I feel like just running around and shouting ""WHO WILL HAVE SEX WITH ME??" yeah, it's that bad.

July 1, 2012 7:46 PM

I want to have sex. WITH ANOTHER PERSON. It's been way too long and all the obvious roads to finding someone have been dead ends. Halp!

I want to have sex. WITH ANOTHER PERSON. Like, a lot. And I'm not having it at all owing to lack of partner. I'm a woman in my 40s, single, and very sex-positive. But I've been single for a while now and partners are few and far between. I'm going nuts. Especially now, since a friend that I'm very attracted to recently got involved with me over several months and then backed out (long story), leaving me more frustrated than ever. More pertinent details:

- I'm ideally looking for an actual relationship, but if that isn't forthcoming, I'd at least like to be having sex

- I'm not attracted to just anyone, and find that genuine attraction for me is fairly rare. I'm not sure I could just have sex with someone who just happens to be *willing*. I need there to be some chemistry there.

- I'm not thin, but I'm not fat, though I look younger than my age and am considered attractive. Weight and age, however, seem to rule me out of many mens' range of possibility

- online options haven't yielded much. I've tried several different sites. When I listed "casual sex" in my profile, I got the skeeviest of the skeevy guys (and men who would outline in graphic detail what they wanted to do to me in their initial correspondence, before we'd spoken one word to each other - again, I need to get to know someone first, and see if there's actual attraction there), and when I removed that, almost all responses stopped completely

- sex is important to me. I'm sexually uninhibited and healthy, and this it feels like a huge part of my life is missing, and has been for a while

- I'm fairly shy in social situations, but fine one on one and have no problem being aggressive, making the first move, etc, IF I know someone's interested

- I don't drink or do any kind of drugs, so "beer goggles" or the like won't ever be an option or a help

- I'm open to all types of men - ages (I've been with guys 10+ years older and younger), races, body types, but some semblance of intelligence is good.

- no I do not want to pay someone

I am not looking for advice on sex toys or masturbation. That's not my question. I am really missing sexual contact WITH ANOTHER PERSON and want to know how I can find that person/s.

I can't think of any way to "fix" this problem that doesn't involve just finding a stranger I have no interest in and doing it just to do it...which sounds awful. Is that my only option, or can mutual attraction be part of my life once more?

anon email: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total)

Sex club? Depending on your location, you might be interested in checking out the sex club scene. I've been curious myself for a long time, and from what others have described, the classy places are respectful and clean: Twist in San Francisco. As a single lady, I think you can go alone.
posted by pluot at 7:51 PM on July 1, 2012

Weight and age, however, seem to rule me out of many mens' range of possibility

How do you know this? I wonder if you're just projecting about this.

I mean, yes, if you just want to have sex you might have to have it with someone you're not super attracted/connected to. That's just how it works, the people that you really connect with are going to be fewer and farther between. That's what makes it so special.
posted by sweetkid at 7:53 PM on July 1, 2012

Can you tell us what you've actually tried, other than online dating? Give as much detail as possible about the men you meet (what they're like and how you meet them), how you're expressing interest to them (what signals are you giving out or getting from them, who approaches whom, etc.), and the responses you're getting. That could help us figure out if there are other things you could be doing or ways to tweak your current strategies.
posted by decathecting at 7:56 PM on July 1, 2012

Why can't you go to a bar\club with a girl friend and hit on guys? You don't need to drink to be at a bar.
posted by zephyr_words at 8:01 PM on July 1, 2012

- I'm not attracted to just anyone, and find that genuine attraction for me is fairly rare. I'm not sure I could just have sex with someone who just happens to be *willing*. I need there to be some chemistry there.

It seems like you might be limiting yourself a bit here. I'm not suggesting that you sleep with ANYONE, but try opening yourself up to people who are not immediately attractive to you, ESPECIALLY if you aren't set on sex equalling relationships. Some people may surprise you in bed!
posted by two lights above the sea at 8:06 PM on July 1, 2012

Also, flirt with people! Ask strange men out for coffee! Join clubs, go to city council meetings, try online dating but WITHOUT the casual sex stuff in your profile!
posted by two lights above the sea at 8:08 PM on July 1, 2012

Are you at all kinky or kink-curious? You could try Fetlife, but that still has their creepazoids.
posted by divabat at 8:19 PM on July 1, 2012

online options haven't yielded much. I've tried several different sites. When I listed "casual sex" in my profile, I got the skeeviest of the skeevy guys (and men who would outline in graphic detail what they wanted to do to me in their initial correspondence, before we'd spoken one word to each other - again, I need to get to know someone first, and see if there's actual attraction there), and when I removed that, almost all responses stopped completely

Keep trying online dating. Don't list "casual sex." Send messages.
posted by John Cohen at 8:35 PM on July 1, 2012

- I'm fairly shy in social situations, but fine one on one and have no problem being aggressive, making the first move, etc, IF I know someone's interested

- I don't drink or do any kind of drugs, so "beer goggles" or the like won't ever be an option or a help

This is is 100% me, too. I don't drink and have been historically shy. Really what I suggest to you is this: find people you like, talk to them. Let them know you're interested. You'd be surprised at how much you will get when you find people to be friends with who will also want to have sex with an attractive new friend.

But that's the trick, innit? Finding new people. If you approach it as a friend hunt and not a boyfriend hunt, more people are now open for consideration. I mean, you may not want a relationship with someone much younger or older than you, but if you befriend them and are attracted to them, why not have a sexual relationship with them if you make it clear that's the extent of your romantic involvement with them.

Bottom line: you get a lot more yesses when you risk a no. So own your sexual attraction and go get it.
posted by inturnaround at 9:00 PM on July 1, 2012

Going to classes and joining arts groups has really worked for me. Don't be the person who is there lookin' for love. Look for friends, then VERY gently hit on the friends who you find attractive. Don't get too attached to any one possibility, but explore everything that seems like it might work. This allowed me to find my wife, best friend, attraction to a different gender, and some of the great work of my life.

P.S. MeMail me if you want specifics of my experience. (no, I won't hit on you)

P.P.S. I'm not 'conventially attractive' in any way, but the people who liked me liked me for the right reasons.
posted by poe at 9:02 PM on July 1, 2012

My best suggestion for eliminating the need to read skeevy guys' emails is to place a keyword in the mide of your profile, an request that anyone contacting you use that keyword as their subject line. You can then delete unread all messages that don't use it (nearly all skeevy guys also don't bother reading profiles).
posted by parrot_person at 9:27 PM on July 1, 2012

I think my keyboard is going south. That should be "middle" of your profile.... "and" request...
posted by parrot_person at 9:28 PM on July 1, 2012

Weight and age, however, seem to rule me out of many mens' range of possibility

In my experience, looking for dance partners online, most men list their desired partners at least five years younger and at least a weight class lower than themselves, so I totally understand where you're coming from. I consider these guys skeezy and hypocritical and automatically rule them out of my search, even if it eliminates over half the pool. ...so I know where you're coming from.

Anyway, in terms of online dating, yeah, don't list the casual sex. Just be upfront when someone contacts you. As you say, you're looking for a relationship, so keep that, but when you get a contact message them back you're not interested in taking it slow physically
posted by Lt. Bunny Wigglesworth at 9:29 PM on July 1, 2012

Craigslist's "Casual Encounters" and sex clubs. There are definitely ways to easily weed out the scum and have a fun, sexy time. Memail me if you're interested in the nitty-gritty.
posted by julthumbscrew at 9:35 PM on July 1, 2012

- I'm not attracted to just anyone, and find that genuine attraction for me is fairly rare.

i think this is your biggest hurdle. what is "genuine attraction" but a big black box? there's some way that a person acts or looks that you don't know how to describe. you need to either figure out what it is or ditch the whole concept. if i were to guess i'd say it's a catch all term, so any guy you feel a little unsure about you say there's no "genuine attraction". my point is, isolate what this is so you know what to look for, or be willing to go for guys who you aren't genuinely attracted to.

switching gears: i suggest you go to a bar about 1 hour before it closes. you say you don't drink, ok. go sober, and if there is someone who passes the grade you could probably hit on them pretty hard. there's no need to be subtle. you may get rejected sometimes, but if there's a place to be serious about being willing to have sex with someone you don't know well, bar close is the time to do it.
posted by cupcake1337 at 10:13 PM on July 1, 2012

[Some comments deleted; do not debate with other posters or post rants here. Just answer the question or move on. ]
posted by taz at 10:17 PM on July 1, 2012

- I'm ideally looking for an actual relationship, but if that isn't forthcoming, I'd at least like to be having sex
It seems to me that you really would like a relationship, too, and that's okay. It is more than possible for sex to turn into love . I do understand your diemma-I am an older woman (older than you,even!) who decided l it was time to get moving and get what I wanted.

I would suggest trying online dating again. I found that I had to be assertive-I did the first connecting myself. Don't wait for men to message you. And don't waste time doing too much online messaging-for me , after maybe 2 emails I arranged IRL meetings at a safe place. You can usually tell if there is a frisson of interest then.

I also agree with several other posters- don't put "casual sex" in your profile. It really gets the icky ones. I also suggest being very broad in your age requirements-I found men around 15 years older and fifteen years younger were the best bets.
Don't give up.
posted by Isadorady at 2:06 AM on July 2, 2012

Though I am no high priestess of getting laid, believe me, I agree with others who suggest that item 2, "not attracted to just anyone," may be the biggest obstacle of those listed.

I mean this 100% sincerely and not in a gross way. Just as a statement of fact. A guy does not have to be all that great-looking for sex to be enjoyable. Now, I know you know that intellectually, but really think about it. So he's a bit overweight and has strange-looking hair. Will you care or even notice all this when his X is in Y location? Really? So he dresses in like an asinine way. Most people take off their clothes before doing the deed.

I get it, you say, I've slept with n men and I still stand by item 2. OK. My suggestion in this _particular case_ is that you go ahead and try screwing an otherwise cool but low-chemistry guy just once. See how it goes. After you actually fuck him you may find there is chemistry after all.

Also, as you KNOW I am sure, people who are actually getting fucked often give off a more available vibe. Think about it.
posted by skbw at 6:35 AM on July 2, 2012

And here is the tough-love approach that I would never deploy directly onto you, an internet stranger. But this is the version of above comment that I use on my superold friend, college roommate, and neighbor of many years.

So she has very high standards for men. Nothing wrong with that. She herself is 100% attractive and fuckable but in no way resembles a magazine-worthy female arm candy consort of Elijah Wood, who is her exemplar of men. So she sees action extremely rarely. You get it. Seen it many times, I am sure.

So we're at a party or occasionally even an actual bar. Some guy starts talking to us. Your baseline late 20s to mid 40s NYC guy, educated, well groomed, sometimes quite above average in looks. "There's your guy," I say. "If I was single, why not? He looks good. He's a programmer."

"Nah," she says. "He's not for me because of X party-encounter-based observation."

"OK," I tell her. "You must not want it bad enough. That's cool, but there he is."
posted by skbw at 6:46 AM on July 2, 2012

I wish I knew what City you lived in. But I'll assume that if you have casual encounters, you must be in non-rural, u.s. area.

If I were you, I would come up with a dating plan. I would start with groups where you can meet single men in person. Look for the following (a) singles meetup groups (b) speed dating (c) single volunteers, (d) singles dining groups (dinner for 8 comes to mind) (e) if you can afford it try more expensive matchmaking services like it's just lunch (f) singles bike riding groups. If you can't find the right group than start one on meetup, but make sure it involves an activity like hiking or volunteering or running (ppl are way less nervous about this kind of thing if they have an activity they like). Then also throw an online dating site or two into the mix.

Then basically you should spend most of your time doing these singles activities. If you can't find a singles activity for a certain day, then leave it open for an Internet date.

Ideally, your schedule would like: Saturday I'm single volunteering, Sunday singles meetup, monday speed dating, tuesday singles dinner

You get the idea. I think if this something you really want you have to spend a lot of time, you may have to spend some money, and you have to be aggressive and make it a first priority in your life. It's a numbers game, so the more you do it, the more likely you are to be successful. If you can see if you can get some wing women to go with you. These things are much easier if you have a friend to laugh with about it.

Good luck.
posted by bananafish at 8:15 AM on July 2, 2012

I also think you can get what you want online.

Delete at first glance the cut-and-paste messages from guys that clearly haven't read your profile. Everyone has to do that. For me, humor has helped a lot - I had one profile that spoke about wanting a guy (for the night) with a hairy chest and a cowboy hat, which is obviously kind of silly, but led to some very funny responses which led to some banter-y back and forth message exchanges which were not the soulless "I'm 6'2" and uncut blah blah" type, and ultimately meetings. I also had a line about liking to laugh a lot during sexytimes, and again that led to some fun exchanges that set the vibe I wanted.

I agree about unchecking the "casual sex" box, but even if you don't you could state what you want as activity plus roll in the hay, so there is time for some chemistry to develop over an afternoon/evening as you seem to want. So, state (on CL or OKC) you want someone to attend an XYZ concert with you or meet in ABC bar for a couple of hours or go to the DEF parade or whatever, and then back to your place. If anyone responds to that asking if you want to come to their place for 8 or see photos of their privates - again, delete without prejudice.

You could also just lie about your age, if you really think that's an issue. I know that's distasteful for several reasons, but you're not planning to marry these guys, so making yourself 36 instead of 42 or something for a week might be worth a try, to see if it changes anything up.

i suggest you go to a bar about 1 hour before it closes. you say you don't drink, ok. go sober, and if there is someone who passes the grade you could probably hit on them pretty hard. there's no need to be subtle.

Definitely think this is a good suggestion too. Good luck!
posted by woofwoofwoof at 8:45 AM on July 2, 2012

I find that activities that imply physicality seem to "magically" lead to physical encounters. The casual clothing, the lack of pretense, the fact that you're focused on the activity, not necessarily hunting. For some of my friends this is the gym, but I have better luck at yoga class, especially the outdoor ones.

I don't wear raggedy stuff, and I try not to look like I haven't shaved or showered for five days. I just wear comfortable clothing that works for the class.

No hangovers, feel better after I do them, and sometimes get laid. Works for me.
posted by halfbuckaroo at 8:54 AM on July 2, 2012

"activity partners" on female okcupid profiles = "casual sex" - skeeviness
posted by MangyCarface at 9:49 AM on July 2, 2012

I've always used okcupid's "short term dating" to mean sex with a date beforehand. Also, you need to be proactive in messaging dudes:

One of my best online encounters was with a woman in her late 30s - early 40s who messaged me out of the blue. I was 24 at the time. She travelled often for business and would message guys to meet up with prior to visiting each city. She wasn't thin or glamorous; more of a nerdy mom type. I would have never thought to look her up, but I had a great time with her and still see her every couple of months.
posted by modernserf at 10:17 AM on July 2, 2012

parrot_person's suggestion of a keyword, to filter out the spam-messages on dating sites, is *brilliant*.

Seconding - contact people you are interested in, much better success rate than being spam-mailed.

'Increase your libido' a little, and some more partners may become acceptable, chemistry-wise. By which I suggest, er, masturbate more.


go ahead and try screwing an otherwise cool but low-chemistry guy just once. See how it goes. After you actually fuck him you may find there is chemistry after all.

I wonder if skbw is talking about a different kind of 'chemistry', and this may be relevant to whether you take their suggestion...
E.g. I have no idea whether I have any chemistry with someone just by their appearance. Someone can appear hot, but it has nothing to do with my chemistry with them.
I have to have gotten to know someone well enough to well, smell them. Sitting side by side for a couple of hours is the very shortest period of time I can use that. Followed up by kissing.
Out of dozens of partners, if I didn't have much chemistry with someone by the kissing stage, it has never, not once, not ever, improved by having sex with them.
Or even dating them for several months (mistakes I made more than once).

I do know that having sex with someone when I am not in the mood/attracted to them, massively decreases my attraction to them, on a fairly long-term basis.
*wince*
Spending enough time in close contact that I am sure I am attracted to them, does work pretty well.


So yeah, you are in your 40s. You'll know where you come in on that. Don't pay too much attention to whether you initially think someone is hot, but once you have spent some time with them, trust yourself as to whether you find them attractive!
posted by Elysum at 3:39 PM on July 2, 2012

This is related to parrot_person's suggestion of a keyword, and may only be helpful on fetish sites where financial domination is common, but feel free to try.

I used to have a disclaimer on my FL profile saying that I was only interested in women, no men please. I still got quite a few creepy messages from men, mostly from those that wanted to dominate me, and in at least one case after I'd tell them off for not reading my profile they said they deliberately ignored my disclaimer because they thought they'd be the one to "change my mind". Yeaaaaahhhhhh...no.

So I tweaked my disclaimer. I said that if any straight cis guys wanted to talk to me, they needed to pay me for my attention first.
Creepy dude messages disappear.

(I think if someone tried to betray that anyway I'd probably send them an invoice.)
posted by divabat at 4:50 PM on July 2, 2012

Pick the men actively, online. Don't only await solicitation. Their profiles often list ideal preferences, not hard limits; many will enjoy you and what you're after, even if it's not what they listed looking for.
posted by ead at 6:23 PM on July 2, 2012