How to deal with a jerk
February 23, 2011 9:26 AM Subscribe
How do you deal with a person who tries to insult you? He is my girl friend's brother and he does not like our relationship. He is really a jerk, he leaves bad voicemails and emails. I could not do much as he is her brother. She stopped talking to him but he continues to do what he does.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
How old are the people involved here? What culture are we talking about?
posted by Jahaza at 9:31 AM on February 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Jahaza at 9:31 AM on February 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I fear he might show up at my work place and create a scene. He is that kind believe me.
posted by kirang at 9:32 AM on February 23, 2011
posted by kirang at 9:32 AM on February 23, 2011
Response by poster: @jahaza I know this is bad but he is 27 and behaves like a jerk.
posted by kirang at 9:34 AM on February 23, 2011
posted by kirang at 9:34 AM on February 23, 2011
Are you in the USA? if so, you could see about getting a restraining order from court. Other countries probably have something similar.
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:35 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:35 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Ignore. Ignore, ignore, ignore. If you must interact with him, defuse: say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I love [sister's name]." Then ignore.
If he shows up at your job and creates a scene, call the police.
Another possibility: Are the parents in the picture? How do they feel about your relationship. Any chance you can get them to intervene and take this guy down a peg?
posted by phunniemee at 9:35 AM on February 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
If he shows up at your job and creates a scene, call the police.
Another possibility: Are the parents in the picture? How do they feel about your relationship. Any chance you can get them to intervene and take this guy down a peg?
posted by phunniemee at 9:35 AM on February 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
Ah, the ubiquitous jerk culture.
Seconding blocking his phone number and blocking emails.
posted by edguardo at 9:36 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Seconding blocking his phone number and blocking emails.
posted by edguardo at 9:36 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
He'd go so far as to show up at work? I'd start documenting for a restraining order. This goes beyond jerk into straight-up harassment.
posted by smirkette at 9:36 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by smirkette at 9:36 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @edguardo I can block my phone and email but he still calls his sister.
posted by kirang at 9:37 AM on February 23, 2011
posted by kirang at 9:37 AM on February 23, 2011
Change your phone number. Block him from sending you emails.
Also you can get your phone company to block his number (how exactly you do this varies from company to company). Document the harassment and if he shows up in person call the cops.
posted by burnmp3s at 9:38 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also you can get your phone company to block his number (how exactly you do this varies from company to company). Document the harassment and if he shows up in person call the cops.
posted by burnmp3s at 9:38 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
I can block my phone and email but he still calls his sister.
She can do the same thing if she doesn't want to be contacted
posted by burnmp3s at 9:38 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
She can do the same thing if she doesn't want to be contacted
posted by burnmp3s at 9:38 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @ phunniemee the parents have no idea. even if they do, he does not listen to anyone. He tries to damage reputation of people by showing it in a wrong way. But guyz you are right, i will block the phone and emails. The only thing is i do not want to go to police as i do not want his future to be destroyed.
posted by kirang at 9:39 AM on February 23, 2011
posted by kirang at 9:39 AM on February 23, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks guyz i do appreciate your help.
posted by kirang at 9:44 AM on February 23, 2011
posted by kirang at 9:44 AM on February 23, 2011
It takes practice, but ignoring is the right course. If forced into conversation, just say "I can't help you with that."
Minimize the amount of time you spend thinking about it. If your girlfriend can't limit her contact with him, offer to help her seek therapy so she can complain to someone other than you about it.
If the brother is mentally ill, you and your girlfriend can only extend yourselves to the point that it doesn't destroy your own well-being.
posted by vitabellosi at 9:46 AM on February 23, 2011
Minimize the amount of time you spend thinking about it. If your girlfriend can't limit her contact with him, offer to help her seek therapy so she can complain to someone other than you about it.
If the brother is mentally ill, you and your girlfriend can only extend yourselves to the point that it doesn't destroy your own well-being.
posted by vitabellosi at 9:46 AM on February 23, 2011
Response by poster: @burhanistan You are right, i will not take a step back if a situation arises where in myself or my gf is trouble becoz of him.
posted by kirang at 9:48 AM on February 23, 2011
posted by kirang at 9:48 AM on February 23, 2011
Best answer: He's 27. He's old enough to know better. Step 1, your girlfriend needs to tell her parents. If that doesn't work, and he shows up at your work - call the cops. His future will not be destroyed.
posted by canine epigram at 9:48 AM on February 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by canine epigram at 9:48 AM on February 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
He's trying to damage your reputation but you're afraid you'll damage his? Screw that! If you're afraid of him damaging your economic or physical health, take it to his parents and then to the cops.
If his parents want put up with it, don't deal with them. If your girlfriend puts up with it though, it's time to look for a new girlfriend.
posted by zombieflanders at 9:49 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
If his parents want put up with it, don't deal with them. If your girlfriend puts up with it though, it's time to look for a new girlfriend.
posted by zombieflanders at 9:49 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @vitabellosi he is not mentally ill but he has sick attitude. He is very aggressive kind of person. your answers mean a lot to me.
posted by kirang at 9:49 AM on February 23, 2011
posted by kirang at 9:49 AM on February 23, 2011
Are you doing anything to egg this guy on? Are there any particular reasons why he's this profoundly upset at you, but somehow hasn't involved his parents?
Generally speaking, mentally-competent people do not go massively out of their way to be jerks to other people for the sole purpose of being an asshole.
posted by schmod at 9:57 AM on February 23, 2011
Generally speaking, mentally-competent people do not go massively out of their way to be jerks to other people for the sole purpose of being an asshole.
posted by schmod at 9:57 AM on February 23, 2011
Please realize that YOU will not destroy his reputation. He is destroying his own reputation with his behavior. DO NOT let yourself be convinced that you are the cause of his problems.
Case in point: if he behaves like this with other people, what's the common factor? He is, not you. NOT YOU.
Please take the time to look into some resources such as The Gift of Fear. It's a very popular recommendation here on MetaFilter, for good reason. He is trying to intimidate you, and it is interfering with your life. Whether or not that turns into something violent, you need to keep your eyes open.
posted by Madamina at 9:58 AM on February 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
Case in point: if he behaves like this with other people, what's the common factor? He is, not you. NOT YOU.
Please take the time to look into some resources such as The Gift of Fear. It's a very popular recommendation here on MetaFilter, for good reason. He is trying to intimidate you, and it is interfering with your life. Whether or not that turns into something violent, you need to keep your eyes open.
posted by Madamina at 9:58 AM on February 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
The only thing is i do not want to go to police as i do not want his future to be destroyed.
Yeah, the only hypothetical future you should worry about is your own, and that of your girlfriend. So, if you genuinely believe that *your* future (and/or your girlfriend's) would be made worse by calling the cops, then take that into consideration. Otherwise? He's an adult: he's making choices, and choices come with consequences.
Block his calls. Rather than blocking his emails, I'd set up a filter so that they bypass your inbox unread but get archived in their own special folder, so that you have documentation if you need it. You could do the same with the calls, if your phone/plan can be set up so that calls from certain numbers go straight to voicemail.
posted by rtha at 10:05 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yeah, the only hypothetical future you should worry about is your own, and that of your girlfriend. So, if you genuinely believe that *your* future (and/or your girlfriend's) would be made worse by calling the cops, then take that into consideration. Otherwise? He's an adult: he's making choices, and choices come with consequences.
Block his calls. Rather than blocking his emails, I'd set up a filter so that they bypass your inbox unread but get archived in their own special folder, so that you have documentation if you need it. You could do the same with the calls, if your phone/plan can be set up so that calls from certain numbers go straight to voicemail.
posted by rtha at 10:05 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @schmod I am not doing anything other than being his sisters boyfriend. he does not want me to be her bf. He thinks she deserves someone else better (in his context).
posted by kirang at 10:11 AM on February 23, 2011
posted by kirang at 10:11 AM on February 23, 2011
Response by poster: @schmod he is not doing anything that puts him trouble. He is doing that on phone which i cannot show anyone. He does not want to involve his parents as they are old and they are in a different country and he thinks he can deal with me.
posted by kirang at 10:13 AM on February 23, 2011
posted by kirang at 10:13 AM on February 23, 2011
Response by poster: @ Madamina you are right. He has a reputation of being so in his past, he is a expert in irritating people and making them do things out of their way. His intention is to make me do something bad and so that he can fix me and get rid of me.
posted by kirang at 10:15 AM on February 23, 2011
posted by kirang at 10:15 AM on February 23, 2011
Response by poster: @rtha when someone comes at you for the first time in life, it is hard to think. Thanks for your kind words and suggestion. My gf loves me and she want to be with me no matter what. The problem is if something happens to him, she is worried that her parents would hate her. which i dont think is true. She is just scared but she is on my side.
posted by kirang at 10:18 AM on February 23, 2011
posted by kirang at 10:18 AM on February 23, 2011
Maybe speak to the police and see what your legal options are. He is harrassing you and that is illegal.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:53 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:53 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Nthing what others have said. He'll self-destruct on his own. Protect your own as necessary.
"You cannot be insulted by someone whose opinion you do not respect."
--my Mom (she probably didnt invent that).
posted by elendil71 at 10:54 AM on February 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
"You cannot be insulted by someone whose opinion you do not respect."
--my Mom (she probably didnt invent that).
posted by elendil71 at 10:54 AM on February 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
If he insults you over the phone, get an answering machine which will record the calls from start to finish. Then you will have more evidence.
posted by tel3path at 11:13 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by tel3path at 11:13 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If you're worried that he will come to your workplace, one thing that can help is to talk to your coworkers about it. I had a stalker for a while, and that was a big concern for me. I let my coworkers and supervisor know about it and asked them not to give out any identifying info (especially about when I was working or whether I was in the office on any particular day), not to pass along phone calls without getting a name, etc. I also told them that he might try to physically come by (I worked in a public place at the time) and asked for their support if that happened.
posted by Sara C. at 11:29 AM on February 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Sara C. at 11:29 AM on February 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: We have a jerky neighbor. He doesn't do much, just leaves notes and makes ugly faces when I pass him on the sidewalk mostly, tries to get in my way instead of letting my peacefully pass by, stuff like that, noting criminal, at least.
We called the cops on him anyway. I believe he is trying to incite me to fight him, either so that he can beat my ass or can have me charged with assault, and I told the police that. Simply calling 911 with an angry rant about my neighbor got the cops out (maybe not the best strategic move on my behalf, but I wasn't strategizing). The officers spoke to us both, separately, going back and forth between the two houses with counter-arguments and such.
No, he wasn't charged with a crime. He didn't get a citation, or a visit to the station. Yes, the whole neighborhood got to see the police pull up at his place, but other than that, there were no direct repercussions to him. But he did get a message, that there's a limit to what I'll put up with, and that my recourse isn't to take a swing at him. His harassment dropped about 95%.
posted by MrMoonPie at 11:33 AM on February 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
We called the cops on him anyway. I believe he is trying to incite me to fight him, either so that he can beat my ass or can have me charged with assault, and I told the police that. Simply calling 911 with an angry rant about my neighbor got the cops out (maybe not the best strategic move on my behalf, but I wasn't strategizing). The officers spoke to us both, separately, going back and forth between the two houses with counter-arguments and such.
No, he wasn't charged with a crime. He didn't get a citation, or a visit to the station. Yes, the whole neighborhood got to see the police pull up at his place, but other than that, there were no direct repercussions to him. But he did get a message, that there's a limit to what I'll put up with, and that my recourse isn't to take a swing at him. His harassment dropped about 95%.
posted by MrMoonPie at 11:33 AM on February 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
kirang: "@ phunniemee the parents have no idea. even if they do, he does not listen to anyone. He tries to damage reputation of people by showing it in a wrong way. But guyz you are right, i will block the phone and emails. The only thing is i do not want to go to police as i do not want his future to be destroyed"
If he's that much of a jerk, he doesn't have a future to destroy. Fire (call the cops) at will.
posted by notsnot at 11:42 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
If he's that much of a jerk, he doesn't have a future to destroy. Fire (call the cops) at will.
posted by notsnot at 11:42 AM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Good to know your experience @Mrmoonpie. Thanks@saraC, @tel3path, @elendil71.
@elendil71 -- " No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." --Eleanor Roosevelt. sounds similar but my special thanks to your mom.
Thanks everyone for your valuable suggestions and opinions.
posted by kirang at 11:43 AM on February 23, 2011
@elendil71 -- " No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." --Eleanor Roosevelt. sounds similar but my special thanks to your mom.
Thanks everyone for your valuable suggestions and opinions.
posted by kirang at 11:43 AM on February 23, 2011
Just to play Devil's Advocate for a second. (This guy is totally out of line. I'm not arguing that.)
Maybe since the parents are out of the country Brother feels like he needs to "watch out for" Sister. He feels like it's his job to protect her from jerks who want to take advantage of her. He might also be trying to uphold family honor or some other such nonsense. I'm not saying this to excuse anything, just trying to give you another point of view.
Have you had a talk with him? Have you told him that you're in love with his sister, that you're not going anywhere, that you understand that he's protective because you feel the same way? It might not help at all, but it's another avenue to consider.
If you really don't think that would work then do what everybody else said and treat the nut job like a stalker.
posted by TooFewShoes at 12:45 PM on February 23, 2011
Maybe since the parents are out of the country Brother feels like he needs to "watch out for" Sister. He feels like it's his job to protect her from jerks who want to take advantage of her. He might also be trying to uphold family honor or some other such nonsense. I'm not saying this to excuse anything, just trying to give you another point of view.
Have you had a talk with him? Have you told him that you're in love with his sister, that you're not going anywhere, that you understand that he's protective because you feel the same way? It might not help at all, but it's another avenue to consider.
If you really don't think that would work then do what everybody else said and treat the nut job like a stalker.
posted by TooFewShoes at 12:45 PM on February 23, 2011
Have you had a talk with him? Have you told him that you're in love with his sister, that you're not going anywhere, that you understand that he's protective because you feel the same way? It might not help at all, but it's another avenue to consider.
Sorry, but this is bad advice. The brother has been threatening, abusive and hostile - there is just no way talking to him in this way will work, and in fact will only reinforce his behaviour.
Change phone numbers, delete emails, do not interact with this fellow at all.
posted by KokuRyu at 1:25 PM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Sorry, but this is bad advice. The brother has been threatening, abusive and hostile - there is just no way talking to him in this way will work, and in fact will only reinforce his behaviour.
Change phone numbers, delete emails, do not interact with this fellow at all.
posted by KokuRyu at 1:25 PM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @toofewshoes I understand your point. Question of being protective comes in when I am harming her. I am not harming her. She loves me.
I cannot talk to him. He is not worth talking. If talking was possible, I would have done that. No use.
posted by kirang at 7:15 PM on February 23, 2011
I cannot talk to him. He is not worth talking. If talking was possible, I would have done that. No use.
posted by kirang at 7:15 PM on February 23, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks guyz. I think I got my answers, i will keep in mind all the suggestions you guyz gave me. I really really appreciate your time and help.
posted by kirang at 7:19 PM on February 23, 2011
posted by kirang at 7:19 PM on February 23, 2011
I would also say, if you actually have serious cause to believe he'll come into your work, find a sympathetic supervisor at work and explain the situation to preempt any potential shock. I don't know where you work, but if there is a front desk, they should be given a picture of the guy so they can watch out for him. It would be better if you could say that the police have been informed, and the situation is being handled.
posted by namesarehard at 7:48 PM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by namesarehard at 7:48 PM on February 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
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