Why am I always uncomfortable around people? What the hell is wrong with me, mentally? *Warning* LONG LONG LONG READ, but probably interesting?*
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
There is not a single person with whom I'm 100% comfortable with. Even with my parents and older brothers and sisters, I sometimes feel awkward and uncomfortable around them (not to the point of unpleasantness, as it's a spectrum of uncomfortableness).
I'm just going to bullet-point some key things to hopefully help you guys figure out how the fuck my mind operates:
- I'm not easily excitable; very few things make me go OMG or even a slight bit aroused (not in the sexual way)
- I'm highly self conscious and take criticism VERY poorly; it hurts and spikes my anxiety
- I'm highly inhibited around people I don't know too well
- I am ridiculously poor at articulating my thoughts into coherent sentences
- Whenever I speak, it's not engaging at all and I see people lose interest in what I say within seconds (i.e. eye contact goes away and they focus on other things)
- People often cut me off when I speak because I'll have intermittent gaps (this relates to my trouble with articulating thoughts into speech)
- Most things that people talk about I genuinely do not care about, unless what they're talking about is related to me or impacts me somehow (e.g., I don't care where you went for vacation or anything.. it just doesn't excite me at all, etc)
- I'm pessimistic and complain a lot (not vocally, most of the time, because I know people hate debbie downers/complainers)
- Conversations with me can get quite awkward but not all of them do; I find that most people who don't know me very well have a lot of trouble knowing what to say to me
- I have a great deal of difficulty concentrating on things that don't interest me; as a result, I procrastinated a lot in college and just got tested for ADD last week but it was a negative
- I've taken SSRIs for depression/anxiety but they didn't do anything for me so I stopped taking them
- Back in college, whenever I partied and got drunk, all my anxieties and inhibitions went away.. I felt free and alive and could talk to anyone successfully.. now that I've been working a couple years and don't know many people very well, when I am drunk, I actually am still anxious and almost the same person.. it's so fucking weird
The crux of my issue is that I feel uncomfortable all the time. As a result, I'm inhibited in my mannerisms around everyone, I'm boring, lack an interesting personality, and am so bad at forming new relationships. I'm sexually inexperienced compared to my peers. I'm so scared of getting rejected by people so I always reject them first, somehow. I've never had a significant other despite being 25 and the longest I've dated a girl was a month or so.
I'm pretty sure I have social anxiety, or maybe even avoidant personality disorder. Dysthymia is a possibility as well. I WANT so bad to be interested in people. I WANT to have deep, meaningful relationships with people.
I can't remember the last time I woke up and was like 'I'm gonna conquer this day!' Everyday is just like okay I'm gonna wake up and go to work and just get through the day. That being said, I'm never sad, really. Everything is just neutral.
I'm in my mid-20s and have an amazing job that pays very, very well so I make an above-average income for my peer group. Despite my social shortcomings, I went to a top school and landed a top job and got decent grades in college (not stellar). I'm also very tall for my ethnicity (Indian) and can objectively say I am considered very attractive. I know most of you will probably think I'm being vain or narcissistic, but it's honestly true. All the successes I've had with women were a result of their approaching me. I frequently get drinks bought for me by girls at the bars and clubs (yes, non-Indian women as well as Indian).
As silly as this sounds, I sometimes feel like I intimidate other people, especially other non-Indian males whom I'm taller/more successful/attractive than. I dress very well and have a good sense of style.
So outwardly, I come across as the exact opposite of how I am internally. I come off as someone who looks confident and full of swagger, but it's when people start to finally get to know me that they realize something's 'off,' essentially killing any development in the relationship.
I also smoke a lot of weed at night before I go to bed and watch videos/moves/tv shows and listen to music. I find that it makes everything so much more interesting. I think I use weed as a crux to counter how uninteresting I find everything/everyone, normally.
I think my consistent weed usage may affect my anxiety, because when I go a week or two without smoking, I find that I get this amazing mental clarity, a bit of confidence, diminished anxiety, and my conversations with people are more lively and I just feel better. It's weird.. almost like a light flicks on. Then after a week or two of that feel goodness, I return to my normal boring, awkward, uninteresting self.
I'm considering therapy and medication again, but I absolutely detest the idea of having to take a pill everyday to feel 'normal.' Further, my pessimistic brain thinks that even if medication were to be successful, I'd eventually revert to my current self once I try to wean off of it (like I said, don't want to have to take medication for the rest of my life). So what's the point, almost? I'm not suicidal at all.
I don't know what to do anymore.. if I keep this up, I'll end up being single for the rest of my life and unhappy.
Can anyone relate to me?