To have, or not to have casual sex: that is the question
May 12, 2011 11:34 AM Subscribe
Do I have non-monogamous sex "in the meantime"?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (40 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
I am really horny. I have also got like 400 reasons that I'm not really read for a real relationship and probably won't be for a long time. I want love and intimacy and sex but I also have all those, "I want it to be forever" feelings. I'm not good at casual sex and I've tried it and even if I know there are logistical reasons we are "just being buddies" I wind up with all the "But why don't you love me waaaaa" female messiness feelings.
That said, Do I just wait like 5 years to work through all my issues and be good enough/ready for a real relationship, or do I try to have some fun now anyway?
The divorce and cheating statistics make me feel despondantly hopeless about "love that lasts forever" anyway. I know that's what I want, but I also know that doesn't work out for a whole crapload of people and I've got a hefty dose of cynicism about even hoping for something that seems so out of reach for so many of us. All that said, I still have feelings of hoping.
If there is hope of a that forever love dream coming true am I better off waiting around and looking for it? Or am I better of just looking for something casual in the meantime?
What if I wait like 10 years of celibacy when I'm young and could be having hot sex and it still never happens anyway and then I just missed out on hot (emotionally destructive) but hot sex?
Further complication: I quit drinking and I find it near impossible to get comfortable with non-monogamous partners without alcohol. With alcohol I can forget all my hang ups with sex and forget that in a few hours I will be sad that this person is just having sex with me and doesn't really love me/loves me but not enough to actually be there for me in the long run, but without alcohol that's all really present I'm just sad about it to begin with.
I'm not even sure if I CAN have fun with non-monogamous sex. Would it be more productive to focus on working through my hang-ups with non-monogamous sex because that's more accessible, or would it be more productive to focus on working through my hang-ups with monogamous relationships because it's where my heart is? Even though working through all that and figuring out how to be good enough can still wind up with be being dumped and in an even more wrecked state because I opened up and let myself hope for the "forever" with someone and it fell apart anyway?
It seems like guys don't even like monogamy anyway, so hoping for that is just hoping for some poor fellow to be miserable for the rest of his life. And then I just feel sad and not in the mood to date anyone any because it seems hopeless that both I, and a partner, could both have our dreams come true at once. Sadness.