I'm in a funk: how do I stop feeling anxious and depressed and build more of a social life?
October 15, 2011 8:37 AM
I'm in a funk: how do I stop feeling anxious and depressed and build more of a social life?
So sorry if this is a long rambling post. I have been feeling a lot of pressure lately (though I'm not sure if there's a good reason for it) but I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it. The thing is, I'm not sure what "it" is. I think it could be anxiety and depression though some things have been going pretty well for me lately. So here's what's bothering me:
1) Lately I just feel like I have no social life. Not that I have ever had a really stellar social life being a fairly awkward introvert, but still. I have been living in the same city for about a year (though I had previously lived here) and I wish I had a solid group of people that I was friends with. I do have a random assortment of friends and acquaintances from various periods of my life who happen to live in the city, and I have been making an effort to reach out to them, but lately it just feels like half the time when I ask someone to do something with me they are enthusiastic at first but then lose interest in the idea of hanging out or they just are unresponsive to emails or calls, etc. in the first place. I feel like I have an immense and constant anxiety surrounding this issue. I am constantly feeling put down by people when they are unresponsive or angry or worried that they don't like me.
2) I also have one friend who I met over the course of the last year that I have been better friends with. However, she moved into my group house a few months ago and oddly enough I feel like we've grown apart since then. She's found her own circle of friends in the past few months, which could be part of it. Since she found these new friends, I feel like she is less interested in hanging out with me. She almost never invites me to hang out with her new group of friends, even when I've indicated interest in a party or an event that she has mentioned (is that clingy to say you'd like to go to a (large frat house type) party with someone when you've been hanging out with them regularly for months, live together and are close-ish friends?). In addition to all of this, I feel like when we hang out lately we don't really have much fun together. We don't seem interested in talking about the same things and she has an annoying habit of always correcting me and acting like things I've said are kind of stupid. Of course this is all complicated by the fact that we are living together now.
3) I generally feel like I am in a fairly constant state of anxiety or depression lately. I get stressed out over everything (work, social life (obviously)) and I've been having insomnia on and off for the past six months or so, which really messes with my brain even more. On days after a night of very little sleep (and sometimes on days when I get sleep) I find myself to be weepy and extra bothered by everything. Unfortunately this has been at least once or twice a week lately.
4) I may have been trying to push myself too hard with a few undertakings recently. I am applying to grad school and am very stressed out about getting all of the application materials together (especially the statement of purpose). I have also been losing weight recently, intentionally and rather successfully for the first time in a while. I've been overweight basically as long as I can remember and decided a few months ago to give losing the weight another go. I've lost about 20lbs through getting lots of exercise and keeping a reign on what I eat. I'd like to lose at least another 25 lbs or so. Both the grad school application and the weight loss are things that I feel good about, but they've also been taking up a fair amount of my energy and time and adding extra stress.
So there is everything that has been bothering me. Do I sound like a basket case? How do I get back on track to feeling happier and less anxious all the time? Any advice for getting out of what feels like a cycle of stress, anxiety, depression and loneliness?
So sorry if this is a long rambling post. I have been feeling a lot of pressure lately (though I'm not sure if there's a good reason for it) but I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it. The thing is, I'm not sure what "it" is. I think it could be anxiety and depression though some things have been going pretty well for me lately. So here's what's bothering me:
1) Lately I just feel like I have no social life. Not that I have ever had a really stellar social life being a fairly awkward introvert, but still. I have been living in the same city for about a year (though I had previously lived here) and I wish I had a solid group of people that I was friends with. I do have a random assortment of friends and acquaintances from various periods of my life who happen to live in the city, and I have been making an effort to reach out to them, but lately it just feels like half the time when I ask someone to do something with me they are enthusiastic at first but then lose interest in the idea of hanging out or they just are unresponsive to emails or calls, etc. in the first place. I feel like I have an immense and constant anxiety surrounding this issue. I am constantly feeling put down by people when they are unresponsive or angry or worried that they don't like me.
2) I also have one friend who I met over the course of the last year that I have been better friends with. However, she moved into my group house a few months ago and oddly enough I feel like we've grown apart since then. She's found her own circle of friends in the past few months, which could be part of it. Since she found these new friends, I feel like she is less interested in hanging out with me. She almost never invites me to hang out with her new group of friends, even when I've indicated interest in a party or an event that she has mentioned (is that clingy to say you'd like to go to a (large frat house type) party with someone when you've been hanging out with them regularly for months, live together and are close-ish friends?). In addition to all of this, I feel like when we hang out lately we don't really have much fun together. We don't seem interested in talking about the same things and she has an annoying habit of always correcting me and acting like things I've said are kind of stupid. Of course this is all complicated by the fact that we are living together now.
3) I generally feel like I am in a fairly constant state of anxiety or depression lately. I get stressed out over everything (work, social life (obviously)) and I've been having insomnia on and off for the past six months or so, which really messes with my brain even more. On days after a night of very little sleep (and sometimes on days when I get sleep) I find myself to be weepy and extra bothered by everything. Unfortunately this has been at least once or twice a week lately.
4) I may have been trying to push myself too hard with a few undertakings recently. I am applying to grad school and am very stressed out about getting all of the application materials together (especially the statement of purpose). I have also been losing weight recently, intentionally and rather successfully for the first time in a while. I've been overweight basically as long as I can remember and decided a few months ago to give losing the weight another go. I've lost about 20lbs through getting lots of exercise and keeping a reign on what I eat. I'd like to lose at least another 25 lbs or so. Both the grad school application and the weight loss are things that I feel good about, but they've also been taking up a fair amount of my energy and time and adding extra stress.
So there is everything that has been bothering me. Do I sound like a basket case? How do I get back on track to feeling happier and less anxious all the time? Any advice for getting out of what feels like a cycle of stress, anxiety, depression and loneliness?
No, what you are going through sounds like normal twenty something/thirty something angst. As for making friends, I think the best thing to do is to join clubs for things that you are interested in. It helps if you find a group that meets regularly (with more or less the same people)and you take a leadership role. Two examples from my own life. My Dad likes to write poetry so he became president of the poets league in his city in his early thirties. He made very good friends that he still has now in his mid-sixties. It worked because they all had something they are passionate about in common. These, by the way, are not fly by night friends. These are take care of you on your sick bed friends. I am on the management team of a local volunteer organization. I'm not sure if I would have made friends if I'd stuck to being a regular volunteer but being on the management team I've had much more commitment and involvement and I've become good friends with the other managers. It takes time. You may not find the right group right away, but keep at it.
posted by bananafish at 9:08 AM on October 15, 2011
posted by bananafish at 9:08 AM on October 15, 2011
Arg, the trying-to-get-something-together-for-apathetic-people thing is something that really bugged me about some of my friends too.
This may be tricky for you as you're newer in town, but what really helped me was taking a couple of the really close, good friends aside and calling them on it. Not an argument -- I was calm and all, but I did say that this had been kind of bothering me. I didn't need them to always do stuff with me, I said, but I did need more communication -- "if I'm trying to get something together and trying to pick a date we all can come, say, it helps for y'all to TELL me what the best date for you is, or tell me if you can't make it at all or at least tell me if you're even interested."
One friend was genuinely surprised that his non-responses were bothering me -- "I just assumed that my not answering meant that you knew I couldn't make it." A couple of other friends confessed to letting laziness and flakiness take over. Another one explained more about how complicated his own schedule was; he genuinely had a much more complicated schedule than I thought.
But they've ALL gotten better about at least responding when I send out invitations, and also gotten better about doing stuff. And I also have been a lot less bothered when someone does once in a blue moon forget to answer, because I also understand where THEY'RE coming from better.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:17 AM on October 15, 2011
This may be tricky for you as you're newer in town, but what really helped me was taking a couple of the really close, good friends aside and calling them on it. Not an argument -- I was calm and all, but I did say that this had been kind of bothering me. I didn't need them to always do stuff with me, I said, but I did need more communication -- "if I'm trying to get something together and trying to pick a date we all can come, say, it helps for y'all to TELL me what the best date for you is, or tell me if you can't make it at all or at least tell me if you're even interested."
One friend was genuinely surprised that his non-responses were bothering me -- "I just assumed that my not answering meant that you knew I couldn't make it." A couple of other friends confessed to letting laziness and flakiness take over. Another one explained more about how complicated his own schedule was; he genuinely had a much more complicated schedule than I thought.
But they've ALL gotten better about at least responding when I send out invitations, and also gotten better about doing stuff. And I also have been a lot less bothered when someone does once in a blue moon forget to answer, because I also understand where THEY'RE coming from better.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:17 AM on October 15, 2011
No need to merely suspect anxiety and depression--you sound a dead ringer for having them. Social anxiety (anxiety about others' opinions and evaluations of you) bleeding into depression.
Get yourself a copy of this book. If you truly do suffer from some anxiety, you will find lots and lots of descriptions of behaviors and feelings that hit home in there. And if you like that, the whole second half of the book is an introduction to methods of cognitive therapy for said ailments, which you can try out yourself for free if you like.
I am in a similar position. I, too, am finally exercising regularly but nothing much else seems to be going right. Do not stop exercising---and I don't give a damn if you lose weight or not. Your body responds to exercise by being a little happier than it would otherwise. Don't leave it hanging. If you lose weight, great, but for you it's a psychiatric med.
You must keep close to your heart the absolute truth, which is that anxiety and depression are not flaws in your personality. Anxiety and depression are diseases that keep you from being your true self, diseases with concrete physical consequences for your body, not just diseases of your thoughts.
I feel like a broken record on the anxiety/depression threads, but the things I am telling you are things that I didn't learn until very recently, and that I now wish desperately that I had known. So I'll continue until someone tells me to shut up.
Show yourself the concern you would show for yourself if you had a 'conventional' disease that was serious enough that it was affecting the quality of your life.
You do not have to feel this way. Best of luck--I'm good at memailing too if you want more stunning wisdoms.
posted by TheRedArmy at 9:18 AM on October 15, 2011
Get yourself a copy of this book. If you truly do suffer from some anxiety, you will find lots and lots of descriptions of behaviors and feelings that hit home in there. And if you like that, the whole second half of the book is an introduction to methods of cognitive therapy for said ailments, which you can try out yourself for free if you like.
I am in a similar position. I, too, am finally exercising regularly but nothing much else seems to be going right. Do not stop exercising---and I don't give a damn if you lose weight or not. Your body responds to exercise by being a little happier than it would otherwise. Don't leave it hanging. If you lose weight, great, but for you it's a psychiatric med.
You must keep close to your heart the absolute truth, which is that anxiety and depression are not flaws in your personality. Anxiety and depression are diseases that keep you from being your true self, diseases with concrete physical consequences for your body, not just diseases of your thoughts.
I feel like a broken record on the anxiety/depression threads, but the things I am telling you are things that I didn't learn until very recently, and that I now wish desperately that I had known. So I'll continue until someone tells me to shut up.
Show yourself the concern you would show for yourself if you had a 'conventional' disease that was serious enough that it was affecting the quality of your life.
You do not have to feel this way. Best of luck--I'm good at memailing too if you want more stunning wisdoms.
posted by TheRedArmy at 9:18 AM on October 15, 2011
1) Keep on making an effort to meet people by signing yourself up for activities you are interested in trying or you'd find entertaining. Volunteering for stuff like local festivals is something I like to do because it brings a lot of different types of people together. And I've enjoyed my beginner tango classes so far - a regularly scheduled commitment with social interaction. The short time-frame and planning should make that easier to accommodate for your introverted side. It takes time to build close friendships, but casual ones can be people you just see once in a blue moon. Make many of those, and the good friends will be the ones who stick around and reciprocate. Be social and go out to try new things, and people will discover you're a fun, interesting person to be around.
2) Be friendly, but forget pushing the friendship side with her - people who make you anxious aren't people you need to spend effort on.
3) Go to a doctor, you might want to investigate hormonal imbalance, dietary deficiencies, or whether you should see someone about some mood stabilizers - if you're getting exercise and eating right, that might not be enough. No shame in perhaps needing a prescription to manage an imbalance that can't be addressed any other way.
4) Grad studies might not be for you if you already have a problem with anxiety and stress and depression. A lot of students have a rough time with grad studies - being poor, 2-5 years on a single narrow project, bouts of feeling like a complete failure, and writing for months... I'd say you're very likely to have a much rougher time during grad studies than you already are now.
posted by lizbunny at 9:20 AM on October 15, 2011
2) Be friendly, but forget pushing the friendship side with her - people who make you anxious aren't people you need to spend effort on.
3) Go to a doctor, you might want to investigate hormonal imbalance, dietary deficiencies, or whether you should see someone about some mood stabilizers - if you're getting exercise and eating right, that might not be enough. No shame in perhaps needing a prescription to manage an imbalance that can't be addressed any other way.
4) Grad studies might not be for you if you already have a problem with anxiety and stress and depression. A lot of students have a rough time with grad studies - being poor, 2-5 years on a single narrow project, bouts of feeling like a complete failure, and writing for months... I'd say you're very likely to have a much rougher time during grad studies than you already are now.
posted by lizbunny at 9:20 AM on October 15, 2011
FWIW, losing weight always turns me into a freaky freak from freaktown, anxiety-wise. Besides the ketosis-flu thing, my theory is that there is all sorts of unprocessable crud (think: transfat molecules!) safely suspended in my cuddly blanket of fat; when that fat starts breaking down the crud gets freed, wreaking havoc!!! Wanted to mention this, in case thinking about anxiety as a temporary symptom of physical changes (rather than something you're doomed to by congenital personality flaws or whatever) helps you to relax.
What are you thinking about as you go to sleep? Are you mulling over these frustrating people situations, fretting over looming deadlines, trying to calculate your odds of success or failure? Dr. Wayne Dyer* makes an interesting point: the sleeping unconscious is a fertile ground for intentionality in the waking world, and those moments before dozing are when you plant the seeds for what you want to grow. So if you find your mind racing in these moments, try instead to focus on the awesomeness you want your life to be ... immersed in fascinating studies, stable at a healthy weight, skipping through a sunny park with a latte and an ipod ... or even go abstract: focus on feeling how comfortable your body is lying down, listen to drony music or watch a kaleidoscopic dvd, look at the present moment. Better not to obsess over matters when you are least equipped (undressed, supine) to address them.
* link to the lecture where it appears, but can't tell you the time mark for when he says it, slow connection. really not trying to stuff you full of 'woo!' if you're not craving it!!!
++ keep exercising advice, & Empress' great advice about finding ways to get on the same page with the people you care for.
Superfrankenstien shared his amazing realization in a thread about stage-fright, and what is anxiety but stage-fright-like-fright-of-life?
"The last time I was waiting to speak to a room full of people, a thought popped into my head from who-knows-where: 'The butterflies in my stomach aren't fear. They're here to help.' And weirdly, they did."
All the best OP.
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 11:07 AM on October 15, 2011
What are you thinking about as you go to sleep? Are you mulling over these frustrating people situations, fretting over looming deadlines, trying to calculate your odds of success or failure? Dr. Wayne Dyer* makes an interesting point: the sleeping unconscious is a fertile ground for intentionality in the waking world, and those moments before dozing are when you plant the seeds for what you want to grow. So if you find your mind racing in these moments, try instead to focus on the awesomeness you want your life to be ... immersed in fascinating studies, stable at a healthy weight, skipping through a sunny park with a latte and an ipod ... or even go abstract: focus on feeling how comfortable your body is lying down, listen to drony music or watch a kaleidoscopic dvd, look at the present moment. Better not to obsess over matters when you are least equipped (undressed, supine) to address them.
* link to the lecture where it appears, but can't tell you the time mark for when he says it, slow connection. really not trying to stuff you full of 'woo!' if you're not craving it!!!
++ keep exercising advice, & Empress' great advice about finding ways to get on the same page with the people you care for.
Superfrankenstien shared his amazing realization in a thread about stage-fright, and what is anxiety but stage-fright-like-fright-of-life?
"The last time I was waiting to speak to a room full of people, a thought popped into my head from who-knows-where: 'The butterflies in my stomach aren't fear. They're here to help.' And weirdly, they did."
All the best OP.
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 11:07 AM on October 15, 2011
Just wanted to let you know that I definitely understand what you're going through and you're not alone. One thought I had is that you could try to combine exercise and being social - maybe see if you could work out with a friend or join a group of people who work out together on a regular basis. But generally, you sound like someone who has a good head on their shoulders and is going through a stressful time. This will pass and you'll come out on the end stronger for it. Just take things one day and one step at a time and take care of yourself.
posted by kat518 at 11:13 AM on October 15, 2011
posted by kat518 at 11:13 AM on October 15, 2011
Some contrarian advice: the way out is the way in. Maybe there is a good reason you're isolating, that you should pay attention to and nourish? Having been both extremely intro and extro at different times during my life, I now see the two phases as the inhale and exhale of social interaction. Maybe best not to fight it and especially try not to judge yourself in light of what you believe you "should" be doing at this point. Relieve the anxiety about it at least, as a first step.
posted by telstar at 12:41 PM on October 15, 2011
posted by telstar at 12:41 PM on October 15, 2011
Two random suggestions that worked for me:
1) I know you probably don't have time, but learning a new language is a great way to make friends. Everyone is in the same I-feel-awkward-trying-to-say-this situation, so shyness wears off faster than in normal situations. Also, knowing that language is a great excuse to have get-togethers to practice speaking/ cook a meal from that country together, etc.
2) Rock climbing at an indoor gym- the people are really friendly, you can start at any level, the adrenaline rush makes you completely forget anything you are worrying about, and you will be so tired afterwards that the minute you lie down you will fall asleep.
posted by costanza at 9:01 PM on October 15, 2011
1) I know you probably don't have time, but learning a new language is a great way to make friends. Everyone is in the same I-feel-awkward-trying-to-say-this situation, so shyness wears off faster than in normal situations. Also, knowing that language is a great excuse to have get-togethers to practice speaking/ cook a meal from that country together, etc.
2) Rock climbing at an indoor gym- the people are really friendly, you can start at any level, the adrenaline rush makes you completely forget anything you are worrying about, and you will be so tired afterwards that the minute you lie down you will fall asleep.
posted by costanza at 9:01 PM on October 15, 2011
I've had depression for years, and my low periods sound a lot like what you're describing. I do both medication and therapy, but medication has worked out the best for me. Everyone has a different experience, but when I started taking antidepressants (Prozac) I felt like this veil had been lifted from my world, and suddenly I was able to start functioning again. It hasn't been perfect, but it's been steadily getting better and better. Either way, it's worth a shot.
posted by thermopoetics at 8:36 AM on October 16, 2011
posted by thermopoetics at 8:36 AM on October 16, 2011
Also: I'm applying to grad school right now, too, so if you'd like to swap statement of purposes maybe we can help each other out!
posted by thermopoetics at 8:37 AM on October 16, 2011
posted by thermopoetics at 8:37 AM on October 16, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by bquarters at 8:51 AM on October 15, 2011