How to set healthy boundaries when you're sick of therapy?

July 7, 2011 3:03 PM

How does one build boundaries when not interested in therapy?

I've been in and out of therapy for a good number of years and while it helped for some issues, there is one where it's never really helped---establishing healthy boundaries in relationships (i.e. boyfriend or marriage).

So after much research, soul searching, message board postings, the final conclusion is this is my main problem.

If I don't to go to a therapist, what options do I have? I'm not quite sure a group setting will work either.

I've read Melody Beattie Co Dependent No More, re-read it, and while it helped for a little while and definately realizing the issue(s), it's still a problem.

I feel that there is no help yet I need/want help. My lack of boundaries is the lone reason I can't make a decision on key relationship items, can't find good relationships (seem to attract the unhealthy type), and wears me out with trying to round and round explain myself to the unhealthy when I try to establish these boundaries.

I think in the end the establishment of boundaries will conclude in a divorce, and that's ok. But I can't to step 1 or even that result without knowing how to set boundaires, how to stick with them, how not to feel guilty about setting them, how to deal with the whining the other person puts on me when I say no.

I'm just fed up with keep drawing lines in the sand and they keep getting washed away. There are so many "this is the last time" I can hear myself before I get sick of it.

Books are fine too but any other ways of achieving this help/goal?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total)

if it's something you know you have a problem with - to set, maintain, and adhere to boundaries without and therapeutic help is difficult. not impossible, i have done it. me and therapy just don't gel and so all my re-contextualizing and surviving and boundary setting has happened without that help. it was in no way easy.

for instance, if i want to practice boundaries, i have to do it with the people who encroach on my boundaries. this is sort of like trying to get sober at a rave - it's possible, but it's filled with triggers that are set up to see you fail.

it takes an iron clad will and a determination that most of us with the problem have an issue mustering (hence, our lax boundaries). you have to reach a point of "no more" - do you realize that the other person isn't washing your boundaries away? that you're the one pouring water on them by not sticking to them? how many "this is the last time" does it take? more than you've seen, because you're still taking it. guilt is the tool of manipulators, you'll just have to feel it. that's not a good enough excuse to keep putting yourself second.
posted by nadawi at 3:15 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

Maybe you should stop thinking about boundaries and just start working on assertiveness. There are loads of non-therapy type courses out there to help with this - my workplace actually offers it as part of the 'soft-skills' development package for staff. In these courses you just practice being assertive in a practical way. It won't address the underlying issues in your personal relationships but it might help you to start developing the emotional muscle that will get you there, in a non-charged environment.
posted by freya_lamb at 3:28 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

The other person has to agree to go along with the boundaries you set, or you have to have reliable ways to enforce your boundaries and live by your principles.


It appears from the subtext of your question that your spouse does not want to go a long with the boundaries you set... Therefore, what will you do?


I think you can learn about setting boundaries and practice all you want, but if your spouse won't play along, it's futile.

Couples counseling.

(Anyway, what good are boundaries if you can't/won't back them up?

I suggest you rely on your partner less for your needs and wants, cultivate your independence. This way, you can enforce your boundaries because you won't be beholden to your spouse for anything. You need to be able to tell this person to go F themselves the next time they refuse to respect your boundaries. Hopefully, your spouse will come around.)
posted by jbenben at 4:10 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

Spend time with people for whom you do not need to "set boundaries".

Some people are kind, considerate, loving and safe, and they simply don't cause you to wish you had boundaries.

Have you ever had someone like that in your life? A relative? A friend? Pet? Imaginary friend?

Look for more people like that to spend time with.

Be disappointed in the others. They fail. They're not the caliber of person who can nurture you. They haven't got it in them.
posted by vitabellosi at 4:29 PM on July 7, 2011 [4 favorites]

They don't directly deal with setting boundaries as such, but two books that were very helpful to me in figuring out how to handle my interpersonal relationships were The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner. I am usually not that into self-help titles, but I felt both of these helped me gain a lot of insight into how I handle personal interactions and how those interactions affect my sense of self.

For me, too, I became much better at setting boundaries when I learned to assert myself better.
posted by crowyhead at 5:12 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm just fed up with keep drawing lines in the sand and they keep getting washed away. There are so many "this is the last time" I can hear myself before I get sick of it.

Um... okay, so what this says to me is that you know your boundaries, you just won't enforce them. So, start small. "If you talk to me that way again, I'm hanging up the phone." Practice with the little stuff. "It appears that you're quite angry. If you're not ready to stop fuming, I'm not going to be able to hang out with you tonight."
posted by salvia at 7:34 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

I learned more than I can tell you about what setting boundaries looks and feels like when I started going to Gam-Anon meetings to support a friend who has a gambling addiction. I learned things from those meetings that affected and improved every facet of my life. If you have a friend or family member with an addiction, you may want to look into attending that type of meeting (Al-Anon, etc.). I had no idea I would get so much out of them.
posted by southern_sky at 5:46 AM on July 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

I've been listening to a three part series on just this thing by Robert Ohotto (ohotto.com) and it's been very, very helpful. He's direct, to the point and gives lots of practical examples that were very illustrative.

I'm putting his suggestions into practice little by little and am seeing changes already in how I feel about stuff.

MefiMail me if you want to talk more.
posted by Mysticalchick at 6:06 AM on July 8, 2011

Well.... to sum up, you need to 1) know what you want. 2) State the boundaries firmly, clearly, and factually. 3) Enforce them. People, especially those not used to having rules and limitations set on them by you, will often freak out about boundaries. It seems like you feel it is easier to cave in... but that's a short term solution at best, as I'm sure you know.

Forgive my dip into armchair psychology. I'm willing to bet your parents had bad boundary modeling for you. Answer these questions for yourself: What are you afraid of when setting boundaries? Why arent you good enough to have your boundaries respected? If your X dosen't respect your clearly laid out boundaries, what do you get out of being around them? How long are you going to wait for them to change? Do you think you can change them? What is the common factor among all your bad picks?

I Know its always hard and sad when people you love and should be able to trust are less than what they should be. But, boundaries are for you. You are worthy of good things. If nobody respects your boundaries, it rather makes you a doormat than a human being. While I am in general an advocate of working things out, some people (including relatives and spouses) may not be safe, good people for you. It is ok to lower the amount of trust and intamacy you have with them.

My GF had some issues with this too... She watched Millionaire Matchmaker and listened to Tony Robins and she said they helped quite a bit :) And you are of course welcome to mail me. :)
posted by Jacen at 7:31 AM on July 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Al-anon isn't therapy and doesn't cost and teaches this stuff. It is a "group setting" though.
posted by small_ruminant at 12:14 PM on July 8, 2011

Just a thought: what if you thought of yourself as a friend, and then asked yourself, if I watched Friend's boundary being disregarded this way, what would I wish she would say?
posted by small_ruminant at 12:16 PM on July 8, 2011

Oh, and a side note- Pastors and such can be a huge help even in areas you think they may not be able to help in. If you don't have a church/faith, I reccomend Unintarians.
posted by Jacen at 4:28 PM on July 8, 2011