My husband is making fetish videos of himself, and I'm not sure what to do about it (if anything)
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
I'm a bit freaked out from my discovery over the weekend of a self-recorded video of my husband on one of our computers. I see this little thumbnail of a black and white shot of my DH sitting in a chair, and he looks like he's naked and grabbing himself.
I thought I was seeing things, but I clicked on the file and watched the video. He's in the chair in his office, naked and wanking. The video concludes when he comes - it sprays on his chest, and he leans forward as if to show the camera that this was definitely real. Then he switches off the recorder.
I'm wondering who he made this for. He never told me about it (obviously). I'm pretty sure this wouldn't be meant for posting on the internet though. DH is hypervigilant about these things, freaking out if I post anything online that he thinks might be traceable to me, so I don't think he's planning on putting this out there - especially since his face is in the frame.
I need to talk to him of course, but I'm putting it off because the thought of confronting him about it makes me feel dizzy.
DH and I have been married for about ten years. I love him and always have, and if this incident changes anything, it won't change that. We have moments of irritation and boredom, like any couple would after a longish time together. What has always grieved me though is a feeling that we were incompatible sexually. He's always been into body piercing, for instance, and his genital piercings put me off oral sex. That's been a pretty much permanent thing. Even when he takes the jewelry out, the wounds are still there- it makes me feel queasy.
DH has mentioned doing things in the past that wouldn't have occurred to me, but he always presented them as mistakes, or things he wandered into, and would never do again. He used to go to a nude beach in another state, and was propositioned by men. We always laughed about it. He also told me about being photographed by a guy who asked him to jerk off. DH said he just got out of there fast, but now I'm wondering if he actually did that. And maybe that experience was just the tip of the iceberg.
Another thing that complicates this - my guilt around our subpar sex life. I've had crushes on other guys - my romantic life seems to be taking place on a plane other than my marriage, although I don't actually have physical affairs with the men I become obsessed with. I feel terrible guilt about this, and I've been unable to talk about it with DH to date.
DH has also had crushes, but nothing serious as far as I know. He lost a lot of weight recently (looks great btw) and doesn't drink anymore, but when he was drinking he would get a little out of hand at parties, making out with random women. Once he got thrown out of a concert for exposing himself and trying to get another woman to suck him off. But he only did that because he was drunk. He told me about these incidents, in tears, and said he would stop. Stopping drinking helped too. As far as I know, hasn't repeated this kind of thing.
In bed, I know he wants more from me than I ever give him. We usually have sex, though, pretty regularly. I've asked him if he would be happier with someone less vanilla, but he always says he's happy with me. Lately his desire seems to have fallen off, though. I'm relieved by this, because I don't really enjoy sex with DH (this is awfully difficult, almost devastating to admit). But now of course I'm wondering if he's found another outlet. If this video is part of a pattern or another relationship, it looks like I may have found part of the answer.
I imagine a couple ways he could respond if I bring this up: he might be utterly cool about it, just, "Oh, I just wanted to see if I could make one of those. I didn't send it to anyone, it's just for me." Or whatever. Or he might fall apart and start sobbing and confess he's in a serious affair with another woman - or man. Or maybe he's not gay, but enjoys doing these explicit performances for men. Or some combination of these.
If it's an affair, that's my business because we're married. If it isn't - how much input do I have in this? I mean it makes me feel pretty yucky to imagine that he's over there in his office on Saturday mornings making masturbation videos, but if that's all it is - how can I really object? I feel that since we have a blah marriage sexually, he deserves some outlet. I don't want to be his jailer.
Except that - it does involve me. This is all about me and my identity as his wife and what our marriage really is. Even before I discovered the video, I've wondered if DH might be a classic exhibitionist. We laughed together about the time a guy showed himself to me when I was reading in the park outside our apartments. Now I'm wondering if I'm married to that guy! I don't want to be married to THAT guy!
I'm just bewildered about all of this - any input would be welcome.