I have started to realize that I am attracted to men who are "bad boys", men who don't have their shit together, who give off a cool vibe, but their lives are just falling apart. The relationships I develop with these men are not healthy, and usually benefit the men with complete disregard of my feelings and emotions. I also noticed that the worse they treat me the more I want to be with them. I realize that this is bad and that I should stop but I keep coming back these men. What can I do to stop this?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (29 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
The men are the complete opposite of me: disorganized, no career, generally they tend to be broke, they drink a lot / abuse drugs, are late to everything, are flakey, messy. I'm nothing like that: I don't really drink, I don't do drugs, I have a career and make a lot more money than most people my age (so I tend to pay for their food/alcohol when I am with them), I am extremely organized/clean and am never late. I take care of my health, hygiene and my life.
Here's the relationship I'm involved with now: The guy asked me out. We had a wonderful date. I guess he decided I was awesome to sleep with, but he has no interest in my personality. He then started texting me and being very mysterious on a daily basis (making me very interested in him). We started sleeping together. The more we sleep the less shit he gives about me and the more mysterious he is (which keeps me interested and on edge at all times). I crave his approval/need for me. In the mean time he is also making a ton of public comments about being single/wanting a girlfriend (which I hear when we hang out in our group of friends, and see on his Facebook - he posts a LOT about girls/wanting a girlfriend, hot chicks he sees on the streets during the day). What he will do is tell me he hates his life, and that he's depressed, but he says that he will not talk about it. So I worry and worry and he just doesn't give a shit and gets annoyed at me when I tell him I worry, as he continues to tell me about how much his life sucks. He will not compromise for me (comes over, tells me he will spend the night, then gets a text at midnight and leaves), he will not do anything special for me (except cook for me with the food that I buy and please me sexually). We also have a common hobby that brought us together in the first place, and spend time with the same people in a very tight community in our city. The other thing I want to point out is that I am miserable with him in the sense that all the interaction I need to have with him outside of us being alone together is emotionally exhausting. Having to see what he posts on Facebook can really upset me sometimes. And finally just hanging out in a group together and him not acknowledging my existence sometimes can get tiring too. But when it's just us two, alone, usually at my place, I have a great time with him. He also claims that I'm uptight, and that my life isn't as exciting as his because I have it all figured out, and I don't party enough or do enough drugs/alcohol and I won't have awesome stories to tell my kids one day.
The guy I was dating before him was similar: no career, broke, did a ton of drugs (in front of me too, and didn't care that it bothered me), drank way too much, treated me like shit (he did stuff like completely ignore me when I came over until he decided it was ok to acknowledge that I was there). I dated him (he actually called me his girlfriend) for 3 months until he ignored me for a week and then I finally ended up calling him from a different number to ask him if that was his way of breaking up with me. He was also completely inconsiderate towards me , aggressive (lashed out at me if I cleaned something the wrong way) and gave no shit about my feelings (one example: I ALWAYS had to drive over to his place because my place was "shitty" and my room "sucked", and he would say these things to my face. I drove him around and got no thank you's, I would cook and clean for him and he would never acknowledge that either). The thing is, he broke up with ME! I didn't even enjoy being with him, I complained to my friends all the time, I was MISERABLE, and yet I didn't break up with him.
I guess I could go on because I have more examples of these relationships that I get involved in. Generally there's one or two redeeming qualities about these men, usually it's that they are smart and involved in a hobby I'm interested in and are really good at it (just as an example - let's say the hobby is hockey and I just got into it, these men have been doing it and are really good at it and help me out with it).
The problem is that I'll go on dates with more well adjusted guys and they don't interest me at all. They're kind of boring and I'm not attracted to them. And I'm just so desperate to be with someone that when the guys I do find attractive (these "bad boys") show a tiny bit of interest I act crazy, I will do anything for them, and I guess that's also a big turn off (which is why I think they lose interest in me but continue on sleeping with me).
So obviously I'm aware that this is a problem and that I need to stop letting these men take advantage of me and abuse me emotionally (because sometimes I feel like that's what they're doing). So why am I finding it so hard to stop? Why am I only attracted to these men who are complete failures? I'm female and in my early 20s, and these guys all tend to be older than me.