How can I reconcile acceptance with this new opportunity?
March 23, 2013 1:47 PM Subscribe
For argument's sake and to avoid a lot of unnecessary technical details, let's just say that I had my left foot amputated. This is an elaborate metaphor so please don't call me out on the specifics of amputation/prosthetics/abilities/limitations/etc.
I've adapted pretty well to the amputation. I can get around almost as well as the average person, and though I had to give up some of my favorite activities, I've found other activities that jibe better with my abilities now. Most people just looking at me wouldn't know that I'm missing my left foot because I wear shoes and clothing that conceal it. It's taboo in my culture for the prothesis to be seen by anyone except close friends and family so I plan to go through life never wearing sandals/shorts again. I liked wearing sandals and shorts in the past, but I'm not overly heartbroken about missing out on it now. I occasionally have some small health issues related to the prosthesis, and they can be painful, but they aren't life threatening and are very treatable. Just nuisances.
Overall, I have learned to accept what happened to me and to be grateful that the only lasting ill effect of my accident was the amputation. Although I know that many people in my society think it is horrible for a young woman to be an amputee, I know I can still have a full life and that fighting to keep my foot could have cost me my life instead.
An option has become available to me to undergo several complicated procedures which would give me my foot back. It would not be as good as new but I could probably go back to my old favorite activities. I could probably wear sandals and shorts again. I wouldn't need a prosthesis anymore and I wouldn't suffer those nagging nuisance issues. Strangers could see my foot and wouldn't suspect that I had ever had a serious injury.
There is no financial downside to going through with these procedures -- they're 100% paid for already.
There is a roughly 5% risk that the procedures will fail and I will end up back where I started (no left foot), and my health may be compromised as a result of the stress. In addition, if the procedures fail, it will be very painful. If I fall into the 5% population for whom these procedures don't work, I can expect to spend roughly a year with severely impacted quality of life, before hopefully returning to my current state. I do not have the option of waiting for the procedures to be perfected or making my decision later in life; I must go forward with the procedures within the next few months or lose the opportunity forever.
I was raised to be conservative with my health. On the one hand, I see these procedures as an amazing opportunity to reclaim what I've lost and to return to the life that I once assumed would be mine -- walking barefoot on the beach, playing soccer, etc. My family seems to take it as a given that I would go through with this because the chance to "be whole again" is so unbelievable, and being an amputee is so unfortunate (in their eyes). On the other hand, my life is OK now -- if this option were never on the table, I believe I could still find happiness and achieve my goals, even if I've had to abandon some of the things I wanted to do that are now physically impossible.
In order to find acceptance and happiness I've had to make the personal decision that being an amputee is not terrible and that the life I have without my foot is equal to the life I had before. If that's true, I can't possibly take the risk of going through these procedures... can I? How can I reconcile the acceptance that I've learned of my situation with the expectation from doctors, friends, and family that I would take any risk to go back to the old me? And how can I tell if I'm merely "settling" for the existence I have and should take this chance, or if it is truly foolish to risk my health to play IM soccer again?
I'm in therapy, but I'm impatient, and I want some food for thought before my next session.
I've adapted pretty well to the amputation. I can get around almost as well as the average person, and though I had to give up some of my favorite activities, I've found other activities that jibe better with my abilities now. Most people just looking at me wouldn't know that I'm missing my left foot because I wear shoes and clothing that conceal it. It's taboo in my culture for the prothesis to be seen by anyone except close friends and family so I plan to go through life never wearing sandals/shorts again. I liked wearing sandals and shorts in the past, but I'm not overly heartbroken about missing out on it now. I occasionally have some small health issues related to the prosthesis, and they can be painful, but they aren't life threatening and are very treatable. Just nuisances.
Overall, I have learned to accept what happened to me and to be grateful that the only lasting ill effect of my accident was the amputation. Although I know that many people in my society think it is horrible for a young woman to be an amputee, I know I can still have a full life and that fighting to keep my foot could have cost me my life instead.
An option has become available to me to undergo several complicated procedures which would give me my foot back. It would not be as good as new but I could probably go back to my old favorite activities. I could probably wear sandals and shorts again. I wouldn't need a prosthesis anymore and I wouldn't suffer those nagging nuisance issues. Strangers could see my foot and wouldn't suspect that I had ever had a serious injury.
There is no financial downside to going through with these procedures -- they're 100% paid for already.
There is a roughly 5% risk that the procedures will fail and I will end up back where I started (no left foot), and my health may be compromised as a result of the stress. In addition, if the procedures fail, it will be very painful. If I fall into the 5% population for whom these procedures don't work, I can expect to spend roughly a year with severely impacted quality of life, before hopefully returning to my current state. I do not have the option of waiting for the procedures to be perfected or making my decision later in life; I must go forward with the procedures within the next few months or lose the opportunity forever.
I was raised to be conservative with my health. On the one hand, I see these procedures as an amazing opportunity to reclaim what I've lost and to return to the life that I once assumed would be mine -- walking barefoot on the beach, playing soccer, etc. My family seems to take it as a given that I would go through with this because the chance to "be whole again" is so unbelievable, and being an amputee is so unfortunate (in their eyes). On the other hand, my life is OK now -- if this option were never on the table, I believe I could still find happiness and achieve my goals, even if I've had to abandon some of the things I wanted to do that are now physically impossible.
In order to find acceptance and happiness I've had to make the personal decision that being an amputee is not terrible and that the life I have without my foot is equal to the life I had before. If that's true, I can't possibly take the risk of going through these procedures... can I? How can I reconcile the acceptance that I've learned of my situation with the expectation from doctors, friends, and family that I would take any risk to go back to the old me? And how can I tell if I'm merely "settling" for the existence I have and should take this chance, or if it is truly foolish to risk my health to play IM soccer again?
I'm in therapy, but I'm impatient, and I want some food for thought before my next session.
This post was deleted for the following reason: This is kind of impossible to answer using the metaphor. It would need more specifics for people to really help. -- mathowie
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