There's this woman I never wanted to be friends with, and somehow we've been friends for almost 10 years. Is there any way to stop being friends with her without hurting her feelings?
posted by anonymous to human relations (27 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I don't feel good about the way I feel about this friend of mine. She's a sweet person and she means well, but she drives me up the wall. Yet we've been friends for almost 10 years, I was in her wedding, and she considers me one of her inner circle. I really never wanted to be friends with her, and I still don't now, but I don't know how to get out of it. I will try to explain how this happened.
I moved to the West Coast, and quickly started hanging out with my next door neighbor, who is a wonderful friend. We were close from the beginning and we've stayed in contact despite several moves on both our parts. She had a friend from college, who I also liked, but didn't feel quite as connected to. She and I were both at weird times in our lives, and we were both honestly drinking too much and getting into bad relationships, so we partied a lot. But she was a little too wild for me and still kind of clingy and we never really missed each other when we fell out of touch, though we're totally friendly when we see each other at Major Events (weddings, mostly, so far). Which brings us to Gina, who worked with the second girl, the wild one. Gina started coming around more and more of our get-togethers, which we had a lot of, as their coworker bond turned into a real friendship. At first I was just warmly polite to her because that's how you treat people's guests, but I immediately found her to be annoying. I didn't think it mattered, and I'm not one to really talk shit, so I never said anything to my other friends about it. I didn't think she'd really be hanging out that much but then... she was. All the time. And by the time I noticed, it was too late and we became something she called the "fearsome foursome." I feel like she inserted herself into my life, and there was just never a time where I felt like she deserved someone to say to her, "Look, I don't want to be friends anymore for no reason other than the fact that I've always found you annoying."
But that's how I feel.
The opportunity to sort of gracefully drop out of the picture presented itself in the time after I'd moved to the East Coast, all of our common friends finished getting married, and I just sort of called less and less until we never called each other at all. That felt pretty natural to me, although granted, I've moved all over the place since childhood, so I have small handfuls of friends I have fond memories of but never, ever talk to anymore. Perhaps this is cold-hearted, but it just feels natural to me.
So now I've been in her wedding, and am still receiving (group, granted) emails to all her girlfriends about some of her current personal quite intimate problems and what am I going to do, not write back a supportive email? She's struggling in a way that really needs a support group right now and I would not feel right about turning my back on that.
And now she wants us all to meet up in the Big City and take her mind off her woes and spend tons of money on a weekend I don't want to go to. I want to see my neighbor friend, and she will be there. It's only for a night and it will be bearable. I have the money, and the Big City is more convenient for me than it is for everyone else, who are flying in for this weekend. But all I really want to do is flake at the last minute with an excuse about being sick. This will cost no one any money, there are no deposits or anything. But my gut tells me that is not the right thing to do when someone arranges a group trip because they need support and some girlfriend attention or whatever.
I don't think it matters why I think she's annoying so I am trying not to go into it here because I don't want to rant. If that's important, let me know and I will reply.
Anyway, I guess my questions boils down to things like: Can I get out of this trip? More importantly, can I get out of this friendship, with a woman who considers me one of her tight group of BFFs?
Why anonymous? I can only imagine how it would feel to discover this question and realize it's about you. Gina never reads this site as far as I know, and I'm trying to be as vague as possible, but I still don't think it's right to attach it to my profile. I hope that makes sense.