How can I change my relationship narrative?

October 31, 2011 8:29 PM

I am a single female in my mid-20's. I have realized recently that the story I tell myself about my relationship history is really destructive and possibly preventing me from finding a new relationship. I'd like some advice for how to change it. [Narrative -- largely stream-of-consciousness -- inside]

So, basically, I entered my first real relationship about 4 years ago as a new college graduate. In college, I had various flirtations and hook-ups and spent my last semester semi-dating/hooking up with one guy. I would often lament over how I had never been in a relationship and considered myself some sort of freak as a result. I was also very insecure about my appearance (except of course when I was very pleased with my appearance...one of those weird paradoxes of the self-conscious mind) and often felt that I was perennially single because I was not attractive enough to find someone.

Then, my ex-boyfriend came around. We worked together and were part of the same group of friends. I wasn't totally sure about him but I liked him as a friend. He was confident and very smart and I knew that people considered him attractive. He asked me out on a real date before we ever hooked up (a rarity for many in college). After the date, he called me the next day. He was soon greeting me with a kiss. Much to my surprise, he seemed to really want to be my boyfriend. We dated for a year and I was pretty much infatuated. I was struggling at work and he was a star. I tied my self-esteem to him and his never faltered. He had been both Homecoming King and Valedictorian; his success and his confidence only grew from there. I started to think that maybe his self-esteem was high enough for both of us. And, then, after flying to my home state to meet my family and in the middle of planning a tropical vacation, he dumped me out of the blue. He had "lost faith in the relationship" and "didn't think we were compatible long-term." I was seriously devastated. I experienced this as a rejection the same way I had experienced many guys who came before (the ones who didn't ask for my number, or did but didn't ask for a second date, or did but didn't want to be in a relationship).

I realized recently that this might be an abnormal way of thinking about things. I've been listening to friends talk about their exes -- about how they still care about them because they were their best friends or about how they consider getting back together -- and it all sounds so foreign. We were very close and I guess he was my best friend at some point too, but now I just think of him as another guy who rejected me. I haven't been in another real relationship in 3 years (though I did date one guy for a couple of months before I moved across the country...it's been 2 years since even that). I'm sort of back to viewing my dating history the same way that I did when I was 22 -- a sad story of rejection with questionable potential for redemption.

I'm wondering if the way I view this particular relationship and/or my dating history in general is preventing me from being successful in the dating world.

For those who will ask, yes, I am online dating now (since that seems to be treated as some sort of panacea). I have been doing it for a few months without much luck. For what it's worth, I guess the 3 years sounds like longer than it seemed as I was moving between jobs, living abroad, and starting grad school during that time.

Now that I'm stable, though, the weight of the 3 years is really starting to hit me and the "always alone" narrative is back to rear its ugly head. So what can I do about it? If pushed, I can admit that it's not quite true. That, compared to most of the world, I am catch. That it's more about circumstances than anything else. But then I see so many others (including that ex-boyfriend, who I am no longer in touch with but do hear about from time to time) moving from relationship to relationship. And there I am still alone. Is it fair for me to think of things this way? Is there a better way? How can I knock some sense into my head?

Thank you so much for putting up with this long-winded question and providing any advice you may have.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total)

I don't know you and I'm only 22, but I have had similar situations where I have been involved with (what I thought to be) awesome guys- attractive, intelligent, etc- when it didn't work out and I beat myself up about it and it dropped my self-esteem. What I did was just kind of convince myself that they were douchebags and concentrate on all the douchey things they've ever said/done to me or other people but that might not be applicable to you if you're over your ex already (you didn't say if you were or not). I mean, we're freaking babies in our 20's. If you're 25 that's only like 7 years of potential adult-relationship time and that's if you're starting at 18. That's nothing.

Plus, you've lived abroad and you're going to grad school? Sounds like you're a catch already. And if you're a mid-20s female it's most likely many, many, many guys think you're attractive. Just assume it and act accordingly (not pretentious, but don't worry about it so much and smile a lot) and people will buy it.

Anyway, I have a friend who is gorgeous, intelligent, etc but has never been in a relationship because she has such seriously low confidence she sabotages any kind of potential relationship wayyy before even getting a first date. I hope that's not you. If it is, it's an easy fix. All she'd need to do is stop being so awkwardly, excessively deprecating and she'd have guys falling all over themselves.
posted by ad4pt at 8:53 PM on October 31, 2011

Instead of trying to play head games with yourself and "change the narrative", why don't you just keep going on dates until you find the right guy?
posted by blargerz at 8:55 PM on October 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

I've been listening to friends talk about their exes -- about how they still care about them because they were their best friends or about how they consider getting back together -- and it all sounds so foreign. We were very close and I guess he was my best friend at some point too, but now I just think of him as another guy who rejected me. "

Just on this point: I don't think this is abnormal. I'm on good terms with virtually all the guys I ever dated (oh, facebook, nobody ever goes away, do they?), but after breaking up I never really considered getting back together with any of them, and I never considered any of them my best friend when I was dating them. And the way this guy broke up with you kind-of sucks, and I'd be mad too. I might have eventually gotten over it and made nice (I'm not good at holding grudges), but it's pretty sucky. And I'm really not sure going for a re-return on a past relationship is all that healthy except in extraordinary circumstances. Usually it's just going back for more of the same FAIL. Apparently you've learned something while your re-returning friends have not.

the weight of the 3 years is really starting to hit me and the "always alone" narrative is back to rear its ugly head. ... But then I see so many others (including that ex-boyfriend, who I am no longer in touch with but do hear about from time to time) moving from relationship to relationship.

Obviously you're not always alone -- you've had hookups, the semi-boyfriend, the ex-boyfriend, etc. Don't even listen to that voice. Clearly it is dumb. And frankly relationship-hopping is not necessarily healthy either. People "do" relationships in different ways, but personally, I dated casually until I met my husband, and then that was that, and it was fine. Some people are serially monogamous in a healthy way, but some people are serially monogamous because they're afraid of being alone and jump from bad relationship to bad relationship. You, clearly, are not afraid of being alone (even if you're not necessarily thrilled with it) and you're choosy -- in a good way -- about who you date.

Also, this is an odd thing to say, but I'm not sure your self-esteem is as low as you think it is -- you want to date but don't fall into bad relationship after bad relationship, you finished college, you're going to grad school, you lived abroad. Obviously you have SOME faith in yourself and SOME idea of your worth. Keep doing that.

Finally, mid-20s is just not that old for a college-educated woman today. Especially not for a woman in grad school. Women are getting married (or permanently or semi-permanently partnered) later and later, and for high-achieving women the effect is more pronounced. I realize it kinda sucks to go through it (and I realize I am kinda talking out of my ass as I married fairly young myself), but so so many of my friends didn't start really getting serious about dating or start finding the right sorts of guys until their late 20s or 30s. A lot of my friends insist only crazy people get married before 30 because otherwise you're "too young" and that it's an active shame if you meet the right guy before 30 because you're just too immature to sustain a relationship before 30. Obviously that's not true of everyone, but mid-20s is so young these days!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:02 PM on October 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

Most relationships don't work out and it's no ones "fault". I'm saying this because I don't want you to take this the wrong way- it kinds of sounds like you think/ thought of him as an accessory. "other people thought he was attractive"- did you think he was attractive? Did you really, really like him as a person or just think he was a suitable boyfriend? I'm only asking because this is THE mistake almost everyone makes in their first relationship. Or maybe first few relationships. I dated a guy once who referred to me as "my girlfriend" in conversation the entire time we were together. He spent the entire time trying to impress me and being ridiculously hurt if I didn't spend all my time being impressed by him. Immediately after that I met a man who always referred to me by name and basically just treated me like another person, albeit one he loved, no putting anyone on a pedestal. Guess which one I only dated for 3 months and which one I spent years with and am still good friends with?
posted by fshgrl at 9:09 PM on October 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Some people get along with their exes and stay in touch with them. Some people, not all people. You either stay friends with your ex, or you don't. There is no norm here. If you're having trouble believing it, though, start asking more people whether or not they still talk with their exes, and you will definitely hear people say no.

Yes, 3 years without a relationship feels like a lot! (It's not, I have seen many men and women go through way more than 3 years straight without a serious relationship.) And it's frustrating to see others go in and out of relationships in the meantime. Some things I've noticed recently about my friends who are always in relationships is that they are very flirtatious, and put themselves out there constantly. So that is a start. But some other things I've realized about these friends is that in many cases, they don't treat those guys that well. They cheat on guys. They spend a lot of time leading on guys who crush hard for them. They don't treat their girlfriends well meanwhile, because the guys come first. This does NOT mean that all women who are in relationships all the time are like this - not at all! Just, it might be worth it to inspect what it is about the people around you who are in relationships that make them different from you...what traits might be worthy of emulating (i.e. putting yourself out there more), and which ones are not (i.e. dropping everyone else because you're with a new guy)?

More sense-knocking: You are great. You have had lots of experiences with guys, including a serious relationship. You are not Always Alone. But because you are single, you see all your relationships as failed. This is the definition of being single - your relationships haven't worked out. And just because they didn't work out, doesn't mean you didn't learn something from each one, or have a great time with some fun people along the way, or that you aren't days away from your next meaningful relationship.
posted by violetish at 9:49 PM on October 31, 2011

It always sounds a bit morbid, but I think it's important to realize that every single relationship-- up until the last one before you die, really-- fails (regardless of how well you got along or how much you respect/like each other). People seem to really lament failed relationships that didn't exactly go sour, but just didn't work out. I don't think there's anything wrong with this, but you should realize that that disappointment doesn't necessarily mean that you're scarred or have some sort of baggage. All it means is that you hoped it would work out better than it did-- that you really valued the good times and were sad to see them go.

I'm sure that 3 years feels like a really long time. But it seems that almost everyone has a friend who, despite the fact that he/she is a total catch, just has yet to cross paths with someone who really complements and appreciates him/her. And when you think about it in the context of a friend being in the same situation, it's so easy to think "This person is great in so many ways. It's kind of unfortunate that he/she has yet to find the person who will really understand that, but I have no doubt that it will happen." It's harder to see because you see yourself in a different light than your friends do, but you are that person.

I tend to think that relationships just fall into your lap, whether you want them or not. Meeting someone who is that special combination of friend/romantic interest/physical partner/companion is serendipitous. If you've yet to meet someone like that, it has little to do with your behavior or past experiences. I think it's really just a lucky chain of events that could make you really happy. And there's absolutely no controlling that.

You're not holding onto your old boyfriends because part of you knows that they're not the end of your path. You don't sound like you have a bad attitude or have given up hope on finding someone great for you, it just seems like it's difficult to deal with not having particularly good luck in this area of your life. The fact that you know that you're a catch is key. I think you just need to remind yourself that meeting someone good for you is unpredictable and often the result of fortunate coincidences. Since you're a catch, you'll likely find someone great at some point, but there's a reason people think "Where have you been all my life?" after what feels like a long time of missing something.
posted by desertface at 12:51 AM on November 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Everyone goes through relationship difficulties until they don't. But something we all have to get over, especially those of us who are unfortunately shy, insecure, or willing to heap blame or scorn upon ourselves, is that happiness comes to those who internalize validation and externalize failure.

If you view a partner as doing you a favour by being with you, and rely on their self-esteem to carry you, then you are externalizing your own worth as a person and hanging it on your partner. This will doom you and your relationships, because it's emotionally fatiguing to continually validate someone, and leads to a codependent dynamic. It also makes you vulnerable to controlling, abusing personalities.

Your narrative of rejection and redemption implies that your worth as a person hinges on finding someone who loves you, rather than on achieving internal happiness and balance. But you can achieve redemption without a partner by takings steps to discover and follow your own desires and learning to accept yourself. And you can try and fail at a relationship without thinking of it as a rejection. Imagine yourself as an equal, where your participation in the relationship is as valuable as your partner's, and then you can see that a failure simply means you tried but weren't a match. Not your fault, not his, just what happens. Even those hookups that don't call you back or don't want a relationship -- it doesn't have to be a rejection. The narrative is simply "we were looking for different things at that particular time". You can see it's the truth, too -- more true than the poisonous thoughts you have.
posted by PercussivePaul at 3:30 AM on November 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

I've been listening to friends talk about their exes -- about how they still care about them because they were their best friends or about how they consider getting back together

This doesn't sound particularly healthy, either. I know it's hard, but the key isn't "changing the narrative", it's not still being hung up on a long-dead relationship. What's going on in your life now? If it's not to your liking, then figure out what you want and go do that. You can't fix the past.
posted by spaltavian at 4:48 AM on November 1, 2011