Please don't startle me. Really.
June 14, 2012 12:19 PM Subscribe
Asking for a friend: How do I get people to stop coming up from behind me and scaring me at work? (particulars and instigating trauma inside)
I was sexually assaulted in a very crowded space within the last year. I'm doing okay in terms of my recovery, but among the lasting impacts of the assault for me is that I get very scared and triggered when someone touches or approaches me unexpectedly, or from an angle I can't see.
I'm working in a lab this summer with a couple of professors and several other students. My colleagues have quickly gotten into a routine of sidling up to me from behind. I try to sit sideways at my lab station, and I've told them to walk around so I can see them. I also get very focused on my work so I'm not aware of what people are doing around me.
Unfortunately some of them think its fun to playfully come up and put their hands on my shoulders unexpectedly, and even sometimes say "boo". Sometimes they appear over my shoulder even when they're not trying to scare me.
I've explained several times not to do it, including asking them to announce themselves when they approach me, and to approach me from my front, but its continuing to happen.
I really need it to stop but a) don't want to make too big a fuss over myself (I'm the new person in the lab and am not the type to draw unnecessary attention to myself), and b) absolutely do not want to tell them why it is a genuine problem for me.
Any ideas on what I can say to my colleagues that will make it clear its in no way cute, fun, or playful when they do it without revealing much if anything about why?
I was sexually assaulted in a very crowded space within the last year. I'm doing okay in terms of my recovery, but among the lasting impacts of the assault for me is that I get very scared and triggered when someone touches or approaches me unexpectedly, or from an angle I can't see.
I'm working in a lab this summer with a couple of professors and several other students. My colleagues have quickly gotten into a routine of sidling up to me from behind. I try to sit sideways at my lab station, and I've told them to walk around so I can see them. I also get very focused on my work so I'm not aware of what people are doing around me.
Unfortunately some of them think its fun to playfully come up and put their hands on my shoulders unexpectedly, and even sometimes say "boo". Sometimes they appear over my shoulder even when they're not trying to scare me.
I've explained several times not to do it, including asking them to announce themselves when they approach me, and to approach me from my front, but its continuing to happen.
I really need it to stop but a) don't want to make too big a fuss over myself (I'm the new person in the lab and am not the type to draw unnecessary attention to myself), and b) absolutely do not want to tell them why it is a genuine problem for me.
Any ideas on what I can say to my colleagues that will make it clear its in no way cute, fun, or playful when they do it without revealing much if anything about why?
Make a big effing deal out of it. That's how I got people to start announcing themselves when they come near me.
Jerk in surprise, put your hand to your heart and stare at them as though you're truly and honestly scared of them. Don't smile, don't laugh. Relax after a minute and frown at them. You don't have to say anything.
Most people's reaction to that is a gasp and a quick "sorry!"
posted by royalsong at 12:25 PM on June 14, 2012 [16 favorites]
Jerk in surprise, put your hand to your heart and stare at them as though you're truly and honestly scared of them. Don't smile, don't laugh. Relax after a minute and frown at them. You don't have to say anything.
Most people's reaction to that is a gasp and a quick "sorry!"
posted by royalsong at 12:25 PM on June 14, 2012 [16 favorites]
You can also get stick-on convex mirrors at an auto parts store.
posted by ShooBoo at 12:25 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by ShooBoo at 12:25 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Lose your temper. Make a scene. Seriously. They are not going to get that it's a big deal unless you make it a big deal. (I would be inclined to give in to my impulse to flail wildly and break someone's nose - ymmv.) Asking politely is not working - it's time to stop being polite.
(Incidentally, you might want to look in to a self-defense class - this is exactly the sort of thing that is really freaking hard to deal with when you've been socialized all your life to be nice and not draw attention to yourself, and exactly what a self-defense class will teach your skills for and give you some practice. It's hard. But it's necessary.)
The other way to do this, that is much more dependent on the dubious goodwill of other people, is to make the scene much more quietly and directly to your professor. Tell them that if this doesn't get resolved, you are going to assume it's deliberate harassment and take the necessary steps.
posted by restless_nomad at 12:27 PM on June 14, 2012 [37 favorites]
(Incidentally, you might want to look in to a self-defense class - this is exactly the sort of thing that is really freaking hard to deal with when you've been socialized all your life to be nice and not draw attention to yourself, and exactly what a self-defense class will teach your skills for and give you some practice. It's hard. But it's necessary.)
The other way to do this, that is much more dependent on the dubious goodwill of other people, is to make the scene much more quietly and directly to your professor. Tell them that if this doesn't get resolved, you are going to assume it's deliberate harassment and take the necessary steps.
posted by restless_nomad at 12:27 PM on June 14, 2012 [37 favorites]
"Accidentally" lash out with your elbow when it happens. One elbow to the sternum (or wherever) is usually enough to teach people not to mess with me like that, especially when I've already tried asking politely and that didn't work. I then usually give them an "Oh my gosh I'm so sorry, I TOLD you not to sneak up on me like that!"
Alternatively (or additionally), you could gently point out that you were attacked a while back, without offering any more specifics, and you'd appreciate it if they'd knock it off. I can understand you not wanting to discuss the real reason, but do remember that being the victim of assault isn't something you need to be ashamed of.
posted by Gator at 12:29 PM on June 14, 2012 [23 favorites]
Alternatively (or additionally), you could gently point out that you were attacked a while back, without offering any more specifics, and you'd appreciate it if they'd knock it off. I can understand you not wanting to discuss the real reason, but do remember that being the victim of assault isn't something you need to be ashamed of.
posted by Gator at 12:29 PM on June 14, 2012 [23 favorites]
Oh my God, what a shitty situation to be in. If you can, and this is admittedly really hard, I would focus on saying very flatly, with as little emotion as possible, "I don't like it when you do that. Please don't do it again." or whatever variation you need to use ("Don't do that. I don't like it." "Don't come up behind me like that. Please stop."). Maybe also add, "I am not joking. This is not funny. Please stop." Some people think that if you have some big charged reaction, it's part of the joke- sort of the way some people like to scream at horror movies. Those people need to be explicitly told to knock it the hell off.
And, honestly, if they ignore you, escalate to whoever you need to. You've said stop and they won't. You've offered them a very easy alternative way to approach you. Document the hell out of this bullshit and them email HR or the ombudsman or whoever and say "harassment." I bet that will work.
Ugh, again, this sucks and I'm really sorry these people are doing this.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 12:30 PM on June 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
And, honestly, if they ignore you, escalate to whoever you need to. You've said stop and they won't. You've offered them a very easy alternative way to approach you. Document the hell out of this bullshit and them email HR or the ombudsman or whoever and say "harassment." I bet that will work.
Ugh, again, this sucks and I'm really sorry these people are doing this.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 12:30 PM on June 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
I had some people do this to me, even after I explained that I had been sexually assaulted by someone who had come up from behind me.
My solution was to give into my knee jerk reaction, which was to throw up a fist and hit whatever is behind me as hard as I could. The severe bloody nose that was incurred after I inadvertently slugged my ex boyfriend when he tried to sneak up on me was enough to stop other people from doing it.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 12:30 PM on June 14, 2012 [7 favorites]
My solution was to give into my knee jerk reaction, which was to throw up a fist and hit whatever is behind me as hard as I could. The severe bloody nose that was incurred after I inadvertently slugged my ex boyfriend when he tried to sneak up on me was enough to stop other people from doing it.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 12:30 PM on June 14, 2012 [7 favorites]
1) use mirrors.
2) do not apologize for being startled.
3) to the ones who are doing it on purpose, you need to be very clear: "For real actual physiological reasons, that's not okay and it's not funny. For future reference, are we now clear on that? Great, I appreciate you prioritizing my well-being over your fun."
posted by Lyn Never at 12:31 PM on June 14, 2012 [5 favorites]
2) do not apologize for being startled.
3) to the ones who are doing it on purpose, you need to be very clear: "For real actual physiological reasons, that's not okay and it's not funny. For future reference, are we now clear on that? Great, I appreciate you prioritizing my well-being over your fun."
posted by Lyn Never at 12:31 PM on June 14, 2012 [5 favorites]
I've explained several times not to do it, including asking them to announce themselves when they approach me, and to approach me from my front, but its continuing to happen.
If they're still doing it after a polite explanation, then if you choose to "make a scene" you might encourage them more. Some jerks are like that.
I'd go with throwing a fist or elbow at your six o'clock.
posted by JoeZydeco at 12:32 PM on June 14, 2012
If they're still doing it after a polite explanation, then if you choose to "make a scene" you might encourage them more. Some jerks are like that.
I'd go with throwing a fist or elbow at your six o'clock.
posted by JoeZydeco at 12:32 PM on June 14, 2012
I think this calls for a calm, firm, completely unapologetic "I don't like that, and I don't want you to do it, and it's not even a little bit funny to me. I want this to stop." Do not qualify your response in any way ("I'm sorry, but" or "I don't mean to be sensitive," or "I know you don't mean anything by it"). If you have done that already, or if you do it and it doesn't work, tell them the next time it happens, you're going to complain to the department, and do it.
I know you don't want to make too big a fuss over yourself, but this is your recovery, and your right not to be handled in a way that you dislike in a professional environment is an entirely reasonable thing to set limits about.
I wouldn't go with the mirrors; I fear that would just escalate their sense that it's a big game and a back and forth to outsmart each other. Plus, you have to look in the mirror all the time, which is gross.
I think it's good for you to stop worrying about making a fuss -- there are certain things that might set off your bad feelings that you can't really expect other people to accommodate, but not sneaking up behind you and touching you is not one of them. Tell them to knock it off, and mean it.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 12:34 PM on June 14, 2012 [5 favorites]
I know you don't want to make too big a fuss over yourself, but this is your recovery, and your right not to be handled in a way that you dislike in a professional environment is an entirely reasonable thing to set limits about.
I wouldn't go with the mirrors; I fear that would just escalate their sense that it's a big game and a back and forth to outsmart each other. Plus, you have to look in the mirror all the time, which is gross.
I think it's good for you to stop worrying about making a fuss -- there are certain things that might set off your bad feelings that you can't really expect other people to accommodate, but not sneaking up behind you and touching you is not one of them. Tell them to knock it off, and mean it.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 12:34 PM on June 14, 2012 [5 favorites]
Don't hold back! "Accidentally" punch, kick, slap or whatever your initial reaction is let it happen. Be sure to then say you are very sorry but that they should really announce themselves so these things don't happen.
posted by xicana63 at 12:34 PM on June 14, 2012
posted by xicana63 at 12:34 PM on June 14, 2012
Any ideas on what I can say to my colleagues that will make it clear its in no way cute, fun, or playful when they do it without revealing much if anything about why?
Make up a traumatic story that is not similar to your actual trauma. Tell the story when someone does it again and ask them to stop. Enlist the help of professors if necessary.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:35 PM on June 14, 2012
Make up a traumatic story that is not similar to your actual trauma. Tell the story when someone does it again and ask them to stop. Enlist the help of professors if necessary.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:35 PM on June 14, 2012
I move very quietly. I just do. We got hollered at a lot to be quieter as kids, and some of it stuck.
It would be totally okay for you to be startled and to ask me to make some kind of noise when I was around you. You might have to ask me a couple of times because I'm forgetful and, like I said, I just move very quietly.
But really, just ask. It's no big deal.
posted by gauche at 12:35 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
It would be totally okay for you to be startled and to ask me to make some kind of noise when I was around you. You might have to ask me a couple of times because I'm forgetful and, like I said, I just move very quietly.
But really, just ask. It's no big deal.
posted by gauche at 12:35 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: From my friend: Approaches I've tried for communicating that I don't like it:
I've tried joking
I've tried scared
I've tried dispassionate
I've jumped up terrified and ran halfway across the lab
I've told them ill accidentally hit them
I've politely asked and reminded them
I've been serious
posted by dry white toast at 12:35 PM on June 14, 2012
I've tried joking
I've tried scared
I've tried dispassionate
I've jumped up terrified and ran halfway across the lab
I've told them ill accidentally hit them
I've politely asked and reminded them
I've been serious
posted by dry white toast at 12:35 PM on June 14, 2012
nthing mirrors. I had a colleague many years ago who was very hard of hearing - she had one of those convex mirrors on the corner of her computer so that she could see people coming up behind her.
Also, tell them to stop. Document the conversation. Document any further incidents, and if they continue go to HR.
posted by Elly Vortex at 12:36 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Also, tell them to stop. Document the conversation. Document any further incidents, and if they continue go to HR.
posted by Elly Vortex at 12:36 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Is there an HR department that can be contacted? This sounds to me like harrassment of an ugly sort, even without the detail that they were assaulted. But I have no idea if the employer would take it seriously or handle it effectively.
posted by Michele in California at 12:36 PM on June 14, 2012 [11 favorites]
posted by Michele in California at 12:36 PM on June 14, 2012 [11 favorites]
After seeing your update: go to your boss, or go to HR.
posted by Elly Vortex at 12:36 PM on June 14, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by Elly Vortex at 12:36 PM on June 14, 2012 [8 favorites]
Yeah, then you're at the "This is harassment" stage. Time to go to the authorities. And possibly contact a lawyer.
posted by restless_nomad at 12:37 PM on June 14, 2012 [11 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 12:37 PM on June 14, 2012 [11 favorites]
Make up a traumatic story that is not similar to your actual trauma.
This technique would not be for everybody, but I find myself curiously intrigued by it.
But if you're trying a mix of all those things -- sometimes you joke, sometimes you're serious, sometimes it's a polite reminder -- you need to switch to one that you use every time on anyone who has already been told about this and doesn't stop, which is, in my humble opinion, something like, "I am dead serious, I want this stopped right now. If this doesn't stop, I'm going to HR for help."
posted by Linda_Holmes at 12:40 PM on June 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
This technique would not be for everybody, but I find myself curiously intrigued by it.
But if you're trying a mix of all those things -- sometimes you joke, sometimes you're serious, sometimes it's a polite reminder -- you need to switch to one that you use every time on anyone who has already been told about this and doesn't stop, which is, in my humble opinion, something like, "I am dead serious, I want this stopped right now. If this doesn't stop, I'm going to HR for help."
posted by Linda_Holmes at 12:40 PM on June 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
Is there a Human Resources dept at work?
I agree that you are at the harassment stage. You need to take a firm hand.
Be prepared to go to the mattress. It is ok to be a bitch.
posted by Flood at 12:41 PM on June 14, 2012
I agree that you are at the harassment stage. You need to take a firm hand.
Be prepared to go to the mattress. It is ok to be a bitch.
posted by Flood at 12:41 PM on June 14, 2012
Yeah, if you've already tried these things, you're in escalate to HR, quit, or live with it territory.
posted by gauche at 12:42 PM on June 14, 2012
posted by gauche at 12:42 PM on June 14, 2012
I think being consistently serious is a good idea.
Also maybe strew the floor with corn flakes so you can hear people crunching up behind you.
posted by mskyle at 12:42 PM on June 14, 2012
Also maybe strew the floor with corn flakes so you can hear people crunching up behind you.
posted by mskyle at 12:42 PM on June 14, 2012
If you've tried everything by yourself to get this to stop, then you need to escalate. Your boss, and if your boss isn't receptive, then Human Resources or the legal offices of your university. It's become harassment, and it needs to stop, even if that means you have to start formal proceedings.
posted by xingcat at 12:42 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by xingcat at 12:42 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Do you use the same desk every day? Could you move it in anyway even 45 degrees so it's harder for people to sneak up on you?
My husband thought it was hilarious I would come up swinging if woken from a deep sleep and liked to startle me awake, until the morning I smacked him upside his head in fright. He doesn't do that anymore.
Mirrors might be too obvious, how about a webcam tucked into a corner.
Don't laugh when people do it, let them see you are scared and upset, I can't imagine that these people really want to scare you as much as they are, right now they just think it's fun. I'd seriously consider contacting someone higher up. People should not be touching you at work if you've asked them not to.
posted by wwax at 12:46 PM on June 14, 2012
My husband thought it was hilarious I would come up swinging if woken from a deep sleep and liked to startle me awake, until the morning I smacked him upside his head in fright. He doesn't do that anymore.
Mirrors might be too obvious, how about a webcam tucked into a corner.
Don't laugh when people do it, let them see you are scared and upset, I can't imagine that these people really want to scare you as much as they are, right now they just think it's fun. I'd seriously consider contacting someone higher up. People should not be touching you at work if you've asked them not to.
posted by wwax at 12:46 PM on June 14, 2012
Don't tell them you'll accidentally hit them.
Hit them..
Hitting your lab partners or professors is terrible advice and gives them a reason to call HR on you.
Seriously, however bad they're being, if you turn around and hit them, you're escalating the situation in way that does not guarantee a positive outcome for yourself.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:47 PM on June 14, 2012 [7 favorites]
Hit them..
Hitting your lab partners or professors is terrible advice and gives them a reason to call HR on you.
Seriously, however bad they're being, if you turn around and hit them, you're escalating the situation in way that does not guarantee a positive outcome for yourself.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:47 PM on June 14, 2012 [7 favorites]
I've tried joking
I've tried scared
I've tried dispassionate
I've jumped up terrified and ran halfway across the lab
I've told them ill accidentally hit them
I've politely asked and reminded them
I've been serious
O.O. This, combined with the fact that this is a summer position and you've only been there a few weeks at most at this point, suggests to me a deeply dysfunctional culture in the lab. Like, how is your work life aside from this childish bullshit? Good? Bad? Is this the only thing you want to be different? Is the professor (oh, god, how horrible) one of the people who does this?
The only thing is, I would not hit or be physical with anyone in this circumstance. This sounds so weird and fucked-up that I suspect that would make YOU the bad guy for (in the offenders' eyes) taking this too seriously and ruining the game, plus actually hurting someone (because they either don't realize or don't care that they are already hurting you). And it would make it harder for you to make your case to your boss/HR.
I think you need to have a five-minute sitdown with your boss and say, "It frightens me very much when Joe, Jim and Phoebe approach me from behind and try to startle me. I can't focus on my work when they do that and it makes me very uncomfortable. I have asked them to stop and they have continued to do it. How do you suggest I handle this?" And if the answer is, "Suck it up," ESCALATE. Your university almost certainly has some kind of harassment policy that they take very seriously, and I would absolutely avail myself of it in this situation.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 12:48 PM on June 14, 2012 [24 favorites]
I've tried scared
I've tried dispassionate
I've jumped up terrified and ran halfway across the lab
I've told them ill accidentally hit them
I've politely asked and reminded them
I've been serious
O.O. This, combined with the fact that this is a summer position and you've only been there a few weeks at most at this point, suggests to me a deeply dysfunctional culture in the lab. Like, how is your work life aside from this childish bullshit? Good? Bad? Is this the only thing you want to be different? Is the professor (oh, god, how horrible) one of the people who does this?
The only thing is, I would not hit or be physical with anyone in this circumstance. This sounds so weird and fucked-up that I suspect that would make YOU the bad guy for (in the offenders' eyes) taking this too seriously and ruining the game, plus actually hurting someone (because they either don't realize or don't care that they are already hurting you). And it would make it harder for you to make your case to your boss/HR.
I think you need to have a five-minute sitdown with your boss and say, "It frightens me very much when Joe, Jim and Phoebe approach me from behind and try to startle me. I can't focus on my work when they do that and it makes me very uncomfortable. I have asked them to stop and they have continued to do it. How do you suggest I handle this?" And if the answer is, "Suck it up," ESCALATE. Your university almost certainly has some kind of harassment policy that they take very seriously, and I would absolutely avail myself of it in this situation.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 12:48 PM on June 14, 2012 [24 favorites]
Shrieking might work.
posted by Bruce H. at 12:49 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Bruce H. at 12:49 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
You're being harassed. You need to speak to your boss, privately and one-on-one, and tell them that this needs to stop. If your boss can't or won't help (either because they're ineffective, don't understand why this matters, and/or is among the people who do this to you), you must escalate to whatever office on campus is the appropriate one to go to. The school where you work should have specific guidelines about not having to work in a hostile environment, which this has pretty clearly become.
Again, you are being harassed. Standing up for yourself is not "making a fuss," it is the act of an adult setting a healthy boundary to ensure that you are treated respectfully.
Good luck.
posted by scody at 12:49 PM on June 14, 2012 [23 favorites]
Again, you are being harassed. Standing up for yourself is not "making a fuss," it is the act of an adult setting a healthy boundary to ensure that you are treated respectfully.
Good luck.
posted by scody at 12:49 PM on June 14, 2012 [23 favorites]
Hitting someone is horrible advice. What a great way to tilt the scale against yourself.
You're going to have to disclose some information to someone up the ladder. It's terrible but anything short of "You're/they're making me relive my rape/trauma each time" will come off as 'hysterical' or feedback into the, in other circumstances, 'mild' bullying you're on the end of. It's still fun and games for them. Can you cry on command? There's a visceral reaction crying provokes that could knock some sense into these idiots
posted by MangyCarface at 12:50 PM on June 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
You're going to have to disclose some information to someone up the ladder. It's terrible but anything short of "You're/they're making me relive my rape/trauma each time" will come off as 'hysterical' or feedback into the, in other circumstances, 'mild' bullying you're on the end of. It's still fun and games for them. Can you cry on command? There's a visceral reaction crying provokes that could knock some sense into these idiots
posted by MangyCarface at 12:50 PM on June 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
Hitting is never OK, especially in a professional environment where you are the one wanting others to act professionally.
Mirrors would, I'm guessing, make things into something of a game, an increased challenge to those who want to do this. In that, it indirectly belittles the seriousness of the matter.
I would go with a controlled freakout -- calm, measured, but loud and direct -- with a general statement to the office that everyone had better knock it off, and the next one to try it gets a meeting with HR. And then follow up.
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:51 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Mirrors would, I'm guessing, make things into something of a game, an increased challenge to those who want to do this. In that, it indirectly belittles the seriousness of the matter.
I would go with a controlled freakout -- calm, measured, but loud and direct -- with a general statement to the office that everyone had better knock it off, and the next one to try it gets a meeting with HR. And then follow up.
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:51 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Speak to your boss. If you have a lab meeting, bring it up there and in front of everybody. That should be enough. Ask your boss one on one to be placed at a workstation where you can see everyone's comings and goings, and make sure he knows why.
posted by kettleoffish at 12:52 PM on June 14, 2012
posted by kettleoffish at 12:52 PM on June 14, 2012
If this isn't enough, please consider finding a new lab. As important as gaining experience is, it should not be at the expense of your other personal goals and safety.
posted by kettleoffish at 12:53 PM on June 14, 2012
posted by kettleoffish at 12:53 PM on June 14, 2012
Make up a traumatic story that is not similar to your actual trauma.
This technique would not be for everybody, but I find myself curiously intrigued by it.
Okay, if we're cool with lying here (and for the record, I would be totally cool with lying here), I'd go with "Look, I am losing my hearing and when you walk up on me, I can't hear you and it SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. If you think scaring the shit out of people with a disability is hilarious, I don't know what to tell you. If you don't, knock that crap off. Are we cool?"
posted by DarlingBri at 12:54 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
This technique would not be for everybody, but I find myself curiously intrigued by it.
Okay, if we're cool with lying here (and for the record, I would be totally cool with lying here), I'd go with "Look, I am losing my hearing and when you walk up on me, I can't hear you and it SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. If you think scaring the shit out of people with a disability is hilarious, I don't know what to tell you. If you don't, knock that crap off. Are we cool?"
posted by DarlingBri at 12:54 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
I used to have trouble with the same thing, for the exact same reasons.
Sadly, it's something that I had to gradually move past. Which took years. Which sucked.
As for people who do it on purpose, as a joke? Fuck that noise.
The best advice I can give for people who do this because they think it's funny is to take them aside, individually (ideally you should only have to do this one time), and explain. In a very earnest, open, non-uptight/"oversensitive" way. You shouldn't need to mention sexual assault explicitly, just say something like, "because of something that happened to me in my past" or an equally ominously ambiguous phrase. I have scared people away from a lot of triggering casual behaviors by doing that. Usually the person feels really bad. Often they spread the word to other offenders, especially if a lot of it was honest mistake level stuff.
For what it's worth, getting comfortable with talking about this stuff in a natural way was a huge help in getting me beyond most of the ubiquitous triggers that well-meaning people couldn't help flaring up.
If you've already attempted this and the people kept doing it because "it's just a joke"? That's when you go to supervisors and/or HR and start pulling out big scary terms like harassment, triggering behavior, PTSD, etc.
posted by Sara C. at 12:55 PM on June 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
Sadly, it's something that I had to gradually move past. Which took years. Which sucked.
As for people who do it on purpose, as a joke? Fuck that noise.
The best advice I can give for people who do this because they think it's funny is to take them aside, individually (ideally you should only have to do this one time), and explain. In a very earnest, open, non-uptight/"oversensitive" way. You shouldn't need to mention sexual assault explicitly, just say something like, "because of something that happened to me in my past" or an equally ominously ambiguous phrase. I have scared people away from a lot of triggering casual behaviors by doing that. Usually the person feels really bad. Often they spread the word to other offenders, especially if a lot of it was honest mistake level stuff.
For what it's worth, getting comfortable with talking about this stuff in a natural way was a huge help in getting me beyond most of the ubiquitous triggers that well-meaning people couldn't help flaring up.
If you've already attempted this and the people kept doing it because "it's just a joke"? That's when you go to supervisors and/or HR and start pulling out big scary terms like harassment, triggering behavior, PTSD, etc.
posted by Sara C. at 12:55 PM on June 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
"Look, I am losing my hearing and when you walk up on me, I can't hear you and it SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. If you think scaring the shit out of people with a disability is hilarious, I don't know what to tell you. If you don't, knock that crap off. Are we cool?"
This won't work. I actually do have a hearing disability, my coworkers are nice, non-harassing professionals, and they forget once a day.
posted by desjardins at 12:59 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
This won't work. I actually do have a hearing disability, my coworkers are nice, non-harassing professionals, and they forget once a day.
posted by desjardins at 12:59 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
The lab's manager/boss or HR should be involved. Even if you DIDN'T have this triggering situation in your background, this would be harassment. Whether or not you discuss the specifics with HR is up to you, but they need to make it stop.
I had coworkers do this at a short-term (TEENAGER*) job I had and they thought it was hilarious (and I had no triggering past trauma; just nobody likes being startled from behind). They were doing it to everyone all the time and it just kept escalating as they tried to make it more and more hilarious. One time they startled me so badly I burst into tears, which was ridiculously embarrassing, but it was so awkward and everyone felt so bad that that was the end of the stupid "scare people to be funny" game.
*The fact that adults are doing this is RIDICULOUS and they should be ashamed.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:59 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
I had coworkers do this at a short-term (TEENAGER*) job I had and they thought it was hilarious (and I had no triggering past trauma; just nobody likes being startled from behind). They were doing it to everyone all the time and it just kept escalating as they tried to make it more and more hilarious. One time they startled me so badly I burst into tears, which was ridiculously embarrassing, but it was so awkward and everyone felt so bad that that was the end of the stupid "scare people to be funny" game.
*The fact that adults are doing this is RIDICULOUS and they should be ashamed.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:59 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
I didnt mean actually sock them in the face on purpose, I meant that if people are coming up behind the OP's friend, she shouldn't have to warn them that she may react a certain way anymore. She is well within her rights to just react, as the people who are doing this obviously don't seem to get the picture.
I didn't mean to imply that workplace violence will solve the problem. Sorry.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 1:00 PM on June 14, 2012
I didn't mean to imply that workplace violence will solve the problem. Sorry.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 1:00 PM on June 14, 2012
Your friend is being harassed, and any supervisor who doesn't crack down on people for doing it is opening him/herself and the lab and the school (and if it's a public school, the entire state) to a huge fucking lawsuit. She needs to explain this to her direct supervisor in a simple, calm way. And the next time it happens after that, she needs to explain it to HR in the same way. And the next time it happens after that, she needs to call a lawyer.
posted by Etrigan at 1:00 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Etrigan at 1:00 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
This is simple harassment. They are touching you against your express wishes, for their personal amusement. Not complicated stuff.
I think in most workplaces HR would deal with this quite effectively, but unfortunately you'll have to judge yourself whether that is the case in your workplace. You are the victim here, so put yourself first and estimate what's going to work in your best interest. If you decide to go to HR, it is the right decision and it is in no way an overreaction. Best wishes.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 1:01 PM on June 14, 2012
I think in most workplaces HR would deal with this quite effectively, but unfortunately you'll have to judge yourself whether that is the case in your workplace. You are the victim here, so put yourself first and estimate what's going to work in your best interest. If you decide to go to HR, it is the right decision and it is in no way an overreaction. Best wishes.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 1:01 PM on June 14, 2012
I still vote that it's okay to hit them, because hitting them would be like a reflex. You're not being startled, recovering, turning to them, and then hitting them as a thought-out tactic. When startled, you're ramming an elbow backward as fast and hard as you can, with intent to deflect an attacker, very seriously.
It's also extremely appropriate to go to H.R. and the supervisors of these miserable excuses for human beings. This is awful, awful harassment and you have the right to be treated professionally and humanely.
posted by Occula at 1:02 PM on June 14, 2012
It's also extremely appropriate to go to H.R. and the supervisors of these miserable excuses for human beings. This is awful, awful harassment and you have the right to be treated professionally and humanely.
posted by Occula at 1:02 PM on June 14, 2012
One more idea, sorry for the multiple posts, but, if your work is computer based, why not bring a laptop from home and work facing away from your desk? This will clearly convey the message that it is not ok for them to do touch you inappropriately, and you can still work without feeling like you have to scan the environment.
posted by kettleoffish at 1:03 PM on June 14, 2012
posted by kettleoffish at 1:03 PM on June 14, 2012
hitting them would be like a reflex
Well, if you decide your solution is to hit them as a reflex, then it's not a reflex, kind of by definition.
And for the record, I am with those who are not at all in favor of hitting/kicking/elbowing. Too much mess.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 1:03 PM on June 14, 2012 [6 favorites]
Well, if you decide your solution is to hit them as a reflex, then it's not a reflex, kind of by definition.
And for the record, I am with those who are not at all in favor of hitting/kicking/elbowing. Too much mess.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 1:03 PM on June 14, 2012 [6 favorites]
Hitting them could go very wrong very fast. If HR doesn't work out, better to threaten a lawsuit than to hit them.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 1:03 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 1:03 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Mod note: We've covered both sides of the hit-them-or-not debate, please let's move on from there.
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 1:06 PM on June 14, 2012
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 1:06 PM on June 14, 2012
Response by poster: More clarification: thanks for your responses. A couple of things to add:
1) The joking part is definitely annoying and problematic but its not the only issue. They also pop up innocently when they need something and its just as triggering.
2) I'd rather not lie. The issue isn't the why, but that my boundaries aren't being respected after I've made them clear repeatedly.
3) I really don't like being singled out. I'm already the only student from a different university, different country. My goal is to become part of the group, not someone who needs to be handled specially.
posted by dry white toast at 1:09 PM on June 14, 2012
1) The joking part is definitely annoying and problematic but its not the only issue. They also pop up innocently when they need something and its just as triggering.
2) I'd rather not lie. The issue isn't the why, but that my boundaries aren't being respected after I've made them clear repeatedly.
3) I really don't like being singled out. I'm already the only student from a different university, different country. My goal is to become part of the group, not someone who needs to be handled specially.
posted by dry white toast at 1:09 PM on June 14, 2012
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I don't know what type of lab you are working in; I have been working in academic chemistry labs for 14 years (oh gees I feel old). My experience so far has led me to the conclusion that generally speaking scientists/lab folks are fond of cheap jokes/pranks ie those that are at the expense of another (my theory on this includes general social ineptitude coupled with nasty competitive work environments with a dash of inferiority complex). My first piece of advice is to completely remove any and all humor from the situation, be a buzzkill, they are looking for a reaction. If you react in a visible/audible way (very likely, it is hard to prevent this) I would complain to them in a way that puts the scare in a lab safety/experimental terms ie "OMG I almost spilled my X/ruined my reaction/lost my cell count, stop sneaking up on me. Seriously, if you don't stop I will talk to our advisor/supervisor" This option is realistic concern and would allow you to address the problem without bringing up the assault. Good Luck
posted by estronaut at 1:10 PM on June 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by estronaut at 1:10 PM on June 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
If you can't figure out who else to talk to (there might not be an easy idea of who "HR" is in a summer-research-experience situation)-- go to the department ombudsman. Their job is to field anonymous concerns, and they have many tools at their disposal, ranging from just someone for you to talk to about the problem all the way up through approaching the PI themselves if you can't do so.
If you don't trust the department ombudsman, there's likely a university-wide ombudsman. Find them, and talk to them, now.
Do not wait. Going to the ombudsman will not mean immediate punishment for your labmates, all it means immediately is you getting access to tools to stop this problem.
posted by nat at 1:11 PM on June 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
If you don't trust the department ombudsman, there's likely a university-wide ombudsman. Find them, and talk to them, now.
Do not wait. Going to the ombudsman will not mean immediate punishment for your labmates, all it means immediately is you getting access to tools to stop this problem.
posted by nat at 1:11 PM on June 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
Ooh to avoid the innocent pop up scare maybe put up some small bells or small wind chime that would make a little tinkle noise as an air current/person moved by or just some paper streamers that would be visible in your peripheral vision if they move.
posted by estronaut at 1:15 PM on June 14, 2012
posted by estronaut at 1:15 PM on June 14, 2012
Go to whoever is in charge, or (alternatively), someone who you think the others would listen to if he/she told them to stop.
Say: "I am a trauma victim. While I had hoped to avoid sharing this with you, I understand that most people who are inexperienced with trauma are insensitive to it. But now you know. When I say 'stop,' it means stop right now. Please understand that I would very much like to avoid involving HR, your boss, or lawyers, but I will if that's what it takes because I need this to stop one way or another. Thanks."
Keep it short, smile at the end, and then walk away. Don't leave room for questions.
Now, I realize that bringing up the trauma is not something you want to do. This is understandable and completely justified: these people are 100% in the wrong, you are 100% in the right, and resolving the situation should not require you to reveal such private matters.
But I think it's the reality check that these people need. For whatever reason, they don't get it. And I genuinely believe that knowing that you are a trauma victim is critical to helping them "get it." It won't make sense to them otherwise. They need the context in order for it to click.
Hopefully they are human enough to feel a bit startled and embarrassed about their thoughtlessness. And hopefully, they'll remember those feelings the next time someone tells them to stop doing something.
Please let me be clear about something: I do not think revealing that you are a trauma victim is your only option in this situation — it is completely understandable if you read all of this and still feel that you don't want to — but I do believe it is the best option in this situation. While it will take an enormous amount of courage on your part, I think it will achieve the result you want, quickly and with the least amount of drama.
I am so, so sorry that you are in this situation. You deserve better, and I wish you the best of luck, however you choose to handle this.
posted by hypotheticole at 1:15 PM on June 14, 2012 [7 favorites]
Say: "I am a trauma victim. While I had hoped to avoid sharing this with you, I understand that most people who are inexperienced with trauma are insensitive to it. But now you know. When I say 'stop,' it means stop right now. Please understand that I would very much like to avoid involving HR, your boss, or lawyers, but I will if that's what it takes because I need this to stop one way or another. Thanks."
Keep it short, smile at the end, and then walk away. Don't leave room for questions.
Now, I realize that bringing up the trauma is not something you want to do. This is understandable and completely justified: these people are 100% in the wrong, you are 100% in the right, and resolving the situation should not require you to reveal such private matters.
But I think it's the reality check that these people need. For whatever reason, they don't get it. And I genuinely believe that knowing that you are a trauma victim is critical to helping them "get it." It won't make sense to them otherwise. They need the context in order for it to click.
Hopefully they are human enough to feel a bit startled and embarrassed about their thoughtlessness. And hopefully, they'll remember those feelings the next time someone tells them to stop doing something.
Please let me be clear about something: I do not think revealing that you are a trauma victim is your only option in this situation — it is completely understandable if you read all of this and still feel that you don't want to — but I do believe it is the best option in this situation. While it will take an enormous amount of courage on your part, I think it will achieve the result you want, quickly and with the least amount of drama.
I am so, so sorry that you are in this situation. You deserve better, and I wish you the best of luck, however you choose to handle this.
posted by hypotheticole at 1:15 PM on June 14, 2012 [7 favorites]
Yeah, there are reasons not to lie; it's a parachute that some people might welcome, but others, no. If that's not for you, it's not.
As far as being singled out ... sometimes, I think it's worth asking for what you need in order to be happy and feel safe. Sometimes, there will be somebody who doesn't like it. It's really tough, but sometimes you do have needs that you need to articulate, I think.
Here's a question to consider: If they were making someone else -- someone you loved -- feel as bad as you're feeling now, would you stay quiet to remain part of the group? Would you tell the other person that they should? If not, why are you not entitled to the same care for your needs that you would give to someone you loved?
posted by Linda_Holmes at 1:23 PM on June 14, 2012
As far as being singled out ... sometimes, I think it's worth asking for what you need in order to be happy and feel safe. Sometimes, there will be somebody who doesn't like it. It's really tough, but sometimes you do have needs that you need to articulate, I think.
Here's a question to consider: If they were making someone else -- someone you loved -- feel as bad as you're feeling now, would you stay quiet to remain part of the group? Would you tell the other person that they should? If not, why are you not entitled to the same care for your needs that you would give to someone you loved?
posted by Linda_Holmes at 1:23 PM on June 14, 2012
You cannot fix this situation without speaking up.
It sounds like you feel that escalating this beyond politely asking the offenders to stop the behavior will make you someone who needs to be handled specially. Since you have done that and it has changed nothing, you must escalate it to the lab manager, the scientist in charge, a person of authority in the department, or someone at the university level (dean of students if you are a student at that school, or human resources). You must file a complaint in order to have this stop.
I apologize for the bluntness of this statement, but you must choose between living with this for the remainder of your time in that lab, or taking your complaint up the chain of command. You might also consider visiting the university's student health center and speaking to someone in the mental health team. They may know of other resources on campus that can help you address the effects of your traumatic experience in terms of your work environment.
I am sorry that you are going through this. I have also been in a work situation with people who poke and surprise and startle, and my boss was one of them.
posted by catlet at 1:25 PM on June 14, 2012
It sounds like you feel that escalating this beyond politely asking the offenders to stop the behavior will make you someone who needs to be handled specially. Since you have done that and it has changed nothing, you must escalate it to the lab manager, the scientist in charge, a person of authority in the department, or someone at the university level (dean of students if you are a student at that school, or human resources). You must file a complaint in order to have this stop.
I apologize for the bluntness of this statement, but you must choose between living with this for the remainder of your time in that lab, or taking your complaint up the chain of command. You might also consider visiting the university's student health center and speaking to someone in the mental health team. They may know of other resources on campus that can help you address the effects of your traumatic experience in terms of your work environment.
I am sorry that you are going through this. I have also been in a work situation with people who poke and surprise and startle, and my boss was one of them.
posted by catlet at 1:25 PM on June 14, 2012
You are singling yourself out by having different boundaries than most people at the lab. This doesn't mean your boundaries are wrong, at all, but most people are okay with someone coming up from behind and tapping them on the shoulder to ask a question. Not everyone is, and those who aren't have multiple reasons to not be, but mostly people are okay with it, and mostly people (in the culture where your lab is) think it's acceptable.
So you don't get both. You either get to ask them not to do it or you get to be not different. Both choices are fine choices, but they are mutually exclusive, which is an unfortunate thing.
Assuming you want to not be different in this respect, you should try to ask trusted loved ones to help get you used to this as well as speak to a therapist. (You should probably do this whether or not you decide to change things up in the lab.)
Assuming you want them to just stop startling you, you need to go to a higher level. The lab supervisor, the student ombudsman, whoever, and ask them to get the other people in the lab to stop, especially to stop doing it as a joke. You can also try to switch benches so that you are somewhere that people generally have to walk in front of you to get to you. If your back is to a wall, people have more trouble coming up from behind. Or you can accidentally hit them or accidentally spill non-harmful but smelly stuff on them when you are startled or scream.
posted by jeather at 1:26 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
So you don't get both. You either get to ask them not to do it or you get to be not different. Both choices are fine choices, but they are mutually exclusive, which is an unfortunate thing.
Assuming you want to not be different in this respect, you should try to ask trusted loved ones to help get you used to this as well as speak to a therapist. (You should probably do this whether or not you decide to change things up in the lab.)
Assuming you want them to just stop startling you, you need to go to a higher level. The lab supervisor, the student ombudsman, whoever, and ask them to get the other people in the lab to stop, especially to stop doing it as a joke. You can also try to switch benches so that you are somewhere that people generally have to walk in front of you to get to you. If your back is to a wall, people have more trouble coming up from behind. Or you can accidentally hit them or accidentally spill non-harmful but smelly stuff on them when you are startled or scream.
posted by jeather at 1:26 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Assuming the colleagues are coming over because they need information or help from you,know what I would do?
Jerk: Boo! Haha!
Me: I asked you before to NEVER do that to me.
Me: Locks computer via keyboard
Me: Stands up and walks away for 5 or 10 minutes
Jerk: Is left holding nothing but air.
Each time these idiots do that to you, tell them to never do it, lock your machine, get up and walk away, going into the bathroom if they walk with you. If these jerks are just coming over for no reason to do it, it won't work as well. But if they are coming over and doing it for no reason, then barring the violent reaction, ask to move. If (the friend) can't move, then start modifying the physical environment. Get a different chair, do the noise reduction thing, get one of those chirpy toys that makes noise when there is motion.
But seriously, I'd try some of this stuff for a week, and then either retaliate or escalate to HR. I'd never ever just "live with it". Screw that noise.
As a side suggestion, maybe you can parlay this into being able to work from home? (if you desire such a thing.)
posted by cashman at 1:30 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Jerk: Boo! Haha!
Me: I asked you before to NEVER do that to me.
Me: Locks computer via keyboard
Me: Stands up and walks away for 5 or 10 minutes
Jerk: Is left holding nothing but air.
Each time these idiots do that to you, tell them to never do it, lock your machine, get up and walk away, going into the bathroom if they walk with you. If these jerks are just coming over for no reason to do it, it won't work as well. But if they are coming over and doing it for no reason, then barring the violent reaction, ask to move. If (the friend) can't move, then start modifying the physical environment. Get a different chair, do the noise reduction thing, get one of those chirpy toys that makes noise when there is motion.
But seriously, I'd try some of this stuff for a week, and then either retaliate or escalate to HR. I'd never ever just "live with it". Screw that noise.
As a side suggestion, maybe you can parlay this into being able to work from home? (if you desire such a thing.)
posted by cashman at 1:30 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
I really don't like being singled out.
This justification never works for getting what you want. Own the fact that they have to treat you differently.
Besides, you are the trying to get research done, here, not "the team." It's for you. You are in that lab this summer for yourself. Thus you are the one who has to establish what the terms of how you're going to relate to the rest of the lab.
posted by deanc at 1:33 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
This justification never works for getting what you want. Own the fact that they have to treat you differently.
Besides, you are the trying to get research done, here, not "the team." It's for you. You are in that lab this summer for yourself. Thus you are the one who has to establish what the terms of how you're going to relate to the rest of the lab.
posted by deanc at 1:33 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
My goal is to become part of the group, not someone who needs to be handled specially.
Within the terms of the hostile circumstances that your colleagues have created (and please note that THEY have created these circumstances, not you), the only way for you to become part of the group at this point is to somehow magically lose your traumatized response to being startled. But by definition this can't happen, because you have been traumatized. The problem is not with your reaction, it's with their behavior. You cannot stop your reaction. They have so far been unwilling to modify their behavior on their own. Therefore intervention is necessary to force them to modify their behavior.
Escalating to your boss (or to HR, or wherever you need to go) is not creating a situation in which you are being singled out for special treatment. Indeed, it is precisely the opposite: it creates the means by which you are no longer being singled out for special (if negative) treatment.
posted by scody at 1:35 PM on June 14, 2012 [5 favorites]
Within the terms of the hostile circumstances that your colleagues have created (and please note that THEY have created these circumstances, not you), the only way for you to become part of the group at this point is to somehow magically lose your traumatized response to being startled. But by definition this can't happen, because you have been traumatized. The problem is not with your reaction, it's with their behavior. You cannot stop your reaction. They have so far been unwilling to modify their behavior on their own. Therefore intervention is necessary to force them to modify their behavior.
Escalating to your boss (or to HR, or wherever you need to go) is not creating a situation in which you are being singled out for special treatment. Indeed, it is precisely the opposite: it creates the means by which you are no longer being singled out for special (if negative) treatment.
posted by scody at 1:35 PM on June 14, 2012 [5 favorites]
Sorry your friend is going through this. While I would agree with the people who say that your friend needs to speak up to a supervisor or HR (or ombudsman), as a stopgap measure I can say that I once had a strategically placed CD propped on my desk in such a way that it worked like a rear-view mirror without being quite so conspicuous or obvious. It wasn't perfect, but it gave just enough of a signal that I'd notice movement in it out of the corner of my eye before someone came up from behind me. Maybe your friend could try something like that, positioning some sort of reflective object that would not be out of place in their lab?
posted by DingoMutt at 1:37 PM on June 14, 2012
posted by DingoMutt at 1:37 PM on June 14, 2012
3) I really don't like being singled out. I'm already the only student from a different university, different country. My goal is to become part of the group, not someone who needs to be handled specially.
Sorry, but your friend does need to be handled specially. And that's not a bad thing -- people in wheelchairs need their workplaces not to be accessible only via stairs, women in workplaces need bathrooms they can use without men walking in, and a hundred other things that are reasonable accommodations for being outside the norm. It's not a weakness or a defect, it's just a difference, and it's a difference that other people are using to cause her physical trauma. Accommodating it won't require renovation of an historic building or any inconvenience to anyone -- just not being dicks.
posted by Etrigan at 1:48 PM on June 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
Sorry, but your friend does need to be handled specially. And that's not a bad thing -- people in wheelchairs need their workplaces not to be accessible only via stairs, women in workplaces need bathrooms they can use without men walking in, and a hundred other things that are reasonable accommodations for being outside the norm. It's not a weakness or a defect, it's just a difference, and it's a difference that other people are using to cause her physical trauma. Accommodating it won't require renovation of an historic building or any inconvenience to anyone -- just not being dicks.
posted by Etrigan at 1:48 PM on June 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
I sympathize with the desire to not stand out and not make trouble in spite of being incapable of just blending in due to circumstances (in this case, from a different country, etc). Most likely, this extremely bad behavior is rooted in a desire to reach out and touch her emotionally. Getting a rise out of her is about emotional contact. Some things that have at times helped me:
Quietly tell people things one-on-one. For me, it was divulging info about my medical situation, which made them feel all Special and so forth. They had no idea what a big blabbermouth I am online and that the info I shared was extremely superficial in my book. So I did not feel like my privacy was invaded but it made them all glowy, which helped.
Satisfy their curiosity about her cultural differences and so forth. People are often just trying to wrap their brain around something "different" and it doesn't occur to them how badly they are behaving. Tell general things about the culture without getting too personal.
Wear "cutesy" clothes if the dress code allows it. I stumbled across this accidentally very recently. I was wearing a sweatshirt with Tweety Bird on it and people would gush at me about how they loved my shirt. I concluded it was really an excuse to talk to me, but it was far more comfortable than when people say they love my hair or I am so pretty, etc. It takes the focus off me personally but satisfies their emotional hunger to reach out and touch me. I have since made a conscious effort to wear "conversation starter" clothes in order to deflect attention away from me personally and towards something innocuous.
But I would also document the hell out of these incidents in case it needed to go to HR or court.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 1:55 PM on June 14, 2012
Quietly tell people things one-on-one. For me, it was divulging info about my medical situation, which made them feel all Special and so forth. They had no idea what a big blabbermouth I am online and that the info I shared was extremely superficial in my book. So I did not feel like my privacy was invaded but it made them all glowy, which helped.
Satisfy their curiosity about her cultural differences and so forth. People are often just trying to wrap their brain around something "different" and it doesn't occur to them how badly they are behaving. Tell general things about the culture without getting too personal.
Wear "cutesy" clothes if the dress code allows it. I stumbled across this accidentally very recently. I was wearing a sweatshirt with Tweety Bird on it and people would gush at me about how they loved my shirt. I concluded it was really an excuse to talk to me, but it was far more comfortable than when people say they love my hair or I am so pretty, etc. It takes the focus off me personally but satisfies their emotional hunger to reach out and touch me. I have since made a conscious effort to wear "conversation starter" clothes in order to deflect attention away from me personally and towards something innocuous.
But I would also document the hell out of these incidents in case it needed to go to HR or court.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 1:55 PM on June 14, 2012
first of all do not tell anyone at your work that you were assaulted or refer to yourself as a trauma victim at work. that is your business and none of their's and it would appear strange and unprofessional to use that as an excuse.
you're working in a lab and i don't know what kind of work you do but i imagine it involves pipettes and measuring stuff exactly and all of that. So, tell them not to do it anymore because you don't want to jump and make a mistake.
if they don't listen go to your boss and say the same thing and tell him you already asked them to stop and they didn't listen and besides with its irritating and immature. and if that doesn't work just call hr. if that doesn't work, call hr again and tell them there was another occurance. if that doesn't work tell them that you can't do your work because of this and you're quitting.
posted by skwint at 2:06 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
you're working in a lab and i don't know what kind of work you do but i imagine it involves pipettes and measuring stuff exactly and all of that. So, tell them not to do it anymore because you don't want to jump and make a mistake.
if they don't listen go to your boss and say the same thing and tell him you already asked them to stop and they didn't listen and besides with its irritating and immature. and if that doesn't work just call hr. if that doesn't work, call hr again and tell them there was another occurance. if that doesn't work tell them that you can't do your work because of this and you're quitting.
posted by skwint at 2:06 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Unfortunately some of them think its fun to playfully come up and put their hands on my shoulders unexpectedly, and even sometimes say "boo".
UGH this is fucking awful. I would be so tempted to fake terrifying chest pains/asthma attack/whatevs and collapse right then and there. This is honestly bordering on assault, no matter what gender these people are, and I would absolutely take it up with a supervisor or the equivalent of HR.
Not sure what kind of lab it is, but what if you were holding something breakable and injured yourself? What if an expensive piece of lab equipment got broken? (I don't mean you should do this on purpose, I mean point this out to the supervisor/HR person to remind them that there are legit liability issues here.)
on preview - it would appear strange and unprofessional to use that as an excuse - this is so untrue, oh my god. If the OP's friend was a military veteran with wartime PTSD, would you give the same advice?
posted by elizardbits at 2:11 PM on June 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
UGH this is fucking awful. I would be so tempted to fake terrifying chest pains/asthma attack/whatevs and collapse right then and there. This is honestly bordering on assault, no matter what gender these people are, and I would absolutely take it up with a supervisor or the equivalent of HR.
Not sure what kind of lab it is, but what if you were holding something breakable and injured yourself? What if an expensive piece of lab equipment got broken? (I don't mean you should do this on purpose, I mean point this out to the supervisor/HR person to remind them that there are legit liability issues here.)
on preview - it would appear strange and unprofessional to use that as an excuse - this is so untrue, oh my god. If the OP's friend was a military veteran with wartime PTSD, would you give the same advice?
posted by elizardbits at 2:11 PM on June 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
All the advice to hit them "accidentally" seems horrible. Please do not hit them on purpose. It would be a difficult thing for me to do, and I wouldn't want to have to do it to get my point across. Plus, breaking someone's nose could be very serious.
What I would do (and have done) is made up a story. Once I said that I was mugged by someone who came up from behind me, and I have a strong physiological reaction to being surprised like that, which can make me cry or throw up or have an "attack," which involved inability to breathe and medication. None of that is true, but it stopped them. I don't know how assholish your coworkers are exactly, though.
Getting a higher-up involved might also be a good option.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:12 PM on June 14, 2012
What I would do (and have done) is made up a story. Once I said that I was mugged by someone who came up from behind me, and I have a strong physiological reaction to being surprised like that, which can make me cry or throw up or have an "attack," which involved inability to breathe and medication. None of that is true, but it stopped them. I don't know how assholish your coworkers are exactly, though.
Getting a higher-up involved might also be a good option.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:12 PM on June 14, 2012
Oops, I'm sorry for the advice to lie, I did ctrl+f for your username but didn't see your last update.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:13 PM on June 14, 2012
posted by stoneandstar at 2:13 PM on June 14, 2012
2nding going to the boss. Tell them that for reasons you really would find difficult to explain, you need to not have people sneak up behind you because it is a huge trigger for you psychologically. Don't lie. They don't want to hear about what happened to you any more than you want to tell them.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:29 PM on June 14, 2012
posted by Ironmouth at 2:29 PM on June 14, 2012
first of all do not tell anyone at your work that you were assaulted or refer to yourself as a trauma victim at work. that is your business and none of their's and it would appear strange and unprofessional to use that as an excuse.
Sorry, but no. The only thing that is strange and unprofessional is sneaking up on a coworker and scaring them for lulz. If the OP wants her attack to remain a secret, then she is entirely within her rights to do so. If the OP feels that the only way to make this stop is to inform the perpetrators that she has a very serious reason for not wanting to be frightened, then she is entirely within her rights to do so.
posted by gatorae at 2:39 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Sorry, but no. The only thing that is strange and unprofessional is sneaking up on a coworker and scaring them for lulz. If the OP wants her attack to remain a secret, then she is entirely within her rights to do so. If the OP feels that the only way to make this stop is to inform the perpetrators that she has a very serious reason for not wanting to be frightened, then she is entirely within her rights to do so.
posted by gatorae at 2:39 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
1) The joking part is definitely annoying and problematic but its not the only issue. They also pop up innocently when they need something and its just as triggering.
You've been through a traumatic experience, and obviously the "joke" surprises are completely unacceptable and are grounds for escalation.
But you should also realize that the innocent surprises are probably not going to stop. Most likely these people have been going their entire lives without even considering the possibility that an announcement or noise may be a prerequisite for approaching a co-worker to ask a question. Regardless of whether they understand your situation, they're going to forget, and they're going to forget a LOT, especially when they are focused on work. In a few months you might finally beat the habit into them, but that doesn't help you much in a summer position.
You can get the jokes to stop pretty quickly with some escalation, but you need to change your location if you want the rest to stop. The only way to avoid being surprised is to not be in a position with a blind spot.
posted by chundo at 2:41 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
You've been through a traumatic experience, and obviously the "joke" surprises are completely unacceptable and are grounds for escalation.
But you should also realize that the innocent surprises are probably not going to stop. Most likely these people have been going their entire lives without even considering the possibility that an announcement or noise may be a prerequisite for approaching a co-worker to ask a question. Regardless of whether they understand your situation, they're going to forget, and they're going to forget a LOT, especially when they are focused on work. In a few months you might finally beat the habit into them, but that doesn't help you much in a summer position.
You can get the jokes to stop pretty quickly with some escalation, but you need to change your location if you want the rest to stop. The only way to avoid being surprised is to not be in a position with a blind spot.
posted by chundo at 2:41 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
skwint: first of all do not tell anyone at your work that you were assaulted or refer to yourself as a trauma victim at work. that is your business and none of their's and it would appear strange and unprofessional to use that as an excuse.
I strongly disagree with this. She would not be randomly volunteering the information that she was a trauma victim, without a clear reason. There is a reason for the information to be divulged. It's an explanation of why she is making the (very reasonable) request that her coworkers (1) approach her lab station within her view so as not to startle her, and (2) stop startling her on purpose for their own amusement.
To characterize it as "strange and unprofessional" and an "excuse" ... I resent that, and I think that anybody who has any experience with trauma resents that too.
posted by hypotheticole at 2:41 PM on June 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
I strongly disagree with this. She would not be randomly volunteering the information that she was a trauma victim, without a clear reason. There is a reason for the information to be divulged. It's an explanation of why she is making the (very reasonable) request that her coworkers (1) approach her lab station within her view so as not to startle her, and (2) stop startling her on purpose for their own amusement.
To characterize it as "strange and unprofessional" and an "excuse" ... I resent that, and I think that anybody who has any experience with trauma resents that too.
posted by hypotheticole at 2:41 PM on June 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
This is an awful position to be in, but I agree with hypotheticole. While these coworkers are being total jerks, to them this probably just seems like a peculiar quirk of yours. The reason why you are quick to startle, however, puts it an entirely different context, which will most likely get them to stop immediately without resenting you or finding other ways to torment you. You are perfectly within your rights to go to HR, but if you do not disclose to them why, they may not take it seriously and/or your coworkers, who do not know why this matters so much, will probably be peeved you took it to that level.
That said, there is no reason for you to reveal you were sexually assaulted, and while the terminology of "trauma" is more neutral and doesn't necessarily refer to sexual assault, that's the first thing I think of when I hear it. I think saying you were assaulted or even mugged might allow you the privacy you rightly want while driving home the seriousness of the situation. Wanting people to respect your boundaries is completely reasonable, but people are more likely to respect those boundaries when they know they are rooted in something serious. It's not fair or right, but if the goal is to get them to stop while maintaining harmony in your workplace, disclosing you were attacked in some way is probably your best bet. However you decide to handle this, good luck to you and I hope this situation gets better soon.
posted by katemcd at 3:11 PM on June 14, 2012
That said, there is no reason for you to reveal you were sexually assaulted, and while the terminology of "trauma" is more neutral and doesn't necessarily refer to sexual assault, that's the first thing I think of when I hear it. I think saying you were assaulted or even mugged might allow you the privacy you rightly want while driving home the seriousness of the situation. Wanting people to respect your boundaries is completely reasonable, but people are more likely to respect those boundaries when they know they are rooted in something serious. It's not fair or right, but if the goal is to get them to stop while maintaining harmony in your workplace, disclosing you were attacked in some way is probably your best bet. However you decide to handle this, good luck to you and I hope this situation gets better soon.
posted by katemcd at 3:11 PM on June 14, 2012
If you want unusual accommodation - something outside the norm of being able to tap someone on the shoulder over the course of a long working relationship - then you need to explain why you are justified in requesting the accommodation. Otherwise you are presenting yourself as weird, finicky and high maintenance, and that is not going to help you professionally or socially.
Over the course of a few days, confide the explanation - you can be vague, like "I was attacked and badly traumatized" - to your colleagues individually, along with the request that they help you out by only approaching you from the front. Do the same thing with the lab manager, along with a request to move your seat to the spot with the best visibility, back against the wall if possible.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:13 PM on June 14, 2012
Over the course of a few days, confide the explanation - you can be vague, like "I was attacked and badly traumatized" - to your colleagues individually, along with the request that they help you out by only approaching you from the front. Do the same thing with the lab manager, along with a request to move your seat to the spot with the best visibility, back against the wall if possible.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:13 PM on June 14, 2012
As a fellow trauma survivor, I totally understand not wanting to be singled out or given "special" treatment. Sadly, most people just do not get triggers unless they're told quite plainly that, as a trauma survivor, you've got 'em.
Telling one or two people (perhaps starting with the prof, or a sympathetic colleague) about your trauma history is really the only way of getting the point across in this situation. It's very common for people to think it's funny to sneak up on someone -- and if you're not a trauma survivor, it might be funny.
I found that those rearview monitor mirrors really helped back when I was having serious problems with hyper-arousal and exaggerated startle responses. The mirrors were helpful not because I looked in them all the time, but because I had two, one on each side of the monitor, and people would ask, "Why do you have two rearview mirrors on your monitor?" It was a conversation starter more than an actual safety tool.
Again, I know there's this feeling of not wanting to draw attention to yourself or not wanting to be known as "that trauma survivor." I used to think people would see me as weak, or worse, think I was strong just because I had been through a bad thing. But what's actually strong is letting people know about your needs. It takes chutzpah to draw a line and say, "This must not be crossed."
Good luck, and (non-sneaky) hugs to you.
posted by brina at 3:15 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Telling one or two people (perhaps starting with the prof, or a sympathetic colleague) about your trauma history is really the only way of getting the point across in this situation. It's very common for people to think it's funny to sneak up on someone -- and if you're not a trauma survivor, it might be funny.
I found that those rearview monitor mirrors really helped back when I was having serious problems with hyper-arousal and exaggerated startle responses. The mirrors were helpful not because I looked in them all the time, but because I had two, one on each side of the monitor, and people would ask, "Why do you have two rearview mirrors on your monitor?" It was a conversation starter more than an actual safety tool.
Again, I know there's this feeling of not wanting to draw attention to yourself or not wanting to be known as "that trauma survivor." I used to think people would see me as weak, or worse, think I was strong just because I had been through a bad thing. But what's actually strong is letting people know about your needs. It takes chutzpah to draw a line and say, "This must not be crossed."
Good luck, and (non-sneaky) hugs to you.
posted by brina at 3:15 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
You might try putting it on them. "What can I do in order to get this behavior to stop?" Then just look at them, and don't say anything else. Just wait in silence. If they try to bluster out of it like "Well, just don't be so sensitive, blah blah blah" then you respond "That's not what I asked. I asked how to get you to stop doing this. I'm willing to work with you in whatever fashion will get this problem solved, but I need you to stop doing this. So how can we make that happen?"
posted by KathrynT at 3:16 PM on June 14, 2012 [16 favorites]
posted by KathrynT at 3:16 PM on June 14, 2012 [16 favorites]
You have to make it absolutely clear to these jerks that this is serious, and you are serious. Mention the assault. Embarrass them. Say "Look, I am not pissing around here. This really upsets me and you need to understand that and stop it. If you do not, this will become an HR issue. All I am asking from you is the basic civility and respect to listen to me and act appropriately. If you refuse to take my request seriously it becomes bullying and I will take all necessary steps to stop it. Are we clear?"
When people refuse to take you seriously, you have to make them. Even if it causes tension.
posted by Decani at 3:24 PM on June 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
When people refuse to take you seriously, you have to make them. Even if it causes tension.
posted by Decani at 3:24 PM on June 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
It's long past due for a paper trail. Do you have a diagnosis from a treating physician or therapist? Are you willing to put your entire story in writing to HR and work with them on both finding a reasonable accommodation and addressing your hostile work environment?
Ultimately, this is not a job you want to be at for too much longer. It's would not be a "win" for the bullies but rather a necessary measure to protect your health and safety.
posted by moammargaret at 4:32 PM on June 14, 2012
Ultimately, this is not a job you want to be at for too much longer. It's would not be a "win" for the bullies but rather a necessary measure to protect your health and safety.
posted by moammargaret at 4:32 PM on June 14, 2012
You say your friend is from a different university and country than their coworkers. Is this friend, by any chance, the only one of their race/ethnicity and/or gender in the lab, as well? Are their coworkers from a culture that doesn't take to "outsiders" easily, or to someone of the particular race/ethnicity/gender/religion/etc. that your friend represents?
I wonder if this might be part of the problem - the cow-irkers, who are huge jerks and are engaging in harassment, have seized upon your friend's startle response as a way to haze friend for being an "outsider?" I mention this because it might not be about your friend's being easily startled per se but because their coworkers want to gang up on "the outsider." Your friend might be being mobbed, which is a concerted group bullying directed toward a particular person with the aim of driving them out of the workplace. And this sucks.
If I were your friend, I would document, take copious notes, and escalate to HR, to the professor in charge, to an ombudsman, anyone and everyone who has the power to intervene. Your friend should go calmly, notes in hand, and explain what is happening. They should not worry about "making a scene" or "demanding special treatment." Your friend is demanding that their coworkers treat them with basic human decency - which really shouldn't be hard for them to grasp.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 4:34 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
I wonder if this might be part of the problem - the cow-irkers, who are huge jerks and are engaging in harassment, have seized upon your friend's startle response as a way to haze friend for being an "outsider?" I mention this because it might not be about your friend's being easily startled per se but because their coworkers want to gang up on "the outsider." Your friend might be being mobbed, which is a concerted group bullying directed toward a particular person with the aim of driving them out of the workplace. And this sucks.
If I were your friend, I would document, take copious notes, and escalate to HR, to the professor in charge, to an ombudsman, anyone and everyone who has the power to intervene. Your friend should go calmly, notes in hand, and explain what is happening. They should not worry about "making a scene" or "demanding special treatment." Your friend is demanding that their coworkers treat them with basic human decency - which really shouldn't be hard for them to grasp.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 4:34 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
There is zero need to give everyone who scares you (intentionally or not) a lecture. Kindly and firmly ask them to please stop and that you do not like to be scared. End of story.
posted by Bun Surnt at 5:12 PM on June 14, 2012
posted by Bun Surnt at 5:12 PM on June 14, 2012
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.
Could you put up a sign somewhere obvious that reminds them not to do this? Then, if they do do this, whether on accident or on purpose, point to the sign (And perhaps otherwise completely do not engage with them until they come up to you with warning).
Also, is there any way to move the furniture such that the only thing behind you is a wall and there is no way to sneak up on you? I know you don't want to make a fuss and moving furniture might seem fussy, but it's one-time fuss and would probably be promptly forgotten about.
posted by freezer cake at 5:24 PM on June 14, 2012
Could you put up a sign somewhere obvious that reminds them not to do this? Then, if they do do this, whether on accident or on purpose, point to the sign (And perhaps otherwise completely do not engage with them until they come up to you with warning).
Also, is there any way to move the furniture such that the only thing behind you is a wall and there is no way to sneak up on you? I know you don't want to make a fuss and moving furniture might seem fussy, but it's one-time fuss and would probably be promptly forgotten about.
posted by freezer cake at 5:24 PM on June 14, 2012
Could you put up a sign somewhere obvious that reminds them not to do this?
I was just coming here to suggest the same thing, can you put a sign on the back of your chair? "I startle easily, please announce yourself!"
I sneak up on people sometimes. I find it funny when people do this to me and the people I sneak up on usually seem to find it funny too. I genuinely might forget that you asked me not to do it - not out of malice, just because it's not something I think about, I just do it. (lots of people in my family / social circles do too, so it seems normal to me) If you asked me not to do this then I'd do my best to remember, and a sign to remind me would be awesome. (I'm horribly forgetful)
Honestly, I think most people (myself included) would be mortified if they realised they were causing you so much stress over something that probably seems like no big deal to them.
If that doesn't stop it, go to HR. Anyone who ignores a poilte, friendly note on the back of your chair and continues to startle you is someone that you should go to HR about.
posted by rubyrudy at 5:45 PM on June 14, 2012
I was just coming here to suggest the same thing, can you put a sign on the back of your chair? "I startle easily, please announce yourself!"
I sneak up on people sometimes. I find it funny when people do this to me and the people I sneak up on usually seem to find it funny too. I genuinely might forget that you asked me not to do it - not out of malice, just because it's not something I think about, I just do it. (lots of people in my family / social circles do too, so it seems normal to me) If you asked me not to do this then I'd do my best to remember, and a sign to remind me would be awesome. (I'm horribly forgetful)
Honestly, I think most people (myself included) would be mortified if they realised they were causing you so much stress over something that probably seems like no big deal to them.
If that doesn't stop it, go to HR. Anyone who ignores a poilte, friendly note on the back of your chair and continues to startle you is someone that you should go to HR about.
posted by rubyrudy at 5:45 PM on June 14, 2012
Unfortunately some of them think its fun to playfully come up and put their hands on my shoulders unexpectedly, and even sometimes say "boo."So, wait, hang on. You say you've told these people to stop touching you? And yet they continue touching your body without your consent? In ways that make you uncomfortable?
Yes, tell HR what you just told us and you'll have their undivided attention. A less reasonable person would have sued for sexual harrassment by now.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:47 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you want to go the official escalation route, you've got plenty of solid advice on how to do that. That has its own risks, of course, and you're probably right to be worried that it could throw up a social barrier between you and your collegues.
If you want to keep it informal, the only thing I would add is this --- I think one of the keys may be to first convince yourself that you deserve thus respect. In order to get people to knock off teasing you, you have to be able to project a certain level of "do not fuck with me"-ness. If you approach this as something you're asking of them, it won't work, because that "hey, guys, c'mon, will you knock it off" tack only works if they already like and respect you and have a certain amount of affection for you. It's you asking and them acceding to your request. It's tempting to go that way, because you want them to like you, but I don't think it will work.
In this circumstance it's got to be you telling. You ever see The Devil Wears Prada? Miranda Priestly is basically what you want, here. She never raises her voice and you don't have to either. The next time somebody does this, you stop dead, you keep your back turned, and you pause and collect yourself for as long as you need. As long as you want. Make 'em wait. And then you turn slowly, at your own pace, and stare. Stare until they start to squirm. If they start to talk you, throw up a finger. And when you're absolutly sure you've got their attention, you say, quietly --- "You don't know me. And you don't know why that bothers me. But it does. Do not do it again. Right now we have a good working relationship. If you startle me like that again, we will not."
posted by Diablevert at 5:56 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
If you want to keep it informal, the only thing I would add is this --- I think one of the keys may be to first convince yourself that you deserve thus respect. In order to get people to knock off teasing you, you have to be able to project a certain level of "do not fuck with me"-ness. If you approach this as something you're asking of them, it won't work, because that "hey, guys, c'mon, will you knock it off" tack only works if they already like and respect you and have a certain amount of affection for you. It's you asking and them acceding to your request. It's tempting to go that way, because you want them to like you, but I don't think it will work.
In this circumstance it's got to be you telling. You ever see The Devil Wears Prada? Miranda Priestly is basically what you want, here. She never raises her voice and you don't have to either. The next time somebody does this, you stop dead, you keep your back turned, and you pause and collect yourself for as long as you need. As long as you want. Make 'em wait. And then you turn slowly, at your own pace, and stare. Stare until they start to squirm. If they start to talk you, throw up a finger. And when you're absolutly sure you've got their attention, you say, quietly --- "You don't know me. And you don't know why that bothers me. But it does. Do not do it again. Right now we have a good working relationship. If you startle me like that again, we will not."
posted by Diablevert at 5:56 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
There is zero need to give everyone who scares you (intentionally or not) a lecture. Kindly and firmly ask them to please stop and that you do not like to be scared. End of story.
Uh, actually it's not the end of the story. Have you even read the post (and follow up)? The OP has been telling ppl to stop and it's not working; thus the question.
OP, this sucks. These ppl suck. You've done as much as you can on your own and if you really want it to stop, you do need to step it up and either tell your boss or HR. At this point, you're being harassed; you're already being singled out. Personally, if this was me and you worked in the kind of office I do, I'd say very seriously, "You need to cut this shit the fuck out or I will report you for harassment." But then again, I, fortunately, do not work with these kinds of fools.
posted by violetk at 8:22 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Uh, actually it's not the end of the story. Have you even read the post (and follow up)? The OP has been telling ppl to stop and it's not working; thus the question.
OP, this sucks. These ppl suck. You've done as much as you can on your own and if you really want it to stop, you do need to step it up and either tell your boss or HR. At this point, you're being harassed; you're already being singled out. Personally, if this was me and you worked in the kind of office I do, I'd say very seriously, "You need to cut this shit the fuck out or I will report you for harassment." But then again, I, fortunately, do not work with these kinds of fools.
posted by violetk at 8:22 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think they like getting a reaction from you. It's common and childish.
If you could not react at all, or react with casual sarcasm ("hilarious, did you learn that in fifth grade?" or "... oh, I get it, you're playing the same trick that three others already played on me. Looks like you're falling a little behind"), it might help.
You shouldn't have to deal with this, but others have already covered the HR angle.
posted by salvia at 10:23 PM on June 14, 2012
If you could not react at all, or react with casual sarcasm ("hilarious, did you learn that in fifth grade?" or "... oh, I get it, you're playing the same trick that three others already played on me. Looks like you're falling a little behind"), it might help.
You shouldn't have to deal with this, but others have already covered the HR angle.
posted by salvia at 10:23 PM on June 14, 2012
You absolutely do not have to explain yourself to your prof or anyone else. Go see HR. Tell them that you have a medical condition (PTSD is a medical condition; mental health is medical) that makes your work environment untenable. They may ask you to get a doctor's letter, or they may just work with you. Mirrors are a great idea; lots of people don't like to be startled. I don't know what your lab is like, but they may need to rearrange to accommodate you. Maybe a tall studio chair that has a footrest ring around the bottom would give you some physical space? Can you move to a different seat and still do your work? Or get a tall but not otherwise large pedestal table to put next to you as a buffer.
The people who do it intentionally are harassing you. Tell HR about it. But others are just going about their day. I know you don't want to be singled out. But. This happened to you & you have a genuine, valid need to have physical space and safety. If you treat it as a simple thing that's just 1 part of who you are, which it is, it will reduce the weirdness. If you get teased about accommodation, there should be swift consequences. The HR people are usually well-trained on this and will try to make it smooth, unobtrusive process. They are legally prohibited from sharing your personal data, esp. medical data, and they will be very cautious.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, and it sounds like you are coping incredibly well.
posted by theora55 at 10:23 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
The people who do it intentionally are harassing you. Tell HR about it. But others are just going about their day. I know you don't want to be singled out. But. This happened to you & you have a genuine, valid need to have physical space and safety. If you treat it as a simple thing that's just 1 part of who you are, which it is, it will reduce the weirdness. If you get teased about accommodation, there should be swift consequences. The HR people are usually well-trained on this and will try to make it smooth, unobtrusive process. They are legally prohibited from sharing your personal data, esp. medical data, and they will be very cautious.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, and it sounds like you are coping incredibly well.
posted by theora55 at 10:23 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Nth'ing hypotheticole, cashman, and KathrynT's suggestions to be direct. However, one other stunt might suit: Buy a cheap mug; choose a unique one and tell people it's so special to you. Fill it with water and position it near the edge of your lab bench towards the direction people will approach from. When someone startles you, flail, and knock the mug onto the person. They'll get wet, and maybe the mug will break. Make them pay for the mug - it's irreplacable, priceless. Buy another $1 mug; repeat as necessary.
But hypotheticole, cashman, and KathrynT's suggested techniques to be direct will serve you well in many situations throughout life.
posted by at at 11:28 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
But hypotheticole, cashman, and KathrynT's suggested techniques to be direct will serve you well in many situations throughout life.
posted by at at 11:28 PM on June 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Buy them all bells and tell them that if they can't act like decent human beings, they can at least give you some warning.
Or a bell on a door.
Or crinkly stuff on the floor.
Some aural warning. It may still freak you out but it's not as bad for me if there's a definite warning sound (as opposed to SOMEONE RIGHT THERE FUCK HELP FUCK CHRIST JESUS wait it's you, workmate, GODDAMNIT STOP DOING THAT).
My husband will still accidentally ninja step behind me and scare me. He never does it on purpose now, but his immediate reaction is to laugh, even knowing that it's a trauma response. He is always concerned but his immediate reaction is laughter - I think it's to try and lighten the mood. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but it's still his initial reaction mostly. He always checks in to make sure I'm okay, he's just laughing or trying not to as he does it.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:48 AM on June 15, 2012
Or a bell on a door.
Or crinkly stuff on the floor.
Some aural warning. It may still freak you out but it's not as bad for me if there's a definite warning sound (as opposed to SOMEONE RIGHT THERE FUCK HELP FUCK CHRIST JESUS wait it's you, workmate, GODDAMNIT STOP DOING THAT).
My husband will still accidentally ninja step behind me and scare me. He never does it on purpose now, but his immediate reaction is to laugh, even knowing that it's a trauma response. He is always concerned but his immediate reaction is laughter - I think it's to try and lighten the mood. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but it's still his initial reaction mostly. He always checks in to make sure I'm okay, he's just laughing or trying not to as he does it.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:48 AM on June 15, 2012
Wow that sucks. I had a problem with that a long time ago; I solved it with flail-y elbows and a mirror. Here is a motion-sensor frog that makes a croaking noise. Cheap at fourteen bucks. Oh and don't forget to grab a tube of Superglue, because if they're getting that much douchey thrill from startling your friend, an unsecured frog is likely to mysteriously hop away.
and yes, she should be escalating this up the hierarchy as far as necessary! Especially since this is an academic setting, it's time for the proverbial "teachable moment."
posted by mimi at 6:26 AM on June 15, 2012
and yes, she should be escalating this up the hierarchy as far as necessary! Especially since this is an academic setting, it's time for the proverbial "teachable moment."
posted by mimi at 6:26 AM on June 15, 2012
Just a follow-up to my earlier post - the reason I suggest going to HR and/or the professor in charge of the lab is that I surmise this might be a bigger issue than the OP's friend's labmates provoking a startle reaction out of Friend for kicks and giggles. Because, seriously, this is the sort of prank junior high school kids do! It's not something that anyone would consider normal among adults in a workplace, especially if Friend repeatedly told them to stop. That Friend kept on saying "stop" and the labmates essentially said "nanny nanny boo boo, you can't make us - MADE YOU JUMP, hee hee!" makes me think that deeper problems are afoot here.
Specifically, Friend being the only person of their nationality and only person from their university in the lab makes me think that the labmates have seized upon a way to gang up on the outsider in their midst and make their life miserable - perhaps even harass them into quitting, or, if not, at least letting Friend know that they don't belong there. Especially if Friend is the only woman, or only person of color, or only LGBT person, or belongs to an ethnic group or religion that the others are prejudiced against.
The way I see it, Friend is being excluded, picked on, and told through actions, "You don't belong here. We don't want you around." This is why I think Friend needs to escalate and kick up a fuss rather than keep quiet. If there is another outsider or person perceived as different in the same lab next year, how will they be treated? This should be a teachable moment - "just because someone isn't just like you, and is different in some way, doesn't mean you can gang up on them and bully them. Diverse workplaces are the norm these days. Deal."
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 12:35 PM on June 15, 2012
Specifically, Friend being the only person of their nationality and only person from their university in the lab makes me think that the labmates have seized upon a way to gang up on the outsider in their midst and make their life miserable - perhaps even harass them into quitting, or, if not, at least letting Friend know that they don't belong there. Especially if Friend is the only woman, or only person of color, or only LGBT person, or belongs to an ethnic group or religion that the others are prejudiced against.
The way I see it, Friend is being excluded, picked on, and told through actions, "You don't belong here. We don't want you around." This is why I think Friend needs to escalate and kick up a fuss rather than keep quiet. If there is another outsider or person perceived as different in the same lab next year, how will they be treated? This should be a teachable moment - "just because someone isn't just like you, and is different in some way, doesn't mean you can gang up on them and bully them. Diverse workplaces are the norm these days. Deal."
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 12:35 PM on June 15, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by beaucoupkevin at 12:22 PM on June 14, 2012 [3 favorites]