Please help me enjoy sex
November 15, 2011 6:26 PM Subscribe
I can't enjoy sex because of past experiences. How can I get over it?
Back when I was in college, I started going out with a woman. I was a virgin, and she wasn't. But, her past experiences were negative, so she asked us to wait a while.
I gave her time, but it turned into a couple of years of dating before we had penetrative sex. I was with that girlfriend for 12 years, and eventually our sex life got better. While I enjoyed our sex life, it seemed like too much work for not much reward.
I've now been broken up with that girl for 2 years. In that time, I've been intimate with one other woman. She had a voracious sexual appetite, but I couldn't match her sex drive. I've now begun seeing another woman who is similar. If it was up to her, we would have had sex last weekend.
For some reason, I'm very blase about sex. It just seems to be a lot of work for not all that much reward.
I want to try and get over this, so I can be in a normal sexual relationship.
Any ideas?
Back when I was in college, I started going out with a woman. I was a virgin, and she wasn't. But, her past experiences were negative, so she asked us to wait a while.
I gave her time, but it turned into a couple of years of dating before we had penetrative sex. I was with that girlfriend for 12 years, and eventually our sex life got better. While I enjoyed our sex life, it seemed like too much work for not much reward.
I've now been broken up with that girl for 2 years. In that time, I've been intimate with one other woman. She had a voracious sexual appetite, but I couldn't match her sex drive. I've now begun seeing another woman who is similar. If it was up to her, we would have had sex last weekend.
For some reason, I'm very blase about sex. It just seems to be a lot of work for not all that much reward.
I want to try and get over this, so I can be in a normal sexual relationship.
Any ideas?
This post was deleted for the following reason: Not entirely sure what is going on here, but can you repost when it's a lot more clear what's going on here and where this doesn't look like some AskMe/Reddit experiment? -- jessamyn
Have you looked into asexuality? Not saying that you are, but "It just seems to be a lot of work for not all that much reward" sounds very familiar, and it might give you another perspective.
posted by platypus of the universe at 6:39 PM on November 15, 2011
posted by platypus of the universe at 6:39 PM on November 15, 2011
Back when I was in college, I started going out with a woman. I was a virgin, and she wasn't. But, her past experiences were negative, so she asked us to wait a while.
I gave her time, but it turned into a couple of years of dating before we had penetrative sex. I was with that girlfriend for 12 years, and eventually our sex life got better. While I enjoyed our sex life, it seemed like too much work for not much reward.
I've now been broken up with that girl for 2 years.
But three and half years ago, you were a self-professed virgin?
Something seems off here, and it's not (necessarily) your libido.
posted by Ufez Jones at 6:42 PM on November 15, 2011 [9 favorites]
I gave her time, but it turned into a couple of years of dating before we had penetrative sex. I was with that girlfriend for 12 years, and eventually our sex life got better. While I enjoyed our sex life, it seemed like too much work for not much reward.
I've now been broken up with that girl for 2 years.
But three and half years ago, you were a self-professed virgin?
Something seems off here, and it's not (necessarily) your libido.
posted by Ufez Jones at 6:42 PM on November 15, 2011 [9 favorites]
People have different libidos, just because yours seems to be low doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It does mean that you may not be a good match for someone with a very high libido.
That said, if you're concerned about it, you may want to check with your doctor. Look for a referral to someone that specializes in sexual health and/or a therapist. It can't hurt to have things checked out, just so long as you keep in mind that it's ok if you're just not that into sex.
posted by kavasa at 6:42 PM on November 15, 2011
That said, if you're concerned about it, you may want to check with your doctor. Look for a referral to someone that specializes in sexual health and/or a therapist. It can't hurt to have things checked out, just so long as you keep in mind that it's ok if you're just not that into sex.
posted by kavasa at 6:42 PM on November 15, 2011
RustyBrooks has an interesting point that maybe there's some other kind of sex that you haven't tried yet. Or maybe you're asexual.
But if those aren't the answers, then I say: simply accept yourself the way you are. People have all different kinds of sex drives. There are many very good reasons not to have constant sex (pregnancy, health risks, etc.). If you happen to be someone who prefers not having sex very often, consider yourself lucky: you're free to act on this, and you'll have a low exposure to the risks of sex. Remember, there's no law that says you have to be like everyone else.
I know I haven't said anything about the idea that this is because of your "past experiences." Frankly, I'm not finding that too convincing. There's nothing in your description that suggests that your past is somehow staying with you and holding you back from liking sex more.
posted by John Cohen at 6:42 PM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
But if those aren't the answers, then I say: simply accept yourself the way you are. People have all different kinds of sex drives. There are many very good reasons not to have constant sex (pregnancy, health risks, etc.). If you happen to be someone who prefers not having sex very often, consider yourself lucky: you're free to act on this, and you'll have a low exposure to the risks of sex. Remember, there's no law that says you have to be like everyone else.
I know I haven't said anything about the idea that this is because of your "past experiences." Frankly, I'm not finding that too convincing. There's nothing in your description that suggests that your past is somehow staying with you and holding you back from liking sex more.
posted by John Cohen at 6:42 PM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
For some reason, I'm very blase about sex. It just seems to be a lot of work for not all that much reward.
I want to try and get over this, so I can be in a normal sexual relationship.
Don't know where you live OP, but in US pop culture the conventional wisdom is that all men find sex to be this spectacular and amazing thing that's better than everything else in life -- almost the reason to continue breathing -- that no men can get enough of it and they are always after it all the time. That's just not how it is for all guys. I think millions and millions are just as blase about it as you are, and that sounds perfectly normal to me. I think the thing for you is to just find a woman with a similar sex drive, of which there are plenty.
posted by cairdeas at 6:59 PM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
I want to try and get over this, so I can be in a normal sexual relationship.
Don't know where you live OP, but in US pop culture the conventional wisdom is that all men find sex to be this spectacular and amazing thing that's better than everything else in life -- almost the reason to continue breathing -- that no men can get enough of it and they are always after it all the time. That's just not how it is for all guys. I think millions and millions are just as blase about it as you are, and that sounds perfectly normal to me. I think the thing for you is to just find a woman with a similar sex drive, of which there are plenty.
posted by cairdeas at 6:59 PM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
I want to tender a hypothesis here. Your earlier question, masterfully recalled by Ufez Jones, had you lying about your sex life to your friends. That earlier post, as Ufez also observes, is itself inconsistent with what you are now reporting. And what you know describe as your experience issue does not seem like an experience issue.
My hypothesis, which you can easily rebut, is that you like to have attention brought to bear on sexual issues that may be kind of like what you're experiencing, but not necessarily, and that you're not overly concerned with accuracy.
Until I hear further, not too keen on helping. Others can form their own views.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 7:33 PM on November 15, 2011 [10 favorites]
My hypothesis, which you can easily rebut, is that you like to have attention brought to bear on sexual issues that may be kind of like what you're experiencing, but not necessarily, and that you're not overly concerned with accuracy.
Until I hear further, not too keen on helping. Others can form their own views.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 7:33 PM on November 15, 2011 [10 favorites]
Meh, even if the framing isn't totally accurate, whether the OP has had sex or not, I think this is the problem presented to be solved and inaccurate framing doesn't really change much about it:
For some reason, I'm very blase about sex. It just seems to be a lot of work for not all that much reward.
I want to try and get over this, so I can be in a normal sexual relationship.
posted by cairdeas at 7:47 PM on November 15, 2011
For some reason, I'm very blase about sex. It just seems to be a lot of work for not all that much reward.
I want to try and get over this, so I can be in a normal sexual relationship.
posted by cairdeas at 7:47 PM on November 15, 2011
In addition to what others have pointed out, this post, which says your 12-year-long relationship ended 2 years ago, is also inconsistent with this post and this one, which say that in February 2008 (well over 3 years ago) you had recently ended a 10-month-long relationship.
Also, if the 10-month relationship was after your 12-year relationship, were you really never "intimate" with her in almost a year together? After all, you clearly were intimate with your girlfriend from May of this year. (In this post you say you've only been intimate with one women since the 12-year relationship.)
posted by John Cohen at 7:50 PM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, if the 10-month relationship was after your 12-year relationship, were you really never "intimate" with her in almost a year together? After all, you clearly were intimate with your girlfriend from May of this year. (In this post you say you've only been intimate with one women since the 12-year relationship.)
posted by John Cohen at 7:50 PM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Meh, even if the framing isn't totally accurate, whether the OP has had sex or not, I think this is the problem presented to be solved and inaccurate framing doesn't really change much about it:
In the best of situations, AskMe can only be tangentially helpful in this sort of situation. If the OP can't be honest with himself, this is nothing more than a waste of everyone's time.
posted by Ufez Jones at 7:53 PM on November 15, 2011
In the best of situations, AskMe can only be tangentially helpful in this sort of situation. If the OP can't be honest with himself, this is nothing more than a waste of everyone's time.
posted by Ufez Jones at 7:53 PM on November 15, 2011
Meh, even if the framing isn't totally accurate, whether the OP has had sex or not, I think this is the problem presented to be solved and inaccurate framing doesn't really change much about it:
When you ask a question on AskMe, and present details that provide context for your question, you are asking us to spend time considering those details. When you lie about those details, you are abusing the good faith of the community and wasting everyone's time (i.e., people are taking time out of their day and writing stuff that is premised on your lie). In that situation, IMO, the question should be deleted, at the very least.
posted by jayder at 8:07 PM on November 15, 2011 [4 favorites]
When you ask a question on AskMe, and present details that provide context for your question, you are asking us to spend time considering those details. When you lie about those details, you are abusing the good faith of the community and wasting everyone's time (i.e., people are taking time out of their day and writing stuff that is premised on your lie). In that situation, IMO, the question should be deleted, at the very least.
posted by jayder at 8:07 PM on November 15, 2011 [4 favorites]
She had a voracious sexual appetite, but I couldn't match her sex drive. I've now begun seeing another woman who is similar. If it was up to her, we would have had sex last weekend.
Putting aside your compulsive lying about your sex lives to your friends and AskMe, help me understand the above sentence. Voracious sex life? If it was up to her we would have had sex last weekend? What does that even mean? And what bad experiences are you blaming for your current blase attitude? This question is odd; it makes no sense.
posted by jayder at 8:36 PM on November 15, 2011
Putting aside your compulsive lying about your sex lives to your friends and AskMe, help me understand the above sentence. Voracious sex life? If it was up to her we would have had sex last weekend? What does that even mean? And what bad experiences are you blaming for your current blase attitude? This question is odd; it makes no sense.
posted by jayder at 8:36 PM on November 15, 2011
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Is it possible that... you'd prefer a different kind of sex? What do you fantasize about (if you do fantasize)?
posted by RustyBrooks at 6:32 PM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]