Stuck In The Middle With You

May 28, 2011 2:19 PM

I am torn between my friends and my (now ex) boyfriend. They HATE eachother. I want to move ahead with my life but feel lost. I am in therapy but it's hard to unravel all of my thoughts about it in a 50 minute hour. I need to figure out what to do in the short term.

I am living in a city far from my city of origin. I lived here before, moved around and came back here on purpose, with a mind to settle down. I have a social circle here but it centers around my two closest friends, whom I love dearly and moved to this city to be near.

Ex boyfriend and I are still very much in love with one another but we both have issues we need to work out on our own, and can't be together right now. I'm confident I can handle my own stuff, and his problems are, well, on him. I don't want to get into too many details but assume that the problems he has are serious and can be scary, and I believe (and he believes) that he needs professional help. To date he has looked for it but has not actually pursued it. We were together for 3.5 years, and we broke up about 2.5 months ago.

Our problems were always here, but my close friends never liked him. In retrospect, I feel great waves of guilt when I think about the fact that I did not ask them to accept my relationship with my ex and trust that while our relationship was complicated, I loved him and hoped they'd respect that I would figure out how to handle it in due time. In any of our social interactions, they were pretty cold to him, and talked about how much they disliked him regularly. I did not stand up for him as well as I would have liked to, when I look back. I was ambivalent about our problems and uncomfortable defending some of the things they disliked about him. I wish I could go back in time and be more solid about this, but I can't.

So, a short while ago, there was a party in which all of these problems came to a head in the most nightmarish situation possible. He wanted to impress them, they were mad at his behavior and wanted to confront him about it, it got completely out of control, and it all ended very, very badly. We broke up the next day and the entire situation has put him into a pretty unstable place.

Me too -- I miss him terribly and now feel uncomfortable around my closest friends. I feel isolated and alone and like the people who are the most important to me in the world will never get along.

I have tried to repair these relationships but it's not entirely in my control. Ex and I are on speaking terms, and usually we are friendly and supportive of one another, until he gets overwhelmed with memories of what happened and falls into a bad place. I have tried to set boundaries (i.e. he needs to be in therapy, damnit) - but I miss him so much that the worry and loneliness become intolerable. Every time I break a promise to myself (no contact, for example), I fall a little deeper into a hole. I am trying to set real expectations and real boundaries for myself so that I will stop damaging my trust in myself and my self-confidence.

I really feel like being in contact with my friends and with him is allowing the potential for another bad situation. When my friends invite me places or tag me in on places in facebook, I feel uncomfortable. I am afraid to ask them for space because I also feel like they are not unreasonable to think I am choosing my ex boyfriend (and all of his problems) over them. Then I feel the same way about my ex - I want to see him and be in his life because he is my best friend (and I his), and while he has a lot of problems I don't feel he deserves to be excommunicated from my life, but his emotions and anger over the situation and the way my friends have treated him feels like a powder keg waiting to explode.

I keep trying to fix this situation with a magic bullet, when I realize what I really need is time to rebuild my sense of "home" and make myself more comfortable after my primary relationships all changed so dramatically in one night. My new strategy is to try to scale my expectations of myself back. I keep caving on promises I make to myself and it just makes me hate myself for wanting the love and companionship I was previously getting from my boyfriend and my friends.

To date, with my therapist, I have decided to start very small. I have committed to weekly therapy and nothing will sway me from that, committed to exercise regularly, and have promised myself to ask him to bring some suggestions to the table about how we can make our friendship more healthy and less painful, because to date none of my ideas have worked. I haven't got a clue what to tell my friends at the moment.

My friends keep inviting me out, and I feel like I need space, and I'm not sure how to ask for it. One of my closest friends is getting married later this year and she wants to do all of these bridesmaid's activities (yep. I'm a bridesmaid... THAT is keeping me up nights for sure). I don't want to act like a selfish asshole. I don't want to abandon anybody that I love. I don't want to wind up afraid to go anywhere because I am uncomfortable in my social circle.

I know logically that there are real steps I can take, but everything I can think of is very drastic - cut all contact off with him and just "be strong" (tried it - it's not working) - tell my friend I won't be in her wedding (can't even stomach the thought of it), move to Canada and start over? Whatever I think is the right move, I cave eventually. I miss my ex boyfriend. I miss my friends. I am choosing to let myself off of the hook for having these feelings instead of beating myself up, but I need a real solution to move forward.

I have been trying to focus on work (my job is not as demanding as it used to be but it's still demanding), my creative pursuits which take up a LOT of my time, and building new friendships. But sometimes it feels like all of these activities are just so many empty calories in a diet with no real sustenance.

Every step I try to take for myself feels selfish and wrong. My friends have done (and continue) to do so much for me. My ex also. When I look back at all of the love and support they've given me it's hard to let the pain that this situation is causing me eclipse it. I know I need to work on being a better agent for myself. I know it's going to take time.

I am open to any and all suggestions.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (7 answers total)

They don't have to like each other. They never did. It might make you life easier, but it sounds like some of the issues you had with him as boyfriend they had, too. Since they didn't love him like you, they didn't forgive him.

But you have a right to associate with whomever you want to associate with. If your friends have a problem with it, then that's on them and they just have to accept it. Be more assertive and tell them how your feel when they diss him.

Of course, if he's an emotional, physical or verbal abuser, then they're right to hate him and think he's bad.

But you're depressed. You're withdrawing from all social situations and you're not enjoying things you enjoyed before. Take care of this. Force yourself into the sunshine. Don't hide. Get help.
posted by inturnaround at 2:31 PM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

I know logically that there are real steps I can take, but everything I can think of is very drastic - cut all contact off with him and just "be strong" (tried it - it's not working)

If you really want your life back, you're going to have to break this off. Today. You and he both have acknowledged he has serious issues (scary issues?!). You've broken up with him. It is completely normal to miss him and wish things were different/better/fixed, but you're going to have to let go.

I also had a (sometimes scary drunk, overly competitive, sometimes inexplicably hostile) boyfriend who nobody liked. Not my friends, not my family. But I made up excuses from here to next Tuesday that they didn't understand, they didn't see his brilliance, that there would never be another boyfriend, that things would get better. It took more than six years and I so often wish I had some of those years back. Don't waste as much time as I did. I really knew for a long time it had to end. And you know it, too.

It's hard, it's hell, but it WILL get better. Let your friends help you. Make this decision to make your life better. Cry, and when you're done crying, get up. Pick a new hobby, buy some books you always wanted to read. Plant flowers. Cry some more. Volunteer with animals. You can do it. Nobody else can do it for you.
posted by Glinn at 2:46 PM on May 28, 2011

To add on to the point made by The World Famous...

It sounds to me as though you are letting The Night of the Incident plus your friends' dislike of your ex cloud the primary issue with your ex:

He has some serious and scary personal problems for which he needs to be seeking help, and he refuses to do so. Everything else is insignificant compared to that.

To my read, you are making a lot of complicated noise around the fact that your friends don't like him, you could have managed it all differently, you let him down, he gets overwhelmed thinking about the Incident, he's really mad at your friends for how they treated him, etc. etc. etc.

Forget that stuff. You are allowing it to distract you from the main issue: He has some serious and scary personal problems for which he needs to be seeking help, and he refuses to do so.

Anything to do with your friends and their feelings about him or treatment of him is secondary. He has some serious and scary personal problems for which he needs to be seeking help, and he refuses to do so.

You need to cut off your ex completely until he actively pursues and maintains a course of help for his problems, whatever that looks like. Go into Facebook and change your settings so that he is still your friend but he simply can't see any of your updates. Don't call him, don't spend time with him. Stop waiting for the "powder keg" of his explosion because he's mad at your friends. He has some serious and scary personal problems for which he needs to be seeking help, and he refuses to do so, and you need to stop catering to his wishes that you stay away from your friends.

You say you tried to cut him off, and you can't be strong enough—take that statement into your next session, and tell the therapist that you both want and need to cut off the ex right now, and can we please make that Priority #1. The doctor will help you execute on this one week at a time with some tools and techniques.

Because, regardless of what your friends think, the fact is that this person is not good for you right now, and he continues to choose to be that way... probably because you are letting him get away with it. You need to respect yourself enough to say, "I deserve a guy that is willing to work on his own stuff just like I'm working on mine."

Once you've successfully cut Ex off, you need to immerse yourself in other things. You need to spend time with your friends, because that is how you can take care of you right now. You are expending a ton of energy worrying about everyone else.

Sit your friends down and say, "I know you love me and mean well, but it is hurtful to me when you talk badly about [Ex]. I do know how you feel, and he and I did in fact break up, but he is still an important person for whom I have feelings, so if you could please not slam on him in front of me, that will really help me get over all this."

If your ex is worth it, he will work on his problems and become a better person, and then maybe in six or twelve months you can revisit the situation if you really feel you still want it. But stop making excuses in your heart as to why he doesn't have to fix himself. It's twaddle.

You are hurting because of this break-up. 3.5 years is a long time to be with someone, and it's understandable that you are still grieving the loss of your boyfriend. But he has some serious and scary personal problems for which he needs to be seeking help, and he refuses to do so. You need to move on.
posted by pineapple at 2:57 PM on May 28, 2011 [8 favorites]

You don't like him. They don't like him. You broke up with him, because of "scary" problems that he refuses to address.

.....and then you invited him to a party?

Generally speaking, when you dump somebody, you stop seeing them, no matter how much it hurts. Given that this has been going on for 3.5 years, I'm going to wager a guess and say that this relationship isn't going to get any healthier.

There are other guys out there. Stop trying to pretend that you're on the same level as your ex. You're the one who's actually taking steps to work through, and address your problems, and I think you've made it perfectly clear that he's done none of that. You're better than him, and deserve someone better than him.

I agree with pineapple. The issue with your friends is completely secondary, and given everything else that you've described, it sounds like they might be right. "Scary" doesn't tell me "complicated." It tells me "probably abusive."

Take the next step, and DTMFA for good.
posted by schmod at 3:08 PM on May 28, 2011 [4 favorites]

When deciding between friends and an ex, always choose the friends.

You can ask them not to talk shit about them because it makes you feel bad, and as your friends they should respect that request -- but they're your friends and he's your ex, and you need to keep that in mind.

If, someday, he works through his shit and you guys want to be together, it will happen. In the meantime, do your best to put him in the past.
posted by J. Wilson at 3:13 PM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

You are making this hugely complicated. You've presented yourself with a false choice.

Find a way to grieve the ex bf and be done with him already. He's likely not going to change, and yet for some reason you are putting him and his dramaz first. Listen, you are the only person who gets your consideration! You are first! He has scary issues? Dump him like the hot potato he is. He's an adult. You are robbing him of the consequences of his behavior and his decision to not get help. Find a way to grok his choices completely, realize he's choosing his issues over you, and move on. Really.

I'm not sure about your friends. If they are good people, keep them around. Honor their desire not to be around fucked up people (your ex) or see you with someone fucked up. It's kind of admirable, actually, that they would take a stand. They've done you a solid, so appreciate that. It's wrong for you to give your energy away to someone who won't take care of themselves, and your friends were spot on to take a stand and demonstrate to you the error you were making. In their shoes, I would have dumped you. In fact, I have dumped friends for this reason. Count your blessings here.

Normally I don't counsel people to go against what they want, but you are so misguided to waste your emotions on this guy, I have to speak up.

Other people will give you good advice on how to grieve and fill the void of loneliness. Follow it. Just telling you how this guy is standing between you getting your happiness back. Accept his agency as an adult, and you will instantly feel better. He's not choosing you, so don't you choose him.

Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 3:21 PM on May 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'm just chilled by your description of this. That "serious and can be scary", slipped so unobtrusively into the text. That your ex was trying to impress people and instead offended them beyond endurance... there's a type of person that does this with these kind of results and they are not good to be around.

At this stage of a breakup you really need to have a clean break. I really strongly urge you to go no contact for a year, which is what anybody else in any other sad breakup should be doing.

During that year, think carefully about why you believe your ex's behaviour to be excusable when everyone you know is rejecting him because of it. Please also think carefully about why you would expect yourself to continue to respond to it with tolerance and understanding when no-one else will and when he agrees in principle that he needs professional help to change but isn't acting on this theoretical belief that he has. Is it because you're more understanding? Why are you more understanding when, in the face of your understanding, things are only getting worse?

The way you're talking, I'm wondering if your ex assaulted someone, or something equally "serious" and "scary" as to be unmentionable. Was it something like that?
posted by tel3path at 3:34 PM on May 28, 2011 [2 favorites]