Light My Route of Blind Dating

March 12, 2012 3:19 PM

Blind Date and Matchmaking Panic.

Scenario A:

A friend of mine is trying to set me up with one of his rather attractive friend. I'm quite intrigued even knowing very little about his friend and I kinda don't want to raise my expectation. It's really rare that I'd find someone so appealing off-the-bat (totally my type, and strange thing is I never told my friend anything about my love history/interest before) and I'm almost fantasizing a relationship. I've been casually dating for a while, from online-to-offline, and no one has piqued interest so much, maybe because I have more trust in this friend.

- So how does this work?
- What kind of activity is proper for a blind date like this?
- If I should communicate directly with the date, and make plans? And how do I approach by e-mail given we don't know each other at all, and it's not like there's a dating profile handy somewhere for both of us to read/see.
- Whether I should involve our common friend on a first date?

Since I'm so over-thinking, and have a hard time to think of it as a casual meeting-new-people-hang-out, bonus question,
- How important are looks in a relationship compare to something else I also highly value (such as kindness, introspectiveness, emotional honesty and intellectuality)?


Scenario B,

About half a year ago, two of my friends mutually find each other cute. Knowing that they are seeking for very different things in a relationship, they have quite different needs/wants, I thought they might not be very compatible.

However, friend 1 was more insistent on pursuing friend 2 and expressed a lot of interest at the time. I cared a lot about friend 1, and he seemed to be crushing and I felt bad, and considering he had been there for me during one of my worst times, I agreed to bring friend 2 to a group dinner to have them meet. I told friend 1 that it's all I could do as a friend. They could be friends, and whatever happens later, it's none of my business. And I don't like being the meddler. After they met, friend 1 found out that friend 2 didn't really care that much about him through me, and made me swear to never tell friend 2. Then, what happens is that friend 1 is still very persistent about pursuing a friendship with friend 2, whereas friend 2 was indifferent for a long time.

At the same time, friend 1 often tells me that he doesn't know what he saw in friend 2 and he doesn't find friend 2 cute and other not so flattering things. I suspected friend 1 lying about his feelings to me. And he again told me not to let friend 2 know.

Fast forward a month later, friend 1 still actively pursues friendship with friend 2, hangs out with friend 2, and flirts with friend 2 in front of my eyes!!!!

I've known friend 2 a lot longer than friend 1, and friend 2 is one of my closest friends and I'd drop anything to do things for friend 2. Friend 2 also truly cares for me, and has been my rock for years.

And friend 2 is now trying to date other people.

So now, I'm wondering,
- Should I ever let friend 2 know about friend 1's intention at the group dinner?
- If so, is it unethical as I promised that I wouldn't let friend 2 to know?
- Should I talk to friend 1 and let him know friend 2 is looking for others? (at the same time both friend 1 and 2 are so private about their love lives, and I really hate to be the one disclosing friend 2's love life without consent)

posted by easilyconfused to human relations (6 answers total)

A) Ask the person out for coffee, this is no big deal at all.

B) This is super confusing ("found out... through me"? You mean You told him/her? Weird passive voice there.). In my opinion you brought yourself into it too much from the first second. If they wanted to meet, let them meet, which you did, and is 100% non-meddly -- in fact, it's the opposite. Now, if you want to stay out of it, stay out of it. You did what you said you'd do when you brought the person to dinner. If asked directly about feelings, don't lie, but it's not really your place to gossip either -- if asked about actions ("Is he/she dating someone?!?"), shrug and say they can ask directly if they want to know. If you don't want your friend to say mean things about your other friend address it on that level, because that's obviously not cool. If you don't want to meddle, just don't.
posted by brainmouse at 3:30 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

Scenario A, you should meet over something short- a drink at the bar, a coffee, a cupcake. Sounds like your friend could get this person to reach out to you, or they could give you the contact info and you could reach out first. Don't bring the friend.

Scenario B, just stay out of it. It's not really your business and there's nothing you can do about it, anyway.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:30 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

In Scenario B,

Friend 2 never expressed any romantic interest or willing to meet friend 1 even as a friend whatsoever, and I knew he wasn't looking someone like friend 1 in a relationship. He only made a casual comment on the "cuteness". So basically, I brought friend 2 in a group dinner of 5 people, and per friend 1's request. Till now, friend 2 is unaware of friend 1's interest.

@brainmouse, found out...through me -- friend 1 asked me privately what friend 2 thought about him after group dinner, and I said friend 2 didn't really say anything about friend 1 at all.

And I have discussed/said anything very little on the matter in general.

Typo, fast forward to now*

@ ThePinkSuperhero, I have firmly said that I would not tolerate friend 1 badmouthing about my other friends behind their backs, a few times, but wasn't effective enough. So eventually I decided to ignore his comments.
posted by easilyconfused at 3:50 PM on March 12, 2012

"He didn't say anything" and "He doesn't really care that much" are about 6 million miles apart, depending on that person's personalilty. but the answer to your questions at the end are no, not really but don't lie to anyone, and no. Just stay out of it. Ignoring is great, do more of that. Let Friend 1 have their drama all by themselves.
posted by brainmouse at 4:17 PM on March 12, 2012

Scenario 1: have your friend in common set up some fun, relaxed activity there you and the other person can meet and hang out together. Bowling, shooting pool, a movie followed by drinks, that sort of thing.

Scenario 2: Why in the world are you contemplating stirring up trouble for your friend? Your friend is interesting in Person 2, person 2 isn't interested. That's fine, that's normal. You are for some reason troubled by your friend acting like he's not interested in Person 2, but still pursuing friendship? Why do you care?!?! Perhaps he's lying to himself or trying to save face. It just seems like you are thinking about purposefully humiliating and embarrassing your friend, which is an awful thing to do. Stay out of it, don't tell Person 2. It's really not your place to do that.
posted by jayder at 4:27 PM on March 12, 2012

How important are looks in a relationship compare to something else I also highly value (such as kindness, introspectiveness, emotional honesty and intellectuality)?


17.

No seriously, I'm not sure what you're asking here.

If you're asking whether you should be with someone you're not attracted to but who fulfills all the other boxes, that depends on how important sex is to you.

If you're asking whether you should refuse to date people who don't look good, that depends on how important looks (alone, as opposed to together with smell, movement, voice, manner) are to you in determining physical attraction.

If you're asking whether you should hook up with someone who's hot but flaky, that depends on how much you enjoy casual sex and how good your boundaries are for keeping it casual.

If you're asking whether you should permanently yoke your life and your potential children's lives to someone who is hot but has no character, the answer is just no.
posted by Salamandrous at 6:48 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]