Hope sucks.
January 2, 2012 2:24 PM Subscribe
I can get over the rejection - how do I stop getting my hopes up, if it's never going to happen?
I'm very, very socially awkward. I think I might be on the Autism spectrum (I got a 35 on that test.) I'm a lonely girl looking for a guy who will accept me and can communicate with me.
I found a guy - a possible guy - online. I know. He's not skeevy, AFAIK. He and I have been chatting the entire weekend on gchat, and we have a lot in common. I flirted, he said some things that I took as flirting, we both expressed that we'd like to continue talking, that we each felt something more* - and that we're both attracted to each other. The only picture he saw of me was my face, though.
I am exceptionally self-conscious and self-critical, and my body image is crap. I don't think I'm large (I'm in the US, size 8 - 10), but I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see. I can't stand photos of myself. I have a single picture of myself on facebook and google plus, the same photo of my face that he saw. I've kind of danced around the subject of what he's attracted to, and he gave me a vague answer about everyone, based on personality, etc. That's not all there is to relationships, though - everyone has to be somewhat attracted to their mate. Even if he were attracted to me, we've got a big setback: he lives on another continent, like across a big, giant ocean.
We've both got access to each others' networking sites. I looked at his photos, which were actual pictures of him. (All I have is that one photo of me, and pictures of my kids on mine.) He's great-looking. Great body, handsome, and physically fit. I started to feel like I needed to change my profile pic, so that he would at least have the option to see what the rest of me looks like.
He already knows about my self-esteem issue. I emailed it to him, a photo from today, and asked if he thought it was good enough to use as a profile pic. He told me sure, that it was "nice." I don't want nice, of course. I explained that I asked for his advice because I knew he would be honest, and that if my body type isn't what he's looking for, that's ok, just tell me now.
So, here is the issue: I threw myself out there, got rejected (even if he didn't mean it that way - I'm still not sure - he speaks another language), and handled it as gracefully as I could afterward. (Grace is not my strong suit.) Rejection sucks, but it sucks so much more if you have hopes of something in the future. How do I learn to control that somehow?
*Yes, I know, it was over a very, very short time, but when I talk to him, I feel like he understands me - and I feel like I understand him, which is so, so strange for me. It's hard to explain, but I feel like there is a very strong connection, and this isn't my first rodeo. I know that good relationships are built on similar morals, attraction, good communication - there's just a very strong connection. I'm also keeping in mind that it might feel all wonderful and fantastic now because he's on another continent.
I'm very, very socially awkward. I think I might be on the Autism spectrum (I got a 35 on that test.) I'm a lonely girl looking for a guy who will accept me and can communicate with me.
I found a guy - a possible guy - online. I know. He's not skeevy, AFAIK. He and I have been chatting the entire weekend on gchat, and we have a lot in common. I flirted, he said some things that I took as flirting, we both expressed that we'd like to continue talking, that we each felt something more* - and that we're both attracted to each other. The only picture he saw of me was my face, though.
I am exceptionally self-conscious and self-critical, and my body image is crap. I don't think I'm large (I'm in the US, size 8 - 10), but I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see. I can't stand photos of myself. I have a single picture of myself on facebook and google plus, the same photo of my face that he saw. I've kind of danced around the subject of what he's attracted to, and he gave me a vague answer about everyone, based on personality, etc. That's not all there is to relationships, though - everyone has to be somewhat attracted to their mate. Even if he were attracted to me, we've got a big setback: he lives on another continent, like across a big, giant ocean.
We've both got access to each others' networking sites. I looked at his photos, which were actual pictures of him. (All I have is that one photo of me, and pictures of my kids on mine.) He's great-looking. Great body, handsome, and physically fit. I started to feel like I needed to change my profile pic, so that he would at least have the option to see what the rest of me looks like.
He already knows about my self-esteem issue. I emailed it to him, a photo from today, and asked if he thought it was good enough to use as a profile pic. He told me sure, that it was "nice." I don't want nice, of course. I explained that I asked for his advice because I knew he would be honest, and that if my body type isn't what he's looking for, that's ok, just tell me now.
So, here is the issue: I threw myself out there, got rejected (even if he didn't mean it that way - I'm still not sure - he speaks another language), and handled it as gracefully as I could afterward. (Grace is not my strong suit.) Rejection sucks, but it sucks so much more if you have hopes of something in the future. How do I learn to control that somehow?
*Yes, I know, it was over a very, very short time, but when I talk to him, I feel like he understands me - and I feel like I understand him, which is so, so strange for me. It's hard to explain, but I feel like there is a very strong connection, and this isn't my first rodeo. I know that good relationships are built on similar morals, attraction, good communication - there's just a very strong connection. I'm also keeping in mind that it might feel all wonderful and fantastic now because he's on another continent.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
He told me sure, that it was "nice." I don't want nice, of course.
Honestly it's not someone else's job to shore up your admittedly low self esteem, and most people will resent being counted on to do so (and you're still better off with these people than the ones who'll use it as a way to twist you into doing whatever they want).
You were dishonest and manipulative in your approach. You sent him the photo on the pretense of choosing a new profile pic, all you really wanted to do was ask him a bunch of personal questions about the possibility of getting together. His "nice" response was perfectly valid, a tactful way of getting out of the awkward position you put him in.
He's probably guarded about what he tells you because he doesn't to get your hopes up w/r/t the possibility of an long-distance emotional or physical affair with you, regardless of how strong or reciprocal the connection may be. That's a completely fair and rational way of handling things, and it's unfair to use it to validate bad things you think about yourself. Unfair to both of you, really.
Anyhow, when you're down on yourself, it's way easier to fixate on fantasy scenarios than scary real-life possibilities. Really though, I think you need to face what you have in your room, in your town, if you want to feel better about yourself.
posted by hermitosis at 2:43 PM on January 2, 2012 [6 favorites]
Honestly it's not someone else's job to shore up your admittedly low self esteem, and most people will resent being counted on to do so (and you're still better off with these people than the ones who'll use it as a way to twist you into doing whatever they want).
You were dishonest and manipulative in your approach. You sent him the photo on the pretense of choosing a new profile pic, all you really wanted to do was ask him a bunch of personal questions about the possibility of getting together. His "nice" response was perfectly valid, a tactful way of getting out of the awkward position you put him in.
He's probably guarded about what he tells you because he doesn't to get your hopes up w/r/t the possibility of an long-distance emotional or physical affair with you, regardless of how strong or reciprocal the connection may be. That's a completely fair and rational way of handling things, and it's unfair to use it to validate bad things you think about yourself. Unfair to both of you, really.
Anyhow, when you're down on yourself, it's way easier to fixate on fantasy scenarios than scary real-life possibilities. Really though, I think you need to face what you have in your room, in your town, if you want to feel better about yourself.
posted by hermitosis at 2:43 PM on January 2, 2012 [6 favorites]
I don't think you got rejected. I've never done any online dating. However, in his position, in your stage of communication with him, I would never say anything stronger than something like "nice" to describe someone's (attractive) picture, exactly because I'm extremely self-conscious about how my words are taken, and extremely aware of the fact that other people are on high skeevitude-alert when communicating with strangers online. It seems plausible, from your description of yourself, together with the fact that you and he have a lot in common, that he behaved more or less how I would, i.e. said something mildly positive when his actual opinion was actually more positive.
If the way you handled it leaves open the opportunity of talking to him again, why not ask what he meant by "nice"? Any bad consequence of your online interaction with this person is unlikely to be as painful as what's already happened in you own head, it sounds like. I claim that any further interaction with him will therefore be a pleasant surprise.
You seemed to have (likely) misinterpreted someone else's opinion of you as negative, or at least more negative than you're justified in believing it to be. I do this all the time. My solution is usually just to slow down a bit and try to separate my interpretation of an interaction from the actual facts of the interaction. I still end up feeling bad about recent interactions, sometimes, but I'm usually pleasantly surprised, in exactly the way I claim you will be, by my next interaction with that person: whatever I feel I did/said/am that caused the other person to judge me negatively usually turns out to be more minor than I thought, or even not to exist at all.
posted by kengraham at 2:47 PM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
If the way you handled it leaves open the opportunity of talking to him again, why not ask what he meant by "nice"? Any bad consequence of your online interaction with this person is unlikely to be as painful as what's already happened in you own head, it sounds like. I claim that any further interaction with him will therefore be a pleasant surprise.
You seemed to have (likely) misinterpreted someone else's opinion of you as negative, or at least more negative than you're justified in believing it to be. I do this all the time. My solution is usually just to slow down a bit and try to separate my interpretation of an interaction from the actual facts of the interaction. I still end up feeling bad about recent interactions, sometimes, but I'm usually pleasantly surprised, in exactly the way I claim you will be, by my next interaction with that person: whatever I feel I did/said/am that caused the other person to judge me negatively usually turns out to be more minor than I thought, or even not to exist at all.
posted by kengraham at 2:47 PM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
What is your actual dating history like? Because what you're describing above is very many steps away from actual live dating, and if it is causing you this much anxiety, I wonder what may have happened previously in your dating life as far as things you have perceived as rejections.
And I wonder, why are your hopes up so high on this *one* person, who you have talked to for *one weekend*, and who's in a sense unavailable since he's so far away? That's the question that comes to mind for me. Is this maybe a way of you giving yourself a hint that you might not be totally ready to do the dating thing right now, and maybe might need to focus on yourself and learning how to feel more confident and strong about yourself on your own?
posted by so_gracefully at 2:52 PM on January 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
And I wonder, why are your hopes up so high on this *one* person, who you have talked to for *one weekend*, and who's in a sense unavailable since he's so far away? That's the question that comes to mind for me. Is this maybe a way of you giving yourself a hint that you might not be totally ready to do the dating thing right now, and maybe might need to focus on yourself and learning how to feel more confident and strong about yourself on your own?
posted by so_gracefully at 2:52 PM on January 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
He and I have been chatting the entire weekend on gchat
It's a personal opinion, not shared by all, but I think the above is the problem. Personally, I have found that hours chatting like this is wasted time and false hopes, because you will learn a lot quicker (and with far more certainty) if things might go anywhere - and if you want things to go anywhere - by simply meeting for 20 minutes. Even if it's a little awkward.
You don't say if you met at a dating site, versus some other online venue, but effective online dating IMO is enough pictures quickly enough that any body-type concerns or deal-breakers are out of the way immediately, and the chatting you do is simply to check that there is enough connection for a quick mini-date (not three hours of dinner and romance, but just stopping in at the same coffee shop after work)
Especially when shy or socially awkward, this seems counter-intuitive to avoid spending time in the safe zone of text, but I think the more you date, the more you find that it's hindering and hurting to spend time building expectations of people you've never met.
The beauty of online dating for socially awkward people is not chatting by text, but being able to set up a meeting by text that bypasses the crap involved in asking someone out in person. You get a date where both people know that it's a date, and all that confusion and second-guessing is solved and done, and all you have to do is show up. (And figure out how to talk to each other :-))
posted by -harlequin- at 2:53 PM on January 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
It's a personal opinion, not shared by all, but I think the above is the problem. Personally, I have found that hours chatting like this is wasted time and false hopes, because you will learn a lot quicker (and with far more certainty) if things might go anywhere - and if you want things to go anywhere - by simply meeting for 20 minutes. Even if it's a little awkward.
You don't say if you met at a dating site, versus some other online venue, but effective online dating IMO is enough pictures quickly enough that any body-type concerns or deal-breakers are out of the way immediately, and the chatting you do is simply to check that there is enough connection for a quick mini-date (not three hours of dinner and romance, but just stopping in at the same coffee shop after work)
Especially when shy or socially awkward, this seems counter-intuitive to avoid spending time in the safe zone of text, but I think the more you date, the more you find that it's hindering and hurting to spend time building expectations of people you've never met.
The beauty of online dating for socially awkward people is not chatting by text, but being able to set up a meeting by text that bypasses the crap involved in asking someone out in person. You get a date where both people know that it's a date, and all that confusion and second-guessing is solved and done, and all you have to do is show up. (And figure out how to talk to each other :-))
posted by -harlequin- at 2:53 PM on January 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
Ok, maybe you can clarify a bit why you think he's rejected you by saying your picture looked "nice" since I don't really follow. But I'll try to answer your general question:
how do I stop getting my hopes up, if it's never going to happen?
I'm going to assume you haven't dated online much. It's really easy to feel a connection through online chat, for two reasons:
- it's easy for each person to tailor their conversation style to what they think the other person wants to hear
- it's easy for each person to project a lot onto the other person based on a few throw-away lines of chat
The solution is to internalize the idea that if you've only talked to someone online, you don't know them at all. Before you start getting your hopes up you need to organize a real live date, or at the very least of skype session, to actually see if there's any chemistry.
Unsolicited advice: dropping your neuroses onto someone after talking to them online for a weekend isn't the greatest way to start a relationship. It's probably a good sign that you should be working on getting your house in order and learning to love yourself before going out and looking for a partner. If you don't think you're pretty, no guy is going to be able to convince you otherwise. Good luck!
posted by no regrets, coyote at 2:54 PM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
how do I stop getting my hopes up, if it's never going to happen?
I'm going to assume you haven't dated online much. It's really easy to feel a connection through online chat, for two reasons:
- it's easy for each person to tailor their conversation style to what they think the other person wants to hear
- it's easy for each person to project a lot onto the other person based on a few throw-away lines of chat
The solution is to internalize the idea that if you've only talked to someone online, you don't know them at all. Before you start getting your hopes up you need to organize a real live date, or at the very least of skype session, to actually see if there's any chemistry.
Unsolicited advice: dropping your neuroses onto someone after talking to them online for a weekend isn't the greatest way to start a relationship. It's probably a good sign that you should be working on getting your house in order and learning to love yourself before going out and looking for a partner. If you don't think you're pretty, no guy is going to be able to convince you otherwise. Good luck!
posted by no regrets, coyote at 2:54 PM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling down - that's not a fun feeling :-( At least for me, I think it's very emotionally dangerous to meet people online and talk to them extendedly online, without meeting them in person. It's not even so much that a person will project a false persona (although that can happen), but more that you have a very 2D image of someone, and your mind tends to fill in the gaps in the way most beguiling to you. It's very easy to romanticize someone you've met online as understanding you perfectly (in your case), or imagining that they're attractive to you and complement you in just the way you're looking for (possibly in his case), only to find that the real person doesn't match the contours of the illusion your mind conjured. I think it's difficult to know if you have a mutual connection on multiple levels unless you meet in person, although YMMV of course.
In terms of stopping the pain of being rejected: you can't. That's part of it. But if you don't have all your eggs in one basket, romantically or otherwise, having one possibility broken will sting less. It sounds to me that if you try to cultivate other potential romantic interests in your area, you'll have a clearer sense of whether there's mutual attraction from the get-go, and you'll feel less emotionally invested at such an early stage in someone from another continent. I guarantee you there are people in whom you will be interested closer to your area, whom you can meet in person. And I also guarantee you that there are men whom you are attracted to, who will find you attractive and delightful, just as you are (size and personality).
posted by UniversityNomad at 2:54 PM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
In terms of stopping the pain of being rejected: you can't. That's part of it. But if you don't have all your eggs in one basket, romantically or otherwise, having one possibility broken will sting less. It sounds to me that if you try to cultivate other potential romantic interests in your area, you'll have a clearer sense of whether there's mutual attraction from the get-go, and you'll feel less emotionally invested at such an early stage in someone from another continent. I guarantee you there are people in whom you will be interested closer to your area, whom you can meet in person. And I also guarantee you that there are men whom you are attracted to, who will find you attractive and delightful, just as you are (size and personality).
posted by UniversityNomad at 2:54 PM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
What's wrong with nice? Nice means you are batting above average! Nice looking opens up 90% of the dating market to you, and you do not want to date the other 10%. Nice looking got me a million dates with a million great guys and being nice scored me an ace husband and an annoyingly happy marriage. Nice will take you where everybody wants to go, honeybunch.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:00 PM on January 2, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 3:00 PM on January 2, 2012 [6 favorites]
You are kind of being a little bit foolish. It may be one thong to come here and ask these questions if these was a reasonable expectation you would actually.. you know... meet. However, you have talked to someone online over a few days and they are an ocean away and already you are bean-plating it.
He may be a great guy. You may be a fantastic lady. But in the absence of A LOT more talking and at least one of you having access to a butt-load of disposable income to make the trip multiple times, this is honestly a dead end. Especially given your level of concern over a 'nice'.
I am not going to come out and give the blanket Metafilter advice™, but will say I hope you seek out ways to help improve your self-image. That can go a long way to solving most of what you have written about. A insecure beautiful person is a lot lot lot less attractive than an average looking person with confidence and grace.
good luck and move on to someone local
posted by edgeways at 3:05 PM on January 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
He may be a great guy. You may be a fantastic lady. But in the absence of A LOT more talking and at least one of you having access to a butt-load of disposable income to make the trip multiple times, this is honestly a dead end. Especially given your level of concern over a 'nice'.
I am not going to come out and give the blanket Metafilter advice™, but will say I hope you seek out ways to help improve your self-image. That can go a long way to solving most of what you have written about. A insecure beautiful person is a lot lot lot less attractive than an average looking person with confidence and grace.
good luck and move on to someone local
posted by edgeways at 3:05 PM on January 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
Nobody will ever be able to like you enough to make up for you not liking yourself.
posted by toomuchpete at 3:09 PM on January 2, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by toomuchpete at 3:09 PM on January 2, 2012 [9 favorites]
Chatting on GMail is not a real connection, and you're projecting a lot onto some text - "It's hard to explain, but I feel like there is a very strong connection, and this isn't my first rodeo." The ability to enjoy some successes means putting a bit more on the line than you are doing now.
Meet in person. Date in person. You'll still have the same woes as the rest of us do or did, of course, but when those "real connections" that you can't explain happen, you'll have the immediate opportunity to play them out.
posted by ellF at 3:16 PM on January 2, 2012
Meet in person. Date in person. You'll still have the same woes as the rest of us do or did, of course, but when those "real connections" that you can't explain happen, you'll have the immediate opportunity to play them out.
posted by ellF at 3:16 PM on January 2, 2012
1. Why do you believe that someone saying your picture is "nice" means that they are not attracted to you?
2. Why are you letting any one person be the arbiter of whether you are inherently attractive and lovable? What if he had said he thought you were the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen? Does that make it more or less true than if he'd said that he actually prefers more voluptuous women, or redheads, or women with purple eyes, or men?
3. Why does the fact that this specific (near-impossible) relationship might not deepen mean that "it's never going to happen" EVER, and make you feel the need to seek out strategies here to stop yourself from even hoping for love or affection in your life?
I've been in your shoes. I've felt all of these things. I've poured hours and hours and hours of emotional energy into non-relationships with unavailable men. I've also benefited tremendously from talk therapy and medication, which may prove similarly helpful to you. There is absolutely no reason why what happens in this one episode with this one man means anything about whether there is real, mutually-desirous love for you in the world -- it may just be hard for you to reset your perspective on that without some outside help.
posted by argonauta at 3:21 PM on January 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
2. Why are you letting any one person be the arbiter of whether you are inherently attractive and lovable? What if he had said he thought you were the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen? Does that make it more or less true than if he'd said that he actually prefers more voluptuous women, or redheads, or women with purple eyes, or men?
3. Why does the fact that this specific (near-impossible) relationship might not deepen mean that "it's never going to happen" EVER, and make you feel the need to seek out strategies here to stop yourself from even hoping for love or affection in your life?
I've been in your shoes. I've felt all of these things. I've poured hours and hours and hours of emotional energy into non-relationships with unavailable men. I've also benefited tremendously from talk therapy and medication, which may prove similarly helpful to you. There is absolutely no reason why what happens in this one episode with this one man means anything about whether there is real, mutually-desirous love for you in the world -- it may just be hard for you to reset your perspective on that without some outside help.
posted by argonauta at 3:21 PM on January 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
1. Do date in person, as others have suggested. When I imagine men the men I talk to online I conjure up groups of impossibly hot, tall beasts with incredible abs who will glance at me only with vague contempt.
In person, men are weird and worried about being liked and some of them are super hot and some of them are normally attractive, which is in fact really *nice*.
I've gone on plenty of dull internet dates, but the net effect has been that I no longer think the world is full of hot men who don't want me. I now think the world is full of men who are struggling to figure this thing out in the same way I am.
2. If you think you may have Autism, why not see a doc about getting it diagnosed and getting whatever support you can? Also, you may find an online support community where you can find out how others have navigated these rocky waters. Socially awkward is not necessarily autistic, though, it could be part of your general ... um, bad feelings about yourself. (not sure how to put that).
3. Seek out other people, friends, to understand and listen to you. And try listening to and understanding them. Do some social stuff. This will help you with the awkwardness and it will help you to feel less alone. It's easier to approach dating lightheartedly if you already have some of your big needs met elsewhere.
4. At times in my life I have sincerely believed I was too unattractive to be at all perceived as sexual. At other times I have sincerely believed I was a sex goddess. Don't sink too much credibility in your negative self-talk. Read some of the feminist blogs on body image and on appreciating your body for the amazing thing it is and on not waiting until your body looks "ok" to rock climb, dance, date - whatever it is that you're putting off because you think you aren't good enough for it.
Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 3:35 PM on January 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
In person, men are weird and worried about being liked and some of them are super hot and some of them are normally attractive, which is in fact really *nice*.
I've gone on plenty of dull internet dates, but the net effect has been that I no longer think the world is full of hot men who don't want me. I now think the world is full of men who are struggling to figure this thing out in the same way I am.
2. If you think you may have Autism, why not see a doc about getting it diagnosed and getting whatever support you can? Also, you may find an online support community where you can find out how others have navigated these rocky waters. Socially awkward is not necessarily autistic, though, it could be part of your general ... um, bad feelings about yourself. (not sure how to put that).
3. Seek out other people, friends, to understand and listen to you. And try listening to and understanding them. Do some social stuff. This will help you with the awkwardness and it will help you to feel less alone. It's easier to approach dating lightheartedly if you already have some of your big needs met elsewhere.
4. At times in my life I have sincerely believed I was too unattractive to be at all perceived as sexual. At other times I have sincerely believed I was a sex goddess. Don't sink too much credibility in your negative self-talk. Read some of the feminist blogs on body image and on appreciating your body for the amazing thing it is and on not waiting until your body looks "ok" to rock climb, dance, date - whatever it is that you're putting off because you think you aren't good enough for it.
Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 3:35 PM on January 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
"Rejection sucks, but it sucks so much more if you have hopes of something in the future. How do I learn to control that somehow?"
Firstly, as others have said, it's hard for anyone to see how this could progress as a relationship, especially with the physical distance there is between you. I'm sure there are many examples of people living half a world away from each other and ending up married but it tends to be (as far as I can tell) when these people have already met in real life and formed some sort of bond - I honestly don't think you can tell from the online personae we all (probably unconsciously) adopt whether you will be a perfect match for someone, or they for you.
What hopes do / did you have for this person? Do you / did you think they would be a good online friend, someone to chat and laugh with online? Did you / do you think this intense weekend conversation was the start of a Grand Passion? It sounds to me like you went from 0 - 60 in a few seconds, comparatively speaking; you were attracted to someone with a photogenic face and a good online manner and extrapolated - what? We all daydream and fantasise, but we also keep a sense of perspective and it sounds like you have temporarily mislaid yours. Maintain a friendship, because friends are generally very good for us, but try and find out more about the person he is before laying your heart at his feet.
It sounds from your description as if you came across as emotionally very vulnerable and open at a stage when you should still be learning about what each other's favourite music is - if he is a decent person, he may have backed away ("rejected" you, as you saw it) as he saw what was happening and didn't want you to get too involved.
You mention children, so I will assume that you have had at least one serious relationship previously - is it possible that you are responding so strongly to this attractive stranger because you see his interest in you as some sort of validation of your sense of worth and attractiveness that has been denied you or damaged by a previous ex? In that case, perhaps exploring this need for external validation might be a way of restoring your sense of perspective and helping to manage your expectations of people and relationships.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 3:35 PM on January 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
Firstly, as others have said, it's hard for anyone to see how this could progress as a relationship, especially with the physical distance there is between you. I'm sure there are many examples of people living half a world away from each other and ending up married but it tends to be (as far as I can tell) when these people have already met in real life and formed some sort of bond - I honestly don't think you can tell from the online personae we all (probably unconsciously) adopt whether you will be a perfect match for someone, or they for you.
What hopes do / did you have for this person? Do you / did you think they would be a good online friend, someone to chat and laugh with online? Did you / do you think this intense weekend conversation was the start of a Grand Passion? It sounds to me like you went from 0 - 60 in a few seconds, comparatively speaking; you were attracted to someone with a photogenic face and a good online manner and extrapolated - what? We all daydream and fantasise, but we also keep a sense of perspective and it sounds like you have temporarily mislaid yours. Maintain a friendship, because friends are generally very good for us, but try and find out more about the person he is before laying your heart at his feet.
It sounds from your description as if you came across as emotionally very vulnerable and open at a stage when you should still be learning about what each other's favourite music is - if he is a decent person, he may have backed away ("rejected" you, as you saw it) as he saw what was happening and didn't want you to get too involved.
You mention children, so I will assume that you have had at least one serious relationship previously - is it possible that you are responding so strongly to this attractive stranger because you see his interest in you as some sort of validation of your sense of worth and attractiveness that has been denied you or damaged by a previous ex? In that case, perhaps exploring this need for external validation might be a way of restoring your sense of perspective and helping to manage your expectations of people and relationships.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 3:35 PM on January 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
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posted by timsneezed at 2:37 PM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]