He loves me, he loves me not- what does love look like besides a petal-plucked flower.

June 1, 2012 8:56 AM

How do men act when they are in love with a woman?

I know that I'm asking people to make sweeping generalization, so if you feel more comfortable answering this question as the following, it's ok: what has a man being in love with a woman looked like from examples that you know of? don't know if it makes a difference, but as I'm looking for insights into my life, I'm referring to heterosexual man in love with heterosexual woman.

I was raised in South Asian culture where a lot of marriages (especially in the generation before mine) were arranged, and although I've certainly seen men in love with women, and experienced men in love with me, I have trouble understanding it. I have a man who seems in love with me now (fiance) and I feel like your input will help me value and understand his love better. What does love look like after a couple years? After a decade? What does it feel like? Is it always 'he will do anything in the whole world for her and move mountains' or can it be more selfish? Is it really a chemical thing inside the brain that has an expiration date of two years after start, as some say?

I'm not sure how to flush out this question fully so please feel free to ask me for clarification.

posted by saraindc to human relations (30 answers total)

The men I've known who were in love with women for a long time would not, in fact, move mountains. They, like the women, would do everything in their power to support and be good to their love. It was a chemical thing only in as much as they kept being good to each other and feeding their love with kindnesses. Helpful terms often used on metafilter include Limerance (for the bad kind of chemical infatuation) and Love Languages.
posted by ldthomps at 9:01 AM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

Where did he grow up? Where did you grow up? In my youthful experience, young men seemed to ape what they saw in the movies for how to romance a girl and picked up a lot their cues and understanding from the cinema/mass culture, particularly the use of songs to communicate etc This may not hold true for a) the current generation and b) depending on where they spent their teenage years etc as well as c) urban, rural or Tier 2/3 town :) I mean a chap from Kanpur will have an entirely different concept of marital love than a Malayalee.
posted by infini at 9:05 AM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

Not kidding: why do you care?
posted by jon1270 at 9:09 AM on June 1, 2012 [3 favorites]

Every man is going to express love differently. How my husband expresses his love for me is different than how my father expresses love for my mother, and different than how my brother in law expresses his love for my sister. Some are overt about it, some are vocal, and some prefer to let their actions speak for themselves.

There is a running joke in the family is that my father and mother do not show physical affection for one another in front of others, ever. It's just their way. They work as a unit, a well oiled machine, but they don't do the kissy-face. When my sister was married, the guests started clinking their glasses, shouting "Bernie and Ann! Bernie and Ann!". So Mom and Dad got up to kiss, and we had guests rush the head table to take a picture, as such a public display of affection on their part would likely never manifest again.
posted by LN at 9:16 AM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

Is it really a chemical thing inside the brain that has an expiration date of two years after start, as some say?

It is a chemical thing inside the brain, but that does not force it to have an expiration date.

There is no way to answer this question. It depends on too many factors. A man doesn't always act the same way every time he is in love; it will depend on the relationship, the woman, the circumstances, age, etc. If you're looking for a way to be "totally sure", you won't find it.
posted by spaltavian at 9:19 AM on June 1, 2012 [3 favorites]

Agree with above, that it could look very different depending on where you are and what cultural background the people involve are from. My north american/Canadian perspective may not hold water someplace else.

I'm a woman and my male partner and I were good friends before we became a couple. Our relationship and interaction has changed very little apart from now we kiss and have sex and hold hands. We still challenge each other and banter and joke and talk and frustrate the hell out of each other - basically interact the exact same way. He treats me no differently except now he calls me "hunners" when he is beating me at cards, and he puts his hand on my thigh while we're driving, and we end our evenings by sharing a bed. Truly. Some couples are fine with public displays of affection, others save it for when they are in private. That isn't necessarily a tell. To me, a man in love looks like a man spending time with his best friend. When it starts looking like something out of a movie, it starts feeling extremely insincere and fake. The casual comfort with the woman and the "normalness" of his behaviour is where I see love in people. I think of two of my close friends who are married and I think about how the men behave around their wives. It really is just very natural and best-friendy.
posted by gwenlister at 9:20 AM on June 1, 2012 [5 favorites]

Along the same lines as jon1270, what are you really asking? My guess, from the way you phrased your question, is some combination of:
- Does my fiance really love me? How can I tell?
- How can I learn to value my fiance's love?
- Do I have an unrealistic idea of what love is?

We can't answer #1.

As for #2 and #3, what would it mean to you to really feel loved? Are you getting that from your relationship with your fiance? What does he do that makes you feel loved? What do you do to make him feel loved?

To me, love means mutual respect, trust, and support, truly enjoying your partner's company, wanting to be physical with your partner, and treating your partner's needs and wants on the same level as your own. (But I've been married for a decade, so what you're looking for may be different.)
posted by chickenmagazine at 9:22 AM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

Infini- I actually grew up in the US, but with family and a lot of people around me being South Asian. He grew up in Turkey.

Jon- I care because understanding what 'being in love' looks like and feels like is harder for me since I haven't been surrounded by a lot of these relationships, and I want to understand how my fiance could be feeling, how much of how he acts is unique to him and how much is 'standard in love' behavior, how it might evolve, etc. I just don't have as natural as a grasp of these things.

I also don't naturally understand love from others. I'd like to understand it further.

I hope this makes some sense, if it doesn't, sorry....like I said, don't understand much to flush things out properly. There are certainly some useful answers so far. Thanks everyone!
posted by saraindc at 9:23 AM on June 1, 2012 [2 favorites]

My husband puts new wiper blades on my car so I will be safe and changes the cat litter because I don't like to.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:25 AM on June 1, 2012 [21 favorites]

Chickenmagazine- thanks. Those aren't really my questions, but you did answer my question with your final comment about what love is to you- I want people to tell me what love is for them, how it is they experience it. I gave background of why I want to know these things so that it's not so 'chat-filtery' because I don't need know this answer for a college thesis paper, but rather because I have trouble processing these things as naturally as others seem to. and i want insights that will help me with my relationships.
posted by saraindc at 9:25 AM on June 1, 2012

There are a few different things that we call "love". Limerance and obsession; romantic love; companionate love. They look different.

Limerance and obsession: dude will be miserable and not able to eat, work, sleep because he's thinking about the woman and will make poor decisions in order to see her. Talks about her constantly, everything refers to her.

Romantic love: makes him happy to see her, thinks of her happiness when he makes decisions, wants to be physically affectionate with her, wants to have sex with her on a regular basis, feels excited and energized by being around her, thinks she is awesome and doesn't notice her flaws so much, is willing to buy things or put himself out on her behalf, wants to be with her on a regular/daily basis and tries to make that happen by moving in/marriage, thinks about having kids with her in an idealized way (depending on the person).

Companionate love: Mellow, more realistic about flaws, speaks highly of her, is okay being away from her but prefers to be with her, likes doing activities with her, remembers what she likes and tries to do it/give it to her if he thinks of it, supports her goals and ambitions (depends on the person), might or might not like having sex with her, thinks about having kids with her in a more practical way, doesn't find her exciting or super interesting.
posted by the young rope-rider at 9:29 AM on June 1, 2012 [18 favorites]

'standard in love'

I think that what you'll discover is that there is no "standard in love" behaviour. On the other hand, there some standards to uphold in what loving behaviour may be - as many have articulated above, encompassing such characteristics as respect, trust, mutual appreciation, consideration etc
posted by infini at 9:30 AM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

If you're certain that if you are in trouble and you call and ask for his help w/o apology or worry that you're disturbing the person, he'll drop everything to come be with you. That's love. Being able to rely on someone and trust that they'll show up for you.

What is more important, I think, is knowing that you'd drop everything to be there for someone. I think it's better to be able to love than to need shows of love. It's also feeling a level of security of being loved.

I'm South Asian, too, by the way.
posted by discopolo at 9:31 AM on June 1, 2012

Husbunny is kind of selfish, being an only child, so I can't expect him to think of what I might need first. That's just not going to happen. He is the sweetest, sweetie-pie though and here are examples:

1. Not only does he buy me greeting cards that he signs for my birthday, anniversary, etc, but also cards he thinks are funny that I'd appreciate.

2. He calls me whenever he's out and about to let me know he's coming home and asks if he should pick up anything.

3. He writes me stories and makes cards when he's in the mood.

4. He puts up with my insane family without too much complaining.

5. His ass will cash checks my mouth writes.

6. He kisses me first thing when he gets home, even if he has to search to find me.

Everyone is different, and you come from wildly different cultures. If you feel loved and appreciated, then you are. If it works for you, then that's all that matters.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:32 AM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

I've been married for 20 years, and I don't think there is a litmus test for love. There are not 5 check boxes in which if 4 out of the 5 apply, you are in love (or your partner loves you). Looking at my marriage tells you nothing about how your partner feels about you today, or how he may feel about you tomorrow, next year, or next decade.

You either believe your partner loves you, or you don't.
posted by COD at 9:33 AM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

Also, he'll do anything possible within reason. You can't expect someone to do something you would not be able to do. People is people, you know.

You seem afraid your fiancé is the wrong choice. Are you sure you're ready to get married? It's okay to say no.
posted by discopolo at 9:34 AM on June 1, 2012

Everyone is different, but from my point of view as a guy married to a gal for 18 years now.

Love is wanting your wife to be happy above all and doing things to help that, no matter how large and expensive or small and trivial.

Love is being confident with your wife have friends and a social life that you don't always participate in.

Love is being happy when she does something nice for you, no matter how large and expensive or small and trivial.

Love is accepting that she makes mistakes and letting it go.

Love is letting her have her way, even when you'd do it another way. Not every time, but enough that she's knows when you object, it's for a serious reason.

Love is always saying she looks good.

Love is always telling her if she's got food in her teeth.
posted by Argyle at 10:01 AM on June 1, 2012 [5 favorites]

Here's how I know:
He knows and understands me deeply, and accepts me for who I am - flaws, awkwardness, idiotic actions, and all. He even likes some of those things that I think are flaws - he says that they make me me. I can tell him things that I've never told anybody else, and not be afraid of judgment or dismissal. He thinks I'm funny, even when I know I'm not. He is my biggest supporter and cheerleader, even when I don't have any confidence in myself. He cheers me up when I'm down and he celebrates with me when I'm up. I know he's got my back, no matter what happens. I feel that together, we can conquer anything.

It's a feeling of being home, of being accepted, of finally finding your place in this big crazy world. Of finding another person who just gets you and all your craziness. Of finding another person who's your teammate, your right-hand man, in this crazy game called life.
posted by be11e at 10:04 AM on June 1, 2012 [11 favorites]

The thing is that, the men I've been in love with/been in love with me showed that love in different ways. I mean, there are some commonalities but I think those have much more to do with the types of people that I'm attracted to/attract rather than some "standard" of love. I think that some people above have given you good examples of what love looks and feels like but I can't; somehow, trying to write it out made it seem so... I don't know, cold. I couldn't do it.

But, I honestly don't think that internet-gathered anecdota about love and relationships will help you understand or value whatever emotion your fiance has or demonstrates towards you more. If anything, it would probably have a negative effect.

I may be reaching here, but do you want to understand what love looks like/should look like so that you can mirror it to your fiance, who loves you... but you don't love him/aren't sure if you love him?
posted by sm1tten at 10:11 AM on June 1, 2012

I grew up in India and now live in the US and my boyfriend is from a different culture as well. One difference though is that my parents had what is known as a "love marriage." It's been 33 years for them now and they still exhibit many signs of still being "in love." It's a less showy sort of love because I think PDAs are not encouraged much where I grew up but there are a number of things they do:

Holding hands or my mom sitting in my dad's lap. Sneaking away for a quick kiss occasionally. Basically still enjoying physically touching each other.

Affectionate names for each other. Telling stories about how they met, or tales of their courtship, or the many trials they put their wedding ring through.

Being there for each and tolerating each other's quirks and idiosyncrasies. My mom happily foots the bill for my dad's trips to Scrabble tournaments -- often for a week at a time. He in turn buys her presents for his birthday because he doesn't really appreciate new things all that much, and she does.

They know each others weaknesses and strengths and take them into account when working together. My dad has a much better head for numbers, so he does all the accounts. On the other hand he hates planning and making phone calls, so my mom usually does all the booking of tickets and hotels when they travel.

Being willing to make sacrifices of time and effort for the sake of each other's individual success. My dad went away for a 5 year PhD program when I primarily stayed with my mom and grandparents for two years. After two years, I was primarily looked after by my dad while he was in grad school and my mom pursued her own graduate program. I don't remember either of them complaining about this, though I'm sure it must have been damned hard. But the flipside is that they both managed to raise me and have successful careers of their own.

Forgiving each other when there was a lapse in judgement or breach in trust, as long as the guilty party is truly remorseful and there is no indication that this will be a recurring pattern.

I know that if my own marriage is half as successful and happy as my parents' has been I'll have been fortunate. One concept I've found useful in understanding the different ways in which couples show affection in relationships has been that of "love languages," which is often brought up on MeFi. Essentially people have different ways in which they expect to show love and receive love. The five main types as identified in the book are:
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Affection
Quality time
Gifts

You need to figure out in what ways your partner appreciates being shown you love them and vice-versa. For example, my mom loves being given good gifts, so my dad is very generous in that regard. My dad could care less about gifts, but he appreciates acts of service and quality time with my mother. Everyone is different and a in a good relationship both partners will show their love in the ways that their partners appreciate.
posted by peacheater at 10:12 AM on June 1, 2012 [4 favorites]

Here's a good example: Danny and Annie from StoryCorps.

"Being married is like having a color television set. You never want to go back to black and white."
posted by Golden Eternity at 10:27 AM on June 1, 2012 [5 favorites]

Interpreting your question literally: I find that some people get a certain look on their face when they are in love or sexually infatuated. A friend of mine pointed out that a woman was sitting there next to her boyfriend looking "ducklike," which was totally accurate in that case. You can sometimes see in in photographs too. It can be just a semi-intoxicated, foolish or obsessed look but it can be more subtle than that. Wish I could be more specific.
posted by BibiRose at 10:30 AM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

Also, "I always said the only thing I have to give you is a poor gift and that's myself. And I always gave it. And if there's a way to come back and give it, I'll do that too."
posted by Golden Eternity at 10:31 AM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

We're all different.

Me? At first there's a physical and emotional reaction. I actually do feel giddy. My pulse rate actually does increase at the very thought of her. My forebrain says "Woah, dude, you know what's going on here" then my hindbrain coshes my forebrain and says "This is everything, nothing else matters, everything apart from her is now on autopilot."

Then things go through a few stages. That's a rather understated way of putting it.

If I come out of those stages still loving her (and, even more crucial, her still loving me), the feeling is wonderful. It's the best. It feels like the madness is gone, the acid has worn off and what's left has to be real. And then love is just me thinking she's a wonderful person who I feel privileged to have in my life and who I care about so much it's almost a problem. Who makes me happy. Who makes me worry. Whose sleeping back I never tire of kissing.
posted by Decani at 10:32 AM on June 1, 2012 [4 favorites]

It's the tone in his voice, the intense low tone, almost a murmur, that says that you are special. And the way he softens his voice when he says goodbye.

If you are in a romantic setting, he acts appropriately romantic, not like a buddy.

(not that if he doesn't do this, it means he DOESN't love you...)

"I have a man who seems in love with me now (fiance)"How *does* he seem to be in love with you? What makes you say that he seems to be in love?
posted by serena15221 at 10:58 AM on June 1, 2012

Ok, so my boyfriend and I watched an episode of that show "New Girl" where the female lead breaks up with what seemed like a great, mature guy because she wanted a more "passionate" (by which it seems she meant drama-filled) relationship that included fighting followed by ripping each other's clothes off. My boyfriend and I were kind of appalled by the message that the show was sending, but that's just because that's not how we roll.

People both express love and feel loved differently. For every person that feels that love is all about intensity, there's another that feels like it's all about stability. Some couples spend all of their time together, others may maintain more separate lives.
posted by amarynth at 11:48 AM on June 1, 2012 [2 favorites]

seriously, just ask him. We could go on and on about how certain men show their love but it varies so much that it wouldn't matter to your relationship.

If you are afraid that you are missing out on the cues he's giving you and want to ensure you are recognizing and appreciating them, just ask him (and include the part of your not being raised seeing any of it, which he should thoroughly understand by now).

If you are afraid that you are not being loved the way that you would wish to be, also discuss this with him. You are engaged to the guy, this isn't something you should feel awkward discussing with him. If anything, these kinds of conversations should only bring you closer.
posted by Neekee at 12:21 PM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

You might find a few good answers in this old question: What's it like to feel loved?
posted by Dixon Ticonderoga at 2:25 PM on June 1, 2012

I'll tell you what it's like to love my girlfriend. I'm really missing her right now because she's in another city -- and will be moving in with me later this month.

Now keep in mind, our relationship is 3 years old, and things are going well right now. We're not disagreeing about anything, and we haven't fought over anything significant for at least 6 months. We still get in fights that tide over in under an hour, but I'm pretty sure that's normal at this point.

When I look at her as we're lying in bed, my heart swells, my eyes tighten, and all I want to do is touch her or hold her. Just thinking about this makes me happy. Knowing that I have such a deep connection with an amazing girl. Looking at her as I wake and she sleeps is so incredibly satisfying.

Some days as we're falling asleep, I look at her and tell her I'm excited for her to be my wife. This is probably the best feeling I've ever had in the world. The first time I told her that, we both cried in happiness. We cried because we both felt that desire to be forever together. We both feel that marriage is right for us, and we know that we will be happy together. We knew.

I don't subscribe to the "marry your best friend" ideology. I'm not against it. But to me -- it needs to be more romantic than that. I don't think of her as just a "friend". That is not a sufficient enough term. She is my love. She is the only person I need. She understands me. She is forgiving. She excites me. She makes me appreciate life in ways that I don't see. She opens my eyes. She is full of life. I want to pass from this world together with her, so we don't have to live a moment without each other.

Okay, a little sappy and over the top. But that's the kind of guy I am. And it's also all true.
posted by gradient at 12:37 AM on June 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

There were a lot of very well thought out answers, a few of which I've shared with my guy. Thanks a bunch, a lot of food for thought. I'm starting to have more faith in the potential longevity of love, something I was hoping for (but felt sounded a bit fairytale-ish).
posted by saraindc at 7:22 PM on June 4, 2012