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I'm looking for an anti-customer service job.
September 28, 2011 2:10 PM   Subscribe

I'm looking for an anti-customer service job.

I've been working in jobs that require good customer service (e.g. retail and then attorney).

Doing this has made me actively despise humanity. I figure that rather than trying to turn away from my natural instincts, I should embrace this part of myself and try to find a niche doing work that others may find unsavory.

So, are there jobs you know where the person has to reject applications, tell people no, or do other things that may make the client or customer mad on a regular basis?
posted by stedman15 to Work & Money (60 answers total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
 
Teaching?
posted by Melismata at 2:11 PM on September 28, 2011 [5 favorites]


You might find collections work more to your liking. What about being a repo person?
posted by S'Tella Fabula at 2:11 PM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]


Collections.
posted by Zophi at 2:11 PM on September 28, 2011 [1 favorite]


Collections. Guaranteed to make you no friends whatsoever.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 2:12 PM on September 28, 2011


You sound like a perfect candidate for debt collector
posted by buggzzee23 at 2:12 PM on September 28, 2011


Prison guard?
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 2:12 PM on September 28, 2011


Work in Quality Control or Quality Assurance.
posted by Caravantea at 2:13 PM on September 28, 2011 [4 favorites]


Insurance Claims Adjuster
posted by Rock Steady at 2:16 PM on September 28, 2011 [1 favorite]


DMV? Post office? Parking meter enforcement?
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 2:17 PM on September 28, 2011 [1 favorite]


Human resources is the natural home for anyone who actively despises humanity.
posted by A Thousand Baited Hooks at 2:17 PM on September 28, 2011 [32 favorites]


Investment banking
posted by prunes at 2:17 PM on September 28, 2011 [1 favorite]


doing work that others may find unsavory.

Just keep in mind that this doesn't mean you don't have clients. If you're a repo man, you have to keep whoever you're repo'ing for happy. That's your client. Just because you get to be nasty to people (and, really, is that what you want in a job?) doesn't mean you don't have to make someone happy.

Having said all that, I'd look at being a cop. Your legal skills might be put to use, and while you have to make your superiors happy, you can be as nasty as you want to most people you deal with and you'll have a whole brotherhood of armed men covering your ass for you.
posted by Dasein at 2:19 PM on September 28, 2011 [5 favorites]


For what it's worth, I think you should try to turn away from your natural instincts.

Embracing the part of you that despises humanity doesn't seem like a good long-term plan.
posted by box at 2:19 PM on September 28, 2011 [16 favorites]


Since you're an attorney, you might want to consider insurance defense; it does require you to play nice with the claims adjusters and people from the insurance company, but a lot of them hate humanity, too, so it shouldn't be as hard.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 2:24 PM on September 28, 2011


The Foreign Service Officer positions with the State Department have jobs where you deny visa applications all day.
posted by colin_l at 2:28 PM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]


Definitely law enforcement. You're literally trained to view your fellow man as a potential perpetrator.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:28 PM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]


Work at the plan check desk at the county building department. Those people take great joy in crushing people's spirits. You would thrive there.
posted by chevyvan at 2:29 PM on September 28, 2011 [4 favorites]


While I favorited the comment about embracing despising not being a good long-term plan, I agree with the idea of quality assurance or some kind of regulatory review as satisfying.

I get to review environmental reports to see if folks really have cleaned up their hazardous waste sites like they were supposed to. Needless to say, I catch a lot of folks cutting corners and document that. While I generally have to be polite to them, even when I'm disagreeing with their "science", I can sometimes work in a little judicial snark.
posted by ldthomps at 2:29 PM on September 28, 2011 [1 favorite]


I say "no" to people all the time, and I totally love my job. I'm a person who is a "gatekeeper" over user access to electronic medical records (and a whole bunch of other stuff). Basically, a job like mine wouldn't exist if it weren't for HIPAA. While I don't despise humanity, I imagine there are a number of people whose access I shut off (because I had to) that are certain I am bent on destroying the human race.

I'd recommend looking for a job that you can love. That doesn't necessarily mean "whilst accentuating your talents at, um, despising humanity, and strengthening your existing skills in ruining someone's day.

If you got into human trafficking, you'd be maximizing your potential as a destroyer of lives. You would also be the bane of the multitudes. I wouldn't recommend it.

Wouldn't you rather have a career that didn't make you hate people?
posted by erasorhed at 2:29 PM on September 28, 2011 [1 favorite]


You should be an accountant for a grant-based or state-funded organization - our accountants tell people no all the time! No, seriously. It's the best of both worlds - you have to say no to administrators and regular folks and so on, but you don't have the "everyone hates you" thing. Some of our accountants are quite popular and beloved.
posted by Frowner at 2:31 PM on September 28, 2011 [1 favorite]


Work for the IRS.
posted by Wordwoman at 2:35 PM on September 28, 2011 [1 favorite]


You saw the movie Up in the Air perhaps? Be that guy who flies around telling people "You're fired" on behalf of cowardly bosses. Or on the flying tip, become a TSA officer.
posted by adamrice at 2:35 PM on September 28, 2011


You could get a weekend job as a bouncer or dooman at a bar. I worked at a bar with a guy whose day job at a bank required him to be nice and he loved that he could say no to the kids with fake IDs.
posted by Hermes32 at 2:40 PM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]


a process server.
posted by changeling at 2:43 PM on September 28, 2011


Work for television and radio.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 2:44 PM on September 28, 2011


adamrice: I was going to suggest outplacement too, it's a real job.
posted by Joe Chip at 2:45 PM on September 28, 2011


If you are already a lawyer, why not try to become a judge? As far as I can tell from the news, judges the honeybadgers of the legal world.
posted by jeb at 2:48 PM on September 28, 2011 [8 favorites]


OK, maybe this question wasn't meant to be funny, but it cracked me up, along with some of the responses. I used to work in customer service also, so I know very well how that line of work can sour your outlook on humanity in general. However, if you don't mind my saying so, I don't know if getting a job involving saying 'no' to people all the time is going to be the right approach for you. Some people out there do and say some really stupid, vulgar, offensive things when they are told 'no'. I think this might lead to your hatred of people intensifying until you are consumed with rage (that's the effect it would have on me, I think). I think the best thing for you would be jobs that simply minimize contact of any kind with people (like, I don't know, accounting or research-type positions maybe?)
posted by mhm407 at 2:49 PM on September 28, 2011 [4 favorites]


I like the various options where you wouldn't be encouraged to be MEAN to people, but you just wouldn't have to be nice in the same degree. So something in a back room - reviewing documents for loopholes, checking for regulatory compliance - or something where the people you're interacting with aren't the 'customer' (bouncing, IRS, law enforcement) might be a good idea. This is assuming your newfound hatred for your fellow man isn't so strong that you'd drive away good customers if you were a bouncer or book people unfairly / frame people / shoot people for mouthing off if you were a cop.
posted by Lady Li at 2:50 PM on September 28, 2011 [1 favorite]


You should give in-house lawyering a try. All in-house lawyers I ever met say "no" hundreds of times a day. Your clients have a great new business idea? "No, sorry, it's not legal." Or, alternatively, "We could try it, but the compliance costs will be astronomical. So probably no." I foresee a bright future for you in this field.
posted by Atrahasis at 2:54 PM on September 28, 2011 [1 favorite]


Netflix?
posted by Naberius at 2:55 PM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]


You're a lawyer? Maybe become a prosecutor. Your "client" would exist only in the abstract -- so, so much for obsequious client meetings -- and you would interact instead with people whom it would literally be your job to punish.
posted by foursentences at 2:57 PM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]


Work in publishing as the reader who gets the slush pile. Rejection a-plenty to be had there. You won't make any money, though.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 2:58 PM on September 28, 2011


I once had a job where I had to review people's applications for apartment leases. It was my job to catch them lying about whether their income (I actually called their supposed workplaces) or owed money to former landlords. Although I never met the applicants, I imagine they would have hated me. You may be able to find something similar.
posted by tuesdayschild at 3:05 PM on September 28, 2011


Internet forum moderator.
posted by foggy out there now at 3:10 PM on September 28, 2011 [3 favorites]


Tow truck driver!
posted by KokuRyu at 3:14 PM on September 28, 2011


Run for judge.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:20 PM on September 28, 2011


Telemarketing? Annoy more people faster than any job that doesn't involve itching powder and aerial bombardment.
posted by McCoy Pauley at 3:36 PM on September 28, 2011


Teaching?

No.
posted by madcaptenor at 3:50 PM on September 28, 2011 [5 favorites]


And to get yourself in shape while you prepare to make your career shift, join the board of your HOA.
posted by Wordwoman at 3:55 PM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]


being an attorney is perfect for collections. Many "legal practices" are nothing but debt collection mills.
posted by randomkeystrike at 4:05 PM on September 28, 2011


Collections, collections, collections. (I did *mumblemumble* years in retail, dealing with what I'm convinced was the dregs of humanity; was laid off with almost no notice, then after a too-long stretch without employment all I could find was a job collecting on overdue accounts: it was GLORIOUS. I went to work with a smile on my lips and a song in my heart, every day.)
posted by easily confused at 4:09 PM on September 28, 2011


I've never met an IT guy/gal without a bad attitude.
posted by jabes at 4:32 PM on September 28, 2011


I was a tax-man for a number of years, going into oil and gas corporations and fining them lots of money. Going into it, I thought it was great. I didn't have to be nice, and the corporations were easy to dislike.

It's all customer relations. I've seen a sharp word with the taxpayer escalate into a call from a state senator about the proper treatment of their citizens.

The war wounds are fun to share. I once spent a week in Lafayette going through invoices in a shed without light during a thunderstorm. A co-worker countered with the time she had dogs unleashed on her. I spent a month auditing a bankrupt company undergoing dissolution that was the lifeblood of a small rural town. And all my coworkers have had a representative break down, knowing the assessment would probably cost them their job, despite having any real chance of getting it right to begin with.
posted by politikitty at 4:35 PM on September 28, 2011


Rental department.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:59 PM on September 28, 2011


Lawyer for the CIA. Stop covert actions in their tracks.
posted by Xurando at 5:02 PM on September 28, 2011


Guys. You are recommending jobs that are known for bad service (Post Office, IT, police, DMV), not jobs that should have bad service.

OP, please don't be the next taser cop, molasses DMV worker or bad manners IT person. Find a job that just doesn't involve as many interactions with people. How about some sort of internal analyst or reviewer who spends most days poring over data?
posted by reeddavid at 5:59 PM on September 28, 2011 [3 favorites]


Become a stripper. Or a lobbyist.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:02 PM on September 28, 2011


I agree with the people suggesting jobs where you don't interact with people at all, rather than jobs where you could provide bad customer service. So what about something like a night security guard? That way you would rarely have to interact with anyone else.
posted by McPuppington the Third at 6:40 PM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]


While I'm pretty sure teaching was meant as a joke, definitely no. While you won't hate ALL of humanity, it's not unlikely that you will definitely come to deeply despise portions of it (autocratic jerks, negligent parents, etc.). Plus, you're dealing with people non-stop, no breaks, for 7-9 hours a day.

Becoming a programmer, sys admin, or researcher sounds like a good option if you're looking for an escape from people.
posted by smirkette at 6:51 PM on September 28, 2011


For these, as mentioned above, you will still have to please some people, but:

1. Mortuary work. Not the guy that says "in your time of need, blah, blah" (sales) but the body guy. Definately unsavory to many. Just do the best job you can, treat the bodies with respect. How much complaining will occur because a corpse looks like a corpse? Probably some, but make the business look good and I doubt that stuff would filter down to you ...

2. Once knew the most happy-go-lucky guy that did demolition. As in crash-the-building-down. Lost track of him so no idea how lucrative it is now with construction so depressed but who would not enjoy Angry Birds in real life?

3. nthing Repo Man. Know one of those guys too, has a side biz as a locksmith. Pretty much does his own thing on his schedule, answers only to his wife.

4. I work in veterinary medicine, and it is pretty customer-service heavy, but a couple of my buddies have moved into surgical specialties where the only humans they have to interact with are co-workers, and if you pull your own weight in that environment it's no problem to please who you must.

Still, none of these jobs would ever pay you what you might make as an attorney, if that matters at all.
posted by bebrave! at 7:08 PM on September 28, 2011


Beekeeper; the traditional employment of the solitary and cranky.
posted by scruss at 7:18 PM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]


"I've never met an IT guy/gal without a bad attitude."

Yeah, please don't come join us in IT. We have attitudes, but it's rare that other non-techy co-workers or clients see it - given the job market, we just can't afford to be Nick Burns any longer.

You *could* be one of the people who specialize in IT security, though. All day it's "No, you can't do that" or "I've taken away your access" or "No, we can't open that port."
posted by HopperFan at 8:03 PM on September 28, 2011


I respond to Freedom of Information Law requests for a district attorney's office. I sure make a lot of inmates and attorneys mad on a regular basis though I only interact with them in writing.
posted by mlle valentine at 8:04 PM on September 28, 2011 [1 favorite]


"Becoming a programmer, sys admin, or researcher sounds like a good option if you're looking for an escape from people."

Ugh, did not preview. NO, do not be a sys admin. I deal with people just as much as I deal with computers.
posted by HopperFan at 8:05 PM on September 28, 2011


(Attorney here:) I once did a commercial collection for a client (a small winery) owed money by another small winery. I did it all, including the serving the papers. It was a blast, some of the most fun I've had practicing law.
posted by Napoleonic Terrier at 11:10 PM on September 28, 2011 [1 favorite]


You are a lawyer ... internet copyright infringement (piracy) enforcer.
posted by jannw at 12:55 AM on September 29, 2011


"For what it's worth, I think you should try to turn away from your natural instincts. Embracing the part of you that despises humanity doesn't seem like a good long-term plan."
Agreed—for the betterment of the world and for yourself.
A grandfather imparting a life lesson to his grandson tells him,
"I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is vengeful, fearful, envious, resentful, deceitful. The other wolf is loving, compassionate, generous, truthful, and serene."
The grandson asks which wolf will win the fight.
The grandfather answers, "The one I feed."

posted by blueberry at 1:05 AM on September 29, 2011 [6 favorites]


Hmmmm.... a couple people are suggesting jobs where you would not have to interact with people, as opposed to jobs where you interact but don't need to "play nice".....

Okay, debt collections, tax assessor, repo man/tow truck driver, process server: all jobs where you get to be somewhat evil. If you'd rather just not have to deal with folks, someone above suggested beekeeper; the classics are firespotter for the Forest Service or lighthouse keeper. But there's also jobs like my own: theater projectionist: we tend to work alone for hours on end, and if you're competant and maintain your equipment well, it'll be even longer before you have have to talk to anyone: bliss!
posted by easily confused at 2:57 AM on September 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'm afraid that teaching and even prison guarding will force you to be a more caring and empathetic person. It just happens.

Oh, unless you teach or work at a rich white people school or prison!

therr ethan a job without compassion, how about a lonely job like freelance software designer? Or writer?
posted by jander03 at 2:13 PM on September 29, 2011


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