Asking about names of people you know?

June 1, 2011 3:34 PM

How to ask someone's name that you've known for years without sounding like a jerk?

I'm just really bad with names in general, but that's really no excuse for people i've known for a long time. Some people I may have forgotten names cause of a long period apart. So that can be awkward in itself. But for people I see almost everyday that I've known for many years, I feel like a jerk for not knowing their names. For example the FedEX guy that brings me my packages at work and all the cleaning people. They all know my name and say Hi by name, but I can only reply "Hey, how's it going.... ?" After all these years, how can I ask their names? I tried going around asking co-workers but none of them seem to know those peoples names either (so I don't feel as bad as I did but still would like to know).

posted by udon to Society & Culture (29 answers total)

"Good to see you! I'm Udon, by the way. I don't know if I've ever actually introduced myself."

Most people will respond in kind. They may be bad with names and glad to hear yours again.
posted by Knowyournuts at 3:39 PM on June 1, 2011 [5 favorites]

Simply assuming that other people are as bad with names as you are makes it easier to ask.
posted by knz at 3:41 PM on June 1, 2011 [3 favorites]

Oh sorry, it sounds like they ARE saying your name. Who are these amazing people?!
posted by Knowyournuts at 3:41 PM on June 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Oh this has happened to me a million times. Ask a friend the unameable person doesn't know along with you or drag them over etc. Get them to introduce themselves, e.g:

Friend:"By the way, I don't think we've met, hi, I'm N. Joy Macavity."

Nameless One: "Hi, I'm Fallopian Diamondskin."

You: "OH HA HA I SHOULD HAVE INTRODUCED YOU TO MY GOOD FRIEND FALLOPIAN. HA HA! WE KNOW EACH OTHER'S NAMES SO IT WOULD HAVE BEEN APROPRIATE. YES."
posted by smoke at 3:43 PM on June 1, 2011 [81 favorites]

I have learned to accept that I am bad with names, and to ask as many times as I need to. Usually, I do something like what knowyournuts does--re-introduce myself as a way of saying, "I don't assume you remember my name, either." (That's obviously not going to work if someone has just said to you, "Hi, udon!" And it doesn't work if the other person doesn't pick up that they're supposed to reciprocate, which happens once in awhile). Often, I am just really upfront and say, "I know you've told me before, but I am just terrible with names. Do you might telling me your name again?" And then, when they do, I thank them and tell them that I will probably have to ask them again a few hundred times before it sticks.

I've never had a person seem insulted that I asked their name, even if they were someone I really should know by now. Mostly people say sympathetic things like, "I'm bad with names too," or, "I hate when that happens!"
posted by not that girl at 3:45 PM on June 1, 2011 [7 favorites]

"Do you mind..." is of course what I meant.
posted by not that girl at 3:45 PM on June 1, 2011

Response by poster: Smoke, that makes me think of the other night I was at a Pool hall. I saw one of my dad's friends and he was with a woman half his age. He didn't introduce her. And I was afraid to say, is this your daughter? girlfriend? or what? I wonder if he simply just forgot her name. He is at that age to forget... Hahaha
posted by udon at 3:46 PM on June 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Keep in mind, the FedEx guy probably has your name on the package he's delivering, and the cleaning people can read your nameplate (if you have one). Do any of these people wear nametags?

(I'm terrible about this too, so I always try to find workarounds.)
posted by natabat at 3:46 PM on June 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

I find people don't mind if you are clear and somewhat self-deprecating about it. Tell them you feel like a dunce because their name escaped your mind. Tell them you feel ridiculous for interacting with them for so long without getting their name. Be honest, go over the introductions again, and move on.

natabat also makes a good point with how those people might know your name without you getting theirs. Personally, I find that sort of unbalanced name-exchange a little strange and don't use someone's name from, say, a nametag without actually making an introduction (and dislike when people do that sort of thing to me, like changing from "sir" to "Mr. LastName" after accepting a credit card).
posted by cardioid at 3:55 PM on June 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

Parenthood, more than anything else has destroyed my name cache. It socially awful. I now start every introduction with a pre-emptive apology and ask again later on: "I'm apologizing now because I've become so horrible with remembering names that I will probably forget yours. I'm so sorry. I wish that child-induced sleep deprivation hadn't wreaked such havoc, but it's not you."

With older acquaintances I'll apologize effusively and ask again. You know how many people have given me grief? None. This is very common.

If you are so worried about looking like a cad, ask someone else who you know knows them, preferably not in the moment.
posted by plinth at 3:56 PM on June 1, 2011

Response by poster: That's true Natabat. So they always had a reminder if they forgot. I just thought they were really good cause I could be outside with a group of people and they could name everyone I was with by name.
Thanks for all the suggestions everyone! It sounds like everyone has the same issue as me, just gotta learn the work arounds :)
posted by udon at 3:57 PM on June 1, 2011

I have a super easy to remember name and I am horrible with remembering others', so this happens to me all the time. I just flat out ask. "I'm sorry, this is so stupid of me but I've forgotten your name." On the second go 'round, "I know I asked last week, but I'm really bad with names, can you tell me your name again?" Repeat as necessary. After the first few times it's not so horrible. If anyone's ever been offended, they got over it/haven't told me about it yet.

On preview, I do the pre-apology sometimes, too. My excuse is just that I suck, basically.
posted by anaelith at 3:58 PM on June 1, 2011

I usually just tell the truth: "I can't believe we've interacted so much over all these years and I don't think I ever learned your name." I don't think the FedEx guy or service workers in your building would be at all surprised or put off that you don't know their names, and I suspect they'd either be either happy or, at worst, ambivalent, to learn that you want to know theirs.
posted by gubenuj at 4:11 PM on June 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

"Sorry mate, how is it you spell your name again? I've got to put it down on this form here..."

Of course, the one time you use this, they say "S - M - I - T - H"

To which you can say "No, your first name" and recover smooth as you like.
posted by dougrayrankin at 4:14 PM on June 1, 2011 [3 favorites]

smoke has it; even though I realize I'm fooling no one - or others don't fool me when doing same, there's something kind about the consideration to fake it.

That said, I've never been offended when people who should know my name re-ask; I'm glad they care at all whenever they make the effort (and respect having the courage to ask again)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 4:18 PM on June 1, 2011

Speaking for myself, what matters is that people remember that they know me, not whether they can recall my name. There's only one time I've been offended. We have an annual event at work, and one year I had a long, wonderful, professional conversation with a tenured professor in another department. The next year, he introduced himself to me and asked if I was new. I wouldn't have minded if he forgot my name, but he had no recollection of me at all.

So basically, if someone asked me to repeat my name but otherwise indicated that they knew they knew me or appreciated my work or whatever, I wouldn't mind a bit. I can imagine it might be the same for these other folks, i.e., you remember that he's your regular FedEx guy, or he's your regular custodian, etc. It should only be embarrassing if you were to act like you never saw them before.
posted by Knowyournuts at 4:22 PM on June 1, 2011 [3 favorites]

I'm in the "'fess up, honesty works wonders" camp, because at my advanced age, my memory for names really IS declining, so when I say, "I don't remember your name..." it's the literal truth. I don't recall that anybody's ever been offended either (or they were too polite to tell me!)
posted by OneMonkeysUncle at 4:27 PM on June 1, 2011

This happens to me a lot. I usually go around and say, "I'm making up my [holiday] card list, and would love to give you one. Can you spell out your name for me so that I know I'm getting it right?"

(One year, I ended up having to send a bunch of people Purim cards, something I'd never done before and have never done again. Useful, though!)
posted by shamash at 4:28 PM on June 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

dougrayrankin: And then of course they say, "You don't know how to spell 'John' or 'Mary'?" and everything falls to pieces. :P

I usually go for the self-deprecating route. "You know, this is going to sound terrible, especially as we've crossed paths probably hundreds of times since I moved here, but I cannot remember your name. I'd like to try and commit it to memory. Humor ye olde sod who lives here, won't you, and remind me?"

It usually puts the other person at ease, you can give them a firm handshake or a winning grin, and then you get to scurry away and write all your new-found data down in hopes of never forgetting it again.
posted by patronuscharms at 4:30 PM on June 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

When it comes to situations like this I don't play coy and I don't recruit someone else to find out for me and report back (which is a little bit too much like junior high school dating for my tastes). I just look at the person, put a dumb-but-eager-to-please expression on my face and say something like "I'm sorry. I feel like an idiot here but we've been saying 'Hi' for ages and it just occurred to me that I don't know your name".

Okay, you are lying a little bit (it didn't "just" occur to you at all), but only a little.

(On preview: What patronuscharms said)
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 4:47 PM on June 1, 2011

"Hey, remind me, what's your name again?"

"Uhh, Joe"

"Nah, I know your first name Joe, just can't remember your surname."
posted by Happy Dave at 4:54 PM on June 1, 2011 [4 favorites]

Be honest. Do not use the "how do you spell your name" bit. I've had sales people within our company use that on me and my name is along the lines of Bob Jones. "B-o-b-J-o-n-e-s". They were embarrassed which made me and anyone within earshot uncomfortable at their embarrassment. Or, what patronuscharms said.
posted by Carbolic at 5:52 PM on June 1, 2011

Best answer: My two cents - If you've known this FedEx person for a long time and you don't know their name, it is obvious to them that you've never called them by their name. They are aware that their particular job gives them a constant reminder of your name, address, etc., and it should not be surprising to them that you don't know their name.

As a teacher, I am constantly trying to call my students by their names early in the term so I memorize them. When I finally learn the names of all of my students, and I call on someone for the first time, it is noticeable to them. It is impacting to be called out by your first name in a crowd. Of course, I'm on the flip side of what you're talking about...everyone knows my name to begin with and I know nothing.

I say just fess up and explain the situation to this person in exactly the same way you've brought it up here. Perhaps this person will say "Gosh, I'm glad you didn't try the old 'how do you spell your name' bit on me". They might even have some advice for how to handle this type of thing in the future. Maybe the experience will be empowering to you.
posted by klausman at 6:34 PM on June 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm with klausman, if you don't know someone's name it's painfully obvious to them - the "chief, buddy, amigo" thing just amplifies it. You know the old adage, the greatest complement you can give someone is to remember their name - well, I consider the 2nd greatest complement to care enough to re-ask someone their name. Just say:

I'm sorry can you please remind me of your name?

It's the perfect wording because it expresses regret and also gives them the respect that you at least remembered that you were once introduced.
posted by any major dude at 7:50 PM on June 1, 2011

My birthmark means everyone always recognizes me, and my top-10 first name means they always know my name (or have it wrong, but are sure they are right.) Meanwhile, I'm terrible with names.

No one minds telling me again when I ask. Though I do remain a cowars, so I use nametags and door labels whenever humanly possible - and I find excuses to ask people to spell their names for me.
posted by SMPA at 8:11 PM on June 1, 2011

1. Get a small child or co-worker. Doesn't matter which. Don't say anything to them.
2. Fedex man walks in.
3. You say to Fedex man, "Hi, I'd like to you meet [insert child's/co-worker's name]."
4. Fedex man, accustomed to social norms, reflexively says "Nice to meet you; I'm ....."
5. Pat small child or co-worker on head and give them a lollipop.
posted by webhund at 8:37 PM on June 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

patronuscharms: "And then of course they say, "You don't know how to spell 'John' or 'Mary'?" and everything falls to pieces. :P"

To which you reply "oh heck, there are so many new spellings out there, my friend just named his kid Jessyca with a y!"
posted by IndigoRain at 7:01 PM on June 2, 2011

(Not to mention John can be spelled Jon and I know of a lady named Merry because she was born on Christmas. At the answering service I used to work for, we were REQUIRED to ask name spellings. A guy said Schultz and he wouldn't spell it for me even though I kept asking, saying "you know, Schultz!" Never mind I had taken calls from Mr. Shultz, Mr. Shults, Mr. Schulz, etc...")
posted by IndigoRain at 7:04 PM on June 2, 2011

I have gone so far as to have hand signals with some friends - with others, a panicked look will suffice for them to go ahead an introduce themselves, because we've already discussed that that means I've forgotten the third parties name. Sometimes I've even sent them off to obtain the 3rd parties name, and come tell it to me. I've done the same!

A few times, I've asked for the forgotten-named person's cellphone details, and asked for their full name, or handed it to them to fill out. What's bad is when someone asks me my cell details, and gives me theirs, and I have to put down identifying features in the 'name' box and hope they don't realise I'm not putting their name in. At least I can fill that in later, after asking other people for their name.

Other times, I just admit that I blank out on names frequently. When I tell people I've blanked on my own sister's name, they're less inclined to take it personally. Except for the couple of times where I'm pretty sure people have thought I was lying (?!?) or got the kind of worried look that indicates they're assuming I'm brain damaged (well hey, could be true).
posted by Elysum at 2:17 AM on June 6, 2011