Could a deeply fulfilling friendship develop into something more?

December 22, 2011 2:53 AM

I’ve recently met an old friend and told her I have deeply loving feelings towards her. She doesn’t feel the same yet we have nevertheless started to spend more and more time together which we both enjoy. Is there any way this can after all develop into something more?

At the end of summer I’ve re-established a friendship with a female friend who I’ve lost touch with a few years ago. I’ve taken this opportunity to tell her not only that I’ve truly missed her, but that I have and still do have deeply loving feelings for her.

At first she was somewhat surprised by that and responded that she would prefer we remained strictly platonic friends, as our personalities are too “incompatible” for anything more.

I was saddened by this, but since I truly love her and appreciate her as a great person, I felt being a friend with her would be fulfilling enough. She also had some emotional problems in these last few months and I felt I want to be there for her if she ever needed me in anyway.

Since that time, we’ve been spending more and more of our time together, mostly going for long walks and sometimes dinners and watching films at her place. We also talk about deeply personal and intimate things and have come to rely on one another for emotional support. I guess we find each others company mutually fulfilling and enjoyable.

During our time together there was a period, where I thought her feelings might have changed so I’ve tried to initiate a more intimate (still non-sexual) approach, but she was not comfortable with that, so we had another talk where we agreed to remain only friends.

Nevertheless, I continue to tell her from time to time that I deeply care for her and love her and she says she’s okay with that and does not find me saying this burdensome in any way (which was what I was afraid of she might).

Now, my question is this. Most of the time, I feel fine with the way things are. I feel my loving feelings are overflowing towards her and I’m glad she is acceptable of those and that I can spend all this time with her. Still from time to time my needy parts come out and want what we have to develop into something more.

So I’m wondering if anyone here had a similar experience where the two partners started out as friends and this later on developed into something more? Or if you have any other thoughts on this, I would appreciate those as well.

Thank you for your replies.

posted by user-orlando to Human Relations (6 answers total)

I didn't really need to read beyond your third paragraph. She's told you she isn't interested. You've tried again - and were rebuffed. So you're clearly NOT "fulfilled" by being just good platonic friends.

This is going to hurt - but break it off for your good and for hers. Don't be that "friend" who's really just waiting for the opportunity to become a lover. It's creepy as hell.

Leave her alone. Find someone who actually WANTS to love you. Because honestly - she doesn't. And she probably never will.

Friends don't have these "needy parts" that come out - and even if she SAYS she's not creeped out by it, that's more than likely her trying to spare your obviously fragile feelings.

For her sake. For your sake. Back off.
posted by Ted Maul at 3:01 AM on December 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

Let me re-order this a bit.

she would prefer we remained strictly platonic friends, as our personalities are too “incompatible” for anything more.

I have deeply loving feelings towards her. She doesn’t feel the same yet emphasis added.

So I’m wondering if anyone here had a similar experience where the two partners started out as friends and this later on developed into something more?

Plenty of relationships start out as friendships, but once you cross the line to express "deeply loving feelings", then you're out of the friend box. You have expressed your feelings. She does not share them. C'est la vie.

This will not change. She will not suddenly or slowly develop a romantic feeling for you that she does not have. You will only disappoint and hurt yourself.

Move on.
posted by three blind mice at 3:03 AM on December 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

...where the two partners started out as friends and this later on developed into something more?

Sure, this happens, but it's not what you're setting yourself up for. You are not platonic friends whose relationship might change in the future; you are craving one sort of relationship NOW, and she wants another. You're both getting something out of the relationship (company, comfort, conversation, attention, proximity, hope, fantasy, etc.), but neither of you is getting the kind of relationship you really want. I'm sure your both nice people, but this girl has been very clear with you that romance is not the kind of relationship she wants. Go seek romance elsewhere.
posted by jon1270 at 3:09 AM on December 22, 2011

had a similar experience where the two partners started out as friends and this later on developed into something more?

Yes, I've dated people I was friends with first, and it's been great. But that's not your situation at all. If a guy I was friends with told me he had feelings for me, and kept telling me that, despite me continually saying I'm not interested, not only would we not become boyfriend & girlfriend, we would eventually stop being friends entirely.

Look, you told her you had "deeply loving feelings" toward her. She said she wasn't interested in being anything but friends. You tried to initiate a "more intimate" relationship when you thought her feelings had changed. She said she just wants to be friends, and she wasn't interested. You "continue to tell her from time to time" that you have feelings for her. She tells you she's not interested. Dude.

How many times does she have to tell you she's not interested before you respect that?

You have no chance with this woman. You have a chance to be her friend, but that's only if you completely back off, stop telling her your feelings for her, and hang out with her as a FRIEND, not as a "friend who's hoping it will turn into something more", because it won't. She's told you as much. Listen to her.
posted by Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo at 3:20 AM on December 22, 2011 [6 favorites]

Worse case scenario, you wear her down and she gives in because she's fond of you, and then neither of you have the relationship you deserve.
posted by b33j at 3:33 AM on December 22, 2011 [2 favorites]

If I were her, I would find it increasingly hard to maintain this friendship because you aren't really acting as much of a friend. I would eventually start to feel overwhelmed and probably a bit defensive around you, which would be a shame if there was a real potential for genuine friendship.

Try and put yourself in her shoes: "It's really good to talk with you and we have fun hanging around and most of the time I feel comfortable with you and can talk about anything, but sometimes there's that look you get that tells me you're on the lookout for a chink in my armour, that I can't let my guard down with you because you might metaphorically pounce again. I've told you a couple of times that I really value your friendship but that I cannot give you anything more and you nod and apologise but I can see that you're not really taking it in, and worst of all, you're not demonstrating that you respect my feelings in all of this. You keep telling me how strong your feelings are, and it's frankly getting a bit overwhelming now. I didn't know what to say at first - I thought you understood me when I said I wasn't interested - but you kept on at me and I'm at a loss as to how to communicate any better with you. You're a great person and I welcome your friendship, but that's it."

I know it's hard to take when someone doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about them, but you have to try to take a step back and give them the room to breathe.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 3:55 AM on December 22, 2011