I am a total failure and am useless.
November 3, 2012 4:18 PM   Subscribe

Why am I such a failure?

I am happily married (that is that I love my husband and am truly happy when I am with him), but my husband has been transferred across the country and since the housing market is what it is, I'm stuck here. I live in a town where I know no one. I have my college-aged son living here and a family member with dementia, whom I am solely responsible for lives here too, so even if I could sell my house (which is unlikely since I need to work on it), I couldn't possibly move to the other side of the country.

I cannot work due to an injury and I have gained weight because of it too. I don't want to do housework anymore and I wouldn't mind yard work if it wasn't that the heat is unbearable in summer.

I got married young (ex-spouse) and had a horrible marriage. My ex slept around, my father pretty much abandoned me, my mother has mental issues and I have no siblings at all. Point is, there is no one I can talk to.

Most days, I feel completely alone. I tried different hobbies, but they all end up set aside after I have sunk a lot of money into them (scrapbooking, knitting, crocheting, etc).

All I want to do now is sit at my computer or watch TV. I've gotten to where I'm neglecting my dementia family member too (nothing horrible, but giving meds an hour late or whatever). I feel very guilty for the way that I am. I stay up late doing nothing at all and sleep most of the day.

I am miserable. I have thought about counseling but the truth is that I would be so lazy that I wouldn't go. I really want to change, but I just can't.

In the end, I feel like a failure and am completely useless. No job, no life, no nothing.

I need to make a change, but I just don't know where to start.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (19 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
I need to make a change, but I just don't know where to start.

My take is that it's time to find a good therapist, as professional help sounds like it could do a world of good here: you have a pretty solid understanding of what's up, but now you need some guidance in unraveling those issues.
posted by ellF at 4:23 PM on November 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


I would second a therapist. Not because there is anything wrong with you, but because it's a relationship that will be kind and supportive, and with whom you can work things out in a good direction and not feel so alone. Some of what you are dealing with does sounds like it might be depression, but not necessarily. It might be a good thing to talk through someone with, though, just in case.
posted by SpacemanStix at 4:27 PM on November 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


Have you spoken to your husband about this? The separation is not working for you (singular) and you (plural) need to work as a team to tackle the challenge together. Although professional, therapeutic help is also going to help a lot, I think the first step is working together to brainstorm ideas.
posted by saucysault at 4:44 PM on November 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


You're burnt out and you need support. A counsellor can help you first off and up your contact with your husband. Go for walks and be active in the outdoors. Possibly consider attending support groups for people who are caregivers.
posted by heyjude at 4:56 PM on November 3, 2012


I would like to recommend that you call social services on yourself and decide if you are really taking care of your dementia-ridden relative well enough to merit having them in the house and not in a home, which could be provided with money from state and federal funds supplemented by pensions, Medicaid, and other resources.

I would also to recommend that you take ten days to get out of the house and go to a place where you will not have any access to the internet or television, like a Dhamma.org meditation retreat with all you can eat food and a no-writing-in-the-evening policy. Of course, I took up smoking again when I came back from my first retreat so your mileage may vary.

Then, rent out your house. Let your son manage the property. You can always find a property manager (if you are near Berkeley, CA please message me directly) and hang that over your son's head until he gets it together that he could get a management fee for collecting rent every month and making sure your house does not become a nuisance property. It's a career-builder.

After that, you are free to go anywhere you want. It's winter, so I recommend that you go to Mexico and then settle somewhere with very mild winters, like a greenhouse in your husband's new town.
posted by parmanparman at 4:57 PM on November 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


I think you should find a way to move -- AirBNB your house and move somewhere cheap near your husband? It's very important.
posted by 3491again at 5:13 PM on November 3, 2012


This really reads like you are depressed.

"I am a total failure and am useless" is clearly not true, even to a stranger on the internet (you're a mom and a beloved wife! you take care of a relative with dementia! you're crafty and you can knit! etc), and the fact that you are thinking that about yourself is like a flashing red light saying "I need psychiatric help!"

Please seek help - if you feel you cannot handle a counselor, start with your primary care doctor, but please talk to someone who can help you get the help you need so you can start feeling better.

By the way, look into respite care for your relative with dementia to help give you time to get started with changing your life.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 5:20 PM on November 3, 2012 [5 favorites]


Sounds like you are experiencing a textbook major depressive episode

Depression is a very confusing thing, and there's a lot of information about it – some helpful, some unhelpful; some relevant, some irrelevant. From what I understand, the key feeling surrounding depression is a general sense that it's not going to get better, and a general lack of resilience. Perhaps a feeling of being trapped, or being in a hole with no obvious way out.

There's a lot going on in your life it sounds like. The first thing that I flagged was the family member with dementia. Care-taking someone with dementia is a draining experience. It is a thankless job that is amongst the most difficult level of stress imaginable.

There's so much that could be said in terms of supportive solutions, but if you are experiencing a major depressive episode, you may not be open to listening to it at the moment. More likely, today seems bleak, and tomorrow seems bleak.

So what can be done? The first thing is to change your self-talk. Shift it from "I am depressed" to "There is depression present". Or from "Why am I such a failure" to "There is failure present".

Also, stop taking ownership and responsibility for all of it. You are not a failure. You have a good marriage, a son you care for, another family member you care for, and most importantly, you care about yourself enough to try things, and also to ask for help. You may have lost yourself a bit for the moment, but you're still there. You are still intact and capable of feeling better.

Professional help would be ideal. If not professional help, self-help. "Feeling Good" by David Burns is a good start and CBT may well be a good start in changing your thinking and perspectives on the situation.

You're not a failure. Life is messy. Things happen. There are always going to be problems. There is always going to be stress. Our lives are shaped by how we respond to them. You sound overwhelmed, that you are expecting yourself to deliver things for other people beyond what you can do. It's okay not to save the world. It's okay to admit your limitations. It's actually very good.

It's okay to let the past go. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and need to take time out for yourself. I don't know what the solutions are – but there are solutions. You can feel better. You don't have to feel guilty. You sound like a loving person who is doing so much for other people. Right now, you may need to take some time and do some things for yourself.

It can get better. It can get better really quickly. Or it may take some time. But you're not as alone as you feel. Please be gentle on yourself. Maybe have a good cry and just accept that you're overwhelmed. Allow the situation to be what it is – difficult. Let the cracks show. Be authentic about where you, both to others and more importantly to yourself.

It's okay. Everything is okay. All of your feelings and where you are today is all okay. It may not be great, it may be difficult, but it's okay. You are okay. It's okay to be how you are.

Good luck. You're not as lost as you may think. You are certainly not as alone as you may feel. The sooner you start reaching out for professional help, or support from people that care, the sooner you'll beat this thing.
posted by nickrussell at 5:38 PM on November 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


Chiming in to suggest contacting the local Alzheimer's Foundation office to see if there is respite care available in your area. It's exhausting mentally, emotionally, and physically to care for someone with dementia. You need to take of yourself in order to take care of a loved one with dementia. Respite care is one way of doing that.
You are a loving human being - that makes you far from a failure in my eyes. Please take of, and love, yourself.
posted by dbmcd at 6:01 PM on November 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think the Flylady could help you a lot.
posted by Duffington at 6:03 PM on November 3, 2012


It's not my nature to play Barbie Psychiatrist, but this screams depressive episode to me. Please, please see your doctor and get a referral to mental health professional.

Depression is real and you don't snap out of it or willpower yourself out of it. Get someone to help you find the path.
posted by 26.2 at 6:07 PM on November 3, 2012


I came in here to recommend Flylady too. She is awesome! You can start tonight! Shine your sink and go to bed. You can start taking care of yourself one baby step at a time. It is absolutely free and if I can do it anyone can do it.
posted by selfmedicating at 7:23 PM on November 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


That voice that's telling you that you are a total failure and useless? That voice is a liar. That is the voice of depression, and it is insidious and very convincing. But it lies. You are not a failure or useless. If you have the resources, seek therapy. If you have medical insurance that doesn't cover therapy, see your PCP. You can silence that lying voice, then you will be surprised at what you can accomplish. Please memail me if you want to talk about it. I kicked that voice's ass right out of my life.
posted by kamikazegopher at 7:37 PM on November 3, 2012 [3 favorites]


In the end, I feel like a failure and am completely useless. No job, no life, no nothing.

Oh man. I am a person in my 20's with a job, a social life, hobbies, etc. I am seriously fucking impressed by you and what you get done in life. You are doing things that I would find intimidating, overwhelming, and terrifying - being the sole caretaker of a person with dementia, and a college-aged boy. You're responsible for another human being's health, safety, and LIFE. Just the thought of that makes me feel stressed out. My minor responsibilities - job, bills, taking care of my dog, staying relatively healthy - stress me out all the time and yet they are tiddlywinks compared to what you are doing. That's not even to mention parenting your son, which I can't even imagine doing. The thought of having a baby and caring for it is extremely overwhelming to me, not to mention a college boy. My family is finally now at the tail end of my brother's teenage and college years, and I cannot IMAGINE the stress of parenting him. Even just hearing about his shannanagins and problems from my vantage point thousands of miles away was stressful.

Pardon my french, but you get some serious shit done, my friend. You achieve things that would strongly intimidate a lot of other people, like me for example. I just wanted to give you a window into another human being's perspective on your situation, because I assure you that not all perspectives your situation are the same as your own.
posted by cairdeas at 9:17 PM on November 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


I don't see anything in your description that sounds like you are a failure. IANAD, but you sound classically depressed. Sometimes it just takes falling into a rut, then inertia takes over and you go deeper and deeper into it. Being away from the person you love is hard. Being a caregiver for someone with dementia is hard. And BTW, what would that person do without you? You are not a failure to them - even if they can't say it, you're their whole world. You've raised a child (I agree with cairdeas - that is crazy hard). At least two lives have depended on you, and you have a husband that loves you. Just by virtue of having raised a child and taking care of another person, you are a productive member of society, more productive than many of us.

If you feel like you could be doing more but don't have the energy for a job, might you consider volunteering for something or getting involved in a hobby that, and this is key, gets you out of the house? Is that an option in your situation? A book club? A chorus? Animal shelter? Knitting circle? Anything with a schedule that will get you out of the house and get you looking forward to using your brain or your body and meeting people face to face would be a step i the right direction.

I easily sink into the stay-at-home-and-feel-useless inertia trap. I need a reason to get out of bed and out of the house, and I need people who will miss me and call me if I don't. Do the easiest thing you can to start, even if it's just going to the library or the coffee shop to see if they have any events you can go to - even if it's just to look at the bulletin boards.

And please do get help if you can. You will be shocked at how much therapy and medication can help you. You are NOT a failure. Many of us have been there. Good luck.
posted by walla at 9:49 PM on November 3, 2012


My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you're juggling a lot—just one of these burdens would be enough to stress out a not-very-stressed person.

What I can tell you: It is okay to feel overwhelmed. It is okay for you to bring your B game right now. It is also okay to ask for help. Please, please do so, for the sake of yourself and everyone around you. I think you'll be amazed by how much better of a caretaker you are for your parent and your son and your marriage once you're honed in on what you need to do to take care of yourself.
posted by mynameisluka at 9:52 PM on November 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Reading your letter made me wish I could hug you, then make you a cup of tea and sit with you for a while.

It sounds to me, too, like you're burnt out and depressed. I also notice that you're doing a lot of caretaking after you yourself were injured, and there doesn't seem to be anyone in your life nearby who is taking care of you.

I am curious about whether your relationship with your husband is helpful, nourishing. Can you lean on him for support even though he's far away? Or is your marriage shaky and this is making you feel even more at a loss?

I wish there were a way for anyone else to bear the burden for you, to make the changes you need on your behalf, but I think you are going to need to do some of it. If your husband is a help, ask him to do some of the practical aspects (calls, conversations) of the following. If not, you can do it. One call, one conversation at a time.

There are lots of suggestions up thread for routes to finding respite care for the relative living with you, so you can dig out a bit. It might take a while to arrange. you dont need to do it all at once. You dont need to be ashamed of asking for help, or that your house is messy, or you give meds an hour late. Respite services exist precisely because people get overwhelmed, and i am sure theyve seen people in much worse corcumstances than you. Make one phone call every day. Reach out and let people help you.

Also, your son is an adult, if he's in college... I urge you to think carefully about how that dynamic plays out in your house, and make changes if needed. Does he contribute an adult's share of the effort in the house? Does he cook, clean, grocery shop? Or are you still mothering him, taking care of his needs, while he's sliding by playing video games when he's not in class? I know it can be really hard to get a young adult to step up if that hasn't been how your family has worked thus far. But you are in crisis and he needs to help relieve the pressure somewhat too. Ask your husband to help with this also. Tell your son that he needs to pitch in. Every day give him one specific task to do that will take the load off you a bit. Take out the trash. Wash the dishes. Buy these groceries.

And please, find opportunities to have people do for you. If therapy sounds like too big of a commitment, do something less intimidating where someone can just...take care of you. Get a nice haircut. Get your nails done (or toenails. Leg massage!) Just a little experience so you can practice receiving, you can practice affirmatively letting other people take care of you.

Get out to someplace beautiful if you can. Outdoors with the beautiful leaves. Indoors with beautiful art or architecture. Practice receiving beauty and let yourself get filled up that way. Go to a lovely church, even if you're not a believer--it's ok.

Be gentle with yourself. You are lovely, and loving, and human, and it's totally ok to be overwhelmed sometimes. Again, a hug from me.
posted by Sublimity at 6:28 AM on November 4, 2012 [2 favorites]


Along with what others have recommended try to get some exercise. Go for a walk first thing in the morning before it gets hot. Just walk. Try to build up to 45-60 minutes every day. If your injury makes this difficult, try swimming, join a local pool. Are you seeing a physical therapist for your injury? They can recommend appropriate exercise. Wean yourself from television and get books from the library instead. I'm fond of taking a good book and going somewhere else. I sit in my car in a park or by the ocean and read, especially when the weather is nasty. Find reasons to get out of the house.

And another hug from me.
posted by mareli at 10:33 AM on November 4, 2012


I posted something remotely similar recently and a mefite referred me to wellspouse.org/ It's been a real help!
posted by michellenoel at 12:27 PM on November 5, 2012


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