Out of love.
May 30, 2012 10:25 AM Subscribe
My boyfriend doesn't think he loves me any more...
Last night I got into a conversation with my bf when I told him I loved him and he didn't say it back. He says he's not sure he feels the same way as he used to (he was head over heels before we were in a relationship). He wasn't going to say anything and says it might be a phase. We've also been spending a lot of time together because I'm avoiding my apartment, and he wants to see how he feels after I move (in 2 days). In general, we have a good relationship. I really value him and he's been so good to me. A couple other factors here, though, are that I was recently diagnosed as anemic and iron deficient, and one of the symptoms is irritability. I haven't been feeling like myself recently, and I'm pretty sure this is why. It's getting treated and I feel like when I go back to feeling like myself, things will go back to normal between us. Secondly, I worry that I do things to push him away because I'm insecure and worry about getting hurt because of my last big relationship. My last big relationship broke my heart so badly that I couldn't imagine loving that much again -- and I wonder if it was a healthy love or more of an obsessed love, so I'm scared to get that invested in someone. So I worry that I do things to keep myself from getting that invested, and by doing so am pushing him away. I have two ways of thinking about his feelings -- 1) that it's ok, it happens, and because he wants to stay with me it's probably a good test if our relationship will work in the long term (i.e., if we can work through bad times as well as good), and 2) that being in a reltaionship with someone who doesn't love me is my absolute biggest fear, and continuing in it is a mistake because it will just get worse and I'll be more hurt in the long run. I really want it to be the first because the second just sends me into hysterics. On my part, I've definitely gone through phases where my feelings for him were not as strong as his for me, especially at the beginning, but he wooed me well and I fell for him. I do wonder wether our relationship is going to work in the long term, partly because we're both in school and he's trying to go to med school next year, which could take him far away, and LDRs scare the crap out of me (I was cheated on in one) and he has commitment issues and blah blah, but then I think that because things are good for now, I shouldn't worry about the future too much because we're living in now, and my future is so uncertain career-wise and location-wise, as is his, that maybe we should just see where the future leads us rather than preemptively break up because things might not work in the future. And then I wonder if because I'm worried so much about the future, while trying not to worry, it makes me push him away. He's so good for me though, and he's the first guy I've dated where we could have than conversation without me freaking out and still cuddle and go to sleep. But then I worry that because I didn't immediately freak out, it's a sign that I don't care as much as I think I do. Ugh. I'm a mess. And then my ex (the one who broke my heart to little bitty shards) had a very firm philosophy that for the first 3 months of a relationship, people are on their best behavior, and after that 3 months, you see the "real" person. With my current bf, we were in pre-relationship mode from the time we met for 3 months, and have been a couple for 4 months. We've been trying to take it slow. One of my concerns from the beginning was that we're in a different place relationship-wise... he's only dated 2 girls before me, and both were LTRs. I'd just come off a year of date-around-casual-relationships kind of stuff and got that out of my system, and I worried from the beginning that he needed that before getting into another relationship. Also FWIW we are still very affectionate with each other and have a good sex life and get along pretty well. Nobody from the outside would look at him and think he doesn't love me. I only pulled it out of him because I've been through this before (except those ended in immediate breakups).
I guess the actual question here is, do people go in phases within a relationship lovewise, and how do you know that it's just a phase and not permanent? How much could my physical condition be affecting his feelings for me, and is it good or bad that he wants to stick with it? I think it's good because he wants to be madly in love with me, but how do I deal with it in the meantime?
Last night I got into a conversation with my bf when I told him I loved him and he didn't say it back. He says he's not sure he feels the same way as he used to (he was head over heels before we were in a relationship). He wasn't going to say anything and says it might be a phase. We've also been spending a lot of time together because I'm avoiding my apartment, and he wants to see how he feels after I move (in 2 days). In general, we have a good relationship. I really value him and he's been so good to me. A couple other factors here, though, are that I was recently diagnosed as anemic and iron deficient, and one of the symptoms is irritability. I haven't been feeling like myself recently, and I'm pretty sure this is why. It's getting treated and I feel like when I go back to feeling like myself, things will go back to normal between us. Secondly, I worry that I do things to push him away because I'm insecure and worry about getting hurt because of my last big relationship. My last big relationship broke my heart so badly that I couldn't imagine loving that much again -- and I wonder if it was a healthy love or more of an obsessed love, so I'm scared to get that invested in someone. So I worry that I do things to keep myself from getting that invested, and by doing so am pushing him away. I have two ways of thinking about his feelings -- 1) that it's ok, it happens, and because he wants to stay with me it's probably a good test if our relationship will work in the long term (i.e., if we can work through bad times as well as good), and 2) that being in a reltaionship with someone who doesn't love me is my absolute biggest fear, and continuing in it is a mistake because it will just get worse and I'll be more hurt in the long run. I really want it to be the first because the second just sends me into hysterics. On my part, I've definitely gone through phases where my feelings for him were not as strong as his for me, especially at the beginning, but he wooed me well and I fell for him. I do wonder wether our relationship is going to work in the long term, partly because we're both in school and he's trying to go to med school next year, which could take him far away, and LDRs scare the crap out of me (I was cheated on in one) and he has commitment issues and blah blah, but then I think that because things are good for now, I shouldn't worry about the future too much because we're living in now, and my future is so uncertain career-wise and location-wise, as is his, that maybe we should just see where the future leads us rather than preemptively break up because things might not work in the future. And then I wonder if because I'm worried so much about the future, while trying not to worry, it makes me push him away. He's so good for me though, and he's the first guy I've dated where we could have than conversation without me freaking out and still cuddle and go to sleep. But then I worry that because I didn't immediately freak out, it's a sign that I don't care as much as I think I do. Ugh. I'm a mess. And then my ex (the one who broke my heart to little bitty shards) had a very firm philosophy that for the first 3 months of a relationship, people are on their best behavior, and after that 3 months, you see the "real" person. With my current bf, we were in pre-relationship mode from the time we met for 3 months, and have been a couple for 4 months. We've been trying to take it slow. One of my concerns from the beginning was that we're in a different place relationship-wise... he's only dated 2 girls before me, and both were LTRs. I'd just come off a year of date-around-casual-relationships kind of stuff and got that out of my system, and I worried from the beginning that he needed that before getting into another relationship. Also FWIW we are still very affectionate with each other and have a good sex life and get along pretty well. Nobody from the outside would look at him and think he doesn't love me. I only pulled it out of him because I've been through this before (except those ended in immediate breakups).
I guess the actual question here is, do people go in phases within a relationship lovewise, and how do you know that it's just a phase and not permanent? How much could my physical condition be affecting his feelings for me, and is it good or bad that he wants to stick with it? I think it's good because he wants to be madly in love with me, but how do I deal with it in the meantime?
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
Response by poster: you're moving in together
Just to clarify... we're not. I'm moving to a new apartment. Because of a roommate situation, I've been spending most of my time at my bf's place for the past month.
posted by DoubleLune at 10:41 AM on May 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
Just to clarify... we're not. I'm moving to a new apartment. Because of a roommate situation, I've been spending most of my time at my bf's place for the past month.
posted by DoubleLune at 10:41 AM on May 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
"I don't think I love you" can be translated to "I don't love you and I am not sure or too chicken shit to break up."
posted by munchingzombie at 10:46 AM on May 30, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by munchingzombie at 10:46 AM on May 30, 2012 [3 favorites]
If you two have been overdosing on spending time together, maybe a little break will help things reset.
Last night I got into a conversation with my bf when I told him I loved him and he didn't say it back...Nobody from the outside would look at him and think he doesn't love me. I only pulled it out of him
So after he didn't say "I love you", what exactly happened? Was it more of an "argument" than a "conversation"? Did you get angry and act in a way that made things worse? Maybe try and not do that in the future.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:47 AM on May 30, 2012
Last night I got into a conversation with my bf when I told him I loved him and he didn't say it back...Nobody from the outside would look at him and think he doesn't love me. I only pulled it out of him
So after he didn't say "I love you", what exactly happened? Was it more of an "argument" than a "conversation"? Did you get angry and act in a way that made things worse? Maybe try and not do that in the future.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:47 AM on May 30, 2012
Oh my God, just break up with him. I can't entirely tell whether you guys have been dating for 4 months or 7 months from the way you wrote it, but either way, it's WAY too short a time to be invested in someone who's giving you anything but joy. Move on. Good luck!
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:47 AM on May 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:47 AM on May 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think you should get your move done, get settled and get some rest, and revisit it in a month or so. Four months shouldn't provoke a wall of text, but you seem really anxious and it's likely you're both burned out from too much togetherness.
Spend a month with regular but delineated contact - go out, sleepovers only one night a week, plenty of time alone/with other friends. Maybe stop worrying so much about how he feels, because you can't do anything about that, and figure out how you feel. You may find you're no more into him than he is to you.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:48 AM on May 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
Spend a month with regular but delineated contact - go out, sleepovers only one night a week, plenty of time alone/with other friends. Maybe stop worrying so much about how he feels, because you can't do anything about that, and figure out how you feel. You may find you're no more into him than he is to you.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:48 AM on May 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
Okay, chill out.
First of all, get used to the idea that while you may love your BF, he might not love you. Find some other place to be from now until your move. Give him some space.
Start living as though you were single. If he calls to spend time with you, awesome! If you find that he's not initiating contact, then you have an answer.
You're undergoing a lot of stress right now. Make no permanant decisions for at least a month or so. Do feelings wax and wane, of course. You might be on his last nerve right now because you're up in his Kool-aid 24/7. He may have realized that while he wanted you originally, he may not now. It's okay. Not all relationships have to last forever, or be really big deals.
As for anemia, that's a red herring.
If you're walking on egg shells, wondering if you used different words or did something different, if it would be any better, get out now, while you have some sanity left.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:50 AM on May 30, 2012
First of all, get used to the idea that while you may love your BF, he might not love you. Find some other place to be from now until your move. Give him some space.
Start living as though you were single. If he calls to spend time with you, awesome! If you find that he's not initiating contact, then you have an answer.
You're undergoing a lot of stress right now. Make no permanant decisions for at least a month or so. Do feelings wax and wane, of course. You might be on his last nerve right now because you're up in his Kool-aid 24/7. He may have realized that while he wanted you originally, he may not now. It's okay. Not all relationships have to last forever, or be really big deals.
As for anemia, that's a red herring.
If you're walking on egg shells, wondering if you used different words or did something different, if it would be any better, get out now, while you have some sanity left.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:50 AM on May 30, 2012
I think it is irresponsible and dickish for someone to say that they may have been in love with you before, but aren't now after dating you for four months. It's like the most cloddish and least constructive way of expressing those feelings.
Summon all your reserves of dignity and end the relationship. Moving into a new place is a nice opportunity to have a fresh start with yourself. In a few months all this will seem like a bad (or even silly) dream.
posted by hermitosis at 10:53 AM on May 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
Summon all your reserves of dignity and end the relationship. Moving into a new place is a nice opportunity to have a fresh start with yourself. In a few months all this will seem like a bad (or even silly) dream.
posted by hermitosis at 10:53 AM on May 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
Seems like things are panning out what everyone told you in your previous question about him. Believe what people tell you about themselves and use this experience as a learning tool. It's best to end things now before it gets any worse and you waste more of your time trying to get something out of someone that they told you in the beginning they weren't able to give.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 10:56 AM on May 30, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by MaryDellamorte at 10:56 AM on May 30, 2012 [3 favorites]
In your last question, your final follow-up included the fact that you were "fully prepared to leave (and almost did) but he basically said he has wanted a relationship and was scared."
I can almost guarantee you that he will tell you he loves you again. I can also almost guarantee you that in a month or two, he'll pull this exact same stunt with god-knows-what-else. Get out of this before you get whiplash.
posted by griphus at 11:03 AM on May 30, 2012 [5 favorites]
I can almost guarantee you that he will tell you he loves you again. I can also almost guarantee you that in a month or two, he'll pull this exact same stunt with god-knows-what-else. Get out of this before you get whiplash.
posted by griphus at 11:03 AM on May 30, 2012 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: OK, last thread-sit here. I'm going to go for a run and clear my head. First, I could write a wall of text about anything. I could write a wall of text about "why is my toenail polish chipping." A lot of what I wrote probably isn't relevant, and a lot of it is stemming from insecurities from my previous major breakup. It's been like 3 years since that breakup and it still affects my life, and I tend to blow things out of proportion in my head (thanks, overactive imagination). Plus stress makes me obsess and I have been under a lot of stress recently. I had a little freakout this morning, and needed to vent. I was actually feeling mostly ok last night. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have even posted, I should have written down my feelings.
And yes... we did have a conversation. Not a fight.
I'm going to say this: You're undergoing a lot of stress right now. Make no permanant decisions for at least a month or so. Do feelings wax and wane, of course. sounds about right. I obsess when I get stressed, and I know I've been stressing out. We've been together soooo much recently, and while I love him, I haven't had the alone time I need. I've just been ignoring it because I don't feel like I have a choice on the issue. He's been pretty awesome about the whole thing.
posted by DoubleLune at 11:14 AM on May 30, 2012
And yes... we did have a conversation. Not a fight.
I'm going to say this: You're undergoing a lot of stress right now. Make no permanant decisions for at least a month or so. Do feelings wax and wane, of course. sounds about right. I obsess when I get stressed, and I know I've been stressing out. We've been together soooo much recently, and while I love him, I haven't had the alone time I need. I've just been ignoring it because I don't feel like I have a choice on the issue. He's been pretty awesome about the whole thing.
posted by DoubleLune at 11:14 AM on May 30, 2012
do people go in phases within a relationship lovewise,
Sometimes.
and how do you know that it's just a phase and not permanent?
You don't. This is like asking how you can know that a relationship is going to be the one you stay in for the rest of your lives: the question cannot be answered until one of you is dead. Unless and until it ends, you will have no way of knowing if this is permanent or a very long phase. I don't think it's relevant in this case though.
How much could my physical condition be affecting his feelings for me,
If you've been irritable with him, it could be affecting them a lot. It may have affected them permanently. It might not affect them at all. There's no way to know, because even he might not be aware of how it's affected him. But ultimately it doesn't matter. You're telling yourself that things would go back to normal if this one thing changed, and I am sorry to say that it doesn't tend to work out like that. Essentially you're bargaining here, the same way that a person tends to do after a breakup when they try to figure out the logical, concrete reasons why things ended. And it never amounts to much.
You're overthinking all this a lot at a very early juncture. It really shouldn't be this much work to try to figure out.
and is it good or bad that he wants to stick with it?
Every relationship is different, because everyone is different. What I can tell you is that, if I were in your situation, I would end things.
There's communication and then there's intelligence. If you're not sure whether or not you love someone anymore, you keep that shit to yourself until you've got it figured out one way or the other, and you accept that telling someone you don't love them anymore is basically the kiss of death.
I mean, seriously: "I don't love you anymore but it might be a phase, and I want to see if I feel different after you move to a different apartment, so let's stay together?" What the hell is that?
Also FWIW we are still very affectionate with each other and have a good sex life and get along pretty well.
Dude's playing you. Bounce.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:14 AM on May 30, 2012
Sometimes.
and how do you know that it's just a phase and not permanent?
You don't. This is like asking how you can know that a relationship is going to be the one you stay in for the rest of your lives: the question cannot be answered until one of you is dead. Unless and until it ends, you will have no way of knowing if this is permanent or a very long phase. I don't think it's relevant in this case though.
How much could my physical condition be affecting his feelings for me,
If you've been irritable with him, it could be affecting them a lot. It may have affected them permanently. It might not affect them at all. There's no way to know, because even he might not be aware of how it's affected him. But ultimately it doesn't matter. You're telling yourself that things would go back to normal if this one thing changed, and I am sorry to say that it doesn't tend to work out like that. Essentially you're bargaining here, the same way that a person tends to do after a breakup when they try to figure out the logical, concrete reasons why things ended. And it never amounts to much.
You're overthinking all this a lot at a very early juncture. It really shouldn't be this much work to try to figure out.
and is it good or bad that he wants to stick with it?
Every relationship is different, because everyone is different. What I can tell you is that, if I were in your situation, I would end things.
There's communication and then there's intelligence. If you're not sure whether or not you love someone anymore, you keep that shit to yourself until you've got it figured out one way or the other, and you accept that telling someone you don't love them anymore is basically the kiss of death.
I mean, seriously: "I don't love you anymore but it might be a phase, and I want to see if I feel different after you move to a different apartment, so let's stay together?" What the hell is that?
Also FWIW we are still very affectionate with each other and have a good sex life and get along pretty well.
Dude's playing you. Bounce.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:14 AM on May 30, 2012
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You say later on that he's a commitment-phobe, and that you're moving in together. How long have you been together? Who asked who to move in together? This can definitely put the kaibosh on a relationship that isn't standing on firm ground, because living together for the most part is not sexy or exciting.
I don't think your irritability or anemia is enough to stop a relationship cold. This isn't about your past relationships. This is an issue of whether or not he loves you enough/is compatible enough with you to stay together past the honeymoon phase, whether either of you think this relationship has a future, and whether you're both ready to make a serious commitment. It sounds like either you or he isn't 100% sure about it.
posted by petiteviolette at 10:32 AM on May 30, 2012