I'm an intelligent 20 year old University student with good-ish grades and overall, I get all the important stuff done. However, I have such frequent periods of lazy and unmotivated lack of productivity that I feel tremendous guilt for on a daily basis--Should I feel guilty? Is this common / normal?
posted by rhythm_queen to human relations (16 answers total) 36 users marked this as a favorite
All my life I have been deemed very lazy and unproductive. My grandpa for example, would always tell me how lazy, stupid, wasteful I am being because I wouldn't go above and beyond my school responsibilities. I'd only ever barely reach them. I've *always* had to be forced to do my homework, and while I loved reading and would gobble down many books daily, I detested sitting down and having to work. Although I always understood the material quickly and would end up doing pretty well, it was NEVER at the level of the brilliance I think I'm capable of. This is somewhat true today, as well. I did horribly in elementary school. Moving to Canada in the 3rd grade was hard on me, but I remember making my mother cry regularly in fourth and fifth grade because I wouldn't do my homework and I'd lie all the time about having studied. I'm still pretty guilty about that.
In high school, I battled drug addiction and it was hard--extremely hard--to focus on school. I ended up scraping by high school with good enough grades to get into a decent University but for a program I wasn't all that interested to get into. (Business Management- BComm in Marketing) All my high school teachers knew me as the irresponsible, eternally high, likeable yet completely lazy student who would probably drop out of University.
That was almost true, but I finally kicked the drug habit after my first semester at University. It's been 2 years, and I've been completely drug-free, cold turkey. My University counselor helped me, and to this day she is so incredibly proud of me! She tells me all the time how bright I am, and can see the physical, mental, emotional, motor changes I've made. It's awesome to know she thinks I'm doing well.
But I don't feel I'm doing well. I don't study for exams until a few days before (if even that much! I probably do the night before). I end up scraping by with an A or a B+ anyway because I can grasp the material well, but it sucks knowing just how well I could've done had I studied more! And also, it is INCREDIBLY stressful having to study like that, under so much pressure.
Other than my disgusting aversion to studying, I really don't know how best to study! I pay all of my attention in my lectures, asking questions, participating avidly in discussions and taking notes. But it's important to review, isn't it? I guess part of it is that I really don't know HOW to study, but I guess I haven't made much of an effort to improve my technique, either =/ I also want to mention that I don't have my driving license partially because I'm SO averse to studying for it ;x we have a car at home and I could've got the license 4 years ago! But I just...haven't. I feel so stupid.
I will spend Monday-Friday at my University paying attention in class, doing some readings, doing my online homework, and generally keeping pretty busy. When I come home from my 2 hour commute, I'm exhausted and don't study at all. And on the weekends, I DO NOTHING SCHOOL RELATED. I mean, I do not even TOUCH the books! That can't be good, can it? I don't study, read, nothing. I just crash, both emotionally and physically, spending time on the internet and fucking around. It's so awful ;x
We just had a week break to study, and I did nothing all week--well, that's not true. My grandpa broke his hip on Tuesday and I had to be at the hospital to help the rest of the weekdays--but I could've studied at the hospital or at home on the weekend. I just didnt. I just sat around, did a tiny bit of housework and watched TV. I bet all my classmates studied their butts off.
Another problem with my studying and terrible aversion to it is that I am almost hopelessly depressingly messy and disorganized, and ALWAYS have been. My mother and grandmother on her side are so painstakingly organized and neat at all times! I'm a disgrace to the whole family, I swear. I'm so messy and I am not at ALL organized with my books/notes. The reason I'm doing so much better in my academics now is partially because everything is online and easily replaceable--I used to lose my physical copies of assignments all the time. It's much better for me to do the assignments online.
I guess I want to know if this CRASHING is normal. I've done it like this all my life, VERY HIGH levels of energetic working to VERY LOW levels of doing NOTHING. All week I'll be productive, and any break I get, I'll crash.
I also should mention that though this degree is NOT really up my alley, I love my University, my professors, and my major (Marketing). Some of this stuff is gutwrenchingly boring, but a lot of it is interesting!...at least, when the Prof explains it. At home? I don't want to have a thing to do with it.
This just makes me feel so guilty. It makes me not have enough time to exercise or cultivate my talents and hobbies. Doing the BARE MINIMUM/ rushed effort for almost EVERYTHING in my life is starting to make me feel incredibly stupid. My counselor is so thrilled in the changes she says she sees in me, and tells me that my OVERALL direction and progression in life is great. She does not seem worried. In a way, I get her--my assignments are never late, I work decently well in groups, and I've grown a lot as a person... But I'm tired of being this way...Is this normal? Should I feel this horribly guilty?
I will see my counselor about this specific issue. :) But just wanting your opinion! Thanks