How to Be Good to Her Under Difficult Circumstances?
July 23, 2011 5:06 PM Subscribe
My sister is being extremely difficult. Should I go to her wedding?
My sister is behaving very poorly and I am unsure whether I should accept an invitation to her upcoming wedding. I can't even believe I'm asking this question, but I guess so.
My sister and I were very close until about a year and a half ago, when she started treating me badly. Some background: Over our adult lives so far, I have made great efforts to be not just a good sibling, but a good friend to my sister. We visited, we talked on the phone, we laughed, we emailed. This started to change when she began blowing me off awhile back, not returning my calls with regularity, etc. I then travelled cross-country to attend her graduation from a grad program. When I arrived, she spent the bare minimum of time with me, leaving me to sit by myself in my hotel room while she threw a graduation party across town for her friends that I was not invited to. I was upset and felt marginalized, so I tried to address my concerns with her, and they were dismissed. Things spiraled downhill from there, and at the moment we are not speaking much. The theme, to make a long story short, has been that she has behaved in ways that are self-centered on several occasion and is indifferent to the fact that that behavior might make others feel bad. The theme is that her needs and wants have started to come first, and nothing else really registers.
Then, this year, our mother (recently widowed) became ill with a life-threatening illness that is scary and requires chemotherapy. My sister announced her engagement at this time, and initially said that her wedding plans would depend on our mother's health. Despite this initial statement, she is planning to have her wedding in the fall, even though she knows that our mother will still be too weak and immunocompromised to travel and attend. This doesn't seem to matter. (Just to clarify, despite not agreeing on everything, mom and sister have a pretty good relationship, so that isn't the issue.)
Our other sibling, who is still planning on attending, is taking the respectable and noble position that it's important to be there for our sister, regardless of how she behaves. I am inclined to agree with him. Family is deeply important to me, and I don't want to take a dramatic action that I might regret later by not attending. Having said that, however, I am livid. Am I unhappy that she has treated me poorly in the last stretch of time? Has she hurt me by selecting her friends only as part of her wedding party, even though I included her as a bridesmaid in my (recent) wedding despite everything? Yes, but I could set that aside. What makes this so hard for me is that she must know how heartless it is to insist on having her wedding at a time when our mom, who loves her and has lost so much recently, will be too vulnerable and sick to attend. You want to get married right now? Okay, have a civil ceremony and do the big deal thing later, right? No.
I am having trouble getting past this, and having trouble justifying buying a plane ticket and showing up to support someone who is behaving so cruelly--even if she is my sister. The fact that I know for a certainty that she will blow me off and not include me in the traditionally family-inclusive parts of her wedding--and the knowledge that I will be asking for a kick in the emotional teeth by attending--is not helping. Will I regret this later? Should I swallow my own feelings and go anyway so I can support my sister and also our other sibling? She is being awful, but I still see the good person in her, and my sister who I love. My heart is breaking. I need some advice.
My sister is behaving very poorly and I am unsure whether I should accept an invitation to her upcoming wedding. I can't even believe I'm asking this question, but I guess so.
My sister and I were very close until about a year and a half ago, when she started treating me badly. Some background: Over our adult lives so far, I have made great efforts to be not just a good sibling, but a good friend to my sister. We visited, we talked on the phone, we laughed, we emailed. This started to change when she began blowing me off awhile back, not returning my calls with regularity, etc. I then travelled cross-country to attend her graduation from a grad program. When I arrived, she spent the bare minimum of time with me, leaving me to sit by myself in my hotel room while she threw a graduation party across town for her friends that I was not invited to. I was upset and felt marginalized, so I tried to address my concerns with her, and they were dismissed. Things spiraled downhill from there, and at the moment we are not speaking much. The theme, to make a long story short, has been that she has behaved in ways that are self-centered on several occasion and is indifferent to the fact that that behavior might make others feel bad. The theme is that her needs and wants have started to come first, and nothing else really registers.
Then, this year, our mother (recently widowed) became ill with a life-threatening illness that is scary and requires chemotherapy. My sister announced her engagement at this time, and initially said that her wedding plans would depend on our mother's health. Despite this initial statement, she is planning to have her wedding in the fall, even though she knows that our mother will still be too weak and immunocompromised to travel and attend. This doesn't seem to matter. (Just to clarify, despite not agreeing on everything, mom and sister have a pretty good relationship, so that isn't the issue.)
Our other sibling, who is still planning on attending, is taking the respectable and noble position that it's important to be there for our sister, regardless of how she behaves. I am inclined to agree with him. Family is deeply important to me, and I don't want to take a dramatic action that I might regret later by not attending. Having said that, however, I am livid. Am I unhappy that she has treated me poorly in the last stretch of time? Has she hurt me by selecting her friends only as part of her wedding party, even though I included her as a bridesmaid in my (recent) wedding despite everything? Yes, but I could set that aside. What makes this so hard for me is that she must know how heartless it is to insist on having her wedding at a time when our mom, who loves her and has lost so much recently, will be too vulnerable and sick to attend. You want to get married right now? Okay, have a civil ceremony and do the big deal thing later, right? No.
I am having trouble getting past this, and having trouble justifying buying a plane ticket and showing up to support someone who is behaving so cruelly--even if she is my sister. The fact that I know for a certainty that she will blow me off and not include me in the traditionally family-inclusive parts of her wedding--and the knowledge that I will be asking for a kick in the emotional teeth by attending--is not helping. Will I regret this later? Should I swallow my own feelings and go anyway so I can support my sister and also our other sibling? She is being awful, but I still see the good person in her, and my sister who I love. My heart is breaking. I need some advice.
What makes this so hard for me is that she must know how heartless it is to insist on having her wedding at a time when our mom, who loves her and has lost so much recently, will be too vulnerable and sick to attend.
Say this to her. I mean, I wouldn't use the word "heartless," but I'd definitely ask her why she's planning the wedding for the fall, knowing your mother can't attend. Then you can make your decision to go or not go, having full knowledge of what's going on in her head. Right now you're just assuming evil intent.
posted by desjardins at 5:16 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
Say this to her. I mean, I wouldn't use the word "heartless," but I'd definitely ask her why she's planning the wedding for the fall, knowing your mother can't attend. Then you can make your decision to go or not go, having full knowledge of what's going on in her head. Right now you're just assuming evil intent.
posted by desjardins at 5:16 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you don't go, not only won't you be there, you won't be in any of the pictures, either. Thus, every time your sister looks at her wedding album, a fresh (if perhaps minor) hurt to her. Do you want your absence, not only physically but in photos, as a continuing reminder of your perhaps temporary falling out?
posted by paulsc at 5:21 PM on July 23, 2011
posted by paulsc at 5:21 PM on July 23, 2011
I'm sorry your sister is on a ME ME ME tear. It sounds like it's really tearing you up.
One option I can think of is to spend time taking care of your mom during the wedding. Caregiving gives you a reasonable excuse for not being there, and gives your mom some company during a tough time. Ask your mom what she would prefer. You can say "Mom, it's really disappointing that she didn't choose a time when you can be there, and I'm inclined to stay with you during that time, instead. What would you prefer?" no need to explain the personal strife. It's at least a little bit conceveivable that your mom and sis have talked it out and your mom gave her blessing on the timing?
And if you do go to the wedding, think of it as the wedding of a work associate. Smile and nod and then spend your time getting to know new and interesting people. You don't want to sit and stew, and although it's her wedding, she doesn't have to be the center of your attention. Wish her well, pay attention to her when she stops by your table. But don't extend yourself to the point that you feel revictimized and simultaneously silenced by wedding etiquette. Also, you can be the last to arrive and first to leave. Book yourself a nice spa treatment, if you can afford it, for directly after the weddin (next day, whatever...).
posted by vitabellosi at 5:27 PM on July 23, 2011 [11 favorites]
One option I can think of is to spend time taking care of your mom during the wedding. Caregiving gives you a reasonable excuse for not being there, and gives your mom some company during a tough time. Ask your mom what she would prefer. You can say "Mom, it's really disappointing that she didn't choose a time when you can be there, and I'm inclined to stay with you during that time, instead. What would you prefer?" no need to explain the personal strife. It's at least a little bit conceveivable that your mom and sis have talked it out and your mom gave her blessing on the timing?
And if you do go to the wedding, think of it as the wedding of a work associate. Smile and nod and then spend your time getting to know new and interesting people. You don't want to sit and stew, and although it's her wedding, she doesn't have to be the center of your attention. Wish her well, pay attention to her when she stops by your table. But don't extend yourself to the point that you feel revictimized and simultaneously silenced by wedding etiquette. Also, you can be the last to arrive and first to leave. Book yourself a nice spa treatment, if you can afford it, for directly after the weddin (next day, whatever...).
posted by vitabellosi at 5:27 PM on July 23, 2011 [11 favorites]
Go. Years from now when you've fixed whatever needs fixing you will be grateful that you took the high road and didn't let some relatively small issues stop you from attending your sister's wedding. Heck, don't just go but try to have a good time because it will be important to your sister. People never forget their weddings, particularly the drama surrounding them, never.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 5:28 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Foci for Analysis at 5:28 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
What makes this so hard for me is that she must know how heartless it is to insist on having her wedding at a time when our mom, who loves her and has lost so much recently, will be too vulnerable and sick to attend.
Maybe she *doesn't* realize how hard this will hit your Mom emotionally, or how hard it has hit you emotionally not to be included in the wedding party.
People are different. You included her in your wedding because it was important to you, and assumed she would do the same. Perhaps she did not include you in hers because she doesn't think it is that big of a deal?
And maybe Mom told your sister not to hold up the wedding on her account. Did you talk to Mom?
I think you are letting your old grudge (the graduation exclusion) color your thinking this time out. She behaved dreadfully there (unless she was not expecting you to travel cross-country to attend, I cannot understand why your sister would actually exclude you from the celebration entirely!).
Talk to your sister about all this and be specific. Not, 'hey, I think you're being selfish', but, "Why are you moving forward with the wedding NOW, when Mom is so sick? And why are you not including me in the wedding party?"
posted by misha at 5:29 PM on July 23, 2011 [10 favorites]
Maybe she *doesn't* realize how hard this will hit your Mom emotionally, or how hard it has hit you emotionally not to be included in the wedding party.
People are different. You included her in your wedding because it was important to you, and assumed she would do the same. Perhaps she did not include you in hers because she doesn't think it is that big of a deal?
And maybe Mom told your sister not to hold up the wedding on her account. Did you talk to Mom?
I think you are letting your old grudge (the graduation exclusion) color your thinking this time out. She behaved dreadfully there (unless she was not expecting you to travel cross-country to attend, I cannot understand why your sister would actually exclude you from the celebration entirely!).
Talk to your sister about all this and be specific. Not, 'hey, I think you're being selfish', but, "Why are you moving forward with the wedding NOW, when Mom is so sick? And why are you not including me in the wedding party?"
posted by misha at 5:29 PM on July 23, 2011 [10 favorites]
The issue with your mom is really between she and your sister. Maybe your sister will regret this someday, maybe not. But taking up this cause on anyone's behalf is a mistake. Not going won't make your mother feel any better, and it won't stop your sister from having the wedding.
I still see the good person in her, and my sister who I love.
You should go to the wedding. It is literally the very least you can do to show your sister that the above is true, and I guarantee you it will count in the long run.
Also, about not being included in the wedding party: try to think of it as "THANK GOD I am not in the wedding party with all this going on, because it would devolve into an even nastier mess way faster if I had to be kissing her ass right now."
posted by hermitosis at 5:30 PM on July 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
I still see the good person in her, and my sister who I love.
You should go to the wedding. It is literally the very least you can do to show your sister that the above is true, and I guarantee you it will count in the long run.
Also, about not being included in the wedding party: try to think of it as "THANK GOD I am not in the wedding party with all this going on, because it would devolve into an even nastier mess way faster if I had to be kissing her ass right now."
posted by hermitosis at 5:30 PM on July 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
I think that you need to separate out your anger at how your relationship with your sister is going with the fact that she is getting married and then separate from not including you as a bridesmaid.
Further, you're making a lot of assumptions about what your sister is thinking without evidence for them.
Just to play devil's advocate, let's walk through this all from your sister's (hypothetical) perspective.
My sister and I were very close until about a year and a half ago, when she started treating me badly. Some background: Over our adult lives so far, I have made great efforts to be not just a good sibling, but a good friend to my sister. We visited, we talked on the phone, we laughed, we emailed. This started to change when she began blowing me off awhile back, not returning my calls with regularity, etc.
At the time: I'm so glad that I have my sister in my life during this hard period when our father passed away and our mom is sick. I am super busy with my grad program and my new boyfriend, but I know that my sister will always be there for me.
I then travelled cross-country to attend her graduation from a grad program. When I arrived, she spent the bare minimum of time with me, leaving me to sit by myself in my hotel room while she threw a graduation party across town for her friends that I was not invited to.
At the time: I'm never going to see my grad school friends again. We're throwing a party to celebrate our last time together. If I bring my sister, I'm going to have to spend the whole night introducing her to all my friends and it'll be hard for me to really enjoy my last night out with all these people that I've grown close to. Plus my sister is really different from these folks and probably wouldn't enjoy doing the sort of things that we do.
I was upset and felt marginalized, so I tried to address my concerns with her, and they were dismissed.
At the time: My sister told me that she was mad that I didn't invite her to the party, but she didn't understand that this was my last night with all my grad school pals.
Things spiraled downhill from there,
Now: For some unknown reason, my sister hasn't been talking to me lately. I have no idea why or what caused it.
and at the moment we are not speaking much.
Now: I've started a new busy job and have been getting closer with my boyfriend. I'm really busy and haven't been able to call my sister as often.
The theme, to make a long story short, has been that she has behaved in ways that are self-centered on several occasion and is indifferent to the fact that that behavior might make others feel bad. The theme is that her needs and wants have started to come first, and nothing else really registers.
Now: I'm 25 and trying to figure things out in the world. It is a hard period for me. I really need to figure out what I'm going to do with my life, especially now that it is getting serious with Dave.
Then, this year, our mother (recently widowed) became ill with a life-threatening illness that is scary and requires chemotherapy. My sister announced her engagement at this time, and initially said that her wedding plans would depend on our mother's health.
Now: Dave and I decided to get married last spring, but we weren't planning on telling anyone for awhile. But then my mom got really sick and I was really emotionally and told everyone that we got engaged. I didn't want our engagement to overshadow mom's health, so I said that we would figure it out around mom's health stuff.
Despite this initial statement, she is planning to have her wedding in the fall, even though she knows that our mother will still be too weak and immunocompromised to travel and attend. This doesn't seem to matter.
Now: But then I realized that mom is probably going to be sick for years and waiting to get married until some unknown date is really tough. Plus we're really concerned about Dave's health insurance coverage and we want to have kids earlier rather than later. Maybe our wedding planning may even distract/cheer mom up!?! I hold out great hopes that mom will be well enough to attend. I'm not really as clued into mom's day-to-day health status as my sister is though.
Has she hurt me by selecting her friends only as part of her wedding party, even though I included her as a bridesmaid in my (recent) wedding despite everything? Yes, but I could set that aside.
I think that my sister is really pissed at me right now. Because of this and her passive aggressive stance toward me and Dave getting married, I am nervous about her being a part of my wedding and being Debby Downer at every step.
---
All-in-all I think that you need to stop making assumptions about what your sister knows/thinks/believes/does and TALK TO HER. (Same with your mom.)
And decide if you're making decisions for the short-term or long-term relationship with your sister.
Something like: "Hey sis. I know that you and Dave are really excited about the wedding, but I wanted to talk to you about how I can be more involved. Anything that you need or want, please let me know. I have to be honest with you that I'm a little hurt about not being asked to be in your wedding party." Don't bring up mom until you get this resolved.
Later on... "Sis, I don't know if you thought about this, so please fill me in, but I asked mom (DON'T ASSUME WHAT MOM THINKS!) and she is really sad about not being able to be at the wedding. Do you have any ideas about how we can include her more?"
posted by k8t at 5:31 PM on July 23, 2011 [33 favorites]
Further, you're making a lot of assumptions about what your sister is thinking without evidence for them.
Just to play devil's advocate, let's walk through this all from your sister's (hypothetical) perspective.
My sister and I were very close until about a year and a half ago, when she started treating me badly. Some background: Over our adult lives so far, I have made great efforts to be not just a good sibling, but a good friend to my sister. We visited, we talked on the phone, we laughed, we emailed. This started to change when she began blowing me off awhile back, not returning my calls with regularity, etc.
At the time: I'm so glad that I have my sister in my life during this hard period when our father passed away and our mom is sick. I am super busy with my grad program and my new boyfriend, but I know that my sister will always be there for me.
I then travelled cross-country to attend her graduation from a grad program. When I arrived, she spent the bare minimum of time with me, leaving me to sit by myself in my hotel room while she threw a graduation party across town for her friends that I was not invited to.
At the time: I'm never going to see my grad school friends again. We're throwing a party to celebrate our last time together. If I bring my sister, I'm going to have to spend the whole night introducing her to all my friends and it'll be hard for me to really enjoy my last night out with all these people that I've grown close to. Plus my sister is really different from these folks and probably wouldn't enjoy doing the sort of things that we do.
I was upset and felt marginalized, so I tried to address my concerns with her, and they were dismissed.
At the time: My sister told me that she was mad that I didn't invite her to the party, but she didn't understand that this was my last night with all my grad school pals.
Things spiraled downhill from there,
Now: For some unknown reason, my sister hasn't been talking to me lately. I have no idea why or what caused it.
and at the moment we are not speaking much.
Now: I've started a new busy job and have been getting closer with my boyfriend. I'm really busy and haven't been able to call my sister as often.
The theme, to make a long story short, has been that she has behaved in ways that are self-centered on several occasion and is indifferent to the fact that that behavior might make others feel bad. The theme is that her needs and wants have started to come first, and nothing else really registers.
Now: I'm 25 and trying to figure things out in the world. It is a hard period for me. I really need to figure out what I'm going to do with my life, especially now that it is getting serious with Dave.
Then, this year, our mother (recently widowed) became ill with a life-threatening illness that is scary and requires chemotherapy. My sister announced her engagement at this time, and initially said that her wedding plans would depend on our mother's health.
Now: Dave and I decided to get married last spring, but we weren't planning on telling anyone for awhile. But then my mom got really sick and I was really emotionally and told everyone that we got engaged. I didn't want our engagement to overshadow mom's health, so I said that we would figure it out around mom's health stuff.
Despite this initial statement, she is planning to have her wedding in the fall, even though she knows that our mother will still be too weak and immunocompromised to travel and attend. This doesn't seem to matter.
Now: But then I realized that mom is probably going to be sick for years and waiting to get married until some unknown date is really tough. Plus we're really concerned about Dave's health insurance coverage and we want to have kids earlier rather than later. Maybe our wedding planning may even distract/cheer mom up!?! I hold out great hopes that mom will be well enough to attend. I'm not really as clued into mom's day-to-day health status as my sister is though.
Has she hurt me by selecting her friends only as part of her wedding party, even though I included her as a bridesmaid in my (recent) wedding despite everything? Yes, but I could set that aside.
I think that my sister is really pissed at me right now. Because of this and her passive aggressive stance toward me and Dave getting married, I am nervous about her being a part of my wedding and being Debby Downer at every step.
---
All-in-all I think that you need to stop making assumptions about what your sister knows/thinks/believes/does and TALK TO HER. (Same with your mom.)
And decide if you're making decisions for the short-term or long-term relationship with your sister.
Something like: "Hey sis. I know that you and Dave are really excited about the wedding, but I wanted to talk to you about how I can be more involved. Anything that you need or want, please let me know. I have to be honest with you that I'm a little hurt about not being asked to be in your wedding party." Don't bring up mom until you get this resolved.
Later on... "Sis, I don't know if you thought about this, so please fill me in, but I asked mom (DON'T ASSUME WHAT MOM THINKS!) and she is really sad about not being able to be at the wedding. Do you have any ideas about how we can include her more?"
posted by k8t at 5:31 PM on July 23, 2011 [33 favorites]
Oh, and one other thing: you say nothing at all about your sister's fiance' in all this. Do the two of you get along? Could he be influencing her? It's his wedding, too. Do they get along with your new husband? Just something else to consider.
posted by misha at 5:32 PM on July 23, 2011
posted by misha at 5:32 PM on July 23, 2011
Yes, but I could set that aside.
Hmm, doesn't really sound to me like you are/can put that aside. Nothing wrong with that here. If you don't want to go, don't go, but do so in the knowledge that this is more than a shot across the bows, so to speak, it's a declaration of war. Do you want to talk to your sister at all in the coming years/decades? Cause if you do - and with your mum's health issues etc - it sounds like you might - then not showing up is not the course of action to take.
If you don't show up, I wouldn't expect to talk to your sister, see her kids if and when she has any, interact very much at all, perhaps ever again - certainly without massive effort on your part. This is going to be very emotionally draining not just for you, but your other sibling, and your mother as well, because your rift with her will be something they have to take into account with everything that they do, and they may end up in the role of intermediaries for the two of you - which sucks. Also, there will come a time sooner or later where they will have no choice but to do something which one of you will construe as "taking sides". This action could result in drifting away from your other relatives too.
I totally understand how your sister's assholish behaviour has hurt you, but from your question, it sounds like you want to not attend in order to punish her, and I don't feel that's the right reason. If you're angry etc cause she hurt you, have it out with her about that, but by taking your grievances over into other familial institutions - especially in such a dramatic way - your basically declaring it open season, and the whole family will suffer for it.
My advice would be go to the wedding, and do it in such a way to protect yourself emotionally the whole time. This might mean modifying how exactly you go and what you do, and that's fine. Good luck.
posted by smoke at 5:34 PM on July 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Hmm, doesn't really sound to me like you are/can put that aside. Nothing wrong with that here. If you don't want to go, don't go, but do so in the knowledge that this is more than a shot across the bows, so to speak, it's a declaration of war. Do you want to talk to your sister at all in the coming years/decades? Cause if you do - and with your mum's health issues etc - it sounds like you might - then not showing up is not the course of action to take.
If you don't show up, I wouldn't expect to talk to your sister, see her kids if and when she has any, interact very much at all, perhaps ever again - certainly without massive effort on your part. This is going to be very emotionally draining not just for you, but your other sibling, and your mother as well, because your rift with her will be something they have to take into account with everything that they do, and they may end up in the role of intermediaries for the two of you - which sucks. Also, there will come a time sooner or later where they will have no choice but to do something which one of you will construe as "taking sides". This action could result in drifting away from your other relatives too.
I totally understand how your sister's assholish behaviour has hurt you, but from your question, it sounds like you want to not attend in order to punish her, and I don't feel that's the right reason. If you're angry etc cause she hurt you, have it out with her about that, but by taking your grievances over into other familial institutions - especially in such a dramatic way - your basically declaring it open season, and the whole family will suffer for it.
My advice would be go to the wedding, and do it in such a way to protect yourself emotionally the whole time. This might mean modifying how exactly you go and what you do, and that's fine. Good luck.
posted by smoke at 5:34 PM on July 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Is it possible some misunderstanding you are unaware of caused the falling out a year and a half ago? Maybe try to find that out and decide from there. If there was nothing in particular, and she just turned into a complete shit, I don't see why you should feel compelled to go. (On preview, misha is more generous in her reading of events and makes some good points)
To me, the fact she left you out of her wedding party after so recently being in yours, in addition to leaving out your mother, seems a clear message about the importance of family in her life. I personally would not attend, but if you did have a close relationship in the past, and your mother wants you to go, there's a good chance you will regret not going.
I am very sorry you are being treated so badly as you sound like you've made every effort to be a good sister. I hope you've made your own family with friends who really care about you.
posted by Glinn at 5:34 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
To me, the fact she left you out of her wedding party after so recently being in yours, in addition to leaving out your mother, seems a clear message about the importance of family in her life. I personally would not attend, but if you did have a close relationship in the past, and your mother wants you to go, there's a good chance you will regret not going.
I am very sorry you are being treated so badly as you sound like you've made every effort to be a good sister. I hope you've made your own family with friends who really care about you.
posted by Glinn at 5:34 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
I had a lot of the same thoughts as what k8t said. It's obvious that she isn't making sacrifices for Family Togetherness the same way you have been, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you and your mother.
For instance, "have a civil ceremony and do the big deal thing later, right?" Is not an option that everyone would consider acceptable - a lot of people would feel like they were lying to or cheating their guests by having a party totally disengaged from the actual wedding ceremony. And if they postponed the wedding and (god forbid) your mother passed away, it would not just mean that she hadn't been able to attend the wedding; it would mean that she hadn't lived to see her daughter married. I think you have to treat it like she's making the choices she thinks is best.
And I agree with everyone else who's saying that you should go to the wedding. Not attending your sister's wedding is an extremely harsh action - and it sounds like she not only attended, but stood by you as a bridesmaid in your wedding. You think of that as something you did for her (allowed her to be a bridesmaid) but it might help if you think of it as something you asked her to do instead.
And if you'd have attended if you were in the wedding party, then... that's even MORE commitment and involvement than attending as a guest, so the only real reason to not attend is because you feel snubbed. Which is just the best way of making that snub permanent and writing it into your future relationship forever - every time she thinks about her wedding, every time she thinks about your mother's illness, etc.
posted by Lady Li at 5:39 PM on July 23, 2011 [6 favorites]
For instance, "have a civil ceremony and do the big deal thing later, right?" Is not an option that everyone would consider acceptable - a lot of people would feel like they were lying to or cheating their guests by having a party totally disengaged from the actual wedding ceremony. And if they postponed the wedding and (god forbid) your mother passed away, it would not just mean that she hadn't been able to attend the wedding; it would mean that she hadn't lived to see her daughter married. I think you have to treat it like she's making the choices she thinks is best.
And I agree with everyone else who's saying that you should go to the wedding. Not attending your sister's wedding is an extremely harsh action - and it sounds like she not only attended, but stood by you as a bridesmaid in your wedding. You think of that as something you did for her (allowed her to be a bridesmaid) but it might help if you think of it as something you asked her to do instead.
And if you'd have attended if you were in the wedding party, then... that's even MORE commitment and involvement than attending as a guest, so the only real reason to not attend is because you feel snubbed. Which is just the best way of making that snub permanent and writing it into your future relationship forever - every time she thinks about her wedding, every time she thinks about your mother's illness, etc.
posted by Lady Li at 5:39 PM on July 23, 2011 [6 favorites]
Go, as not going will really hinder having a better relationship with her again in the future.
posted by questionsandanchors at 5:41 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by questionsandanchors at 5:41 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
I would attend -- I always try to make the last noble gesture. But I would also communicate immediately after the wedding, saying "I didn't want to bring this up during the period of the wedding, as I knew you would be overwhelmed and couldn't properly address it. But I have concerns, and they are very important, and now that thing I settled I want to bring them up." Then sit down for a very hard talk to talk.
Not attending the wedding will make this discussion much harder. It's the decision to make if you wish to severy your relationship with your sister. Otherwise, it will make the rift that much harder to mend.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 5:44 PM on July 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
Not attending the wedding will make this discussion much harder. It's the decision to make if you wish to severy your relationship with your sister. Otherwise, it will make the rift that much harder to mend.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 5:44 PM on July 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
I agree with the others who are telling you to attend. Your sister may be acting immature and may be being influenced by her fiance's pressures about the wedding and such. She may be in a selfish and immature stage in life. She may be wrapped up in the "My wedding must be better than all my friends" phase. This may pass. Especially since your mom can't go, I'd go to be the family member at an important event in her life. You can always leave early if things are going seriously downhill. And yes...find a way to enjoy the trip for yourself, whether that's a spa treatment or just some quiet time in the hotel hot tub (or whatever). Don't let the weekend be just about her in your mind...make it about you too. Maybe shop for a really neat souvenir for your mom since she can't attend.
However, I'd have a talk with your other sibling and have him/her go to bat for you about being included in all the family stuff (rehearsal dinner, etc) related to the wedding. If you and sister can't have that discussion beforehand, that sibling should call her up and say "You're being stupid and immature...you NEVER leave family out of wedding stuff. You don't want everyone thinking you're Bridezilla." She just might need a good talking to from someone to set her head straight. Then, after the wedding and she settles into marriage a bit you and her need to have a long talk about all of this.
posted by MultiFaceted at 6:01 PM on July 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
However, I'd have a talk with your other sibling and have him/her go to bat for you about being included in all the family stuff (rehearsal dinner, etc) related to the wedding. If you and sister can't have that discussion beforehand, that sibling should call her up and say "You're being stupid and immature...you NEVER leave family out of wedding stuff. You don't want everyone thinking you're Bridezilla." She just might need a good talking to from someone to set her head straight. Then, after the wedding and she settles into marriage a bit you and her need to have a long talk about all of this.
posted by MultiFaceted at 6:01 PM on July 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
Go. Lots of things about family relationships have do-overs. Skipping someone's wedding out of anger (as opposed to illness or poverty) = no do-overs.
posted by Knowyournuts at 6:01 PM on July 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Knowyournuts at 6:01 PM on July 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
I don't believe that you going or not going will dictate the future outcome of your relationship one way or the other.
I've been involved in weddings where various family members (including parents and siblings but also extended family members) didn't attend for an assortment of reasons (although to be honest, a lot of them essentially boiled down to people note liking the intended spouse).
Afterwards, people maintained essentially the same type of relationship as they had previously. In some cases it took a bit of time, but in the end, everything went back to normal -- i.e. siblings being siblings and parents speaking to their children again.
I've also been involved in weddings where people have bent over backwards to be helpful and accommodating to the parties getting married -- even when said parties didn't really deserve any special consideration based on past behaviour. In those cases, the people attending (who often made sacrifices to be there and participate) were never really acknowledged, and the relationships never evolved beyond the needy wedding party (now a needy couple) still being selfish, needy and demanding, or suddenly deciding that the attendees weren't really important enough to include in their married life, now that the wedding was over, the show was finished and the gifts were collected.
If you don't want to go, don't let anybody, pressure you into it -- including your sister.
posted by sardonyx at 6:07 PM on July 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
I've been involved in weddings where various family members (including parents and siblings but also extended family members) didn't attend for an assortment of reasons (although to be honest, a lot of them essentially boiled down to people note liking the intended spouse).
Afterwards, people maintained essentially the same type of relationship as they had previously. In some cases it took a bit of time, but in the end, everything went back to normal -- i.e. siblings being siblings and parents speaking to their children again.
I've also been involved in weddings where people have bent over backwards to be helpful and accommodating to the parties getting married -- even when said parties didn't really deserve any special consideration based on past behaviour. In those cases, the people attending (who often made sacrifices to be there and participate) were never really acknowledged, and the relationships never evolved beyond the needy wedding party (now a needy couple) still being selfish, needy and demanding, or suddenly deciding that the attendees weren't really important enough to include in their married life, now that the wedding was over, the show was finished and the gifts were collected.
If you don't want to go, don't let anybody, pressure you into it -- including your sister.
posted by sardonyx at 6:07 PM on July 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
Whom is your sister behaving cruelly towards? Your mother? But, your mom and your sister have a good relationship despite the wedding decision, and you told us to put that aside, so put it aside.
Look, you think your sister is a brat. There's no other way to put it. Maybe she is, and maybe she isn't -- as k8t pointed out, there's room for interpretation. But what it comes down to is, you think she's acting bratty.
This is her wedding. Do you want to repair your relationship with her in the future? Failing to attend is not going to help with that. If you want to hurt her, to hell with your relationship or how that impacts your family, then by all means, don't go. Otherwise, really, you're going to skip your sister's wedding because you think she's being a brat lately? Come on!
On another note: She's your sister, not your friend. Maybe she just wants to be siblings. I don't know. I love my siblings, and we enjoy our time together when it happens, but it's a different kind of relationship than we share with our close friends or significant others. It's not that siblings come last, but they're situated differently. Sure, if she were just a friend, maybe her not spending enough time on you would be DTMFA territory (or, more likely, "you're growing apart as friends, deal with it or don't" territory), but she's your sister and this is supposed to be a long-haul relationship.
Anyhow, go. Go because it's the right thing to do. Go because you'll regret it if you don't. At some point you need to address your relationship with her, but wedding attendance shouldn't be contingent on that.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:07 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
Look, you think your sister is a brat. There's no other way to put it. Maybe she is, and maybe she isn't -- as k8t pointed out, there's room for interpretation. But what it comes down to is, you think she's acting bratty.
This is her wedding. Do you want to repair your relationship with her in the future? Failing to attend is not going to help with that. If you want to hurt her, to hell with your relationship or how that impacts your family, then by all means, don't go. Otherwise, really, you're going to skip your sister's wedding because you think she's being a brat lately? Come on!
On another note: She's your sister, not your friend. Maybe she just wants to be siblings. I don't know. I love my siblings, and we enjoy our time together when it happens, but it's a different kind of relationship than we share with our close friends or significant others. It's not that siblings come last, but they're situated differently. Sure, if she were just a friend, maybe her not spending enough time on you would be DTMFA territory (or, more likely, "you're growing apart as friends, deal with it or don't" territory), but she's your sister and this is supposed to be a long-haul relationship.
Anyhow, go. Go because it's the right thing to do. Go because you'll regret it if you don't. At some point you need to address your relationship with her, but wedding attendance shouldn't be contingent on that.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:07 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
I am sorry your sister placed you in this awkward position. During these times it is important to think about your decisions and how it would be viewed by the family in the future. Despite how things are now it is possible being the bigger person will help your family heal should your mother pass away.
Mr. BuffaloChickenWing was also not asked to be a groomsman in his brother's wedding despite the fact my brother-in-law was our organist for our wedding. My sister-in-law was asked to be a bridesmaid.
We took this route - we sat in the very back of the church, and we did not get them a gift. Mr. BuffaloChickenWing cooked the meat for the barbecue/picnic rehearsal dinner. My self-absorbed brother-in-law didn't even notice he was snubbed. I suspect it would be the same for your sister. Go to the wedding, sit in the back, offer no help...just be a guest.
posted by BuffaloChickenWing at 6:23 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
Mr. BuffaloChickenWing was also not asked to be a groomsman in his brother's wedding despite the fact my brother-in-law was our organist for our wedding. My sister-in-law was asked to be a bridesmaid.
We took this route - we sat in the very back of the church, and we did not get them a gift. Mr. BuffaloChickenWing cooked the meat for the barbecue/picnic rehearsal dinner. My self-absorbed brother-in-law didn't even notice he was snubbed. I suspect it would be the same for your sister. Go to the wedding, sit in the back, offer no help...just be a guest.
posted by BuffaloChickenWing at 6:23 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
1)
Isn't it possible that "[scheduling] wedding plans [around] our mother's health" means scheduling it while she's still alive, so that your mother can celebrate its having happened even if she can't be there in person?
2)
Look, I don't know you and don't claim to, but the impression I get from this brief question you've written, is that you periodically find yourself entangled in drama. Various passages in your question just resonate so well with the characteristics of drama-magnets I know:
Sense of entitlement to others' attention:
she began. . . not returning my calls with regularity. . .
she spent the bare minimum of time with me. . .
she hurt me by selecting her friends only as part of her wedding party. . .
Mysterious but exciting circumstances:
Things spiraled downhill from there. . .
at the moment we are not speaking much. . .
Intense emotions and assessments of situations:
I am livid. . .
behaving so cruelly. . .
I will be asking for a kick in the emotional teeth by attending. . .
She is being awful, but I still see the good person in her, and my sister who I love. My heart is breaking. . .
Everyone else seems to get along with one another just fine:
mom and sister have a pretty good relationship, so that isn't the issue. . .
Our other sibling, who is still planning on attending, is taking the respectable and noble position that it's important to be there for our sister. . .
Your siblings seem to have adopted toward you the attitude "indulge his drama more or less, but there's no need to follow him into it":
Our other sibling, who is still planning on attending, is taking the respectable and noble position that it's important to be there for our sister. . .
I tried to address my concerns with her, and they were dismissed. . .
'I'm not offended on my own behalf, mind you, but on behalf of others:'
she has treated me poorly. . .
how heartless it is to insist on having her wedding at a time when our mom, who loves her and has lost so much recently. . .
So again, I can't claim to know you, and maybe my reading is entirely wrong, in which case I apologize. But I think k8t's exercise of pretending that the other party asked this question is a wise one. The question you've written is compatible with a story wherein the whole family get along cheerfully, but have learned not to take seriously the occasional drama storms emanating from anonymous.
Of course, you could prove my interpretation wrong by dropping your weird, what-do-you-hope-to-accomplish, passive-aggressive plan to punish your sister -- for some inchoate sleight(/s) that you haven't even brought her attention to -- by blowing off her wedding.
posted by foursentences at 6:26 PM on July 23, 2011 [21 favorites]
Isn't it possible that "[scheduling] wedding plans [around] our mother's health" means scheduling it while she's still alive, so that your mother can celebrate its having happened even if she can't be there in person?
2)
Look, I don't know you and don't claim to, but the impression I get from this brief question you've written, is that you periodically find yourself entangled in drama. Various passages in your question just resonate so well with the characteristics of drama-magnets I know:
Sense of entitlement to others' attention:
she began. . . not returning my calls with regularity. . .
she spent the bare minimum of time with me. . .
she hurt me by selecting her friends only as part of her wedding party. . .
Mysterious but exciting circumstances:
Things spiraled downhill from there. . .
at the moment we are not speaking much. . .
Intense emotions and assessments of situations:
I am livid. . .
behaving so cruelly. . .
I will be asking for a kick in the emotional teeth by attending. . .
She is being awful, but I still see the good person in her, and my sister who I love. My heart is breaking. . .
Everyone else seems to get along with one another just fine:
mom and sister have a pretty good relationship, so that isn't the issue. . .
Our other sibling, who is still planning on attending, is taking the respectable and noble position that it's important to be there for our sister. . .
Your siblings seem to have adopted toward you the attitude "indulge his drama more or less, but there's no need to follow him into it":
Our other sibling, who is still planning on attending, is taking the respectable and noble position that it's important to be there for our sister. . .
I tried to address my concerns with her, and they were dismissed. . .
'I'm not offended on my own behalf, mind you, but on behalf of others:'
she has treated me poorly. . .
how heartless it is to insist on having her wedding at a time when our mom, who loves her and has lost so much recently. . .
So again, I can't claim to know you, and maybe my reading is entirely wrong, in which case I apologize. But I think k8t's exercise of pretending that the other party asked this question is a wise one. The question you've written is compatible with a story wherein the whole family get along cheerfully, but have learned not to take seriously the occasional drama storms emanating from anonymous.
Of course, you could prove my interpretation wrong by dropping your weird, what-do-you-hope-to-accomplish, passive-aggressive plan to punish your sister -- for some inchoate sleight(/s) that you haven't even brought her attention to -- by blowing off her wedding.
posted by foursentences at 6:26 PM on July 23, 2011 [21 favorites]
As someone who's been brought to tears by blood relations once or forty-eleven twice, I say go if you can. You can decide whether or not you want to pursue the relationship afterwards, and you'll have taken the high road.
posted by cyndigo at 6:33 PM on July 23, 2011
posted by cyndigo at 6:33 PM on July 23, 2011
Any idea if there's someone in the fiance's family who is aged or in poor health who would not make it to a wedding farther in the future? Wedding plans happen between a couple, and in addition to the excellent points made upthread, having the wedding soon may not be her ideal.
Everyone does the best with what they've got. Including you. Go if you can do so without making a scene or pointedly "taking the high road". Make the long-distance excuse of not being able to afford travel expenses, or time off work, or what-have-you, if you can't.
posted by tchemgrrl at 6:37 PM on July 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Everyone does the best with what they've got. Including you. Go if you can do so without making a scene or pointedly "taking the high road". Make the long-distance excuse of not being able to afford travel expenses, or time off work, or what-have-you, if you can't.
posted by tchemgrrl at 6:37 PM on July 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think you should be with your mom, wherever she is. If she can make it to the wedding, then go to the wedding as your mom's "date." If your mom can't be at the wedding, go visit your mom instead of going to the wedding. You can just tell your sister that you don't want your mom to feel left out, so you'll be spending time with her wherever she is at.
posted by katypickle at 6:42 PM on July 23, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by katypickle at 6:42 PM on July 23, 2011 [6 favorites]
You're being kind of a drama queen about this & you're protesting too much that your feelings aren't hurt over her behavior but what the heck, I'll play along.
Don't go.
If her wedding is THAT important in the scheme of things, it should be equally important to the bride that her LIVING mother attends the event. From the sound of it, she probably won't notice if you aren't there so why bother?
I've been to weddings and other family events where someone obviously has their nose out of joint about something someone else has done. If you can attend this wedding without fuming over the past 1.5 years and just be happy for her, then go.
(but hey, my family has fist fights at funerals and bets on divorces while at weddings so what do I know?)
posted by jaimystery at 6:43 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
Don't go.
If her wedding is THAT important in the scheme of things, it should be equally important to the bride that her LIVING mother attends the event. From the sound of it, she probably won't notice if you aren't there so why bother?
I've been to weddings and other family events where someone obviously has their nose out of joint about something someone else has done. If you can attend this wedding without fuming over the past 1.5 years and just be happy for her, then go.
(but hey, my family has fist fights at funerals and bets on divorces while at weddings so what do I know?)
posted by jaimystery at 6:43 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
Just wanted to add support to the idea that, if a close relative of mine were dying and I was planning to get married soon, I'd push up the date of the wedding so that it would happen while that relative was still alive, even if that relative couldn't make it.
Especially when it comes to my mom, I know how much she'd want to know that I was beginning that next chapter of my life while she was still around. I cannot imagine waiting until she was gone to sign the paper OR to have the celebration. Whether it's before or after she passes, your mom just won't be in attendance, so I'm sure your sister at least wants to be able to show her pictures/video while she is still around.
posted by lesli212 at 6:47 PM on July 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
Especially when it comes to my mom, I know how much she'd want to know that I was beginning that next chapter of my life while she was still around. I cannot imagine waiting until she was gone to sign the paper OR to have the celebration. Whether it's before or after she passes, your mom just won't be in attendance, so I'm sure your sister at least wants to be able to show her pictures/video while she is still around.
posted by lesli212 at 6:47 PM on July 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
There are good reasons why your sister might not want to hold off the wedding: maybe she might want to start a family while your mom is still around; maybe she desperately needs healthy insurance. If this is really about your mom, then ask your sister if you two can plan a celebration with your mother before or after the wedding so she doesn't have to travel, even if it's taking everyone out to a nice restaurant.
But I suspect it's not. I suspect this is really you, being upset you weren't asked to be a bridesmaid. And that's the kind of thing you really need to talk to your sister about instead of letting it fester into a pustule of resentment.
It's also pretty babyish, and I agree with foursentences that you might be the high maintenance one here, not your sister.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:53 PM on July 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
But I suspect it's not. I suspect this is really you, being upset you weren't asked to be a bridesmaid. And that's the kind of thing you really need to talk to your sister about instead of letting it fester into a pustule of resentment.
It's also pretty babyish, and I agree with foursentences that you might be the high maintenance one here, not your sister.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:53 PM on July 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you don't go to your sister's wedding, you will regret it. Maybe not immediately, but you will.
posted by squorch at 7:02 PM on July 23, 2011
posted by squorch at 7:02 PM on July 23, 2011
foursentences, that seems unfair. She mentioned that her sister didn't invite her to her graduation party - why? And she mentioned that she HAS brought up her concerns with her sister and they were blown off so 'weren't even brought to attention to' doesn't strike me as accurate.
posted by namesarehard at 7:04 PM on July 23, 2011
posted by namesarehard at 7:04 PM on July 23, 2011
Go ahead and attend the wedding: fly in the evening before, fly out the morning after.
posted by easily confused at 7:08 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by easily confused at 7:08 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
You should do what you feel is right and that should be independent of any external noise.
posted by mleigh at 7:11 PM on July 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by mleigh at 7:11 PM on July 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
As a side note, I'm sure that it smarts, but it seems like a real silver lining that she didn't ask you to be a bridesmaid. If you can barely muster up the will to attend, just imagine how tense and, honestly, awful it would be to try to do all of those bridesmaid-y activities with her.
posted by mauvest at 7:12 PM on July 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by mauvest at 7:12 PM on July 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
I agree with Katiepickle's advice...spend the time with your mom, either at or not at the wedding.
I don't get why people say "you must support your sister." Can't she stand upright?
posted by BostonTerrier at 7:14 PM on July 23, 2011
I don't get why people say "you must support your sister." Can't she stand upright?
posted by BostonTerrier at 7:14 PM on July 23, 2011
I suggest this may be one of those situations where it might be helpful to offer someone the benefit of the doubt. There may very well be things going on in your sisters life that you are not privy too. Why not assume that she is doing the best she can?
posted by bq at 7:22 PM on July 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by bq at 7:22 PM on July 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
Go. I've had a tough time with one of my sisters recently but I've decided to do what I can to be there for her. In twenty years time I still want her around - you seem to feel the same way.
posted by Partario at 7:44 PM on July 23, 2011
posted by Partario at 7:44 PM on July 23, 2011
You sound like you are harboring a lot of resentment and bitterness toward your sister that needs to be addressed before you can make a rational decision about attending. Since that would be almost impossible, I suggest you go as a guest and not think of it as you having any involvement other than you are willing to help if asked.
I think you will be better off regretting going if that comes to pass than regretting not going.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:51 PM on July 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think you will be better off regretting going if that comes to pass than regretting not going.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:51 PM on July 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
My mother was in rapid decline with cancer when I got married. It was a conundrum - have the wedding sooner, or delay it [to when? After she died?] It's hard to know your sister's thinking on this, but wedding planning in such a situation is fraught, and your comments remind me of the push-pull/competing factors surrounding planning my own. In the nicest possible way, this isn't about just you.
How about a compromise position framed in a way to take your mother's situation more into account? Can you suggest to your sister that with your mother unable to attend in person that you will stay with her and keep her company on the day? A webcam and Skype set up can keep you involved on the day, relieve your sister of worry about your mother's physical attendance/being alone on the day.
You can dress up, have champagne, make video messages/record a toast to be played etc. You don't want to burn all your bridges by simply not going, and you can frame this as taking care of your mother's needs. You can both be there 'in spirit.' I'd be relieved that my mother wasn't alone on the day.
posted by honey-barbara at 7:58 PM on July 23, 2011 [8 favorites]
How about a compromise position framed in a way to take your mother's situation more into account? Can you suggest to your sister that with your mother unable to attend in person that you will stay with her and keep her company on the day? A webcam and Skype set up can keep you involved on the day, relieve your sister of worry about your mother's physical attendance/being alone on the day.
You can dress up, have champagne, make video messages/record a toast to be played etc. You don't want to burn all your bridges by simply not going, and you can frame this as taking care of your mother's needs. You can both be there 'in spirit.' I'd be relieved that my mother wasn't alone on the day.
posted by honey-barbara at 7:58 PM on July 23, 2011 [8 favorites]
Be your mother's eyes and ears. Go to the wedding, record video, take pictures. Bring all that back for mom to see, so she can take part, in some small way.
Tell your sister how you feel, get it off your chest and then move on. It'll be painful but there's no point in in subjecting yourself to abuse, just because it's your sister.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:16 PM on July 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
Tell your sister how you feel, get it off your chest and then move on. It'll be painful but there's no point in in subjecting yourself to abuse, just because it's your sister.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:16 PM on July 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
I don't know that you should go, necessarily, but I will point out that there are two people getting married -- your sister and her fiance. Presumably, the fiance has family and friends and his own drama from them to contend with. Is it at all possible that something going on in the fiance's life pushed the wedding to a time that is not good for your mother? Could he have a relative in a similar situation to your mother? Could there be financial issues with his parents offering to pay a lot of the cost but only if the wedding occurs around this time? Could it be there's something particularly special about the fall for your sister and her fiance? Could it also be that your sister really doesn't know how bad off your mother is and is really believe she'll be able to attend and that you and her doctors are just making a bigger deal out of this than it is?
There were numerous reasons why there were only five people at my wedding --- me, him, two friends, and the JofP who married us. We didn't want to deal with the drama of two families.
I'm not saying your sister is necessarily right here. I'm not saying you necessarily should go to the wedding --- and I do think it may really just depend on how your mother is doing much closer to the date of the wedding before you can even make that decision----, but I do bet that there's a lot more going on with the planning of it than you've been, fairly or unfairly, privy to.
posted by zizzle at 8:27 PM on July 23, 2011
There were numerous reasons why there were only five people at my wedding --- me, him, two friends, and the JofP who married us. We didn't want to deal with the drama of two families.
I'm not saying your sister is necessarily right here. I'm not saying you necessarily should go to the wedding --- and I do think it may really just depend on how your mother is doing much closer to the date of the wedding before you can even make that decision----, but I do bet that there's a lot more going on with the planning of it than you've been, fairly or unfairly, privy to.
posted by zizzle at 8:27 PM on July 23, 2011
I would go, even though spending all that money to attend the wedding of somebody who's been acting like a shithead would rankle me, too. You'll probably patch things up with your sister eventually, but it'll make things more difficult she thinks you skipped her wedding out of spite (or to "teach her a lesson" or whatever). If some version of revenge is your underlying motive (only you can know if that's the case), I'd think extra-super-hard before deciding to stay home, as I'd be willing to bet that you wouldn't feel too great about the decision after some time has passed. And, unless she's specifically asked you to be with her in the event that she's too ill to attend, your non-attendance would likely only heap more stress and hurt on your mother if she is, as you indicate, still on good terms with your sister.
posted by wreckingball at 8:43 PM on July 23, 2011
posted by wreckingball at 8:43 PM on July 23, 2011
I say you should go - and I am famous on the AskMe's for ditching out on problem family whenever the question comes up. This counts a lot.
-----
That said, I feel like you left a lot out of your explanation. Your sister sounds like she had a major transformation, and I am wondering WHY.
Maybe I am reading too much into stuff, but did your sister's attitude change when she met her now fiance?
If you knew the reason WHY she's like this, you could deal with it. Either she's finally showing you how she really feels, or some external factor has acted upon her and she's coping badly.
Which is it?
posted by jbenben at 9:02 PM on July 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
-----
That said, I feel like you left a lot out of your explanation. Your sister sounds like she had a major transformation, and I am wondering WHY.
Maybe I am reading too much into stuff, but did your sister's attitude change when she met her now fiance?
If you knew the reason WHY she's like this, you could deal with it. Either she's finally showing you how she really feels, or some external factor has acted upon her and she's coping badly.
Which is it?
posted by jbenben at 9:02 PM on July 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Is your family in general (not just your sister) the sort who would never forget/forgive you if you didn't go? If that's the case, then GO because you will never hear the end of it and you can't make up for a non-wedding attendance. Your sister sounds awful, but weddings tend to have long-term consequences. Or at least they do with my relatives.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:03 PM on July 23, 2011
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:03 PM on July 23, 2011
It sounds from your question that you are making assumptions about how your sister should behave, and when she's not doing that you are blaming her. I think that's because there are details left out: did your sister know you were coming to her graduation? Did you go expecting to spend time with her without making concrete plans to do so? Yeah, if you went down there at the time you were still very close and she didn't let you know she was having a student-only party, that's really not cool at all. The same with the wedding: are you sure you know all the reasons why your sister might choose the date she did? Are you sure it's just her, with no input from the fiance or his family? Are you sure she's not talked to your mom about the plans? OK, if she's unilaterally making all the decisions she might be being imperious and thoughtless.
I still think you should go. Be the bigger person for your own sake, even if you end up never speaking to her again. Leave your expectations about her behavior that night at home as well.
posted by oneirodynia at 9:08 PM on July 23, 2011
I still think you should go. Be the bigger person for your own sake, even if you end up never speaking to her again. Leave your expectations about her behavior that night at home as well.
posted by oneirodynia at 9:08 PM on July 23, 2011
If it were me, I'd spend the money I would have spent on a gift and plane fare on doing something nice for my mum. I doubt she'll even notice or care that you're not there. You're not in the wedding party, you're just another guest.
Will you regret it if you don't go? Impossible to know. Will you have a horrible time and regret spending the money and time if you do go? From the sounds of it, probably.
posted by missmagenta at 12:33 AM on July 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Will you regret it if you don't go? Impossible to know. Will you have a horrible time and regret spending the money and time if you do go? From the sounds of it, probably.
posted by missmagenta at 12:33 AM on July 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
missmagenta makes a good point. Dunno how far you are from mom, how much money you have, but all things considered, if there's some distance 'tween you and you're not up to your eyebrows in money, spending the $$ you'd spend to travel to the wedding on seeing your mom.
If sis asks, saying that you do not have unlimited resources and you chose to spend that money to see your mother doesn't strike me as unreasonable.
That said, it does seem a big, clear-the-air conversation with your sister is due at some point.
posted by ambient2 at 2:21 AM on July 24, 2011
If sis asks, saying that you do not have unlimited resources and you chose to spend that money to see your mother doesn't strike me as unreasonable.
That said, it does seem a big, clear-the-air conversation with your sister is due at some point.
posted by ambient2 at 2:21 AM on July 24, 2011
My sister and I are having some difficulties currently, and I'm closer to being in your sister's position than yours. I'm not the greatest at communication, and I really don't communicate well under stress. I had a good friend die of cancer. My sister was getting married and wanted me in the wedding party and was very frustrated with my shortcomings, because she didn't know but I was having such a hard time dealing with the grief. I am sure from her end it seemed like I was very thoughtless and selfish for no reason, and she got on me about it. We've been distant since then.
Your mom has cancer, and everybody has different reactions to that sort of stress. Do not underestimate how difficult this may be to your sister, and how different her reactions may be from yours. Stop calculating how you are owed behaviors from her because you "made great efforts to be not just a good sibling, but a good friend". Stop. Stop.
This is a very hard time. Why aren't you being her good friend now, when she needs it, and you need it? Do what a good friend would do.
posted by griselda at 3:24 AM on July 24, 2011 [4 favorites]
Your mom has cancer, and everybody has different reactions to that sort of stress. Do not underestimate how difficult this may be to your sister, and how different her reactions may be from yours. Stop calculating how you are owed behaviors from her because you "made great efforts to be not just a good sibling, but a good friend". Stop. Stop.
This is a very hard time. Why aren't you being her good friend now, when she needs it, and you need it? Do what a good friend would do.
posted by griselda at 3:24 AM on July 24, 2011 [4 favorites]
Also, being in the wedding party when you are long distance is a huge drag. It makes everything three times as complicated. It is not much of a consolation, but I would have enjoyed my sister's wedding way more as a regular guest. My memories of the event are full of stress and not as pleasant as I would have preferred. She might be doing you a favor, in a roundabout way.
posted by griselda at 3:42 AM on July 24, 2011
posted by griselda at 3:42 AM on July 24, 2011
"Our other sibling, who is still planning on attending, is taking the respectable and noble position that it's important to be there for our sister, regardless of how she behaves. I am inclined to agree with him. Family is deeply important to me, and I don't want to take a dramatic action that I might regret later by not attending."
I could not have put it any better.
This is what people mean when they talk about unconditional love. It's become a cliche, but consider what it really means in your case. How much of your disappointment in your sister's behaviour results from her falling short of your expectations? Expectations of behavioural standards, even -- no, especially -- in those we love the most are a certain road to disappointment, anger, and resentment and even the very worst kind of long-term bitterness. I know this. It's an incredibly difficult thing, but try not to have expectations of other people. You'll be much happier for it, and you'll probably find your relationships with others improve too.
Also, young people are idiots, and these days a young person is anyone under 40.
posted by nthdegx at 3:54 AM on July 24, 2011
I could not have put it any better.
This is what people mean when they talk about unconditional love. It's become a cliche, but consider what it really means in your case. How much of your disappointment in your sister's behaviour results from her falling short of your expectations? Expectations of behavioural standards, even -- no, especially -- in those we love the most are a certain road to disappointment, anger, and resentment and even the very worst kind of long-term bitterness. I know this. It's an incredibly difficult thing, but try not to have expectations of other people. You'll be much happier for it, and you'll probably find your relationships with others improve too.
Also, young people are idiots, and these days a young person is anyone under 40.
posted by nthdegx at 3:54 AM on July 24, 2011
What does your mother prefer? If she has no preference, I personally wouldn't go. I don't know why your sister would feel slighted if you didn't go when based on your post, she has been slighting you for a while now. I think actions have consequences and I don't see paying money to go see someone who has dismissed you over and over. Not asking you to be in the wedding after you were just in hers is enough of a slap in the face imo. And even though she might not realize it, all her friends and guests are wondering what's up with her that her sisters (neither one of you?) is in the wedding and wondering why she would choose to have a wedding that her mother can't attend. Everyone there will have eyebrows raised, as they should. I personally think she has made the bed, it's up to her to fix the mess. It's not about being the "bigger" person or anything. I don't see the nobility in pretending everything is kosher when it's not. I think she has already shown you how she wants to be treated. By dismissing you, she has already made the decision. Your not going in my opinion would be the inevitable result of her decision. And if she asked why you didn't go, I would tell her just that. "Your actions showed me my presence was not that important, so I saved my money and hung out with mom. Hope you had fun."
Moving on...
posted by GeniPalm at 5:58 AM on July 24, 2011 [2 favorites]
Moving on...
posted by GeniPalm at 5:58 AM on July 24, 2011 [2 favorites]
"Not asking you to be in the wedding after you were just in hers is enough of a slap in the face imo."
Maybe. But turn this the other way round. If you were asked to be a bridesmaid, and you haven't been getting along well lately, would you be happy in the knowledge that you were probably asked merely because she felt beholden to you after you'd made her a bridesmaid? It's not a good reason to make anyone anything at a wedding. She's at a time in her life when friends are more important to her than much of her family. This is not unusual in someones teens and twenties. She'll come to realise the value of family eventually, provided she hasn't been given cause not to by wiser heads in the interim.
posted by nthdegx at 6:41 AM on July 24, 2011
Maybe. But turn this the other way round. If you were asked to be a bridesmaid, and you haven't been getting along well lately, would you be happy in the knowledge that you were probably asked merely because she felt beholden to you after you'd made her a bridesmaid? It's not a good reason to make anyone anything at a wedding. She's at a time in her life when friends are more important to her than much of her family. This is not unusual in someones teens and twenties. She'll come to realise the value of family eventually, provided she hasn't been given cause not to by wiser heads in the interim.
posted by nthdegx at 6:41 AM on July 24, 2011
It sounds like your sister started backing off on the bestie stuff a long time ago but you kept up with it and were hurt every time she didn't reciprocate. It sucks, but there is no way to force someone to pay back being friends. As you've found out playing "most virtuous person" and simmering about all the nice things you voluntarily did for someone that they didn't repay just doesn't work. You can either drop the person entirely or accept that the closest you can be is whatever level of friendship they see you at, without holding grudges. In this case you need to consider if you can be happy having a sister who isn't your bestie or if you would rather not have a sister at all.
I have more sympathy for your sister than previous posters, she's moving between the time of her life where the people she spent the most time with were her family and the time of her life where the people she spends the most time with are her peers from work/school and her new family (husband-to-be).
posted by anaelith at 6:42 AM on July 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have more sympathy for your sister than previous posters, she's moving between the time of her life where the people she spent the most time with were her family and the time of her life where the people she spends the most time with are her peers from work/school and her new family (husband-to-be).
posted by anaelith at 6:42 AM on July 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
I agree with Katiepickle's advice...spend the time with your mom, either at or not at the wedding.
I don't get why people say "you must support your sister." Can't she stand upright?
posted by BostonTerrier at 7:14 PM on July 23
This.
Regardless of the reason for your difficulties with your sister or who caused them/whose fault they are, you are not enthusiastic about going to this wedding now. If you go, you will be going out of a sense of obligation or because you think it's the "right thing to do", not because you really want to be there, and that will colour your experience, your behaviour, and your memories of being there.
The only way I'd recommend going to the wedding is if you are able to clear the air with your sister first. If you figure out what caused the falling-out and are able to reconnect, then it will be a happy memory and enjoyable to you both. If you go while the frustrations are still festering, then that will always be at the back of your mind on that day, and it may even be what your sister thinks about when she sets eyes on you.
Since one of your big concerns in this post is your mother's feelings, why not do what a few people have already suggested and go to your mom's that day, to spend time with her and make her feel happier and less left out? If the two of you want to make sure it's not interpreted as a snub, send a nice bottle of champagne the day of the wedding, or something similar?
Regardless of what you do, figure out why you are doing it and then own the decision. Are you going as a show of solidarity? Then accept that you're doing that, that it's a somewhat selfless act, expect not to be included very much and that you're going to be taking the financial and emotional hit to do the right thing now in the hopes of a later payoff. (Were it me, I wouldn't go, because I would know that I couldn't enjoy the event for what it was supposed to be, and that my memories of being there wouldn't be good. Even if I were to patch things up with that sister later, that won't magically turn the memory of being at the wedding into a good experience, but I would remember it as a signifier of where our relationship was at the time, and appreciate the reconciliation that much more.)
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 7:47 AM on July 24, 2011
I don't get why people say "you must support your sister." Can't she stand upright?
posted by BostonTerrier at 7:14 PM on July 23
This.
Regardless of the reason for your difficulties with your sister or who caused them/whose fault they are, you are not enthusiastic about going to this wedding now. If you go, you will be going out of a sense of obligation or because you think it's the "right thing to do", not because you really want to be there, and that will colour your experience, your behaviour, and your memories of being there.
The only way I'd recommend going to the wedding is if you are able to clear the air with your sister first. If you figure out what caused the falling-out and are able to reconnect, then it will be a happy memory and enjoyable to you both. If you go while the frustrations are still festering, then that will always be at the back of your mind on that day, and it may even be what your sister thinks about when she sets eyes on you.
Since one of your big concerns in this post is your mother's feelings, why not do what a few people have already suggested and go to your mom's that day, to spend time with her and make her feel happier and less left out? If the two of you want to make sure it's not interpreted as a snub, send a nice bottle of champagne the day of the wedding, or something similar?
Regardless of what you do, figure out why you are doing it and then own the decision. Are you going as a show of solidarity? Then accept that you're doing that, that it's a somewhat selfless act, expect not to be included very much and that you're going to be taking the financial and emotional hit to do the right thing now in the hopes of a later payoff. (Were it me, I wouldn't go, because I would know that I couldn't enjoy the event for what it was supposed to be, and that my memories of being there wouldn't be good. Even if I were to patch things up with that sister later, that won't magically turn the memory of being at the wedding into a good experience, but I would remember it as a signifier of where our relationship was at the time, and appreciate the reconciliation that much more.)
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 7:47 AM on July 24, 2011
If you do not go to her wedding, you should be prepared to be permanently estranged.
Refusing to attend a sibling's wedding is an explicit message that you are no longer family members, and the rest of your lives is a long time.
My father-in-law was undergoing chemotherapy when my husband and I were married. My mother-in-law mentioned at one point that his treatment schedule might preclude his attending, at which point we immediately started looking into arranging a small wedding local to his treatment, and reconceptualizing the planned-for-18-months wedding as a "reception". It never occurred to us in a million years that anyone's nose would be put out of joint to be invited to a reception when the wedding was being scheduled so that the groom's dying father could be there. All that turned out to be unnecessary -- my MIL was actually surprised at how seriously we'd taken her -- but our first reaction was that of course we weren't getting married without him, and we'd do what was needed to make it happen.
posted by endless_forms at 8:16 AM on July 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
Refusing to attend a sibling's wedding is an explicit message that you are no longer family members, and the rest of your lives is a long time.
My father-in-law was undergoing chemotherapy when my husband and I were married. My mother-in-law mentioned at one point that his treatment schedule might preclude his attending, at which point we immediately started looking into arranging a small wedding local to his treatment, and reconceptualizing the planned-for-18-months wedding as a "reception". It never occurred to us in a million years that anyone's nose would be put out of joint to be invited to a reception when the wedding was being scheduled so that the groom's dying father could be there. All that turned out to be unnecessary -- my MIL was actually surprised at how seriously we'd taken her -- but our first reaction was that of course we weren't getting married without him, and we'd do what was needed to make it happen.
posted by endless_forms at 8:16 AM on July 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
Can you find a way to go that includes your mom, like going with an iPhone (I hear they can do this, maybe other technology can also) and sending her live video of the ceremony? That way your focus is on ways you can make a positive contribution to your family. Other members of your family will be there - can you focus on spending time with them? Maybe this will be a moment of significant ritual and emotion that acts as a spur for either you or your sister to suddenly move past whatever resentment has built up. You might get carried away in the moment.
These are just thoughts.
Ultimately, if your sister doesn't want to also be your best friend, that's very sad but not something you can change. You need to adjust your expectations or you will keep getting hurt.
posted by prefpara at 8:19 AM on July 24, 2011
These are just thoughts.
Ultimately, if your sister doesn't want to also be your best friend, that's very sad but not something you can change. You need to adjust your expectations or you will keep getting hurt.
posted by prefpara at 8:19 AM on July 24, 2011
I might get in trouble for not reading through the whole question but I think the answer is just "yes".
posted by bquarters at 9:15 AM on July 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by bquarters at 9:15 AM on July 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
I sincerely don't understand why you would get outraged on your mom's behalf and burn a bridge with your sister if your mom herself is not upset. Since it makes little sense to be upset on her behalf I think you might want to do some thinking about what is truly making you so upset.
You say some version of "my sister is being extremely difficult / behaving badly / acting cruelly" much more than you say "I feel ___." Getting more in touch with your feelings and presenting them as your own will probably help your thinking and communication here. (The book Difficult Conversations could be helpful with that.)
It sounds to me like you've felt rejected by her and are now fitting her wedding timing into a thesis about her, much more than that your mom truly needs you to make a stand against your sister.
Is there anything more to this sense of abandonment and rejection you're feeling that could stand to be excavated and acknowledged? I could definitely understand feeling hurt by what you've described. But what you're describing is more intense than that, and also filled with a lot of moments where no communication seems to have occurred (meaning that you can't be sure of what her intentions were). So I wonder what that missing piece is.
I would guess that this missing piece might be how difficult your mother's illness is on you. I know that this would be a time when *I'd* really want to share my worries, sadness, etc., with a sibling. So, failing to plan around your mother's needs could also represent her not being there for you in your own worries about your mother's health?
If not that, is there another way that your personal history, insecurities, or fears are playing into this? Were you abandoned at another time in your life? Do you fear her departure is because she thinks she's better than you in a way that triggers your own insecurities? Did her fade-out come at a time when you really needed support? It seems like there might be more to this story than some unreturned phone calls, a party, and how she's planning her wedding. Being rejected hurts, and I can her your pain at it pouring through the paper, so I'm not trying to minimize it, but to say that it's at least possible that she is not intending to hurt you. That doesn't make it not hurt, but it does make it potentially easier to fix.
It seems like you really need to examine, own, and let go of what is going on for you and how this is causing you to feel resentment and bitterness towards her. Once you can give her the benefit of the doubt while talking about why the situation was hard for you, you might be ready for a conversation with her.
She may not be your dream BFF sister, but coming to understand and accept her as she is will help you build a stronger relationship over the long run. Best wishes for you during what sounds like a very difficult time.
posted by salvia at 2:55 PM on July 24, 2011 [5 favorites]
You say some version of "my sister is being extremely difficult / behaving badly / acting cruelly" much more than you say "I feel ___." Getting more in touch with your feelings and presenting them as your own will probably help your thinking and communication here. (The book Difficult Conversations could be helpful with that.)
It sounds to me like you've felt rejected by her and are now fitting her wedding timing into a thesis about her, much more than that your mom truly needs you to make a stand against your sister.
Is there anything more to this sense of abandonment and rejection you're feeling that could stand to be excavated and acknowledged? I could definitely understand feeling hurt by what you've described. But what you're describing is more intense than that, and also filled with a lot of moments where no communication seems to have occurred (meaning that you can't be sure of what her intentions were). So I wonder what that missing piece is.
I would guess that this missing piece might be how difficult your mother's illness is on you. I know that this would be a time when *I'd* really want to share my worries, sadness, etc., with a sibling. So, failing to plan around your mother's needs could also represent her not being there for you in your own worries about your mother's health?
If not that, is there another way that your personal history, insecurities, or fears are playing into this? Were you abandoned at another time in your life? Do you fear her departure is because she thinks she's better than you in a way that triggers your own insecurities? Did her fade-out come at a time when you really needed support? It seems like there might be more to this story than some unreturned phone calls, a party, and how she's planning her wedding. Being rejected hurts, and I can her your pain at it pouring through the paper, so I'm not trying to minimize it, but to say that it's at least possible that she is not intending to hurt you. That doesn't make it not hurt, but it does make it potentially easier to fix.
It seems like you really need to examine, own, and let go of what is going on for you and how this is causing you to feel resentment and bitterness towards her. Once you can give her the benefit of the doubt while talking about why the situation was hard for you, you might be ready for a conversation with her.
She may not be your dream BFF sister, but coming to understand and accept her as she is will help you build a stronger relationship over the long run. Best wishes for you during what sounds like a very difficult time.
posted by salvia at 2:55 PM on July 24, 2011 [5 favorites]
How does your mom feel about the situation?
For some people weddings are very important life milestones and who attends or doesn't attend takes on a lot of significance. For other people, weddings are just not that big a deal. Is it possible your mom said "seriously, plan what you want, don't plan things around me" and is OK with that?
I (female) personally couldn't care less about weddings, and my mom is the same way. I know we're in the minority - just bringing up the possibility that you are unecessarily feeling hurt on your mom's behalf, since you do say your mom and sister seem to have an OK relationship.
posted by asynchronous at 3:07 PM on July 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
For some people weddings are very important life milestones and who attends or doesn't attend takes on a lot of significance. For other people, weddings are just not that big a deal. Is it possible your mom said "seriously, plan what you want, don't plan things around me" and is OK with that?
I (female) personally couldn't care less about weddings, and my mom is the same way. I know we're in the minority - just bringing up the possibility that you are unecessarily feeling hurt on your mom's behalf, since you do say your mom and sister seem to have an OK relationship.
posted by asynchronous at 3:07 PM on July 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Don't compound any drama. Go to the wedding; there will be lots of family & friends there. Be pleasant and have fun.
posted by theora55 at 5:00 PM on July 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 5:00 PM on July 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Your sister sounds like an ass, and I predict that her behavior will not improve after she's married.
I would have it out with her now, and save yourself the time, expense and trauma of the wedding if she's not interested in acting like your sister.
posted by Lizzle at 2:30 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would have it out with her now, and save yourself the time, expense and trauma of the wedding if she's not interested in acting like your sister.
posted by Lizzle at 2:30 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Can your mom attend the wedding via Skype or a FaceTime call? If so, one possibility is that you could be with your mom to help her with the tech end of that if she's not comfortable with it. If she's good there, you could set up the technology on the wedding end.
Otherwise, my inclination is that you should go to the wedding. What does your mom want you to do? (I'm betting she wants to see you attend.)
posted by pupstocks at 5:15 PM on July 23, 2011