Boob issues.
September 20, 2011 8:56 AM Subscribe
How can I train myself to stop being so insecure about my breasts?
Since the boobs came in at 12 (I'm now 18), I've been insecure about them. They're not perky enough, my areolas are ugly, I have a few stretch marks, blah, blah, blah--you get the idea. The boobs in question are Cs with a medium pink areola, 2" in diameter (I know, I really did measure them; I've already been made fun of relentlessly).
Logically, I know breasts come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, etc. Emotionally/mentally, however, I'm repelled by mine. I desperately want the perky, firm Bs with areolas the size of quarters and all that. It's to the point where I can hardly stand to look at them in the mirror, let alone let my boyfriend see. He's wonderful and I want to be more intimate with him, but nausea sets in when I really think of him seeing my boobs. I think they're hideous; why wouldn't he?
How can I get over this? I'm already in therapy, but we've been dealing with other issues that take priority over this.
Thanks.
Since the boobs came in at 12 (I'm now 18), I've been insecure about them. They're not perky enough, my areolas are ugly, I have a few stretch marks, blah, blah, blah--you get the idea. The boobs in question are Cs with a medium pink areola, 2" in diameter (I know, I really did measure them; I've already been made fun of relentlessly).
Logically, I know breasts come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, etc. Emotionally/mentally, however, I'm repelled by mine. I desperately want the perky, firm Bs with areolas the size of quarters and all that. It's to the point where I can hardly stand to look at them in the mirror, let alone let my boyfriend see. He's wonderful and I want to be more intimate with him, but nausea sets in when I really think of him seeing my boobs. I think they're hideous; why wouldn't he?
How can I get over this? I'm already in therapy, but we've been dealing with other issues that take priority over this.
Thanks.
Re-assure yourself that your breasts are awesome. Because they're awesome. I'm trying not to sound creepy here, but shit. Anybody who would think there is something wrong with your breasts should be taken out back and hit over the head with an iron drain pipe.
Also probably you should read some good feminist writing about body perception issues and all that. I always recommend bell hooks, and for younger people I would also say Full Frontal Feminism.
Understanding why you think there's something wrong with your breasts is a good exercise.
posted by Jon_Evil at 9:03 AM on September 20, 2011
Also probably you should read some good feminist writing about body perception issues and all that. I always recommend bell hooks, and for younger people I would also say Full Frontal Feminism.
Understanding why you think there's something wrong with your breasts is a good exercise.
posted by Jon_Evil at 9:03 AM on September 20, 2011
You need to limit your exposure to fashion magazines and other media which relentlessly portray the "perky, firm Bs" as the only kind of breasts worth having. And you need to actively seek out portrayals of normal, everyday womenso you can realise how non-freakish you are.
My Body Gallery is a good start towards finding pictures of normal women that haven't been touched up, even though it's a whole body thing and not a breast-thing specifically, and most of the women in the photos are not naked - still, it's a good way of seeing women who have breasts of all different shapes and sizes, and how decidedly NORMAL and beautiful they all are.
posted by Ziggy500 at 9:09 AM on September 20, 2011 [12 favorites]
My Body Gallery is a good start towards finding pictures of normal women that haven't been touched up, even though it's a whole body thing and not a breast-thing specifically, and most of the women in the photos are not naked - still, it's a good way of seeing women who have breasts of all different shapes and sizes, and how decidedly NORMAL and beautiful they all are.
posted by Ziggy500 at 9:09 AM on September 20, 2011 [12 favorites]
As someone who is a boyfriend to a person with breasts, and has previously been boyfriend to a few other persons with breasts, all of different shapes, I can tell you that your boyfriend will absolutely love your boobs. Because boyfriends love boobs without reservation. All those things you don't like about your boobs he even won't notice because he'll be going "ZOMG BOOBS!!!"
posted by ghharr at 9:10 AM on September 20, 2011 [24 favorites]
posted by ghharr at 9:10 AM on September 20, 2011 [24 favorites]
I was very self conscious of my breasts for years - breasts that look a lot like yours - and one thing that helped was the Normal Breast Gallery (NSFW) and similar projects online. For the first time in my life, I could see so many different breasts on women my age and see the sheer diversity of size and especially shape.
This - and a supportive SO - has done so much for my confidence. Also, buying some high-quality, well-fitted bras - I (like so many others) was wearing my band too big and my cup too small.
posted by jb at 9:12 AM on September 20, 2011 [10 favorites]
This - and a supportive SO - has done so much for my confidence. Also, buying some high-quality, well-fitted bras - I (like so many others) was wearing my band too big and my cup too small.
posted by jb at 9:12 AM on September 20, 2011 [10 favorites]
Start by looking at photos of real women's breasts.
When I was in my 20s I realized that everything I thought I knew about my body - i.e., how I measured up - came from my boyfriends or from women's magazines. Looking at real women's bodies was a huge wake-up call for me and very empowering.
And then there's Tim Minchin's Confessions, for a male perspective on women's breasts.
All that said I wonder if there's not another issue at play here. To some degree your breasts are a symbol of your femininity, so perhaps you have some complicated feelings around that? Definitely worth bringing up in therapy.
posted by bunderful at 9:12 AM on September 20, 2011 [7 favorites]
When I was in my 20s I realized that everything I thought I knew about my body - i.e., how I measured up - came from my boyfriends or from women's magazines. Looking at real women's bodies was a huge wake-up call for me and very empowering.
And then there's Tim Minchin's Confessions, for a male perspective on women's breasts.
All that said I wonder if there's not another issue at play here. To some degree your breasts are a symbol of your femininity, so perhaps you have some complicated feelings around that? Definitely worth bringing up in therapy.
posted by bunderful at 9:12 AM on September 20, 2011 [7 favorites]
Just to reassure you, your boobs sound perfectly normal and attractive. And a lot of girls with A cups would be jealous of you! Maybe let your boyfriend see them and let him reassure you that he thinks they're attractive? Because I assure you, he will.
We never see ourselves as others see us, we tend to focus on tiny details rather than looking at the whole picture. In your case I'm sure that whole picture is one your boyfriend has the hots for, and you should relax! He's not going to be nit-picking, he's going to be thrilled that you want to be more intimate with him and that he gets to see boobs
posted by stillnocturnal at 9:13 AM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
We never see ourselves as others see us, we tend to focus on tiny details rather than looking at the whole picture. In your case I'm sure that whole picture is one your boyfriend has the hots for, and you should relax! He's not going to be nit-picking, he's going to be thrilled that you want to be more intimate with him and that he gets to see boobs
posted by stillnocturnal at 9:13 AM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
You might want to consider discussing this with your therapist. Some things that are helping me with body dysmorphia issues are:
1. The Body Image Workbook
2. Something Fishy
3. You are quite young. I am not saying that at all to denigrate or minimize the issue. I am saying that you haven't had a huge amount of experience in all of the different body shapes and sizes that men and women like. So called "perfect" model boobs are so not what your intimate partner wants from you. If your boyfriend likes you, he likes you. Boobs and all. Perhaps especially boobs. Some people aren't interested in B's. Some men aren't interested in DDs. We all have types. We all have likes. If your boyfriend is sticking around, he probably likes you just the way you are.
That doesn't address the fact that you are "repelled" by your boobs. This, you need to get to the bottom of. We should not be repelled by our own bodies. People don't just simply decide to start hating their bodies. Someone taught you that. Find out who and find out how to stop that by talking to your therapist.
Also, just for some "pick me ups"
Feel free to PM me if you want. I'd be happy to chat.
posted by Sophie1 at 9:14 AM on September 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
1. The Body Image Workbook
2. Something Fishy
3. You are quite young. I am not saying that at all to denigrate or minimize the issue. I am saying that you haven't had a huge amount of experience in all of the different body shapes and sizes that men and women like. So called "perfect" model boobs are so not what your intimate partner wants from you. If your boyfriend likes you, he likes you. Boobs and all. Perhaps especially boobs. Some people aren't interested in B's. Some men aren't interested in DDs. We all have types. We all have likes. If your boyfriend is sticking around, he probably likes you just the way you are.
That doesn't address the fact that you are "repelled" by your boobs. This, you need to get to the bottom of. We should not be repelled by our own bodies. People don't just simply decide to start hating their bodies. Someone taught you that. Find out who and find out how to stop that by talking to your therapist.
Also, just for some "pick me ups"
Feel free to PM me if you want. I'd be happy to chat.
posted by Sophie1 at 9:14 AM on September 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
I think they're hideous; why wouldn't he?
Well because logically you know they are fine, and he doesn't have your specific personal hangups about them so he will think they are fine/awesome/whatever. This is something you feel emotionally self conscious about and that's not strange at all, almost everyone thinks that they look worse than they do in some way. For you it's your breasts but it could be your nose or your stomach or any other random thing. You should probably let your boyfriend know that you feel self-conscious and that you need to be emotionally reassured that you are okay, because otherwise you will probably still be thinking negatively about it unless you get direct feedback from him. But when you do get direct feedback that you look great, it's really helpful in emotionally getting past it, because when someone you are close to shares their positive view on it that helps combat your negative view and gives you some perspective on it.
posted by burnmp3s at 9:16 AM on September 20, 2011
Well because logically you know they are fine, and he doesn't have your specific personal hangups about them so he will think they are fine/awesome/whatever. This is something you feel emotionally self conscious about and that's not strange at all, almost everyone thinks that they look worse than they do in some way. For you it's your breasts but it could be your nose or your stomach or any other random thing. You should probably let your boyfriend know that you feel self-conscious and that you need to be emotionally reassured that you are okay, because otherwise you will probably still be thinking negatively about it unless you get direct feedback from him. But when you do get direct feedback that you look great, it's really helpful in emotionally getting past it, because when someone you are close to shares their positive view on it that helps combat your negative view and gives you some perspective on it.
posted by burnmp3s at 9:16 AM on September 20, 2011
I think you should considering this as what it quite possibly is, which is a body dysmorphic disorder. There isn't a shred of doubt in my mind that your breasts are just lovely and that your hang-ups with them are a mental pathology and nothing more. What your brain thinks your eyes are seeing is simply not reality.
But there's also not a shred of doubt in my mind that however many number of random internet dudes assuring you that we love all the breasts (which we assuredly do) is not going to make you accept your own. It's a serious enough problem to get its place in your therapy and it is probably far from irrelevant to your other issues.
posted by nanojath at 9:17 AM on September 20, 2011 [5 favorites]
But there's also not a shred of doubt in my mind that however many number of random internet dudes assuring you that we love all the breasts (which we assuredly do) is not going to make you accept your own. It's a serious enough problem to get its place in your therapy and it is probably far from irrelevant to your other issues.
posted by nanojath at 9:17 AM on September 20, 2011 [5 favorites]
You know that *a lot* of men love light pink areolas, right? With age you will become more confident about your breasts. Do not ridicule your breasts in front of your boyfriend. If he compliments you, believe him. Until you fully love your breasts -- I have a feeling you will come to accept them fully with time -- you might wear sheer lace demi, or balcony, bras during romantic times with your boyfriend. Another example. They will give you lift, they are see-thru, which is alluring, and the top half of the breast is exposed. Soon you will be ready to bare all. Keep practicing accepting them. Enjoy them. Good luck.
posted by Fairchild at 9:23 AM on September 20, 2011
posted by Fairchild at 9:23 AM on September 20, 2011
And a lot of girls with A cups would be jealous of you!
I understand what you're trying to do here, but comparisons to other women's breasts -- and encouraging other people to compare and figure out who they're better than -- is not very helpful. Everyone can be built up without climbing on each other's shoulders.
posted by brainmouse at 9:24 AM on September 20, 2011 [24 favorites]
I understand what you're trying to do here, but comparisons to other women's breasts -- and encouraging other people to compare and figure out who they're better than -- is not very helpful. Everyone can be built up without climbing on each other's shoulders.
posted by brainmouse at 9:24 AM on September 20, 2011 [24 favorites]
I agree that this sounds more body-dysmorphic/trust-related than anything else, so keep working on that.
Meanwhile, you need to get at least a couple of the right bras. NOT, I should stress, so that your boobs will be perfect with the aid of a certain thing or other, but because you need to do the best with what you have. That involves treating them right.
Go to a shop like Intimacy or Contours (in beautiful Madison, WI) and have them fuss over you. They will bring things to you instead of having you paw over racks (heh), and chances are they will give you something that will surprise you in both the way it makes you look and the way it makes you feel. If you think you could never go strapless, or are always doomed to certain styles, think again. It is VERY IMPORTANT that even if all of your bras aren't great, you have some go-to options you know beyond a shadow of a doubt will be so much better.
As for guys, fuck 'em (literally! wooo! okay, I'll stop now...). I've been with one guy who said he preferred small boobs but was THRILLED with my then-F-cups. I've been with another guy who adored my giant breasts but kind of sucked at the rest of the relationship equation. Your own confidence is what matters.
Now, I don't think that confidence and body hatred work very well together, but it is entirely possible to dislike one part of yourself and be confident about everything else. It's harder, but it's possible. The key is to say, "I like how this feels and what it gets me and how I am experiencing it," not "I hate the spotlight on my one horrible spot about which I can never forget. Think holistically. You, and your partner, are way more than just parts. You are whole, beautiful people.
As for the comparing yourself to other people thing: remember that everyone else, even the ones you consider the most perfect, has things they hate about themselves. It may be the part everyone thinks is the greatest; it may be something that they take excessive pains to hide. EVERYONE has issues. You are absolutely not alone.
posted by Madamina at 9:26 AM on September 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
Meanwhile, you need to get at least a couple of the right bras. NOT, I should stress, so that your boobs will be perfect with the aid of a certain thing or other, but because you need to do the best with what you have. That involves treating them right.
Go to a shop like Intimacy or Contours (in beautiful Madison, WI) and have them fuss over you. They will bring things to you instead of having you paw over racks (heh), and chances are they will give you something that will surprise you in both the way it makes you look and the way it makes you feel. If you think you could never go strapless, or are always doomed to certain styles, think again. It is VERY IMPORTANT that even if all of your bras aren't great, you have some go-to options you know beyond a shadow of a doubt will be so much better.
As for guys, fuck 'em (literally! wooo! okay, I'll stop now...). I've been with one guy who said he preferred small boobs but was THRILLED with my then-F-cups. I've been with another guy who adored my giant breasts but kind of sucked at the rest of the relationship equation. Your own confidence is what matters.
Now, I don't think that confidence and body hatred work very well together, but it is entirely possible to dislike one part of yourself and be confident about everything else. It's harder, but it's possible. The key is to say, "I like how this feels and what it gets me and how I am experiencing it," not "I hate the spotlight on my one horrible spot about which I can never forget. Think holistically. You, and your partner, are way more than just parts. You are whole, beautiful people.
As for the comparing yourself to other people thing: remember that everyone else, even the ones you consider the most perfect, has things they hate about themselves. It may be the part everyone thinks is the greatest; it may be something that they take excessive pains to hide. EVERYONE has issues. You are absolutely not alone.
posted by Madamina at 9:26 AM on September 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
it might be unconventional and some might say it'll do more harm than good, but finding porn that features boobs like yours might help. it's what helped me. i have pretty much always hated my breasts outside of a bra (inside of a bra they're magnificent, outside they're just not the shape, perkiness, nipple/areola combo i would have ordered). i watched things like i feel myself and the crashpad series which features women of a lot of different shapes and sizes enjoying themselves. a lot of (actual) amateur porn has this same benefit. stay away from all the shiny, glossy companies with their cookie cutter mold of beauty (this includes suicide girls).
this could be body dismorphia - but, i also think what you're feeling is totally common. boys on playgrounds and in bars joke about pancake boobs, dinner plate nipples, and inflation/deflation. other women join in on the taunting as well. in every direction you're being told there's this perfect body part and you feel yours doesn't measure up. the trick is to realize that barely anyone does and that it's our imperfections that make us beautiful.
i still have days, weeks even, where i don't want to see my boobs. a big part of getting over it is letting my husband delight in them. he loves my breasts. he tells me and shows me constantly. allowing him to take sexual pleasure in them helps me feel less repulsed and more appealing.
posted by nadawi at 9:28 AM on September 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
this could be body dismorphia - but, i also think what you're feeling is totally common. boys on playgrounds and in bars joke about pancake boobs, dinner plate nipples, and inflation/deflation. other women join in on the taunting as well. in every direction you're being told there's this perfect body part and you feel yours doesn't measure up. the trick is to realize that barely anyone does and that it's our imperfections that make us beautiful.
i still have days, weeks even, where i don't want to see my boobs. a big part of getting over it is letting my husband delight in them. he loves my breasts. he tells me and shows me constantly. allowing him to take sexual pleasure in them helps me feel less repulsed and more appealing.
posted by nadawi at 9:28 AM on September 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
Identical situation to the T, and I had surgery. I had a 'deformity', but I didn't know it was a deformity until I started researching surgeons. I would have had the surgery regardless. I made myself wait until finishing college, but I wish I had done it sooner.
I wish I could speak to the 'confidence' aspect of it, but all of the trips to 007b.com never helped at all. I'm a huge feminist and it was a hard choice to make. I thought that if I willed my hatred of my breasts away, it would eventually leave. It never did.
posted by 200burritos at 9:32 AM on September 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
I wish I could speak to the 'confidence' aspect of it, but all of the trips to 007b.com never helped at all. I'm a huge feminist and it was a hard choice to make. I thought that if I willed my hatred of my breasts away, it would eventually leave. It never did.
posted by 200burritos at 9:32 AM on September 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think they're hideous; why wouldn't he?
Here's the thing-- guys are a LOT less discriminating about boobs than you'd think, because they're something they doesn't have 24/7 access to.
I realize I'm generalizing here, but your boyfriend is not going to be thinking "huh, they're an unusual shape," he's going to be thinking "oh my god i can see her boobs live and maybe that means she'll be taking off more clothing and that means we'll have sex fantastic yay". Or he'll be thinking "hey let me try doing THIS or THAT with her boobs and see what happens wow she likes it awesome maybe we'll have sex now". Seriously, unless your each of your boobs looks like Ernest Borgnine's face, he will dig how they look, because he's more concerned about is "boobs + naked = possible sex."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:39 AM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Here's the thing-- guys are a LOT less discriminating about boobs than you'd think, because they're something they doesn't have 24/7 access to.
I realize I'm generalizing here, but your boyfriend is not going to be thinking "huh, they're an unusual shape," he's going to be thinking "oh my god i can see her boobs live and maybe that means she'll be taking off more clothing and that means we'll have sex fantastic yay". Or he'll be thinking "hey let me try doing THIS or THAT with her boobs and see what happens wow she likes it awesome maybe we'll have sex now". Seriously, unless your each of your boobs looks like Ernest Borgnine's face, he will dig how they look, because he's more concerned about is "boobs + naked = possible sex."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:39 AM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
I had a 'deformity', but I didn't know it was a deformity until I started researching surgeons.
You didn't know it was a deformity because it isn't. A surgeon will cut or change something if you want 'em to and can pay for it and it's not considered harmful to do so; that doesn't mean it's a deformity. People who have a vested interest in you paying them a large amount of money to change the size of your areolas are not a good authority on whether yours are "deformed" or not. I support your right to do whatever you want with your breasts, but I disagree with your language.
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:45 AM on September 20, 2011 [8 favorites]
You didn't know it was a deformity because it isn't. A surgeon will cut or change something if you want 'em to and can pay for it and it's not considered harmful to do so; that doesn't mean it's a deformity. People who have a vested interest in you paying them a large amount of money to change the size of your areolas are not a good authority on whether yours are "deformed" or not. I support your right to do whatever you want with your breasts, but I disagree with your language.
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:45 AM on September 20, 2011 [8 favorites]
I've already been made fun of relentlessly).
Whoever did that is a FUCKING DICK
I stumbled on that line and finally interpreted it as 'made fun of relentlessly for measuring my areola' rather than 'made fun of relentlessly for the appearance my areola'. Still possibly dickish, but probably not FUCKING DICK worthy, and fits with what seems to be good, if hard to implement, advice here: the majority of media images of women do not resemble the majority of women, so if you can stop measuring your body and finding it lacking when compared with an arbitrary and impossible ideal, you'll really be better off.
posted by dirtdirt at 9:49 AM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Whoever did that is a FUCKING DICK
I stumbled on that line and finally interpreted it as 'made fun of relentlessly for measuring my areola' rather than 'made fun of relentlessly for the appearance my areola'. Still possibly dickish, but probably not FUCKING DICK worthy, and fits with what seems to be good, if hard to implement, advice here: the majority of media images of women do not resemble the majority of women, so if you can stop measuring your body and finding it lacking when compared with an arbitrary and impossible ideal, you'll really be better off.
posted by dirtdirt at 9:49 AM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Thought of another thing - I had some insecurity about my own breasts at first, as they were kind of small when I was a lithe young thing. Then the first time I let a guy see them, he went crazy for them (as part of the going crazy over me in general). And so did the next guy, and the next, and the next, and...soon I had a whole lot of personal experience to counter that insecurity -- because hey, my boobs maybe small, but all those guys sure didn't complain.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:51 AM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:51 AM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Youth is part of it. It took me until much later in life to stop obsessing so much about my body. That's truly the saddest thing about being a young girl. You don't appreciate how amazing and wonderful your body is until you start to age. You are so busy obsessing on flaws that you can't see how easy and healthy your body is. Maybe try just not to think about it so much. I'm not going to tell you to love your boobs. But maybe acknowledge that you don't like them and then move on. Tell yourself that you're not going to think about them today and try to do that. Eventually, you'll get past the hormones and magnifying glass of youth and wonder why you wasted so much energy on this angst.
I also think you should look at some boobs. However, I direct you to vintage porn. Those women had such funny bodies (compared to our hyper-plastic conformity ideal today). They had all kinds of boobs and nipples and fleshy bottoms and soft tummies and people loved that stuff! It's no coincidence that the along with the rise in photoshop and airbrushing, came the rise of beauty perfection. Guess what? None of the nipples you see in Playboy are real. I guarantee you that they have been altered. The boobs are puffed up surgically or with photoshop or, most likely, with both. Don't look at that stuff. Ever. Video porn tends to be a little more realistic because they can't touch it up as much in post.
I say don't look at it because logically we think we can take it with a grain of salt and know that it's fake but our brains are actually not sophisticated enough to discard that input as junk. So don't input it.
I think it's sad that most boys and a lot of girls today really have no idea what women's bodies look like.
posted by amanda at 9:53 AM on September 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
I also think you should look at some boobs. However, I direct you to vintage porn. Those women had such funny bodies (compared to our hyper-plastic conformity ideal today). They had all kinds of boobs and nipples and fleshy bottoms and soft tummies and people loved that stuff! It's no coincidence that the along with the rise in photoshop and airbrushing, came the rise of beauty perfection. Guess what? None of the nipples you see in Playboy are real. I guarantee you that they have been altered. The boobs are puffed up surgically or with photoshop or, most likely, with both. Don't look at that stuff. Ever. Video porn tends to be a little more realistic because they can't touch it up as much in post.
I say don't look at it because logically we think we can take it with a grain of salt and know that it's fake but our brains are actually not sophisticated enough to discard that input as junk. So don't input it.
I think it's sad that most boys and a lot of girls today really have no idea what women's bodies look like.
posted by amanda at 9:53 AM on September 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
Your boobs are going to change throughout your life. Mine changed shape so significantly from 18-25 that they don't even really look the same anymore. And mine came in the summer before fourth grade. Don't worry. Someone somewhere might choose your boobs as a quick and easy way of making you feel like shit, but don't let them. Any guy who gets near your boobs should be so overjoyed to be there he won't be allowed to complain. And if he does complain, you put your bra back on and kick him out. For the good of all womanity.
But this point of view won't help you if you're not discussing this in therapy. Do that first!
posted by theraflu at 9:56 AM on September 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
But this point of view won't help you if you're not discussing this in therapy. Do that first!
posted by theraflu at 9:56 AM on September 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
One of the biggest points of contention between my boyfriend and myself right now is how I feel about my body. I spend a lot of time microanalyzing how I look and at least once a week I mention how badly I want a mastopexy so my now-saggy-once-double-Ds can be supple and perky again. I want a mastopexy more than I can possibly explain to you. But my bf? He loves my boobs no matter what. He tells me, "You are at your most attractive when you feel confident about your body. When you're self hating, how can I override that? It's not my place to override your feelings about yourself. You have to love you!"
So from one boob-hating girl to another... Let's just focus on loving ourselves and the way we look, okay? And if your boyfriend decides he can't handle how gorgeous you are, chuck him out the door.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:05 AM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
So from one boob-hating girl to another... Let's just focus on loving ourselves and the way we look, okay? And if your boyfriend decides he can't handle how gorgeous you are, chuck him out the door.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:05 AM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Join FetLife, look at pictures of boobs like yours, read the adoring comments. Enough said.
posted by Dragonness at 10:39 AM on September 20, 2011
posted by Dragonness at 10:39 AM on September 20, 2011
I'm already in therapy, but we've been dealing with other issues that take priority over this.
I'd suggest making some time for this. I have a friend who started having issues with her breasts at about your age who has made herself absolutely miserable over the passing decades. I won't burden you with the details, but I think that if she had spent some time trying to figure out why she was unhappy, generally, she could have spared herself a considerable amount of physical, mental, and emotional pain.
So, again, please make some time for this.
posted by lekvar at 10:41 AM on September 20, 2011
I'd suggest making some time for this. I have a friend who started having issues with her breasts at about your age who has made herself absolutely miserable over the passing decades. I won't burden you with the details, but I think that if she had spent some time trying to figure out why she was unhappy, generally, she could have spared herself a considerable amount of physical, mental, and emotional pain.
So, again, please make some time for this.
posted by lekvar at 10:41 AM on September 20, 2011
I spent five years waitressing in topless bars. As one of the very few women in the place with clothes on, the customers treated me kinda like a buddy, and would talk to me about the dancers. Here's what I can tell you about men and boobs:
1. Most menlike love large areolas. The bigger, the better. They do not care what color they are.
2. Men don't even care if they match. There was a dancer at a club I worked at who had one breast that was about a AA cup, and the other was a C cup. She made lots of money.*
3. Lots of men love pendulous breasts. I don't even mean "not perky", I mean pendulous. As in saggy. To them, pendulous = heavy and large, and heavy and large are good. These men were not freaks or perverts. (And trust me, we did get freaks and perverts sometimes. I should write a book.)
4. This will probably be the most surprising, but there are men who find stretch marks on breasts erotic. Again, stretch marks = heavy and large, and heavy and large are good things.
5. You know how when you're naked and on all fours, they hang and get even more pendulous? Yeah, they love that, too.
6. And when you lie on your back, and your breasts head for your armpits? Yep, they love that, too.
7. You know what happens when your boyfriend sees your breasts? The 12 year old boy inside him screams "BOOOOOOOOOOOBS! OMG, BOOOBS! YAY, ME!"
*10 years later, she ended up dating the guy who lived in the other half of our duplex. She was still stripping and still making money.
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:42 AM on September 20, 2011 [53 favorites]
1. Most men
2. Men don't even care if they match. There was a dancer at a club I worked at who had one breast that was about a AA cup, and the other was a C cup. She made lots of money.*
3. Lots of men love pendulous breasts. I don't even mean "not perky", I mean pendulous. As in saggy. To them, pendulous = heavy and large, and heavy and large are good. These men were not freaks or perverts. (And trust me, we did get freaks and perverts sometimes. I should write a book.)
4. This will probably be the most surprising, but there are men who find stretch marks on breasts erotic. Again, stretch marks = heavy and large, and heavy and large are good things.
5. You know how when you're naked and on all fours, they hang and get even more pendulous? Yeah, they love that, too.
6. And when you lie on your back, and your breasts head for your armpits? Yep, they love that, too.
7. You know what happens when your boyfriend sees your breasts? The 12 year old boy inside him screams "BOOOOOOOOOOOBS! OMG, BOOOBS! YAY, ME!"
*10 years later, she ended up dating the guy who lived in the other half of our duplex. She was still stripping and still making money.
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:42 AM on September 20, 2011 [53 favorites]
P.S. Do a google search for "big areolas" or "big nipples", and be shocked and awed at how many results you get.
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:45 AM on September 20, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:45 AM on September 20, 2011 [5 favorites]
This might sound weird, but if you can afford it, get boudoir photos taken. Nude or in lingerie. Trust me, good lighting and discreet retouching, and you'll be astounded at how great you look. Years ago, I had a photo-nut BF and he took photos of me that I might not show my kids, but I'd be proud to drag them out for grandkids someday.
posted by Ideefixe at 11:00 AM on September 20, 2011
posted by Ideefixe at 11:00 AM on September 20, 2011
Is there anywhere that you could spend time around other women in a non-sexually unclothed state? Going to a women-only spa (if there's one you can get to that isn't stuck in an unhealthy focus on weight loss and appearance) and spending time in a steam room or hot tub with lots of other undressed women can be a wonderful way to really get it on a deep-down level that women's bodies come in all different shapes and sizes and that they're all great. That woman's big breasts are great, and that woman's mastectomy scar is great, and that woman's unmuscular arms are great, and my small breasts are great, and...
In a post about the much-regretted closing of Osento, a women-only spa that was in San Francisco for 28 years, one blogger wrote:
In a post about the much-regretted closing of Osento, a women-only spa that was in San Francisco for 28 years, one blogger wrote:
…it was a place to experience the myriad beauty of real women.posted by Lexica at 11:17 AM on September 20, 2011
Whatever your orientation, the sheer variety was reassuring: everyone was different, and there was beauty to be found in every curve. Forget those dopey Dove soap ads; this was a place to see the tattooed rings of a double-women's-symbol inked as a pair of linked handcuffs; to see dreads, scars, huge breasts, no breasts, every kind of variation of taut skin, wrinkled skin, flared hips, skinny legs, women with extravagant curves and spare women straight up and down.
Goodness gracious, you sound like you have perfect boobs! Why do you think you have hideous boobs? Have you been looking at pictures of fake or airbrushed ones that make you think that yours are hideous?
Everyone has stretch marks in some place or another because that happens when your body grows quickly. Your skin has to catch up. You can try some cocoa butter or shea butter on them if you really would like to diminish the marks. I have them on my knees even!
Areolas will change color as you get older. Mine are not pink anymore and I am sad and self conscious about them. Larger nipples are okay! You will be glad they are when you realize how much pleasure you can gain from them at times of intimacy later in your life.
My boobs are small. I had a boyfriend who told me they were perfect because I couldn't be athletic if my boobs were bigger and he liked my athletic build. By the way, mine are a little droopy and not perky like they used to be. I would love to have boobs big enough that would fill some of the nice strapless or V neck dresses out there in the world, but after so many years on earth, I have decided to just work on liking what I have.
I guess that is what I want to say. Just look at them in the mirror and see the things that are nice about them. Stand up straight, take a breath, they are lovely and enjoy them!!
posted by Yellow at 11:17 AM on September 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
Everyone has stretch marks in some place or another because that happens when your body grows quickly. Your skin has to catch up. You can try some cocoa butter or shea butter on them if you really would like to diminish the marks. I have them on my knees even!
Areolas will change color as you get older. Mine are not pink anymore and I am sad and self conscious about them. Larger nipples are okay! You will be glad they are when you realize how much pleasure you can gain from them at times of intimacy later in your life.
My boobs are small. I had a boyfriend who told me they were perfect because I couldn't be athletic if my boobs were bigger and he liked my athletic build. By the way, mine are a little droopy and not perky like they used to be. I would love to have boobs big enough that would fill some of the nice strapless or V neck dresses out there in the world, but after so many years on earth, I have decided to just work on liking what I have.
I guess that is what I want to say. Just look at them in the mirror and see the things that are nice about them. Stand up straight, take a breath, they are lovely and enjoy them!!
posted by Yellow at 11:17 AM on September 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
On preview, Yellow said everything I wanted to say.
posted by luckynerd at 11:23 AM on September 20, 2011
posted by luckynerd at 11:23 AM on September 20, 2011
MexicanYenta's enumerated list should be sidebarred. Great stuff. And true.
posted by jayder at 11:47 AM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by jayder at 11:47 AM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
I was going to post all about how some of my girlfriends had breasts that were A-AA, or B with tiny nips, or C-D with huge areolas (and of course was crazy with lust for each girl's particular offering)... but then nanojath reminded me that "assuring you that we love all the breasts (which we assuredly do) is not going to make you accept your own."
Body dysmorphia. As many have pointed out. A keen, cruel form of self-abuse.
While some nice guy is sweating on a date with you, thinking
"OMG OMG OMG I think I'm gonna get to see her BREASTS!!! OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH there they are! HOT!!!",
you're stuck thinking,
"OMG OMG He's totally going to hate my breasts..."
MexicanYenta's dead-on, of course. While the loudest idiots at a "titty bar" (and online) are often the ones screaming for huge, unnatural-looking silicone bags, my experience is that there are plenty of quieter guys interested in the smaller cups, the big areolas (or small!), the long nipples, or short. They outnumber the ones who hoot for tennis-ball boobs, even if they don't outshout them.
Heck, all women's breasts at my age sag - sag is hot for me! It means "full-grown, near my age, potentially accessible sexiness"! And areola size is what it is - it's like the shape of the swirl on the cupcake icing: neat, but not how I pick which one I want!
tl;dr: It's all in your head. All of it. ALL.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:34 PM on September 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
Body dysmorphia. As many have pointed out. A keen, cruel form of self-abuse.
While some nice guy is sweating on a date with you, thinking
"OMG OMG OMG I think I'm gonna get to see her BREASTS!!! OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH there they are! HOT!!!",
you're stuck thinking,
"OMG OMG He's totally going to hate my breasts..."
MexicanYenta's dead-on, of course. While the loudest idiots at a "titty bar" (and online) are often the ones screaming for huge, unnatural-looking silicone bags, my experience is that there are plenty of quieter guys interested in the smaller cups, the big areolas (or small!), the long nipples, or short. They outnumber the ones who hoot for tennis-ball boobs, even if they don't outshout them.
Heck, all women's breasts at my age sag - sag is hot for me! It means "full-grown, near my age, potentially accessible sexiness"! And areola size is what it is - it's like the shape of the swirl on the cupcake icing: neat, but not how I pick which one I want!
tl;dr: It's all in your head. All of it. ALL.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:34 PM on September 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
A friend of mine recently asked me my opinion on pubic hair (I'm a guy, she's a girl). Her question was simple, "do you like a full bush, trimmed but with some hair, completely shaved, a little bacon strip, etc". My response was easy, "I could care less, I'm just happy to be there."
Boobs are the same. The girls can go fuck themselves and the guys will be thrilled when you whip them out. They may come in all shapes and sizes, but the one thing that is consistent is that men love seeing them.
Plus, you are 18. I know you feel like this is a big age, but it isn't. Get mid-way into your 20s and you won't give a damn about what other people think about your boobs. That kind of teasing is very elementary.
posted by darkgroove at 12:48 PM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Boobs are the same. The girls can go fuck themselves and the guys will be thrilled when you whip them out. They may come in all shapes and sizes, but the one thing that is consistent is that men love seeing them.
Plus, you are 18. I know you feel like this is a big age, but it isn't. Get mid-way into your 20s and you won't give a damn about what other people think about your boobs. That kind of teasing is very elementary.
posted by darkgroove at 12:48 PM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Lock your bedroom door. Light a candle and turn out the lights, take your clothes off, stand in front of the mirror, rub some lotion or massage oil on your breasts. Feel how soft your skin is, notice that your hands probably don't even feel the stretch marks, notice how warm and full your breasts feel. Cuddle them like your old favorite stuffed animal. Play with your nipples, notice how they change when they're touched. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Pretend you're smiling at your sweet boyfriend. Practice this exercise for a few days, fake it until you make it if you have to.
I'm a mom and grandmom more than three times your age. Mine are shaped like yours, big areolas and all. Yeah, mine sag some, and did even when I was your age. Everyone I've let touch them has enjoyed doing so.
posted by mareli at 12:58 PM on September 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm a mom and grandmom more than three times your age. Mine are shaped like yours, big areolas and all. Yeah, mine sag some, and did even when I was your age. Everyone I've let touch them has enjoyed doing so.
posted by mareli at 12:58 PM on September 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
I am overweight and had a shitty self image and hated guys to see me naked, but something a male friend told me changed all that. He said basically when a guy finally gets to see a girl he likes naked he isn't thinking OMG her breasts are funny, she has a belly, her areolas are funny, he's thinking one thing only OMG Naked woman = best thing ever.
I would suggest bringing it up with your therapist and doing all the logical practical things about sorting out your self image that the much more sensible people than I have suggested above. Part of me though wonders if you just basically let your boyfriend have 5 minutes alone with your boobs (well OK you'd have to be there too) you'd see just how appreciative of them he could be and how beautiful he thought they were. Getting him to stop at the end of the 5 minutes might be the problem. It might also reassure you a lot about how attractive they really are. If you were super nervous, you could maybe start by leaving your bra on, and just letting him look at them, stroke them.
posted by wwax at 1:35 PM on September 20, 2011
I would suggest bringing it up with your therapist and doing all the logical practical things about sorting out your self image that the much more sensible people than I have suggested above. Part of me though wonders if you just basically let your boyfriend have 5 minutes alone with your boobs (well OK you'd have to be there too) you'd see just how appreciative of them he could be and how beautiful he thought they were. Getting him to stop at the end of the 5 minutes might be the problem. It might also reassure you a lot about how attractive they really are. If you were super nervous, you could maybe start by leaving your bra on, and just letting him look at them, stroke them.
posted by wwax at 1:35 PM on September 20, 2011
Something else I thought of - how judgey are you about other people's bodies? I mean, really? I bet you're not that judgey. You might notice a really big nose or an odd birthmark but you are not looking that closely at other people to find their minute flaws. I mean, what's your preference in nut sacks? Pear shaped? Pluot? Tan or pink? I bet you have never considered the scrutiny and standard which you could hold to your boyfriend's balls. The truth is, people are the same about you. No one holds us to the high standards we hold up for ourselves. No one expects the perfection we demand from our own bodies. So, trying seeing yourself from an outside perspective and give yourself a break.
posted by amanda at 1:36 PM on September 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by amanda at 1:36 PM on September 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
He's wonderful and I want to be more intimate with him, but nausea sets in when I really think of him seeing my boobs. I think they're hideous; why wouldn't he?
Here's my take on intimacy (and relationships, at large): the only thing that is real, and to an extent, possible, is what you have with you. Sure, there are women with "ideal" breasts out there, but they're imaginary, because they aren't part of your relationship with your boyfriend. The only thing real there is you and him. He wants you for who you are, not what you could be. Everything else is imaginary.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:25 PM on September 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
Here's my take on intimacy (and relationships, at large): the only thing that is real, and to an extent, possible, is what you have with you. Sure, there are women with "ideal" breasts out there, but they're imaginary, because they aren't part of your relationship with your boyfriend. The only thing real there is you and him. He wants you for who you are, not what you could be. Everything else is imaginary.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:25 PM on September 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
I realise now my earlier comment could be taken negatively, I didn't mean it that way, more to represent that EVERYONE is jealous of EVERYONE elses bodies. We always want what we don't have, and girls in particular feel this way about breasts. Trust me, I've listened to this conversation between other girls many times, and have my own problems with inadequacy in that department.
I wasn't saying "C" is better than "A" at all, obviously it isn't, all boobs are awesome. I could as easily have said some women with DD cups would like yours. I was pointing out that you have boobs that other people will look at and think "her boobs are awesome" because we're all a bit crazy. I can see how that might be misconstrued though.
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:31 PM on September 20, 2011
I wasn't saying "C" is better than "A" at all, obviously it isn't, all boobs are awesome. I could as easily have said some women with DD cups would like yours. I was pointing out that you have boobs that other people will look at and think "her boobs are awesome" because we're all a bit crazy. I can see how that might be misconstrued though.
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:31 PM on September 20, 2011
..... I mean because we're crazy and we constantly compare ourselves and wish we had what we don't, NOT just that we like your boobs because we're crazy! I'm gonna stop typing now, this hole is getting too deep for my liking
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:32 PM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:32 PM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Lots of good advice here. My addition - don't look at breasts in Playboy, etc., women's mags, online, except the unretouched breasts at sites listed above, or anyplace else where they're made up, retouched, taped into place, etc. What you see in pictures is not what's real. Guys like breasts. Your BF likes your breasts.
posted by theora55 at 2:57 PM on September 20, 2011
posted by theora55 at 2:57 PM on September 20, 2011
I absolutely loathed my body at 18, and now at 21 I feel pretty damn good about it (and it looks pretty much the same). Many of my friends have had similar experiences. I think simply growing older and gaining more life experiences helps you become more comfortable in your skin.
The other thing I can suggest is looking into where your ideals come from. If you spend a lot of time looking at fashion magazines or mainstream porn or Victoria's Secret catalogs or whatever pushes that a single ideal, you start to think that's what the 'normal' female body looks like. Looking at a diversity of images can help change that. Personally, I felt a lot better about myself when I looked at a book of vintage erotica.
posted by vanitas at 8:40 PM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
The other thing I can suggest is looking into where your ideals come from. If you spend a lot of time looking at fashion magazines or mainstream porn or Victoria's Secret catalogs or whatever pushes that a single ideal, you start to think that's what the 'normal' female body looks like. Looking at a diversity of images can help change that. Personally, I felt a lot better about myself when I looked at a book of vintage erotica.
posted by vanitas at 8:40 PM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
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