of a handful, common household drudgery is the last thing you want to deal with. Even if you can't do it regularly, skipping it every so often is a pleasure.
Rule 6. Ask for help. Call in the reserves. Other friends with kids, childless folks who enjoy playing with your little one, grandparents, random cousins, anyone you know and trust. "Hey, can you come over here? I'm about one more tantrum away from murdering little Horatio." Sometimes respite is a lifesaver.
Rule 7. Lower your standards. Dinner can be PBJ. The bathroom can be give a quick once-over with a Clorox wipe instead of a scrub, the Trader Joes heat and serve meal is pretty good and Juinor will eat it. Not everything has to be done to the level of Martha Stewart.
Hang in there, it doesn't last forever, and if you do it right, you have years of relaxing times to come.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:58 PM on April 19, 2013
If your child has a rest time (or nap time) during the week, whenever feasible keep it going on the weekend. And then take that time to rest yourself. Doesn't have to be sleep, but at least get off your feet.
Once your precious little one is "too old" for naps, keep enforcing Rest time. We have it worked into our calendar for every weekend day: we have lunch, and then it's "Rest time," for between 15 minutes and an hour, where mom naps (actual attempted sleep) and I rest (with occasional naps). The kids are instructed to be quiet, and they really seem to enjoy the down time.
And what everyone says above is true: work now will pay dividends in the future. My kids are 6 and almost 9. It does really help.
posted by China Grover at 2:49 PM on April 19, 2013
Once your precious little one is "too old" for naps, keep enforcing Rest time. We have it worked into our calendar for every weekend day: we have lunch, and then it's "Rest time," for between 15 minutes and an hour, where mom naps (actual attempted sleep) and I rest (with occasional naps). The kids are instructed to be quiet, and they really seem to enjoy the down time.
And what everyone says above is true: work now will pay dividends in the future. My kids are 6 and almost 9. It does really help.
posted by China Grover at 2:49 PM on April 19, 2013
Right now, you are feeling that it's a lot of maintenance. That's part of the nature of it, but I'll agree with those who say that you can structure some good time in even with the craziest of situations, with some forethought and discipline (for you). We have three under the age of seven, and a structured bedtime, started early on in their lives, has provided us a lot of sanity.
Our guaranteed time alone is after 7pm. I'm pretty ruthless about bedtime, although for the older one, we let her stay up a bit later so that she can have her own sanity apart from the other two that are attached to her most of the day (because most of the time, they really love her). In any case, it slows down a LOT at our house at night, and it's the time that we use to recharge our batteries.
One thing I do for my wife (and she returns the favor) is to provide time for her to get out of the house by herself at night, and also have part of the weekend. During these times, she gets to leave almost as soon as I get home from work. I make dinner while she's gone, entertain the girls, and put them to bed. She comes home some time after they are asleep and gets the evening to just chill after sitting in a coffee shop or something equally rewarding. We also give each other opportunities to take naps when needed without much complaint. This kind of thing take very intentional communication, though.
One thing that is huge (at least for me) is something that is called (if I recall correctly) benevolent neglect. That is, I don't need to be catering to my child 24/7, both for their benefit and my own (and consequently, the good of the family unit). It's good for them at times to play alone, learn how to entertain themselves, whatever. It's okay for me to say at times, "Sorry, I really can't play tea-party right now because I'm recharging my batteries."
This last one only works properly, I think, if you are investing appropriately in your children at other times. I don't think it should be the normal default response to emotionally developing children, but I also think the converse is also a problem. Too much attention (at the expense of your emotional well being, BTW) can, at points, hinder growth, if it keeps them from learning skills for self care.
posted by SpacemanStix at 3:30 PM on April 19, 2013
Our guaranteed time alone is after 7pm. I'm pretty ruthless about bedtime, although for the older one, we let her stay up a bit later so that she can have her own sanity apart from the other two that are attached to her most of the day (because most of the time, they really love her). In any case, it slows down a LOT at our house at night, and it's the time that we use to recharge our batteries.
One thing I do for my wife (and she returns the favor) is to provide time for her to get out of the house by herself at night, and also have part of the weekend. During these times, she gets to leave almost as soon as I get home from work. I make dinner while she's gone, entertain the girls, and put them to bed. She comes home some time after they are asleep and gets the evening to just chill after sitting in a coffee shop or something equally rewarding. We also give each other opportunities to take naps when needed without much complaint. This kind of thing take very intentional communication, though.
One thing that is huge (at least for me) is something that is called (if I recall correctly) benevolent neglect. That is, I don't need to be catering to my child 24/7, both for their benefit and my own (and consequently, the good of the family unit). It's good for them at times to play alone, learn how to entertain themselves, whatever. It's okay for me to say at times, "Sorry, I really can't play tea-party right now because I'm recharging my batteries."
This last one only works properly, I think, if you are investing appropriately in your children at other times. I don't think it should be the normal default response to emotionally developing children, but I also think the converse is also a problem. Too much attention (at the expense of your emotional well being, BTW) can, at points, hinder growth, if it keeps them from learning skills for self care.
posted by SpacemanStix at 3:30 PM on April 19, 2013
Seconding what SpacemanStix said, I believe the term is 'benign neglect' and if you google it you'll get some interesting reads.
Its hard to not hover over our first born and cater to their every whim as if they were the center of our universe and forget that we are individuals with needs as well. Its hard to let go of the guilt, I know!
Our local child psychology center teaches that if you are responding to 1/3 of your child's requests for engaging/attention you are doing a good and balanced job of parenting. Any less is neglect and any more is essentially spoiling them and robbing them of developing the essential skills of problem solving, independence and the ability to use imagination and entertain oneself.
Just to add a tip that has been invaluable that I got from a friend: On weekends before you go to bed, put a bowl of cereal, raisins and a juice box out for the kids on the kitchen table. That way they can get up, feed themselves breakfast and watch cartoons and let you have a leisurely morning in bed with your partner. This works when they are slightly older then yours, but my kids at 3-4 were pretty adept at operating the tv and dvd player.
posted by tenaciousmoon at 4:00 PM on April 19, 2013
Its hard to not hover over our first born and cater to their every whim as if they were the center of our universe and forget that we are individuals with needs as well. Its hard to let go of the guilt, I know!
Our local child psychology center teaches that if you are responding to 1/3 of your child's requests for engaging/attention you are doing a good and balanced job of parenting. Any less is neglect and any more is essentially spoiling them and robbing them of developing the essential skills of problem solving, independence and the ability to use imagination and entertain oneself.
Just to add a tip that has been invaluable that I got from a friend: On weekends before you go to bed, put a bowl of cereal, raisins and a juice box out for the kids on the kitchen table. That way they can get up, feed themselves breakfast and watch cartoons and let you have a leisurely morning in bed with your partner. This works when they are slightly older then yours, but my kids at 3-4 were pretty adept at operating the tv and dvd player.
posted by tenaciousmoon at 4:00 PM on April 19, 2013
My "alone time" is when I get home from work and I take a shower. I read in the shower, usually, until the hot water runs out. This usually takes about 20 minutes. My wife knows not to bother me when I'm soaking in the hot water, and I lock the door so the kids can't come in.
Other than that, I play video games at night after the kids are in bed when I have about 90 minutes of free time (although if my wife is home and not at her night shift we usually watch TV instead).
posted by tacodave at 4:19 PM on April 19, 2013
Other than that, I play video games at night after the kids are in bed when I have about 90 minutes of free time (although if my wife is home and not at her night shift we usually watch TV instead).
posted by tacodave at 4:19 PM on April 19, 2013
I'm going to n-th an early and strict bedtime. My kids still love their early bedtime.
Dinner, toothbrushing, toilet, a book or two, bed. One parent does the bedtime routine (toothbrushing and on), one parent cleans up (the faster that parent goes, the more time they have alone).
My kids are now older, and the older one just got an extra 30 minutes to read or write quietly, with the expressed agreement that she's on her own. (She's thrilled!)
I also put my kids to work, leaving more spare time for the adults. My kids at 2 were able to at least help clear the kitchen table a little bit, "fold" laundry, etc. Now they help more, we go with the team approach (as opposed to chores). Train 'em young!
posted by mamabear at 4:29 PM on April 19, 2013
Dinner, toothbrushing, toilet, a book or two, bed. One parent does the bedtime routine (toothbrushing and on), one parent cleans up (the faster that parent goes, the more time they have alone).
My kids are now older, and the older one just got an extra 30 minutes to read or write quietly, with the expressed agreement that she's on her own. (She's thrilled!)
I also put my kids to work, leaving more spare time for the adults. My kids at 2 were able to at least help clear the kitchen table a little bit, "fold" laundry, etc. Now they help more, we go with the team approach (as opposed to chores). Train 'em young!
posted by mamabear at 4:29 PM on April 19, 2013
Weekend mornings: when kids wake up they can watch TV by themselves til 9 am. It's the only time they get to watch it, so they are completely hypnotized. Mom and dad get grownup time til 9.
Before they were old enough for this, we had a babysitter come on Saturday mornings from 6:30 to 9:30. She would be there when they woke up, get them breakfast, take them out to play, and give them a bath. By 9:30 they were fed, exercised and bathed and we could start the day, having had the morning to ourselves to either sleep in/do other bed stuff, go to the gym, or whatever.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:43 PM on April 19, 2013
Before they were old enough for this, we had a babysitter come on Saturday mornings from 6:30 to 9:30. She would be there when they woke up, get them breakfast, take them out to play, and give them a bath. By 9:30 they were fed, exercised and bathed and we could start the day, having had the morning to ourselves to either sleep in/do other bed stuff, go to the gym, or whatever.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:43 PM on April 19, 2013
1) Relatives, or relative like people to look after the kid.
2) Taking turns, like, literally making sure one person is not even around the baby (they're out of the house, or you and baby are out of the house)
3) Bedtime is 7pm
4) Taking turns for sleep-ins on the weekend (mixed success with our little ones there. Still, just lying in bed awake can be nice).
5) Paradoxically, hanging around other friends with toddlers is the best. Their houses are toddler-proof so no worries there, and if there's a big social group of us, there's plenty of moments to just chill whilst friends (with kids or not) play with the babies, and then you play with them later. Also toddler-friends understand if you need to go suddenly, if you need to put the kid down for a rest or whatever, if you need to borrow some baby equipment.
posted by smoke at 5:03 PM on April 19, 2013
2) Taking turns, like, literally making sure one person is not even around the baby (they're out of the house, or you and baby are out of the house)
3) Bedtime is 7pm
4) Taking turns for sleep-ins on the weekend (mixed success with our little ones there. Still, just lying in bed awake can be nice).
5) Paradoxically, hanging around other friends with toddlers is the best. Their houses are toddler-proof so no worries there, and if there's a big social group of us, there's plenty of moments to just chill whilst friends (with kids or not) play with the babies, and then you play with them later. Also toddler-friends understand if you need to go suddenly, if you need to put the kid down for a rest or whatever, if you need to borrow some baby equipment.
posted by smoke at 5:03 PM on April 19, 2013
Not sure what your exact issue is.
Yes, within just a few months they get A LOT better at not hurting themselves and groking what is safe. Then, the boundary testing comes into play. Fun!
I def let my 24 month old run free, exceptions are car parks (including our own) and this one window in our home that my son likes to play with and is really fragile, so we close the shutters over it and secure with a cabinet safety thingy. I'm vigilant, but once you get a routine both you and the babe know, it is easy.
I never ever ever raise my voice. Never. The one or two times I have raised my voice because toddler was toddling into danger stopped him cold. I know that it is SO EASY to get exasperated and raise your voice and say "No" a lot - but you have to quell that shit. You must consciously remember at ALL TIMES that your brand new being doesn't understand nuance, also that they will mimic you or challenge you if you give them purchase to do so. Manage yourself, and you'll easily manage them.
Instead of getting hysterical, I distract my child with a better activity. So much easier than pulling him off of the table or the stairs every five minutes with a reprimand. Seriously.
As for parent time...
My husband and I have date nights. Since my husband did not want to do sleep training, and my son likes to party 'til the break-a-break-dawn, I go off duty at about 9:30 most nights. And that is that.
Once a week I go to acupuncture in the early morning. After 9 most nights I go to the gym.
I've encouraged my husband to do similar, and he does, in his own way.
The park closest to our house is really really safe. Before this stage, we went to more museums, gardens, zoos, the aquarium, and the like. Now that we're in the rambunctious stage, we go to the child-safe park, and we often pack an easy but delicious lunch. We all go together. The son usually scoots around on a mini big wheels or plays with other kids, and if possible, husband and I hit a birdie around with badminton racquets, which is totally zen and fun when the wind isn't kicking up!
Communication is KEY. And, like, you gotta notice if the other parent is having a super stressfull week and accomodate for that.
Sharing responsibilities is pretty fluid, and it helps if you can tackle it as a team and communicate easily.
Even with a great nanny, babysitter, day care, or family who jump regularly, if you and your co-parent can't communicate easily, it just falls apart.
posted by jbenben at 9:14 PM on April 19, 2013
Yes, within just a few months they get A LOT better at not hurting themselves and groking what is safe. Then, the boundary testing comes into play. Fun!
I def let my 24 month old run free, exceptions are car parks (including our own) and this one window in our home that my son likes to play with and is really fragile, so we close the shutters over it and secure with a cabinet safety thingy. I'm vigilant, but once you get a routine both you and the babe know, it is easy.
I never ever ever raise my voice. Never. The one or two times I have raised my voice because toddler was toddling into danger stopped him cold. I know that it is SO EASY to get exasperated and raise your voice and say "No" a lot - but you have to quell that shit. You must consciously remember at ALL TIMES that your brand new being doesn't understand nuance, also that they will mimic you or challenge you if you give them purchase to do so. Manage yourself, and you'll easily manage them.
Instead of getting hysterical, I distract my child with a better activity. So much easier than pulling him off of the table or the stairs every five minutes with a reprimand. Seriously.
As for parent time...
My husband and I have date nights. Since my husband did not want to do sleep training, and my son likes to party 'til the break-a-break-dawn, I go off duty at about 9:30 most nights. And that is that.
Once a week I go to acupuncture in the early morning. After 9 most nights I go to the gym.
I've encouraged my husband to do similar, and he does, in his own way.
The park closest to our house is really really safe. Before this stage, we went to more museums, gardens, zoos, the aquarium, and the like. Now that we're in the rambunctious stage, we go to the child-safe park, and we often pack an easy but delicious lunch. We all go together. The son usually scoots around on a mini big wheels or plays with other kids, and if possible, husband and I hit a birdie around with badminton racquets, which is totally zen and fun when the wind isn't kicking up!
Communication is KEY. And, like, you gotta notice if the other parent is having a super stressfull week and accomodate for that.
Sharing responsibilities is pretty fluid, and it helps if you can tackle it as a team and communicate easily.
Even with a great nanny, babysitter, day care, or family who jump regularly, if you and your co-parent can't communicate easily, it just falls apart.
posted by jbenben at 9:14 PM on April 19, 2013
Our LO is 23mos; I agree with the comments about being ruthless with naptimes and bedtimes - mine now will babble to himself for 45mins before going to sleep, but bedtime is bedtime, and "quiet time" in the crib is good for him too.
But what I really came in to say is, are you able to work a non-traditional work schedule? My hubby and I both work a 4/40 schedule; I take Mondays off and he takes Fridays off, while LO goes to daycare 5 days a week. The truth is I am on duty with my LO fulltime on the weekends, so Monday is my one day off a week (and I'm still cooking/cleaning/doing errands, etc). It's a really nice privilege to have that schedule, maybe you could arrange something similar.
posted by vignettist at 9:29 PM on April 19, 2013
But what I really came in to say is, are you able to work a non-traditional work schedule? My hubby and I both work a 4/40 schedule; I take Mondays off and he takes Fridays off, while LO goes to daycare 5 days a week. The truth is I am on duty with my LO fulltime on the weekends, so Monday is my one day off a week (and I'm still cooking/cleaning/doing errands, etc). It's a really nice privilege to have that schedule, maybe you could arrange something similar.
posted by vignettist at 9:29 PM on April 19, 2013
I'm also not sure if your question is how to get alone time, or how to avoid places with children, so I will answer the former.
Shortly after our daughter was born, I realized that I (mom) had spent the entire weekend with her, while my husband had puttered around the yard and garage. In other words, my life was completely different, while his went on exactly the same as it was before baby. From that moment on, I put us all on a schedule. Certain weeknights, I was primary caregiver. Other weeknights, he was. We each took a weekend day. This gave us both alone time without the other resenting their freedom. Worked really well for about 6-7 years, until eventually we just didn't need that structure anymore. And the bonus was a much closer daddy-daughter relationship than I think would have happened otherwise. Also, I did not lose my mind that first year or two.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 6:14 AM on April 20, 2013
Shortly after our daughter was born, I realized that I (mom) had spent the entire weekend with her, while my husband had puttered around the yard and garage. In other words, my life was completely different, while his went on exactly the same as it was before baby. From that moment on, I put us all on a schedule. Certain weeknights, I was primary caregiver. Other weeknights, he was. We each took a weekend day. This gave us both alone time without the other resenting their freedom. Worked really well for about 6-7 years, until eventually we just didn't need that structure anymore. And the bonus was a much closer daddy-daughter relationship than I think would have happened otherwise. Also, I did not lose my mind that first year or two.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 6:14 AM on April 20, 2013
Many good answers above, and I'll agree with benign neglect as being one of my sanity savers.
Other things we did included a tradition my husband and daughter still maintain nine years on - letting me have Saturday mornings to sleep in or putter while they go to the park and bring back coffee and a newspaper which we enjoy together, and the kid gets to watch a movie. Now they also do movie nights out together every so often; and she and I always try to have dinner out on Friday evenings, take a long walk and then come home to watch a movie together. The trick is to be mindful of using the free time we get in a really satisfying way.
Walking the dog was good "me" time too - for either of us. You can have an imaginary dog, if you don't have a four-legged one. It's anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes of just getting out and clearing your head, and fresh air - especially if it's been a day when you've been cooped up. Sometimes I would just get in the car and drive up the highway (the DVP in Toronto) and back down it, listening to music with the window open. In winter.
We each got to pick a night during the week that would always be free so that we could make plans with a friend or get out for whatever we wanted. Mine is Thursday. I can always say "Yes!" to anything on a Thursday night, knowing I don't have to worry about getting a sitter.
I did use a "Mother's Helper" for a while. I worked at a little store and my daughter came with me, from 8 months until 5 years old. Once she started walking a lot, and stopped napping so much, I hired a thirteen year old to come over after school and take her to the park nearby for an hour or so. I used this time to accomplish major tasks, which meant I could be flexible the rest of the time.
There are a lot of tips and tricks, but finding out what works for your unique family is key. I am also a big fan of Mommy Mantras, and the "Surrender to the Goat" one, at that age, helped me get through every day. To relax when I was with my daughter, I'd try to just take things in stride a little better by letting go of what I thought I should be doing in favour of whatever was working at the moment. That was hard for me - a lot of my stress when my daughter was that age was about me trying to escape the moment, so if you're of a similar temperament, I wish you luck and empathy.
posted by peagood at 10:25 AM on April 21, 2013
Other things we did included a tradition my husband and daughter still maintain nine years on - letting me have Saturday mornings to sleep in or putter while they go to the park and bring back coffee and a newspaper which we enjoy together, and the kid gets to watch a movie. Now they also do movie nights out together every so often; and she and I always try to have dinner out on Friday evenings, take a long walk and then come home to watch a movie together. The trick is to be mindful of using the free time we get in a really satisfying way.
Walking the dog was good "me" time too - for either of us. You can have an imaginary dog, if you don't have a four-legged one. It's anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes of just getting out and clearing your head, and fresh air - especially if it's been a day when you've been cooped up. Sometimes I would just get in the car and drive up the highway (the DVP in Toronto) and back down it, listening to music with the window open. In winter.
We each got to pick a night during the week that would always be free so that we could make plans with a friend or get out for whatever we wanted. Mine is Thursday. I can always say "Yes!" to anything on a Thursday night, knowing I don't have to worry about getting a sitter.
I did use a "Mother's Helper" for a while. I worked at a little store and my daughter came with me, from 8 months until 5 years old. Once she started walking a lot, and stopped napping so much, I hired a thirteen year old to come over after school and take her to the park nearby for an hour or so. I used this time to accomplish major tasks, which meant I could be flexible the rest of the time.
There are a lot of tips and tricks, but finding out what works for your unique family is key. I am also a big fan of Mommy Mantras, and the "Surrender to the Goat" one, at that age, helped me get through every day. To relax when I was with my daughter, I'd try to just take things in stride a little better by letting go of what I thought I should be doing in favour of whatever was working at the moment. That was hard for me - a lot of my stress when my daughter was that age was about me trying to escape the moment, so if you're of a similar temperament, I wish you luck and empathy.
posted by peagood at 10:25 AM on April 21, 2013
I'm also not sure if your question is how to get alone time
It's a sort of how do share the load equally, how do you creates spaces for each other to relax sort of question.
Hope thats a bit clearer.
I've not had time to read all the answers as we have been on a small farm/deathtrap for 2 weeks, so we are recovering from that. (do not take your child to a farm with relaxation as a goal).
posted by sgt.serenity at 3:30 PM on April 28, 2013
It's a sort of how do share the load equally, how do you creates spaces for each other to relax sort of question.
Hope thats a bit clearer.
I've not had time to read all the answers as we have been on a small farm/deathtrap for 2 weeks, so we are recovering from that. (do not take your child to a farm with relaxation as a goal).
posted by sgt.serenity at 3:30 PM on April 28, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Andrhia at 12:25 PM on April 19, 2013