Skip

To have, or not to have casual sex: that is the question
May 12, 2011 11:34 AM   Subscribe

Do I have non-monogamous sex "in the meantime"?

I am really horny. I have also got like 400 reasons that I'm not really read for a real relationship and probably won't be for a long time. I want love and intimacy and sex but I also have all those, "I want it to be forever" feelings. I'm not good at casual sex and I've tried it and even if I know there are logistical reasons we are "just being buddies" I wind up with all the "But why don't you love me waaaaa" female messiness feelings.

That said, Do I just wait like 5 years to work through all my issues and be good enough/ready for a real relationship, or do I try to have some fun now anyway?

The divorce and cheating statistics make me feel despondantly hopeless about "love that lasts forever" anyway. I know that's what I want, but I also know that doesn't work out for a whole crapload of people and I've got a hefty dose of cynicism about even hoping for something that seems so out of reach for so many of us. All that said, I still have feelings of hoping.

If there is hope of a that forever love dream coming true am I better off waiting around and looking for it? Or am I better of just looking for something casual in the meantime?

What if I wait like 10 years of celibacy when I'm young and could be having hot sex and it still never happens anyway and then I just missed out on hot (emotionally destructive) but hot sex?

Further complication: I quit drinking and I find it near impossible to get comfortable with non-monogamous partners without alcohol. With alcohol I can forget all my hang ups with sex and forget that in a few hours I will be sad that this person is just having sex with me and doesn't really love me/loves me but not enough to actually be there for me in the long run, but without alcohol that's all really present I'm just sad about it to begin with.

I'm not even sure if I CAN have fun with non-monogamous sex. Would it be more productive to focus on working through my hang-ups with non-monogamous sex because that's more accessible, or would it be more productive to focus on working through my hang-ups with monogamous relationships because it's where my heart is? Even though working through all that and figuring out how to be good enough can still wind up with be being dumped and in an even more wrecked state because I opened up and let myself hope for the "forever" with someone and it fell apart anyway?

It seems like guys don't even like monogamy anyway, so hoping for that is just hoping for some poor fellow to be miserable for the rest of his life. And then I just feel sad and not in the mood to date anyone any because it seems hopeless that both I, and a partner, could both have our dreams come true at once. Sadness.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (40 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
 
You come off as someone who's all over the place right now, as this is more of a rant than a question. Casual sex is the last thing you need right now.
posted by dflemingecon at 11:42 AM on May 12, 2011 [23 favorites]


If you can't do it without drinking or convincing yourself, don't do it.

I get that you want to have fun, but nothing you've said about casual hookups sounds fun to me at all.
posted by the young rope-rider at 11:43 AM on May 12, 2011 [5 favorites]


Almost all of my guy friends including myself are monogamous, so it isn't the case these guys don't exist (for what is worth casual doesn't work well for me)
take a break and work on some issues. Nothing wrong with recalibrating yourself.
posted by handbanana at 11:44 AM on May 12, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'm not good at casual sex and I've tried it

Ok, so take it off the table then. It's not a requirement, and it's stupid to do something you don't enjoy.

In the meantime, with respect, you really need to speak to a professional to work through issues you have with alcohol, intimacy, sex, and your views about what you think men want.
posted by modernnomad at 11:44 AM on May 12, 2011 [6 favorites]


Agree with the above. I'm also a recently single female, but have recently made the decision to swear off casual sex for this exact reason. Why put myself through that when I could be focusing on myself in other healthier ways and due to it not even coming close to filling the relationship void that I would like to have but isn't here right now.
posted by floweredfish at 11:44 AM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


Deep breaths. You are at a hard place. But, trust me, it is a good sign. You are acknowledging the difficulty of love/sex/friendship/whatever. That is step one, a step that a lot of people never reach.

It sounds like monogamy is your preference. Good for you for knowing what you want.

Your 400 reasons are what you need to work through. I suggest starting here.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:44 AM on May 12, 2011


This question makes me really sad.

Do I just wait like 5 years to work through all my issues and be good enough/ready for a real relationship

I don't care what your issues are, seriously you could be the most warped individual alive, and as long as you're not hurting anyone else you're still "good enough" for a "real relationship", to be loved, to be cared about, and to be treated well. Nobody would be in a relationship if being issue-free was a requirement for that. Nobody.

It seems like guys don't even like monogamy anyway, so hoping for that is just hoping for some poor fellow to be miserable for the rest of his life.


Who told you this? This is a load of bullshit. There's nothing that "guys" like. They are all individuals and plenty of them are into monogamy. And any guy who would be miserable in monogamy is free not to engage in it, you're not forcing him into anything.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:45 AM on May 12, 2011 [43 favorites]


Agreeing with the others that you have a lot on your plate to sort through right now when it comes to emotional hangups.

When it comes to just wanting to get off in the meantime, that's what vibrators are for.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:45 AM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


Wow, yeah, whoa there. You're trying to make some kind of decision about like, the next five years, which... that's a false choice.

Well, we can try to offer you experience to answer your questions? Problem is, everyone is different.

1. I can promise that you don't get good at relationships by not having them.

1.5 You can fret all you want about "love that lasts forever" and stuff, but you know, there's plenty of us who are looking forward to getting home to our life partners tonight. And there's plenty of us who are thrilled to be going home to be with our cats! And some who are looking forward to meeting up with strangers for sex. Life's what you make it.

2. Over time, you will feel more comfortable doing things not drinking. You drank to make yourself feel comfortable! Now you don't do that. So... I guess, be gentle with yourself and remember that "feeling uncomfortable" doesn't, like, mean you're going to die. It also doesn't mean you have to do things that are actually uncomfortable-making!

3. What do you want to do? You can't tell right now. It sounds like you want to sleep with people but it freaks you out. Maybe you'd really enjoy sleeping with a ton of people! Maybe you'll really, really regret it! I've done both of those things.

4. Which variety of regret would you rather have?
posted by RJ Reynolds at 11:49 AM on May 12, 2011 [3 favorites]


In the meantime, with respect, you really need to speak to a professional to work through issues you have with alcohol, intimacy, sex, and your views about what you think men want.
Yeah. Please strongly consider seeing a therapist...
posted by yeoz at 11:54 AM on May 12, 2011


If non-monogamous sex makes you feel bad, don't do it. There are people who enjoy it and who don't have that whole sex = love ideal, and for them it's good and fun. But for those who end up with negative feelings afterwards, it's just not worth it.

Sex is supposed to feel good, not just physically but emotionally. Yes, even -- perhaps especially -- casual sex. Being with a guy (or girl) without any strings attached can be very freeing. You don't have to pretend to enjoy things you don't, you don't have to worry about not being the best they've ever had, you don't even have to worry about whether your partner particularly likes you. Ideally, casual sex should make you feel every bit as beautiful and desirable and special as relationship sex.

It doesn't work that way for everyone, and that is okay. You do not have to be a person who enjoys casual sex in order to enjoy a good, healthy sex life.

But if you wait around until you are "good enough" for a healthy relationship, you will never have one. You are already good enough. You are good enough just the way you are. If you keep beating yourself up about sex and love and relationships, you'll create obstacles where they don't already exist.

Maybe you should take some time and figure out where your lines are. Do you enjoy making out with a guy you don't know very well? Start there. Figure out what you need to have a positive sexual experience, and then get what you need.

Dating is hard and weird and doesn't always, or even usually, end in true love. But the term "serial monogamy" exists for a reason. We go through life and date lots of people, and we develop feelings for them, and sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn't. You can still have great sex in a monogamous relationship even if the relationship is destined for failure.

Do what makes you feel good, and don't do what makes you feel icky, and you should be fine. Don't stress over whether you're having enough sex. Seriously. You don't have to be Kim Catrall on Sex and the City in order to have a good time in your twenties and thirties. It is also totally fine to be Kristin Davis.
posted by brina at 11:55 AM on May 12, 2011 [6 favorites]


Yes, you have to wait until you are ready for a real relationship to have sex. You have really proven that you cannot handle casual. Ergo, you gotta go without. If it takes five years, if it takes TEN years, yeah, you can't have sex again without a relationship.

I say this because casual sex for you sounds like it will only add to your current feelings of messed-up-ness.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:56 AM on May 12, 2011


With alcohol I can forget all my hang ups with sex and forget that in a few hours I will be sad that...

If sex is just going to make you sad in a few hours then you shouldn't be having sex.

Really.

That's not to say that casual sex won't work for you at some time in the future, but it sounds like all it's going to do now is make you regret that you aren't in a relationship. This is not the way to happiness.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 12:00 PM on May 12, 2011


The divorce and cheating statistics make me feel despondantly hopeless about "love that lasts forever" anyway. I know that's what I want, but I also know that doesn't work out for a whole crapload of people and I've got a hefty dose of cynicism about even hoping for something that seems so out of reach for so many of us. All that said, I still have feelings of hoping.

Yes most relationships do not last forever. But that's unrealistic anyway. Nothing lasts forever. You could be 10 years into a great relationship and your partner could get struck by lightning. Even outside of romantic relationships, every connection you have with anyone will eventually end. What's important is having the kind of relationship in the present that you want, which for you sounds like a relationship with someone who loves you and cares about you.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:02 PM on May 12, 2011 [4 favorites]


What if I wait like 10 years of celibacy when I'm young and could be having hot sex and it still never happens anyway and then I just missed out on hot (emotionally destructive) but hot sex?

Let's look 10 years into the future. Here are two things future-you might say:
"I had lots of hot sex that left me feeling broken and deflated. I spent ten years of my life striving for some lifestyle I never even wanted, and which I knew at the time I didn't want."
or
"I didn't have a whole lot of sex, but I did what felt right for me. I lived the way that I wanted, I actively sought the things that actually valued."

Which of those two do you think is going to be more satisfying to be able to say?

Everyone else is right. You sound confused, and I think you should find a therapist. But in the meantime, ask yourself this: why do you think future-you will be happier that you're doing something that hurts you? Why do you think mere sex is going to be that much more important to future-you, compared to happiness?
posted by meese at 12:09 PM on May 12, 2011 [4 favorites]


I agree with all the above posters that it doesn't sound like casual sex is or would be a positive force in your life right now. But that doesn't mean you have to suffer through being really horny! You can be having all the fun hot sex you want with yourself. I know, I know, it's not the same as having sex with a partner. But I'd like to suggest that it's not worse, just different, and sometimes it's better! Indulging playfully and joyfully in masturbation will make you a better lover when you do have sex in a loving relationship, because you'll know so much more about your own body and sexual responses. EmpressCallipygos's suggestion of a vibrator is a good one, but why stop there? There's a whole world of different sex toys out there, different ways and places you can touch yourself, different sources of erotica to explore. Instead of putting yourself through the pain and distress that having casual sex brings you, celebrate your relationship -- both emotional and sexual -- with yourself.
posted by ootandaboot at 12:10 PM on May 12, 2011 [6 favorites]


Find a therapist or a good friend to who can regularly shoot the shit with you.

Don't have casual sex, you're not made for it. That's ok.

Leave yourself open to having a relationship while working on yourself. There no reason it has to be one or the other.

It seems like guys don't even like monogamy anyway, so hoping for that is just hoping for some poor fellow to be miserable for the rest of his life.

Hi, I'm a guy and prefer monogamy, been with the wife, in one form or another for close to 15 years. Monogamy is good. Many other guys agree.

Find a therapist or a good friend to who can regularly shoot the shit with you.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:18 PM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


Just want to chime in as well and say that it's fine to not be OK with casual sex! And plenty of guys feel that way too (I'm guessing the ones who are pro-casual-sex are more likely to be out there hitting on more women, which skews the perceived ratio).

(To be precise, I'd love to have casual sex, if I could do it without getting attached/jealous/etc -- but I can't, so it's better not to do it)
posted by wildcrdj at 12:19 PM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


Nthing everyone who said that not all guys are into casual sex. I am engaged to be married so it's not an issue for me anymore but, when I was single, I just could not do it - literally and physically and I have a shit ton of friends who are the same way (guys and girls).
posted by holdkris99 at 12:37 PM on May 12, 2011


One thing that has helped me is to think about all of the awesome things that come with being single. I want more than anything to find the love of my life, but in the meantime I have a lot of freedom to do whatever I want -- emotionally, sexually, physically, with my time, my space, my energy. Take advantage of this freedom now, because someday you will be with someone terrific and will need to compromise (will *want* to compromise).

Maybe what you want to do with your freedom is to have casual sex. Maybe it's to move to Honduras. Maybe it's to paint your room purple.

What sexual things have you always wanted to try? Maybe you can explore your sexuality now in a way that you can't when you are committed to one person.

If you think of it as "5 years without sex in the hope of getting love", that's really depressing. If you think of it as "5 years in which to explore and enjoy life", then when your love comes, you won't feel as conflicted about compromising in order to enjoy being with them.

It was a hard mindset switch for me (and sometimes I still fall back into the other way of thinking), but it really does help. Well, it helps me at least!
posted by 3491again at 12:48 PM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


Also, one other distinction I'd like to make is that it sounds like you are saying that casual-sex is an emotional substitute for relationship-sex. It is NOT!

Casual sex, in my experience, is a substitute for other exploratory or adrenalin-filled activities. It's not comforting, or emotionally satisfying, or any of the wonderful things that relationship-sex can be.

Instead, it's an great way to enjoy and explore your own body and someone else's, to experiment, take risks, see what works for you, try out different people's sexual styles, etc.

If you expect casual-sex to fulfill the needs that relationship-sex fulfills, you will be very sad -- I know, I've been there. But if you accept that it won't do that for you -- that that's not what it's for -- then you might enjoy it. If you don't, though, no harm done. Just explore and enjoy with yourself until you find the right person.
posted by 3491again at 12:54 PM on May 12, 2011 [5 favorites]


Just want to point out that 50% of all marriages in the US end in . . . lifelong marriage.

Pretty good odds, really.

And remember, statistics are about millions of other people, not you. Whether or not your someday loving relationship lasts is almost entirely up to you and your partner, so pick him well.
posted by General Tonic at 12:56 PM on May 12, 2011 [2 favorites]


Casual sex sounds like it's not going to do anything but make you feel worse about yourself. I did it once in my life thinking that it would be all freeing and liberating, but actually, it just made me feel crappy about myself and used. Work on your issues, and like one of the above posters says, no matter what you think your issues are, you still deserve love and don't have to wait several years to "fix yourself" before attempting a relationship.
posted by Sal and Richard at 12:59 PM on May 12, 2011


I'm as big a fan of casual sex as you're ever likely to meet, but even to me it seems obvious that you shouldn't be having casual sex. Casual sex makes you sad. For your sake and the sake of everyone around you, don't do things that make you sad.

Also, I know that just about everyone else in this thread has mentioned it, but plenty of guys prefer monogamy. It's not for me, personally, but among my circle of friends, the men tend to have stronger monogamous leanings than the women.

Certain cynical individuals have suggested that the non-monogamous tendencies of my female friends are the reason that they're my friends, but I don't subscribe to that theory.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 1:05 PM on May 12, 2011


A lot of women say that sex gets better with age, so maybe thinking of it in terms of missing out on "young hot sex" isn't so much a thing.

Are you getting pleasure from sex or is it an urge for emotional validation? Are "hangups" things you feel you ought to do but are not comfortable with and do anyway? Or things you want that you've been made to feel are not ok to want?

Maybe you're hooking up with shitty dudes who don't care about your enjoyment? There is a subset of dudes in this world who think that if a woman will have casual sex with them then they don't need to treat her with respect. It sounds like maybe you've run into a few of those dudes.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 1:06 PM on May 12, 2011 [2 favorites]


Would it be more productive to focus on working through my hang-ups with non-monogamous sex because that's more accessible, or would it be more productive to focus on working through my hang-ups with monogamous relationships because it's where my heart is?

These are not mutually exclusive. The hang-ups you're having with non-monogamous sex sound like they're directly related to your hang-ups about monogamous relationships.

As for being horny -- well, being horny has an obvious self cure. I don't think sex is the main thing you're looking for in a short term fling.


P.S. There is a deep wave of depression embedded in your post. It's very possible that focusing on this issue is your way of not dealing with some other issue in your life. Definitely worth talking to a therapist about.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:14 PM on May 12, 2011


A lot of women say that sex gets better with age, so maybe thinking of it in terms of missing out on "young hot sex" isn't so much a thing.

Another thing is that a lot of young guys aren't the best sexual partners, romantic and otherwise. (Which I think is what happens when the bulk of a man's "sexual experience" has come from watching porn.) They can be super self centered and focused on their own desires. They have really weird ideas about what feels good to women. They have really weird ideas about how to treat women. They have weird ideas about womens' sexuality, and women period.

Not all young guys are like this, and there are older guys who ARE like this. I'm just saying, I think it's a lot more likely to have disappointing experiences with young dudes who haven't clued into reality yet.

Hollywood says otherwise, but I personally don't think young sex = hot sex. I'd NEVER go back to any kind of romantic involvement with 18-22 year olds.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:16 PM on May 12, 2011 [5 favorites]


- A lot of guys love monogamy. We do! Really!
- A lot of relationships really do last forever. Just not always the first or second or third ones.
- Hot destructive sex = destructive sex. The "hot" is gone as soon as the orgasm fades and all you're left with is the icky feelings. Totally not worth it.

You seem to know the answer to your question. You're not good at casual sex and you know it. So: don't have casual sex.
posted by DWRoelands at 1:28 PM on May 12, 2011


I'm not sure how helpful it will be for perspective, but I wanted to toss out there that I'm coming up on 13 years of a relationship that, when we met, was in theory going to be non-exclusive, and has always been with the explicit statement that "this keeps going only as long as it works for both of us".

In practice it's been both monogamous and relatively long-term. Sometimes relationships are about going into it prepared to take it day by day, and one day waking up and realizing that a decade has gone by and those days have continued to be acceptable.

And my primary romantic relationship before that lasted for 7 years or so before we decided that we were headed off in different directions, and we still talk.

Just because you aren't into one-night stands also doesn't mean you have to be absolutely sure you've found your one true soul-mate for now and forever after before you have sex.
posted by straw at 1:36 PM on May 12, 2011 [2 favorites]


"Even though working through all that and figuring out how to be good enough can still wind up with be being dumped and in an even more wrecked state because I opened up and let myself hope for the "forever" with someone and it fell apart anyway?"

You've got a few distorted ideas in there which are going to contribute towards making you miserable.

1) "Good enough"

You are already "good enough" to be loved and to have a romantic relationship. There are other questions you might want to consider before entering into such a relationship: Are you mature enough to treat your romantic partner well? Do you have enough respect for yourself to watch out for your own well being if your partner doesn't treat you well? Does your personality/ current lifestyle/ personal brand of craziness match up in a complementary way with the personality/ current lifestyle/ personal brand of craziness of the person you are considering having a relationship with so that the two of you make each other happy? If the answers to these questions is "no", that may be a good reason to postpone entering a relationship, but it absolutely does not mean that you are somehow "not good enough".

2) "I opened up and let myself hope for the "forever" with someone and it fell apart anyway"

You do realize that there is a middle ground between casual sex and getting married, right? Most people do not end up settling down for life with the first person they get into a steady relationship with. (Some do, and that's fine also.) Even if you're aiming for a lifetime commitment, dating different people along the way is part of how you get there. Yeah, breakups can suck, but you will survive. As you move through different relationships through the years, you should be learning a) what you personally need out of a relationship and b) how to treat your partner well and nuture a relationship so that when you find the person you really do want to settle down with you have the best chance of making it last. Part of the reason I can be a good husband to my wife is the lessons I learned during the years I was dating.

Good luck!
posted by tdismukes at 2:16 PM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


Some of my feelings about this......

If you're pre-30 years old give yourself some time and space. I believe that one does not have to make major decisions before this age.

Hot sex in your twenties is over-rated. For me its the difference between people come out of an aerobics class as opposed to a yoga class. The energy of people post-aerobics is bouncing all over the place. The energy of those after post-yoga is focused, centered and sustaining.....everything I like in good sex.

My partner passed away last year. I want to make love and also want nothing serious for a couple of years.

Casual sex doesn't work for me. Whoever I love/have sex with...we are going to be friends. In the doing of "it" we also have an impact on each others lives. She is going to know that going in as she is going to have to make a choice if she wants that or not. If anything comes up I'll deal with it to stay on the right side of the energy. I get better with this with time and experience.

One relationship I was in, my lover was 16 years younger then me. She was 28. I knew that she was ambitious, searching for what to do, and vulnerable. I told her we'll revisit when she turned 30 (Back to my feeling of no pressured decisions before 30) We did that. She moved into a new career, met her current man and moved to Austin. Stuff did come up for me that I dealt with. It made me both a better lover, partner and communicator. We are still close and will continue to be. I thank her for bringing out the best in me and she feels I did the same for her.

I agree with shooting the sh*t about this with someone else who will support your dreams. Don't be alone with this. I also agree that you seem all over the place and in your head about it. Doing a movement practice will help for you to clarify and feel comfortable in your body. I am a yoga teacher so I always recommend that.

If you are going to do it, please do it consciously. You can have what you want. You can have both. No rush, have your dreams. Be smart about it. There's enough to go around for everybody.

And watch out for the cynics.....
posted by goalyeehah at 2:22 PM on May 12, 2011


OK Cupid. Code words: "not looking for anything serious". Go on dates with people, talk about your mutual interests, and talk about the casualness of your intentions. Proceed to the wet-work if the mood strikes.

Just make sure your partners are on the same page commitment-wise, and break it off when it gets too real or boring. And by break it off, I mean do so overtly by telling them that it is over for you. Don't just quit returning texts and calls. Break it off, and THEN quit returning texts and calls if they continue. If your potential sex partners start out on the same page regarding the casualness, and you break it off when it seems to be crossing a line, you are ethically OK.

Just remember: you need to be completely comfortable with de-coupling sex from love. Or at least with the idea that sex is something you can do for sport as well as for love.
posted by gjc at 3:47 PM on May 12, 2011


Don't wait and don't try to have casual sex if that's not what you like. You don't get better at having relationships by not having them—as someone said above—and it gets harder to find a partner as women get older. No one is ever "ready" to have a relationship and it's a myth that "working on yourself" off in a corner with a therapist fixes you to make you ready. Therapy can help—but practice helps too. People in 12 step programs will tell you to wait until you can fix yourself with therapy or meetings—but there's just no evidence that that results in better relationships and it does result in you getting older while waiting and being unhappy.

Some completely unhealthy people have great relationships; some completely healthy people are single. A lot of it is simply the luck of finding the right person and you don't do that by pretending you want casual sex or by not looking.

Relationships (including friendships) are an essential part of emotional health; it's just not true that "no one will love you till you can love yourself." More often is, "you can't love yourself until someone loves you." So get out there and find that person: we all deserve connection and support.
posted by Maias at 4:48 PM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


Several people have said you need therapy and I just wanted to say your post sounds completely normal to me. And I think you're making your decision the right way in terms of weighing the costs and benefits.

One cost I would dispute is that I don't think when you grow older you'll wish you had more hot sex that didn't make you happy.

Overall, it sounds like you'd have to expend effort getting to a place where you're ready for a relationship, but also have to do work to enjoy causal sex. So you may as well work on preparing yourself for a relationship, since that seems to be more what you want in the long run, and I agree with others that you are likely more ready than you're giving yourself credit for.

If that's not on the table, then ask yourself whether sexual frustration is worse than the negative emotions you take away from casual sex.
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 5:10 PM on May 12, 2011


OP, please keep in mind that there are infinite possibilities between a) a one night stand and b) until death do you part. Imagine it, articulate it, ask for it, trust your feelings, repeat.
posted by zeek321 at 5:28 PM on May 12, 2011 [2 favorites]


I have had sex with 8 people in my life. None of those were casual (though one was meant to be, but I was 18 and there were things I just didn't get back then). I am now married to a charming and lovely man I expect to spend the rest of my life with, sure. But I didn't plan to spend Forever with any but one of the others. And yes, that one failed. Relationships do that sometimes.

I dated the people before my husband, always monogamously, for anywhere from 6 months to 3 1/2 years. None of them were wasted time, none of them were casual, and none of them were permanent. It's okay to be with someone who is right for you for a while, from whom you learn important lessons for the next time around, and with whom you break up. Those relationships can be emotionally and sexually satisfying too. You don't have to be all-or-nothing about it. Beginning anything with the expectation that it Must Be The One puts a lot of pressure on it, and is quite likely to crack a nascent relationship before there is time to determine whether it has potential or not. I know it's hard to do this, but you really do have to just stop worrying about it so much.

Also, my husband is as strongly monogamous as I am. Monogamous males do exist, they're just not as celebrated in our culture. And a lot of younger people of both sexes are into sowing their wild oats, so the monogamous, relationship-oriented types are underrepresented among the young. Doesn't mean anything i wrong with you. It certainly doesn't mean you should attempt to force yourself into doing things you are not comfortable with just because it seems that everyone else is. I have a visceral horror of casual sex. So I don't have it. It's perfectly all right that other people do, they just won't be having it with me.

Give it time. You'll be okay. And yes, you can date people now. And no, you don't have to sleep with them.
posted by Because at 6:34 PM on May 12, 2011 [2 favorites]


It seems like guys don't even like monogamy anyway, so hoping for that is just hoping for some poor fellow to be miserable for the rest of his life.

I haven't read the entire thread, but I just wanted to say that I am a guy, and I am all about monogamy and a loving relationship. And, I'm not the only one.
posted by 47triple2 at 6:36 PM on May 12, 2011


It seems like guys don't even like monogamy anyway, so hoping for that is just hoping for some poor fellow to be miserable for the rest of his life.

Yeaaah, that's a lot of talk, much of the time. Often, it's not really about pursuing sex with lots of people, it's the fantasy that there are soooooo many opportunities falling into one's lap. Actually pursing sex with a lot of people opens you up to a lot of rejection, too, which is the opposite of the fantasy, yes? Hence all of the big talk. Yes, yes, I would hit it too. [yawn]

Sure, some guys (and women) truly prefer non-monogamy. Hell, I'm one of them, but I still wound up settling down with a partner.
posted by desuetude at 9:03 PM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


You sound really unhappy, but everything you´re talking about is what everyone deals with, one way or another.

I would like to suggest that the solution to your pain is learning how to love yourself and manage your feelings, and overall learning to trust yourself.

Yes, you want sex, you want love, you want intimacy and you want fun, and ... you know these things come in many different combinations and packages. What none of knows is what we will get, or how things will play out. You're spending enormous energy thinking about possible futures that may never exist, when what you need to do is focus on you, right here and right now.

When you learn to love yourself, you can deal with fear and take risks. You can enjoy life and all the wonderful things that it offers, and even though things still hurt sometimes, you know you will be ok and you know it was worth it.

Yes, maybe it's a good idea to take a break from relationships in general, casual or otherwise, but ... relationships happen, whether we are "ready" for them or not. Maybe the best thing would be to focus on the relationship you have with yourself.
posted by Locochona at 3:46 AM on May 13, 2011


It seems like guys don't even like monogamy anyway, so hoping for that is just hoping for some poor fellow to be miserable for the rest of his life.
There are more married men in my office than there are women. Many of these are young guys.

Not everyone likes casual sex. Even without being someone who craves a relationship (as an example) or gets easily emotionally involved, you can still find it unsatisfying and unfulfilling. Some only get really good sex once they get to know the other person well (and for others it can be the opposite). What matters is what you want.
posted by mippy at 8:34 AM on May 13, 2011


« Older What's changed in Lawrence, KS...   |  Blog naming help: Boy Scouts, ... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.


Post