When your SO makes a really hurtful comment
March 6, 2011 9:01 AM Subscribe
I need some outside opinions. Let me preface with the fact that SO is a good person, and we're serious enough to be talking about marriage.
Last night in an argument, SO said that I "always play the victim". We were discussing how SO had said something that bothered me -- not huge, but enough that I wanted to bring it up. SO also said that I was oversensitive. These comments really bothered me, they know and have apologized, but it's still changing the way I interact with SO.
On the one hand, these are things said in anger, and I bet we've all thought terrible things about our SOs. I mean, I have. At the same time, now I feel sort of stuck. How can I discuss anything with SO if they've suggested I'm oversensitive and always play the victim?
Again, let me stress that SO is typically a good partner. At the same time, it does seem as though SO is mentally placing most of my complaints in to the "oversensitive" category. This makes me not want to bring up issues with SO at all. How do I deal with this one angry comment? Just let it go?
One might ask: well, am I oversensitive and do I always "play the victim"? My honest answer is, yes, about one-third of our arguments. It's something I'm working on. Yet, I feel like I get blamed for it in every argument.
On the one hand, these are things said in anger, and I bet we've all thought terrible things about our SOs. I mean, I have. At the same time, now I feel sort of stuck. How can I discuss anything with SO if they've suggested I'm oversensitive and always play the victim?
Again, let me stress that SO is typically a good partner. At the same time, it does seem as though SO is mentally placing most of my complaints in to the "oversensitive" category. This makes me not want to bring up issues with SO at all. How do I deal with this one angry comment? Just let it go?
One might ask: well, am I oversensitive and do I always "play the victim"? My honest answer is, yes, about one-third of our arguments. It's something I'm working on. Yet, I feel like I get blamed for it in every argument.
Being called oversensitive is especially hurtful to you, but have you ever said things to your SO that would be especially hurtful to SO? I think you just need to take this as a comment said in anger and let it go, but maybe there's an element of truth to the comment in that you do seem very sensitive about being called sensitive.
posted by elpea at 9:21 AM on March 6, 2011
posted by elpea at 9:21 AM on March 6, 2011
Maybe the two of you need to go over some ground rules for fighting. Saying "You always..." is on a lot of people's list of things that are not a good idea. It would certainly bug me to hear it, because it implies that I can't not do it.
posted by BibiRose at 9:24 AM on March 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by BibiRose at 9:24 AM on March 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
A while back, I figured out that when something hurt, it was that it expressed something that didn't consciously match up with my view of myself, but did match some unconscious view. My training myself has been, whenever I've wanted to respond "that's not true" in anger, to say "thank you".
Had your SO said "you have purple hair", you'd have objective means to refute the statement. Your SO said "you're oversensitive". If you really believe that you aren't, then it should have the same impact as an objectively false statement. That you feel that statement may be true, can you take it as an opportunity for personal exploration and personal growth?
It's really hard to do so, but can you ask for more elaboration, so that you can have your SO help you to see yourself through someone else's eyes? That, a different view of myself, is a tremendous gift, not something given lightly or without trust, and any time I can explore myself in that way I take as much advantage of it as I can.
posted by straw at 9:32 AM on March 6, 2011 [9 favorites]
Had your SO said "you have purple hair", you'd have objective means to refute the statement. Your SO said "you're oversensitive". If you really believe that you aren't, then it should have the same impact as an objectively false statement. That you feel that statement may be true, can you take it as an opportunity for personal exploration and personal growth?
It's really hard to do so, but can you ask for more elaboration, so that you can have your SO help you to see yourself through someone else's eyes? That, a different view of myself, is a tremendous gift, not something given lightly or without trust, and any time I can explore myself in that way I take as much advantage of it as I can.
posted by straw at 9:32 AM on March 6, 2011 [9 favorites]
Well, looks like your idea of 'oversensitive' and his don't line up, otherwise you wouldn't be thinking you only do it 1/3 of the time and he thinks you do it all the time. Right now, you're trying to fix your 1/3 but he thinks you should do more.
Can you ask for clarification on what he thinks is oversensitive/victim-playing? Like, full out discussion, with examples. Certainly ground-rules for fighting are great ('you always' and 'you never' are two things that should be banned from argument vocab, in my opinion), but getting on the same page of how-much-is-too-much sensitivity vs. what's-just-dumb-shit-we-can-let-go by a mutual metric would probably go a long way towards making both sides feel heard. And then after that discussion maybe you two can reach an agreement that you're actually 1/2, not 1/3, and for the other 50% you're being totally legitimate and he needs to compromise, or what have you.
posted by Hakaisha at 9:38 AM on March 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
Can you ask for clarification on what he thinks is oversensitive/victim-playing? Like, full out discussion, with examples. Certainly ground-rules for fighting are great ('you always' and 'you never' are two things that should be banned from argument vocab, in my opinion), but getting on the same page of how-much-is-too-much sensitivity vs. what's-just-dumb-shit-we-can-let-go by a mutual metric would probably go a long way towards making both sides feel heard. And then after that discussion maybe you two can reach an agreement that you're actually 1/2, not 1/3, and for the other 50% you're being totally legitimate and he needs to compromise, or what have you.
posted by Hakaisha at 9:38 AM on March 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
I feel like the way your question is phrased, and the fact that it seems harder for you to get over certain things, maybe you ARE oversensitive and DO play the victim (which you admit, which is awesome!) My SO does the same thing as you do, I love him to death but when we're fighting, he retreats into this victim mentality and it enrages me because it doesn't seem like he's fighting fair. I get frustrated with his behavior because it is NOT who he is, he is better than that. I'm telling you this because maybe it can re-frame how you take criticism from your SO. He/She is FRUSTRATED because you are acting in a way that is unbecoming for you, and he/she LOVES you and wants you to be the best possible you. Sometimes lashing out and name calling is abusive and manipulative, but other times (like maybe in your case) the lashing out is out of frustration because he/she sees a lot more potential in you than you see in yourself.
posted by katypickle at 10:12 AM on March 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by katypickle at 10:12 AM on March 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
"How do I deal with this one angry comment? Just let it go?"
What I try to do when confronted by behavior I don't like is to decide for myself if the behavior is acceptable or unacceptable. By unacceptable I mean that I really can't or won't choose to live with it. If it persists I will do what it takes to remove this stimulus from my life. If this is the case I articulate a clearly defined boundary for the other person and the choice is theirs: respect the boundary and continue our association or part ways. The key is to make sure of your choice and follow through if necessary.
If the above seems drastic then this is probably something you really don't like but can live with. When I'm willing to accept something as the price of admission for interacting with someone, but I really don't like it what I try to do is explain how this thing affects me. Explain how it makes you feel using "I speech" (meaning that you phrase things like "I feel this" not "You do this"). The goal here is to inform the other person about the effects of their actions and empower them to change, rather than putting them on the defensive by being accusatory. It can help to describe the problem as something separate from both of you, that you can work together to overcome.
You may have been doing the latter when he trotted out the overly sensitive and victim comment. 23skidoo has it right, this is fairly typical hyperbole that just happens during arguments. I think you can blow that off, it doesn't necessarily mean that your issues weren't heard and may sink in eventually.
posted by Manjusri at 10:28 AM on March 6, 2011
What I try to do when confronted by behavior I don't like is to decide for myself if the behavior is acceptable or unacceptable. By unacceptable I mean that I really can't or won't choose to live with it. If it persists I will do what it takes to remove this stimulus from my life. If this is the case I articulate a clearly defined boundary for the other person and the choice is theirs: respect the boundary and continue our association or part ways. The key is to make sure of your choice and follow through if necessary.
If the above seems drastic then this is probably something you really don't like but can live with. When I'm willing to accept something as the price of admission for interacting with someone, but I really don't like it what I try to do is explain how this thing affects me. Explain how it makes you feel using "I speech" (meaning that you phrase things like "I feel this" not "You do this"). The goal here is to inform the other person about the effects of their actions and empower them to change, rather than putting them on the defensive by being accusatory. It can help to describe the problem as something separate from both of you, that you can work together to overcome.
You may have been doing the latter when he trotted out the overly sensitive and victim comment. 23skidoo has it right, this is fairly typical hyperbole that just happens during arguments. I think you can blow that off, it doesn't necessarily mean that your issues weren't heard and may sink in eventually.
posted by Manjusri at 10:28 AM on March 6, 2011
I feel like I get blamed for it in every argument.
It's not a little problem if he's constantly using your ['over']sensitivity as a weapon, and if you feel offended by his behaviour often enough for arguments to be triggered.
It suggests - maybe outright says - that your concerns are trivial, and your emotions cynical and disingenuous. It means that he's setting the terms of appropriate emotional expression - he decides what matters.
Sure, it's normal for differences in temperament to cause friction. Better communication can help manage that kind of thing. But without addressing these issues - and especially if you feel patronized outside of arguments - things could get poisonous.
posted by nelljie at 11:15 AM on March 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
It's not a little problem if he's constantly using your ['over']sensitivity as a weapon, and if you feel offended by his behaviour often enough for arguments to be triggered.
It suggests - maybe outright says - that your concerns are trivial, and your emotions cynical and disingenuous. It means that he's setting the terms of appropriate emotional expression - he decides what matters.
Sure, it's normal for differences in temperament to cause friction. Better communication can help manage that kind of thing. But without addressing these issues - and especially if you feel patronized outside of arguments - things could get poisonous.
posted by nelljie at 11:15 AM on March 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
When a couple argues, what is said is often less hurtful than how it is said. You and your SO may simply have certain ways of expressing yourselves that push each others' buttons.
The trick, once you have identified this problem, is to circle back around to it and talk about it calmly when the storm has passed. Say "look, you said I always play the victim, and I want to understand specifically what I do that makes you say that." Keep it dispassionate, and don't make him feel like he's on the spot. He'll probably have some valid points, but he's also probably getting tweaked by something innocent you do.
The longer you're together, the better you can get at being able to discuss things without pushing buttons in the first place. When you realize you're getting that reaction (whatever that is), just stop and breathe for a few seconds.
posted by adamrice at 2:10 PM on March 6, 2011
The trick, once you have identified this problem, is to circle back around to it and talk about it calmly when the storm has passed. Say "look, you said I always play the victim, and I want to understand specifically what I do that makes you say that." Keep it dispassionate, and don't make him feel like he's on the spot. He'll probably have some valid points, but he's also probably getting tweaked by something innocent you do.
The longer you're together, the better you can get at being able to discuss things without pushing buttons in the first place. When you realize you're getting that reaction (whatever that is), just stop and breathe for a few seconds.
posted by adamrice at 2:10 PM on March 6, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
That doesn't seem to be the entire issue though. I would acknowledge the 1/3 problem cases and express hope that you both can work on them together. Point out that that will be more difficult in a context where you're *always* presumed to be oversensitive and playing the victim until proven innocent.
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 9:14 AM on March 6, 2011 [1 favorite]