extreme opposite personalities and ages, one fell in love with other unrequitedly, don't know what to do...
posted by decpmt to human relations (70 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
I'm in my late 20's and have never been in a serious relationship before, and I can count the girls I've slept with on one hand. It's not that I can't get women, it's just that I'm pretty introverted and am getting a Ph.D. in a highly technical and socially boring field which requires a lot of time on my part. Neither was I too interested in relationships for about six years, because while I have had opportunities, I was always too into my work.
four months ago I met a woman in her mid-to-late 30's. We were friends first, then I reluctantly started sleeping with her casually (although not on the first night), when one night I had to stay at her place because I'd gotten dead drunk. In the four months we've known each other, we've gone on vacation together, saw various shows and musicals, realized we have the same taste in music and movies and food, and I stay over at her apartment almost daily and we cook together. All these things make for a loving relationship. However, I don't really like her, and never really have, partly because of her wild and unimaginable sexual past which she revealed to me as a friend, partly because she doesn't know how to dress, nor is classy in any sense of the word, partly because she just isn't my type.
She has told me she's madly in love with me (I give her massages and am generally thoughtful, also, the sex is good and frequent), but I just don't feel anything for her and I never have, and I've always been very forthcoming with my lack of romantic interest in her. Lately this lack of feeling has devolved into contempt and a lack of respect (especially when I remember her wild sexual past, though maybe I'm not justified in this), and I'm just plain unhappy. I notice that unlike with other girls I've dated, I never flirt with her, and the conversation is never very good, and I almost never hold hands with her in public. I just feel and always have felt that she is the exact opposite of who I would want to be with.
She doesn't ask me to stay over every night, but she texts me everyday, and tries to make plans with me (stuff I'd find really fun, if it weren't for the fact that I'd be with her), and the sex is hard to refuse, and I'm going through a phase where I'm not really interested in my work anymore and my social life is pretty non-existent. So it's a lot easier for me to go over to her place than to create my own space. I'm not sure if I'm becoming romantically attached, but certainly I'm becoming emotionally attached, in a negative sense, considering how much I let this situation bother me. Most guys would love having a woman cook with and support you and be willing to sleep with you several times a day, travel with you, all while letting you date other women, but I'm coming to realize this situation is not for me. I hate the silence and the awkwardness that occurs whenever we're not having sex.
We've talked about this, and she's clear she wants me in her life, and that we should be a couple, but she isn't pressuring me. I want to make a clean break of this, but I'm not sure if it will be painful - it could be very painful, or not at all. I've cleanly gotten over girls I've dated who I thought I wouldn't get over, but I've spent the most time with her out of all of them. She obviously can sense that I'm unhappy and uncertain at best, but she still wants me at round, and is convinced she'll never find anyone as amazing as me.
I don't know what to do and this is bothering me quite a bit now. Any general comments would be appreciated. I don't have any real support network, so anything anyone writes would really be appreciated.