In less than 5 hours, my teenage brother is coming to live with me. Possibly for the long haul. Neither of us are cool with this. Please help me sort out this ridiculous family situation
I asked this question
last year. The situation has escalated. Last night, my stepmother (with whom he has lived for the past few years) told me she can't stand to take care of my brother right now and that she's dropping him off at my place for the weekend, possibly longer.
My stepmother is very controlling, almost to the point of emotional abuse (I forgot to mention this detail in my previous question). She and my brother have been butting heads for a while. He's headstrong, insolent, doing poorly in school, and has a bad habit of lying (I've caught him in several very serious lies); she's a control freak and puts him on restriction for weeks for small infractions like forgetting to take the trash out, not making his bed, or leaving dishes in the sink. When I say punishment, I mean full-out restriction. He's not allowed to talk to go anywhere or talk to anyone, not even me or our father, for weeks at a time.
My brother is miserable.
Where are my parents in this equation?
My biological father is still stationed overseas (he works with the military, so simply "coming home", as many commenters suggested that he do, is not an option).
My biological mother has remarried and moved 1,000+ miles away. She is reluctant to have my brother live with her, even though she has the space.
So the burden lies on me, the only sane member of his immediate family. The only problem is, we do not get along. I love him and I like hanging out with him. I take him out to lunch/dinner every so often, but living together is a bad idea. We've discussed it several times and we both feel the same way. We spent 5 days together visiting our mother over the holidays and we were at each other's throats halfway into vacation.
I do not have the time or energy to take care of an immature 16 year old boy. I work full time, I'm in grad school and I'm in the process of starting a small business. Plus, I'm dating someone right now. I've worked hard to make a happy life for myself and separate myself from my family's craziness and I'm not keen on getting back into it.
At the same time, he's in an emotionally unstable, unhappy living environment and I hate that. I want him to have a good life. But I can't promise that living with me will be any better.
Is there a way for the relationship between my brother and stepmother to be resolved? Aside from her weird, controlling behavior, she is actually a good caretaker. She helped him bring his grades up and she helps keep him accountable. I, on the other hand, am rarely home and would not consider myself a nurturing person. I don't have time or energy to keep up with him and tell him to do chores or do his homework.
If he were more responsible, I could see him living by himself for a while, but that's not an option, because he's really smart, but he has the maturity of a 12-13 year old.
I'm incredibly angry at my brother and my stepmother right now. I've heard both of their sides of the stories and both of them are to blame for this situation. If my stepmother weren't so ridiculously controlling, my brother wouldn't feel the need to act out or push back against her. At the same time, if my brother were more responsible and focused on his school work instead of trying to keep up with his friends, my stepmother wouldn't have the need to harass him so much.
I feel like I'm the only adult in this situation and it sucks. Help?