June 1, 2011 9:13 AM Subscribe
Weight management therapist's exercise bringing out a lot of anger. How should I deal?
posted by Kitty Stardust to human relations (37 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
My therapist has asked me to make a list of reasons I want to lose weight. I’m having a tough time with this.
Background: I am not in denial about being fat. I’m 5’3” and clocking in around 175lbs right now. I was a chubby kid who steadily grew into a chubby lady. I wasn’t particularly teased or tormented as a kid for being chubby. I don’t have any trauma issues. I’ve been a vegetarian, mainly due to a fear that eating meat/dairy would make me gain weight. I followed that lifestyle throughout my 20s, and that never resulted in me weighing any less than 170 lbs. I’ve never been an extreme dieter or had any other major eating issues. Currently I’m restricting calories (between 1300-1500), exercising, taking yoga classes and getting therapy. My diet is more low-carb oriented now. I don’t have any health issues. My thyroid tests are normal. As far as I know, I don’t have any metabolic issues other than perhaps a much thriftier system than I’d like.
My therapist wants me to make a list of motivators for losing weight and after a week and half of procrastinating, the best I can come up with are items of clothing that would be nice to wear. I’m having some anger come up as a result of this exercise. I think it has to do with the assumption that all my weight issues are because I have all these feelings I’m too stupid to acknowledge except through eating ice cream. I’ve never been a binge eater. I do indeed know the difference between physical hunger and sadness. When I eat, it is because my stomach is in literal pain and I’m getting lightheaded. My feminist consciousness is also charging in and asking why I must change my natural body because others have judged it unacceptable. Is it up to me to conform myself to what clothing makers sell or the other way around? I find myself coming up with sarcastic items to put on the list like “People stop assuming I stuff myself with junk food all day." I know this response won’t help me any, but it’s difficult to silence that anger.
I know that losing weight won’t fix my life. I’m not waiting for the day I see some magical number on the scale to live my life. I refuse to devalue my accomplishments because my thighs rub together. My sense of self doesn’t depend upon other people finding me attractive or fitting an externally imposed model of beauty. Honestly, I’m not sure why I have to lose weight except that everyone around me seems to think I should be doing this and it seems easier to placate them than try to explain again and again that this is just how I’m built.
Okay, so. Lots of issues here. How do I deal with this anger I’m feeling over the idea of losing weight?