Is this a wedding or a fundraiser?

February 14, 2012 11:36 AM

When I asked my brother if there was something in particular he would like for his upcoming wedding, he told me not to give him anything unless it was cash. I have a few issues with this request.

My brother and his fiancée have always had, well, unconventional behaviour with gifts and gift giving. For example, when their first child was born, I was told explicitly not to buy anything for the baby but to buy something for [Brother's Fiancée] instead. I sent a gift and never received a thank you. One Christmas, their Christmas gift to my SO and I was to tell us that they were having a baby. 

They are getting married soon. I live quite a distance from them and for myriad reasons, I am not able to attend the wedding. I emailed my brother to ask if they were registered for gifts somewhere or if there was something in particular they would like from SO and I. His reply was that I could either give them nothing or, "if you don't like that idea", then I should give them cash for their honeymoon. 

My mother called me not long after to say that she had received the wedding invitation, and that it contained an envelope for the guests to deposit their 'gifts'. 

I understand that in some cultures money as a wedding gift is normal and expected - in the country that they are in (the one in which they were born and raised, as was I), even mentioning gifts when sending out a wedding invitation is considered to be a faux pas, let alone specifying cash as a gift. 

I also understand that weddings can be expensive... And I know for a fact that their planned honeymoon will be expensive! But this couple is well-off in that "belongs to the 1%" kind of way. The gift from my parents alone (not cash) is worth nearly $100,000.

My SO and I are both of the mind that we don't give cash as a gift for any occasion. I pride myself on being able to make our present budget stretch and that's partly because right now we can't afford extravegant gifts. My budget for this gift is about $150 but I know that I could get something on sale for that amount that would be totally awesome. $150 on its own doesn't look so awesome... However, I'm torn about what to do for this particular event because they obviously only want cash. My SO has said that he will support whatever decision I make.

The other thing that is making this decision difficult for me is the way my brother and [Brother's Fiancée] have treated my family in the run-up to the wedding. They decided that my youngest brother was not in a "permanent relationship" with his girlfriend of 18 months, so therefore she wouldn't be invited because they only want couples in "permanent relationships" at the wedding*. They didn't invite our grandparents because they decided that our grandparents were too infirm to travel to the wedding. They invited my Aunty but not my Uncle. The list goes on.

I have really struggled with this. I want to help them celebrate their wedding especially because I will be so far away on the day. I love my brother dearly and admire his many wonderful qualities.

I see my options as the following:

1. Don't buy a present; send a card.
2. Don't buy a present; send a card with $150 (about what I would have spent on a gift).
3. Buy a small present; send that and some cash too.
4. Buy a present; send that.

Are there any options I'm missing? What do you think is the best option in this situation?

If possible, I'd like to keep this as low-drama as possible (I plan on sending whatever it is I decide on giving and never mentioning any of this to them or anyone besides my SO). I'd also like do the right thing. If there is a right thing of course. 

Any advice on how to let this go would be great too. I am very cross about how they have behaved in the lead-up to this wedding, and their history with gifts indicates they won't thank me regardless of what I do. I don't want to think about this anymore, but I am having trouble not getting worked up about it whenever I think about it.

Thanks in advance for your advice.



*In a way, while it's obviously a totally inappropriate and offensive thing for them to do, this is kind of funny to me - if I had been able to attend the wedding, then I would have had to have gone by myself because SO and I would not fit their criteria for being in a "permanent relationship". My mother pointed out that she and her husband have been married for only 30 years, and she's not sure that she could call that permanent just yet...

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (77 answers total)

Send a card, no cash.

Either 1) they are jerks and don't deserve anything, or 2) they honestly don't want a bunch of random household 'stuff' and have apparently indicated they're okay receiving nothing.
posted by wrok at 11:41 AM on February 14, 2012 [52 favorites]

Just send a card and don't worry about it. Don't send a gift - they've specifically said they don't want one. Don't send cash - you feel weird about it and another $150 is not going to make a difference to these people.
posted by mskyle at 11:41 AM on February 14, 2012 [18 favorites]

Your brother explicitly gave you the option of giving nothing. They don't lack for anything, and they've treated you and the rest of your family rather poorly in the run up to the wedding. I suggest you capitalize on your brother's suggestion.
posted by jedicus at 11:41 AM on February 14, 2012 [17 favorites]

No. 2.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:41 AM on February 14, 2012

If possible, I'd like to keep this as low-drama as possible

The right thing to do is to put aside whatever feelings and ideas of appropriateness you have about this and just do what the couple is asking you to do.
posted by griphus at 11:42 AM on February 14, 2012 [10 favorites]

I would send them a bucket of foreign coins. Something with as huge an exchange rate discrepancy as possible.
posted by ian1977 at 11:42 AM on February 14, 2012 [23 favorites]

5. Don't buy a present; don't buy a card; send a letter of congratulations.

I, as someone going through the wedding registry situation as we speak, do not enjoy getting gifts nor do I like dictating what gifts for others to give me and it's frustrating to say the least. That's what a registry is. I don't begin to know your brother's mindset nor his motivation but I know I would much rather people come to the wedding, enjoy themselves, eat their fill, visit with us, and not give us a damn thing. If they wanted to offset the cost of the wedding or honeymoon or mortgage payment that's totally awesome but not required. Instead we end up registering for things that we could damn well purchase for ourselves for a better price and at our own convenience. /rant, sorry for that...

But, it sounds like he was pretty clear with his request and it's your place to honor that. So don't send anything, tell them congrats, move on.
posted by RolandOfEld at 11:42 AM on February 14, 2012 [9 favorites]

He explicitly asked for no gift, why is this even a discussion? Send no gift. Give a card. Despite what some people think, "no gift" means "no gift".
posted by brainmouse at 11:42 AM on February 14, 2012 [54 favorites]

card. (also, they sound selfish.)
posted by violetk at 11:43 AM on February 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

Send a card. He sounds like he was being frank that they wanted nothing, and they seem to me to not believe in gift-giving. That should limit the drama as they would prefer to not get gifts.
posted by DoubleLune at 11:46 AM on February 14, 2012

Send a card and be glad you are far away from all the wedding drama.
posted by futureisunwritten at 11:46 AM on February 14, 2012 [5 favorites]

1. Don't buy a present; send a card.

The first thing he told you was no gift. I say you take him up on it and you're under no obligation to give anything to someone who suggests that you give them nothing.

I doubt your money would be appreciated or valued.
posted by inturnaround at 11:47 AM on February 14, 2012 [4 favorites]

They sound lame. Send a card, and focus on your relationship with your niece/nephew.
posted by yarly at 11:49 AM on February 14, 2012 [3 favorites]

Your brother may indeed have many wonderful qualities that you've neglected to mention in your post, but the behavior you've described so far makes him sound like a Grade A boor. Send him a nice card and think nothing more of the matter. If your guilt gets the better of you, make a nice donation to a worthy cause of your choice. Or use the money you would have spent on a wedding gift to buy your wife a nice present and let her do the same for you. Seriously, why should you spend money on a gift for your brother when it most likely wouldn't be appreciated, much less acknowledged?
posted by LuckySeven~ at 11:50 AM on February 14, 2012 [3 favorites]

Chiming in to the chorus of "Send a card, NO GIFT."

I want to help them celebrate their wedding especially because I will be so far away on the day. I love my brother dearly and admire his many wonderful qualities.

To do this, make sure your card includes a heartfelt letter of congratulations, as RolandOfEld suggests. Your love and joy for them WILL contribute to the wedding. Your brother, if he loves you as you love him, will appreciate it.
posted by JuliaIglesias at 11:50 AM on February 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

Send the cash to a charity like The Heifer Project in their name. They have printable cards. Print one out and send it to your brother and fiancee with your sincere congratulations.
posted by hazyjane at 11:52 AM on February 14, 2012 [3 favorites]

Go with option #1 and send a card. It's a polite action and shows that you are considerate despite how he treated you and other family members. It also will reduce any conflict compared to not sending anything at all.

But, do not send any money with this card. He seems like he is either selfish or not into receiving gifts. It also seems like he can provide himself with enough if he's received lavish gifts and is very well off, so based on how he's responded and all of the wedding drama that they have caused, I would assume that he wouldn't be appreciative of the money that you and your SO would give him as a gift anyways.
posted by livinglearning at 11:52 AM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Are there any options I'm missing?

Buy a gift card for some honeymoon-related store or service. It's not giving cash, since you don't like that, but it is essentially giving cash, which he likes.

However, sending an envelope with your wedding invite is so outrageously tacky that I'd be tempted to send nothing at all.

I think the proper thing to do, though, is just send a card, no gift.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 11:52 AM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Also: regardless of any advice, only you know whether not sending cash will put you on some sort of family pariah shit-list or not.
posted by griphus at 11:52 AM on February 14, 2012

Send a card with a kind and generous note, then go out to a $150 dinner with your husband.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 11:53 AM on February 14, 2012 [17 favorites]

I would send a card and wish them well.

When I asked my brother if there was something in particular he would like

Don't do that anymore.

I was told explicitly not to buy anything for the baby but to buy something for [Brother's Fiancée] instead.

You can buy whatever you want for whomever you want.
posted by headnsouth at 11:54 AM on February 14, 2012 [6 favorites]

I was with your brother (NY'er, metro area) until he put an envelope into the invitation. That's just tacky.

IMO, gift registry information was usually spread by word of mouth. Someone would ask the bride to be if/where she was registered, and she would answer. You asked your brother, the groom to be, what they wanted as a gift, and he was honest with you. Totally OK, once again, IMO.

Sending a cash envelope in the invitation?! ugh. Horrid, and money grabbing.
posted by kellyblah at 11:54 AM on February 14, 2012 [5 favorites]

Donate the money in their name to a nice charity, include the info in the card you send them.
posted by Windigo at 11:54 AM on February 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

"His reply was that I could either give them nothing"...

...There's your answer right there.

(If you really want to spend money, you can send it to me.)
posted by notsnot at 11:55 AM on February 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

They didn't invite our grandparents because they decided that our grandparents were too infirm to travel to the wedding.

Wow. How about spending that $150 on a nice dinner with your grandparents!
posted by headnsouth at 11:56 AM on February 14, 2012 [38 favorites]

We told people no gifts only because we got married near my parents house who live across the country and didn't want to have to ship everything back. That and the fact that we have lived together for 10 years and didn't need much more stuff. We didn't ask for cash though, only told people if they would ask about gifts and explained our reasons. I really didn't expect as much cash as we got but we ended up getting a new bed with the $. However many people didn't give any cash or only $20 and that was fine. You shouldn't feel obliged to give cash, if you feel the need to send something maybe send a gift certificate?
Also I think the guest list stuff sounds silly. So does that mean single people can bring a date?
I wouldn't stress too much over the gift thing it sounds like they won't think about it too much whatever you do anyways. But I would at least send a card.
posted by randomgirl at 11:56 AM on February 14, 2012

"$150 on its own doesn't look so awesome"

If one of your main concerns is that the $150 is not adequate as cash, but will somehow look more or better if it's invested in an item, that strikes me as being too concerned with your image. Yes, part of a gift is the gratification you get from sending it, and the fun of imaging the pleasure the receiver gets. But it could also just about giving something and expecting nothing back. They'd asked for cash, and if you want to send it, send the $150. If you think they are lame, don't send anything. I wouldn't send a card but a handwritten note. Cards are annoying.
posted by amodelcitizen at 11:57 AM on February 14, 2012 [3 favorites]

He told you not to send him anything. Give him a card expressing your best wishes for their future happiness.
posted by muddgirl at 11:57 AM on February 14, 2012

On second thought, you could send them a copy of Mad Magazine #166.
posted by notsnot at 11:57 AM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Read it another way, he wants nothing more than your presence, that is the only present he desires.
posted by kanemano at 11:58 AM on February 14, 2012 [3 favorites]

Card, no cash, is what I would probably do. If they're doing fine financially, and they don't have any material stuff that they want as gifts, then they've given you leave to not send anything.

To be honest I think that saying 'no' to gifts is becoming more and more common ... it used to be that people got married at about the same time they moved out of their parents' households, and therefore wedding gifts made a lot of sense. You were basically expected to set up a new house, and would need a house-worth of crap to fill it with. Now that's not really the case (at least in my experience); when people get married it's more likely that they are combining two house's (or apartments') worth of crap into one place, and the exercise entails more throwing-out than acquiring. The insistence on sending material gifts, while I'm sure it comes from a good place, is not necessarily very practical, and I can easily see how some people would become more stressed by the idea of having to come up with a list of crap that they don't need for people to give as gifts, and would prefer to just avoid the whole business.

However, asking flat-out for cash strikes me as immeasurably tacky. Doubly so if you're well-off. Triply or quadruply so if you're more well-off than any of the people you might be requesting cash from. Ugh.

So I'd accept the declination of a gift with good grace, and just ignore the gauche request for cash.
posted by Kadin2048 at 11:58 AM on February 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

Sending a cash envelope in the invitation?! ugh. Horrid, and money grabbing.

Totally agreed--but I've been to lovely weddings for lovely people that included a line in the invitation stating that the bride and groom were not registered and would appreciate cash. Yes, it's all in the phrasing, but I don't think it's entirely off limits to ask for cash in 2012.

Obviously, you've got other family issues at work in this question, OP. But if if they say cash or nothing, get 'em cash or nothing.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 11:59 AM on February 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

If you're going to ask someone what they want for a gift, then use that information against them in some sort of Emily Post one-upsmanship, I find that ruder than asking for what you want when queried.

You have two choices: Give him nothing (per his request) or give him cash (per his request). He should be gracious enough to accept either, but if you were planning on spending $150 on a gift, why in heaven's name would it suddenly be declasse to skip the store/amazon.com and just send him the money?
posted by xingcat at 12:01 PM on February 14, 2012 [6 favorites]

Why would you ask what someone wants and then be mad at them for answering? Either give them nothing or give them cash.
posted by spunweb at 12:06 PM on February 14, 2012 [3 favorites]

Gift giving should be done from the heart, not from obligation.

You're not obligated to give a gift for the wedding, and I make it a habit not to give gifts to people who are discourteous to me. It doesn't phase me so much if I don't get a gift from someone I've given a gift to, but usually it's because I don't think gifts come with strings attached and don't really expect I'll get a gift in return --- not even during holidays.

So if you're heart isn't in giving him a gift (and it doesn't sound like it is), and if you're budget could use that $150 more than the gift (and it sounds like it could), I'd send a letter of congratulations (and only if you mean it) and have that be it.
posted by zizzle at 12:06 PM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

People act funny about weddings, money and gifts. They pull out a lot of bad feelings and an urge to appeal to "rules" when an individual, humanistic approach is better. In short, if someone I cared about and had a good relationship with sincerely wanted or needed cash at their wedding, I would give it to them and not view it as crass. "Rules" which don't take into account the underlying pattern of the relationship are best used in negotiating relationships with people you don't know well - they're a useful guide in that instance.

So if you basically get on well with your brother and have a good, mutually caring relationship, just chalk up the weirdness about gifts (including the past weirdness about the baby gift!) to his personal eccentricity. It's just a thing; it's not aimed at you; it's not even inconvenient.

If there are other underlying flaws in your relationship - like the "not a permanent relationship" thing, especially if you feel that it's about judgment and not just about making a poor choice, or if you feel that he would stand by that if someone told him that it was hurtful...well, those underlying flaws are their own thing, separate from the matter of the gift.

My feeling is that you should send a letter of congratulations and nothing else, if you don't want to send cash. I don't think that "$150 isn't enough" is a good reason not to send the money, though; if your brother is sincere about wanting cash and respecting you, then the amount isn't the issue, and if your brother is just a giant greedy money-hog then you have a bigger problem than his disapproval.

Basically, I think we are all happier when we pay the most attention to the underlying relationship and the least attention to the outward form - if the outward form is bugging you, pay attention to what it says about the underlying thing, don't get hung up on the form itself.
posted by Frowner at 12:09 PM on February 14, 2012 [4 favorites]

It is there wedding. There are other times to fight this battle.

Let it be their day, and fight their weird behavior on another day.
Do you really want this become an issue on their wedding day.

Send the money, wish them luck on THEIR SPECIAL DAY,
and fight the issue some other time.
posted by Flood at 12:10 PM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Does the fiancee come from a culture where cash gifts are customary? I mean, for example even if you all live in the US (where the dominant culture is as you say, no mention of gifts at all in the wedding invitation, minimal mention of gift giving preferences at all), that doesn't mean that all people who live in the US go by that. A lot of immigrant communities maintain traditional beliefs about wedding gifts, including the practice of openly, even publicly, giving cash.

So if fiancee is from a culture like that, I can see it being appropriate to send a cash envelope with the invitation. Maybe that's just what her family does?

However, none of the cultural stuff requires you to give cash, or any gift at all.

It seems to me that your brother has told you no gift at all would be fine. So... no gift it is, then. If you're desperate to mark the occasion in some way, I'd do something personal that wouldn't have monetary value. But it doesn't sound here like you're trying to find a way to mark a happy occasion. So.... do nothing?
posted by Sara C. at 12:11 PM on February 14, 2012

Is your brother more of Ask type or a Guess type? (You know him better than we do.)

If he's an Ask type, then "no gift is fine" means "no gift is fine."

If he's a Guess type, then "no gift is fine" means "if you don't get us a gift we may hold it against you for years."

If possible, I'd like to keep this as low-drama as possible

Option #2 is the obvious minimal-drama option if you don't know whether your brother is Ask or Guess (but I hope you do). That conflicts with your "don't give cash" principle, but you need to decide which principle takes precedence: "minimize drama" or "don't give cash."

P.S. All the "who was invited and who wasn't" stuff is irrelevant. If the non-invited parties are offended, they're capable of being offended without your help, and if they're not offended, it's not your place to take offense on their behalf.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 12:12 PM on February 14, 2012 [8 favorites]

If he's a Guess type, then "no gift is fine" means "if you don't get us a gift we may hold it against you for years."

I should have said "might mean" rather than "means" here. It's possible to be a Guess-type and genuinely not want a gift, and I apologize for having implied otherwise.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 12:18 PM on February 14, 2012

He explicitly asked for no gift, why is this even a discussion? Send no gift. Give a card. Despite what some people think, "no gift" means "no gift".

Allow me to introduce you to my mother.

Back on topic: Don't send a gift. They asked you not to.
posted by emelenjr at 12:25 PM on February 14, 2012

His reply was that I could either give them nothing or, "if you don't like that idea", then I should give them cash for their honeymoon.

Do exactly this. Give him nothing, and if that makes you feel bad, give them cash.

You may not believe in giving cash for any occasion, however he explicitly told you that if you really wanted to give them something, they'd rather have cash than a gift. I understand not wanting to give cash as a random gift to someone, but your brother obviously does not see it as tacky (tacky on your part, I mean), and he's your brother for God's sake! I would imagine that being part of the same family would allow you to sidestep certain rules of etiquette without worrying about how your image is coming across.
posted by ohmy at 12:26 PM on February 14, 2012

No cash. Just a card. Better yet, given how poorly he treats you, send your template "best wishes" via one of those cheesy email greeting cards.

Don't waste another minute of your time dwelling on people who just make you unhappy. Life's really too short that.
posted by runningdogofcapitalism at 12:27 PM on February 14, 2012

I'd give them a copy of one of Miss Manners' books, with some pertinent paragraphs helpfully highlighted within.

More seriously, just give your brother and his bride whatever you want to give them, and whatever you can give them graciously and ungrudgingly. Only those who attend the wedding are obliged by the rules of etiquette to give the bride and groom a wedding present, so you can just send a card, or whatever you'd genuinely like them to have, be it cash or something you thoughtfully picked out.

Then forget all about it.
posted by orange swan at 12:28 PM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Another vote for sending the card with a heartfelt message inside. I also love the idea of taking what you would have spent on a gift and donating it to a charity in their name, especially if it benefits a cause they're passionate about.
posted by SisterHavana at 12:28 PM on February 14, 2012

Buy yourselves a kick ass bottle of champagne and tell your brother and fiancee you'll drink a toast to them both.
posted by veryape at 12:30 PM on February 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

How to stop feeling bad about this:

Try to think of your expectations and your brother's expectations as two different systems which may be incompatible with each other but morally and pragmatically equivalent; neither is "right" or "wrong", or "better" or "worse". Instead of thinking about how your brother's system is wrong and bad, examine how it is different from your expectations and focus on how your needs and preferences are or aren't fulfilled by your brother's system, and how his needs and preferences might be different from yours. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with how he chooses to do things; it just doesn't work that well for you.

He's offering blue pants when you are in the mood for red pants. There's nothing objectively wrong with blue pants.

If this were something you were planning together as a team it would be important for you to communicate to him (as non-judgmentally as possible) how the proposed system is inadequate given your needs and preferences, but this is his wedding. Just understand that you and he have different ways of doing things, based on your different personalities and life histories and inner worlds, and it's okay. When you plan your own wedding or announce your own impending child or choose Christmas presents for people, you can do it your way, and that's okay too.

(Send a card and no money imho, since that's what seems to be within his expressed constraints and your comfort zone.)
posted by thirteenkiller at 12:32 PM on February 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm also wondering why this is even a question, since he explicitly said to send no gift. Send no gift. If you want to do something nice with the $150, then donate it to charity, or spend it on yourself, or give it to me.

To hell with people who don't say what they actually mean.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:32 PM on February 14, 2012

You're already skipping your brother's wedding. You may as well just send a card and no gift, too.
posted by amro at 12:33 PM on February 14, 2012 [3 favorites]

Were I being charitable, and I am going to be charitable, I would say that maybe your brother is just really tone-deaf and inconsiderate in a lot of ways, but not necessarily an asshole.

It's possible that he would very strongly prefer to receive nothing at all but knows that you basically can't tell people that, especially for a wedding - this is a fantastic way to guarantee you'll get all sorts of crap you don't need - and the envelope was his clumsy way of precluding that. So he might be a bit of a bonehead about this, is what I'm saying, but if he's being honest and really doesn't want anything, then his boneheadedness is mostly his problem, not yours.

So just send the card with best wishes and all that, and maybe a nice personalized message, and leave it at that. Yeah, he's being a bit thick about this, and by even a generous estimate he's making a mistake, but it's his mistake to make and everyone involved seems to know it.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:36 PM on February 14, 2012

Uh, you asked, and he told you. I guess I don't understand why this is a dilemma. You don't want to give him cash, so you don't give him a gift. Send a card, expressing your best wished to him on his wedding day, and let it go. If he balks later, tell him that you trusted him when he said not to get him anything unless it was cash, and change the subject.
posted by juniperesque at 12:36 PM on February 14, 2012

Your two options here are: Give Cash or Give Nothing. If you don't want to give cash for any reason, then give nothing. Any other option and you risk being passive agressive.
posted by 2bucksplus at 12:37 PM on February 14, 2012

If possible, I'd like to keep this as low-drama as possible (I plan on sending whatever it is I decide on giving and never mentioning any of this to them or anyone besides my SO). I'd also like do the right thing. If there is a right thing of course.

The grown up thing to do is let them be happy with their wedding and follow their wishes regardless of how you view those wishes. Send them a nice letter. The childish thing to do is ask what they want and then do whatever makes you feel good.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 12:39 PM on February 14, 2012

He said no gift. So, don't send a gift. He's either being direct and doesn't really want a gift (which you should respect: ergo, no gift) or passive-aggressive and he does really want a gift (which you should refuse to induldge: ergo, no gift).

Send a card, wish him well, and, as suggested upthread, either donate the $150 or take your grandparents out to dinner.
posted by scody at 12:40 PM on February 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

If this were certain people in my circle, he'd've have said "no gift" because he didn't want you to feel that a gift made your absence okay with him.
posted by small_ruminant at 12:44 PM on February 14, 2012

Sort of a "you can't buy me off" thing
posted by small_ruminant at 12:44 PM on February 14, 2012

Card, no cash. That draws a line under your discomfort with the wedding ceremonials, and you can move on from there.
posted by holgate at 12:45 PM on February 14, 2012

Any advice on how to let this go would be great too. I am very cross about how they have behaved in the lead-up to this wedding, and their history with gifts indicates they won't thank me regardless of what I do. I don't want to think about this anymore, but I am having trouble not getting worked up about it whenever I think about it.

Keep in mind that whatever you do about the gift question, it isn't gonna make you feel less cross or less inclined to be worked up.

In a way that's good news. If you were looking for a perfect magical gift (or, uh, lack-of-gift) that bestows peace of mind on the giver and would instantly, magically make you feel better about things.... well, you'd be looking for a long time, because no such magical gift exists.

Send a nice card and get it over with. And then, after you've done that, address the totally separate question of how to deal with your own feelings about the situations. (Possible approaches: tell your brother what's on your mind and try to sort it out; keep your mouth shut and just be angry and that's okay, there's nothing wrong with being angry, it doesn't make you a bad person; keep your mouth shut and find some way of letting go of the whole thing that doesn't involve gifts with magical properties.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:47 PM on February 14, 2012

It sounds like it's all the history and backstory of the relationships that bother you, not his answer to the gift thing? Because, you *asked* what he wanted, and he said money. You didn't have to ask. That said, you also don't have to give the person what they asked for. I think if you hope to have a good relationship with someone in the future, you should give them a gift of some kind on such an occasion, even if they kind of act like jerks or, after asking what they wanted, you don't like their answer. I would send a card with money, probably, or a gift card. You did say that you love your brother dearly and want to help celebrate.

And yeah, all that backstory is annoying, and I understand the impulse to not give them anything.
posted by Occula at 12:53 PM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

5. Make a donation. Ideally to something they care about, but something you care about counts too: They either don't need it, don't want it, or they're being annoying about it. So why not put your money somewhere where it will be useful and appreciated. Presented properly, they might even feel that it was a nice gesture.
posted by Ys at 12:53 PM on February 14, 2012

I have always heard that a gift is just that. In other words, the recipient can't decide what you should give them.
posted by annsunny at 1:06 PM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

I would send a card with the cash. It's the right thing to acknowledge them and congratulate them at their wedding, and it's the right thing to give them what they want. It's never wrong to do the right thing, even if they're super weird about gift-giving themselves.
posted by sonika at 1:24 PM on February 14, 2012

I think you can send a note that will show the lovely couple that you do care and are happy for them.

No cash. If they are in a position to set up a household and be part of the community, then they don't need wedding gifts.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 1:31 PM on February 14, 2012

Keep in mind that a gift is for the recipient, not for you. No matter how awesome the thing is that you could get with $150 -- I personally would love that kind of gift -- the fact of the matter is that they don't want anything but cash, so no matter how cool of a gift you found them, they wouldn't like it better than cash.

I know many think that's tacky, but frankly, I find that kind of honesty refreshing. Far better to give someone what they really want and know that it's appreciated, than throw away that money on some white elephant that will end up in the trash or boxed away forever in an attic, and benefit nobody.
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 1:34 PM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Look, this is obviously poor etiquette, particularly if you're in the USA (putting registry info and requests etc in with the invitations is seen as relatively OK in Australia and in the UK too iirc.) However, as someone who has too much stuff already, I have a certain sympathy for what they're trying to do. I don't think that friends and family, no matter how well-intentioned, should be able to pile me up with stuff that decreases my quality of life. While I suspect the gap between "cash would be our preference" and "cash only" crosses a line, would you prefer they just gave everything to charity after writing their thank-you notes? I don't think it's reasonable to give people stuff they may not want and demand they keep it forever.

Your comment about stretching the gift budget by getting something on sale also gives me pause, to be honest. I'm a bargain shopper myself and I know it's possible to buy something that looks far more impressive than its cash value would suggest. However, in my experience anyway, finding such a bargain that is also a really good fit for the person or couple concerned (such that, if you saw it at full price, you would have wished you could get it for them) is surpassingly rare. I suspect that going shopping with $150 and the desire to buy a gift that looks like it cost $500 might actually yield less suitable gifts than if you removed that stipulation. So be careful of that.

Bottom line, I would say send only a card or a handwritten letter, and think of your brother and his fiancee as just being a little ruthless in preserving their way of life.
posted by Cheese Monster at 1:45 PM on February 14, 2012

Having planned a wedding before, I am in agreedment with Cheese Monster. Especially with regards to weddings, it's best to assume positive intent, even if the person in question is clumsy about it. Send a card with a meaningful letter; it'll be much more memorable than any check.
posted by theraflu at 1:56 PM on February 14, 2012

Like kellyblah, I was too was with him until they included the money envelope which is just so, so tasteless.

My SO and I are both of the mind that we don't give cash as a gift for any occasion.

I hate any and all gift giving occasions because as we have seen in this thread, gift giving and receiving makes people lose their damn minds. However, I have always operated under the idea that the gift I give is something that the recipient theoretically wants, rather than something I want to give them. They do not want whatever bargain item you can find for them, and if you are morally opposed to giving cash, don't get them something that they are going to have to find a way to dispose of because they didn't want it in the first place. Just send them a card with your congratulations and call it a day.
posted by crankylex at 2:50 PM on February 14, 2012

I want to help them celebrate their wedding especially because I will be so far away on the day. I love my brother dearly and admire his many wonderful qualities.
...
Are there any options I'm missing? What do you think is the best option in this situation?

None of your options solve your problem. Granted, as everyone has pointed out, it shouldn't be your problem, but sometimes with family that's not possible. One more option I can think of is finding something you think he'd like, and then running it by him: "hey, I know you said you didn't want a gift for your wedding, but I'd really like to get you something physical to remind you guys I'm excited for you and wish I were there--how about X?"

If he says no, then just send a card, and you're in the same situation. The only downside I can think of is there's a chance he'll say, if you really want to get him a present, he wants Y, which costs $500. (Hopefully he is thoughtful enough not to do this, but he sounds a little oblivious.)

Any advice on how to let this go would be great too. I am very cross about how they have behaved in the lead-up to this wedding, and their history with gifts indicates they won't thank me regardless of what I do. I don't want to think about this anymore, but I am having trouble not getting worked up about it whenever I think about it.

Just know that you are not alone--not alone in the world (see: bridezilla), and not alone in your family (see: your brother's and mother's reaction). Complain to your SO, then laugh it off. For my 2 cents, you sound like you're doing a great job as a sibling.
posted by _Silky_ at 2:55 PM on February 14, 2012

While I think your Brother is not acting in a very "classy" way, at the end of the day if he'll take cash as a gift I'd go ahead and send cash. This pretty much guarantees that no drama will be created. He can do whatever he wants with the money and you don't have to worry about him not liking your gift or even worse saying something negative like, "this microwave is a useless gift. You should have just given me cash." This will also ensure that you don't feel guilty about not giving a gift. He said no gift or just give cash. If you wanna give something...then go with the cash. To be honest, my wife and I wished everybody would just give us cash. We did a wedding registry for our honeymoon which basically helped pay for the majority of our honeymoon and put money towards paying for the wedding which wasn't very extravagant. We didn't need other things like plates, fridges...we already had it. Hope this helps you.
posted by ljs30 at 3:21 PM on February 14, 2012

He gave you the option of giving him nothing, so give him nothing.

I think you're going to be angry about this for as long as he continues to treat you rudely, so just be polite back. For example, it might seem like fun to self-righteously one-up him by donating to a charity, but don't. You asked what he wanted, he said nothing or cash, take him at his word.
posted by tel3path at 3:44 PM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'd be tempted, after the wedding, to ask "what is up?! How did your wedding get so complicated? It really seems like you set out to exclude or punish people for being related to you. Like you wanted to exclude people and then made up rules to rationalize it. I'm so confused and disappointed."
posted by vitabellosi at 4:36 PM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

I have always heard that a gift is just that. In other words, the recipient can't decide what you should give them.

Yet, it is something given with the intent to give some kind of pleasure or enjoyment or utility to the recipient. The primary goal in gift giving should be "is this something the recipient will enjoy or use?" Any concern other than that is the ego of the gift giver manifesting itself. In other words, it's the thought that counts. And all too often, the giver is more invested in their own self-image.

I come from, and intend on perpetuating, the culture where you give cash at weddings. They are terribly expensive, and wedding gifts are just crap you have to deal with. How many bookends, sets of candlesticks and toasters does one family need?
posted by gjc at 5:31 PM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

All you can do is listen to what he's told you - if you want drama, then you ignore it and do whatever you want.

You can't know the why behind it.
posted by mleigh at 6:11 PM on February 14, 2012

I would send them a card and a small sentimental gift: A matted and framed picture of your brother when he was a young boy, maybe along with one of each of your parents and grandparents. Do some research on your family name and write up a little overview on nice paper. Put together a collection of love poems. Give a salt cellar and a bread recipe if you two watched "It's a Wonderful Life" together as kids every year and want to toast their marriage like the Baileys did for the Martinis' new house. Write down your family's favorite recipes for the new couple. Go to an old print shop and find an old map or engraving of the place where they're getting married or honeymooning. Buy copies of major newspapers and magazines on the day they get married, then give them as a set on their first anniversary. Get them a nice corkscrew, maybe engraved with their wedding date. Have their wedding invitation engraved onto a simple silver(-plate) tray, or decoupaged onto a wood one or whatever. If they're big game players, get their initials and wedding date printed (tastefully, of course) on the back of a few decks of cards.

Make it self-evident that it is the thought that counts here, more powerfully than whatever weird dynamics he's trying to inject. I think you'll feel much better adding some warmth into this interaction, rather than mirroring his coldness with your own.
posted by argonauta at 6:30 PM on February 14, 2012

My SO and I are both of the mind that we don't give cash as a gift for any occasion.

Bear in mind, this is your own idiosyncrasy. Their behavior in general sounds bad; but preferring cash over gifts is not part of that.

If you like them enough to go to the wedding, you like them enough to give them a gift, and the gift is cash. If you don't like them enough to get a gift, you don't like them enough to go to the wedding. The form of the gift is immaterial; you're conflating their (very real) rude behavior with your arbitrary declarations of what gifts "should" be.
posted by spaltavian at 7:34 PM on February 14, 2012

They may be well aware that they have more than most of the people they know/are related to, so they're not asking for gifts because they don't need anything. The cash thing is just for people who feel like they HAVE to give something. They may have a weird way of expressing it because the inequality makes them uncomfortable, and maybe they're not quite mature enough to understand how to handle it graciously. Or maybe they're just boors. Who knows?

Send them a card, and if you have to give a gift, make a donation to a charity they like (or that you like and they wouldn't object to) in their name. It's a nice gesture.
posted by elizeh at 7:52 PM on February 14, 2012

If this were my irritating and unreasonable brother, I'd just send a card with the $150 and remind myself that I don't need to give them many gifts in the future. I totally understand your point of view, especially since your earlier gift wasn't acknowledged. But with family members, you might be better off not making it into a thing.
posted by wryly at 10:32 AM on February 15, 2012