I wanna get noticed...
October 10, 2010 8:50 PM Subscribe
I'm a wallflower but I don't like being a wallflower. How can I stop?
Hi, massive introvert here. As a result of personal circumstances, I've recently moved to a major East Coast city and am now having to once again re-build my social network from scratch. Sadly this is proving rather difficult - I want it to happen, but it's turning into quite the challenge :/
So in an attempt to really figure this out, I've been carefully analyzing how I act at social events and the problem is almost painfully obvious - I'm a wallflower, quite possibly one of the biggest wallflowers out there! It's not that I'm aloof or uninterested, far from it - I absolutely love learning about other people and can talk for hours if I'm passionate about the topic. It's just that mingling and making small talk with strangers is really, really hard for me to do for some reason. It's almost like the introversion is so deeply ingrained into my personality that acting any other way is almost impossible. This is odd because I like going to social events (and do so frequently), I just don't seem to connect to anyone while there. End result is I almost always spend the evening standing in a corner, staring at my drink. Not a fun way to spend the night.
As you can imagine, this is also really messing up my sporadic attempts at dating. Being an introvert I focus a lot on online dating, and while I can sometimes pull off charming and fascinating online, most girls seem to find me an awkward bore in person and subsequently break it off pretty quickly.
I've asked two female friends for advice about this (esp. in regards to dating) in the past, and their advice was similar - both said I'm fascinating and have plenty of good qualities making me a good catch (patience, kindness, open-mindedness, sincerity, intelligence, a decent job, etc) but that I have absolutely no clue how to get noticed. While well-intended, this advice hasn't helped much - I still have no clue how to fix this.
This issue is being compounded by two major life events. First, I'm about to turn 30 - it might just be a number, but it is a reminder that I'm not getting any younger (and let's face it, this won't get any easier as I get older!). Second, I recently started a new job that will require me to move in 2-3 years, which obviously means that I need to get used to rebuilding my social network every once in a while. So what it boils down to is that I need to either figure out how to connect with total strangers, or get used to being left out.
FWIW, I'm a 29 y/o guy. Open to any and all advice...
Hi, massive introvert here. As a result of personal circumstances, I've recently moved to a major East Coast city and am now having to once again re-build my social network from scratch. Sadly this is proving rather difficult - I want it to happen, but it's turning into quite the challenge :/
So in an attempt to really figure this out, I've been carefully analyzing how I act at social events and the problem is almost painfully obvious - I'm a wallflower, quite possibly one of the biggest wallflowers out there! It's not that I'm aloof or uninterested, far from it - I absolutely love learning about other people and can talk for hours if I'm passionate about the topic. It's just that mingling and making small talk with strangers is really, really hard for me to do for some reason. It's almost like the introversion is so deeply ingrained into my personality that acting any other way is almost impossible. This is odd because I like going to social events (and do so frequently), I just don't seem to connect to anyone while there. End result is I almost always spend the evening standing in a corner, staring at my drink. Not a fun way to spend the night.
As you can imagine, this is also really messing up my sporadic attempts at dating. Being an introvert I focus a lot on online dating, and while I can sometimes pull off charming and fascinating online, most girls seem to find me an awkward bore in person and subsequently break it off pretty quickly.
I've asked two female friends for advice about this (esp. in regards to dating) in the past, and their advice was similar - both said I'm fascinating and have plenty of good qualities making me a good catch (patience, kindness, open-mindedness, sincerity, intelligence, a decent job, etc) but that I have absolutely no clue how to get noticed. While well-intended, this advice hasn't helped much - I still have no clue how to fix this.
This issue is being compounded by two major life events. First, I'm about to turn 30 - it might just be a number, but it is a reminder that I'm not getting any younger (and let's face it, this won't get any easier as I get older!). Second, I recently started a new job that will require me to move in 2-3 years, which obviously means that I need to get used to rebuilding my social network every once in a while. So what it boils down to is that I need to either figure out how to connect with total strangers, or get used to being left out.
FWIW, I'm a 29 y/o guy. Open to any and all advice...
This might be overly specific, but I see that you're in DC... come to a Mefi meetup! We're all kind of awkward dorks, but if you get enough of us in a room and add enough beer, it kind of works. That's a more general idea, though... do you drink? It might help.
posted by youcancallmeal at 9:04 PM on October 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by youcancallmeal at 9:04 PM on October 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
"this won't get any easier as I get older!"
I dunno. I find there's a lot less bullshit to deal with as you get older. You learn to avoid drama for the sake of your mental health, and your ability to judge people as those you'd like to get to know and those you'd like to avoid becomes keener.
What are you hobbies? Joining a club or taking a class have always been my favorite ways to meet people. The self-selecting aspect is the best. If you're taking a French class or in a photo club, you've already got a go-to topic of conversation.
posted by bardic at 9:06 PM on October 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
I dunno. I find there's a lot less bullshit to deal with as you get older. You learn to avoid drama for the sake of your mental health, and your ability to judge people as those you'd like to get to know and those you'd like to avoid becomes keener.
What are you hobbies? Joining a club or taking a class have always been my favorite ways to meet people. The self-selecting aspect is the best. If you're taking a French class or in a photo club, you've already got a go-to topic of conversation.
posted by bardic at 9:06 PM on October 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
Two things helped me with this when I was younger:
1. Even if I wasn't the actual host of an event, I tried to consciously put myself in the place of a host--someone whose job is to make other people more comfortable and help them have a good time. So I would approach people and just sort of "check in" with them. "Hey, how are you? I'm [secret real life name here]. Having a good time? How do you know [name of host]? Have you had any of the chicken wings? They're good--let me grab you some." Only less car-salesman-y than that. Sometimes this resulted in an awkward 10 second conversation and sometime it resulted in a longer conversation and a couple of times it resulted in setting up another time to get together. But the key was not to think of myself as a person who was uncomfortable and felt out of place, but to think of myself as a person who could help other people not feel uncomfortable and out of place.
2. I actively cultivated what I thought of as my Doris Day persona (this would obviously not be exactly what you'd want to do): Kind of bubbly and light-hearted, maybe a little less bright and over-thinky than I am in real life. I would consciously put on my Doris Day persona on my way into parties and dances.
Both of these things are some version of "fake it til you make it," but were also a way of emphasizing those aspects of me that were appropriate for certain kinds of social events. They're also ways of shifting the thoughts I was having--from "OMG, I'm so out of place, I'll never be able to talk to anybody," to, "I am someone who knows just how to act in this setting."
posted by not that girl at 9:08 PM on October 10, 2010 [14 favorites]
1. Even if I wasn't the actual host of an event, I tried to consciously put myself in the place of a host--someone whose job is to make other people more comfortable and help them have a good time. So I would approach people and just sort of "check in" with them. "Hey, how are you? I'm [secret real life name here]. Having a good time? How do you know [name of host]? Have you had any of the chicken wings? They're good--let me grab you some." Only less car-salesman-y than that. Sometimes this resulted in an awkward 10 second conversation and sometime it resulted in a longer conversation and a couple of times it resulted in setting up another time to get together. But the key was not to think of myself as a person who was uncomfortable and felt out of place, but to think of myself as a person who could help other people not feel uncomfortable and out of place.
2. I actively cultivated what I thought of as my Doris Day persona (this would obviously not be exactly what you'd want to do): Kind of bubbly and light-hearted, maybe a little less bright and over-thinky than I am in real life. I would consciously put on my Doris Day persona on my way into parties and dances.
Both of these things are some version of "fake it til you make it," but were also a way of emphasizing those aspects of me that were appropriate for certain kinds of social events. They're also ways of shifting the thoughts I was having--from "OMG, I'm so out of place, I'll never be able to talk to anybody," to, "I am someone who knows just how to act in this setting."
posted by not that girl at 9:08 PM on October 10, 2010 [14 favorites]
Finding friends can be tough, all the more so at so called 'events'. I assume that if you have a drink in your hand, then you are talking about shows and the like. You're not likely to meet anyone at somewhere like that unless you're at least reasonably extroverted, and from the sounds of it, well, no.
Advice? Stick to your strengths, don't chase your weaknesses. There are better places to meet people, places that allow you to talk, but don't require you to. For instance, there's a community garden near where I live right now, and there's an option to volunteer there a couple days a week in exchange for vegetables. It's great, not only for the food, but also because you get a chance to talk with a bunch of different, interesting people, if you want to. You're working, so there's no obligation to talk; the conversation moves and changes, stops and starts, and nobody has to be a standup comedian, or a Hollywood-level schmoozer. You just talk like normal people, bumble a bit, hopefully laugh a bit, and see if you connect.
The community garden is cited as an example purely because I have experience with it. You could do beer league sports (baseball, ultimate, or what have you. Bike polo in my case, there's a club in DC.) or if you're a photo guy, isn't there some kind of darkroom collective or the like in your town? Anything that involves your interests, and gives you the chance to hang out, no pressure, with like minded folks.
posted by seagull.apollo at 9:13 PM on October 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Advice? Stick to your strengths, don't chase your weaknesses. There are better places to meet people, places that allow you to talk, but don't require you to. For instance, there's a community garden near where I live right now, and there's an option to volunteer there a couple days a week in exchange for vegetables. It's great, not only for the food, but also because you get a chance to talk with a bunch of different, interesting people, if you want to. You're working, so there's no obligation to talk; the conversation moves and changes, stops and starts, and nobody has to be a standup comedian, or a Hollywood-level schmoozer. You just talk like normal people, bumble a bit, hopefully laugh a bit, and see if you connect.
The community garden is cited as an example purely because I have experience with it. You could do beer league sports (baseball, ultimate, or what have you. Bike polo in my case, there's a club in DC.) or if you're a photo guy, isn't there some kind of darkroom collective or the like in your town? Anything that involves your interests, and gives you the chance to hang out, no pressure, with like minded folks.
posted by seagull.apollo at 9:13 PM on October 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
You might find this website useful: succeedsocially.
posted by John Cohen at 9:19 PM on October 10, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by John Cohen at 9:19 PM on October 10, 2010 [5 favorites]
It's just that mingling and making small talk with strangers is really, really hard for me to do for some reason. ... I just don't seem to connect to anyone while there ... while I can sometimes pull off charming and fascinating online, most girls seem to find me an awkward bore in person and subsequently break it off pretty quickly.
Please forgive me if I'm off base, but I think part of what is making you a wallflower might be that you are setting your standards way too high for your "conversational performance" if you will.
I think maybe you're shooting yourself in the foot thinking that if you say something, it needs to be "charming and fascinating". Or beating yourself up in your mind if it wasn't. And then it all gets too intimidating and you revert to the wall. I think that is completely understandable, most people might freeze up if they felt massive pressure to be fascinating on cue.
I think maybe it might help to work your way up gradually. Say if staring at your drink all night is Conversational Level 0, coming off as "charming and fascinating" might be Conversational Level 10.
So it might help to just try to go to Level 2, then Level 3, and so on, instead of trying to skip to Level 10, feeling like you don't know how and have failed, and developing a mental block and complex.
I think Level 2 would maybe just be to sustain a conversation for a certain length of time (maybe 5 or 10 minutes) about ANYTHING (dumb, non-glamourous, quotidian all ok) and then end it and leave. If you do it like this, when you end the conversation and leave, it's a victory and not a defeat.
Maybe Level 3 would be to double the length of the conversation, but still refrain from worrying/caring about how fascinating or interesting the topic is. Alternately, keep the time length the same, but try to make the topic something you find interesting instead. At the end of the time limit, end the conversation and leave, and feel victory.
I think you could work out for yourself what the different steps and gradations between them would be to you.
posted by Ashley801 at 9:27 PM on October 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Please forgive me if I'm off base, but I think part of what is making you a wallflower might be that you are setting your standards way too high for your "conversational performance" if you will.
I think maybe you're shooting yourself in the foot thinking that if you say something, it needs to be "charming and fascinating". Or beating yourself up in your mind if it wasn't. And then it all gets too intimidating and you revert to the wall. I think that is completely understandable, most people might freeze up if they felt massive pressure to be fascinating on cue.
I think maybe it might help to work your way up gradually. Say if staring at your drink all night is Conversational Level 0, coming off as "charming and fascinating" might be Conversational Level 10.
So it might help to just try to go to Level 2, then Level 3, and so on, instead of trying to skip to Level 10, feeling like you don't know how and have failed, and developing a mental block and complex.
I think Level 2 would maybe just be to sustain a conversation for a certain length of time (maybe 5 or 10 minutes) about ANYTHING (dumb, non-glamourous, quotidian all ok) and then end it and leave. If you do it like this, when you end the conversation and leave, it's a victory and not a defeat.
Maybe Level 3 would be to double the length of the conversation, but still refrain from worrying/caring about how fascinating or interesting the topic is. Alternately, keep the time length the same, but try to make the topic something you find interesting instead. At the end of the time limit, end the conversation and leave, and feel victory.
I think you could work out for yourself what the different steps and gradations between them would be to you.
posted by Ashley801 at 9:27 PM on October 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Seconding succeedsocially.
posted by griphus at 9:50 PM on October 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by griphus at 9:50 PM on October 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
"...I focus a lot on online dating, and while I can sometimes pull off charming and fascinating online, most girls seem to find me an awkward bore in person..."
Are you sure that by trying to seem charming and fascinating, you're not disguising your real self too much? Online dating won't work if you present an idealised vision of yourself, inevitably you won't live up to it in real life.
If you think you could be guilty of this, try being a little more frank about who you are and what you're looking for. Being an introvert myself, I wouldn't find it offputting to learn that a potential partner is also an introvert - in fact, I'd gravitate towards them. Many people trying out online dating are there for the same reasons as you. Keep it simple, include lots of factual information about your interests instead of trying to cram in witticisms, and it might make the difference you're looking for.
posted by greenfelttip at 5:44 AM on October 11, 2010
Are you sure that by trying to seem charming and fascinating, you're not disguising your real self too much? Online dating won't work if you present an idealised vision of yourself, inevitably you won't live up to it in real life.
If you think you could be guilty of this, try being a little more frank about who you are and what you're looking for. Being an introvert myself, I wouldn't find it offputting to learn that a potential partner is also an introvert - in fact, I'd gravitate towards them. Many people trying out online dating are there for the same reasons as you. Keep it simple, include lots of factual information about your interests instead of trying to cram in witticisms, and it might make the difference you're looking for.
posted by greenfelttip at 5:44 AM on October 11, 2010
As a wallflower myself, I must say that it's extremely irritating to hear "be genuinely interested in people!" as advice. It's not a switch you can just turn on, no matter what Dale Carnagie says. It's a little like someone telling you to be "genuinely full" after they serve you a few leaves of iceberg lettuce - it's not something that you can control solely by the mind, and I really wish it wasn't the first thing everyone mentioned in topics regarding social success.
What I've found most helpful, personally, is getting involved with groups and organizations arranged around my interests. I joined a theater group and found that I was able to be myself around theater people more than most people. I volunteered for a gay rights group and found that the people there were "my kind of people" more than most people. If you can find some way to get involved with "your kind of people," then you'll be much happier than trying for any kind of uniform social success.
posted by Bleusman at 7:31 AM on October 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
What I've found most helpful, personally, is getting involved with groups and organizations arranged around my interests. I joined a theater group and found that I was able to be myself around theater people more than most people. I volunteered for a gay rights group and found that the people there were "my kind of people" more than most people. If you can find some way to get involved with "your kind of people," then you'll be much happier than trying for any kind of uniform social success.
posted by Bleusman at 7:31 AM on October 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I should probably mention that most of my social interactions are centered around some sort of shared interest. Examples of ones I've been to in the past month:
* Work-related meet and greet happy hour (e.g. get to know your new bosses and co-workers)
* Weekly happy hours for a travel-themed group I'm active in.
* A couple of groups I've found through Meetup.com: one was foreign language-focused, the other was just a "go out/socialize" group.
These sort of get-togethers seem like a good start, but I still have difficulty mingling unless I already know someone present. On second glance, I guess this is along the lines of Ashley801's advice.
I see that you're in DC... come to a Mefi meetup!
I've never been to a MeFi meetup before, but would be interested. Where can I find out about these meetups?
posted by photo guy at 7:55 AM on October 11, 2010
* Work-related meet and greet happy hour (e.g. get to know your new bosses and co-workers)
* Weekly happy hours for a travel-themed group I'm active in.
* A couple of groups I've found through Meetup.com: one was foreign language-focused, the other was just a "go out/socialize" group.
These sort of get-togethers seem like a good start, but I still have difficulty mingling unless I already know someone present. On second glance, I guess this is along the lines of Ashley801's advice.
I see that you're in DC... come to a Mefi meetup!
I've never been to a MeFi meetup before, but would be interested. Where can I find out about these meetups?
posted by photo guy at 7:55 AM on October 11, 2010
Metatalk page has a list of meetups on the side.
Here is what helped me. I was shy as a child, but came to the conclusion that mostly we don't know how to start a conversation with people because we are afraid of messing it up. It's a matter of balancing the reward vs. the risk. Most people respond positively when you start up a conversation with them. It's flattering to be noticed. They are OK if you are a bit awkward, and that can even break the ice. You sound mature enough to avoid creepy territory. If you don't take the risk of talking to people, you will not enjoy the rewards of talking to them.
posted by annsunny at 8:17 AM on October 11, 2010
Here is what helped me. I was shy as a child, but came to the conclusion that mostly we don't know how to start a conversation with people because we are afraid of messing it up. It's a matter of balancing the reward vs. the risk. Most people respond positively when you start up a conversation with them. It's flattering to be noticed. They are OK if you are a bit awkward, and that can even break the ice. You sound mature enough to avoid creepy territory. If you don't take the risk of talking to people, you will not enjoy the rewards of talking to them.
posted by annsunny at 8:17 AM on October 11, 2010
The IRL subsite ( MetaFilter AskMeFi Projects Music Jobs Podcast IRL MetaTalk ).
NoraReed's trying to organize something in DC this weekend. You should go.
posted by nangar at 8:24 AM on October 11, 2010
NoraReed's trying to organize something in DC this weekend. You should go.
posted by nangar at 8:24 AM on October 11, 2010
Do you have any interest in dancing? If so, I suggest taking partner dancing classes. Pick a style that looks fun and that has dancing opportunities for beginners in your area. Here's why:
1. Dance class is a highly-structured environment in which you will interact with at least half of the people. You can bring a friend if you like, but you will be switching partners regularly.
2. You'll have an external focus for your conversation, so you won't be floundering looking for small talk.
3. A lot of beginner classes have a shortage of men and/or leaders, so you won't be sitting out.
4. If you enjoy dancing, you will have a great motivation for introducing yourself to new people - you'll be asking them to dance.
5. You will get lots of practice in the very earliest parts of making acquaintances.
6. You will get plenty of exercise.
7. If you stick with it, you will discover a community of people who are passionate about dancing.
8. When you move, you can find the salsa/swing/ballroom/whatever community in your new area, and you will already have the skills and confidence (social and dancing!) to become a part of it.
posted by expialidocious at 9:07 AM on October 11, 2010
1. Dance class is a highly-structured environment in which you will interact with at least half of the people. You can bring a friend if you like, but you will be switching partners regularly.
2. You'll have an external focus for your conversation, so you won't be floundering looking for small talk.
3. A lot of beginner classes have a shortage of men and/or leaders, so you won't be sitting out.
4. If you enjoy dancing, you will have a great motivation for introducing yourself to new people - you'll be asking them to dance.
5. You will get lots of practice in the very earliest parts of making acquaintances.
6. You will get plenty of exercise.
7. If you stick with it, you will discover a community of people who are passionate about dancing.
8. When you move, you can find the salsa/swing/ballroom/whatever community in your new area, and you will already have the skills and confidence (social and dancing!) to become a part of it.
posted by expialidocious at 9:07 AM on October 11, 2010
let's face it, this won't get any easier as I get older
Actually, I found it got significantly easier between age 30 and age 40 (now). I'm more self-confident, I'm less concerned about what people I don't know think of me, and I like myself well enough now that if somebody reacts in an unfriendly way, my reaction these days is more "gee, I wonder what's up with them?" instead of "I suck and am socially undesirable and even this complete stranger can tell".
Oh, and I'm still highly, highly introverted and feel drained by spending time around people and need lots of time alone to recharge. So it's not anything like my introversion magically changing to extroversion.
posted by Lexica at 12:42 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Actually, I found it got significantly easier between age 30 and age 40 (now). I'm more self-confident, I'm less concerned about what people I don't know think of me, and I like myself well enough now that if somebody reacts in an unfriendly way, my reaction these days is more "gee, I wonder what's up with them?" instead of "I suck and am socially undesirable and even this complete stranger can tell".
Oh, and I'm still highly, highly introverted and feel drained by spending time around people and need lots of time alone to recharge. So it's not anything like my introversion magically changing to extroversion.
posted by Lexica at 12:42 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Hmm. I'm a lady who enjoys drawing out wallflowery gents (assuming they seem quiet/cool rather than shifty/creepy), but I doubt I'd head over to a dark corner to talk to someone staring into a drink. Perhaps you could try being a bit more lively, even if it's just looking at something on the wall rather than looking into your drink? If you were reading a book, for example, I'd come interrupt with the incredibly original and clever intro, "What are you reading?"
If you're feeling more outgoing, you might try noticing someone else doing something possibly interesting and interruptable and asking a similar question.
If you hang around in the kitchen long enough doing anything (straightening up cups, getting fresh ice, whatever), people coming to get a drink would automatically have something in common with you: an interest in beverages. Another clever intro question comes to mind: "What are you drinking?"
Couldn't hurt to try wearing something one could compliment/ask about/laugh about. I have a friend I'd never have approached were it not for the fact that his shirt featured glow-in-the-dark constellations.
I can think of a dozen small random things to try. So my advice, I suppose, is to try small random things. Can't be worse than spending the evening staring into a drink.
Good luck. I feel for you. I'm also incredibly introverted. When I do manage to make it to a social gathering, I give it all I've got. Otherwise, there's no point in going, since I'd be delighted to stay at home with a dog, a book, and a cup of tea.
posted by lovelylucy at 8:34 PM on October 11, 2010
If you're feeling more outgoing, you might try noticing someone else doing something possibly interesting and interruptable and asking a similar question.
If you hang around in the kitchen long enough doing anything (straightening up cups, getting fresh ice, whatever), people coming to get a drink would automatically have something in common with you: an interest in beverages. Another clever intro question comes to mind: "What are you drinking?"
Couldn't hurt to try wearing something one could compliment/ask about/laugh about. I have a friend I'd never have approached were it not for the fact that his shirt featured glow-in-the-dark constellations.
I can think of a dozen small random things to try. So my advice, I suppose, is to try small random things. Can't be worse than spending the evening staring into a drink.
Good luck. I feel for you. I'm also incredibly introverted. When I do manage to make it to a social gathering, I give it all I've got. Otherwise, there's no point in going, since I'd be delighted to stay at home with a dog, a book, and a cup of tea.
posted by lovelylucy at 8:34 PM on October 11, 2010
I missed that these events are out and about, not in someone's home. You actually hang around, in a public place, for a good amount of time, standing in a corner, staring into your drink, when you could be at home? That sounds awfully brave, actually. What makes it worth staying if you aren't actively attempting to interact with anyone?
posted by lovelylucy at 8:46 PM on October 11, 2010
posted by lovelylucy at 8:46 PM on October 11, 2010
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2) Think about convesations you've had where the other person seemed really interesting and more importantly, made you feel really interesting. What did they do? How did they do it? Try to emulate that.
3) Emulate that by being genuinely interested in other people and asking questions that reflect your interest in their lives and what's important to them. Your statements should be about facilitating further conversation. Remember, people love talking about themselves; give them the opportunity to do it well, and they will love you, also.
posted by smoke at 9:03 PM on October 10, 2010